Did we break up, or not?
March 13, 2016 11:35 AM Subscribe
My ex and I broke up 4 weeks ago. He left our home and is currently living with his mother. He has called or texted me every single day since he left. At this point, I haven't gone no contact, and I'm not sure I think that's right for our situation. I honestly have no idea.
So we were together for almost three years, living together almost two years. We are both in our 40's and each divorced. To be honest, the relationship had been going really well, or so I thought. It was his choice to leave. But you probably need some back story....about 6 months ago, he decided to leave his profession of over 20 years. This is also my profession and is very high stress at times. I understood all of his reasons...he was tired of the constant stress and had lost his passion for it. We talked it over and both agreed it was time for him to get out. When he was young, his father was an electrician so he knows that lifestyle and enjoys working with his hands. So he got a job at a well known chain home improvement store. I have never seen him happier and no more stress!
Fast forward to now. In these phone calls and texts, I hear the old, "it's not you, it's me" and "I really need to know I can make it in life without depending on you". The latter comes from the fact that by quitting his profession and now working retail, he makes about 2/3 less than he was making before. Because of this, I became the primary breadwinner in our relationship. We discussed this and both stated that we were ok with this. But he clearly isn't ok with it.
So now I'm confused. He says he loves me, he just needs to work on himself. And this could be true. But we share a dog, and all of his stuff is still here at home (minus his clothes). I asked him yesterday if he had changed his mailing address and he has not. He cannot get the bigger things out yet, because he has nowhere to put them and he has little money in reserve to spend on a storage unit.
Like I said, we haven't gone no contact. Maybe this is stupid on my part, but honestly it's easier for me to talk to him than not. I did stop responding to him for three days, and it felt so much worse to me than communicating with him. I feel like a lovesick teenager when we are both old enough to know better. I'm not even sure what my question is...I guess am I being dumb for holding on? I feel like even though he left, we're not broken up. Neither of us will let go. And yes, we talk about it, but we both say we love each other. We have only seen each other once briefly when I dropped off his mail. By the way, I did start therapy and my therapist did not suggest no contact at this point, either. Where do I go from here?
So we were together for almost three years, living together almost two years. We are both in our 40's and each divorced. To be honest, the relationship had been going really well, or so I thought. It was his choice to leave. But you probably need some back story....about 6 months ago, he decided to leave his profession of over 20 years. This is also my profession and is very high stress at times. I understood all of his reasons...he was tired of the constant stress and had lost his passion for it. We talked it over and both agreed it was time for him to get out. When he was young, his father was an electrician so he knows that lifestyle and enjoys working with his hands. So he got a job at a well known chain home improvement store. I have never seen him happier and no more stress!
Fast forward to now. In these phone calls and texts, I hear the old, "it's not you, it's me" and "I really need to know I can make it in life without depending on you". The latter comes from the fact that by quitting his profession and now working retail, he makes about 2/3 less than he was making before. Because of this, I became the primary breadwinner in our relationship. We discussed this and both stated that we were ok with this. But he clearly isn't ok with it.
So now I'm confused. He says he loves me, he just needs to work on himself. And this could be true. But we share a dog, and all of his stuff is still here at home (minus his clothes). I asked him yesterday if he had changed his mailing address and he has not. He cannot get the bigger things out yet, because he has nowhere to put them and he has little money in reserve to spend on a storage unit.
Like I said, we haven't gone no contact. Maybe this is stupid on my part, but honestly it's easier for me to talk to him than not. I did stop responding to him for three days, and it felt so much worse to me than communicating with him. I feel like a lovesick teenager when we are both old enough to know better. I'm not even sure what my question is...I guess am I being dumb for holding on? I feel like even though he left, we're not broken up. Neither of us will let go. And yes, we talk about it, but we both say we love each other. We have only seen each other once briefly when I dropped off his mail. By the way, I did start therapy and my therapist did not suggest no contact at this point, either. Where do I go from here?
