Help me with my diffuse dysfunction
March 28, 2016 12:16 AM Subscribe
I have problems with the way I function and I don't really know where to start because part of it is just being overwhelmed. I wish I could take a medicine that would make me feel clear about life basics, capable of executing decisions, and free from anxiety.
I'm almost 30, male, working as a software developer. Grew up with single mom, very nerdy and introverted, started coming out of my shell a bit in university, but was sort of depressed for years, while also tormented by existential and cultural despair. Got into some meditation, started professional life, kind of found myself more and more, got some confidence. I now often feel quite okay, but I have lingering issues.
It's like everything is a stressor. Like I have ten different vague tooth aches, or something. Family relations... work... needing to buy new pants... planning a trip to another city to meet old friends... cooking... exercise... taxes... actual teeth... not knowing where I will live after April... not knowing where I want to live... my hobby projects that I want to get ready... laundry... watering the house plants of this furnished apartment...
It's like I have goals and desires (cook at home, book a train ticket, pay a bill) but executing them involves anxiety: I don't know what to cook because there are so many things and there are beggars outside the supermarket that make me feel bad and supermarkets are creepy and my dishes aren't clean and I don't know if I should be a vegetarian and the train ticket websites are awful and I feel like I'm spending too much money on things... or, I need pants but what brand and how could I possibly choose and why are the stores full of perfumes and creepy photos and how much money should I spend and how do I know I'm not being ripped off and just ughhh...
Like almost everything I want or need to do is connected to a big cloud of anxiety and horror and confusion about my self and the world, and aversion.
Externally I'm doing okay. People don't realize how flaky I tend to be, and I'm in a privileged position so things tend to work out anyway, so far.
I've been googling for psychotherapy and psychiatry things but, like, I can't even get myself to buy new pants when I need them, so how am I supposed to pick one of these services, convince myself that the price is okay, understand which is right for me, blah blah blah?
My guess is that I might be considered to have some kind of executive function or concentration disorder, combined with anxiety, plus some weirdness about social life due to having been such a loner (I'm pretty affable, mostly, but I still feel weird).
Sorry for this vague "plz help me at life" question. Basically I just want to grow up and stop being an idiot, and I don't know how to go about it.
P.S. I had a dream a few weeks ago where I met Slavoj Žižek in a bar and he was talking to me about "the traumas of daily life," and I was like, yeah dude.
I'm almost 30, male, working as a software developer. Grew up with single mom, very nerdy and introverted, started coming out of my shell a bit in university, but was sort of depressed for years, while also tormented by existential and cultural despair. Got into some meditation, started professional life, kind of found myself more and more, got some confidence. I now often feel quite okay, but I have lingering issues.
It's like everything is a stressor. Like I have ten different vague tooth aches, or something. Family relations... work... needing to buy new pants... planning a trip to another city to meet old friends... cooking... exercise... taxes... actual teeth... not knowing where I will live after April... not knowing where I want to live... my hobby projects that I want to get ready... laundry... watering the house plants of this furnished apartment...
It's like I have goals and desires (cook at home, book a train ticket, pay a bill) but executing them involves anxiety: I don't know what to cook because there are so many things and there are beggars outside the supermarket that make me feel bad and supermarkets are creepy and my dishes aren't clean and I don't know if I should be a vegetarian and the train ticket websites are awful and I feel like I'm spending too much money on things... or, I need pants but what brand and how could I possibly choose and why are the stores full of perfumes and creepy photos and how much money should I spend and how do I know I'm not being ripped off and just ughhh...
Like almost everything I want or need to do is connected to a big cloud of anxiety and horror and confusion about my self and the world, and aversion.
Externally I'm doing okay. People don't realize how flaky I tend to be, and I'm in a privileged position so things tend to work out anyway, so far.
I've been googling for psychotherapy and psychiatry things but, like, I can't even get myself to buy new pants when I need them, so how am I supposed to pick one of these services, convince myself that the price is okay, understand which is right for me, blah blah blah?
My guess is that I might be considered to have some kind of executive function or concentration disorder, combined with anxiety, plus some weirdness about social life due to having been such a loner (I'm pretty affable, mostly, but I still feel weird).
