Gift for foster parents?
March 8, 2016 8:49 AM Subscribe
A client just brought home a newborn foster baby. Is it appropriate to send a gift?
The client brought it up when I sent her a follow-up on a project. She is super-excited and thrilled and taking some personal leave to be at home with the baby. We are not personally close, but worked together fairly extensively for a significant project, and like each other.
If she'd just given birth, I'd definitely send a gift of baby clothes and maybe a toy. If she'd just finalized an adoption, I'd definitely send a gift keyed to the age of the kid being adopted. However, I understand that fostering is not always in anticipation of adoption/the kid may not be with the foster family long-term, so I don't want to presume anything, especially if it'll cause heartache.
Should I just say to the client something like, "If it would be appropriate, I'd love to send a gift"?????? But I don't want to ask if it's generally understood to be either OK or not OK?????????
If it matters, everyone is in the East Coast megalopolis in the US, and the client and I are both white collar professional ladies.
The client brought it up when I sent her a follow-up on a project. She is super-excited and thrilled and taking some personal leave to be at home with the baby. We are not personally close, but worked together fairly extensively for a significant project, and like each other.
If she'd just given birth, I'd definitely send a gift of baby clothes and maybe a toy. If she'd just finalized an adoption, I'd definitely send a gift keyed to the age of the kid being adopted. However, I understand that fostering is not always in anticipation of adoption/the kid may not be with the foster family long-term, so I don't want to presume anything, especially if it'll cause heartache.
Should I just say to the client something like, "If it would be appropriate, I'd love to send a gift"?????? But I don't want to ask if it's generally understood to be either OK or not OK?????????
If it matters, everyone is in the East Coast megalopolis in the US, and the client and I are both white collar professional ladies.
Best answer: I think your comment that she is super-excited and thrilled is a good indicator that it's fine for you to send a gift. She'd probably appreciate it! You don't need to worry about what the future holds for their relationship; right now she's taken home a newborn and is thrilled about it. Go ahead and send the gift!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 8:53 AM on March 8, 2016 [20 favorites]
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 8:53 AM on March 8, 2016 [20 favorites]
She's excited, she has a baby to take care of for however long, I have hard time seeing a scenario in which someone sharing in her happiness and acknowledging it with a gift would backfire. Babies need stuff! Very kind of you!
(If you still feel weird, you can send stuff that will definitely get used up quickly - like one of those wacky bunch-o-diapers gifts)
posted by oneaday at 8:55 AM on March 8, 2016 [8 favorites]
(If you still feel weird, you can send stuff that will definitely get used up quickly - like one of those wacky bunch-o-diapers gifts)
posted by oneaday at 8:55 AM on March 8, 2016 [8 favorites]
You could send congratulatory flowers / card instead of baby stuff if that's the part that's making you uncomfortable ("congratulations on your first foster!" vs "congratulations on this child"), but I think any gift would be just fine here.
posted by rawralphadawg at 8:57 AM on March 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by rawralphadawg at 8:57 AM on March 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
I work at an agency that facilitates foster care (among other social welfare things). It's hard to know what she'll need, or even how long she'll have this kid, but a bouquet of flowers is a perfect thing to send if you can get them sent to her home.
posted by juniperesque at 9:03 AM on March 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by juniperesque at 9:03 AM on March 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
I would send maybe a gift of consumable goodies, so that in any direction this takes, the gift will be used. Think baby wipes, receiving blankets of the sort you find at Target, cloth diapers (small Gerber brand) are perfect for cleanup after feeding and dealing with spit/reflux, etc.
posted by CrazyLemonade at 9:04 AM on March 8, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by CrazyLemonade at 9:04 AM on March 8, 2016 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I agree with sending a gift that will be used or can go with the baby if it is placed/adopted elsewhere. Regardless if this is a long term or short term placement, foster parents will spend all kinds of money on supplies, and the baby will need clothing/blankets as he/she grows. So anything consumable would be good. A small stuffed animal or blanket to act as a "lovey" would be fine as well. If all else fails, a gift card to Target or similar store will allow her to purchase what she needs whenever she needs it.
posted by MultiFaceted at 9:10 AM on March 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by MultiFaceted at 9:10 AM on March 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
Is the gift for her or for the baby? Even if they foster for only a short period of time, if you give clothes or a toy, that gift can go with the baby. If the gift is for her, flowers or something that recognizes both the exciting nature and the situation in general such as the previously mentioned flowers works. Can also send a meal for the family.
posted by AugustWest at 9:11 AM on March 8, 2016
posted by AugustWest at 9:11 AM on March 8, 2016
Erring on the side of yes when gifting just makes you generous and will almost never make you rude. I think that your gift idea sounds good, because a new child to love is a new child to love, but to be extra careful give a gift of something consumable.