You don't have to do anything you don't want to. If you want to still have contact him, don't let internet strangers tell you otherwise. . You sound like you still care about him and he still cares about you. It's perfectly possible that you just need some time apart. It doesn't sound like you think he's messing with your or playing games - more like he's genuinely not sure what he wants. A lot of men tie their self worth to their income, and that seems to be playing into this. If you do find yourself interested in resuming the relationship, it sounds like couples counseling would be a good idea. But for now, don't base your feelings on some idea of what you "should" be thinking or feeling or acting like. Do what you want to do.
posted by FencingGal at 11:54 AM on March 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by FencingGal at 11:54 AM on March 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
I totally agree with the first comment above: you are not going to get the most awesome answers from strangers on the internet who know only what you wrote above.
But (!) - with best wishes for your happiness - if I were in your position I would think about doing these two things:
(a) ask myself what I want, limited to things that are within my control - how long am I comfortable being in current status, what things I could do to make current status better for me, whether there is a point at which I want to put the other person's stuff in a storage unit and pay for it for x months and tell them that after that it's their problem, etc.;
(b) ask the other person whether they are willing to commit to a time by which they will state clearly whether they want to come back - or whether instead they are hoping that I will remain "on call" indefinitely. (I personally would find the latter answer to be too selfish.)
posted by sheldman at 11:56 AM on March 13, 2016 [7 favorites]
But (!) - with best wishes for your happiness - if I were in your position I would think about doing these two things:
(a) ask myself what I want, limited to things that are within my control - how long am I comfortable being in current status, what things I could do to make current status better for me, whether there is a point at which I want to put the other person's stuff in a storage unit and pay for it for x months and tell them that after that it's their problem, etc.;
(b) ask the other person whether they are willing to commit to a time by which they will state clearly whether they want to come back - or whether instead they are hoping that I will remain "on call" indefinitely. (I personally would find the latter answer to be too selfish.)
posted by sheldman at 11:56 AM on March 13, 2016 [7 favorites]
So he quit his job and left his relationship? If he had money sounds like his next step would be a nice little sports car, what a classic midlife crisis. How likely do you think it is that he will decide he feels better being in a relationship with a lower-income and coincidentally much younger woman?
posted by the agents of KAOS at 12:00 PM on March 13, 2016 [16 favorites]
posted by the agents of KAOS at 12:00 PM on March 13, 2016 [16 favorites]
The reason most people recommend no-contact is so you can wean yourself off the low-high rollercoaster for long enough to clear your head and think straight and make decisions for yourself rather than for someone else. In this case, I think he actually needs that more than you do.
But if you're going to have contact, think really hard about at least not using each other for emotional support right now. I don't think it's fair for him to use you like that after upending your life to accommodate his breakdown, especially if you're letting him do all this to you because you think it's the only way to keep him. You can agree to speak three times a week or whatever, handle administrative issues, have short limited conversations about whether he's making any forward progress, but leave the angst for your own separate support systems. He has a vested interest in keeping you hanging and emotionally dependent on him while he decides if he still wants you.
You need some time and headspace to make your own decisions, you know? He may decide to come back, and that is not the same as you deciding he gets to. Moving out is a dealbreaker for a lot of people.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:04 PM on March 13, 2016 [26 favorites]
But if you're going to have contact, think really hard about at least not using each other for emotional support right now. I don't think it's fair for him to use you like that after upending your life to accommodate his breakdown, especially if you're letting him do all this to you because you think it's the only way to keep him. You can agree to speak three times a week or whatever, handle administrative issues, have short limited conversations about whether he's making any forward progress, but leave the angst for your own separate support systems. He has a vested interest in keeping you hanging and emotionally dependent on him while he decides if he still wants you.
