the unbearable whiteness of being
February 25, 2016 5:12 PM Subscribe
People-of-color MeFites living in predominantly white areas, how do you handle the crushing pervasiveness of white supremacy?
I'm an Asian-American living in Yorkshire. I have seemingly progressive white friends who pay lip service to anti-racism, but they immediately turn on me if I discuss things like colonialism, why it's messed up to exotify minorities and how white beauty standards hurt PoC. I've had people tell me that I'm not Asian enough. I've had people pull their eyes back and call me "chink". I've had guys make comments about me publicly on Facebook talking about my 'sideways vagina'. I've had people tell me I look like their Chinese friend despite the fact that I'm SE Asian. Sometimes that weight is too much and I snap and I say critical things about white people, and even my good friends tell me that I'm the one who's racist.
It's been tough to connect with people who really get what it's like being a racial minority. I've got a lot of hobbies, but this city is 97% white and it is difficult to meet other PoC. Gradually, I'm coming to accept that I don't have anyone to share this pain with. I'm just at a complete loss for what to do.
PoC MeFites who have struggled with this, how did you cope?
(I'm not interested in narratives of white Western people who have gone to majority non-white countries. That's largely not the same experience.)
I'm an Asian-American living in Yorkshire. I have seemingly progressive white friends who pay lip service to anti-racism, but they immediately turn on me if I discuss things like colonialism, why it's messed up to exotify minorities and how white beauty standards hurt PoC. I've had people tell me that I'm not Asian enough. I've had people pull their eyes back and call me "chink". I've had guys make comments about me publicly on Facebook talking about my 'sideways vagina'. I've had people tell me I look like their Chinese friend despite the fact that I'm SE Asian. Sometimes that weight is too much and I snap and I say critical things about white people, and even my good friends tell me that I'm the one who's racist.
It's been tough to connect with people who really get what it's like being a racial minority. I've got a lot of hobbies, but this city is 97% white and it is difficult to meet other PoC. Gradually, I'm coming to accept that I don't have anyone to share this pain with. I'm just at a complete loss for what to do.
PoC MeFites who have struggled with this, how did you cope?
(I'm not interested in narratives of white Western people who have gone to majority non-white countries. That's largely not the same experience.)
Best answer: We live in Australia's most multicultural city, in one of the most multicultural suburbs. Your location is not the issue. My husband and kids are Tibetan.
You're not racist. Ffs. People can't believe that pointing out the points of differences (physically) between people happens to people of colour up to a hundred times a day. (Ask my husband how he knows.)
I'm white and I'm accused of saying "racist against white people" stuff all the time. We also have refugee dynamics for an extra intersection that I won't digress with.
But all I can say is that you have to remember it's not you, it's them. Blindness to white privilege and the casual micro aggressions of racism (the fucking exotification of my small daughters is utterly sickening and creepy) is everywhere. It has destroyed and continues to destroy friendships in our circles.
We have no solution, just advising strong personal armour. I hate it and I'm only observing it with my family even thought I have a unique ability to sidle up to racism and observe it before many people realise that man and those kids are my family. You're not insane, you're not racist and it's horrible.
I'm a big fan of divabat. Hopefully she'll pop in with wisdom. She's wicked fierce and smart and dealt with the worst of Australia.
If you'd like them, I send you cyber hugs. And the strength you need to survive the deniers. They don't think they're racist, just joking. Listened to everybody's favourite, still touring comedian John Cleese lately? As racist as the day is long. (Jay Smooth keeps me sane on rough days. As do many Muslim feminists on Twitter.)
posted by taff at 6:09 PM on February 25, 2016 [26 favorites]
You're not racist. Ffs. People can't believe that pointing out the points of differences (physically) between people happens to people of colour up to a hundred times a day. (Ask my husband how he knows.)
I'm white and I'm accused of saying "racist against white people" stuff all the time. We also have refugee dynamics for an extra intersection that I won't digress with.
But all I can say is that you have to remember it's not you, it's them. Blindness to white privilege and the casual micro aggressions of racism (the fucking exotification of my small daughters is utterly sickening and creepy) is everywhere. It has destroyed and continues to destroy friendships in our circles.
We have no solution, just advising strong personal armour. I hate it and I'm only observing it with my family even thought I have a unique ability to sidle up to racism and observe it before many people realise that man and those kids are my family. You're not insane, you're not racist and it's horrible.
I'm a big fan of divabat. Hopefully she'll pop in with wisdom. She's wicked fierce and smart and dealt with the worst of Australia.