If you are aware of their food preferences, the Midnight Feeding Care New Baby Box from Zingerman's was a resounding success last new baby my friends had. Flowers might be annoying in that they are another thing to care for, so maybe a potted plant might be more appreciated, but I still think flowers are lovely. And yes, babies create enormous demand for cloth things to wipe up all the various substances that come out of them, and a stack of those would not go amiss.
posted by Mizu at 9:11 AM on March 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
If you are aware of their food preferences, the Midnight Feeding Care New Baby Box from Zingerman's was a resounding success last new baby my friends had. Flowers might be annoying in that they are another thing to care for, so maybe a potted plant might be more appreciated, but I still think flowers are lovely. And yes, babies create enormous demand for cloth things to wipe up all the various substances that come out of them, and a stack of those would not go amiss.
posted by Mizu at 9:11 AM on March 8, 2016 [2 favorites]
Yes!
Meals. Always provide meals for new parents (foster, adoptive, biological, etc.)
I hear that one-handed food is good because then parent can eat when baby eats. I usually send a meal that can be frozen (homemade burritos) and muffins.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 9:28 AM on March 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
Meals. Always provide meals for new parents (foster, adoptive, biological, etc.)
I hear that one-handed food is good because then parent can eat when baby eats. I usually send a meal that can be frozen (homemade burritos) and muffins.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 9:28 AM on March 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I would send a gift--Aden + Anais swaddle blankets. Perfect for a newborn, can go with baby as it grows or stay with foster mom for future babies.
posted by studioaudience at 9:33 AM on March 8, 2016
posted by studioaudience at 9:33 AM on March 8, 2016
I agree that you can never go wrong with a gift! I would avoid more sentimental-type gifts that one might give in the case of a birth/adoption (i.e. something like a cute picture frame or a blanket embroidered with the baby's name), and I would also avoid gifts that are meant "for the future" -- for example, I often give 1-year-old size clothes because I know people get a LOT of newborn clothes and not as many bigger sizes, so they'll be able to pull it out in the future -- I would avoid that here. Meals or a gift certificate for delivery would be awesome, as would items like diapers or burp clothes.
posted by rainbowbrite at 9:40 AM on March 8, 2016
posted by rainbowbrite at 9:40 AM on March 8, 2016
Best answer: Foster parent here, of kids from ages 0-9, with placements from 3 days to 5 months (so far.) For our first placement, our neighbor gave our 5-year-old foster daughter a stuffed animal that became her favorite sleeping companion. It was well-appreciated by her and by us, and she took it with her when it was time for her to move on. For our most recent placement (just a couple of weeks ago), a different neighbor gave us some diapers and a hoodie for our 2-year-old foster son. That was well-appreciated too.
I agree with rainbowbrite that personalized stuff might be difficult or impractical, but anything that the baby can use or that will help mom and dad is great.
posted by AgentRocket at 10:08 AM on March 8, 2016 [5 favorites]
I agree with rainbowbrite that personalized stuff might be difficult or impractical, but anything that the baby can use or that will help mom and dad is great.
posted by AgentRocket at 10:08 AM on March 8, 2016 [5 favorites]
Best answer: One more small point, in response to your note that "fostering is not always in anticipation of adoption/the kid may not be with the foster family long-term, so I don't want to presume anything, especially if it'll cause heartache": we are one of those families, sort of by design. We see ourselves as filling a niche, where we can be ready to take kids when there is an immediate need and can help to provide some safety and stability and comfort and routine for them. And then we can be ready to transition them to a longer-term placement - whether that is a pre-adoptive home or a relative's home or back to mom and dad - when the time is right.
It surely does cause some heartache to say goodbye to them, but foster parents know and understand that's part of the process. And so when the kids are with us, even when it is for only a week, they are our kids and we love them like that. So (at least for us), our friends and family celebrating and helping our foster kids is very much a welcome thing.
posted by AgentRocket at 10:19 AM on March 8, 2016 [16 favorites]
It surely does cause some heartache to say goodbye to them, but foster parents know and understand that's part of the process. And so when the kids are with us, even when it is for only a week, they are our kids and we love them like that. So (at least for us), our friends and family celebrating and helping our foster kids is very much a welcome thing.
posted by AgentRocket at 10:19 AM on March 8, 2016 [16 favorites]
I would send a gift keyed to her new adventure as a foster parent, rather than a gift for the baby. So something like a bottle warmer or wipes warmer or a mobile, rather than a onesie. A gift like a Magic Lamp works well for a room for a child from 0 to around 9, even.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:35 AM on March 8, 2016
posted by DarlingBri at 11:35 AM on March 8, 2016
Response by poster: Since I didn't know what equipment the foster mom already had, I ended up going to a local baby store for a few 0-3 month clothing items, some Aden+Anais washcloths (since they didn't have the swaddle cloths), and a small toy for newborns -- and when I asked asked the client for the best address to send things to, she was delighted at the idea of a present.