You need some time and headspace to make your own decisions, you know? He may decide to come back, and that is not the same as you deciding he gets to. Moving out is a dealbreaker for a lot of people.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:04 PM on March 13, 2016 [26 favorites]
it's not you, it's me ... without depending on you ... he just needs to work on himself
The old adage is, when people tell you about themselves, believe them. He wants space, he gets space. Meanwhile, you have bigger fish to fry. You broke up. Time to move on. He could come back, sure. But you can neither predict that nor count on it. For now, go be awesome elsewhere without him.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:37 PM on March 13, 2016 [12 favorites]
The old adage is, when people tell you about themselves, believe them. He wants space, he gets space. Meanwhile, you have bigger fish to fry. You broke up. Time to move on. He could come back, sure. But you can neither predict that nor count on it. For now, go be awesome elsewhere without him.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:37 PM on March 13, 2016 [12 favorites]
In your shoes, I think I'd still have contact and be very open to anything that would address his reason for leaving (which doesn't sound like it necessarily needs to end the relationship). This might not be healthy, but I wouldn't be able to keep myself from hoping that the break temporary. On the other hand, if the ongoing connection and sense of limbo started to get too painful, if I found myself wanting to heal and move on, I'd let him know that, and I'd start preparing to go "no contact."
posted by salvia at 12:38 PM on March 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 12:38 PM on March 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
hey there, as someone who has had similar experience here are my thoughts and opinions: from what you describe it sounds like he is struggling with his sense of self and that is a very personal experience (obviously), HIS journey (but of which you are a part). Of course it is very hurtful when it appears that he doesnt want to be with you (as he isnt) but the truth and appearance are so very different when we cant be in anyone elses head. He says he loves you and its "him". Do you trust that based on his past actions/words? If you do then have faith in that. Much easier said than done. It is a tough thing to get your head around because well, you're hurting and confused, but in reality? Yes, he not there. For him to articulate this struggle may be very difficult as he is in it full on. If you believe him then what he needs is to come to terms with his life, his perceived success and failures (not yours, which as women we want to rush in to reassure but remember, it is his experience of himself he is struggling with, not your perception of him no matter what you might think of him, its what he thinks about himself). A solo trip. For you, within the pain and confusion, try be good to yourself and when you feel ready possibly explore things as an individual that comfort you, a meditation group, a musical instrument, something you have wanted to do but havent. It can be a time of growth for you both and as you ride the ups and downs in coming days, weeks and months listen to your heart for guidance.
posted by RelaxingOne at 12:39 PM on March 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by RelaxingOne at 12:39 PM on March 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry this has happened. It's plain you are both having a tough time.
The problem for you is that he's broken up with you, he's living at his mom's, plus you are doing adult things for him like dropping off his mail and storing his belongings... He's basically abdicated all responsibility in life and acting like a teenager. This looks like a breakdown from the stress of his old job. I get it.
What I don't get is why he thinks it is OK to hurt you as a byproduct of whatever he's going through? Especially since he's broken up with you already.
It's OK to have deep feelings and get upended after prolonged stress, it's not OK to walk out on your partner and leave them holding the bag! You're doing all the heavy emotional lifting and keeping the household together.
It's all understandable, except the way your wellbeing is being sacrificed. Part of being an adult is dealing with your own problems. Right now this guy's mommy and his (ex) girlfriend are shouldering 95% of his problems while he, what? Wallows?
If he doesn't seek help and stop making his issues everyone else's problem in short order (a few weeks to a month, maximum) you will need to act on your own behalf.
This guy is being really selfish. He's already broken up with you, so he shouldn't be leaning on you. Don't let his selfishness hurt you or drag you down!
I really understand what he's going through. I don't understand how he's squaring his current behavior towards you. He's kinda willfully not paying attention to how much he's using you. That's not cool. It's not partner behavior.
Personally, I could not go back to living with someone who handles their problems with such a gross lack of personal responsibility. YMMV. I think you deserve someone who can face their own pain or confusion AND consider their partner's wellbeing, too. Because that's what commitment means. Y'know?
