Help me like where I live!

December 19, 2005 7:52 PM

How do I come to terms with living in a city I'm not crazy about?

I moved to my current city for work about three years ago, intending to stay 3-5 years at the most and then move back to my hometown.

I have since met and fallen madly in love with a woman, a woman that I intend to marry (not just a fleeting thing, in other words...). She loves it here, doesn't particularly like where I'm from, and all things being equal would stay here for life if she could.

I don't hate it here, I've made lots of good friends and never struggle for interesting and fun things to do, but....it's not ultimately where I want to be, and thus I think I don't appreciate where I am as I probably could/should. I'd much rather be in a place that I'm not nuts about with her than be alone in my "ideal" place, so the question is, how do I stop making my current home suffer in comparison with where I want to be?

posted by pdb to society & culture (22 comments total)

(Also hoping for advice on this subject)
posted by Popular Ethics at 7:57 PM on December 19, 2005

Home is where the heart is. Truly, I understand where you're coming from having moved to a city for an ex-ms. kcm that we were both not crazy about (albeit temporarily for school), and all I can say is that any problems you have will probably be with you wherever you go. If you've found your true love, and you value that as a key goal in life as many do, you'll find happiness wherever you may be.

Does that mean stay? Not necessarily. I don't know how old you both are, but if you're fairly young it's probable that things will change: her feelings about where to live, your feelings about the city (which one?), perhaps even your relationship for better or worse. I think the ideal here may be that you take both careers to a third city you can both be happy in.
posted by kcm at 7:57 PM on December 19, 2005

Hmmm. Quite seriously, if you're feeling that way still; if it's still prominent in your mind, I'm not sure it's going to ever happen. Maybe get married and have babies and you'll be too busy to care any more. Or, rather, your priorities will have changed, and you'll be happy where you are.

(My background: From the NY Suburbs, and found Albany, Boston, even Paris lacking...)
posted by ParisParamus at 7:59 PM on December 19, 2005

Oh. Portland. Yeah, I wasn't crazy about it either when I interviewed, but perhaps Seattle or SF is close enough (i.e. she'd like to be close to family) and amenable to both.

I'll also suggest the crazy notion of living overseas for awhile for something completely different. Live life while you're presumably young and unemcumbered by children and mortgages. I think my moral here is not to get attached or repulsed by places, just people. :)
posted by kcm at 8:00 PM on December 19, 2005

pdm: do you might saying where your hometown was, so we can get an idea of the differences?
posted by reverendX at 8:03 PM on December 19, 2005

might=mind (sorry)
posted by reverendX at 8:03 PM on December 19, 2005

I've lived this one. I moved to a small midwestern town for graduate school in 1993 and I'm still here because of internships, then jobs, then family. I wasn't ambivilent about this place, I hated it for the first few years I lived here. Here's what I did that helped:

1 - I watched a lot of Northern Exposure. Fleishman's response to Cicily was a lot like my response to this town. I found the show therapeutic. I'm actually dead serious about that. It was helpful in the way that only good "art" can be.

2 - I found things to love that were location neutral. I started to read more, get more into music (both performing and listening), and focus on meaningful relationships. These brought great joy into my life regardless of geography.

3 - I dug into this town. I took my family to all of the goofy little tourist attractions, went camping, got into cross country skiing, and did all of the other things that there are to do here. This had the effect of making me appreciate how much there is to love about a place like this.

Now, 12 years later, if I had a perfect opportunity to leave tomorrow I would pass it up. This is my home and I'm happy to be here.

I guess in the end I second KCM: You will be at home wherever you decide to let your roots sink into the soil and grow.

Good luck.
posted by crapples at 8:13 PM on December 19, 2005

pdb, I'm guessing from your blog that you don't love Portland and would rather be in Seattle?
posted by mathowie at 8:35 PM on December 19, 2005

I had to leave Portland because the weather got me down. Verilux full spectrum light bulbs helped a bit though.
posted by Sara Anne at 8:37 PM on December 19, 2005

The more I think about this the more important it is to know why she is stuck on the place and why she seems to not want to consider other places. Also - what your feelings are to form these opinions on your previous and present locations.
posted by kcm at 8:37 PM on December 19, 2005

Time is the only thing that fix this problem.

I, too, am not particularly fond of the place I live now, but I realize I said the same thing about KS when I first moved there.
8 years later, I kind of miss KS, so I'm willing to give my current town a fair shot.

