topless pic found online

December 21, 2005 4:31 PM

I found a topless picture of someone I know on a site.

The woman in question, "Sally", is my cousin's wife. The site is a collection of amateur type pics. They look to be the type of pics a guy would submit of his girlfriend, etc., but on the particular site there is no (obvious) way one would submit a pic.

I emailed a copy of the pic to my brother to see if he thinks it is of Sally but if it's not her, it's her secret twin. Do I tell Sally or just never say anything? To complicate matters my cousin "Pete" and Sally are having serious marital problems. As in I think they are headed for a divorce and things are pretty tense between them.

My instinct is to not say anything but I would appreciate feedback from other people.

posted by 6550 to human relations (49 comments total)

Jesus, walk away! Pretend you never saw it. No good can come of this.
posted by ascullion at 4:33 PM on December 21, 2005

What ascullion said.
posted by interrobang at 4:34 PM on December 21, 2005

Don't say anything!
posted by k8t at 4:35 PM on December 21, 2005

Ditto. Seems obvious.
posted by ldenneau at 4:38 PM on December 21, 2005

Without more information -- like, "My cousin is also my closest, best friend," or, "The nature of the photo suggests it was taken without her knowledge" -- I wouldn't say anything. The internet is a big place, and there are a lot of topless (and worse) pictures. Many of the subjects probably don't know their photos are online, but most of them will never meet anyone who will make the connection. If you're going to assume the first, you might as well assume the second.

Regardless, this isn't somewhere you want to trudge. Keep off the grass.
posted by cribcage at 4:38 PM on December 21, 2005

I hate to get all dr phil on your ass, but what good can come out of this? The picture's there already, and a lot of other places if she's pretty. Most likely either your cousin or his wife is trying to piss the other one off.

Maybe there is another explaination, but if they are having problems already, this information isn't likely to be the catalyst that brings them together. Nobody is going to thank you for bringing this to his or her attention.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 4:39 PM on December 21, 2005

But, put yourselves in the position of the cousin. Wouldn't you want to know what's going on with your wife behind your back? Perhaps this guy should let him know what he found. I know that I, at least would want to know what's going on, and, if this cousin is decent at all, he's not going to shoot the messenger.
posted by stst399 at 4:41 PM on December 21, 2005

It all depends on where your loyalties lie. To your cousin, to sally or to justice, its up to you decide. A person deserves to know if someone has posted their picture on the internet. I personally WOULD tell, because my loyalties are to justice. I would be willing to face consequences and tension I might have with my cousin. So, its something only you can decide what to do about.

Im in the minority, most people would let it go and pretend they never saw it, which is pretty good advice unless you like drama.
posted by JokingClown at 4:46 PM on December 21, 2005

"I emailed a copy of the pic to my brother to see if he thinks it is of Sally but if it's not her, it's her secret twin."

You've already done the damage. It would have been best to let sleeping dogs lie on this one, and let any problems get out.

A topless picture released on the net isn't the fault of the person in the picture- it's the fault of whoever was entrusted with taking that picture. Usually, this stuff is supposed to be intimate and private. It's a breach of trust when it's made public.

Problem is, most people don't think that rationally about it. Instead, the picture is just going to bring to immediate consciousness the fact that this girl has had a sexual past prior to her marriage (even if that's not the case) and cause questions that would have never been asked, to be asked. That will put further strain on the relationship.

Now, even if the picture isn't her, you've bolstered the imaginary arguments your cousin may have formed against remaining married. Just because the picture looks so much like her. Do you think he's going to believe her, when trust between them is breaking down?

Sorry, bud. I hope you seriously didn't e-mail it already, but if you did, the damage has already been done.
posted by id at 4:48 PM on December 21, 2005

There is only one conceivable reason why you would really want to get involved here: you strongly suspect that their computer had been broken into by someone, so that neither your cousin or his wife had uploaded it, but rather some nefarious stranger with access to their computer did it.

