How best to end a date going badly?

December 19, 2005 11:21 PM

DatingFilter: Is it acceptable to end a first-date midway through if I've realized within the first half hour that I won't be going on a second date with her?

I met this girl on Match and we had been exchanging e-mails over the last month. Our conversations were good (though not great), but there weren't any red flags. Anyway, we talked on the phone a couple times and agreed to go for coffee.

Within about the first half hour, I realized that our value systems shared hardly anything in common and had decided that I would not be going on a second date with her. She seemed to like me, though, so I just continued with the conversation, for lack of a better option.

I suppose the first part of my question is, well, I couldn't have just ended the date midway through... could I? Setting aside that option for a moment, that leads to my next dilemma -- at the end of the evening, it was getting late and so we headed out of the coffeeshop...

Since the two of us were parked at opposite ends of the parking lot, we had our parting words which included from her "I had a good time -- we should do this again." Do I just lie at this point and say, "Um, yeah", or is there a better strategy?

Yeah, it's one date and doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I just don't want to be a jerk about this.

posted by Alex Handcoding to human relations (35 comments total)

Lemon Law?

I'd say tough it out and give an obtuse answer at parting. You never know if one of you might in fact introduce the other to that one person you really connect with.

Consider it networking.
posted by geekyguy at 11:32 PM on December 19, 2005

How about honesty? "I like you, but I realize now that I have a very different value system than you do. I'm not sure that I will be a compatible partner for you. For example..."

Perhaps she'll say, "yeah, you're right" or "oh - no, I... misrepresented myself - I'm not like that, I just thought that you..." &c.

Honesty, man.
posted by PurplePorpoise at 11:32 PM on December 19, 2005

The second date is not the issue in the middle of the first one. I think it's not beyond your ability to be polite and pleasant throughout the remaining time. I've gone out with a lot of people that I knew I'd never see again within 10 seconds of meeting them, however, I think it's needlessly cruel and a bit arrogant to just turn around and walk out. You might not ever see the person again, but he or she is... a person.
On the second question, I just say "I had a good time, too." and leave it at that.
posted by muddylemon at 11:33 PM on December 19, 2005

I think ending the date in the middle is something you could do, but would be pretty rude, is this the value system you are talking about? As to the second part, that is a tough one. Personally I would address it after the fact, during the next phone call or chat session. There is nothing saying you have to be brutaly abrupt in your honesty.
posted by edgeways at 11:38 PM on December 19, 2005

I'm a big supporter of the "cut your loses quick and often" school when you're actually out looking for dates. Wait, that makes me sound like an ass. I just mean that if you meet a girl and you buy her a couple drinks before she idly mentions her boyfriend, stand up and walk away. I've got no problem with that at all.

But leaving halfway through the date? Dude, come on, it's like another hour at most. Suck it up.

(However, apparently I'm full of shit because my girlfriend just reminded me that, before she actually met me, all she knew about me was that I had once showed up at a mutual friend's door at midnight because I had jumped out of a car at a stoplight and ran away from a date I was on.)
posted by Ian A.T. at 12:08 AM on December 20, 2005

Lemon law, eh? Well, I think "muddylemon's Law" actually has it. Follow that advice exactly, and save the "different value systems" chat for when/if she actually does want to do this again.
posted by SuperNova at 12:22 AM on December 20, 2005

A good response, in closing is "let's talk soon" or "I'll be in touch." That is a fair starting point for the "I did not feel a connection" email or phone call (IMHO email is fine).

As for ending it prematurely, I don't really know. If you have a comfortable exit, take it. In general, I think it makes sense to arrange a brief first date for exactly this reason, but you're kind of stuck for at least that much. I have been stuck with people I knew I would not be interested in another date with, but I think that finishing out the first date is pretty much an obligation of politeness (and giving it a chance). I've never felt that the time spent was so onerous that I just had to leave. Finish the date. Converse with someone new. It's usually interesting, if nothing else. And I think you have to keep a somewhat open mind with this dating game. Being inflexible about fast results makes it difficult to really connect.