Sorry for this vague "plz help me at life" question. Basically I just want to grow up and stop being an idiot, and I don't know how to go about it.
P.S. I had a dream a few weeks ago where I met Slavoj Žižek in a bar and he was talking to me about "the traumas of daily life," and I was like, yeah dude.
This sounds debilitating. I'm sorry you're going through it. This is just the sort of thing that SSRIs tend to help with. Go see your GP and get recommendations for a psychiatrist/ therapist. Your GP may decide by herself that you'd benefit from an SSRI. Or she may want you to talk to a specialist. But make an appointment. You can get help.
posted by persona au gratin at 1:18 AM on March 28, 2016
posted by persona au gratin at 1:18 AM on March 28, 2016
Q. Do you take any medications currently?
I take a SNRI, for sucidal ideation, and a stimulant for some ADHD symptoms. These solve a subset of my worries. Others I still struggle with because they are not physically based; but having to carry 50kg mentally instead of 100kg helps immensely.
Obvious caveats; settling on this particular combo took a while and a fair slice of pain in things that didn't work. If you do (and you feel it works) then you can ignore this. And it doesn't resolve large existential issues. But it stops smaller issues (like buying pants) from shifting into the larger issues; you can do a cost/benefit on your time and work out that even if you are being exploited to a degree in pure dollar terms you're making it back in hours saved. That's how many companies work and it's not a flaw to go into that system.
posted by solarion at 1:30 AM on March 28, 2016
I take a SNRI, for sucidal ideation, and a stimulant for some ADHD symptoms. These solve a subset of my worries. Others I still struggle with because they are not physically based; but having to carry 50kg mentally instead of 100kg helps immensely.
Obvious caveats; settling on this particular combo took a while and a fair slice of pain in things that didn't work. If you do (and you feel it works) then you can ignore this. And it doesn't resolve large existential issues. But it stops smaller issues (like buying pants) from shifting into the larger issues; you can do a cost/benefit on your time and work out that even if you are being exploited to a degree in pure dollar terms you're making it back in hours saved. That's how many companies work and it's not a flaw to go into that system.
posted by solarion at 1:30 AM on March 28, 2016
I agree that therapy and meds can prove really helpful. CBT, ACT, and DBT (gotta love acronyms) are three different kinds of therapy that I think could each help. But getting on a med would probably be the best first step since that kicks in more quickly than therapy.
I suffer from severe anxiety as well as PTSD, plus I'm bipolar II. Especially with the PTSD, I have to find a lot of workarounds. For example, crowds stress me out, as does being in public around small children. So I avoid places like Target on Saturdays. I wear earbuds in the grocery store and try to turn it into a more pleasant experience with a podcast or a favorite album. If I'm having huge indecision about dinner, I limit my options and tell myself it's either spaghetti or a burrito. If I'm stressed about going to a laundromat, I make sure to find one with wifi. I try to remind myself that it's a gift to choose and it doesn't have to be a burden. These things don't cure any of my problems, but they make me feel more in control, which does a lot.
One of the biggest things I've learned about dealing with anxiety is this: it's not about whether x or y happens; it's knowing you can withstand it. And you can.
posted by mermaidcafe at 1:46 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
I suffer from severe anxiety as well as PTSD, plus I'm bipolar II. Especially with the PTSD, I have to find a lot of workarounds. For example, crowds stress me out, as does being in public around small children. So I avoid places like Target on Saturdays. I wear earbuds in the grocery store and try to turn it into a more pleasant experience with a podcast or a favorite album. If I'm having huge indecision about dinner, I limit my options and tell myself it's either spaghetti or a burrito. If I'm stressed about going to a laundromat, I make sure to find one with wifi. I try to remind myself that it's a gift to choose and it doesn't have to be a burden. These things don't cure any of my problems, but they make me feel more in control, which does a lot.
One of the biggest things I've learned about dealing with anxiety is this: it's not about whether x or y happens; it's knowing you can withstand it. And you can.
posted by mermaidcafe at 1:46 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I don't take any medications, no experience with them.