If you'd like them, I send you cyber hugs. And the strength you need to survive the deniers. They don't think they're racist, just joking. Listened to everybody's favourite, still touring comedian John Cleese lately? As racist as the day is long. (Jay Smooth keeps me sane on rough days. As do many Muslim feminists on Twitter.)
posted by taff at 6:09 PM on February 25, 2016 [26 favorites]
Best answer: If you can't move right now, then can you try to make/find community online? Can you make or find it in other places that you can get to regularly (e.g., friends who are not white who live in majority-minority communities you can go visit once a month or something)?
Your options are just limited right now, because you are really between a rock (put up with racist bullshit without comment, grin and bear it) and a hard place (push back and get accused of being too sensitive, of being racist) and whatever horrible third thing (always be the cheerful, kindly educator of white people). This just sucks. Other people might be the ones with the problem, but sometimes you cannot avoid having their problems become your problems, because you are not a robot and you are not a perfect duck who can just shed the problems and pretend like they don't affect you.
I'm really sorry you're in this situation. I hope it does not have to last long.
posted by rtha at 6:29 PM on February 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
Your options are just limited right now, because you are really between a rock (put up with racist bullshit without comment, grin and bear it) and a hard place (push back and get accused of being too sensitive, of being racist) and whatever horrible third thing (always be the cheerful, kindly educator of white people). This just sucks. Other people might be the ones with the problem, but sometimes you cannot avoid having their problems become your problems, because you are not a robot and you are not a perfect duck who can just shed the problems and pretend like they don't affect you.
I'm really sorry you're in this situation. I hope it does not have to last long.
posted by rtha at 6:29 PM on February 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I had to leave. It was getting too much for me and I couldn't deal with it anymore. I tried persevering but I was losing support by the second and people were too cowardly to openly support me. I was very vocal and upfront about racism but all that did was cost me careers and opportunities.
I now am likely having to return to Oz, because visas took me away from the space I felt most safe in (the Bay Area - I'm in Malaysia with parents at the moment, it isn't great). I have PR and I'm hoping to be in a more diverse city, but given the political climate right now I have no hope.
Leaving may or may not be an option for you, I don't know. But asides from hanging in there and finding community where you can - mine was mostly online - I'm not sure what else is there. Sorry this isn't more helpful.
(Also white people responding: you all are well-meaning, but please remember that your experiences would be very different and be careful not to whitesplain racism in your answers.)
posted by divabat at 6:48 PM on February 25, 2016 [18 favorites]
I now am likely having to return to Oz, because visas took me away from the space I felt most safe in (the Bay Area - I'm in Malaysia with parents at the moment, it isn't great). I have PR and I'm hoping to be in a more diverse city, but given the political climate right now I have no hope.
Leaving may or may not be an option for you, I don't know. But asides from hanging in there and finding community where you can - mine was mostly online - I'm not sure what else is there. Sorry this isn't more helpful.
(Also white people responding: you all are well-meaning, but please remember that your experiences would be very different and be careful not to whitesplain racism in your answers.)
posted by divabat at 6:48 PM on February 25, 2016 [18 favorites]
Best answer: That sucks and I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Are there any meetups you could go to? I'm from a very diverse area but I think I would probably try to find at least one POC friend and then just co-opt their friends/family to become my friends (which how a lot of friendships happened where I live/grew up). If you can't move you're just going to have to put a lot more effort into finding more like-minded non-racist and non-insensitve jerks to be friends with. You could also just tune them out and not broach those conversations at all and refuse to take part in them. I'm not responsible for educating these fools if they don't want to be.
With my non-POC or very insensitive asshole "friends" I just did a slow fade and kept them at arm's length. This won't work if you're very extroverted but if you're introverted, it was actually a great weight to take off myself not having to contain my anger and saving my energy explaining why I didn't appreciate the slant eyed chink gesture. I actually ended up being able to spend more time on me myself and I.
Also, they're tone deaf. Completely. It's ingrained and it's hard to work against unless they WANT to consider that they could be wrong or that they should take a step back to consider their position and privilege. Theres always going to be something they need to explain to you, because you just don't get it. ~eyeroll~
posted by driedmango at 7:08 PM on February 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
With my non-POC or very insensitive asshole "friends" I just did a slow fade and kept them at arm's length. This won't work if you're very extroverted but if you're introverted, it was actually a great weight to take off myself not having to contain my anger and saving my energy explaining why I didn't appreciate the slant eyed chink gesture. I actually ended up being able to spend more time on me myself and I.
