Duck Duck GAAAAAAH
March 28, 2016 8:31 AM Subscribe
"Who DOES that?!"-Filter: we were given two ducklings. We do not WANT two ducklings. We cannot give them back to the (insane) duckling-giver. We have two young-ish kids who are delighted by the ducklings, so we can't just, I don't know, feed them to a local fox like fluffy little Triscuits. WHAT NOW?
Long Story Made As Short as Possible: we are a blended family. One of the kids' Bio-Parents is absent 99% of the time. That Bio-Parent showed up this weekend, gave the kid two Pekin ducklings as a gift, claimed "they can be released into the wild in three weeks!", then re-disappeared (no doubt to sow MORE chaos, like Johnny Personality-Disorder-Seed).
- A cursory Googling indicates that "no, you ass, these are human-bred ducks and they cannot be released into the wild".
- A slightly more extensive Googling indicates that "ducks are insanely horrible pets and will slather your life in sadness and duck poop".
- The children, of course, are WILDLY IN LOVE with the ducklings.
- However, this is not a Cameron Crowe movie, and the adults are NOT going to slowly but surely ALSO fall in love with the ducklings and turn our house into a duck-sanctuary. We have extremely busy, punishingly-stressful lives.
- While I'd kinda hoped that Nature Would Take Its Course (I know: I'm going to hell), the tweens are taking extremely good care of them and the little bastards seem like they'll survive infancy.
- We cannot call/text/e-mail/visit the Bio-Parent who gave this horrible, misbegotten gift. I'm not kidding: this parent is NOT CONTACTABLE. They just periodically reappear/disappear. Yes, this is insane and unfair (... funny, JUST LIKE GIVING SOMEONE SURPRISE DUCKLINGS IS!).
My question: what the hell do we DO? Are there duck shelters? Can we send them to a nice farm upstate? How do we not traumatize the kids, but ALSO not, you know, own ducks?
Long Story Made As Short as Possible: we are a blended family. One of the kids' Bio-Parents is absent 99% of the time. That Bio-Parent showed up this weekend, gave the kid two Pekin ducklings as a gift, claimed "they can be released into the wild in three weeks!", then re-disappeared (no doubt to sow MORE chaos, like Johnny Personality-Disorder-Seed).
- A cursory Googling indicates that "no, you ass, these are human-bred ducks and they cannot be released into the wild".
- A slightly more extensive Googling indicates that "ducks are insanely horrible pets and will slather your life in sadness and duck poop".
- The children, of course, are WILDLY IN LOVE with the ducklings.
- However, this is not a Cameron Crowe movie, and the adults are NOT going to slowly but surely ALSO fall in love with the ducklings and turn our house into a duck-sanctuary. We have extremely busy, punishingly-stressful lives.
- While I'd kinda hoped that Nature Would Take Its Course (I know: I'm going to hell), the tweens are taking extremely good care of them and the little bastards seem like they'll survive infancy.
- We cannot call/text/e-mail/visit the Bio-Parent who gave this horrible, misbegotten gift. I'm not kidding: this parent is NOT CONTACTABLE. They just periodically reappear/disappear. Yes, this is insane and unfair (... funny, JUST LIKE GIVING SOMEONE SURPRISE DUCKLINGS IS!).
My question: what the hell do we DO? Are there duck shelters? Can we send them to a nice farm upstate? How do we not traumatize the kids, but ALSO not, you know, own ducks?
Yes, I was just coming in to share Google results. Here is a list of some rescue organizations, but I bet if you search your state and "duck rescue" you'll find something near to you. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. So unfair to the ducks, your kids and to you.
posted by goggie at 8:38 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by goggie at 8:38 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Where/how are the ducklings living right now?
You can google up local animal shelters (many open door shelters will take pretty much anything and they are no stranger to post-Easter chickens and ducks), or farm sanctuaries (these are a little more rare, but a more appropriate option). You'd also be surprised at the number of enthusiastic poultry-keepers on Craigslist. I see chickens and ducks advertised all the time (I myself have chickens). There's plenty of options for where the ducks can go.