The sexual side effects of SSRI scare me because the most positive thing in my life now is a recently started relationship... my first one that actually has good potential... which is part of why I want to really deal with this stuff... and it seems like such a typical "why is the universe such a jerk" that the thing that could help me with my general stuff would also have a high risk of ruining sex.
I'm in a country with healthcare and I'm going to book a session.
posted by mbrock at 1:51 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
The sexual side effects of SSRI scare me because the most positive thing in my life now is a recently started relationship... my first one that actually has good potential... which is part of why I want to really deal with this stuff... and it seems like such a typical "why is the universe such a jerk" that the thing that could help me with my general stuff would also have a high risk of ruining sex.
I'm in a country with healthcare and I'm going to book a session.
posted by mbrock at 1:51 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
The way you describe yourself, I'm hearing analysis paralysis... you are an optimizer (not a satisficer) which means you believe a perfect decision exists there somewhere - the perfect pant, perfect train ticket etc.
You know what? Just buy the pants. If you over spend by $20 who cares. You are a software designer, you make enough to splurge on pants. And if you hate the pants later, donate them to charity and buy another pair. You have my permission as an internet stranger to buy some pants. If it's a mistake, I won't judge.
Make small inconsequential decisions (pants, tickets, meals) and go from there. Let go of the idea of a perfect decision. Those are only made with 100% of the data which you never have.
One time I got a bad haircut. I left the salon ANGRY at the wasted hair, wasted opportunity and wasted money. I get my hair cut every 6mo to one year and at first I thought "now I have to live with this for the next six months!" Then I realized - f* that noise! I went to another salon the very next day and got it re-cut. My $60 haircut cost me $120. That was like 5 years ago. And my take away is that I'm proud that I took charge of a bad decision / situation and turned it around, rather than beat myself up for a mistake. Few decisions are life-altering, least of all pants. You will buy many pants in a lifetime. So don't sweat one pair.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:06 AM on March 28, 2016 [11 favorites]
You know what? Just buy the pants. If you over spend by $20 who cares. You are a software designer, you make enough to splurge on pants. And if you hate the pants later, donate them to charity and buy another pair. You have my permission as an internet stranger to buy some pants. If it's a mistake, I won't judge.
Make small inconsequential decisions (pants, tickets, meals) and go from there. Let go of the idea of a perfect decision. Those are only made with 100% of the data which you never have.
One time I got a bad haircut. I left the salon ANGRY at the wasted hair, wasted opportunity and wasted money. I get my hair cut every 6mo to one year and at first I thought "now I have to live with this for the next six months!" Then I realized - f* that noise! I went to another salon the very next day and got it re-cut. My $60 haircut cost me $120. That was like 5 years ago. And my take away is that I'm proud that I took charge of a bad decision / situation and turned it around, rather than beat myself up for a mistake. Few decisions are life-altering, least of all pants. You will buy many pants in a lifetime. So don't sweat one pair.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:06 AM on March 28, 2016 [11 favorites]
IANAT but I do work with teens with emotional disabilities and your description looks similar to Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
GAD is characterized by persistent, excessive, and unrealistic worry about everyday things.
People with the disorder, which is also referred to as GAD, experience excessive anxiety and worry, often expecting the worst even when there is no apparent reason for concern. They anticipate disaster and may be overly concerned about money, health, family, work, or other issues. GAD is diagnosed when a person finds it difficult to control worry on more days than not for at least six months and has three or more symptoms.
Sometimes just the thought of getting through the day produces anxiety. They don’t know how to stop the worry cycle and feel it is beyond their control, even though they usually realize that their anxiety is more intense than the situation warrants.
Getting in to see a prescribing psychiatrist and also learning CBT will help. But this question is a great start; it means that you recognize this IS interfering with your life and you want it to stop.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 2:30 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
GAD is characterized by persistent, excessive, and unrealistic worry about everyday things.
People with the disorder, which is also referred to as GAD, experience excessive anxiety and worry, often expecting the worst even when there is no apparent reason for concern. They anticipate disaster and may be overly concerned about money, health, family, work, or other issues. GAD is diagnosed when a person finds it difficult to control worry on more days than not for at least six months and has three or more symptoms.