As you gain more experience with online dating, you should get better at not agreeing to meet someone who will turn you off within 30 minutes. Screen more, earlier. Good luck!
posted by scarabic at 12:23 AM on December 20, 2005

what is this 'dating lemon law' of which you speak?
posted by Firas at 12:37 AM on December 20, 2005

Since you're never going to see the person again, here's your chance to do your part for humanity.

Be completely open and honest and explain why you don't think you should go on another date. It's lot less insulting than saying 'maybe' when you really mean 'no'.

Social rules prohibit this, but since when have social rules been a very good thing for our interactions between us?

Not to say that I practice this, because I, like everyone else, feel obligated to be 'nice', when being honest is the greater service to someone, regardless of how they react to it.
posted by cellphone at 2:28 AM on December 20, 2005

If you can smile and say "I'll be in touch" like scarabic says ("let's talk soon" gives too much hope), you're being polite yet vague. If she then asks you out again, you can talk to her about how you two are not that compatible. You can manage that, right? :)

But please, not in the middle of the damn thing. Leave the other person with some shred of dignity, will ya'? Endure it till the end of dinner, and if she suggests activities after that, you can try to excuse yourself for some pressing reason. If your value systems are different, make it easier on yourself by switching to some topic that is easy to converse about and won't let values get in the way. Food, music, movies, wine, sport, whatever. Avoid "serious" topics. Believe me, I know what you're talking about - the first 30 minutes - and this is what I've done to get through the evening. (I find it easy to talk about food.)
posted by madman at 2:42 AM on December 20, 2005

As a match.com survivor, here's a little thing that I learned: Put a time limit on the first meeting. For me, it was 30 minutes. And nothing fancy, just meet for coffee. I was always up front and told them that I had this guideline for first meetings and it was for both of our comfort and sanity, in case we didn't hit it off, we only had to suffer with each other for 30 minutes and one cup of coffee.
Every woman, to a one, loved this. It takes a hell of a lot of pressure off them, and me.
posted by willmize at 3:09 AM on December 20, 2005

I agree with scarabic- this is why first dates need to be very, very short. Once you're there, try to make the best of a bad situation. I don't enjoy it, but I consider it good endurance practice for my manners.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:26 AM on December 20, 2005

To put this all in perspective — I absolutely hated my husband the first time I met him. Just sayin'.
posted by Brittanie at 3:27 AM on December 20, 2005

Reading inbetween the lines Alex Handcoding - perhaps you went on a date with someone that had red flags...because if she was smoking hot (or you were really attracted beyond her picture) you'd been willing to forgive the value differences.

Meanwhile:

Behave as an adult.
Tough it out.
Don't Plan a marathon date ever when you first meet someone.

Create an aritifical time limit: I only have a half an hour, because (you have to drop something by your friends by xx O'clock) - but I'd love to get a drink.

Not dinner. Not more than 30 min. You can always decide to see if she'll stay longer if you're having a good time.

Unless the person is an ass. But realistically, you can manage 30 min. Uncomfortable ending? "The next week is crazy insane for me, but I'll drop you a line via email"

And last - follow your instincts. Red flags are red flags.
posted by filmgeek at 4:52 AM on December 20, 2005

Seconding muddylemon on how to handle a poorly-developing first date (be human and treat the other person likewise) and seconding filmgeek on how to properly structure future first dates.

I do agree that red flags exist for a reason and there's no need to try to tough out multiple dates with someone who just doesn't do it for you (for whatever reason), but I also think that people come into our world for numerous reasons and it's no great tragedy if you've "wasted" an evening (or better yet, an hour or two) on a person with whom you won't eventually end up. It's all an experience.
posted by justonegirl at 5:18 AM on December 20, 2005

I think you get the idea from the bulk of previous comments. However I know of an extreme case--the girl ordered literally everything on the menu plus a $200 bottle of wine, and got up to spend 10 minutes in the bathroom after each plateful or two--where the gentleman excused himself to go to the bathroom, went out the back door, and called the restaurant manager on his cell to let him know that he had left.
posted by StickyCarpet at 5:50 AM on December 20, 2005

My friend went on a match date and realized within seconds the guy was a closet case. She pretended to get a phone call ten minutes later and said she had to run because of a work emergency.
I think that's a bit extreme. But in dire straits, it's an option.