Also, they're tone deaf. Completely. It's ingrained and it's hard to work against unless they WANT to consider that they could be wrong or that they should take a step back to consider their position and privilege. Theres always going to be something they need to explain to you, because you just don't get it. ~eyeroll~
posted by driedmango at 7:08 PM on February 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I'm not a visible minority so I can't speak to your primary issue, I just want to say that being critical of white people is not racist.
That was so shitty of your supposed friends, and in my case it would be pretty much a dealbreaker, but if they provide vital companionship you could try just really focusing on what they can bring into your life and step away from a more meaningful connection. That might seem kind of mercenary but it's better than attempting to enlighten the willfully ignorant or forming complex attachments to hurtful people.
posted by Mizu at 7:16 PM on February 25, 2016 [7 favorites]
That was so shitty of your supposed friends, and in my case it would be pretty much a dealbreaker, but if they provide vital companionship you could try just really focusing on what they can bring into your life and step away from a more meaningful connection. That might seem kind of mercenary but it's better than attempting to enlighten the willfully ignorant or forming complex attachments to hurtful people.
posted by Mizu at 7:16 PM on February 25, 2016 [7 favorites]
Best answer: The one period where I was most surrounded by white people was when I was in law school. My coping mechanism with my fellow students would be just to make my own equivalently outrageous statements in a very deadpan way in reply. Some people got it and some didn't and that was fine by me because it let me know who to spend more time with.
One thing that can help is to hang out with people who may be outside the mainstream for other reasons such as sexual orientation, religion (or lack of religion), or even media consumption. You may find a greater proportion of people who can at least relate because they have gone through similar kinds of things. Of course there will be people who are laser focused on the one thing that makes them different and totally blind to other possible differences (I had a prof who was heavily involved in gender and sexual orientation issues but totally oblivious to race, as in she couldn't see how making sure an administrative/judicial panel wasn't all white was important in the same way as making sure they weren't all men, even when asked about it point blank) but hopefully you can weed them out of your closer circles.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 7:26 PM on February 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
One thing that can help is to hang out with people who may be outside the mainstream for other reasons such as sexual orientation, religion (or lack of religion), or even media consumption. You may find a greater proportion of people who can at least relate because they have gone through similar kinds of things. Of course there will be people who are laser focused on the one thing that makes them different and totally blind to other possible differences (I had a prof who was heavily involved in gender and sexual orientation issues but totally oblivious to race, as in she couldn't see how making sure an administrative/judicial panel wasn't all white was important in the same way as making sure they weren't all men, even when asked about it point blank) but hopefully you can weed them out of your closer circles.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 7:26 PM on February 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
I have stayed in the same area, but moved from a very white suburb to a mostly white but very gay-friendly neigborhood. It isn't quite the same as having other Asians like me around, and I'm heterosexual, but I feel far more comfortable. I don't know if this is an option where you live.
If not, then online communities are probably your only other option, sadly. But I hear you on what you're facing, and it's exhausting. I am so sorry.
posted by umwhat at 7:38 PM on February 25, 2016
If not, then online communities are probably your only other option, sadly. But I hear you on what you're facing, and it's exhausting. I am so sorry.
posted by umwhat at 7:38 PM on February 25, 2016
Best answer: re: ' you look like my Chinese friend ' -- "Oh! I'm not Chinese, but could you give me their contact info? I would love to chat with someone who is not white or clueless..."
god I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. I've never been to Yorkshire or Europe but nearly every bit you mentioned, I've experienced too. in the States, here with ya. (I don't know what is "sideways vagina" so I am just gonna not Google it, take you at your word.)
echoing cacao and above comments on moving. in my last four moves within east coast U.S., each city's been progressively more POC-forward, political leadership and all. while I'm Asian and not black (the majority represented in my city), it is refreshing to deal with white ignorance (willful or not) *only* on a very occasional basis, and not daily/near-daily. of course this is America, so I still run into ignorance, or have mild confrontations in parties or on the street, but... I gotta say... compared to before, it is actually a HUGE psychic relief. different skew when it's not white.
there must be someone in Yorkshire, some group, some secret empathizers who can understand at least half of what you're going through. hold strong that there's someone who's been on the other side of ignorant bullshit in some way, shape, or form. (this may seem like a self-deluded mantra but it could be true. or it could at least get you through until you're in a better space.) the important part is, with the Internet (the this! the Meta Talk/Chat?), you are not alone.
