Best ways to support someone quitting smoking (and what not to do)
March 9, 2016 4:25 AM   Subscribe

You are someone who has successfully quit smoking for good after many failed attempts. What did your loved ones do that really helped you? What did people do that was really annoying and no help at all?

My lovely partner is yet again struggling to try and give up smoking. He has tried this numerous times but, whether it's week or months, he always ends up falling off the waggon when life gets stressful (and life always has the potential to throw up stressors).

This time he has the incentive of a baby on the way, so he really does want to quit, which I know is the first step. He has nicotine patches and is trying to do lots of exercise to keep the endorphins going, but he's woken up today in a really grouchy mood (which I recognise from all the other times he has tried to quit) - anything I say and anything I do is annoying. I really want to be supportive. What should I do, and what should I avoid doing? (I've never smoked and have never been addicted to anything except the internet).

Thank you from me, him and our future baby!
posted by Dorothea_in_Rome to Human Relations (18 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
Have some healthy snacks around for him to enjoy when he gets stressed?
posted by heathrowga at 4:32 AM on March 9, 2016 [1 favorite]


Former smoker here (quit in 2014). The single one thing that helped me to quit (was integral to me quitting, in fact) was reading Allen Carr's "The Easyway to Quit Smoking." It's a very short book, very straightforward and no-nonsense. My husband and I both read it and quit immediately without any problems. No nicotine replacement therapy, no withdrawal symptoms. I went from smoking a pack a day, for 20 years, to nothing. And I feel incredible. Gained about 10 pounds initially but now I'm back to my pre-quitting weight.

It isn't a book I'd recommend for someone who isn't already interested in quitting. If he wants to quit, you're over the largest hurdle. :) Seriously though: this book changed my life and my husband's life. And he has nothing to lose by reading it.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 5:03 AM on March 9, 2016 [9 favorites]


If my partner would have tried to help, that would've made it worse for some reason, it would've upped the pressure and pressure means - smoking...YMMV.

The Carr book didn't help me either. What did help is cutting out smoking triggers (in my case, drinking - even just one beer -, but this is really different from person to person. Could be coffee, could be car rides...). In my case it would've been helpful to have a partner who offers alternatives to the drinking/smoking combo in the evenings, such as an evening walk, cooking/baking/crafting together...

Also - surprisingly -, what helped was admitting to myself that smoking had benefits for me, mainly it calmed me down, and grieving the loss of these benefits. That's not something you can really help with, but I think it does help to understand that for smokers, cigarettes aren't just smelly toxic sticks but genuinely helpful. I'll never go back to smoking (stopped 10 years ago and have 2 kids now) but I still miss it and that's OK.
posted by The Toad at 5:15 AM on March 9, 2016 [4 favorites]


I quit smoking 8 years ago, started again 6 years later, and then quit again this January and have stayed off them. Here is my advice based only on my own experiences:

I started again because I was going through a really stressful period in my life and basically just reverted to old (unhealthy) coping mechanisms. So he needs to put in place something which he can turn to when he is stressed (like when the baby comes - congratulations by the way!) If someone has a crutch and you take the crutch away then obviously they'll be unbalanced. Make sure there's something else to support him whether that's a hobby or meditation or whatever works for him.

Breaking the habit is partly to do with managing triggers. So he should list the times he would normally have a smoke and then deliberately change-up his routine. Example - if he used to sit at the kitchen table and have a coffee and a cigarette first thing in the morning he needs to find a different place in the house to sit and read the paper/do something different instead of having a smoke. If he normally came in from work and had one before starting the evening routine he needs to have something lined up to day straight away when he gets home, like maybe have his trainers at the front door to change into and go for a short walk. Basically he needs to try and develop new triggers - walking in the front door signifies a walk around the block rather than a smoke, that kind of thing.

What I found useful was finding a list of benefits accrued after X time since quitting - after 1 day this is the benefit to your health, after one week, after one month, etc. I checked it every day for the first few weeks so I could see what I'd gained so far which helped me not want to undo all the good work.

I pretty much told my partner "I am going to be a grumpy witch for a period of time - deal with it" and Gawd bless him he did. (He accidentally broke a glass one night and oh my word, the rage.) I didn't like feeling irritable as I'm fairly mellow, but without my go-to stress reliever I found it hard to manage at first and I needed to know that I wasn't going to have to add crushing guilt to the feelings I was coping with, so he pretty much let my grumpiness wash over him for which I was hugely grateful. I'm not condoning actual abusiveness, obviously, but being able to ignore his grumpiness without "helping" it might be a big relief to him. And if it helps, that period only lasted a fortnight at most.

