Getting over someone while stuck between a rock and a hard place...
March 3, 2016 1:37 PM Subscribe
I need some concrete suggestions for moving on from a person in my life, but I feel like I'm creating barriers for myself in doing this. I have a busy life: a kid, a full-time job, multiple creative projects and athletic endeavors. But I'm stuck on this person and kind of "afraid" of dating (explanation to follow). HELP.
My marriage ended last year. Not long after the main events of this, I unexpectedly met someone (I wasn't looking to date at that time) that just seemed like THE ONE in terms of mutual interests, some level of mutual attraction (ok, he's everything, physically, that ticks my boxes... sigh), outlook on life, etc. etc. Complicator: we don't actually live near each other (about 5 hours apart). And he was the one that was actually initiating much of the flirtation, via our texts and emails. We did get together a few times, but long story short, he was/is not willing/wanting to actually have a relationship due to the logistics/distance.
I think, because he never really SAID, "I am not attracted to you" and continues stay in contact with me semi-regularly (liking the occasional facebook post, texting me with a comment about a mutual interest, but not anything flirtatious at this point), that it's hard for me to convince my brain to move on fully from the idea of him in my mind. And I don't want to cut off the friendship entirely - he has never been anything but kind (other than the not wanting to move mountains to be with me...) and because of shared professional/creative interests, is a good person to have as a contact. And, at this point, it would be weirder/overly dramatic to completely cut ties with him (although I do enforce periods of not initiating contact).
So, when you read articles and whatnot about getting over people, it's full of "Get busy! Fill your life with activities! You won't have time to think about them!" I literally cannot fill my life with any more activity. I have channeled feelings into creative output. I have worked over things in runs and exercise and outdoor activity. I have focused on the needs of my child. I am an accomplished person. There is no more room for further activity! But yet I still have time to think about how I miss having this person in a possible romantic role in my life.
SO, then I think, ok, I should try dating and find a solid distraction from this person. But I feel like there are no leads in that department in my small city. I don't know anyone that's available/the right age/that I'm attracted to/with compatible interests. And I've dipped my toe into things like Tinder and OkCupid and... ugh. I'm not fugly, but I feel like I'm not exactly Tinder material, I guess. I fret about seeing people I know on there and it's hard for me to work up any interest in contacting any of these pictures of people and I worry that I'm passing over nice people because they don't know how to take a good photo of themselves. It doesn't help that I've never really DATED before and, prior to my marriage, just immediately found myself in longer-term relationships with anyone I had clicked with in the past.
And then I wonder if I even have TIME or WANT to actually be in a relationship right now, but then I get achingly sad at times that I don't currently have the connection that I did with this guy last year with anyone right now. I'm in my late 30s and I've got myself mostly together. It would be nice to be able to hang out with someone sometimes. It hurts to feel like there is no one (apart from this guy that I'm hung up on) that I will ever connect with again.
I know this is really long/semi-disjointed and I hope it doesn't come across as chatfilter. I'm just trying to figure out how to move forward in a healthy way. So:
- Should I go back on Tinder, etc. and just grit my teeth and force myself to try to expand my social circle this way?
- Should I just be patient and wait for the universe to drop another guy in front of me and hope that this one is willing to be more than just a buddy?
- Should I stop thinking about all of this and just keep on living and trust that all will work out in the end?
- Should I be happy that I have enough material from the past year or so to write a box set of pretentious emo pop songs?
- Is there something I should be doing that I haven't thought about, clouded in my own issues?
Thanks for any guidance you have in helping me navigate this.
My marriage ended last year. Not long after the main events of this, I unexpectedly met someone (I wasn't looking to date at that time) that just seemed like THE ONE in terms of mutual interests, some level of mutual attraction (ok, he's everything, physically, that ticks my boxes... sigh), outlook on life, etc. etc. Complicator: we don't actually live near each other (about 5 hours apart). And he was the one that was actually initiating much of the flirtation, via our texts and emails. We did get together a few times, but long story short, he was/is not willing/wanting to actually have a relationship due to the logistics/distance.
I think, because he never really SAID, "I am not attracted to you" and continues stay in contact with me semi-regularly (liking the occasional facebook post, texting me with a comment about a mutual interest, but not anything flirtatious at this point), that it's hard for me to convince my brain to move on fully from the idea of him in my mind. And I don't want to cut off the friendship entirely - he has never been anything but kind (other than the not wanting to move mountains to be with me...) and because of shared professional/creative interests, is a good person to have as a contact. And, at this point, it would be weirder/overly dramatic to completely cut ties with him (although I do enforce periods of not initiating contact).
So, when you read articles and whatnot about getting over people, it's full of "Get busy! Fill your life with activities! You won't have time to think about them!" I literally cannot fill my life with any more activity. I have channeled feelings into creative output. I have worked over things in runs and exercise and outdoor activity. I have focused on the needs of my child. I am an accomplished person. There is no more room for further activity! But yet I still have time to think about how I miss having this person in a possible romantic role in my life.
SO, then I think, ok, I should try dating and find a solid distraction from this person. But I feel like there are no leads in that department in my small city. I don't know anyone that's available/the right age/that I'm attracted to/with compatible interests. And I've dipped my toe into things like Tinder and OkCupid and... ugh. I'm not fugly, but I feel like I'm not exactly Tinder material, I guess. I fret about seeing people I know on there and it's hard for me to work up any interest in contacting any of these pictures of people and I worry that I'm passing over nice people because they don't know how to take a good photo of themselves. It doesn't help that I've never really DATED before and, prior to my marriage, just immediately found myself in longer-term relationships with anyone I had clicked with in the past.
And then I wonder if I even have TIME or WANT to actually be in a relationship right now, but then I get achingly sad at times that I don't currently have the connection that I did with this guy last year with anyone right now. I'm in my late 30s and I've got myself mostly together. It would be nice to be able to hang out with someone sometimes. It hurts to feel like there is no one (apart from this guy that I'm hung up on) that I will ever connect with again.