most recently, when white ignorance was near-daily for me, I worked service jobs with at least 50% POC staff (just shook out that way). it was convenient for situations where you'd quickly be exposed to racism/weirdness in a customer service microcosm, then instantly be able to totally vent and rant afterward with co-workers about it, since everyone shared customer-horror war stories anyway. even when there wasn't 100% understanding of Racism 102, we could have a back-and-forth about it. some convos were frustrating, but the workplace culture was supportive enough, and it was great for bonding.
tipped/service workers everywhere understand the pain of having to smile at shitheads who don't think of you as a real person.
for non-work situations, my responses varied wildly (still do) depending on emotions, circumstances, and level of galling racist idiocy involved. very often I sputtered or was inarticulate. all I knew was that starting in college I'd had enough of smiling it away. now, I either shut it down quick with the "ignorant" angle, or let my judgmental silence ring loud and clear:
- if it's a short and just so plainly idiotic/horrible shout or something, I shout back -- am not usually clever in the moment, so just something short and effective like "Ignorant + [favorite expletive here]!" at least loud enough for those next to me to catch it. just to broadcast that I'm not gonna put up with that.
- if it's something sticky/gross that comes up in a one-on-one conversation (or 1 white person to ≥ 1 POC ratio), my default "re-ack" is like: slightly raised/furrowed eyebrows, pointedly silent look, and staring right into their eyes. don't break eye contact!!!! gotta create MAXIMUM tension and let whatever stinky bullshit that was hang in the air, right in front of them. then they're all:
* start sweating or perhaps trying to correct themselves (because of course they couldn't be racist!?!!!of course not!!!!!!!!!!!!). my judgmental mind is satisfied, because I successfully achieved max tension. and maybe years later they'll realize what they said, or w/e, not my racist prob.
* or they dig themselves deeper into an ignorant hole. I either choose to go for Teachable Moment, or I just let them squirm and excuse myself / walk away.
* or maybe they want to continue Civil Conversation, and actually ask me why I have a look on my face. if I choose, I can reply, in as little or as much Teachable Moment and/or asshole-ripping detail as I want. and then maybe we even have a productive conversation? or I can choose to excuse myself, because my look should be enough, and they're Not Ready for the real world. they accept my reaction and learn something, accept my reaction and change the subject, or squirm.
* orrr.... they're not unnerved *at all* by this awkwardness and my clear reaction. then I can just walk away. because they like bloviating in a world where other people do not exist.
tbh I actually relish those moments where someone who is "not racist" (blugh) says something 'def racist' or 'def unseemly' or have a weird racist hangup because then, thank GOD, it's out in the open, thank you for saving me time. after being in places where people refuse to talk about race issues, whether out of fear or ignorance, I want that shit out in the open. I am judgmental, yes true, but whatever: in the same way that a small percentage of me is constantly assessing/re-assessing if people I interact with are sociopaths or serial killers, I apply this assessment to people who are clueless or willfully ignorant or not yet able to learn from others, like the others who might be right there in front of them and who also span THE ENTIRE GLOBE wtf. and if the person gets otherwise overall safe/decent rating from me, I may just file them into my "check in after a few months" folder regarding their racist biases, allowing them the chance to process or pursue greater wisdom. failing that, then... yeah. don't need 'em.
so, if someone is obviously a total bigot: no way am I ever gonna fuck with that, thank you for saving me time.
if someone is in a fuzzy area, when their bullshit hangs in the air: at least I know that they STINK in certain arenas that are totally important to me. so, I am not going to invest the same amount of time in them as I would for someone who pays attention to important shit.
posted by cluebucket at 7:57 PM on February 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
god I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. I've never been to Yorkshire or Europe but nearly every bit you mentioned, I've experienced too. in the States, here with ya. (I don't know what is "sideways vagina" so I am just gonna not Google it, take you at your word.)
echoing cacao and above comments on moving. in my last four moves within east coast U.S., each city's been progressively more POC-forward, political leadership and all. while I'm Asian and not black (the majority represented in my city), it is refreshing to deal with white ignorance (willful or not) *only* on a very occasional basis, and not daily/near-daily. of course this is America, so I still run into ignorance, or have mild confrontations in parties or on the street, but... I gotta say... compared to before, it is actually a HUGE psychic relief. different skew when it's not white.
there must be someone in Yorkshire, some group, some secret empathizers who can understand at least half of what you're going through. hold strong that there's someone who's been on the other side of ignorant bullshit in some way, shape, or form. (this may seem like a self-deluded mantra but it could be true. or it could at least get you through until you're in a better space.) the important part is, with the Internet (the this! the Meta Talk/Chat?), you are not alone.
