Emotions for grown ups and toddlers
February 18, 2016 6:10 PM   Subscribe

My toddler is at an age when I should be describing his emotions to him. I am pretty good at happy, shy, excited but I am really bad at describing negative emotions. In counseling, I describe all of my negative emotions as frustrated. The difference between mad and angry is non existent and in my mind those two words are almost the same as frustrated and upset. Please provide resources to explain the differences in these and other feelings.

I pretty much rotate through telling my tantruming toddler he's upset/frustrated/angry/mad. I don't know how to clearly tell which of those I'm feeling. There is no way I can help him learn to label without having a clear label for these things in my mind. Adult books would be awesome. Or websites. Or kids books. We are good on the tantrum stopping. Once he knows I know he's upset and what he wants, he gets a hugh and happily resumes exploring.
posted by Kalmya to Human Relations (13 answers total) 24 users marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: My go to reference: Recognizing Emotions.

The site has a lot more depth than it looks at first. Keep clicking.
posted by SMPA at 6:27 PM on February 18, 2016 [7 favorites]


Best answer: I think the difference between upset/frustrated/angry/mad is very individualized. If you're toddler's tantruming and you're not sure why I don't think labeling it upset vs. frustrated vs. angry is going to make a huge difference. If you have an idea why kiddo is experiencing a negative emotion you may be able to interpret from there (Are you frustrated because you can't fit those toys together? Are you cranky because you missed your nap? Are you angry because she took your toy?). Your kid will eventually grow up and be able to figure out how these distinctions apply to them.
Personally, I'm having a hard time imaging a scenario where (as an adult, working in mental health) I'm angry but frustrated and upset would not also apply.
posted by arrmatie at 6:27 PM on February 18, 2016 [6 favorites]


I often say "you're feeling some strong emotions right now." I don't think the label has to be exactly right to convey the empathy a kid needs when they're in the middle of an emotional storm.
posted by tchemgrrl at 7:44 PM on February 18, 2016 [8 favorites]


Best answer: FWIW, I had no idea there was any difference between "angry" and "mad" until I looked it up just now. I thought it was just a formality thing ("angry" being more formal). I consider myself a halfway-decently-adjusted adult, and I'm raising a halfway-decently-adjusted school-aged kid, so maybe it's okay if you don't clearly distinguish between those for your toddler yet.
posted by cogitron at 8:51 PM on February 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


Yeah, when we need to talk about calming down due to feelings we just say "I have a lot of feelings right now." I don't think it's required to be able to name them precisely.
posted by town of cats at 8:58 PM on February 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Something it can be helpful to see whether or not there are propositions that sit behind the emotion. Those can be hard to get at, but usually we have a belief about a situation that prompts it.

For example, consider the possibility that anger can be frustration + disappointment.

If I have a feeling, and I know that it's prompted by something not coming about that I was hoping (say, a loved one treating me with respect), and also I find it internally grating that I can't change my circumstances (say, things never change no matter how hard I try), I can understand that these two feelings can prompt a strong and aggressive emotional response.

This was a rough example, and there are other ways to define anger. But the point is that sometimes by knowing what a proposition is that prompts a feeling, you can start carving your emotional world at the joints (so to speak) to gets at its basic components, and you can give those things more accurate labels. I do think a major difficulty in doing so (and it's not insignificant) is getting at what proposition we are believing about the world that triggers the internal feeling, as those events sometimes feel like secret and mysterious things.
posted by SpacemanStix at 9:51 PM on February 18, 2016


Best answer: Do you have Milo the Mouse (and friends)? That's what the books are designed for.
posted by Toddles at 10:32 PM on February 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


As a mom, you want to be able to distinguish between being mad/angry and a tantrum. A tantrum is a storm of emotion that the child doesn't understand and can't control. The correct response is to soothe the child as you would if he/she were crying after taking a fall. Don't get angry yourself, don't fight with child. And, don't give in to what the child is tantruming about. With luck, the child may get over the tantrum stage in a couple weeks (as my son did), and go on to more complex behaviors (which may be harder to deal with, but which are not so unpleasant).
posted by SemiSalt at 6:56 AM on February 19, 2016


Best answer: Not a book but the fairly new children's movie "Inside Out" has mesmerized my four year old, it might be good to watch when your toddler is older, it covers the 5 primary emotions (including sad and mad).
posted by lafemma at 7:08 AM on February 19, 2016


Best answer: Happy Hippo, Angry Duck is great. For both toddlers and adults. Read it with feeling.
posted by clawsoon at 7:22 AM on February 19, 2016


Best answer: There are lots of feelings charts online, with faces that match the labeled emotion. I have lived a couple places that have kept these charts on the fridge (one was in French, for extra fun and learning).

"Inside Out" also teaches that emotional labor is done by women. When you get to look at the emotions inside the men in that movie, they're undeveloped and two-dimensional. I would hesitate to show that movie to a child unless I felt confident I could point that out to them.
posted by aniola at 12:14 PM on February 19, 2016 [2 favorites]


I work with little kids, and it sounds like you're doing great! I think the precise terms aren't as important as your son feeling like he's heard and understood. A couple of book recommendations for you:

In My Heart: A Book of Feelings
explores both positive and negative emotions. The writing is very poetic and lyrical while also being toddler-appropriate. Plus: fun cut-outs! Kids love cut-outs.

Smudge's Grumpy Day
is about a little mouse who wakes up in a bad mood and shouts at her caregiver. Later she cheers up and they reunite. I really like it because it honors Smudge's feelings, and also shows her caregiver giving her appropriate space. The kids at my job really love it, especially when they're having difficult days.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 9:52 PM on February 19, 2016 [2 favorites]


Best answer: Have you ever seen a Feelings Wheel before? They've helped me figure out what I was feeling, because they basically give you categories of emotions that get more and more fine-grained. The one I linked to is for adults, but there are kids ones too that are a little simpler.
posted by colfax at 6:43 PM on February 20, 2016 [1 favorite]


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