Now... what to tell your kids? I think it's time for honesty. How old are they? For younger kids, there's actually an episode of Daniel Tiger where the class duckling grows up and has to be taken to a farm to be with more duck-friends in a more duck-appropriate environment. For older kids, I think you're just going to have to tell them the truth: you don't want ducks, they're a big responsibility, you don't have the appropriate set-up to keep them healthy and happy, so they need to go to someone who does.
posted by soren_lorensen at 8:38 AM on March 28, 2016 [11 favorites]
You can google up local animal shelters (many open door shelters will take pretty much anything and they are no stranger to post-Easter chickens and ducks), or farm sanctuaries (these are a little more rare, but a more appropriate option). You'd also be surprised at the number of enthusiastic poultry-keepers on Craigslist. I see chickens and ducks advertised all the time (I myself have chickens). There's plenty of options for where the ducks can go.
Now... what to tell your kids? I think it's time for honesty. How old are they? For younger kids, there's actually an episode of Daniel Tiger where the class duckling grows up and has to be taken to a farm to be with more duck-friends in a more duck-appropriate environment. For older kids, I think you're just going to have to tell them the truth: you don't want ducks, they're a big responsibility, you don't have the appropriate set-up to keep them healthy and happy, so they need to go to someone who does.
posted by soren_lorensen at 8:38 AM on March 28, 2016 [11 favorites]
And not just duck-specific rescues. Lots of animal sanctuary type places will have a pond and setup for birds like this. Google a list near you and make some calls.
posted by phunniemee at 8:39 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by phunniemee at 8:39 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
OMG, that person ought to be boiled in oil! (not unlike delicious Peking Duck....)
Call Fresh Start Bird Rescue and see if they can help. I'd pay $100 to be able to drop them off guilt-free.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:39 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Call Fresh Start Bird Rescue and see if they can help. I'd pay $100 to be able to drop them off guilt-free.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:39 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Not to make it worse, but I would be concerned about salmonella. Contact a rescue/refuge, pronto.
What a thoughtless gift.
posted by mochapickle at 8:39 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
What a thoughtless gift.
posted by mochapickle at 8:39 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Yeah, call a local rescue service and ask what you should do and how soon, and then give them an appropriate donation along with the ducks.
posted by Etrigan at 8:42 AM on March 28, 2016
posted by Etrigan at 8:42 AM on March 28, 2016
If you already have pets, you can point out to the kids that high-maintenance ducklings in the house isn't fair to the other pets.
posted by amtho at 8:46 AM on March 28, 2016
posted by amtho at 8:46 AM on March 28, 2016
Tell this sort of thing to the kids:
"Pets are a huge responsibility, as you've already seen. There are benefits and there are drawbacks. This is why if and when we get a pet, all of us will talk about the time, money, and energy involved in having that pet and if we all agree that we are willing to put in all of that and we all agree upon our roles in this, then we will get a pet. It is not nice of BIOPARENT to give pets as a gift. We cannot keep these animals. However, if you are interested in having a pet, you are welcome to begin researching more appropriate pets for our family and present your findings to everyone. [You may have to get a mouse out of this.]"
Then have a list of drawbacks ready to combat whining:
- Don't you like it when we go camping in the summer? We wouldn't be able to go camping because we'd need to take care of the ducks.
posted by k8t at 8:46 AM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
"Pets are a huge responsibility, as you've already seen. There are benefits and there are drawbacks. This is why if and when we get a pet, all of us will talk about the time, money, and energy involved in having that pet and if we all agree that we are willing to put in all of that and we all agree upon our roles in this, then we will get a pet. It is not nice of BIOPARENT to give pets as a gift. We cannot keep these animals. However, if you are interested in having a pet, you are welcome to begin researching more appropriate pets for our family and present your findings to everyone. [You may have to get a mouse out of this.]"
Then have a list of drawbacks ready to combat whining:
- Don't you like it when we go camping in the summer? We wouldn't be able to go camping because we'd need to take care of the ducks.
posted by k8t at 8:46 AM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
One thing to ask the duck rescues is if the kids could come visit the ducklings as they grow up. That way they might still get to have a relationship with the ducks, but they'd be cared for more appropriately (and without the massive burden on you).
posted by Existential Dread at 8:54 AM on March 28, 2016 [11 favorites]
posted by Existential Dread at 8:54 AM on March 28, 2016 [11 favorites]
Best answer: Don't you like it when we go camping in the summer? We wouldn't be able to go camping because we'd need to take care of the ducks.
When you're talking about little animals and kids (or adults), don't forget that often, you are talking about real love. Many kids would gladly give up camping, cake, friends, clothes, anything, if it meant honoring their love for their cat, dog, bird, or possibly even a duckling.
I'm not saying this is the case all the time, but it's a possibility.