most recently, when white ignorance was near-daily for me, I worked service jobs with at least 50% POC staff (just shook out that way). it was convenient for situations where you'd quickly be exposed to racism/weirdness in a customer service microcosm, then instantly be able to totally vent and rant afterward with co-workers about it, since everyone shared customer-horror war stories anyway. even when there wasn't 100% understanding of Racism 102, we could have a back-and-forth about it. some convos were frustrating, but the workplace culture was supportive enough, and it was great for bonding.
tipped/service workers everywhere understand the pain of having to smile at shitheads who don't think of you as a real person.
for non-work situations, my responses varied wildly (still do) depending on emotions, circumstances, and level of galling racist idiocy involved. very often I sputtered or was inarticulate. all I knew was that starting in college I'd had enough of smiling it away. now, I either shut it down quick with the "ignorant" angle, or let my judgmental silence ring loud and clear:
- if it's a short and just so plainly idiotic/horrible shout or something, I shout back -- am not usually clever in the moment, so just something short and effective like "Ignorant + [favorite expletive here]!" at least loud enough for those next to me to catch it. just to broadcast that I'm not gonna put up with that.
- if it's something sticky/gross that comes up in a one-on-one conversation (or 1 white person to ≥ 1 POC ratio), my default "re-ack" is like: slightly raised/furrowed eyebrows, pointedly silent look, and staring right into their eyes. don't break eye contact!!!! gotta create MAXIMUM tension and let whatever stinky bullshit that was hang in the air, right in front of them. then they're all:
* start sweating or perhaps trying to correct themselves (because of course they couldn't be racist!?!!!of course not!!!!!!!!!!!!). my judgmental mind is satisfied, because I successfully achieved max tension. and maybe years later they'll realize what they said, or w/e, not my racist prob.
* or they dig themselves deeper into an ignorant hole. I either choose to go for Teachable Moment, or I just let them squirm and excuse myself / walk away.
* or maybe they want to continue Civil Conversation, and actually ask me why I have a look on my face. if I choose, I can reply, in as little or as much Teachable Moment and/or asshole-ripping detail as I want. and then maybe we even have a productive conversation? or I can choose to excuse myself, because my look should be enough, and they're Not Ready for the real world. they accept my reaction and learn something, accept my reaction and change the subject, or squirm.
* orrr.... they're not unnerved *at all* by this awkwardness and my clear reaction. then I can just walk away. because they like bloviating in a world where other people do not exist.
tbh I actually relish those moments where someone who is "not racist" (blugh) says something 'def racist' or 'def unseemly' or have a weird racist hangup because then, thank GOD, it's out in the open, thank you for saving me time. after being in places where people refuse to talk about race issues, whether out of fear or ignorance, I want that shit out in the open. I am judgmental, yes true, but whatever: in the same way that a small percentage of me is constantly assessing/re-assessing if people I interact with are sociopaths or serial killers, I apply this assessment to people who are clueless or willfully ignorant or not yet able to learn from others, like the others who might be right there in front of them and who also span THE ENTIRE GLOBE wtf. and if the person gets otherwise overall safe/decent rating from me, I may just file them into my "check in after a few months" folder regarding their racist biases, allowing them the chance to process or pursue greater wisdom. failing that, then... yeah. don't need 'em.
so, if someone is obviously a total bigot: no way am I ever gonna fuck with that, thank you for saving me time.
if someone is in a fuzzy area, when their bullshit hangs in the air: at least I know that they STINK in certain arenas that are totally important to me. so, I am not going to invest the same amount of time in them as I would for someone who pays attention to important shit.
posted by cluebucket at 7:57 PM on February 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I hear you. I enclosed myself into a totally artificial bubble of white friends who were used to living in diverse communities, had loads of exposure and also read up a lot about these issues - as well as obviously making friends with lots of other PoC's. I didn't actually realise I had enclosed myself into a bubble until I started work (where you can't really choose who you end up working with) and realised how narrow-minded and uninformed a lot of people could be.