Considering that that is going to be difficult to know, and is unlikely to begin with, and that this could start something really nasty, I'd be inclined to forget about it.
posted by teece at 4:49 PM on December 21, 2005

Why not go to the wife? If you are not in the habit of talking to her, it may be a bit odd, but if you do feel the need to tell your cousin (I probably would not, but now that you have told your brother, it will most likely get back to him and/or her eventually), you should probably give her a heads-up. A "Hey, I don't want to cause problems, but I found a revealing picture of you on the Web, and I think your husband should know about it. If this is going to be a surprise to him, maybe he should hear it from you." kind of thing.

Presonally, I agree with the majority of posters that you should just shut up, but if you are going to be in the "he deserves to know" camp, I think you should at least give consideration to "she deserves to be the one to tell him".
posted by Rock Steady at 4:51 PM on December 21, 2005

Man, this happened to me a while back. I found a "nudie" pic of my neighbor lady. It wasn't hardcore or anything but did show boobies. I was concerned because I knew she would never allow that to be published on the web. (And yes, it was definately her.)

I told her about it so that she could take some action, and she freaked out! On ME! As if I took the pic and posted it.

We eventually and mutually blew it off and were friends again. But damn, there are just too many unknown variables in a case like this. Hell, you could end up getting your ass beat or worse. Stay away from it!
posted by snsranch at 4:53 PM on December 21, 2005

I'll join the chorus in case your not convinced yet. Walk....away...
posted by menace303 at 4:57 PM on December 21, 2005

Was it a recent photo, taken during the time that they've been married?
posted by cmonkey at 4:58 PM on December 21, 2005

It could make fabulous ammunition in said divorce, if they weren't taken by the cousin... Maybe talk to him. Um, if that's not so supremely awkward... "Dude, I found some interesting porn. Of your (soon to be ex) wife."

Yeah, perhaps stay quiet, but keep it in case it becomes pertinent.
posted by disillusioned at 5:00 PM on December 21, 2005

I have to agree with Rock Steady. You need to tell her, and only her. She deserves to know. What she does with the information after that is only up to her.

If you haven't already now, swear your brother to secrecy. What the heck were you thinking telling him and not her??
posted by anastasiav at 5:02 PM on December 21, 2005

If you think there's any chance that she doesn't know it's on there, I think she should be told. If someone is submitting pictures of her like that without her knowledge, it's a serious violation. Maybe you could send her the URL anonymously if you don't want to get involved.
posted by alma at 5:03 PM on December 21, 2005

Keep your mouth shut.
posted by Nelson at 5:03 PM on December 21, 2005

Lot's of responses already! My brother is a trustworthy person. He's not going to gossip about this.

Like I said in the question, my instinct is not to say anything. But it is a huge violation if the picture was posted without her knowledge. I can't judge how recent the pic is. They have been married just about a year and a half and her appearance has not changed significantly in the time I've known her.
posted by 6550 at 5:09 PM on December 21, 2005

I had the same thought as cmonkey... if the photo looks recent, they're having marital problems...
Well, there are missing puzzle pieces, to say the least. She could have cheated on him with anonymous online photo-submitter guy. If you think there's a possibility of that and you have a close relationship with your cousin, I think you should definitely tell him. If it looks like an old photo, it's not worth bringing it up to anyone.
posted by booknerd at 5:09 PM on December 21, 2005

I told her about it so that she could take some action, and she freaked out! On ME!

Right, people are fucking irrational, so keep your mouth shut for yourself. 5 years down the road and your cousin still isn't talking to you, and there is no reason why but vague emotions triggered by meaningless associations.

. . . Also I would like to see this picture to, um, evaluate its authenticity.
posted by dgaicun at 5:16 PM on December 21, 2005

dgaicun! we've all been so restrained :)
posted by ascullion at 5:24 PM on December 21, 2005

If you haven't already now, swear your brother to secrecy. What the heck were you thinking telling him and not her??

