Getting rid of a work crush
March 16, 2016 6:50 AM Subscribe
I have a crush on my boss, but I love my work and want to stay. What are some strategies I can use to get over this crush?
I'm in my thirties and he's in his forties. We're a small office. He's my supervisor/boss and I'm the middle manager. We have always been friendly, but the crush has intensified over the last year. We've gone out to lunch a few times, and we've learned that we have a lot in common. He makes me laugh. And when I'm not in work, he often occupies my thoughts and fantasies. I don't think any boundaries have been crossed, for the record, other than the friendliness.
Obviously, there are many, many reasons why it wouldn't work, starting with the fact that I LOVE my job. I'm also happily married. And I know it's just a stupid crush. I've never had a crush like this before, only ever with people who would be considered my peers.
I'm looking for helpful ways to break this crush, preferably that aren't leaving my job. Have you been in this situation before? Any suggestions on how to shake this? FWIW, I'm planning therapy to figure out why this happened in the first place, but other helpful thoughts would be great!
I'm in my thirties and he's in his forties. We're a small office. He's my supervisor/boss and I'm the middle manager. We have always been friendly, but the crush has intensified over the last year. We've gone out to lunch a few times, and we've learned that we have a lot in common. He makes me laugh. And when I'm not in work, he often occupies my thoughts and fantasies. I don't think any boundaries have been crossed, for the record, other than the friendliness.
Obviously, there are many, many reasons why it wouldn't work, starting with the fact that I LOVE my job. I'm also happily married. And I know it's just a stupid crush. I've never had a crush like this before, only ever with people who would be considered my peers.
I'm looking for helpful ways to break this crush, preferably that aren't leaving my job. Have you been in this situation before? Any suggestions on how to shake this? FWIW, I'm planning therapy to figure out why this happened in the first place, but other helpful thoughts would be great!
This probably sounds snarkier than I intend it, but if you mess something up badly enough at work that it causes your boss to become upset with you, he'll lose some of his luster. Something like showing up two hours late - something that won't affect your actual output, but will piss him off to the point where he no longer seems charming. My thought process is that part of the reason the crush has endured is that he's only shown you his charming side. If you see a more asshole-ish side, it'll bring him back down to earth. Although some people seem to have a thing for getting yelled at by assholes, so...
posted by kevinbelt at 7:19 AM on March 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by kevinbelt at 7:19 AM on March 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
Use your imagination to take this crush to a painful, hurtful and family destroying end.
Imagine your husband's reaction.
Imagine your children's (if you have them) reaction.
Imagine the divorce.
Imagine leaving this job.
Imagine having to find another one.
Imagine, imagine, imagine.
Right now you're using this imagination for crush, maybe turning that power around and looking at it differently will be that bucket of ice water that you're looking for.
Also +1 for Ruthless Bunny's suggestion to start romancing your spouse.
I realize that these two suggestions are diametrically opposed, so choose one and go for it.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 7:50 AM on March 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
Imagine your husband's reaction.
Imagine your children's (if you have them) reaction.
Imagine the divorce.
Imagine leaving this job.
Imagine having to find another one.
Imagine, imagine, imagine.
Right now you're using this imagination for crush, maybe turning that power around and looking at it differently will be that bucket of ice water that you're looking for.
Also +1 for Ruthless Bunny's suggestion to start romancing your spouse.
I realize that these two suggestions are diametrically opposed, so choose one and go for it.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 7:50 AM on March 16, 2016 [2 favorites]
This could be positive transferrence. You like your job, your boss is responsible for you having and continuing to like said job, you like and respect him and therefore will have warm feelings. If I were you I would try to channel your crush on the boss into your crush on your job. And make out with your husband more!
posted by pazazygeek at 8:19 AM on March 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by pazazygeek at 8:19 AM on March 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
Alternatively, you could just enjoy it. Having positive feelings about someone is fine. Just keep these thoughts in your head where they belong. Having a wonderful active fantasy life is part of living. You don't need therapy for this. You don't need to find out how it happened. You were in close proximity to an attractive, nice, person that makes you laugh and who you have a lot in common with. Something would be wrong if you didn't run that one through your head.
posted by cjorgensen at 8:34 AM on March 16, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by cjorgensen at 8:34 AM on March 16, 2016 [5 favorites]
This is super super normal, at least in my experience. No therapy is necessary.
I would stop the lunches together definitely. One thing that's helped me is counterintuitive -- telling my husband. Something about being open about it really takes the fun right out of the crush. On top of that, my husband will tease me about such things, which really moves the crush along to its demise.
posted by Fig at 9:31 AM on March 16, 2016 [13 favorites]
I would stop the lunches together definitely. One thing that's helped me is counterintuitive -- telling my husband. Something about being open about it really takes the fun right out of the crush. On top of that, my husband will tease me about such things, which really moves the crush along to its demise.
posted by Fig at 9:31 AM on March 16, 2016 [13 favorites]
I'm planning therapy to figure out why this happened in the first place, but other helpful thoughts would be great!