I know this is really long/semi-disjointed and I hope it doesn't come across as chatfilter. I'm just trying to figure out how to move forward in a healthy way. So:
- Should I go back on Tinder, etc. and just grit my teeth and force myself to try to expand my social circle this way?
- Should I just be patient and wait for the universe to drop another guy in front of me and hope that this one is willing to be more than just a buddy?
- Should I stop thinking about all of this and just keep on living and trust that all will work out in the end?
- Should I be happy that I have enough material from the past year or so to write a box set of pretentious emo pop songs?
- Is there something I should be doing that I haven't thought about, clouded in my own issues?
Thanks for any guidance you have in helping me navigate this.
I've been divorced a couple of years now and I can relate to some of this as I had a similar experience out of the gate.
So here's the thing. You don't actually even know what you want yet, so why pine over this guy? He floated you boat and you learned something about yourself and a new way to be in a relationship (I'm convinced every relationship you engage in is a new way to be in a relationship as things are always different). Get on Tinder, get on Bumble, get on all the dating apps and just get out there and date. It's really the only way to get a personal dating style and figure out pitfalls and things that work for you.
It's a tough road. I was with the same woman for 17 years starting in 1996. Dating has changed so much since then I was terrified. Finally I took the plunge into the dating sites and started dating. Pretty soon I was much more comfortable with myself and new people and found that I wouldn't "pine" over someone quite as much. By only having the one interest in your life all of your random thoughts tend to drift that way so it makes it seems like more than it is. Get some more people in your life and you'll find that your thoughts drift around enough that you don't drive yourself crazy over one person.
posted by KingBoogly at 1:50 PM on March 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
So here's the thing. You don't actually even know what you want yet, so why pine over this guy? He floated you boat and you learned something about yourself and a new way to be in a relationship (I'm convinced every relationship you engage in is a new way to be in a relationship as things are always different). Get on Tinder, get on Bumble, get on all the dating apps and just get out there and date. It's really the only way to get a personal dating style and figure out pitfalls and things that work for you.
It's a tough road. I was with the same woman for 17 years starting in 1996. Dating has changed so much since then I was terrified. Finally I took the plunge into the dating sites and started dating. Pretty soon I was much more comfortable with myself and new people and found that I wouldn't "pine" over someone quite as much. By only having the one interest in your life all of your random thoughts tend to drift that way so it makes it seems like more than it is. Get some more people in your life and you'll find that your thoughts drift around enough that you don't drive yourself crazy over one person.
posted by KingBoogly at 1:50 PM on March 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
You mention activities and athletics but you don't mention friends. Getting out and connecting with other humans on the regular will go a long way toward diffusing that lonely feeling you have. In contrast, going out on a run and mulling over your dating situation in your head isn't the same as moving on.
My relationship/non-dating background is similar to yours, and I wasn't a supermodel even in my 20s much less now, so ... Tinder, yuck, no. But okcupid was fun. Jeez the questions! I am in a small city too, with a very super-small pool of people who ticked my boxes with regard to lifestyle/worldview. So I put that all out there in my profile and was as outgoing as I expected the other gender to be. In the end I met someone not nearby, by a fluke, but my experience overall was positive.
But whether online dating is or isn't your thing, expanding your friend network is a good thing. And it's a good way to meet people.
posted by headnsouth at 2:02 PM on March 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
My relationship/non-dating background is similar to yours, and I wasn't a supermodel even in my 20s much less now, so ... Tinder, yuck, no. But okcupid was fun. Jeez the questions! I am in a small city too, with a very super-small pool of people who ticked my boxes with regard to lifestyle/worldview. So I put that all out there in my profile and was as outgoing as I expected the other gender to be. In the end I met someone not nearby, by a fluke, but my experience overall was positive.
But whether online dating is or isn't your thing, expanding your friend network is a good thing. And it's a good way to meet people.
posted by headnsouth at 2:02 PM on March 3, 2016 [4 favorites]
It feel like maybe, aside from the distance thing, this guy would otherwise slot neatly into the same kind of pattern that you've experienced in the past. You know how that would work, it's familiar and comforting, so you're hung up on hoping that something will click and he'll willingly jump into the him-shaped hole you have in your life.
Whereas dating, you know, sucks. Frogs all the way down, lots of awkward conversations, lots of risk of being hurt. I am familiar with this, believe me.
I remember teaching myself to like whisky; it meant understanding first that it was going to taste like whisky. That no matter how much I disliked it the burn was still going to be there when I took a sip, no matter how long I waited and wished with the glass to my lips it would still be there when I acted. I just had to keep trying until the burn didn't bother me because I was used to it, and only then could I begin to appreciate the pleasures of it.
Whether it's Tinder or some other method, I think all you can do is either force yourself to sip now and deal with the necessary unpleasantness, or wait. Wait poised until you're so parched the unpleasantness seems bearable. This guy? This guy is the crossword puzzle on a coaster that's distracting you enough to make the waiting easier.
posted by Diablevert at 2:02 PM on March 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
Whereas dating, you know, sucks. Frogs all the way down, lots of awkward conversations, lots of risk of being hurt. I am familiar with this, believe me.
I remember teaching myself to like whisky; it meant understanding first that it was going to taste like whisky. That no matter how much I disliked it the burn was still going to be there when I took a sip, no matter how long I waited and wished with the glass to my lips it would still be there when I acted. I just had to keep trying until the burn didn't bother me because I was used to it, and only then could I begin to appreciate the pleasures of it.
Whether it's Tinder or some other method, I think all you can do is either force yourself to sip now and deal with the necessary unpleasantness, or wait. Wait poised until you're so parched the unpleasantness seems bearable. This guy? This guy is the crossword puzzle on a coaster that's distracting you enough to make the waiting easier.
posted by Diablevert at 2:02 PM on March 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
Totally hear you!