Whereabouts in Yorkshire are you? If anywhere near York or Sheffield, the universities there have sizeable international communities so that might help?
posted by Ziggy500 at 8:09 PM on February 25, 2016
Whereabouts in Yorkshire are you? If anywhere near York or Sheffield, the universities there have sizeable international communities so that might help?
posted by Ziggy500 at 8:09 PM on February 25, 2016
sorry, my reply may have been unhelpful, or at least too long a throwback to rantier days.
a reach, but: do you have access to a printer/copier? what if, on your journey of browsing affirming/interesting race-related op-eds/articles/quotes from the internet, you collect your favorite stuff, format it into a postcard, pamphlet, or mini-zine, and then leave copies of it around local establishments? a way to have your say, or to promote the commentary you'd RATHER engage in, even if you don't have the opportunity to face-to-face with anyone about it. you could leave an email address or a tumblr URL in case it really speaks to someone.
this sort of stuff helped me cope when I was a younger and shyer lover of the written word, and more active in zine stuff. I remember reading someone's self-published rant left on a subway seat and being pretty fascinated with it. it inspired me to print my own copies of favorite quotes/lyrics/passages (attributed, though probably violating copyright whoops -- I was a minor ok) and surreptitiously leaving them out in public, like bargain book stands, newspaper boxes, library boards, train seats, cafes, napkin holders, etc. maybe one could even "drop" out of your bag at a friend's house (!). passive-aggressive, but... *some* sort of cosmic release :-)
posted by cluebucket at 8:21 PM on February 25, 2016
a reach, but: do you have access to a printer/copier? what if, on your journey of browsing affirming/interesting race-related op-eds/articles/quotes from the internet, you collect your favorite stuff, format it into a postcard, pamphlet, or mini-zine, and then leave copies of it around local establishments? a way to have your say, or to promote the commentary you'd RATHER engage in, even if you don't have the opportunity to face-to-face with anyone about it. you could leave an email address or a tumblr URL in case it really speaks to someone.
this sort of stuff helped me cope when I was a younger and shyer lover of the written word, and more active in zine stuff. I remember reading someone's self-published rant left on a subway seat and being pretty fascinated with it. it inspired me to print my own copies of favorite quotes/lyrics/passages (attributed, though probably violating copyright whoops -- I was a minor ok) and surreptitiously leaving them out in public, like bargain book stands, newspaper boxes, library boards, train seats, cafes, napkin holders, etc. maybe one could even "drop" out of your bag at a friend's house (!). passive-aggressive, but... *some* sort of cosmic release :-)
posted by cluebucket at 8:21 PM on February 25, 2016
I have seemingly progressive white friends who pay lip service to anti-racism, but they immediately turn on me if I discuss things like colonialism, why it's messed up to exotify minorities and how white beauty standards hurt PoC.
Speaking as a seemingly progressive white guy: Fuck that noise. Seek better friends.
posted by flabdablet at 9:01 PM on February 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
Speaking as a seemingly progressive white guy: Fuck that noise. Seek better friends.
posted by flabdablet at 9:01 PM on February 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
Best answer: It can be so exhausting. For me, having even just one weekend a month where I go somewhere else and/or connect with some fellow PoC helps a lot. I have one close friend at work with whom I text about all the completely stupid/racist shit people say to us on a daily basis. Sometimes I take some conscious timeouts from social media when it gets too white/clueless for me on certain issues.
And I kid you not, I read this story pretty much before the start of work every week and it helps a TON.
posted by TwoStride at 10:28 PM on February 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
And I kid you not, I read this story pretty much before the start of work every week and it helps a TON.
posted by TwoStride at 10:28 PM on February 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
Best answer: "Seek better friends" can be a hard proposition if all your friends are like that. I got the most trouble from the supposed progressive lefty types: the right-wingers were less sanctimonious in comparison.
Piggybacking on cluebucket's idea: zines zines zines! Here's some zines from people of colour. I think there are some that are based in the UK.
posted by divabat at 12:34 AM on February 26, 2016 [3 favorites]
Piggybacking on cluebucket's idea: zines zines zines! Here's some zines from people of colour. I think there are some that are based in the UK.
posted by divabat at 12:34 AM on February 26, 2016 [3 favorites]
Best answer: My solution was also to move. If that's an option for you, I absolutely recommend it. There's no way to educate racists, in real time, to a degree that makes them actually good friends: you could try, and it may benefit them, but it wouldn't benefit you, it would be painful and lonely and wouldn't feel like friendship. So I would turn the worst of these relationships into "nod and smile" relationships, put zero effort into deepening them in any way, and focus all my energy on getting away and into a new friendship circle. (I know you said that the friend who called you racist for taking about race is a "good friend", but I would be extremely hurt and angry about someone who said that to me and would definitely fade on anyone who said that to me and didn't see what was wrong with it. YMMV, depending on what else you get out of that particular friendship, of course.)
