Wait, Is That Really What You Think of Me?!
February 9, 2016 2:46 PM Subscribe
How can I become more aware of the impression I'm leaving on people? How can I make sure I leave a better impression on people in my life? details and examples inside.
Recently, I've had a few unrelated incidents of realizing that people have impressions of me that I would not have wanted them to have. My supervisor at work made an offhand comment that I am argumentative, and I believe a teacher of mine thinks I hate the subject matter, when really I am just frustrated at not mastering it yet. I've had other experiences like this, where I think I'm presenting my best version of myself and then am surprised (not in a good way) by someone's feedback (direct or indirect) of how they perceive me. This is more of a concern in long-term, ongoing relationships and less of an issue with brief first impressions (which I'm better at).
I do try to project a positive, ideal me, but if things come up in conversation, I also want to convey my opinion or my thoughts, even if they're not always "100%-bubbly-everything's-perfect" comments - how else does anything ever get discussed honestly? Is it possible that off-hand remarks that to me are just minor comments have way more impact than I think? If so, how do I fix this?
This is troubling me so much that I want to just take a vow of silence and never speak again, but obviously that's not super realistic. I will take ANY advice or thoughts you may have about this, suggestions, books to read - anything! How can I leave better impressions while still being true to myself???
Recently, I've had a few unrelated incidents of realizing that people have impressions of me that I would not have wanted them to have. My supervisor at work made an offhand comment that I am argumentative, and I believe a teacher of mine thinks I hate the subject matter, when really I am just frustrated at not mastering it yet. I've had other experiences like this, where I think I'm presenting my best version of myself and then am surprised (not in a good way) by someone's feedback (direct or indirect) of how they perceive me. This is more of a concern in long-term, ongoing relationships and less of an issue with brief first impressions (which I'm better at).
I do try to project a positive, ideal me, but if things come up in conversation, I also want to convey my opinion or my thoughts, even if they're not always "100%-bubbly-everything's-perfect" comments - how else does anything ever get discussed honestly? Is it possible that off-hand remarks that to me are just minor comments have way more impact than I think? If so, how do I fix this?
This is troubling me so much that I want to just take a vow of silence and never speak again, but obviously that's not super realistic. I will take ANY advice or thoughts you may have about this, suggestions, books to read - anything! How can I leave better impressions while still being true to myself???
I'd ask friends and family members you interact with first and foremost for specific suggestions and observations. I'd state what you said here and see if they have any tips to share with you. It can be hard hearing truly honest feedback and some won't feel comfortable giving it but if you do trust their advice, truly listen, and try to apply it, then it's a great start! I'd ask in person when you were both in a relaxed situation, and request just one tip for starters.
There are also a lot of good books on conversation skills and presenting your best self: I'd go to the library and see what interests you in the self-help section. You could also consider seeing a counselor short-term for some professional advice and feedback. Perhaps you could even check if your Employee Assistance Program covers this? I'm not sure your supervisor is necessarily the person to go to for advice but I'm sure they'd support your openness to improvement.
posted by smorgasbord at 3:04 PM on February 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
There are also a lot of good books on conversation skills and presenting your best self: I'd go to the library and see what interests you in the self-help section. You could also consider seeing a counselor short-term for some professional advice and feedback. Perhaps you could even check if your Employee Assistance Program covers this? I'm not sure your supervisor is necessarily the person to go to for advice but I'm sure they'd support your openness to improvement.
posted by smorgasbord at 3:04 PM on February 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
I've been you. I thought I was being funny, what I was doing was being inappropriately sarcastic. It blew my mind.
Here are a couple of things that really helped turn it around for me.
Asking three questions:
1. Does this need to be said?
2. Does this need to be said by me?
3. Does this need to be said by me right now?
Honestly, I solved 75% of the problem by deciding just to STFU.
Instead of being negative for a laugh, or to show how intelligent you are, be positive. Or again, say nothing.
It sounds like in trying to gain understanding that you're asking questions in such a way that people feel that they have to defend themselves, or that you outright disagree with someone.
Dial it back. Wait until after class or when you're in private and apologize first. "I'm sorry, I need to get more information so that I can understand and I didn't want to derail the discussion."
That's what the problem might be. You're so intent on drilling down, down, down that it's coming off as trying to catch the other person in a mistake.