Taking care of something does something fundamental to our feelings about it.
posted by amtho at 9:02 AM on March 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
When you're talking about little animals and kids (or adults), don't forget that often, you are talking about real love. Many kids would gladly give up camping, cake, friends, clothes, anything, if it meant honoring their love for their cat, dog, bird, or possibly even a duckling.
I'm not saying this is the case all the time, but it's a possibility.
Taking care of something does something fundamental to our feelings about it.
posted by amtho at 9:02 AM on March 28, 2016 [13 favorites]
Response by poster: To answer some questions: ducks are currently living in a large plastic tub in my stepkid's room. They are very warm and comfortable. Despite loathing their fluffy little presence, I am a vegetarian and thus feel sorta honor-bound to make sure they're comfortable/happy. We already HAVE three pets (two neurotic cats and one large, stupid dog). Thanks to everyone who Memailed and sent links to duck rescue sites!
posted by julthumbscrew at 9:03 AM on March 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by julthumbscrew at 9:03 AM on March 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Simple: ducks need ponds, you do not have a pond, send them to the farm.
posted by mareli at 9:09 AM on March 28, 2016 [12 favorites]
posted by mareli at 9:09 AM on March 28, 2016 [12 favorites]
Explain to the kids that while they love the ducklings, ducks need to be outside in a pond and not in a house, they cannot be happy and healthy where they are. When you find a rescue that will take them, let the kids be involved and know where they are going and that they will be safe and happy there. The one thing not to do is just disappear them and give the kids no say in it. Live animals are a terrible gift for the unprepared receiver and for the animal but it may make the kids see crazy bio parent as the good guy and you as the bad guy unless they really understand why you cannot keep the ducks, not just that you do not want them. And you really cannot keep them, that is just being honest.
posted by mermayd at 9:17 AM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by mermayd at 9:17 AM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
If they love the ducklings and are tweens I am sure they can understand that a plastic tub is not a healthy living situation for the ducks. Hence, start bringing them outside... which leads to a visit from your local bylaw/animal control officer
A plausible excuse is that the your municipality prohibits ducks (YMMV) and have a bylaw/animal control officer stop by the house AFTER you have scoped out a sanctuary they can go. Talk to the officer beforehand and confirm they will make this a teachable moment for the kids where their job is to keep both animals and people healthy and safe and the reason ducks are unsuitable for your current housing is for both the ducks and the people living around the duck.
posted by saucysault at 9:18 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
A plausible excuse is that the your municipality prohibits ducks (YMMV) and have a bylaw/animal control officer stop by the house AFTER you have scoped out a sanctuary they can go. Talk to the officer beforehand and confirm they will make this a teachable moment for the kids where their job is to keep both animals and people healthy and safe and the reason ducks are unsuitable for your current housing is for both the ducks and the people living around the duck.
posted by saucysault at 9:18 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Anywhere there's a stupid tradition of giving chicks and ducklings to children for Easter -- looking at you, the South! looking at you, Tractor Supply Company! -- there will be chicken and duck sanctuaries. There are also often duck ponds with lots of random ducks, but I don't recommend dumping them at a pond.
Tell the kids that they'll be happier on a pond so you're finding a nice pond for them.
posted by holgate at 9:18 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Tell the kids that they'll be happier on a pond so you're finding a nice pond for them.
posted by holgate at 9:18 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Sounds like you have the logistics mostly figured out, but let me recommend something that will make this transition easier for your kids. Do you have Amazon Prime? Then you have access to Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, the spiritual successor to Mr. Rogers that my 2-year-old loves more than anything, and which has an episode devoted to every conceivable problem of young childhood. Including (I kid you not) an episode about how the kids have to send their pet duck back to live on the farm, now that it's grown up. It's in season 2. If your kids are young enough that you think they'll have trouble processing the loss of their new BFFs, this might help.
posted by Mayor West at 9:34 AM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Mayor West at 9:34 AM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
My guess is that keeping fowl as a pet in your town is against code. Let the big gubmint be the bad guy here. Blame the code and then enlist the kids in helping you find the best rescue org or the best home for them.
posted by AugustWest at 9:52 AM on March 28, 2016
posted by AugustWest at 9:52 AM on March 28, 2016
Best answer: If they love the ducklings and are tweens I am sure they can understand that a plastic tub is not a healthy living situation for the ducks. Hence, start bringing them outside... which leads to a visit from your local bylaw/animal control officer
There is no reason for you to involve the animal control officer here. You do not need a fall-guy villain, you don't need to take up police time, you can't control how a situation will play out once you involve them. This can be a "we are making an independent decision about what is best for the ducklings" situation, not a "the police took my ducklings away" situation. You can still cite local ordinances and tell the children if it's illegal.