Sometimes just the thought of getting through the day produces anxiety. They don’t know how to stop the worry cycle and feel it is beyond their control, even though they usually realize that their anxiety is more intense than the situation warrants.
Getting in to see a prescribing psychiatrist and also learning CBT will help. But this question is a great start; it means that you recognize this IS interfering with your life and you want it to stop.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 2:30 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I could've written this question at certain times of life, and my theory is that it's mostly anxiety. For me, a consistent exercise and sleep schedule goes a long way toward addressing it. Also, oddly, heat helps me -- like daily sauna time. Different lifestyle factors might help you; I've heard people recommend cutting back on caffeine and drinking calming teas like chamomile, and meditation. These have no negative side effects and if nothing else, might help enough that you find it easier to choose a therapist / psychiatrist.
posted by salvia at 3:24 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 3:24 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
The sexual side effects of SSRI scare me because the most positive thing in my life now is a recently started relationship... my first one that actually has good potential... which is part of why I want to really deal with this stuff...
I speak from experience: it's worth it. There's no point in protecting your sex drive if your anxiety is preventing you from functioning in a relationship. Sexual side effects are not inevitable, they're not permanent, and you may be able to find a medication that avoids them altogether.
It's great that you've decided to see someone; that's a huge first step.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:55 AM on March 28, 2016
I speak from experience: it's worth it. There's no point in protecting your sex drive if your anxiety is preventing you from functioning in a relationship. Sexual side effects are not inevitable, they're not permanent, and you may be able to find a medication that avoids them altogether.
It's great that you've decided to see someone; that's a huge first step.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:55 AM on March 28, 2016
I was going to nth Celexa too. Helps with ALL of that there 'swirling thoughts' bullshit. But Welbutrin doesn't have sexual side effects, so perhaps look into that. Getting meds right for anxiety may be a bit of trial and error, but even a small dose can help SO MUCH!
Talk to your GP, in a lot of cases that's as far as you need to go.
In the meantime, sack up and do it anyway. Whatever 'it' is. Buy some pants. Just order them off the internet. Maybe they work, maybe they don't. The world won't end if they don't.
Go to the grocery store, buy some food. Go home and cook it. If you get hit up by a panhandler, just tell them no.
Involve a broker to find you a place to live. For grins, make it near your work. Or near a good friend. If you can't decide, outsource the decision.
The idea is make some decisions, even some bad ones. Most things aren't irreversible, and most things are trivial at the end of the day.
Here's a challenge. Make one decision a day. For example, tonight, go to the grocery store and buy some heat & eat meals for yourself. Yay! You accomplished it! Good for you.
Don't let perfect be the enemy of good enough. We're none of us perfect, and the more we learn to live with imperfection, the better and less stressful our lives are.
Oh, and if you want to outsource a decision to me, hit me up on memail, and I'll pick out some pants for you and tell you what to eat for dinner.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:19 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Talk to your GP, in a lot of cases that's as far as you need to go.
In the meantime, sack up and do it anyway. Whatever 'it' is. Buy some pants. Just order them off the internet. Maybe they work, maybe they don't. The world won't end if they don't.
Go to the grocery store, buy some food. Go home and cook it. If you get hit up by a panhandler, just tell them no.
Involve a broker to find you a place to live. For grins, make it near your work. Or near a good friend. If you can't decide, outsource the decision.
The idea is make some decisions, even some bad ones. Most things aren't irreversible, and most things are trivial at the end of the day.
Here's a challenge. Make one decision a day. For example, tonight, go to the grocery store and buy some heat & eat meals for yourself. Yay! You accomplished it! Good for you.
Don't let perfect be the enemy of good enough. We're none of us perfect, and the more we learn to live with imperfection, the better and less stressful our lives are.
Oh, and if you want to outsource a decision to me, hit me up on memail, and I'll pick out some pants for you and tell you what to eat for dinner.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:19 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
The way you describe yourself, I'm hearing analysis paralysis... you are an optimizer (not a satisficer) which means you believe a perfect decision exists there somewhere - the perfect pant, perfect train ticket etc.
I think this may be on the right path...