He's already broken up with you. There is no commitment from him to you. I think you're being super nice and understanding. I know you're hoping this guy gets himself back together, but it doesn't look like he will. His behavior doesn't look good. It's OK for you to box up his possessions and put them in storage then send the key when you are ready. You can also write "moved" on his mail and leave it for the mailman to deal with when you're ready. I don't think this guy is going to do the right things. Eventually you'll probably have to. I'm sorry.
posted by jbenben at 12:39 PM on March 13, 2016 [21 favorites]
The problem for you is that he's broken up with you, he's living at his mom's, plus you are doing adult things for him like dropping off his mail and storing his belongings... He's basically abdicated all responsibility in life and acting like a teenager. This looks like a breakdown from the stress of his old job. I get it.
What I don't get is why he thinks it is OK to hurt you as a byproduct of whatever he's going through? Especially since he's broken up with you already.
It's OK to have deep feelings and get upended after prolonged stress, it's not OK to walk out on your partner and leave them holding the bag! You're doing all the heavy emotional lifting and keeping the household together.
It's all understandable, except the way your wellbeing is being sacrificed. Part of being an adult is dealing with your own problems. Right now this guy's mommy and his (ex) girlfriend are shouldering 95% of his problems while he, what? Wallows?
If he doesn't seek help and stop making his issues everyone else's problem in short order (a few weeks to a month, maximum) you will need to act on your own behalf.
This guy is being really selfish. He's already broken up with you, so he shouldn't be leaning on you. Don't let his selfishness hurt you or drag you down!
I really understand what he's going through. I don't understand how he's squaring his current behavior towards you. He's kinda willfully not paying attention to how much he's using you. That's not cool. It's not partner behavior.
Personally, I could not go back to living with someone who handles their problems with such a gross lack of personal responsibility. YMMV. I think you deserve someone who can face their own pain or confusion AND consider their partner's wellbeing, too. Because that's what commitment means. Y'know?
He's already broken up with you. There is no commitment from him to you. I think you're being super nice and understanding. I know you're hoping this guy gets himself back together, but it doesn't look like he will. His behavior doesn't look good. It's OK for you to box up his possessions and put them in storage then send the key when you are ready. You can also write "moved" on his mail and leave it for the mailman to deal with when you're ready. I don't think this guy is going to do the right things. Eventually you'll probably have to. I'm sorry.
posted by jbenben at 12:39 PM on March 13, 2016 [21 favorites]
In your shoes, I would remain in contact with him. It would be the wrong decision, but being emotionally entwined with someone would make me abandon my more logical side. I know how much easier it is in the short term to remain in contact. My intellectual side thinks that continuing to talk to him is the wrong decision.
He broke up with you. As far as I'm concerned he has no business asking you to support him in any way. He needs to get his stuff out of your house. His money situation is not your problem. His lack of a place to store his stuff isn't your problem. His emotional state isn't your problem. He gave up the relationship, it's not fair of him to ask you to shoulder all of the unpleasant aspects of your former relationship.
My suggestion is to talk to him once more and tell him that his things will be removed and donated on X date and that if he wants his things he needs to pick them up by Y date. Once his things are removed, it's time to cut off all contact. This will help you move on and find a more upstanding partner who won't just abandon you because he is going through a difficult time emotionally.
posted by parakeetdog at 12:52 PM on March 13, 2016 [6 favorites]
He broke up with you. As far as I'm concerned he has no business asking you to support him in any way. He needs to get his stuff out of your house. His money situation is not your problem. His lack of a place to store his stuff isn't your problem. His emotional state isn't your problem. He gave up the relationship, it's not fair of him to ask you to shoulder all of the unpleasant aspects of your former relationship.
My suggestion is to talk to him once more and tell him that his things will be removed and donated on X date and that if he wants his things he needs to pick them up by Y date. Once his things are removed, it's time to cut off all contact. This will help you move on and find a more upstanding partner who won't just abandon you because he is going through a difficult time emotionally.
posted by parakeetdog at 12:52 PM on March 13, 2016 [6 favorites]
I feel for you incredibly. I think you need to set a firm timeline for him to get his belongings. He broke up, his issues of managing those belongings are NOT your problem.