Thanks for all the great advice and insight, especially from AgentRocket!
posted by joyceanmachine at 1:39 PM on March 8, 2016 [6 favorites]
Thanks for all the great advice and insight, especially from AgentRocket!
posted by joyceanmachine at 1:39 PM on March 8, 2016 [6 favorites]
Absolutely send a gift, I think that's really sweet of you to think of it, and is completely appropriate. I would be careful to choose a "for your sweet baby" kind of card, not a "congratulations on your growing family" kind of card.
posted by aimedwander at 2:38 PM on March 8, 2016
posted by aimedwander at 2:38 PM on March 8, 2016
My wife and I have fostered children for awhile now, and I can categorically say that there is no scenario in which this will seem weird. Actually, it will be appreciated as something that many people don't even think about.
Our experience was that although people were interested in us doing foster care, there was often a disconnect in seeing the foster child as a member of the family in ways that were emotionally meaningful. But the catch is that in order to do foster care well, you often have to open up your heart in ways that are incredibly vulnerable (because a child deserves all of the love that one can muster), not knowing if your heart will be broken if the child doesn't stay. If she growing to care for that little baby, she's giving her heart like she would a natural born baby, and probably in ways that are additionally vulnerable. I'll admit, it's hard to sometimes see this from the outside looking in, so true empathy is always appreciated as a precious thing.
A gift says that you understand the value in what she is doing and the emotional investment that she is probably taking, and that you are someone in her corner -- and here's the thing that surprised me: also in the corner of the foster child, who has almost no one else looking out for them. That is what was heartbreaking to me every time, thinking that there are pretty much zero advocates for someone so vulnerable (including even the courts or their lawyers or even extended family members), and you yearn for them to be important in the lives of other people. A gift says that you were thinking about that little baby in ways that are deeply meaningful to the parent.
Okay, that was way more than I was planning to say, but yes, a gift is good.
posted by SpacemanStix at 3:41 PM on March 8, 2016 [11 favorites]
Our experience was that although people were interested in us doing foster care, there was often a disconnect in seeing the foster child as a member of the family in ways that were emotionally meaningful. But the catch is that in order to do foster care well, you often have to open up your heart in ways that are incredibly vulnerable (because a child deserves all of the love that one can muster), not knowing if your heart will be broken if the child doesn't stay. If she growing to care for that little baby, she's giving her heart like she would a natural born baby, and probably in ways that are additionally vulnerable. I'll admit, it's hard to sometimes see this from the outside looking in, so true empathy is always appreciated as a precious thing.
A gift says that you understand the value in what she is doing and the emotional investment that she is probably taking, and that you are someone in her corner -- and here's the thing that surprised me: also in the corner of the foster child, who has almost no one else looking out for them. That is what was heartbreaking to me every time, thinking that there are pretty much zero advocates for someone so vulnerable (including even the courts or their lawyers or even extended family members), and you yearn for them to be important in the lives of other people. A gift says that you were thinking about that little baby in ways that are deeply meaningful to the parent.
Okay, that was way more than I was planning to say, but yes, a gift is good.
posted by SpacemanStix at 3:41 PM on March 8, 2016 [11 favorites]
(I feel you, SpacemanStix. Nicely said.)
posted by AgentRocket at 4:46 PM on March 8, 2016
posted by AgentRocket at 4:46 PM on March 8, 2016
A case of baby wipes from Costco makes a good baby gift.
posted by Anne Neville at 7:58 PM on March 8, 2016
posted by Anne Neville at 7:58 PM on March 8, 2016
Food is always the right gift when there is a newborn in the house, especially if you have no idea what gear they need. An Amazon gift card is also a good gift. Don't get things that they may end up needing to return, no one needs extra chores or errands when they have a new baby.
A great gift that one of my friends gave me when I had my last baby was a box full of snack foods. Nuts, crackers, dried fruits, cheeses, and a couple of bottles of sparkling apple cider. The reason it was such a great gift was because we had lots of people dropping by but I had no time to go out to shop for (let alone prep) appetizers or snacks to serve. So she had me covered there and it helped me for a good month. I'll forever be grateful to her for the thoughtfulness of her gift.
posted by vignettist at 8:17 PM on March 8, 2016
A great gift that one of my friends gave me when I had my last baby was a box full of snack foods. Nuts, crackers, dried fruits, cheeses, and a couple of bottles of sparkling apple cider. The reason it was such a great gift was because we had lots of people dropping by but I had no time to go out to shop for (let alone prep) appetizers or snacks to serve. So she had me covered there and it helped me for a good month. I'll forever be grateful to her for the thoughtfulness of her gift.
posted by vignettist at 8:17 PM on March 8, 2016
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The client brought up that she was fostering a newborn baby when I e-mailed her, not that she wants a present.
posted by joyceanmachine at 8:51 AM on March 8, 2016 [1 favorite]