Me and you are both software developers who are sensitive and tend toward idealism, anxiety, and perfectionism. So we have a lot in common. I'm a few years older than you and I'm doing pretty well. Below are some conclusions I've arrived at along the way, they may not apply to you, grain of salt and all that.
I think our profession may be harmful for our mental health, in multiple ways. This doesn't mean you should give it up or that it's somehow inherently bad, you just need to adjust some things.
posted by tempythethird at 5:49 AM on March 28, 2016 [11 favorites]
I think this may be on the right path...
Me and you are both software developers who are sensitive and tend toward idealism, anxiety, and perfectionism. So we have a lot in common. I'm a few years older than you and I'm doing pretty well. Below are some conclusions I've arrived at along the way, they may not apply to you, grain of salt and all that.
I think our profession may be harmful for our mental health, in multiple ways. This doesn't mean you should give it up or that it's somehow inherently bad, you just need to adjust some things.
- Depersonalization: Your description of decision-paralysis points in this direction. It sounds like you're standing outside of yourself, trying to apply a programmer's decision-making to the minutiae of daily life, spinning helplessly. You spend your day staring at 3 displays filling your entire field of view, multiple windows and tabs holding terminals and IDEs all set up just so, in a state of flow, wearing the machine like a glove. You're disembodied, it's just you and the code and the tools, all the details matter, for each question and decision there's a correct choice, nothing you're dealing with holds any aesthetic or ethical meaning. It's a great world to be in, it's a great thing to be. But it's an inhuman way of being. It makes you into a floating intelligence divorced from your intuitive, emotional, and aesthetic self. And that rupture, when carried into normal life, feels strange and uncomfortable, and it leaves you trying to use the wrong faculty at the wrong times. We're not meant to use our programmer-selves to decide what to buy or who to spend time with - this is what your needs and desires are for, and you need to be connected to them. The daily injustices of the world are to be met with your aesthetic and compassionate self, that which can feel the appropriate pain and move on as it must. You are not going to get to the bottom of anything, even less address it, in that moment - even though this is your programmer self's trained reaction. When the workday is over, you must work to reengage and reintegrate your full humanity, there's various rituals and practices that can help. Also, consider moving through the workday in a less all-encompassing way. Don't fill your entire field of view with displays. Go outside, take more breaks, stretch, take your colleague's dog around the block.
- Separation from the tangible: Many programmers, especially older ones, have very serious hobbies that all sound like the opposite of programming. Making beer, pickles, kimchi, playing the guitar or the sax, bird watching, mountain climbing and bouldering, gardening, and carpentry are all examples I take from various people I've worked with. These pursuits, in different ways, help us reconnect with the our intuitive and emotional selves and change the speed and deliberation with which we think. Also, and I think psychology is just starting to look at this, but being in nature and fresh air, and handling dirt and wood and food, these are all things that are necessary for mental health. Our digital tools and the offices that hold them are filled with glass, plastic, metal, carpeting, and alien lighting. And too much immersion in this context will make you feel like an alien too. It's more than fashion that's driving Google to build a campus that looks like a 21st century bucolic paradise.
- Engineer brain: Ok I admit I really didn't know what to call this one. This is the phenomenon that explains why so many terrorists are engineers. It's a way of thinking that overestimates the power of empiricism, our ability to understand phenomena at all levels of abstraction, and our ability to affect major change. It leads us into "great man" perspectives on history and society, and biases us towards action. Paradoxically, it can create paralysis because it makes us search (fruitlessly, usually) for the perfect understanding of a system or problem that will then enable us to take just the right action. A solution to this is, (yes there's a theme here) humility and the acceptance of our inability to understand, much less change, most of what we see around us. Also, we should appreciate that the world of abstraction is not the actual world, and resist the temptation to apply the mental habits of one to the other.
posted by tempythethird at 5:49 AM on March 28, 2016 [11 favorites]
SSRIs are not the only antidepressants. You can ask for a different kind and be firm about why.
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:54 AM on March 28, 2016
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:54 AM on March 28, 2016
Response by poster: Thanks everyone!