And yes, it never hurts to be quiet.
As for giving your opinion, if it's friendly give and take in discussion, fine. But give people space to disagree with you, or to save face, or just to state their opinion too is the whole idea. Don't dominate or insist that others see it your way.
But it took me way too long to learn that in school and work situations, no one appreciates Cassandra. No one.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:04 PM on February 9, 2016 [20 favorites]
Here are a couple of things that really helped turn it around for me.
Asking three questions:
1. Does this need to be said?
2. Does this need to be said by me?
3. Does this need to be said by me right now?
Honestly, I solved 75% of the problem by deciding just to STFU.
Instead of being negative for a laugh, or to show how intelligent you are, be positive. Or again, say nothing.
It sounds like in trying to gain understanding that you're asking questions in such a way that people feel that they have to defend themselves, or that you outright disagree with someone.
Dial it back. Wait until after class or when you're in private and apologize first. "I'm sorry, I need to get more information so that I can understand and I didn't want to derail the discussion."
That's what the problem might be. You're so intent on drilling down, down, down that it's coming off as trying to catch the other person in a mistake.
And yes, it never hurts to be quiet.
As for giving your opinion, if it's friendly give and take in discussion, fine. But give people space to disagree with you, or to save face, or just to state their opinion too is the whole idea. Don't dominate or insist that others see it your way.
But it took me way too long to learn that in school and work situations, no one appreciates Cassandra. No one.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:04 PM on February 9, 2016 [20 favorites]
As for your interaction with the professor, we could probably coach you on your tone and phrasing. I'm a teacher who deals with teens all day, so I'm experienced with this and glad to give you specific feedback. A lot of it is less about what you say and more about how you're saying it as well as timing. Fortunately, it's something you can totally change for the better with a bit of effort!
posted by smorgasbord at 3:08 PM on February 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by smorgasbord at 3:08 PM on February 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
Honest discussions are not always welcome. Frustration with yourself can easily be perceived as frustration with others. The off-hand remarks are not as off-hand as you might like.
For myself, in these situations, it tends to come down to me wanting to be the smartest person in the room, to be the clever one. If I'm not, then I get upset with myself, which is taken as an insult to others because it absolutely is one: there should be no shame in my not dominating the moment. I try to catch myself, try to listen, try to engage without offering my own opinion first.
posted by RainyJay at 3:10 PM on February 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
For myself, in these situations, it tends to come down to me wanting to be the smartest person in the room, to be the clever one. If I'm not, then I get upset with myself, which is taken as an insult to others because it absolutely is one: there should be no shame in my not dominating the moment. I try to catch myself, try to listen, try to engage without offering my own opinion first.
posted by RainyJay at 3:10 PM on February 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
Yes, actually, aiming to be 100% positive is pretty much what you have to do. You won't be 100% positive, but you'll be closer. Right now you may be aiming for 85% positive and you've actually like only 70% positive without realizing it. People need like a crazy 10-to-1 positive to negative comment ratio to maintain likability IME. It's irrational and unfair but that's how the human mind works- it latches and holds on to one negative comment far more than one positive comment.
Think about what politicians do. They constantly need to project smoothness, smiles, confidence, energy, and likability. They need to be able to state their goals in a positive way without undermining their opponents too much. The undermining approach can work, but only temporarily- eventually someone will be like, "But what do YOU stand for? I know xyz other guy is terrible. But why are YOU better?"
You also need to learn to express negativity and disagreement in the sneakiest, most positive and win-win way possible. It took me a really long time to do this in adult life and I'm still learning. It helps to literally write it down. The first draft is an angry screed of how much xyz is stupid and you hate it/them. The second is a more genteel and nuanced criticism. The third is a generous and polite narrative in which xyz has their own goals that are TOTALLY reasonable, valid and understandable, but your goals do not align and your goals are more important/urgent because abc, and isn't that a shame. The fourth is, "Isn't it wonderful that xyz and I communicated so well and know so clearly what our positions are? Now we can both do what is right and move one."