Finally, lost of praise. I find that when you're smoking lots of people will get on your case about it, but when you quit people barely register it which can feel deflating. So a good amount of "Wow you're doing so well! It's been X days - you've really got this!" can go a long way to strengthening resolve. Good luck to both of you!
posted by billiebee at 6:05 AM on March 9, 2016


Back in the day, a couple I hung out with socially knew I was trying (and struggling) to quit smoking. I know they were really happy I was quitting and were supportive, BUT...sometimes I'd backslide. Every time I lit up around them, they'd pull these elaborate sad faces and say something like, "Awwwww, you're at it again?"

I was humiliated. I'm sure they meant well but it was utterly demoralizing and somewhat uncalled for considering I was a grown adult engaging in a perfectly legal (if not unhealthy) habit. I was so embarrassed that I'd actually avoid making plans if I thought there was any chance I'd be smoking around them because I didn't want to be chastised like a four-year old.

I'm happy to say I'm a confirmed ex-smoker now but their behavior sure didn't help get me here. What I would have given for someone to counteract their shit in the moment with a hearty, "Hey! You made it four days and that something because quitting is hard as hell. You got this!"

By the way, I'm not suggesting at all that you'd act the way my friends did. I'm throwing it out there in case you notice someone else pulling that crap if they "catch" your husband smoking.
posted by _Mona_ at 7:04 AM on March 9, 2016 [1 favorite]


So a good amount of "Wow you're doing so well! It's been X days - you've really got this!" can go a long way to strengthening resolve.

I'm exactly opposite, and find all cheerleading to be irritating. When I quit smoking 4 years ago, a big part of my success was not telling anyone about it at all. I didn't say anything until it had been 3 or 4 days, then i also made it clear that I didn't want to talk about it or hear about it ever.

I had success with the Alan Carr book. Thanks to that book, I have zero interest in smoking ever again.
posted by yesster at 7:13 AM on March 9, 2016 [3 favorites]


Nthing the Allan Carr book. Seriously, read it once, went from 15 a day to zero and no withdrawal symptoms.
I had tried everything else, nicotine gum, patches, you name it.
Now, my partner has quit smoking and he just couldn't read the book, he's not a big reader and he had no desire to give it a go.

Instead, he moved to E-Cigarettes which have been amazing for him.

Yes, he still gets Nicotine, but trust me - it's a million percent better than smoking - I don't care what the negative studies say.

As for your question - what can you do to help? I'm afraid it doesn't really matter what you do, it has to come from your partner, it has to come from him.

Try the Allan Carr book or start thinking about E-Cigarettes. You guys can do this!
posted by JenThePro at 7:24 AM on March 9, 2016 [2 favorites]


Also - surprisingly -, what helped was admitting to myself that smoking had benefits for me, mainly it calmed me down, and grieving the loss of these benefits.

This was my experience too. I was probably using nicotine to self-medicate for ADD, honestly. But I have several writer friends who don't have ADD, and who say they were better writers when they smoked. And they say this after years away from it; it's not just an illusion due to cravings and withdrawals. Nicotine can really help your brain to focus. That's in addition, of course, to the less positive aspects of being addicted. It's a really big thing to give up. Recognizing this is helpful, better at any rate than telling yourself you're just being stupid for smoking.

I think with the baby on the way (congratulations!) you both might have to settle for fallbacks. The nicotine patch might not be the best; it may be nicotine gum or e-cigs or a prescription medicine.
posted by BibiRose at 7:46 AM on March 9, 2016


Honestly: any attempts to support or cheer me on at all registered as irritating pressure and too much attention and stress and LEAVE ME ALONE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND AGHH I WANT TO EAT A MOUNTAIN AND PUNCH THE MOON. I did best when my partner kept a wide berth and let me do my thing (sorry, that's awful, but withdrawal absolutely sucked for me.)

When I wanted praise or support I would bring it up, and I really appreciated what he was able to give me in those cases where I brought it up first, but if he had brought it up first I would have hated that.

I am also the type of person who hates extra attention when I'm sick. Does that sound like your partner? If so, it might feel counterintuitive, but there is nothing you can do but let it happen, or not happen. He's an adult, he knows smoking is bad, he knows how to quit but every cell of his being is fighting this.

Bribing myself with a simple envelope into which I'd put the cash I'd normally spend on smokes worked surprisingly well to get me through some of the weeks and months when the desire to backslide was strong. I liked counting the cash and watching it grow and planning what I would do with it.

And take care of yourself! It's no fun to love an addict and a grouch. You have a baby on the way and it's okay for you to detach from this issue and abdicate responsibility for it if it's stressing you out.
posted by kapers at 8:07 AM on March 9, 2016


The Carr book helped me quit too...although it took about 5 months after reading it for me to actually try quitting. But I did without any nicotine patches or gum. It was truly the hardest thing I have ever done, but that Carr book put the withdrawal symptoms and other discomforts in true perspective. I also went to Nicotine Anonymous meetings and started treating the smoking addiction as the addiction it was, not just a bad habit.