About decision making, part of that is just feeling "lost in the supermarket" and yeah, in a way detached. Like I know that there is lots of bad stuff, for example the standard store that pops into my head is H&M, but I have some vague idea that their labor practices are bad, so I feel vaguely bad about that, and then I don't know about are the other stores better, and why do I only think about these awful mega corporations, but more unique places will be pricier and too special or something, and uh I don't understand the fashion implications of anything that's not jeans, blah blah blah.
And basically same with food. There are ten kinds of salad and five hundred cheeses and I don't understand what is good to eat regularly and everyone keeps talking about carbohydrates and proteins and organic and I really can't decide about vegetarianism because I was one for years but then I got out of it and I obviously like eating meat but why don't I care about the animals and climate but I kinda do but I don't want to stand out with my vegetarian diet because I don't care that much so why pretend and blah blah blah.
So that lostness plus the more general anxiety... Not really perfectionism, more like I don't even know what to optimize for? And it kinda takes the joy out of everything.
But somehow I recognize that the inability to cope productively with this is probably a symptom of being depressed or anxious or whatever it is.
posted by mbrock at 6:12 AM on March 28, 2016
About decision making, part of that is just feeling "lost in the supermarket" and yeah, in a way detached. Like I know that there is lots of bad stuff, for example the standard store that pops into my head is H&M, but I have some vague idea that their labor practices are bad, so I feel vaguely bad about that, and then I don't know about are the other stores better, and why do I only think about these awful mega corporations, but more unique places will be pricier and too special or something, and uh I don't understand the fashion implications of anything that's not jeans, blah blah blah.
And basically same with food. There are ten kinds of salad and five hundred cheeses and I don't understand what is good to eat regularly and everyone keeps talking about carbohydrates and proteins and organic and I really can't decide about vegetarianism because I was one for years but then I got out of it and I obviously like eating meat but why don't I care about the animals and climate but I kinda do but I don't want to stand out with my vegetarian diet because I don't care that much so why pretend and blah blah blah.
So that lostness plus the more general anxiety... Not really perfectionism, more like I don't even know what to optimize for? And it kinda takes the joy out of everything.
But somehow I recognize that the inability to cope productively with this is probably a symptom of being depressed or anxious or whatever it is.
posted by mbrock at 6:12 AM on March 28, 2016
I had issues for awhile with being anxious and overanalyzing everything and having this tape loop of over-analysis (much like you describe) running constantly in my head. I found a therapist, at a place my son's pediatrician had recommended awhile back when we were going through a rough patch with him.
It was REALLY FUCKING HARD to make the appointment. I waffled for three weeks before I walked over there and asked to register as a new patient. Then they told me I actually had to call someone on the phone to register and it was another three weeks before I managed that.
Now that I've been going for several weeks, it's been really helpful. The therapist has been helping me learn some mindfulness techniques - basically when the tape loop starts swirling, you stop, and start examining every detail of every thing around you at that moment. Really minute details. It brings your brain back to the present, and can interrupt some of the obsessing. I feel SO MUCH MORE FUNCTIONAL since I started doing this. It's amazing how I can do things like... pay bills. And renew my license plate. And stuff that I just couldn't make room for in my brain before.
There are definitely still times when I go off the rails - at last week's appointment I had a colossal meltdown because I'd forgotten to cancel a child's medical appointment in a timely fashion, and that spiraled out of control in terms of its importance in the grand scheme of things, but I did feel better afterwards. And going off the deep end in therapy is certainly preferable to going off the deep end at one's partner.
posted by telepanda at 6:31 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
It was REALLY FUCKING HARD to make the appointment. I waffled for three weeks before I walked over there and asked to register as a new patient. Then they told me I actually had to call someone on the phone to register and it was another three weeks before I managed that.
Now that I've been going for several weeks, it's been really helpful. The therapist has been helping me learn some mindfulness techniques - basically when the tape loop starts swirling, you stop, and start examining every detail of every thing around you at that moment. Really minute details. It brings your brain back to the present, and can interrupt some of the obsessing. I feel SO MUCH MORE FUNCTIONAL since I started doing this. It's amazing how I can do things like... pay bills. And renew my license plate. And stuff that I just couldn't make room for in my brain before.