Seriously, they don't teach this stuff in school or to kids anymore because when you argue in English or Philosophy class it's all dead dudes/ladies that can't fight back. Arguing with real living people takes an enormous amount of finesse. If you really do it right, you get what you want and make the other person happy to give it to you.
posted by quincunx at 3:14 PM on February 9, 2016 [7 favorites]
Think about what politicians do. They constantly need to project smoothness, smiles, confidence, energy, and likability. They need to be able to state their goals in a positive way without undermining their opponents too much. The undermining approach can work, but only temporarily- eventually someone will be like, "But what do YOU stand for? I know xyz other guy is terrible. But why are YOU better?"
You also need to learn to express negativity and disagreement in the sneakiest, most positive and win-win way possible. It took me a really long time to do this in adult life and I'm still learning. It helps to literally write it down. The first draft is an angry screed of how much xyz is stupid and you hate it/them. The second is a more genteel and nuanced criticism. The third is a generous and polite narrative in which xyz has their own goals that are TOTALLY reasonable, valid and understandable, but your goals do not align and your goals are more important/urgent because abc, and isn't that a shame. The fourth is, "Isn't it wonderful that xyz and I communicated so well and know so clearly what our positions are? Now we can both do what is right and move one."
Seriously, they don't teach this stuff in school or to kids anymore because when you argue in English or Philosophy class it's all dead dudes/ladies that can't fight back. Arguing with real living people takes an enormous amount of finesse. If you really do it right, you get what you want and make the other person happy to give it to you.
posted by quincunx at 3:14 PM on February 9, 2016 [7 favorites]
Impression management is a neverending black hole that can really consume you if you give in to it too much. I spent years agonizing over it until I got a therapist who was determined to get me to be the authentic, kind person everyone knew I was. The key word there is authentic, though. There are times to get angry and represent your feelings as they are instead of making them palatable to the people around you. I think that if you are feeling like you need to be extreme and take a vow of silence (which I relate to, even if you meant that in a hyperbolic way), you should consider seeking out a therapist trained in CBT to help you present yourself to others without it becoming a full time job.
posted by Hermione Granger at 3:21 PM on February 9, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 3:21 PM on February 9, 2016 [10 favorites]
I am very uncomfortable with a queue of people lining up to advise, even with the obvious caveats, that the answer to this perceived problem is to smile more, be more positive, and apologise more. This is sounding dangerously close to "fold yourself into the palatable box assigned to you as a woman." Don't fucking do that. Don't bury your opinion in the middle of a positive shit sandwich, or smile more so you're more ingratiating, or hedge or couch or any of that.
You can have strong opinions without dominating and leave room for other people. One of the best ways to do this is with questions. "Well, I disagree with that because X" or "I think we should Y" followed by "Have you seen any research on that?" or "Do you think that's a valid viewpoint?" or when someone is flat out wrong I offer "Would you like me to share some data on that with you?"
posted by DarlingBri at 3:50 PM on February 9, 2016 [15 favorites]
You can have strong opinions without dominating and leave room for other people. One of the best ways to do this is with questions. "Well, I disagree with that because X" or "I think we should Y" followed by "Have you seen any research on that?" or "Do you think that's a valid viewpoint?" or when someone is flat out wrong I offer "Would you like me to share some data on that with you?"
posted by DarlingBri at 3:50 PM on February 9, 2016 [15 favorites]
First of all, this may not be your problem. (Apologies if I've misgendered you based on your username, but tbh this is the first thing I thought before I even saw your handle. Keep in mind underrepresented minorities get hit by this too)
Men and women are described differently in reviews. Facebook has a pretty good 101 level tutorial on how unconscious biases can affect your perception of a person. That being said, it's probably a good idea for your long term success to learn how to manage these things. But if you are, for example, seeing other people behave a certain way but getting very different feedback for doing the same things, this could be the reason for it.
Tone and phrasing are important. Women are much more strongly penalized for speaking up and speaking directly. It is up to you to decide whether you want to moderate your speech and behavior to accommodate other people's biases, especially if behaving according to the model of what you should act like will also make it harder for you to get recognized for your achievements.
Best of luck to you.
posted by hindmost at 3:52 PM on February 9, 2016 [7 favorites]
Men and women are described differently in reviews. Facebook has a pretty good 101 level tutorial on how unconscious biases can affect your perception of a person. That being said, it's probably a good idea for your long term success to learn how to manage these things. But if you are, for example, seeing other people behave a certain way but getting very different feedback for doing the same things, this could be the reason for it.