- Should I just be patient and wait for the universe to drop another guy in front of me and hope that this one is willing to be more than just a buddy?
No way
- Should I stop thinking about all of this and just keep on living and trust that all will work out in the end?
No, don't wait, if you want it, do something. (I await further comments for guidance on getting comfortable with online dating.)
- Should I be happy that I have enough material from the past year or so to write a box set of pretentious emo pop songs?
Yes, absolutely, you must actually do this though
- Is there something I should be doing that I haven't thought about, clouded in my own issues?
Nah, you're getting over stuff, progress seems pretty normal. Dating more is the answer, I think. Feeling ok about having your picture and stuff out there is another thing (again, looking forward to people's thoughts). Keep pursuing your interests and getting out there whenever you're up for it, and sometimes when you're not, that's all I know. (i'm more of an irl meeting-people person)
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:07 PM on March 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
- Should I just be patient and wait for the universe to drop another guy in front of me and hope that this one is willing to be more than just a buddy?
No way
- Should I stop thinking about all of this and just keep on living and trust that all will work out in the end?
No, don't wait, if you want it, do something. (I await further comments for guidance on getting comfortable with online dating.)
- Should I be happy that I have enough material from the past year or so to write a box set of pretentious emo pop songs?
Yes, absolutely, you must actually do this though
- Is there something I should be doing that I haven't thought about, clouded in my own issues?
Nah, you're getting over stuff, progress seems pretty normal. Dating more is the answer, I think. Feeling ok about having your picture and stuff out there is another thing (again, looking forward to people's thoughts). Keep pursuing your interests and getting out there whenever you're up for it, and sometimes when you're not, that's all I know. (i'm more of an irl meeting-people person)
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:07 PM on March 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
Oh man. I've so been there. I'm so sorry.
I don't know how long your marriage was, or how soon you met this new guy, but I'm going to guess that you have not given yourself enough time to heal from your divorce. Rebounds are really intense, but tend to end badly, so make sure you have enough emotional stability that you aren't just grasping at the first opportunity you have to be with someone else (basically, what Diablevert said).
Give yourself some more time to figure out what you really want, and work on yourself so you can understand your relationship patterns and how to improve them. Jumping from one long term relationship to another doesn't give you time to process and grow, so you keep repeating ingrained habits and nothing gets better. You can still date around while you're doing this, just take it slow and don't get hung up on any one person :)
Don't pine over this guy. Really. The secret truth behind "right guy, wrong time" is that if it's the wrong time, he's actually the wrong guy.
-It hurts to feel like there is no one (apart from this guy that I'm hung up on) that I will ever connect with again.
I felt like this after my divorce, and after the subsequent rebound as well. But your brain is lying to you. You already know that you are capable of meeting people you connect with! If you take nothing else away from your time with this guy, let it be that.
I would really advise against Tinder as a dating medium. It's mostly for hookups. If that's what you are looking for, then go for it, by all means!. OkCupid is a bit better, and Match.com is geared towards longer-term dating. I also hear good things about Plenty Of Fish. Be patient with this. Be gentle with yourself. You'll get to where you want to be.
posted by ananci at 2:14 PM on March 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
I don't know how long your marriage was, or how soon you met this new guy, but I'm going to guess that you have not given yourself enough time to heal from your divorce. Rebounds are really intense, but tend to end badly, so make sure you have enough emotional stability that you aren't just grasping at the first opportunity you have to be with someone else (basically, what Diablevert said).
Give yourself some more time to figure out what you really want, and work on yourself so you can understand your relationship patterns and how to improve them. Jumping from one long term relationship to another doesn't give you time to process and grow, so you keep repeating ingrained habits and nothing gets better. You can still date around while you're doing this, just take it slow and don't get hung up on any one person :)
Don't pine over this guy. Really. The secret truth behind "right guy, wrong time" is that if it's the wrong time, he's actually the wrong guy.
-It hurts to feel like there is no one (apart from this guy that I'm hung up on) that I will ever connect with again.
I felt like this after my divorce, and after the subsequent rebound as well. But your brain is lying to you. You already know that you are capable of meeting people you connect with! If you take nothing else away from your time with this guy, let it be that.
I would really advise against Tinder as a dating medium. It's mostly for hookups. If that's what you are looking for, then go for it, by all means!. OkCupid is a bit better, and Match.com is geared towards longer-term dating. I also hear good things about Plenty Of Fish. Be patient with this. Be gentle with yourself. You'll get to where you want to be.
posted by ananci at 2:14 PM on March 3, 2016 [5 favorites]
Staying busy is good advice for the first year or so following a major life-disrupting breakup. But activities and accomplishments are no replacement for meaningful human relationships. At some point you need to mourn the loss of this person who was such a big part of your life. I can't tell you when or how to do this. It will happen on its own, at its own pace. But when you get the feeling that you're overworking yourself, that's a sign to back off and let the feelings come. Feeling crappy means it's working, unfortunately.
