husband leaving after 38 years
March 26, 2016 6:18 PM Subscribe
2 weeks ago my husband quietly said that he was moving out. We met in college and have 2 grown children who moved out 2 years ago. My husband retired last March and I retired in January. His news blew me away. Finally we would be able to be with each other and do things together. He says he still loves me, but can't forgive me for having such a strong relationship to my father (who died last October)....he feels that I had always loved my father more than he and he is tired of feeling this way about me and does not believe me that I do truly still love him and always have.
We "grew up" together and have many shared memories of our wonderful children. He is an amazing father, especially since he had no father of his own to guide him as a child. I came to our marriage not being as "healthy" as I am now.......my childhood family was totally dysfunctional with my dad domineering and bullying and basically acting like a child to my 2 sisters and my mom. We all made it through this in our own ways......my sisters lashing out and I playing the role of the "good daughter". The person who suffered most from my lack of understanding and confidence was my husband, who also was "bullied" with sarcasm and constant commentary about how to do this or that better blah blah blah.......I never confronted my father and feel horrible at the impact this unhealthy behavior has had on my marriage. Please help with any thoughts. We have talked together and I shared how I totally understand his feelings and his need to "restart" our relationship. He moved out last Monday to a rental that he is working on for a friend. We still see each other to dance together (we started this up 3 years ago and both love it), but I feel so helpless and hopeless right now about how to navigate through this unexpected time.......Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
We "grew up" together and have many shared memories of our wonderful children. He is an amazing father, especially since he had no father of his own to guide him as a child. I came to our marriage not being as "healthy" as I am now.......my childhood family was totally dysfunctional with my dad domineering and bullying and basically acting like a child to my 2 sisters and my mom. We all made it through this in our own ways......my sisters lashing out and I playing the role of the "good daughter". The person who suffered most from my lack of understanding and confidence was my husband, who also was "bullied" with sarcasm and constant commentary about how to do this or that better blah blah blah.......I never confronted my father and feel horrible at the impact this unhealthy behavior has had on my marriage. Please help with any thoughts. We have talked together and I shared how I totally understand his feelings and his need to "restart" our relationship. He moved out last Monday to a rental that he is working on for a friend. We still see each other to dance together (we started this up 3 years ago and both love it), but I feel so helpless and hopeless right now about how to navigate through this unexpected time.......Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
This is really sad, I am sorry you are in the place you are.
I might have been you. My father was domineering and provided constant slights and "not-good-enough" messages to the rest of the family and my ex-wife. I cut him out of my life twenty or so years ago after he insulted her. He is now dead and yet I see my own actions at that time a reflex from his aggressive ways.
Nowadays, I know he was a frightened man: constantly afraid of losing the ones he loved; and his fear begat his reality. This is really hard to understand unless you have lived it, and your husband didn't - all he saw was an aggressive asshole with whom you appeared to agree.
Your husband was hurt: blindsided, probably, by your father's behavior and he had neither point of reference nor experience in navigating that. Your silence was your own programming, and he does not know how thoroughgoing that is. I imagine he forbore to disagree with your dad for your sake.
Now that your father is dead, all the might-have-beens are moot. Agree with The Underpants Monster therapy might help, mainly from the POV of how you reacted to your father and how that had nothing to do with your husband, even though it hurt him. That hurt will probably be hard to resolve.
posted by jet_silver at 7:01 PM on March 26, 2016 [10 favorites]
I might have been you. My father was domineering and provided constant slights and "not-good-enough" messages to the rest of the family and my ex-wife. I cut him out of my life twenty or so years ago after he insulted her. He is now dead and yet I see my own actions at that time a reflex from his aggressive ways.
Nowadays, I know he was a frightened man: constantly afraid of losing the ones he loved; and his fear begat his reality. This is really hard to understand unless you have lived it, and your husband didn't - all he saw was an aggressive asshole with whom you appeared to agree.
Your husband was hurt: blindsided, probably, by your father's behavior and he had neither point of reference nor experience in navigating that. Your silence was your own programming, and he does not know how thoroughgoing that is. I imagine he forbore to disagree with your dad for your sake.
Now that your father is dead, all the might-have-beens are moot. Agree with The Underpants Monster therapy might help, mainly from the POV of how you reacted to your father and how that had nothing to do with your husband, even though it hurt him. That hurt will probably be hard to resolve.
posted by jet_silver at 7:01 PM on March 26, 2016 [10 favorites]
He's felt like this for 38 years and never once shared how this has made him feel? Or you've known all along how your father treated him and let it slide? Either way, it sounds like the resentment has built until it's just too much for him. The upside to this is that he still loves you and wants to restart the relationship. It sounds like your husband moving out was the only signal he could give you as to how bad it really is, and now you get it, you can start to hopefully repair things.