Tone and phrasing are important. Women are much more strongly penalized for speaking up and speaking directly. It is up to you to decide whether you want to moderate your speech and behavior to accommodate other people's biases, especially if behaving according to the model of what you should act like will also make it harder for you to get recognized for your achievements.
Best of luck to you.
posted by hindmost at 3:52 PM on February 9, 2016 [7 favorites]
You aren't ever going to be liked all the time by everyone. I am often dumbfounded by what other people think of me. It never ceases to amaze me the partial bits of information that stick and dominate the minds of other people. So, to some extent, you just have to accept that people are routinely going to have impressions of you that do not sync up with your self image.
That doesn't mean you can't learn to come across better or that there is nothing you can or should do to work on polishing your presentation. But your brief description does not really lend itself well to good advice for how to do that.
Having said that, I will note that excess honesty is usually not a way to win people over. I am excessively honest and learning to be genuine and truthful and honest without (for example) giving everyone my unvarnished opinion of their shortcomings has been a challenge. Honesty can be a virtue, but, no, people do not need your unedited opinions of everything, every minute. That will tend to go over poorly.
If your honest opinion is kind, compassionate, and understanding, that will be more palatable. But that has its own downside. People may count on you for a level of feel-good interaction that you cannot always deliver.
If you value both honesty and manners, as noted above, sometimes discretion is the better part of valor. That can basically mean keeping your mouth shut more than you do now.
posted by Michele in California at 4:09 PM on February 9, 2016
That doesn't mean you can't learn to come across better or that there is nothing you can or should do to work on polishing your presentation. But your brief description does not really lend itself well to good advice for how to do that.
Having said that, I will note that excess honesty is usually not a way to win people over. I am excessively honest and learning to be genuine and truthful and honest without (for example) giving everyone my unvarnished opinion of their shortcomings has been a challenge. Honesty can be a virtue, but, no, people do not need your unedited opinions of everything, every minute. That will tend to go over poorly.
If your honest opinion is kind, compassionate, and understanding, that will be more palatable. But that has its own downside. People may count on you for a level of feel-good interaction that you cannot always deliver.
If you value both honesty and manners, as noted above, sometimes discretion is the better part of valor. That can basically mean keeping your mouth shut more than you do now.
posted by Michele in California at 4:09 PM on February 9, 2016
Phrasing.
It all comes down to phrasing.
Person A: this is my stupid idea!!
Old You: that's stupid and will never work and here are the reasons why.
New You: interesting. I'm worried that it won't work out because [reasons why]. Have you considered how you will address [reasons why]?
Boom. Argumentativeness gone.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:40 PM on February 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
It all comes down to phrasing.
Person A: this is my stupid idea!!
Old You: that's stupid and will never work and here are the reasons why.
New You: interesting. I'm worried that it won't work out because [reasons why]. Have you considered how you will address [reasons why]?
Boom. Argumentativeness gone.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:40 PM on February 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
I know this sounds overly simplistic, but I wonder if reading about Eeyore vs. Tigger on the Happiness Project might be helpful. (I think I just recommended the Happier podcast the other day. I'm just into right now). Your description as not wanting to be "100% bubbly positive all the time" makes me think you might have Eeyore tendencies. Not because you should always be positive, but because you might be viewing positivity, or anything other than negativity, as fake. That optimistic people are just not seeing the whole picture - that they'll be glad to be corrected! But positivity is not always fake. People who are positive are truly just positive sometimes. For me, that was an obvious but somehow enlightening thing to realize!
Anyway, you could check out this quiz or some of the site's articles about how to communicate with eeyores and tiggers. (The cynic in you may be criticizing these titles, but you asked for resources and I think it's a decent starting point).
posted by areaperson at 4:53 PM on February 9, 2016 [3 favorites]
Anyway, you could check out this quiz or some of the site's articles about how to communicate with eeyores and tiggers. (The cynic in you may be criticizing these titles, but you asked for resources and I think it's a decent starting point).
posted by areaperson at 4:53 PM on February 9, 2016 [3 favorites]
Seems like you feel like you have to "project a positive, ideal" you, except when you're being honest. And I'm imagining that "honest," to you, comes across as bitter or angry to others.
I think there's a happy medium. First of all, drop the "ideal you" act. If you're happy-bubbly and suddenly bitingly sarcastic, the happy seems fake and the sarcasm seems jarring.