For what it's worth, I tried Tinder a few months ago and I think it is the absolute worst way to meet human beings, for any purpose. I really do not understand the appeal at all, it's mystifying to me. It's especially worthless if you are looking for a date and you have any preferences at all about who you date (aside from their physical appearance, I guess). There is no room to write a meaningful self-summary or give someone a sense of your personality, and as a person who is not especially aesthetically gifted, I know that my major selling point as a dating partner is my humor, intelligence, and personality. So Tinder is not for me. And I'm not a special snowflake, so it is entirely possible that Tinder is not for you either. Please don't stake your whole romantic future on one stupid mobile app.
posted by deathpanels at 5:12 PM on March 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Should I just be patient and wait for the universe to drop another guy in front of me and hope that this one is willing to be more than just a buddy?It's probably not very smart to become a passive observer, waiting around for someone you like to find you. On the other hand, it's not exactly like you can summon up a room of potential suitors at the push of a button (which is the unfulfilled panglossian dream of online dating). Even if you devote yourself to going on a new internet date every day, there's still no guarantee that any of them will be successful. Still, it's not entirely out of your control. Nor is it 100% within your control. Things like our behavior, sticking to certain habits, taking out the garbage... these are "100% controllables." Finding a compatible dating partner is more like a 30% controllable at best. If you sit at home doing nothing, you're almost guaranteed to not meet someone, but you also can't just will your perfect partner into existence. So give yourself a break. Maybe go out on a few online dates here and there (I recommend a site like OKCupid where you can actually write a profile and not just appear as a series of headshots). But don't get too hung up on the outcome. Try to enjoy yourself. When you feel burnt out, give it a rest and come back a few weeks later.
For what it's worth, I tried Tinder a few months ago and I think it is the absolute worst way to meet human beings, for any purpose. I really do not understand the appeal at all, it's mystifying to me. It's especially worthless if you are looking for a date and you have any preferences at all about who you date (aside from their physical appearance, I guess). There is no room to write a meaningful self-summary or give someone a sense of your personality, and as a person who is not especially aesthetically gifted, I know that my major selling point as a dating partner is my humor, intelligence, and personality. So Tinder is not for me. And I'm not a special snowflake, so it is entirely possible that Tinder is not for you either. Please don't stake your whole romantic future on one stupid mobile app.
posted by deathpanels at 5:12 PM on March 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Ugh, this kind of guy is the worst to get over, I feel your pain.
Thing is, he might have seemed like "the one"... but you're seeing him through rose-colored glasses. Things ended while you were in a honeymoon phase. You two didn't actually date long enough to figure out if you're actually compatible in the ways essential to making a relationship work. You don't know his bad habits, his ability to actually be a good partner in a relationship, etc. And honestly, if he were really into you and into pursuing a relationship with you, he'd have put in more effort. He wasn't relationship material. Tell yourself that until it sinks in.
My first real foray into dating as an adult was after my divorce too. It took a number of short relationships for me to learn not to get too invested in a new relationship, even if I was head-over-heels in a honeymoon phase. The divorce taught me it wasn't enough to simply have an attractive companion with similar interests, I needed someone who was willing to work with me on making the relationship work, a real partner. It took me a few years to find someone worth keeping.
So I would advise you do try to date, and I agree that Plenty Of Fish and OK Cupid are worth trying out. Pro-tip: arrange to meet people, don't just chat. If you've dated people before, you will again.
But in the interim, it is a seriously powerful thing to learn to be happy as a single person. Enjoy the small pleasures of alone time. Invest in making friends, strengthening friendships you already have. When you're in a relationship that kind of socializing can backslide. But they can help give you some of that companionship you crave.
posted by lizbunny at 5:21 PM on March 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
Thing is, he might have seemed like "the one"... but you're seeing him through rose-colored glasses. Things ended while you were in a honeymoon phase. You two didn't actually date long enough to figure out if you're actually compatible in the ways essential to making a relationship work. You don't know his bad habits, his ability to actually be a good partner in a relationship, etc. And honestly, if he were really into you and into pursuing a relationship with you, he'd have put in more effort. He wasn't relationship material. Tell yourself that until it sinks in.
My first real foray into dating as an adult was after my divorce too. It took a number of short relationships for me to learn not to get too invested in a new relationship, even if I was head-over-heels in a honeymoon phase. The divorce taught me it wasn't enough to simply have an attractive companion with similar interests, I needed someone who was willing to work with me on making the relationship work, a real partner. It took me a few years to find someone worth keeping.
So I would advise you do try to date, and I agree that Plenty Of Fish and OK Cupid are worth trying out. Pro-tip: arrange to meet people, don't just chat. If you've dated people before, you will again.
But in the interim, it is a seriously powerful thing to learn to be happy as a single person. Enjoy the small pleasures of alone time. Invest in making friends, strengthening friendships you already have. When you're in a relationship that kind of socializing can backslide. But they can help give you some of that companionship you crave.
posted by lizbunny at 5:21 PM on March 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
I kid you not, I just had this major (to me) revelation less than two weeks ago. I wish I had thought of it years ago...I guess wisdom and all that.
1. You're infatuated with this guy, right? Well, even if he isn't some saintly individual, as most people aren't, he's still probably a decent guy, at least the moral average, one hopes.
2. Any halfway normal person would find it flattering to think that they are someone's unrequited love. They might be weak and enjoy the attention (hit "Like" gratuitously) a little. This doesn't make them evil.
3. BUT no halfway normal person would want another person to SUFFER because of this hopeless passion. Even if they don't like the crusher, even if they're not attracted, even if they're just friends, even if it's a near-stranger who's crushing. Why would they want someone to SUFFER on their account? It's safe to assume they don't.
4. So if he were reading this, he'd probably say, "Listen, Anon, I feel terrible that you're feeling this way. No, I'm not interested, or not able to pursue something now, but I don't want you to feel bad. Think about something else. Or someone else. Don't let me hold you up."
5. If he wouldn't give that speech in 4, then maybe he's actually NOT a good guy. And you shouldn't crush on him because he's a jerk in reality.
6. Repeat as necessary.
posted by 8603 at 6:14 PM on March 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
1. You're infatuated with this guy, right? Well, even if he isn't some saintly individual, as most people aren't, he's still probably a decent guy, at least the moral average, one hopes.
2. Any halfway normal person would find it flattering to think that they are someone's unrequited love. They might be weak and enjoy the attention (hit "Like" gratuitously) a little. This doesn't make them evil.
3. BUT no halfway normal person would want another person to SUFFER because of this hopeless passion. Even if they don't like the crusher, even if they're not attracted, even if they're just friends, even if it's a near-stranger who's crushing. Why would they want someone to SUFFER on their account? It's safe to assume they don't.