(If he doesn't get them by X time, donate!)
He's clearly having a midlife crisis. Let him work it out.
posted by heathrowga at 12:53 PM on March 13, 2016 [7 favorites]
(If he doesn't get them by X time, donate!)
He's clearly having a midlife crisis. Let him work it out.
posted by heathrowga at 12:53 PM on March 13, 2016 [7 favorites]
Best answer: OP, I want to caution you against giving someone who is abdicating all responsibility any sort of ultimatums or decisions to act on. He's already shown he might not follow through and this will just make you crazy and upset.
The person you set deadlines and boundaries for is yourself.
I think it's illegal to put in a change of address for someone else, but you can write moved on his mail and put a note on your box for the mailman when the time comes. Throwing out or donating someone else's belongings is also illegal, but you can respectfully box everything up and put it in storage for the guy. First month is free, mail him the key and the contract. (Don't put the contract in your name if possible. I think this is possible.)
You don't have to do this tomorrow. But when you're ready. And he might do the decent thing and change his mailing address and get his possessions on his own! You never know!
You also might think about no longer acting as his therapist or counselor or whatever it is he's getting from his phone calls with you. When you're ready.
The best part? You can do each one of these things without asking his permission or securing his agreement.
That last part in bold is why I popped back in to comment. I just want you to know you have more power than it might seem to you right now. At any moment, you can cease participating in this situation and move on. Don't forget that while you're being nice and supportive.
posted by jbenben at 1:08 PM on March 13, 2016 [14 favorites]
The person you set deadlines and boundaries for is yourself.
I think it's illegal to put in a change of address for someone else, but you can write moved on his mail and put a note on your box for the mailman when the time comes. Throwing out or donating someone else's belongings is also illegal, but you can respectfully box everything up and put it in storage for the guy. First month is free, mail him the key and the contract. (Don't put the contract in your name if possible. I think this is possible.)
You don't have to do this tomorrow. But when you're ready. And he might do the decent thing and change his mailing address and get his possessions on his own! You never know!
You also might think about no longer acting as his therapist or counselor or whatever it is he's getting from his phone calls with you. When you're ready.
The best part? You can do each one of these things without asking his permission or securing his agreement.
That last part in bold is why I popped back in to comment. I just want you to know you have more power than it might seem to you right now. At any moment, you can cease participating in this situation and move on. Don't forget that while you're being nice and supportive.
posted by jbenben at 1:08 PM on March 13, 2016 [14 favorites]
You might find this Modern Love essay useful. It's about someone who believed her husband was just going through a mid-life crisis and decided not to foment any permanent and irrevocable changes. She let him have his rumspringa.
posted by carmicha at 1:11 PM on March 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by carmicha at 1:11 PM on March 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I think I would do nothing.
Sure, solve any irritating logistical things that need solving, but just let a little more time unravel.
I think in 2-3 more weeks, things will look a little more clear and you will know the direction you want to go. I think a few small things will happen soon that will help you understand his intentions and your own wishes.
This is still pretty fresh. It's limbo for now. You need more time to pass.
It could go any direction.
But, at some point soon-ish, you'll need to stop waiting for things to happen, decide what you want to happen, and do that.
posted by littlewater at 1:23 PM on March 13, 2016 [9 favorites]
Sure, solve any irritating logistical things that need solving, but just let a little more time unravel.
I think in 2-3 more weeks, things will look a little more clear and you will know the direction you want to go. I think a few small things will happen soon that will help you understand his intentions and your own wishes.
This is still pretty fresh. It's limbo for now. You need more time to pass.
It could go any direction.
But, at some point soon-ish, you'll need to stop waiting for things to happen, decide what you want to happen, and do that.
posted by littlewater at 1:23 PM on March 13, 2016 [9 favorites]
Best answer: If he says you broke up and he moved out, you broke up. Why he did is really his to deal with. What he's doing now is having his cake and eating it too.