And then I think that you can tone down the offhand comments by just being respectful to the person you're talking to and thinking about how your comments would make them feel. And rather than complaining about a thing, talk about its impact on you. If you think you're expressing your frustration but you're saying, "This sucks, I hate this," then your teacher may feel insulted or upset because clearly their efforts are going to waste. But if instead you said, "I'm so frustrated, I feel like I'm just not getting this even though I'm trying," your teacher would probably understand and maybe even be motivated to help you. Likewise, if you're saying to your supervisor, "But I did it the way you told me," that comes across as argumentative. But if you say, "I thought this was what you told me to do, and to be honest I'm still not sure why it's wrong. Can you help me understand what I should be doing instead?" you're still getting your point across, but you're asking for help and clarification rather than arguing.
posted by chickenmagazine at 5:42 PM on February 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
I think there's a happy medium. First of all, drop the "ideal you" act. If you're happy-bubbly and suddenly bitingly sarcastic, the happy seems fake and the sarcasm seems jarring.
And then I think that you can tone down the offhand comments by just being respectful to the person you're talking to and thinking about how your comments would make them feel. And rather than complaining about a thing, talk about its impact on you. If you think you're expressing your frustration but you're saying, "This sucks, I hate this," then your teacher may feel insulted or upset because clearly their efforts are going to waste. But if instead you said, "I'm so frustrated, I feel like I'm just not getting this even though I'm trying," your teacher would probably understand and maybe even be motivated to help you. Likewise, if you're saying to your supervisor, "But I did it the way you told me," that comes across as argumentative. But if you say, "I thought this was what you told me to do, and to be honest I'm still not sure why it's wrong. Can you help me understand what I should be doing instead?" you're still getting your point across, but you're asking for help and clarification rather than arguing.
posted by chickenmagazine at 5:42 PM on February 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
I also want to convey my opinion or my thoughts, even if they're not always "100%-bubbly-everything's-perfect" comments
I find that people who have this attitude seem to think their comments are somehow more valid because they're not sugar coating them or they express negative emotions along with them. A lot of times people describe someone as argumentative when they are really just tired of listening to them talk or the angry/ condescending vibe. Even if the person is making a decent point.
If you continue arguing for something it's clear the group has already dismissed or get way too personal remember it's just not that important. I have a co-worker who sees themselves as "cutting through the bullshit" but the rest of us see him as Captain Obvious and we are tired of listening to him expound. I mean, if you bring every argument back around to the sky being blue you technically always win but..........
I'm very blunt. I dream of moving to Germany so I can be myself. But I don't get called argumentative ~at work~ because I don't make people listen to monologues they have no interest in and I know when to make a stand and when to let stuff slide. Be succinct and unemotional with your blunt opinions. If you can't then re-consider whether you've thought them through enough to express.
Remember blunt and succinct/ neutral= incisive but blunt & long-winded/ angry = pompous or condescending. Even if you are largely saying the same thing.
posted by fshgrl at 8:55 PM on February 9, 2016 [3 favorites]
I find that people who have this attitude seem to think their comments are somehow more valid because they're not sugar coating them or they express negative emotions along with them. A lot of times people describe someone as argumentative when they are really just tired of listening to them talk or the angry/ condescending vibe. Even if the person is making a decent point.
If you continue arguing for something it's clear the group has already dismissed or get way too personal remember it's just not that important. I have a co-worker who sees themselves as "cutting through the bullshit" but the rest of us see him as Captain Obvious and we are tired of listening to him expound. I mean, if you bring every argument back around to the sky being blue you technically always win but..........
I'm very blunt. I dream of moving to Germany so I can be myself. But I don't get called argumentative ~at work~ because I don't make people listen to monologues they have no interest in and I know when to make a stand and when to let stuff slide. Be succinct and unemotional with your blunt opinions. If you can't then re-consider whether you've thought them through enough to express.
Remember blunt and succinct/ neutral= incisive but blunt & long-winded/ angry = pompous or condescending. Even if you are largely saying the same thing.
posted by fshgrl at 8:55 PM on February 9, 2016 [3 favorites]
Counterpoint:
I am very uncomfortable with a queue of people lining up to advise, even with the obvious caveats, that the answer to this perceived problem is to smile more, be more positive, and apologise more. This is sounding dangerously close to "fold yourself into the palatable box assigned to you as a woman." Don't fucking do that. Don't bury your opinion in the middle of a positive shit sandwich, or smile more so you're more ingratiating, or hedge or couch or any of that.