posted by Hypatia at 9:54 AM on March 28, 2016 [12 favorites]
There is no reason for you to involve the animal control officer here. You do not need a fall-guy villain, you don't need to take up police time, you can't control how a situation will play out once you involve them. This can be a "we are making an independent decision about what is best for the ducklings" situation, not a "the police took my ducklings away" situation. You can still cite local ordinances and tell the children if it's illegal.
posted by Hypatia at 9:54 AM on March 28, 2016 [12 favorites]
just as a point of fact:
1. ducks are actually pretty easy to raise and maintain for about 4 months to 5 months max (rubber tub, aquarium, etc is fine, it's just a sleeping roost). then they are too big, want to fly, are adult enough. move on to step 2.
2. release them to a duck pond, or other place where many ducks are present.
we raised ducks a few times as kids (Easter gifts) and they were easy to maintain, and always happily went off with the ducks at the duck pond when it was time. we also had a large excitable dumb-ish dog and there were never hilarious shenanigans. they seriously learn to fly well by 16-20 weeks and then they want to go.
posted by chasles at 10:01 AM on March 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
1. ducks are actually pretty easy to raise and maintain for about 4 months to 5 months max (rubber tub, aquarium, etc is fine, it's just a sleeping roost). then they are too big, want to fly, are adult enough. move on to step 2.
2. release them to a duck pond, or other place where many ducks are present.
we raised ducks a few times as kids (Easter gifts) and they were easy to maintain, and always happily went off with the ducks at the duck pond when it was time. we also had a large excitable dumb-ish dog and there were never hilarious shenanigans. they seriously learn to fly well by 16-20 weeks and then they want to go.
posted by chasles at 10:01 AM on March 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
just adding on to my comment, you aren't making a 5-15 year commitment like with dog/cat etc. and raise/love/release is a nice teachable moment when it's finite at 4-5 months.
ps, dad cried at the release (one of 3 times i can remember in my entire 4 decades), swore he had duck feathers in his eyes.
posted by chasles at 10:02 AM on March 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
ps, dad cried at the release (one of 3 times i can remember in my entire 4 decades), swore he had duck feathers in his eyes.
posted by chasles at 10:02 AM on March 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
In addition to formal rescues, there are people who keep ducks for eggs. You could advertise on Craigslist for a home with an existing flock. I don't know how attractive your specific ducks would be to farmers, but I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who keep backyard egg flocks, and ducks are not unheard of.
posted by not that girl at 10:07 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by not that girl at 10:07 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I grew up in a blended family, and in the spirit of teaching grandma to suck duck eggs (sorry), remember the #1 rule that the actually there bio parent has to be the one to be the hard-ass. (I am not referring to the hit and run bio parent with the terrible gifting judgement.) Letting the stepparent be the hard-ass because the problem is hard is an undue burden and can strain what may already be a difficult relationship. But it sounds like your problem is intensified because both of your kids are united on the loving fluffy ducks front.
posted by puddledork at 10:18 AM on March 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by puddledork at 10:18 AM on March 28, 2016 [3 favorites]
To the extent that these ducks mean more to the kids than they are cute ducks, meaning that they represent some sort of connection with a birth parent, I think setting up the government as per my suggestion above about checking local ordinance is the way to go. Yes, it was a hit and run gift leaving you holding the bag, but when getting out of the bag, try not to blame the poor gifting parent, but rather, it is just the law (if in fact it is against code).
posted by AugustWest at 10:27 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by AugustWest at 10:27 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
As a counterpoint: my husband had a pet mallard for ten years (from age 7ish to when he left for college), raised from a rescued chick a family friend showed up with. Waddles is, to this day, his most cherished childhood memory.
I hate that this was forced upon you, and I wish you all the luck in the world coming to a conscious uncoupling with the little beasties, but if you find yourself truly stuck with them the upside is that ducks can make great family pets.
posted by lydhre at 11:10 AM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
I hate that this was forced upon you, and I wish you all the luck in the world coming to a conscious uncoupling with the little beasties, but if you find yourself truly stuck with them the upside is that ducks can make great family pets.
posted by lydhre at 11:10 AM on March 28, 2016 [4 favorites]
always happily went off with the ducks at the duck pond when it was time.