Do you guys think it's better to just not call after a bad date or try to explain why you don't want to go on another?
I had a bad date recently with a guy who spent the whole time talking about himself and I really wanted to tell him it was that - and not some appearance thing - that put me off. But I didn't have the courage. (It's the kind of thing the guy should know: you have to at least feign some interest in the other person.)
posted by CunningLinguist at 5:54 AM on December 20, 2005

For Firas...
Lemon Law:
My friend goes on a ton of Internet dates and believes she can spot a good/bad fit in five minutes, and any time after that is just filler.

Lemon Law works much the same way, if you decide within the first XX minutes (I think 5), that it's not a good fit, you call invoke the Lemon Law and end the date. Let it be noted that according to the episode, it's probably proper to actually explain that you're invoking the Lemon Law, rather than up and leave, but neither exit strategy is graceful.

I have never actually heard of this being used, I simply saw the TV episode that referenced this, but I have no doubt that people use their own variation of that concept, even my friend does it.

Anyway, my friend had been talking about how she wishes she could leave after five minutes in certain cases long before the episode aired; her thing is to either have fake plans afterwards or call/text me so that I can call back and rescue her.

Here's a site from the show with a little info - http://www.cbs.com/primetime/how_i_met_your_mother/barneys_blog/11_15.shtml
posted by ml98tu at 6:22 AM on December 20, 2005

use willmize suggestion and don't be a fuck.
posted by Sagres at 6:46 AM on December 20, 2005

Ditto on, "Keep first dates under an hour" (i.e. have someplace else you MUST be--real or fake--and let them know beforehand that you'll be leaving after 30 min to an hour or so).

I had a recent bad one where the guy showed up looking at least 15 years older than his stated age (and posted photo). No way, no how this was going anywhere romantic. But I had a nice talk with an interesting person (who wasn't rude or crazy, which would be an early exit cue, of course) and it didn't kill me to have what turned out to be a interesting conversation with him for 45 minutes over a drink.

First dates (especially internet ones) are nervewracking for everyone, even when they end up going well. Is it really worth poisoning your karma to leave after 5 minutes? Imagine how you'd like to be treated as a fellow human being if the tables were turned (i.e. would you want to get the message that you weren't even worth talking to for more than 5 minutes of her time if she knew she'd never go out with you again because you weren't smart or cool or hawt enough to rock her world?).

And afterwards--leave the ball in their court. Let them contact you, and then you give them the, "Not a good fit for me romantically," etc, whatever. You don't have to reject someone minutes after they just met you--that's what follow-up phone calls and emails are for, assuming she decides to contact you again. (And she might have just said, "We should do this again" as a knee-jerk polite thing, or she might change her mind after dissecting the date with her girlfriends, or after meeting someone she likes more on her next internet date--for all you know, she's got 3 more lined up for the weekend.)
posted by availablelight at 6:51 AM on December 20, 2005

P.S. to CunningLinguist: Interesting question. When he contacted me again, I let him know I wouldn't want a second date--if he had asked me why, I would have brought up the age issue (note: I'm not sure if he was actually lying or just looked really bad for his age...).

Having been both the rejected and the rejector in these situations, I feel like there should be a "no thanks" offered when someone is willing to try a second date and the other is not interested, rather than just ignoring the email or phone call, etc. But I don't know if it's really necessary or advisable to give a specific reason unless asked.
posted by availablelight at 7:11 AM on December 20, 2005

It's coffee, which is open-ended. It's not like you went to a movie with her and left halfway through. Give it 20 minutes, then say you enjoyed meeting her but really must go. Don't promise to call her or see her again unless you actually intend to do so.
posted by orange swan at 7:38 AM on December 20, 2005

Figured I should chime in here -- I wasn't seriously considering leaving midway through; it was just a thought that popped in my head. It did seem like an unpleasant thing to do, but I wasn't sure if teh Intarweb felt the same way.