OP, I hope you don't take this advice if you are a woman.
I am very uncomfortable with women giving you this kind of advice, not to mention the tone it comes with because it confounds multiple issues in one paragraph and link and disregards extremely useful advice in one broad stroke.
I do try to project a positive, ideal me, but if things come up in conversation, I also want to convey my opinion or my thoughts, even if they're not always "100%-bubbly-everything's-perfect" comments - how else does anything ever get discussed honestly? Is it possible that off-hand remarks that to me are just minor comments have way more impact than I think? If so, how do I fix this?
What you say counts for less than half of what it comes with (body language, "smiles" or lack thereof, the tone it comes with- offline or online. Emails are gasoline, btw).
Do rethink "smile more", phrasing and tone (which are key), body language, be mindful of stereotypes because you need to aware of things that exist, and the hills you want to die on.
It can be a lot of trial and error and working on these things too- you wont be able to pick one thing from this thread and use it the next day and get rid of the problem, for instance. So you gotta work on it.
There is no way to not be able to speak your mind and walk away listened to and with more respect. But if you are a woman with added stuff to deal with, there are ways to learn to get around to having your cake and eat it too.
Feel free to MeMail if you like.
posted by xm at 12:49 AM on February 10, 2016
I am very uncomfortable with a queue of people lining up to advise, even with the obvious caveats, that the answer to this perceived problem is to smile more, be more positive, and apologise more. This is sounding dangerously close to "fold yourself into the palatable box assigned to you as a woman." Don't fucking do that. Don't bury your opinion in the middle of a positive shit sandwich, or smile more so you're more ingratiating, or hedge or couch or any of that.
OP, I hope you don't take this advice if you are a woman.
I am very uncomfortable with women giving you this kind of advice, not to mention the tone it comes with because it confounds multiple issues in one paragraph and link and disregards extremely useful advice in one broad stroke.
I do try to project a positive, ideal me, but if things come up in conversation, I also want to convey my opinion or my thoughts, even if they're not always "100%-bubbly-everything's-perfect" comments - how else does anything ever get discussed honestly? Is it possible that off-hand remarks that to me are just minor comments have way more impact than I think? If so, how do I fix this?
What you say counts for less than half of what it comes with (body language, "smiles" or lack thereof, the tone it comes with- offline or online. Emails are gasoline, btw).
Do rethink "smile more", phrasing and tone (which are key), body language, be mindful of stereotypes because you need to aware of things that exist, and the hills you want to die on.
It can be a lot of trial and error and working on these things too- you wont be able to pick one thing from this thread and use it the next day and get rid of the problem, for instance. So you gotta work on it.
There is no way to not be able to speak your mind and walk away listened to and with more respect. But if you are a woman with added stuff to deal with, there are ways to learn to get around to having your cake and eat it too.
Feel free to MeMail if you like.
posted by xm at 12:49 AM on February 10, 2016
Mod note: Folks, please just address the OP with your own advice rather than debate or criticize other commenters' answers. Not everyone will have the same suggestions, and this is fine. OP can evaluate different ideas and choose what works for them.
posted by taz (staff) at 3:32 AM on February 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by taz (staff) at 3:32 AM on February 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
For me, the key to delivering a potentially harsh truth is to take a moment and think about what positive explanation might lie behind the other person's actions, and then acknowledge that positive cause before getting to the harsh part.
HARSH: "Your explanation makes no sense."
RECAST: "You know so much about this topic, it must be hard for you to boil it down to a few sentences -- but I didn't understand that explanation. Could you rephrase it?"
HARSH: "You keep criticizing my choices."
RECAST: "You have so much more life experience than I do, and I know you want to give me the benefit of it, but it sometimes ends up feeling like you're criticizing all my choices."
Note that this only works if you are truly assuming the best about the other person.
HARSH: "Your explanation makes no sense."
JUST AS BAD: "I know you think it's not worth your time to explain this to me coherently, but I didn't understand."
I believe a teacher of mine thinks I hate the subject matter, when really I am just frustrated at not mastering it yet.
There are two possible solutions. You could give people less information, and hide your feelings better -- but it sounds as though you're just not hard wired to do that. That's OK! It's just how your brain works.