4. So if he were reading this, he'd probably say, "Listen, Anon, I feel terrible that you're feeling this way. No, I'm not interested, or not able to pursue something now, but I don't want you to feel bad. Think about something else. Or someone else. Don't let me hold you up."
5. If he wouldn't give that speech in 4, then maybe he's actually NOT a good guy. And you shouldn't crush on him because he's a jerk in reality.
6. Repeat as necessary.
posted by 8603 at 6:14 PM on March 3, 2016 [2 favorites]
In defense of tinder, I’ve been pleasantly surprised. YMMV, but I’ve had some success with it and I was in a little college town for some of the time working in a role where I met lots of people who I’d rather not run into on tinder. I wasn’t going to use it, but I was feeling pretty darn lonely and a bit rebound-y, so I did. I’ve seen a few people I knew on there, one a really sweet acquaintance where we both “liked” each other and acted totally platonic about it (“hey!!! lol”), two who didn’t “swipe me back” so a little awkward but now I know. No resulting dramas. I put up one or two pictures of my face (I’m only mildly pretty, not hipster hot by any stretch, female and around 30), then a few pictures that you couldn’t recognize me from but that told a little something about who I am or at very least the fact that I’m not taking it very seriously or hook up-y (a beautiful photo of my feet on top of a mountain I hiked up, a photo a friend took when we were camping of me having an afternoon nap in the grass). I had a snappy little blurb I was pleased with (that I think got at what I really like when it comes to chatting to new people: for me, it’s a dark sense of humor and frankness). There is a subculture on tinder of people who are using it to chat, make a strange connection, and maybe befriend (of course with sexual overtones ideally, but still content without them). The people I’ve met have also tended to have a very similar style to their profile as what I described of mine. Connections I’ve made:
*one with someone I now consider a good friend (now a normal, in-person friend where we both regularly marvel at how eerily well we get on for two moody weirdos who met on a hookup ap)
*met one guy where chatted for a while, went for a drink, bonded over a mutual interest and organised an event together. (We don’t talk anymore because he got back with his long term ex shortly after and it was all a bit awkward. Good story, though.)
*one epic weeks of texting with a guy where we got to know each other because of one shared interest then a fair bit of texting hearing about each other’s passions then both got sick of each other and it just dropped off but it was a fun ride
*one respectful and satisfying fling
*one decent one night stand
*plus three or so terrible dates
I am the kind of person who can get too attached to quickly to someone I feel a romantic connection with, and I’m probably still getting over a break up a couple of years ago that could have ended in marriage, but tinder is so silly that it does make it easier to not fall hard.
I’m not alone in positive tinder experiences, a friend of mine in a big city has formed a really rewarding friendship with an isolated single dad from tinder, they’ve been lovely supportive friends for about a year now. Another had a one month fling with archetypal hipster model man who dumped her but it was never going to last anyway and was just what she needed as a rebound fling.
posted by hotcoroner at 6:29 PM on March 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
*one with someone I now consider a good friend (now a normal, in-person friend where we both regularly marvel at how eerily well we get on for two moody weirdos who met on a hookup ap)
*met one guy where chatted for a while, went for a drink, bonded over a mutual interest and organised an event together. (We don’t talk anymore because he got back with his long term ex shortly after and it was all a bit awkward. Good story, though.)
*one epic weeks of texting with a guy where we got to know each other because of one shared interest then a fair bit of texting hearing about each other’s passions then both got sick of each other and it just dropped off but it was a fun ride
*one respectful and satisfying fling
*one decent one night stand
*plus three or so terrible dates
I am the kind of person who can get too attached to quickly to someone I feel a romantic connection with, and I’m probably still getting over a break up a couple of years ago that could have ended in marriage, but tinder is so silly that it does make it easier to not fall hard.
I’m not alone in positive tinder experiences, a friend of mine in a big city has formed a really rewarding friendship with an isolated single dad from tinder, they’ve been lovely supportive friends for about a year now. Another had a one month fling with archetypal hipster model man who dumped her but it was never going to last anyway and was just what she needed as a rebound fling.
posted by hotcoroner at 6:29 PM on March 3, 2016 [1 favorite]
As ananci said "Be patient with this. Be gentle with yourself. You'll get to where you want to be." is the way to go, worked for me from personal experience. Don't sit back and wait for the Universe to help you out, but at the same time don't rush into anything when it's still relatively soon after your last long term relationship.
Otherwise, as Michele in California said... "luck surface", increase the chances of something good happening, that might be just going out with friends more, taking on new interesting hobbies, or trying out those dating apps. Make a point of going out to have fun while being open to opportunities.
posted by DancingYear at 2:42 AM on March 4, 2016
Otherwise, as Michele in California said... "luck surface", increase the chances of something good happening, that might be just going out with friends more, taking on new interesting hobbies, or trying out those dating apps. Make a point of going out to have fun while being open to opportunities.
posted by DancingYear at 2:42 AM on March 4, 2016
First thing is first. Do you want to date? If this guy were available, would you be in a relationship with him? I think if the answer to that is yes, then you deep down want to date.
I met someone I had an instant connection with once. He never said he didn't want to date me either-- in fact, he hummed and hawed on the distance too (and it was much more than 5 hours apart) but any time I pulled back because I was getting too invested, he upped his interaction and compliments 10-fold which just left me confused. I actually asked him if I was his physical type, which I presumed I wasn't, but he disagreed whenever I mentioned it.
I realized later that he really liked my attention, he liked his ego being stroked, I was good at it, and that's what he was clinging to. I realized that people sometimes just can't say, "I am not attracted to you," which is understandable, I guess. Would you ever say that to anyone? It seems a little cruel. Attraction is arbitrary, and sometimes it's not that clear-cut, either-- he may well be attracted to you, but you may not be his specific type, either.