My partner helped me by being there to listen and to help as I requested. He also never nagged me to stop, which was the best thing he ever(didn't) do.
posted by murrey at 8:42 AM on March 9, 2016 [1 favorite]


I read this and quit cold turkey. I don't know if what he says about nicotine withdrawal is true, but I believed it and it worked on me. I used tea tree oil toothpicks as replacement for when I would normally smoke and that helped a lot. I also stayed away from people as much as possible in the first 3 days (when, according to that article, I was going through the physical nicotine withdrawal). I was so angry I would've punched a baby. Any encouragement or happy cheerleading would have enraged me.
posted by Mavri at 9:38 AM on March 9, 2016 [1 favorite]


Very simple:
- Lots of praise.
- No advice.
- No criticism.
posted by mono blanco at 11:06 AM on March 9, 2016


Seriously suggest trying e-cigs. It might not be what he wants long term, but as a way to wean yourself off real cigarettes it's helpful. I've used it to cut down a lot, though not quit entirely, and I know a lot of people who've switched over completely. For a lot of people it's the experience of smoking more than the nicotine that's really hard to give up, and e-cigs do a good job of replacing it. You can also calibrate the amount of nicotine you're getting, even down to just vapour with no nicotine at all.
posted by BlueNorther at 11:32 AM on March 9, 2016


I know two people who say that a "quit meter" helped them. They both used Silk Quit, which came out in the 90s and is still available. It sets up a little box on your desktop that constantly keeps track of how long it's been since you quit, how many cigarettes you haven't smoked, how much money you haven't spent on cigarettes. Both friends said that sometime the only thing that stopped them from smoking was that they REALLY didn't want to set that meter to zero.

Of course now there are many computer and mobile apps that do exactly the same thing. Maybe your partner would like such a program.
posted by wryly at 1:52 PM on March 9, 2016


The primary thing my husband did for me was not say a damn thing, and be willing to accommodate whatever changes I needed to avoid triggers for a while.

I quit with e-cigs, starting with ones from the convenience store, and he'd put pants on and go out any hour day or night if I ran out and it was a crisis. I had well recognized by the point I quit that I smoked to self-medicate anxiety (I mean, I also looooved smoking, but anxiety about having anxiety if I didn't have any nicotine was my boogeyman) so he did whatever needed to be done. That was great, that was what I needed, along with patience and forbearance when I had an anxiety flameout or cranky pants. My fuse was short, though 90% of the time it was under control. I just had some bad moments and more than usual low-level grizzle mostly because it fucked up my sleep for a few weeks.

I have zero tolerance for insincerity and do not like a fuss made over me, so any sort of bullshit cheerleading crap would have garnered a punch in the face. Hovering over me with "healthy snacks" would probably require surgical removal of same. My appetite did not change though I did kind of go off some strongly-scented foods I normally ate for a little while, a few weeks in when my sense of taste and smell started really changing and I had to reacclimate. (It still pummeled my metabolism to quit, but that was a permanent removal of the accelerant not a "quitting smoking makes you eat more" thing.) I also did not and still do not want to know how long it's been.

Honestly, just do whatever that person wants you to do. Some people need a lot of petting and babying for things like this, and some people don't, and doing the thing they don't want is the most irritating thing. Even my advice to be patient and chill might not work for your partner if their personality and the relationship dynamic is such that they want a taskmaster or drill instructor. Do whatever he wants you to, ask instead of making assumptions, that's the safe bet.

It certainly would have been well within my husband's purview to observe how much better his entire life smelled, and he's never said a word. Even years later, he's never said a word about how shitty my smoking was, and I'm really appreciative of that.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:18 PM on March 9, 2016


A replacement habit seems super useful to most people. Toothpicks, gum, e-cig, chewing on straws, whatever.

Not hearing any BS about it eg, guilt trips, talking about how I'm quitting, asking how I'm doing quitting, encouragement, jokes about it, very helpful as well.
posted by shownomercy at 6:26 PM on March 9, 2016


Very simple:
- Lots of praise.
- No advice.
- No criticism.


That, but also: are any friends/family of his also smokers? I had a much easier time when a bunch of my friends all moved at once and the number of people around to share a cigarette with dropped to zero. It may not be an option to deport them all, but in my experience people are usually willing to respect it if you ask "please hide your smoking from me because I'm trying to quit."
posted by iffthen at 12:07 AM on March 10, 2016


I forbade anyone from mentioning it, asking about it, praising me, cheering me on, etc. If I hadn't been thinking about it at a given time when they asked, then I suddenly was thinking about it and would have to deal with that.
posted by Stewriffic at 9:33 AM on March 12, 2016


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