There are definitely still times when I go off the rails - at last week's appointment I had a colossal meltdown because I'd forgotten to cancel a child's medical appointment in a timely fashion, and that spiraled out of control in terms of its importance in the grand scheme of things, but I did feel better afterwards. And going off the deep end in therapy is certainly preferable to going off the deep end at one's partner.
posted by telepanda at 6:31 AM on March 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I agree with all of the above suggestions that you try out therapy and meds.
One thing that has helped me (in addition to therapy) is thinking about decisions as experiments. You aren't being tested when you are buying pants. You are testing out a particular pair of pants. Just experimenting. You do it. You see how it feels. You make adjustments next time.
I've found this approach very freeing. Perhaps you will too.
posted by mcduff at 7:15 AM on March 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
One thing that has helped me (in addition to therapy) is thinking about decisions as experiments. You aren't being tested when you are buying pants. You are testing out a particular pair of pants. Just experimenting. You do it. You see how it feels. You make adjustments next time.
I've found this approach very freeing. Perhaps you will too.
posted by mcduff at 7:15 AM on March 28, 2016 [5 favorites]
I've been googling for psychotherapy and psychiatry things but, like, I can't even get myself to buy new pants when I need them, so how am I supposed to pick one of these services, convince myself that the price is okay, understand which is right for me, blah blah blah?
Making the appointment is actually the hardest part. It gets easier from there, I swear. Go to your regular doctor, get a referral, and take a leap of faith that it will be better than things are right now.
There's a saying: "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good." Whatever you pick, be it a pair of pants or a psychiatrist, it's not going to be perfect. It just is not going to be. There is no such thing as the perfect pair of pants or the perfect doctor or the perfect life. But things can be better than they are right now.
If you have concerns about specific treatments and their side effects, tell the doctor about your fears, and talk about them. Some people get certain side effects and some do not. I've never had any of the common side effects from medication, but I've had uncommon side effects (a medication that apparently makes everyone else so sleepy that it can be used as a sleeping pill, I didn't have that side effect, but I did have a persistent metallic taste in my mouth from it. Super weird.)
Part of anxiety is wanting to know ahead of time how things are going to turn out. You want to know that you're going to like your doctor. You want to know that the medication isn't going to mess up your relationship. You want to know that you're not contributing to making the world a worse place by buying goods made with bad labor practices. But a lot of those are things you're just not going to be able to know until you try them out and see what happens. You may never know whether this is, in the words of Voltaire, "the best of all possible worlds." But it can be slightly better than it is right now. And if it gets worse, you at least know how to get back to the level of badness you're experiencing right now. Focus on that.
posted by decathecting at 7:36 AM on March 28, 2016
Making the appointment is actually the hardest part. It gets easier from there, I swear. Go to your regular doctor, get a referral, and take a leap of faith that it will be better than things are right now.
There's a saying: "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good." Whatever you pick, be it a pair of pants or a psychiatrist, it's not going to be perfect. It just is not going to be. There is no such thing as the perfect pair of pants or the perfect doctor or the perfect life. But things can be better than they are right now.
If you have concerns about specific treatments and their side effects, tell the doctor about your fears, and talk about them. Some people get certain side effects and some do not. I've never had any of the common side effects from medication, but I've had uncommon side effects (a medication that apparently makes everyone else so sleepy that it can be used as a sleeping pill, I didn't have that side effect, but I did have a persistent metallic taste in my mouth from it. Super weird.)
Part of anxiety is wanting to know ahead of time how things are going to turn out. You want to know that you're going to like your doctor. You want to know that the medication isn't going to mess up your relationship. You want to know that you're not contributing to making the world a worse place by buying goods made with bad labor practices. But a lot of those are things you're just not going to be able to know until you try them out and see what happens. You may never know whether this is, in the words of Voltaire, "the best of all possible worlds." But it can be slightly better than it is right now. And if it gets worse, you at least know how to get back to the level of badness you're experiencing right now. Focus on that.
posted by decathecting at 7:36 AM on March 28, 2016
It doesn't have to be four diagnoses. It may be, it may be just anxiety, or it may be something else. Neither you or anyone here needs to worry about what the diagnosis is; you're unhappy with the way you interact with the world, and this is exactly what therapists and psychiatrists are for.
