How to move parents to a retirement community?

December 17, 2005 10:54 AM

How can I convince my parents to move to a retirement community?

I visited my mom and dad these last few days and I think it's time for them to move to a retirement community. They live about 20 miles from a hospital and doctors visits, which they do a lot of, and specialists are 50 miles away and my mother is very nervous about driving and my father can't drive at all anymore. My father had a mild stroke last year and is on oxygen 24 hours a day. The house is beginning to fall into disrepair. It's not too bad but they are unable to care for a 10 acre farm like they once could. But I can tell in another year or so things will get out of hand.

I live 5 hours away by car and have other siblings who have the same driving distance. The closest sister is 2 hours away. So it's not always easy to get to them and help out as much as I would like.

My mother brought up the idea but my father will have no discussion about it. There are several nice ones in the town that is 20 miles away. Anyone dealt with this? Any suggestions?

posted by jamie939 to Human Relations (17 answers total)

I haven't dealt with it, but would one sort-of solution be to talk with their physician so that he could prod them in the direction of a retirement community?
posted by slater at 11:03 AM on December 17, 2005

Stability can mean a lot to elderly people. While moving would surely give them access to better medical care, the resulting anxiety and depression about being uprooted can contribute to mental and physical decline. It's essentially a tradeoff between living longer and living happier. That's a choice that they, not you, need to make.

They will know when they are ready. And they know that you have made the option available to them. So trust them to let you know when it's time. In the meantime, on your next visit you should meet with their primary care doctors and get their input on the overall state of their health. It would also not be a bad idea to get a referral to a geriatric care specialist, who is trained in dealing with both mental and physical health of the elderly.

Good luck.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 11:06 AM on December 17, 2005

What about hiring a caretaker, someone who can keep an eye on the farm and your parents? Can you and your sibs pool your resources toward that end?
posted by Gator at 11:20 AM on December 17, 2005

You could start dropping subtle hints, such as "you'd better fix that barn soon, or we're gonna send you to that retirement home."

Not very funny, I know (although a lot hinges on timing and intonation).
posted by sour cream at 12:02 PM on December 17, 2005

Delicately.

Maybe suggest downsizing, ie small house or apartment closer to the medical amenties rather than a retirement village.

Have discussions been had with siblings, I believe caring for aged parents should be shared.
posted by Chimp at 12:19 PM on December 17, 2005

What Gator said. Great idea!
posted by By The Grace of God at 12:26 PM on December 17, 2005

Best answer: This is a really hard thing to do. Mainly because it depends on how your parents (your father seems to be less inclined) feel about leaving their longtime home and moving to a new and unfamiliar place. No matter how nicely groomed and pretty a retirement community may look to you, it could just look like a side trip to the end for them.

The hard, sad truth about this time in your parents' lives is that they will steadily get worse and be more dependent. I know this, because I am going through this with my SO's mother.

I think you should start by telling your father that you need to sit down and talk about the future. You should have all your siblings there, and the tone of the "meeting" should be loving and that you intend to mainly discover their needs and listen and try to figure out a solution together. It's important to have your siblings, and any grandchildren that are old enough to be there, to be supportive, and make useful contributions to the discussion.

All of you should meet beforehand first so you will all have a chance to say what you are really feeling, discharge any anger or fear or negative feelings, and support each other in that. Then, come to some sort of consensus. This does not mean an agenda, it means you all come to some peace about how to approach your parents, and you maybe have three or four options for the outcome of your sitdown with your parents.

The meeting should not be made to seem like it is going to be cold, hard or any of that. It should be clear that it is the beginning of a series of discussions where you are ALL working together to help your parents figure out what they need at this time in their lives. If you can, make it fun, serve food or coffee to make it seem like a coffeeklatch, not a confrontation, and try to shower them with love and affection, and always listen and ask questions about their needs and wants. You should not have an agenda. This should be a gentle, open ended discussion, filled with love. If your father gets nervous or is resistant, just keep telling him, "It's okay. Nobody is going to do anything. This is just a conversation to figure out how to help you and Mom the best."

The best thing of all you can do during these talks, is have a sense of humor , laughter will help. When my brother and I started these discussions with my mother, who is a nurse, we joked that there was a nursing home near my house that she could work at, and one day, when she was too old and tired to go home, she could just crawl in a bed and stay. I'm not saying your parents will find that as funny as my mother did, but laughter is one of the best ways to make these discussions seem less heavy handed.