I'm glad you're being proactive. But the short answer to "why this happened" is because you are human, and humans being attracted to certain other humans is a natural thing, whether you are in a happy wonderful relationship, no relationship, or a bad relationship. You find you have a lot of things in common also because you are human, and that's what we do with everyone. We'd never make friends if we sat down and tried to find out what we don't have in common!
Throughout the history of mankind, people have been trying to figure out this "magic" of attraction, crushes, and love, and have not been able to do so. I'm confident no one here will finally figure it out either. You're just human, so don't beat yourself up over it. On the other hand, realize that since you are human, you are subject to the same failings as other humans throughout history. People smarter than you, more faithful than you, and more careful than you, have fallen into emotional and physical affairs.
So....
Since you can not choose your emotions, as they are a natural reaction to what's going on around you, you can only choose your own actions. And since you are in a committed relationship, you have actually already chosen your course of action, so now you just have to follow it.
- Honor your spouse in the same way you would want your spouse to honor you
- Politely avoid situations that encourage emotional bonding with your boss (maybe you need to start a lunch time yoga class that you must attend every day... real or imagined)
- Keep your spouse front-of-mind in all conversations
- Welcome opportunities to talk about your spouse; ("That's interesting! I'll have to remember to tell [spouse] about that!)
- Stay focused on work
- Don't feed the Crush Monster; it will just grow, and no good will come of it for anyone, regardless of how good it feels in the moment
- Focus on your spouse and doing the things together you enjoy
- Be patient and stay the course
Important: even if the crushy feelings never, ever, ever, subside, ever, you still must do these things if you want to honor your relationship. But the crushy feelings will subside with time.
posted by The Deej at 9:31 AM on March 16, 2016 [3 favorites]
I'm glad you're being proactive. But the short answer to "why this happened" is because you are human, and humans being attracted to certain other humans is a natural thing, whether you are in a happy wonderful relationship, no relationship, or a bad relationship. You find you have a lot of things in common also because you are human, and that's what we do with everyone. We'd never make friends if we sat down and tried to find out what we don't have in common!
Throughout the history of mankind, people have been trying to figure out this "magic" of attraction, crushes, and love, and have not been able to do so. I'm confident no one here will finally figure it out either. You're just human, so don't beat yourself up over it. On the other hand, realize that since you are human, you are subject to the same failings as other humans throughout history. People smarter than you, more faithful than you, and more careful than you, have fallen into emotional and physical affairs.
So....
Since you can not choose your emotions, as they are a natural reaction to what's going on around you, you can only choose your own actions. And since you are in a committed relationship, you have actually already chosen your course of action, so now you just have to follow it.
- Honor your spouse in the same way you would want your spouse to honor you
- Politely avoid situations that encourage emotional bonding with your boss (maybe you need to start a lunch time yoga class that you must attend every day... real or imagined)
- Keep your spouse front-of-mind in all conversations
- Welcome opportunities to talk about your spouse; ("That's interesting! I'll have to remember to tell [spouse] about that!)
- Stay focused on work
- Don't feed the Crush Monster; it will just grow, and no good will come of it for anyone, regardless of how good it feels in the moment
- Focus on your spouse and doing the things together you enjoy
- Be patient and stay the course
Important: even if the crushy feelings never, ever, ever, subside, ever, you still must do these things if you want to honor your relationship. But the crushy feelings will subside with time.
posted by The Deej at 9:31 AM on March 16, 2016 [3 favorites]
Your marriage is more important than your job. Please start looking for other work and kudos on the therapy. In the meantime, focus on his flaws. Make a list of them and when you find yourself daydreaming about him, focus on that list.
posted by myselfasme at 9:32 AM on March 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by myselfasme at 9:32 AM on March 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
The real benefit of therapy is that you can tell someone about the crush in a safe place. Talking about it tends to take the air out. There's nothing wrong with you for having the crush - you're human, it happens.
Meanwhile look to see if there are unmet needs in the rest of your life that need filling. Do you have someone (friend or husband) that listens to you and supports you? Is your sex life fulfilling? Have you been on vacation lately? Are you bored? These are all fixable problems, invest your time in this.
posted by crazycanuck at 10:11 AM on March 16, 2016
Meanwhile look to see if there are unmet needs in the rest of your life that need filling. Do you have someone (friend or husband) that listens to you and supports you? Is your sex life fulfilling? Have you been on vacation lately? Are you bored? These are all fixable problems, invest your time in this.
posted by crazycanuck at 10:11 AM on March 16, 2016
First, I agree that you need to stop meeting him in any but a professional setting. Lunches together aren't a good idea at all.