Therapy will require hard work on your part. You might experience side effects from medication. These are things that you can deal with because they're worth it. It's not worth it to avoid these things because they may suck some, seeing as your daily life is making you miserable.
As for the relationship, good luck trying to sustain that long-term when you're this unhappy and paralyzed by day-to-day life. If you care about your partner, you'll put on your own oxygen mask. You can worry about sexual side effects IF and when they come up.
posted by hollyholly at 7:43 AM on March 28, 2016
Therapy will require hard work on your part. You might experience side effects from medication. These are things that you can deal with because they're worth it. It's not worth it to avoid these things because they may suck some, seeing as your daily life is making you miserable.
As for the relationship, good luck trying to sustain that long-term when you're this unhappy and paralyzed by day-to-day life. If you care about your partner, you'll put on your own oxygen mask. You can worry about sexual side effects IF and when they come up.
posted by hollyholly at 7:43 AM on March 28, 2016
You can worry about sexual side effects IF and when they come up.
It is also totally legitimate to go to your doctor and say "I would like an antidepressant that is not known to have sexual side effects." They do exist, it's just that SSRIs are the most common type.
If you have this concern, don't dismiss it. Healthy sexuality is really important to a lot of people's mental health.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:58 AM on March 28, 2016
It is also totally legitimate to go to your doctor and say "I would like an antidepressant that is not known to have sexual side effects." They do exist, it's just that SSRIs are the most common type.
If you have this concern, don't dismiss it. Healthy sexuality is really important to a lot of people's mental health.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:58 AM on March 28, 2016
I think about slaves making clothes and GMOs and non-organic crap in food, too, but I still have little trouble buying these things because overriding those considerations most of the time, in the moment, is choosing what I LIKE. You don't seem to refer to what you like, just to what you *should* do. So maybe get in touch with your preferences (other than your preference to do the absolute, in-all-circumstances, perfectly right thing)? Buy pants and food you like, period. Your paralysis and monkey mind really isn't helping the slaves or hurting corporate farmers and pesticide-makers, because you obviously (I think?) are wearing clothes and eating anyway, and there is no way in this global, interconnected world you or anyone could be doing that without causing any harm at all to someone or something. After you are very comfortable buying and doing things you like (pants that feel good or look good or go with other things you have, and food that tastes good), then maybe cut out a few of the most egregiously harmful things/products you like, but not before. It's good to want to do the least harm to other as possible, but in this case, I think your inaction/action is harming you and probably not helping anyone else.
posted by mmw at 10:07 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by mmw at 10:07 AM on March 28, 2016 [1 favorite]
Yeah, it is likely a symptom of the anxiety. I think you'll find that when the anxiety goes down, all that stuff about labor practices becomes a passing thought ("I need to remember to research that before my next shopping trip") instead of a very important concern that utterly derails you. Something interesting you might try is to find something to track (e.g., how hard it was to make dinner) and start getting a sense of when the paralysis is higher vs. lower.
In the meantime, one way to deal with this is to just tackle these head on, one at a time, and then find some decision and stick with it for awhile. E.g., what DO you think is a reasonable meal plan that reflects your values? Okay, can you stick to that meal plan for a month or so, to save your daily decision making energy for the next topic (e.g., where to shop for clothes)?
posted by salvia at 12:18 PM on March 28, 2016
In the meantime, one way to deal with this is to just tackle these head on, one at a time, and then find some decision and stick with it for awhile. E.g., what DO you think is a reasonable meal plan that reflects your values? Okay, can you stick to that meal plan for a month or so, to save your daily decision making energy for the next topic (e.g., where to shop for clothes)?
posted by salvia at 12:18 PM on March 28, 2016
all that stuff about labor practices becomes a passing thought ("I need to remember to research that before my next shopping trip")
...or a deal breaker that causes you to leave the store. The choice will be much more knee jerk and easily made. Decisions will just naturally feel more right.
posted by salvia at 12:22 PM on March 28, 2016
...or a deal breaker that causes you to leave the store. The choice will be much more knee jerk and easily made. Decisions will just naturally feel more right.
posted by salvia at 12:22 PM on March 28, 2016
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