If you can leave the actual city, and move somewhere with a bigger long-standing ethnic minority community, that would be ideal; not only because of having PoC friends but because white people in those communities tend to be, at least, politer about race. If you can't move city right now, is it worth checking meetup.com in your city for groups that seem racially mixed? Is there anti-racist activism happening somewhere nearby, and could you get involved in that?
posted by Aravis76 at 12:47 AM on February 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you can leave the actual city, and move somewhere with a bigger long-standing ethnic minority community, that would be ideal; not only because of having PoC friends but because white people in those communities tend to be, at least, politer about race. If you can't move city right now, is it worth checking meetup.com in your city for groups that seem racially mixed? Is there anti-racist activism happening somewhere nearby, and could you get involved in that?
posted by Aravis76 at 12:47 AM on February 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I lived in Guildford for about a year, I feels you. Come live in London. (Although it won't go away 100%, because you still get the occasional harassment from other minorities sigh. But it's not as bad and at least I'm exposed to other cultures as well.)
posted by like_neon at 2:46 AM on February 26, 2016
posted by like_neon at 2:46 AM on February 26, 2016
Response by poster: In reference to suggestions of moving, I've got six months left on my housing contract and on my program but the plan afterwards is to move somewhere more diverse. It's a bit more complicated because this friend is someone I live with. I tried to explain to her why I was hurt by things she said, and now I'm being frozen out by both the people I live with.
I'm deeply hurt and I'm reaching out to PoC friends I have back in the States. I'm also desperate to the point where I'm cold-messaging people in local special interest groups who might be able to guide me to other like-minded PoC.
posted by quadrant seasons at 3:55 AM on February 26, 2016
I'm deeply hurt and I'm reaching out to PoC friends I have back in the States. I'm also desperate to the point where I'm cold-messaging people in local special interest groups who might be able to guide me to other like-minded PoC.
posted by quadrant seasons at 3:55 AM on February 26, 2016
What city are you in though? There's some very diverse cities in Yorkshire, Leeds is amazing for instance.
posted by glasseyes at 6:41 AM on February 26, 2016
posted by glasseyes at 6:41 AM on February 26, 2016
One way of looking at it is that whether one accomplishes anything worthwhile is besides the point, as one is fulfilling a very important role on the planet and in the universe: bringing diversity to folks who would probably never have a chance at it otherwise!
posted by xm at 7:19 AM on February 26, 2016
posted by xm at 7:19 AM on February 26, 2016
Response by poster: glasseyes, Leeds is great! I go there semi-often, but I'm based in the N. Humberside area because of school. No prospects for moving cities soon but I've decided to move house ASAP.
posted by quadrant seasons at 7:30 AM on February 26, 2016
posted by quadrant seasons at 7:30 AM on February 26, 2016
Best answer: Very sorry to hear that the comment came from one of your housemates, and that they are reacting so defensively. Feel free to memail me if you want to vent to someone familiar with UK brands of racism and racism-denial (two traits that unsurprisingly go hand in hand). I also think you have no obligation to be walking representative of diversity for the benefit of anyone, unless that's your thing. In my experience, that's one of the most irritating things about being The One Visible Minority Person in a homogenous group -- the sense that just being a person in a place is a job and a responsibility and a gift and etc etc. I can't tell you how much happier I became when I moved to London, and vanished into the herd of varied-looking people going about their business as humans.
posted by Aravis76 at 8:08 AM on February 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Aravis76 at 8:08 AM on February 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry that this is happening and I know it can be so heavy sometimes. I recently had a nice crying session when I became overwhelmed with how ignorant and micro aggressive my white friends were and I guess I had been turning a blind eye. Finding other POC friends or just a meetup or community (I go to Asian markets or poetry slams for black poets and just exist there since it just is nice to not be the minority. Then again I'm half black and Asian so this comes with other nuances of finding a place to fit in, but that's neither here nor there.) is very helpful for my state of being. Sometimes expressing how I feel or how much I hurt to my white friends is also therapeutic, even though they might not completely get it. It might just not be worth being friends with people who are continually and stubbornly ignorant, I could accept friends who are willing to see a different perspective.
posted by buttonedup at 8:28 AM on February 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by buttonedup at 8:28 AM on February 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I've slowly whittled down my group of close friends partly for these reasons, but I'm extremely lucky to be living in a town where I know a lot of people and have the option of doing that without losing all friends. It might be good to create boundaries for these people in your head, like you can talk to them about hobbies and food and whatever, but just give up on anything of substance, similar to talking to a coworker. Don't invest yourself more than that.