Second, work on finding the things that are not attractive about him, especially those that contrast with your spouse. Everyone has got their less appealing side, and you can figure out his.
Third, spend some time thinking about all the things that you just adore about your spouse. Such as, your spouse gets you, your spouse loves you, you have fun with your spouse, your spouse makes you feel safe, etc.
I think a lot of mental and other infidelity starts with getting blind to the flaws in the other person, and the fabulous and irreplaceable things about your partner. So take a turn off that road by doing just the opposite.
posted by bearwife at 11:41 AM on March 16, 2016
Second, work on finding the things that are not attractive about him, especially those that contrast with your spouse. Everyone has got their less appealing side, and you can figure out his.
Third, spend some time thinking about all the things that you just adore about your spouse. Such as, your spouse gets you, your spouse loves you, you have fun with your spouse, your spouse makes you feel safe, etc.
I think a lot of mental and other infidelity starts with getting blind to the flaws in the other person, and the fabulous and irreplaceable things about your partner. So take a turn off that road by doing just the opposite.
posted by bearwife at 11:41 AM on March 16, 2016
I would say to tell your husband about your crush. Part of this is the secrecy/thrill of being attracted to someone you're not supposed to be, I'm guessing. If you make it into more of a joke and tell your husband, "OMG, I have the hugest crush on Don Draper! It's insane!" and you guys can laugh about it and he can tease you about it and whatever, it's going to lose part of its thrill.
posted by xingcat at 12:52 PM on March 16, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 12:52 PM on March 16, 2016 [3 favorites]
when I'm not in work, he often occupies my thoughts and fantasies
I find the key to enjoying a good work crush is to resist fantasizing about the person.
Having a crush at work can make the day more pleasurable, and there's no harm in enjoying being around someone you're into - if you keep it to what it is. Fantasizing on the other hand - which always *sounds* innocent, particularly when compared to actually acting on your crush - develops it into something it's not in your mind, then your perception of the relationship mutates, and from thereon in no good can come.
TL;DR - have your cake, just don't fantasize about eating it.
posted by forallmankind at 6:33 PM on March 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
I find the key to enjoying a good work crush is to resist fantasizing about the person.
Having a crush at work can make the day more pleasurable, and there's no harm in enjoying being around someone you're into - if you keep it to what it is. Fantasizing on the other hand - which always *sounds* innocent, particularly when compared to actually acting on your crush - develops it into something it's not in your mind, then your perception of the relationship mutates, and from thereon in no good can come.
TL;DR - have your cake, just don't fantasize about eating it.
posted by forallmankind at 6:33 PM on March 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
My mileage is different from everybody else's, because I would repress the hell out of these feelings, instead of trying to talk about them with my spouse. I have never found that sexual attraction decreased when I talked about them - if anything it seems like giving myself permission to have those feelings deepen and become more "real" and solid.
I would just throw myself into the work part of work, and when things let up enough that it's time for lunch or teambuilding or whatever, I would ask to work through so that I can go home early (or go home at all, you know, depending on how intense your workplace is), because that reinforces the association between home (including husband) and happiness/relaxation.
I would probably not go as far as the rubber band, but changing the mental subject every time I start to daydream or whatnot has been useful for me.
posted by gingerest at 6:36 PM on March 16, 2016
I would just throw myself into the work part of work, and when things let up enough that it's time for lunch or teambuilding or whatever, I would ask to work through so that I can go home early (or go home at all, you know, depending on how intense your workplace is), because that reinforces the association between home (including husband) and happiness/relaxation.
I would probably not go as far as the rubber band, but changing the mental subject every time I start to daydream or whatnot has been useful for me.
posted by gingerest at 6:36 PM on March 16, 2016
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You know you're happy in your marriage, having a crush is just a way of getting some excitement into your life. Find other excitements. Plan a trip, plan a renovation, plan something that takes up time and allows you to channel your interests.
Wear a loose rubber band around your wrist, when you start daydreaming about your crush, snap it hard. I'm not joking. A little aversion therapy never hurt anyone.
Another thing is to invite your boss out with your spouse and have everyone get to know each other socially. If boss is married or in a relationship you can double. Nothing big, drinks or dinner. Once you see that your boss has a life outside of work, your ardor will cool
You're bored, that's all. When things go well with work and home life, humans tend to seek out excitement. You got a crush. I bought a house.
Find something less destructive to occupy your time.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:06 AM on March 16, 2016 [10 favorites]