Can you afford the place that you're in right now on your own? If not, plan your move. Don't depend on him, 'coming to his senses'. Treat this as the move that it is. You're keeping his options open right now by staying put, paying rent and keeping his shit nice and safe at your expense. Don't do that.
Here's what I'd do, if I were in your shoes.
1. Tell him he needs to forward his mail to his new address.
2. Tell him that since you're planning to move to a smaller place that you can afford on your own, that he needs to come get his shit, sooner rather than later.
3. Find a place of your own. Make sure it's good for your dog.
4. Move.
5. Talk to him only twice a week, weaning it to once per week, then to none.
6. Arrange to meet with him to discuss the end-game here. Basically, "We've broken up, now I need to move on with my life. I need to know when you're getting your stuff, and what we should do about Fido.
For right now, you need to be in touch, but don't let this yutz yank you around.
1. Keep your conversations to practical matters. If he tries to discuss the relationship say, "You made your decision, you've moved out. I respect that. Please respect my grieving process and let's keep our conversations to practicalities."
2. Start separating the pots and pans of your relationship. It's a good exercise. Start thinking about what you want to keep, what's his outright, what was purchased together and can be up for grabs.
3. Get in a good head space. Are you so adrift without him that you'll wait around for HIM to make the decision? At what point will you exercise your agency and decide for yourself?
This guy has now shown you that when the going gets tough, he bails, with a plan that includes YOU taking care of his shit, and runs back to Mama. That is not the kind of guy I'd want to be with. What if you had a health problem, or if you needed him to support you for awhile? Could you trust him after this?
Obviously you need time to process this. In the meantime, stage everything for your ultimate disentanglement.
I think that after the shock has worn off that you'll realize that you've dodge a bullet here. You're just not there yet.
Good Luck to you!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:34 PM on March 13, 2016 [12 favorites]
Can you afford the place that you're in right now on your own? If not, plan your move. Don't depend on him, 'coming to his senses'. Treat this as the move that it is. You're keeping his options open right now by staying put, paying rent and keeping his shit nice and safe at your expense. Don't do that.
Here's what I'd do, if I were in your shoes.
1. Tell him he needs to forward his mail to his new address.
2. Tell him that since you're planning to move to a smaller place that you can afford on your own, that he needs to come get his shit, sooner rather than later.
3. Find a place of your own. Make sure it's good for your dog.
4. Move.
5. Talk to him only twice a week, weaning it to once per week, then to none.
6. Arrange to meet with him to discuss the end-game here. Basically, "We've broken up, now I need to move on with my life. I need to know when you're getting your stuff, and what we should do about Fido.
For right now, you need to be in touch, but don't let this yutz yank you around.
1. Keep your conversations to practical matters. If he tries to discuss the relationship say, "You made your decision, you've moved out. I respect that. Please respect my grieving process and let's keep our conversations to practicalities."
2. Start separating the pots and pans of your relationship. It's a good exercise. Start thinking about what you want to keep, what's his outright, what was purchased together and can be up for grabs.
3. Get in a good head space. Are you so adrift without him that you'll wait around for HIM to make the decision? At what point will you exercise your agency and decide for yourself?
This guy has now shown you that when the going gets tough, he bails, with a plan that includes YOU taking care of his shit, and runs back to Mama. That is not the kind of guy I'd want to be with. What if you had a health problem, or if you needed him to support you for awhile? Could you trust him after this?
Obviously you need time to process this. In the meantime, stage everything for your ultimate disentanglement.
I think that after the shock has worn off that you'll realize that you've dodge a bullet here. You're just not there yet.
Good Luck to you!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:34 PM on March 13, 2016 [12 favorites]
Oh yeah, that 'I love you" shit. He may love you, but he's not your partner any more. He doesn't want you to be his partner. He has some shit to work out and rather than turn to his partner and ask for your help, he moved out and broke up. He. Broke. Up.