He told his brother, not his cousin.
posted by ootsocsid at 5:40 PM on December 21, 2005

"He told his brother, not his cousin."

That was lost on me as well, when I wrote my post.

6550, it boils down to this:

The picture itself has no context, other than being a possible pic of your cousin's wife's boobies. We don't know if she authorized it's distribution, was a known party, when it was taken, etc.

Essentially put, the only person who needs to know about this is her. She's the victim here.

If you tell your cousin, it will lead to fuel in the divorce fire- no matter what. No one is rational when it comes to love.

So if you want to tell anyone, it should be her. Otherwise, don't tell anyone. Same goes for your brother.
posted by id at 5:45 PM on December 21, 2005

Keep in mind it's entirely possible that it isn't her. It's entirely possible that two people might look very, very similar.
posted by delmoi at 5:49 PM on December 21, 2005

How do you know your cousin didn't post it with his wife's agreement/encouragement? It's only boobies, maybe it turns them both on. Whatever the story and whatever you do about it, you aren't going to come out of this looking good. Mind your own business.
posted by crabintheocean at 6:38 PM on December 21, 2005

anonymously notify her?
posted by devilsbrigade at 7:14 PM on December 21, 2005

If you think there is a chance that she doesn't know that the picture is posted on the site, then I think she deserves to know.

I would type an anonymous, short message, print it out using gloves to avoid fingerprints, and mail it from a state that is not your own with a fake return address. Then, she knows, and you're not involved.

If you're more worried for you cousin, like this indicates infidelity that he is unaware of, then maybe do the same for him.

But I actually think she deserves to know more than him. What if it's not actually her? There is a good chance of that. Then you really muddied the waters, huh?

For goodness sakes, stop talking to anybody about it.

And stop looking at porn sites that feature pictures of your family. :-)
posted by jasonlatshaw at 7:43 PM on December 21, 2005

I would type an anonymous, short message, print it out using gloves to avoid fingerprints, and mail it from a state that is not your own with a fake return address. Then, she knows, and you're not involved.

Speaking as a woman, that would scare the living shit out of me. I'd spend the rest of my life wondering if my creepy neighbour or some obsessed ex-bf had posted a picture of me on the web and was taunting me. If you want to tell her, just do it. Don't be surprised if she freaks out on you at first along the lines of- what are you doing looking at the kind of webstie where they post pictures of women without their permission.
posted by fshgrl at 8:03 PM on December 21, 2005

Speaking as a woman, that would scare the living shit out of me. I'd spend the rest of my life wondering if my creepy neighbour or some obsessed ex-bf had posted a picture of me on the web and was taunting me.

Yeah, I agree.
posted by delmoi at 8:16 PM on December 21, 2005

Thanks for the responses. I'm going to not say anything as I don't want to be resented for that. I hadn't considered that she (or he) might get mad at me. She seems to be a bit unstable anyways, although she has always been sweet to me.

In the pic she is smiling and looking at the camera so the pic was likely not taken without consent. Whether she consented to post it online, I have no way of knowing. I also can't say if it was taken before or after they got together. The pic was taken in what looks like a college-age guy's room. The room looks like none of the one's in their house.

My cousin isn't my best friend but a good one. We used to hang out more before he got married but don't see each other so often these days.
posted by 6550 at 8:30 PM on December 21, 2005

And sorry but I'm not going to link to the site or pic in question!
posted by 6550 at 8:30 PM on December 21, 2005

I think he was being funny -- very funny. And as others have said, I'd just pretend you never saw it.
posted by chunking express at 8:36 PM on December 21, 2005

Just ask her how much it's worth, in USD, not to show his lawyer?
posted by FredsinPa at 8:43 PM on December 21, 2005

Tell her anonimously, as devilsbrigade suggested.
posted by neuron at 8:51 PM on December 21, 2005

Open the picture in Photoshop and check out the EXIF metadata. You may be able to find out what model of camera took it, and even the date and time it was taken.
posted by ikkyu2 at 9:12 PM on December 21, 2005

If it looks like an old photo, it's not worth bringing it up to anyone.