I would definitely try couples therapy, and just listen to him. Your husband has 38 years worth of feeling like a punching bag for your father while it sounds like you supported it, in his mind anyway. Keeping in mind you too need support and therapy as you were playing the role of peacekeeper in what sounded like an abusive relationship with your parents, so you were coping the only way you knew how. This is just awful. Therapy will help both of you see your way through this and maybe he will realise you were as much a victim as he was. Big hugs.
posted by Jubey at 7:02 PM on March 26, 2016 [18 favorites]
I would definitely try couples therapy, and just listen to him. Your husband has 38 years worth of feeling like a punching bag for your father while it sounds like you supported it, in his mind anyway. Keeping in mind you too need support and therapy as you were playing the role of peacekeeper in what sounded like an abusive relationship with your parents, so you were coping the only way you knew how. This is just awful. Therapy will help both of you see your way through this and maybe he will realise you were as much a victim as he was. Big hugs.
posted by Jubey at 7:02 PM on March 26, 2016 [18 favorites]
nthing those above. There are relationship AskMes where I'm unconvinced of the therapy option, but this situation seems to be crying out for the both of you to sit down in a room with a professional and talk about four decades (and more, for you) of unspoken thoughts and feelings. Even if the result of doing so is that you remain separated, it will be better for you both to have done so. My best wishes to you.
posted by holgate at 7:10 PM on March 26, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by holgate at 7:10 PM on March 26, 2016 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I agree that you could ask him if he's open to the possibility of couple's counseling. But I actually think that it's much more important that you get individual counseling. It would be great if he would do that, too, but that's not really in your control. You've gone through a ton of change in the past year: you've retired, your husband has retired, you've lost a difficult parent (and sometimes losing a difficult parent is harder than losing one with whom you had a good relationship)... there's just a ton to process even without your husband dropping this bombshell on you. And I guess that, without having any knowledge of what's going on, I'm a little suspicious of his explanation, and I think you need to come to an independent understanding of what's going on in your relationship, rather than relying on your husband's possibly self-serving explanation of why he's leaving. I'm not saying that your husband is wrong to leave, but sometimes people come up with bullshit reasons because they don't want to say or think that they just don't want to be in a relationship anymore. It may be that he's blaming you because he wants to preserve his sense of himself as the good guy, and as the child of an abusive parent, you may be primed to accept responsibility for things that aren't necessarily your fault.
But what I really want to say to you is that you are going to be ok. You are going to be ok whether or not you and your husband reconcile. Take care of yourself, reach out to the people who love you, and know that you will get through this. We're all pulling for you.
Do you want to continue going dancing with your husband? You should feel free to say no if that's confusing or upsetting rather than fun.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 7:12 PM on March 26, 2016 [51 favorites]
But what I really want to say to you is that you are going to be ok. You are going to be ok whether or not you and your husband reconcile. Take care of yourself, reach out to the people who love you, and know that you will get through this. We're all pulling for you.
Do you want to continue going dancing with your husband? You should feel free to say no if that's confusing or upsetting rather than fun.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 7:12 PM on March 26, 2016 [51 favorites]
I think your husband needs a thorough physical exam. Not to imply that his feelings are not valid; it's just that the timing of his leave-taking (post-retirement, post-father-in-law's passing, and his at-least-late-50s age) might be a red flag for an underlying medical issue compounding the situation.
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:10 PM on March 26, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:10 PM on March 26, 2016 [10 favorites]
I rarely jump on the therapy bandwagon, but in this case, I think you both would benefit from it.
posted by MexicanYenta at 9:44 PM on March 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by MexicanYenta at 9:44 PM on March 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
Being mad at how you related to a difficult parent who is now dead.... Just doesn't ring true to me.
Any chance he is having an affair, perhaps with the friend whose house he's moved into?
posted by pseudostrabismus at 10:46 PM on March 26, 2016 [15 favorites]
Any chance he is having an affair, perhaps with the friend whose house he's moved into?
posted by pseudostrabismus at 10:46 PM on March 26, 2016 [15 favorites]
Sadly, he's probably wanted to leave for years but been waiting for the kids to move out. Was your father sick for a period before he died? I have relatives who were in a position where she wanted to leave, say a year-ish after empty nest, in that time his close relative got sick so she said nothing and stayed through the illness and death and split from him year later.
posted by Iteki at 1:01 AM on March 27, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by Iteki at 1:01 AM on March 27, 2016 [6 favorites]
I'm so sorry. My situation wasn't analogous but I know how hard it hit me to lose a 15 year marriage. I can't imagine how dislocated you must feel right now.