Not very concrete advice, I know, but give it the full five years, you may find yourself liking it more than you expect.
posted by madajb at 8:58 PM on December 19, 2005

Jeez, Matt, I think he was trying to keep the cities involved a secret!

You're doing "interesting and fun" things, but are they things that really involve you in the life of your adopted city? Maybe you could get involved in local politics, or volunteer in local schools, or join an auxiliary police or fire unit? Almost anything would do as long as you become a little more a part of the community.
posted by nicwolff at 9:00 PM on December 19, 2005

Seattle is indeed home, and she's stuck on it because it's still "small" enough - she's truly a small town girl (northern AZ) and Portland has enough city to keep her happy, but not enough to intimidate. She hates traffic, crime, and has all the usual concerns that people who aren't urban by upbringing have.

Any bigger city than this and she'd really struggle to adapt - which is why I've offered to stay here. I've lived in Seattle, Boston, and flirted heavily with Sydney for a while, and all of them don't have "it" - at least not to me. As places go, I've been to worse, and I'm hoping the roots that crapples talk about will grow.

We're both mid-30's, so ultimately, someday, we may in fact move elsewhere; I just don't see it happening without more persuasion than it may be worth - if she's happy here, I'm not going to rock her world just to move from a place that I like but don't love, because ultimately she's happier here.

This would be so much easier if I hated Portland, but I really don't...it's just not home. :-)
posted by pdb at 9:05 PM on December 19, 2005

I hate to be presumptive, but big cities that suck (i.e. PDX in your opinion and others') tend to be a lot less attractive than cities that don't (SF). If you're anti-SUV because you like sporty cars, then an Explorer ain't going to do it for you - but the sexy exhaust note of a Cayenne Turbo may, if you will.

I don't know how to fit that to your situation other than to perhaps travel with her to a lot of big cities, perhaps one will take for both of yinz you.
posted by kcm at 9:08 PM on December 19, 2005

I suggest a combination of crapples' #3 and keeping your desired city as a preferred vacation spot.
posted by PY at 9:48 PM on December 19, 2005

Why not find a nicer small city to move to? Like Berkely or something.
posted by delmoi at 10:05 PM on December 19, 2005

In a variation on madajb's "Time is the only thing that fix this problem," I find that the appeal from John Cage--

If something is boring after two minutes, try it for four. If still boring, try it for eight, sixteen, thirty-two, and so on. Eventually one discovers that it’s not boring at all but very interesting.

holds true in many contexts. Useful if you decide to stick it out where you are. The small details hold affection for things.
posted by drumcorpse at 10:28 PM on December 19, 2005

Remember, you could be living in Detroit.
posted by kindall at 12:19 AM on December 20, 2005

To start to love a city, you have to experience it in new ways. If you always drive around the city, start going on long, exploratory walks. If you feel trapped there, drive out to the hills/mountains/flats/sea/fields and spend some time there. Explore new neighbourhoods to find ones you prefer, and thus could move to. Try some different hobbies - you may love tennis but the city's tennis community might suck, whereas you could get into soccer and find that your city's soccer community is awesome.
posted by pollystark at 2:25 AM on December 20, 2005

It helps that the city you like is close enough to visit every month or two.
posted by matildaben at 8:36 AM on December 20, 2005

Remember, you could be living in Detroit.

Michigan: It's Cold, but is there anything else to say about it?

I love the Colbert Report.
posted by dagnyscott at 8:44 AM on December 20, 2005

i think what i've done is grow into the things that are available. where i live (santiago, at least when i'm not working) doesn't have so much of the things i always enjoyed, but does have some great food and wine. looking back, food and wine have become much more part of my life than before.

also, living with someone in a long-term relationship, in your own place, that you make together, insulates you from the city outside.

i'm starting to feel at home here after about three years, but from the start i knew this was permanent. i suspect that your plan of moving back out has slowed your integration (i'm sure it makes a difference - if only because you are more miserable earlier, with no hope of return, and so come to terms more quickly with the change), but perhaps not by that much. so in another year or so you might find that it "feels right"...

(in my case this is a new country/culture as well as a town, so i guess my view is not going to be identical to yours, but i guess the experiences are similar).
posted by andrew cooke at 10:15 AM on December 20, 2005