Sorry, no. 6550, even if she gets mad at you, frankly (speaking as a woman) she deserves to know if there are nude photos of her on the internets posted without her knowledge. She deserves to know. Please tell her.
posted by anastasiav at 9:21 PM on December 21, 2005

I would type an anonymous, short message, print it out using gloves to avoid fingerprints, and mail it from a state that is not your own with a fake return address.

Dang, John LeCarre, why not send an email?
posted by box at 9:33 PM on December 21, 2005

If you tell her, what good will that do? Possibly just cause unnecessary fear and stress. She'll try to get the picture removed from the web, but there's a chance she won't succeed (especially if it's spread to other sites). She might be left with the knowledge that strangers are looking at her naked on the internet and there's nothing she can do about it.

If the woman in question is definitely calm and able resign herself to the situation, go ahead and tell her. But if you think it might be a source of extreme anxiety then please be careful. She might be better off not knowing.
posted by mbrubeck at 9:49 PM on December 21, 2005

I think he was being funny -- very funny. And as others have said, I'd just pretend you never saw it.

I realized that, just playing along.

But if you think it might be a source of extreme anxiety then please be careful. She might be better off not knowing.

Given what I know of the problems they are dealing with in the marriage she may indeed not handle the revelation of the pic well at all.
posted by 6550 at 9:57 PM on December 21, 2005

Open the picture in Photoshop and check out the EXIF metadata. You may be able to find out what model of camera took it, and even the date and time it was taken.

ikkyu2, I don't have Photoshop. Is there another way to get this information from a picture?
posted by 6550 at 10:00 PM on December 21, 2005

It was probably that damn "metadata" that got her in this predicament in the first place!
posted by dgaicun at 10:23 PM on December 21, 2005

ikkyu2: It's likely that the picture has been cropped/resized/etc in photoshop. Would that information stay? I know for sure it would be removed if they did an 'optimzie for web' feature of Photoshop 7.0+

here is a freeware exif reader I found via 2 seconds of googling for "exif reader freeware".

Hopefully it won't have any Spyware (never know these days).
posted by delmoi at 12:00 AM on December 22, 2005

<sub>if they did an 'optimzie for web' feature of Photoshop 7.0+

er, either replace 'did an' with 'used the' or 'of' with 'feature of' with 'export with'. but not both please.</sub>

Now I really need to go to sleep.
posted by delmoi at 12:03 AM on December 22, 2005

Yeah, I found a free reader too. There was no data on the pic.
posted by 6550 at 12:06 AM on December 22, 2005

Why not assume the picture is there for the reason that the vast majority of the other 10 million amateur soft core pictures posted out there in webland are - because people chose to send it in themselves?
posted by A189Nut at 1:21 AM on December 22, 2005

If you tell her, what good will that do?

If Scrubs has taught me anything, it's that we shouldn't try and protect people from the world, as if they were children. They need to make their own mistakes, and make their own decisions about how to deal with them.
posted by chrismear at 1:45 AM on December 22, 2005

Speaking as a woman, that would scare the living shit out of me. I'd spend the rest of my life wondering if my creepy neighbour or some obsessed ex-bf had posted a picture of me on the web and was taunting me.

Wow, good point. I rescind that advice. I think I'd stay out of it anyway.
posted by jasonlatshaw at 6:10 AM on December 22, 2005

Since this site is usually overrun by the twentysomething female empowerment brigade, I'm surprised everyone has assumed the "without her knowledge" element. Why? Surely you don't need the laundry list of evidence establishing that lots of women seek this sort of attention. Assuming it's a posed photo -- if it were taken through a window, I doubt this question would have been posted -- why patronize her by assuming she doesn't know it's online?
posted by cribcage at 2:38 PM on December 22, 2005