The turning point for me is I didn't listen when he said, "I'm not sure I really want to date long distance," because part of me didn't want to hear it. It was code for "I'm just not that into you," -- it wasn't code for, "If only there wasn't distance than we'd be SO great together." I didn't want to face that at the time.
When you start using terms like "THE ONE" for someone it hasn't worked out with, you already lose, you know? There are many 'Ones' and thinking in those terms is extremely dangerous. For one thing, even if there is such a thing, at the very least 'The One' is someone that likes you back. Unfortunately, I also stayed pretty stuck in the idea of this person, more than the reality. This made everything worse. It made me inadvertently put him on a pedestal, and I was very forgiving of his transgressions towards me. (Which were numerous). I started to reject guys because I kept making parallels with him, not necessarily consciously, but subconsciously. I minimized his flaws a lot, even though I was very aware of them. When he promised he didn't want to lose me and wanted to try a relationship with me, I was so happy. He then called me two weeks later and told me he was sorry but he'd finally met someone who felt like his 'soulmate' (hint: Someone who looked like the opposite of me) and that we'd be friends forever for sure though. Then he fell off the face of the earth for over a month. If I didn't have to contact him out of necessity I'm sure I'd not have heard from him. What happened after was enough for a novel, but at least it was a gigantic wake-up call.
I'm not saying this guy is like your guy and is leading you on at all. But I am saying that I see you stuck in a similar way I felt stuck, too.
Unfortunately you don't have that wake up call and you're still at the 'putting on pedestal' stage. He's hot, he seems SO great, and the distance is only making that worse, because you don't really see the real him. You don't have to put up with him or see him get snappy or be annoying. You only see the good points. The juxtaposition between your failed marriage and this person might also be contributing. I'd come from a relationship where my ex didn't really 'get' me and we weren't on the same level in terms of interests and to have someone who did was was alluring and heady. It felt like a breath of fresh air. I had a huge case of tunnel vision for sure.
So what do? You seem to have the answers already, but you don't seem to want to do any of them. You're already busy, that's good. And you don't want to go 'No Contact' entirely because it isn't ideal. Okay. But you really need to minimize contact with this guy because it's holding you back mentally. It doesn't mean you need to make it dramatic, or tell him anything, it means you just have to scale back to just the basic pleasantries. The more you talk to him, the more your heart flutters when you check your inbox or wall daily, the worse that is for you. The more he seems so great and within reach. The more stuck you get. You can't knock him off that pedestal if you're maintaining contact because doing that with someone you're into tends to subconciously keep that 'door' open on your end. But he's closed it already. He doesn't have to say 'I'm not attracted to you,' because he's already said 'He doesn't do long distance,' and that's essentially the same thing. Maybe eventually circumstances will change but right now you can only take him at his word and find someone who is available. It sucks but you need to close that door on your end, for your own good, as hard and awful as that feels. Because as it is, it's holding you back from finding someone else, and it's wasting your time.
The "It hurts to feel there's no one that I will connect with again" feeling is bullshit. It lies to you. I know how that feels, and when things failed with the guy I felt 'so compatible' with, I had the same thought process too. I felt that he was different, and special, that our connection was special. 'How am I going to find someone smart and funny and cute? How can lightning strike twice?' But it's not true. I didn't realize until I was out of it, but he really wasn't that special. Oh yeah, there are a lot of incompatible guys out there. But there are lots of smart, cute, interesting people out there, too, if you try to look. And this guy? He's not that great. You do know that, right? If he really was that great, then five hours would be worth it to him. Then you both together would have 'moved heaven' to make it work. Five hours isn't that much when you've met someone you're seriously compatible with. So he's hot. That's nice. There are other hot guys out there you will be just as attracted to. Sometimes it's so easy to get carried away when someone is pushing your buttons in the right way.
Yes, date. Yeah judging photos, and being judged on dating sites kinda sucks. Yes, you should absolutely give people more of a chance. It's easy to scrutinize someone's every flaw in a 2-D photo when that's all you have to really go on. But I think you're making a ton of excuses for yourself. "I'm not fugly, but I don't feel I'm Tinder material" Maybe. Tinder can be pretty brutal. But why preemptively judge your own pictures? So you might get no-swiped or ignored because of guys who judge your pictures. Oh well, you won't know, and secondly, would you really want to date a dude that does that anyway? "I fret about seeing people I know," So? God forbid people find out you want to date. What's wrong with that? Take some photos you feel confident in, and just go for it and see what happens? Why cut yourself off at the pass? Just do it. If you feel your town is too small to find decent people, consider 1-2 hours away or a town over if you can't consider moving. Statistics show that people just don't fall in your lap. You can't really leave it take care of itself, unless you're okay with the thought that it might not meet anyone. If you're okay with that, then sure. But even when people meet someone by accident, it's often by expanding their social circle in various ways... a new hobby or being introduced to someone -- it's hardly, "I was on the bus and I met an awesome guy," you know? So date. Date a lot. Try and keep an open mind.
I know it's difficult when you like someone and they seem so perfect, and I hope my reply doesn't seem too harsh. Even though I'd had a 'It'll never happen!' wake-up call in the form of him finding someone, I don't think I stepped out of my fog entirely until I met someone else. Only then did I realize I was wrong for thinking there was no hope and that guy was a special irreplaceable snowflake and no-one compared. It helped that my boyfriend stepped up in all the ways the person I wanted to date didn't. I had a very, 'oh, this is how it's supposed to feel, this is how I'm supposed to be treated' moment, and it was pretty sobering. But I wasted so much time pining over this guy, (two years) and I regret the way I let myself hope when there was none. It really hurt my self esteem. I hope you can learn from my mistakes and try and take the steps to move on.