So, you might try giving people more information. Since they already know your emotions, tell them explicitly where those emotions are coming from. For example, "Hey, Professor, I have some questions about the assignment. It's driving me kind of crazy that I can't figure it out, so you'll probably hear a lot of frustration in my voice when we're talking about this, but just so you know, it's aimed at me, not you."
posted by yankeefog at 4:31 AM on February 10, 2016
HARSH: "Your explanation makes no sense."
RECAST: "You know so much about this topic, it must be hard for you to boil it down to a few sentences -- but I didn't understand that explanation. Could you rephrase it?"
HARSH: "You keep criticizing my choices."
RECAST: "You have so much more life experience than I do, and I know you want to give me the benefit of it, but it sometimes ends up feeling like you're criticizing all my choices."
Note that this only works if you are truly assuming the best about the other person.
HARSH: "Your explanation makes no sense."
JUST AS BAD: "I know you think it's not worth your time to explain this to me coherently, but I didn't understand."
I believe a teacher of mine thinks I hate the subject matter, when really I am just frustrated at not mastering it yet.
There are two possible solutions. You could give people less information, and hide your feelings better -- but it sounds as though you're just not hard wired to do that. That's OK! It's just how your brain works.
So, you might try giving people more information. Since they already know your emotions, tell them explicitly where those emotions are coming from. For example, "Hey, Professor, I have some questions about the assignment. It's driving me kind of crazy that I can't figure it out, so you'll probably hear a lot of frustration in my voice when we're talking about this, but just so you know, it's aimed at me, not you."
posted by yankeefog at 4:31 AM on February 10, 2016
If I'm using the word argumentative about a learner or subordinate, this is what I mean:
-directly contradicting my advice or statements. I honestly don't know what to say when this happens. If you say you didn't understand something, or explain you had been hesitant to do it that way because of reasons, then we can move forward. but a direct opposing statement makes it hard to continue the conversation.
-always explaining why you did something - it's better just to accept criticism or constructive feedback. You don't have to defend what you did - you are learning and everyone makes mistakes and not all mistakes are avoidable. But being defensive isn't a good mindset for learning, it comes across as being closed to hearing or learning.
When I have the interactions above, it is frustrating for both parties. I come away wondering why a student even bothered to come ask for help if they aren't interested in hearing it.
posted by Gor-ella at 10:55 AM on February 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
-directly contradicting my advice or statements. I honestly don't know what to say when this happens. If you say you didn't understand something, or explain you had been hesitant to do it that way because of reasons, then we can move forward. but a direct opposing statement makes it hard to continue the conversation.
-always explaining why you did something - it's better just to accept criticism or constructive feedback. You don't have to defend what you did - you are learning and everyone makes mistakes and not all mistakes are avoidable. But being defensive isn't a good mindset for learning, it comes across as being closed to hearing or learning.
When I have the interactions above, it is frustrating for both parties. I come away wondering why a student even bothered to come ask for help if they aren't interested in hearing it.
posted by Gor-ella at 10:55 AM on February 10, 2016 [2 favorites]
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Your supervisor thinks you're argumentative? Have you ever had friendly bullshit interactions with your supervisor or do you only talk to your supervisor when there's a problem? Your teacher thinks you hate their subject? Have you ever had friendly bullshit interactions with your teacher or do you only talk to your teacher when you're struggling? Etc.
I'm loathe to tell another woman to smile more, but that's a lot of it. People need to be able to see you being positive in order to see your negatives as momentary blips rather than your 100%.
I am a cynical, sarcastic, condescending piece of shit a lot of the time, but I think I couch that in a lot of good humor and general optimism about life. I talk about things I enjoy often, I engage others in friendly conversation, I'm appreciative of the worth other people bring to the table, and I joke around good naturedly. I make other people around me smile, which puts a brighter framing around the times when I'm not so rosy. People seem to like me ok I think.
It takes work to learn how to do it, especially if you're not naturally social, but you can learn just like I did. If you're process-oriented, set yourself a goal like "go out of my way to be friendly to at least one person every day" and stick to it, as uncomfortable as it makes you, until it starts to come easily. Treat it like a skill--you need to practice to get good at it.
posted by phunniemee at 3:00 PM on February 9, 2016 [9 favorites]