For the record, it took me three tries to get our ducks to stay at the pond. They kept turning up at the house afterward -- it was within walking distance. Honestly, now, I'm not sure they knew how to feed themselves, and I feel pretty bad about it; I think I was 12 or so at the time.
The final and successful release attempt involved me putting a paper bag over each duck's head, walking to the pond via a circuitous route, going to the far edge of the pond, and making myself dizzy by turning around several times before removing the bag. Again, I was 12, and had no previous duck experience. I did the best I could with the knowledge and resources I had at the time.
They were large and white and kind of fun to carry, and our calm part-sheepdog dog used to love gently herding them into the corner of our chain-link fence -- they had known her since they were tiny and fuzzy and it didn't stress them out, it was just normal. I hope they were OK.
Don't even get me started on the year we got rabbits. Ugh.
posted by amtho at 12:04 PM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
For the record, it took me three tries to get our ducks to stay at the pond. They kept turning up at the house afterward -- it was within walking distance. Honestly, now, I'm not sure they knew how to feed themselves, and I feel pretty bad about it; I think I was 12 or so at the time.
The final and successful release attempt involved me putting a paper bag over each duck's head, walking to the pond via a circuitous route, going to the far edge of the pond, and making myself dizzy by turning around several times before removing the bag. Again, I was 12, and had no previous duck experience. I did the best I could with the knowledge and resources I had at the time.
They were large and white and kind of fun to carry, and our calm part-sheepdog dog used to love gently herding them into the corner of our chain-link fence -- they had known her since they were tiny and fuzzy and it didn't stress them out, it was just normal. I hope they were OK.
Don't even get me started on the year we got rabbits. Ugh.
posted by amtho at 12:04 PM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
Have you thought about putting them up on Craigslist, as free to a good home? I know people have been known to sell/give away chickens that way. Maybe someone in your area actually wants ducks and would be happy to take them off your hands.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 12:37 PM on March 28, 2016
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 12:37 PM on March 28, 2016
Are there any petting zoos/animal farms/sanctuaries that take ducks? When I was a teenager, my mom gave my bunny to a local apple orchard that had a "petting" zoo (I don't think you could actually pet the animals, just look at them). I'm a huge animal lover, but I was somehow fine with the bunny being taken to a farm where she could bring happiness to others.
posted by peach23 at 3:22 PM on March 28, 2016
posted by peach23 at 3:22 PM on March 28, 2016
Best answer: mochapickle points out the danger of salmonella. My kids got shigella from keeping ducklings, and the younger child had to be hospitalized.
Please get the duck pond out of your children's room asap.
posted by anadem at 5:56 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Please get the duck pond out of your children's room asap.
posted by anadem at 5:56 PM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
There are enough rescue orgs out there, or people with farms, that you should be able to find someone to rescue them. Though as someone else above pointed out, they're not bad pets if you keep them outside, or so my duck-adopting coworker said.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:15 PM on March 28, 2016
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:15 PM on March 28, 2016
Response by poster: Thanks, Mefites! It wasn't until this evening that I actually had a chance to speak to Mr. Thumbscrew, who was the only adult present when the Duckling Drop By the Deranged (TM) actually took place. Apparently, he DID strongly convey that these were temporary, TEMPORARY!!! ducklings, so the kids already know that we won't be keeping them forever, which is a huge relief. I am somewhat concerned about the fact that the ducklings are cute, fuzzy disease vectors, so I'm making everyone follow a Howard Hughes level of handwashing paranoia. While we have a yard in which the ducklings could CONCEIVABLY stay, 1. It's swarming with predators, and, 2. That's too close to actually KEEPING THEM for comfort. So I'm looking into local duck rescues ASAP. I'll update everyone when they've been successfully re-homed. By the way: ducklings AREN'T EVEN THAT CUTE. I went in to check on them and one blinked at me angrily, then disgorged a cloaca full of poop on its own blanket. The hell with you, ducklings.
posted by julthumbscrew at 7:24 PM on March 28, 2016 [14 favorites]
posted by julthumbscrew at 7:24 PM on March 28, 2016 [14 favorites]
You should at least get full cuteness benefit from your duckling experience. You might enjoy watching them putter around on the grass while they go 'mutter mutter peep peep peep' and look for bugs .
posted by amtho at 12:54 AM on March 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by amtho at 12:54 AM on March 29, 2016 [1 favorite]
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