Oh, and willmize, I'm interested in how you approach your 30-Minute Rule....

I was always up front and told them that I had this guideline for first meetings and it was for both of our comfort and sanity, in case we didn't hit it off, we only had to suffer with each other for 30 minutes and one cup of coffee. Every woman, to a one, loved this.

I presume you bring that up while arranging the date (such as over the phone); then, if you have to invoke it during the date, what then? "Well, let's see.. It's been about 30 minutes and you're boring. Gotta go." (?)
posted by Alex Handcoding at 8:16 AM on December 20, 2005

I agree that it needs to be an extreme case to bail on an unpromising date in the middle of it. First date should always be a quick one (under two hours, preferably under an hour).

The "safety" phone call, where you get a friend to call you on your cell half an hour into a date, is just lame. Everyone knows that trick, and you just look like a jerk -- your date will be telling their friends about what a goof you are.

There's nothing wrong with telling your date, "Look, this doesn't feel right, but at least I'm not bailing on you with some bullshit prearranged cell phone call. Best of luck."

But the best solution is to suck it up and let the date play out until it's over. I've had some really unfortunate dates, and never once I have I failed to at least finish my coffee and walk her to her car.
posted by solid-one-love at 8:16 AM on December 20, 2005

Stick it out. I bailed early once and I still feel bad about it. . .

Take it as an opportunity to meet and get to know (somewhat) another human being, something we all should be doing more of anyway. And if you want to be really cold about it, you never know who that person you bailed-on might know. Your escape may cost you later. . .
posted by BrandonAbell at 8:56 AM on December 20, 2005

Interesting, I think I'm normally a little more strident about civility than a lot of people but I don't think there's anything wrong with cutting a first date short if you're getting bad juju from it. I think that it's obvious that doesn't apply to something you can't just walk away from mid-stream, like dinner, but over drinks?

I've had several women contact me via email or phone after one or two dates with a "I'm just not feeling it" message and I'd just have soon gotten that message sooner or in person if they knew it then. The way it was handled in that television show was douchbag-ish but I think it's a toss-up whether it's actually less polite to let someone know you've made up your mind about them rather than sucking up another hour-plus of their life.

If you're capable of keeping an open mind past that point I think it's in both of your interests to play it out, but if you have really closed the door internally? Be courteous and quit using up lifetime they could be spending with someone who actually likes them.
posted by phearlez at 9:08 AM on December 20, 2005

I just wanted to point out the willmize's solution is really only going to work for dates arranged via a dating service like match.com. In most situations, e.g. meeting someone through friends, at a party, at work, insisting that you have a hard and fast 30 minute rule will seem really odd and very likely ruin your chances of getting that date.

For the parting shot, in a situation similar to yours, I've used something like this "I had a pleasant time tonight, but I'm a bit busy in the next few days. If you'd like, you can call me." There is no need to ruin her night by being honest right at that minute. Let her go home feeling good. (Wouldn't you like to go home feeling good if you were in her place?)

Most women seem to realize that it is pretty freaking rare for a guy to be so busy he can't make a 20 minute phone call and take this for the mild brush off that it is. But if a woman did call me I would be honest and let them know that I just wasn't interested.
posted by oddman at 9:15 AM on December 20, 2005

I went out for coffee with a fellow, and although it was clear after about two seconds we had no chemistry, we chatted for awhile and then left. He sent me a follow-up e-mail, saying It was nice to meet you yesterday. You seem to always know about fun little things {in New York}, so that's very cool. Have a good rest of the day at work! I thought that was very nice.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:28 AM on December 20, 2005 [1 favorite has favorites]

My friend went on a match date and realized within seconds the guy was a closet case.

Well, as Brittanie's comment suggests, first impressions are not always accurate. If that's the way she perceived him, then I can't blame her for going.