Anyway, you can plan on this process taking a few months to a year.

My brother and I had informal discussions for a year about moving my mother to California (near us), before we started speaking to her about it. A year is a long time, but we would have fears, questions, need more info, and it wasn't urgent. Then we would all be together for some family visit and the three of us would go get a coffee at Starbucks with the express point of talking about this idea and our expectations, etc.

My brother and I are both non-confrontational people, so we overdo in terms of giving my mother her say, and expressing her needs. Anyway, we made the decision together and I moved my mother within 10 blocks of me about 3 years ago.

Since then, we now have moved on to, "what will happen when you are unable to care for yourself?' "what do you want, or dream as the perfect way to handle this?" It's a fluid, ongoing discussion. It's not even that we talk about it that often, but I think my brother and I have been as loving and open to listening as one could be, and this has made my mother feel like she can honestly ask for things she feels she may need later.

Good luck, and be patient, always keep love foremost in your intentions and you will do fine.
posted by joaniemcchicken at 12:29 PM on December 17, 2005

Best answer: My grandfather lived on some open land by himself until his wife died. He is in good health for a 92 year old man but can no longer drive, so he's begun to live with my parents. He really, really misses being up in the mountains on his own land, and it has taken a toll on his mood and health. He's just about the sweetest, most tolerant person I have ever known to be born, though, so it's hard to relate his experiences to most people's. I don't think he likes living in suburbia, but he's thankful to be around family and tries to be a good guest. He's got his own cat, his own room, and an exercycle to work out on. My mom feeds his hobbies and keeps the football games turned up loud. Every few months she takes him up to his place (5 hours away by car) and spends some time with him there. I spent a long weekend with him there once.

I'm really not sure what he'd think about a retirement home. He has mentioned the option, and said that he might like to have some social access to people from his area who are about the same age as he. Perhaps that's one angle you could use to sell the concept.

Unfortunately, I don't think that people often have a change of heart about this kind of thing until something drastic happens. You should talk about some emergency scenarios with them and ask them how they would handle them. What would happen if your mom failed her next driving test? Or if one of them was injured in the home?

You can't really force this idea on anyone, but you can let them know that they are taking risks which make you really nervous, and you'd like to see them be more safe.

Also: I would continue the subject over a long period of time and repeated conversations. It's not the kind of thing they will accept quickly. Respect their autonomy, but be persistent over time. DONT make it into a you vs. them ideological battle. Give them time to come around.
posted by scarabic at 12:34 PM on December 17, 2005

Old people, God love em, can be stubborn butts.

The caretaker idea might be the best BUT screen, screen screen. There are people out there who prey on older folk.

But if they have someone who can be a trustworthy handyman/driver, it might buy them some quality time in their own surroundings. And that is really worth its weight in gold.
posted by konolia at 12:36 PM on December 17, 2005

Response by poster: Let me clarify....I am talking about a retirment community, not a retirement home....They would have their own house, kitchen, yard, car, etc...and would be in the town they have lived in forever. But they would be closer to town, doctors, hospital etc.

And they would be with other people who grew up in that community and would probably enjoy the companionship. There would be activities and outings, a recreation hall, and a nurse on staff...
posted by jamie939 at 12:46 PM on December 17, 2005

A couple of people have mentioned relatives who saw the retirement home as "the beginning of the end," so I just wanted to offer another perspective.

My great-grandmother was old and not doing well and not socializing much. Most of her friends were dead and she just sat at home all day. My aunt and grandmother moved her to a retirement community and all of a sudden she had friends and things to do, and she was much, much happier.

In her case, the "retirement home" was something like an apartment complex where the workers would help the residents out as much as they needed while letting them be as independent as they could.

My grandfather also enjoyed the social aspect of things when he had to stay at "the club" after a couple of hospitalizations, although he did prefer living in his own house with help.
posted by clarahamster at 12:58 PM on December 17, 2005

Response by poster: We are working on this amongst my brothers and sisters...there are 6 of us and our parents have always been at the center of our lives.

We plan to introduce this slowly....over a years period and make the decision period open ended with them finally making the decision. No deadlines, hard choices or anything like that.