Take care.
posted by Dimes at 4:07 AM on March 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
I met someone I had an instant connection with once. He never said he didn't want to date me either-- in fact, he hummed and hawed on the distance too (and it was much more than 5 hours apart) but any time I pulled back because I was getting too invested, he upped his interaction and compliments 10-fold which just left me confused. I actually asked him if I was his physical type, which I presumed I wasn't, but he disagreed whenever I mentioned it.
I realized later that he really liked my attention, he liked his ego being stroked, I was good at it, and that's what he was clinging to. I realized that people sometimes just can't say, "I am not attracted to you," which is understandable, I guess. Would you ever say that to anyone? It seems a little cruel. Attraction is arbitrary, and sometimes it's not that clear-cut, either-- he may well be attracted to you, but you may not be his specific type, either.
The turning point for me is I didn't listen when he said, "I'm not sure I really want to date long distance," because part of me didn't want to hear it. It was code for "I'm just not that into you," -- it wasn't code for, "If only there wasn't distance than we'd be SO great together." I didn't want to face that at the time.
When you start using terms like "THE ONE" for someone it hasn't worked out with, you already lose, you know? There are many 'Ones' and thinking in those terms is extremely dangerous. For one thing, even if there is such a thing, at the very least 'The One' is someone that likes you back. Unfortunately, I also stayed pretty stuck in the idea of this person, more than the reality. This made everything worse. It made me inadvertently put him on a pedestal, and I was very forgiving of his transgressions towards me. (Which were numerous). I started to reject guys because I kept making parallels with him, not necessarily consciously, but subconsciously. I minimized his flaws a lot, even though I was very aware of them. When he promised he didn't want to lose me and wanted to try a relationship with me, I was so happy. He then called me two weeks later and told me he was sorry but he'd finally met someone who felt like his 'soulmate' (hint: Someone who looked like the opposite of me) and that we'd be friends forever for sure though. Then he fell off the face of the earth for over a month. If I didn't have to contact him out of necessity I'm sure I'd not have heard from him. What happened after was enough for a novel, but at least it was a gigantic wake-up call.
I'm not saying this guy is like your guy and is leading you on at all. But I am saying that I see you stuck in a similar way I felt stuck, too.
Unfortunately you don't have that wake up call and you're still at the 'putting on pedestal' stage. He's hot, he seems SO great, and the distance is only making that worse, because you don't really see the real him. You don't have to put up with him or see him get snappy or be annoying. You only see the good points. The juxtaposition between your failed marriage and this person might also be contributing. I'd come from a relationship where my ex didn't really 'get' me and we weren't on the same level in terms of interests and to have someone who did was was alluring and heady. It felt like a breath of fresh air. I had a huge case of tunnel vision for sure.
So what do? You seem to have the answers already, but you don't seem to want to do any of them. You're already busy, that's good. And you don't want to go 'No Contact' entirely because it isn't ideal. Okay. But you really need to minimize contact with this guy because it's holding you back mentally. It doesn't mean you need to make it dramatic, or tell him anything, it means you just have to scale back to just the basic pleasantries. The more you talk to him, the more your heart flutters when you check your inbox or wall daily, the worse that is for you. The more he seems so great and within reach. The more stuck you get. You can't knock him off that pedestal if you're maintaining contact because doing that with someone you're into tends to subconciously keep that 'door' open on your end. But he's closed it already. He doesn't have to say 'I'm not attracted to you,' because he's already said 'He doesn't do long distance,' and that's essentially the same thing. Maybe eventually circumstances will change but right now you can only take him at his word and find someone who is available. It sucks but you need to close that door on your end, for your own good, as hard and awful as that feels. Because as it is, it's holding you back from finding someone else, and it's wasting your time.
The "It hurts to feel there's no one that I will connect with again" feeling is bullshit. It lies to you. I know how that feels, and when things failed with the guy I felt 'so compatible' with, I had the same thought process too. I felt that he was different, and special, that our connection was special. 'How am I going to find someone smart and funny and cute? How can lightning strike twice?' But it's not true. I didn't realize until I was out of it, but he really wasn't that special. Oh yeah, there are a lot of incompatible guys out there. But there are lots of smart, cute, interesting people out there, too, if you try to look. And this guy? He's not that great. You do know that, right? If he really was that great, then five hours would be worth it to him. Then you both together would have 'moved heaven' to make it work. Five hours isn't that much when you've met someone you're seriously compatible with. So he's hot. That's nice. There are other hot guys out there you will be just as attracted to. Sometimes it's so easy to get carried away when someone is pushing your buttons in the right way.
Yes, date. Yeah judging photos, and being judged on dating sites kinda sucks. Yes, you should absolutely give people more of a chance. It's easy to scrutinize someone's every flaw in a 2-D photo when that's all you have to really go on. But I think you're making a ton of excuses for yourself. "I'm not fugly, but I don't feel I'm Tinder material" Maybe. Tinder can be pretty brutal. But why preemptively judge your own pictures? So you might get no-swiped or ignored because of guys who judge your pictures. Oh well, you won't know, and secondly, would you really want to date a dude that does that anyway? "I fret about seeing people I know," So? God forbid people find out you want to date. What's wrong with that? Take some photos you feel confident in, and just go for it and see what happens? Why cut yourself off at the pass? Just do it. If you feel your town is too small to find decent people, consider 1-2 hours away or a town over if you can't consider moving. Statistics show that people just don't fall in your lap. You can't really leave it take care of itself, unless you're okay with the thought that it might not meet anyone. If you're okay with that, then sure. But even when people meet someone by accident, it's often by expanding their social circle in various ways... a new hobby or being introduced to someone -- it's hardly, "I was on the bus and I met an awesome guy," you know? So date. Date a lot. Try and keep an open mind.