I second ArbitraryAndCapricious' remark that you should get into individual counseling, because you will need that reference and support regardless of what your husband does or doesn't do. I also share some concern that this may not be the "real" reason, or be the only reason and your own therapist can help you unpack this. When my husband left me, I took his reasons at face value, and they were naturally not the reasons at all. He wasn't able to articulate the real reasons to me-- partly because they made him feel quite bad about himself. It took a long time to really sort out the whole picture.
This isn't to say you should disbelieve him, exactly. Just that these kinds of things are rarely down to a single root cause and often the people most impacted are the least able to really understand what is happening.
I also, finally, think you need your own therapist to help you sort out your own feelings about your marriage. Not your plans or not you wish it is, but your own real feelings and the real reactions you have (and are entitled to have) about this turn of events. Just as there is rarely a single root cause, I firmly believe that one person is not "guilty" in a set of relationship problems. No matter how difficult the relationship with your father, your husband also had choices, and moments, and agency in all of this.
The practical advice I got at the time which was helpful was:
Don't be too much alone. Don't be two days in a row alone. Join meetup groups. Meet friends. Take classes. But be around other people for some time during most days.
Talk to people-- many many of us have been through this. I cried on the shoulder of a woman at an art gallery, and she let me, talking to me for hours.
Call your network. This is not the time to be shy, or to be afraid to ask for help. Ask for help now. The response will probably surprise you.
Keep exercising, if you can. It's as good as a low grade antidepressant. I took up running. I didn't save my marriage, but I did finish a marathon. So can you.
You will be okay. The essential you is not going to die from this, no matter what happens. I promise there will come a moment when you will be okay.
posted by frumiousb at 3:57 AM on March 27, 2016 [12 favorites]
I second ArbitraryAndCapricious' remark that you should get into individual counseling, because you will need that reference and support regardless of what your husband does or doesn't do. I also share some concern that this may not be the "real" reason, or be the only reason and your own therapist can help you unpack this. When my husband left me, I took his reasons at face value, and they were naturally not the reasons at all. He wasn't able to articulate the real reasons to me-- partly because they made him feel quite bad about himself. It took a long time to really sort out the whole picture.
This isn't to say you should disbelieve him, exactly. Just that these kinds of things are rarely down to a single root cause and often the people most impacted are the least able to really understand what is happening.
I also, finally, think you need your own therapist to help you sort out your own feelings about your marriage. Not your plans or not you wish it is, but your own real feelings and the real reactions you have (and are entitled to have) about this turn of events. Just as there is rarely a single root cause, I firmly believe that one person is not "guilty" in a set of relationship problems. No matter how difficult the relationship with your father, your husband also had choices, and moments, and agency in all of this.
The practical advice I got at the time which was helpful was:
Don't be too much alone. Don't be two days in a row alone. Join meetup groups. Meet friends. Take classes. But be around other people for some time during most days.
Talk to people-- many many of us have been through this. I cried on the shoulder of a woman at an art gallery, and she let me, talking to me for hours.
Call your network. This is not the time to be shy, or to be afraid to ask for help. Ask for help now. The response will probably surprise you.
Keep exercising, if you can. It's as good as a low grade antidepressant. I took up running. I didn't save my marriage, but I did finish a marathon. So can you.
You will be okay. The essential you is not going to die from this, no matter what happens. I promise there will come a moment when you will be okay.
posted by frumiousb at 3:57 AM on March 27, 2016 [12 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you, thank you everyone for your amazing insights and support! I have begun seeing a therapist and everyday seems to be filled with a bit more joy and less sadness ....I am so overwhelmed with gratitude to you all (hive wisdom is the best!) ps I do love bees and will be getting another hive soon to start on this new journey filled with sweetness and light !!!!
posted by milkweed1 at 8:15 PM on March 27, 2016 [8 favorites]
posted by milkweed1 at 8:15 PM on March 27, 2016 [8 favorites]
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I know it's the knee-jerk response here, but do you think he'd be willing to try couples therapy? Individual therapy for the both of you sounds like it couldn't hurt, either. It sounds like both of you have gone through a lot during and before the marriage. Even if it turns out in the end that you aren't able to reunite, I think it could only help the transition.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:32 PM on March 26, 2016 [2 favorites]