An apartment is a good idea, or another, smaller house closer to town. My mother likes the idea of a community of people her age and the companionship that would create. My father will, in the end, go along with what my mothers wishes are, he is just being stubborn right now....But, that's OK, we are not judging him.
posted by jamie939 at 12:59 PM on December 17, 2005

It seems to me that if your parents stay in their own house for as long as they can, some problems will have to be solved. Some of these can be predicted. For example, the place needs to be maintained. There house has to be somewhat clean and orderly. They need to see their doctors.

I suggest you sit down with your parents and tell them you're concerned about all the stuff they aren't going to be able to do the way they used to. How do they want to handle it? Discuss specific matters: transportation, shoveling snow, whatever applies.

They will either come up with enough ideas, or they will agree that one of these days they're going to have to move. Maybe you can get them to think about what conditions would make them believe it was time to leave.

If they refuse to address the issues of their old age, you might just have to let them be until they really can't continue. That would create a lot of unnecessary cost (in deterioration of the property) and risk of injury. It'll also hang over your head and cause a lot of uncertainty for everyone. But really, it's their farm, their lives.
posted by wryly at 1:05 PM on December 17, 2005

Basically an "add-on" to joaniemachicken's approach, and my experience (so far) with my folks. Also, a helpful book, (clear, concise, practical, and with a good attitude about the parents as decision-makers) is The Caregiver's Manual by Gene Williams and Patie Kay, Citadel Press.

When in their 80's, my folk's health problems were increasing, and their ability to keep up with the upkeep of their suburban house, yard, even with a cleaner every two weeks, was getting to be a lot for them; yet they liked their independence. Us kids were worried that there'd be a sudden need for care.

So we came up with the idea together to research places so there would be a "menu of choices" for different levels of care that they had seen and approved before a need came up. Also, they could get on waiting lists if that was an issue. (They are on a waiting list that they "keep pending" when their name comes up.) This was helpful as their original plan had been for a place that was only a fit if one of them died, not for both living. Humor was good here, "Where's the spouse go, in the trunk?" (they can laugh). They could ask friends for ideas, and we drove them around to see places. The county Elder Services offices was a good resource, and also has a special elder bus service for people with medical problems (like my folks).

To our surprise, they found an apartment they liked. They sold their house, and became renters near stores and buses. Their apartment complex has a full-time manager and they've hired a housekeeper/driver who lives in the same complex. At some point they will need to move again, but it will be simpler.

It's worked out, though it hasn't been simple as it sounds here, as my mom had a heart attack the day they moved. It's a long process with new decisions and health issues all the time. But they are happy with the decisions.
posted by teacha at 2:15 PM on December 17, 2005

Oh - and don't overlook the "3rd way" in this picture:

"Retirement communities" are expensive and you could consider hiring some in-home care for them where they are. It doesn't have to be 100% full time right now if that's not what they need. And believe me, it's not easy finding good help. Your parents will probably have tons of complaints about anyone you are able to find. But they will have tons of complaints about the staff at any retirement home, too.

And to bring the care to them rather than displacing them from their home, can be so much easier for them.
posted by scarabic at 5:00 PM on December 17, 2005

It may take some time for your dad to be ready. There may need to be interim measures. Could he lease out some of the farming? If he's still actively farming, and if there's reception, a cell phone is a great emergency tool.

There should be services for the elderly in their community. They will know what's available, and should be able to give you informed advice.

It's hard; the decision looks clear to you, but your Dad doesn't see it.
posted by theora55 at 8:59 PM on December 17, 2005

There's some great advice in this thread, but I have to add: don't expect a retirement community to solve all the problems either. My mother lives in one, and you'd be amazed at what is and isn't included. YMMV, but I am sure that her retirement community wouldn't take her 50 miles to see specialists. Unfortunately, getting a driver to actually take any of the residents anywhere is like pulling teeth, and so all these 80+ people are out driving around.

If your parents do decide to move to one, comparison shop and look at them very carefully with your parents before deciding. You and your siblings will also need to factor location into your conversation with your parents; will one of you move? Is there a place near one of you where your parents will be happy? My mother fell and broke her pelvis this fall; I really had to be with her for at least an hour and usually more every day, retirement community or no retirement community.
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:31 PM on December 17, 2005