I know it's difficult when you like someone and they seem so perfect, and I hope my reply doesn't seem too harsh. Even though I'd had a 'It'll never happen!' wake-up call in the form of him finding someone, I don't think I stepped out of my fog entirely until I met someone else. Only then did I realize I was wrong for thinking there was no hope and that guy was a special irreplaceable snowflake and no-one compared. It helped that my boyfriend stepped up in all the ways the person I wanted to date didn't. I had a very, 'oh, this is how it's supposed to feel, this is how I'm supposed to be treated' moment, and it was pretty sobering. But I wasted so much time pining over this guy, (two years) and I regret the way I let myself hope when there was none. It really hurt my self esteem. I hope you can learn from my mistakes and try and take the steps to move on.
Take care.
posted by Dimes at 4:07 AM on March 4, 2016 [4 favorites]
Mod note: From the OP:
I really want to make sure that everyone who responded knows how much of an immediate mental help it was to receive such thoughtful, gentle, and understanding feedback and guidance. This is such a #firstworldproblem kind of issue, but it is very comforting to know that others have dealt with similar pain and confusion and come out the other side. Rest assured that my friends have also been great sources of distraction and fun and I'll be putting your words into practice. Thank you.posted by goodnewsfortheinsane (staff) at 7:00 AM on March 4, 2016 [1 favorite]
OP, I am (have been?) in a similar situation. Feel free to MeMail me if you'd like to talk.
posted by apartment dweller at 7:43 AM on March 4, 2016
posted by apartment dweller at 7:43 AM on March 4, 2016
My mom has a great phrase her mom told her about evaluating men:
Watch the feet.
I think whether or not you should date is immaterial to getting over this guy. He is a straw man for the love and connection you are seeking. I'm not saying he is not all the things you describe and a bag of chips, but at the end of the day, he hasn't chosen you. It doesn't matter why he didn't choose you. He may even like you on some level, but he doesn't like you enough to move forward. Don't let the contact mix it up for you. Believe his direct words on the topic and his actions, or lack thereof, and get moving on tearing up the image you have of him as a romantic prospect.
Not being chosen has to become an immediate deal breaker. Why? Because you deserve to be chosen ENTHUSIASTICALLY, without doing anything other than being yourself and making a reasonable, equitable effort. If someone isn't choosing you very clearly, throw them back both practically and in spirit, fast. This means rewriting the script in your head that he's Mr. Perfect For You. He isn't. Someone who doesn't choose you is, by definition, not even close to perfect for you because they don't see and embrace you and everything that is beautiful about you. It doesn't matter if he's a nice guy with valid reasons or it's the distance or he's going through something and he may come around later or blah blah blah. This is about what you need, not what he needs. Do not wait and do not ruminate, because you are devaluing your time and selling yourself short. In matters of the heart, you have a duty to yourself to be downright horrified when someone you dig doesn't see the magic that is you and jump at the shot to be with you, because letting that dangling carrot keep you wishing and hoping on any level, no matter how small, will eventually make you feel like you weren't worthy of this person you wanted. And you are! You are worthy of the love and affection you seek!
So work on that. Work on making not being chosen a deal breaker. And in terms of dating, I vote for having profiles up and engaging to some degree. Just do as much as you can stand. OKCupid is good because it's passive. Let people come to you, and don't get too worked up if they are wrong for you or gross or whatever. Just stay open and willing and let life surprise you. Love will find you again, on its own schedule, without the need for you to chase it.
posted by amycup at 6:01 PM on March 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
Watch the feet.
I think whether or not you should date is immaterial to getting over this guy. He is a straw man for the love and connection you are seeking. I'm not saying he is not all the things you describe and a bag of chips, but at the end of the day, he hasn't chosen you. It doesn't matter why he didn't choose you. He may even like you on some level, but he doesn't like you enough to move forward. Don't let the contact mix it up for you. Believe his direct words on the topic and his actions, or lack thereof, and get moving on tearing up the image you have of him as a romantic prospect.
Not being chosen has to become an immediate deal breaker. Why? Because you deserve to be chosen ENTHUSIASTICALLY, without doing anything other than being yourself and making a reasonable, equitable effort. If someone isn't choosing you very clearly, throw them back both practically and in spirit, fast. This means rewriting the script in your head that he's Mr. Perfect For You. He isn't. Someone who doesn't choose you is, by definition, not even close to perfect for you because they don't see and embrace you and everything that is beautiful about you. It doesn't matter if he's a nice guy with valid reasons or it's the distance or he's going through something and he may come around later or blah blah blah. This is about what you need, not what he needs. Do not wait and do not ruminate, because you are devaluing your time and selling yourself short. In matters of the heart, you have a duty to yourself to be downright horrified when someone you dig doesn't see the magic that is you and jump at the shot to be with you, because letting that dangling carrot keep you wishing and hoping on any level, no matter how small, will eventually make you feel like you weren't worthy of this person you wanted. And you are! You are worthy of the love and affection you seek!
So work on that. Work on making not being chosen a deal breaker. And in terms of dating, I vote for having profiles up and engaging to some degree. Just do as much as you can stand. OKCupid is good because it's passive. Let people come to you, and don't get too worked up if they are wrong for you or gross or whatever. Just stay open and willing and let life surprise you. Love will find you again, on its own schedule, without the need for you to chase it.
posted by amycup at 6:01 PM on March 4, 2016 [2 favorites]
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Maybe try instead to increase your luck surface area? Try to make it possible to meet more men whom you might hit it off with (I don't mean Tinder, etc.)
- Should I stop thinking about all of this and just keep on living and trust that all will work out in the end?
Is he meeting some need currently without closing off opportunities? If so, can you make your peace with that? Some people can. Some people can't. Sometimes, a half a loaf is better than no loaf.
- Should I be happy that I have enough material from the past year or so to write a box set of pretentious emo pop songs?
You should totally write those songs/fictional stories/whatever creative thing you do. It might help you resolve this.
posted by Michele in California at 1:49 PM on March 3, 2016 [1 favorite]