But I encourage anyone who's doing the internet dating thing not to judge someone based on how they behave in the first seconds of a blind date. Shit. If people judged me in those seconds, lord knows what they'd think. I could certainly come across gay in the first 30 seconds. It's happened.

It's important to realize that online dating is very time-intensive (or at least it has to be if you want to screen well). If you meet someone at a party, you get your 5-minutes of conversation in the kitchen and then you can just walk away. You can do this with 12 people at the same party. This is much more efficient.

Online dating has other strengths, like knowing someone's relationship status and age up front. But yeah. You have to make a date. Go there. Meet. Talk. Eventually make an exit. And all this just to get a look at the person in the flesh.

Have no illusions: it's work.
posted by scarabic at 3:25 PM on December 20, 2005

How about honesty? "I like you, but I realize now that I have a very different value system than you do. I'm not sure that I will be a compatible partner for you. For example..."

Honesty is certainly a good policy, but I invite you to actually try this line sometime and see how well it trips off the tongue, how well it's received, and how comfortable the next moment is.

It's well-known on the dating scene that some prospects don't pan out. There's honesty and there's full disclosure. Not everyone needs to hear that you didn't find them suitable for whatever reason. Just letting go is often fine.

The only reason to stand up from the table and say something like the above is to save the time which might have been spent continuing the date. This isn't some kind of high-minded sense of honesty and honor: it's the pursuit of convenience.
posted by scarabic at 3:44 PM on December 20, 2005

Do you guys think it's better to just not call after a bad date or try to explain why you don't want to go on another?

If I have gotten to the point where I've met the person in the flesh, I would prefer some communication. If it's still at the emailing-each-other stage, then I'm fine with just dropping the ball.

A word of advice on telling someone why you don't want to see them again: don't get too specific. Perhaps telling a guy that he talked about himself too much would be helpful to him. He might have been doing it out of nervousness, and perhaps he was kicking himself for it afterward (heh - probably not, though, right?).

But then, on the other hand, I once met a young lady for a drink and she told me afterward that #1, she'd gotten serious with someone else. And #2, she didn't think her jewishness and my arabness would work out so well. I really didn't need to hear reason #2, frankly, but it certainly made blowing her off as an idiot quite easy.
posted by scarabic at 3:55 PM on December 20, 2005

For AlexHandcoding:
Oh, and willmize, I'm interested in how you approach your 30-Minute Rule....I presume you bring that up while arranging the date (such as over the phone); then, if you have to invoke it during the date, what then? "Well, let's see.. It's been about 30 minutes and you're boring. Gotta go." (?)

Alex - absolutely right, I brought it up via email or phone, whichever we were using to set up the meet and greet. Phrased something like "let's meet at 4:30, give it a half an hour and see where it goes". Several went thirty minutes with mutual agreement on both sides that it just wasn't happening, and several went for 2-3 hours, with us looking at each other at the thirty minute mark and saying "this is nice, let's keep going".
posted by willmize at 4:17 PM on December 20, 2005

A friend was on a match.com date and the guy bailed before the first drink was done. I thought that showed a complete lack of class. Okay, this isn't your lifemate, but you might still be able to have fun and enjoy a good conversation even if you don't want to date her.
posted by bananafish at 4:18 PM on December 20, 2005

I was out on a blind date once and after a couple of drinks I said, "Wow, we really don't have anything in common, do we?" She laughed, said, "no, not at all" and after that we relaxed and enjoyed our drinks and chatted about dating in Manhattan. Spared us at least another half-hour of annoying drivel.
posted by ikkyu2 at 5:13 PM on December 20, 2005

I went on a date with a woman, and enjoyed my time with her. Towards the end of the date, I told her I had enjoyed things and asked her if she'd like to do it again; she responded affirmatively.

It was only when she returned no future phone calls or e-mails that I realized she didn't mean it.

Retrospectively, I would have much preferred she sucked it up and told me outright. It would have created some awkwardness at the end of the date, but I would have respected her decision. At the very least, a single response to an e-mail indicating her decision ... that just strikes me as courteous.
posted by WCityMike at 9:26 PM on December 22, 2005