Please, for the love of Christ, let him feel the damn break up!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:36 PM on March 13, 2016 [11 favorites]
Please, for the love of Christ, let him feel the damn break up!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:36 PM on March 13, 2016 [11 favorites]
He broke up with you and moved out, so I'd say you're broken up. And I think the healthy thing to do here is to take a firm line with him on his enjoying any of the privileges and benefits of being your boyfriend given that he's decided to abdicate from being your boyfriend. This means he has to remove his stuff from what is now your apartment and to change his mailing address ASAP, and that you and he should decide which of you gets custody of the dog. Also, you don't have to go no contact, but you both have to behave in a way that's appropriate for two casual friends -- no physical or verbal demonstrations of love. Neither of you should be looking to the other for any significant amount of emotional support any more. If the two of you can't do that, then it might be time to take a break from each other until you can.
A clean break is best, so start working towards a state of separation. You can remain open to getting back together later if you wish, but for the time being, you're single and he's single and you need to enforce those boundaries. These betwixt and between interim states do nothing but prolong the agony and make it easy for the dumper to take unfair advantage of the dumpee.
posted by orange swan at 1:38 PM on March 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
A clean break is best, so start working towards a state of separation. You can remain open to getting back together later if you wish, but for the time being, you're single and he's single and you need to enforce those boundaries. These betwixt and between interim states do nothing but prolong the agony and make it easy for the dumper to take unfair advantage of the dumpee.
posted by orange swan at 1:38 PM on March 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
Text him. Tell him he wanted to know if he could make it in life without depending on you, so it starts now - pick up his damn boxes, change his mailing address and stop calling you. He's still relying on you and quite frankly, it's sad. Cut him off and move on. It will hurt but dragging it out will hurt more. I speak from experience and bet everyone else here does too, learn from our mistakes. Oh, and whatever you do about the dog, whoever keeps it, make it a clean break. None of this visiting rights stuff, it just prolongs contact and misery. And if he loses the dog, oh well, that's the price you pay.
posted by Jubey at 3:46 PM on March 13, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 3:46 PM on March 13, 2016 [7 favorites]
Just a data point. My partner broke up with me about 8 months ago. And moved out. He needed to get a grip on some stuff in his life, and, actually I need to in mine as well. We have been together for 10 years. We still talk almost every day, tell each other I love you, and pretty much have a better relationship than we had in the last couple of years. We have been great supports to each other, but haven't had the 'talk' about getting back together or splitting up. I know many people need a defined parameter, but, honestly, this is working out pretty well for us. Yes, it's in limbo, but we both needed personal time or else everything would have imploded anyways. It's worked out really well for us. But what matters is that we are both comfortable with living in the unknown here, without a need for definition. I think that is key.
posted by Vaike at 5:09 PM on March 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Vaike at 5:09 PM on March 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you, everyone, for your advice. And thank you for being kind when I'm feeling a bit like a dimwit! I'm going to continue working on myself and start a timetable of when things should be done. If there is no movement on his part...getting his things, changing his address, then that's something I'll take care of, as hard as it may be. I think I realize deep down where this is heading, and I just needed some sense knocked into me. Thanks.
posted by fresh-rn at 7:40 PM on March 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by fresh-rn at 7:40 PM on March 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Your therapist didn't mention going no-contact -- but that doesn't mean it's not a good idea. Many good therapists avoid telling a client what to do, but will discuss whatever solutions the client is leaning toward.
posted by wryly at 7:59 PM on March 13, 2016
posted by wryly at 7:59 PM on March 13, 2016
Instead of going No Contact, which is horribly difficult and maybe not even necessary, how about going Less Contact? Try not to contact him "just for a chat", call a friend instead, wait a bit longer before replying to him, that sort of thing. Loosen the connection but don't cut the ropes.
posted by intensitymultiply at 6:09 AM on March 15, 2016
posted by intensitymultiply at 6:09 AM on March 15, 2016
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posted by 8603 at 11:42 AM on March 13, 2016