For the deeper conversations, maybe try internet groups? I know there have been times when i've had similar issues and metafilter gave me more support than anyone in real life. Maybe that will help you get through the next six months.
Feel free to msg me if you need someone to rant with. I live in a fairly progressive city, but even then, i've had someone ask me where i'm from (china) then tell me they just watched a korean movie that day. O_O
posted by monologish at 9:19 AM on February 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
For the deeper conversations, maybe try internet groups? I know there have been times when i've had similar issues and metafilter gave me more support than anyone in real life. Maybe that will help you get through the next six months.
Feel free to msg me if you need someone to rant with. I live in a fairly progressive city, but even then, i've had someone ask me where i'm from (china) then tell me they just watched a korean movie that day. O_O
posted by monologish at 9:19 AM on February 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Look, if your supposedly progressive white friends are indeed interested in being your friend, they need to get with the program and realize that "ally" is a verb, not just a noun you get to call yourself while not putting it into action. Short of the excellent suggestions for connecting with other POCs either in person or online, and short of moving, I think you have two ways forward: one, if you are invested enough in the friendship to want to work out the issue with them, you need to tell them that their attitudes are hurtful to you, and ask them to become better informed. I read this book last year and found it an excellent introduction to examining one's own white privilege-- if they are even *somewhat* open minded in this regard, that should be a relatively small thing to ask of them. It may be especially helpful to couch it in terms of them getting to know you better (even though it will actually be them getting to know themselves better... details details). You could also keep a cheat sheet of articles on hand for specific points (e.g. try googling "reverse racism doesn't exist"), if getting them to read a textbook is too much. And if you want to start somewhere very gently (not that you should have to, mind you-- but you're a better judge of what your friends might be receptive to), there's always humor, e.g. If Asians Said The Stuff White People Say.
If they are resistant to the above, you have the unfortunate option 2: realize that they are too steeped in their own supremacist worldview to care for you as a friend, and stop expecting them to act differently. In short, you can invite them to be empathetic towards your experience, but if they won't, they're not really going to care enough about you for the friendship to be anything more than a superficial relationship.
posted by shaka_lulu at 9:46 AM on February 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
If they are resistant to the above, you have the unfortunate option 2: realize that they are too steeped in their own supremacist worldview to care for you as a friend, and stop expecting them to act differently. In short, you can invite them to be empathetic towards your experience, but if they won't, they're not really going to care enough about you for the friendship to be anything more than a superficial relationship.
posted by shaka_lulu at 9:46 AM on February 26, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: How horrible for you. I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this. As a teacher at a school with international students, I've seen this happen for years.
One year the local students proposed an "African" theme for a party, with blackface and all. I didn't have African students that semester, but the Asian students could see where it was going and were horrified. I protested, but my colleagues didn't support me. That was then. Since then, I've been fighting casual racism relentlessly, and there is a vast improvement. Students and professors are getting it, slowly. Racism is gradually becoming unacceptable at our institution, and that spills over into private life: local students are much more aware of their language and internalized racism.
Since it seems like you are at school, I suggest that you talk with a professor you think might listen to your worries. Sometimes university staff has no idea what is going on among students, so they can't do anything. I didn't realize the level of racism before the blackface-party, but after I spoke out against it publicly, several Asian students came to me and told of experiences similar to yours. Then I could begin to do something, and authority figures can do things - they can not change the mindset, but they can set rules and define manners.
posted by mumimor at 12:25 PM on February 26, 2016
One year the local students proposed an "African" theme for a party, with blackface and all. I didn't have African students that semester, but the Asian students could see where it was going and were horrified. I protested, but my colleagues didn't support me. That was then. Since then, I've been fighting casual racism relentlessly, and there is a vast improvement. Students and professors are getting it, slowly. Racism is gradually becoming unacceptable at our institution, and that spills over into private life: local students are much more aware of their language and internalized racism.
Since it seems like you are at school, I suggest that you talk with a professor you think might listen to your worries. Sometimes university staff has no idea what is going on among students, so they can't do anything. I didn't realize the level of racism before the blackface-party, but after I spoke out against it publicly, several Asian students came to me and told of experiences similar to yours. Then I could begin to do something, and authority figures can do things - they can not change the mindset, but they can set rules and define manners.
posted by mumimor at 12:25 PM on February 26, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
It's not just about being around more poc, it's also about white people having more exposure to others.
posted by cacao at 5:40 PM on February 25, 2016 [20 favorites]