How to Help My Grandparents?
February 9, 2016 8:54 AM Subscribe
Hi I'm 27 and I live with my grandparents. My grandfather has always been the infrastructure to our family, but a year from now he experienced a blood clot in his brain that required surgery as well as placing a heart pacer in. Surgery went well but the doctors explained to us that my grandfather may likely never be able to do some of the things that he's so accustomed to doing for himself. Its been a full year and hard is an understatement, he has fell in a depression and my grandmother always seems to be stressed and depressed herself. He fights to drive his vehicles everyday and he wants to be able to help in ways he can't anymore. Last night he tried drinking a energy drink and it was so hard to redirect him. Does anyone know of anyway to help him? I really would like to help my grandmother but i feel as though he looks at me as his grandchild and not a man.
Is he the kind of guy who will read articles and/or information on the Internet?
Sometimes, a pet can be a huge comfort to an older person -- a dog or cat will need him in completely new ways, and provide frequent emotional interaction. Is that a possibility?
posted by amtho at 9:03 AM on February 9, 2016
Sometimes, a pet can be a huge comfort to an older person -- a dog or cat will need him in completely new ways, and provide frequent emotional interaction. Is that a possibility?
posted by amtho at 9:03 AM on February 9, 2016
Best answer: You may need to have another family member come by and have a 'come to Jesus' talk with both of your grandparents.
If he's not supposed to drive because of a deficit, that should be the end of it. It would suck if I couldn't drive, but if I were a danger to other motorists, I'd be checking out Uber and bus schedules.
Has this incident impaired any cognitive function or emotional regulation? That's harder, but the more you understand the better you can deal with the situations.
Your grandmother may want to get into a support group for caretakers. Perhaps you can find one for her to attend in your area.
It's never easy, but sometimes the hard things need to be said to keep everyone safe and healthy.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:34 AM on February 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
If he's not supposed to drive because of a deficit, that should be the end of it. It would suck if I couldn't drive, but if I were a danger to other motorists, I'd be checking out Uber and bus schedules.
Has this incident impaired any cognitive function or emotional regulation? That's harder, but the more you understand the better you can deal with the situations.
Your grandmother may want to get into a support group for caretakers. Perhaps you can find one for her to attend in your area.
It's never easy, but sometimes the hard things need to be said to keep everyone safe and healthy.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:34 AM on February 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
Do you have any access to training or help from a specialist in traumatic brain injury? It doesn't sound like anyone's really filled you in on the consequences of blood clots in the brain, brain surgery, post-surgical depression, cardiac surgery-related depression, or damaged cognitive dysfunction, or given you any coaching on caretaking for someone in that situation.
You might see if you can get him a referral to an occupational therapist (probably either his neurosurgeon or cardiac doctor can do this), and you can take him and be involved. The OT can probably recommend some good books/workbooks for you to use to learn some helpful techniques.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:35 AM on February 9, 2016 [3 favorites]
You might see if you can get him a referral to an occupational therapist (probably either his neurosurgeon or cardiac doctor can do this), and you can take him and be involved. The OT can probably recommend some good books/workbooks for you to use to learn some helpful techniques.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:35 AM on February 9, 2016 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Highly recommend that you look into getting training in healthcare assistance. Some non-profits, especially those that work with developmentally disabled adults provide this service and you may be able to do it at a major discount.
What family help do you have? Your grandfather has had major surgery and he should be in rehabilitation. He obviously wants to get up and go, hence the energy drink. But you're not a professional and not trained to help him, but you're there.
You have to reach out to social services and see how you can go about making caring your "job", because it is a full-time job to care this much for your grandparents. It will help you cope with whatever comes next. It will allow both grandparents access to respite care, which makes an enormous difference to quality of life. Many people make the assumption, incorrectly, that hospices are for the dying. Hospices have excellent day facilities for people to overcome their injuries and often run alongside hospitals doing the same work with the elderly.
posted by parmanparman at 10:30 AM on February 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
What family help do you have? Your grandfather has had major surgery and he should be in rehabilitation. He obviously wants to get up and go, hence the energy drink. But you're not a professional and not trained to help him, but you're there.
You have to reach out to social services and see how you can go about making caring your "job", because it is a full-time job to care this much for your grandparents. It will help you cope with whatever comes next. It will allow both grandparents access to respite care, which makes an enormous difference to quality of life. Many people make the assumption, incorrectly, that hospices are for the dying. Hospices have excellent day facilities for people to overcome their injuries and often run alongside hospitals doing the same work with the elderly.
posted by parmanparman at 10:30 AM on February 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
When my grandfather had a small stroke which sounds similar to what happened to yours, finding ways that made it easier for him to still be useful was the most helpful. We helped him buy a self propelled mower and replaced the trash can with a wheeled one.
posted by stray thoughts at 10:34 PM on February 9, 2016
posted by stray thoughts at 10:34 PM on February 9, 2016
Best answer: Also check out your nearest Council on Aging for classes and day care activities. My elderly parents went to a day care just one day a week and they really enjoyed it. It broke up the routine. It was a respite program but very flexible.
Caregivers Alliance has local chapters. They have wonderful caregiver support groups for you and your grandmother.
my folks were resistant to simple changes that could have helped them. I asked them to humor me and just try it. They gradually gained trust in my judgment and me. It took awhile before they stopped thinking of me as just their little girl.
Best of luck to you.
posted by goodsearch at 9:18 AM on February 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
Caregivers Alliance has local chapters. They have wonderful caregiver support groups for you and your grandmother.
my folks were resistant to simple changes that could have helped them. I asked them to humor me and just try it. They gradually gained trust in my judgment and me. It took awhile before they stopped thinking of me as just their little girl.
Best of luck to you.
posted by goodsearch at 9:18 AM on February 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
My grandfather had a stroke last year and it severely stressed my grandmother who grew more anxious and depressed. I'm not a woo woo or even a religious person, but coming from a scientific standpoint, I started calling her most nights during the week and reading to her a meditation and breathing exercise for her to do. She does it maybe 20 minutes a day. The phone call makes her feel loved and cared for, the breathing exercises build up the parts of her brain that allow her to cope with pain, sleep deeply, and manage negative and uncomfortable emotions. She is happier and tells me how much better she is sleeping. I got the exercise out of a dialectical therapy book from Amazon. My plan is to get them both doing Tai Chi. It promotes balance in stroke victims and reduces falls. It also may promote neural plasticity (may potentiate good re-wiring of a damaged brain) for my grandfather and will likely expand on the resistance to stress that I am helping my grandfather build. For an interesting read on how to access emotion in the brain through physical tasks like breathing, yoga, tai chi and other modalities, see The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk MD.
posted by Pablito at 8:21 PM on February 10, 2016
posted by Pablito at 8:21 PM on February 10, 2016
Response by poster: @xingcat Yes i think that he does feel like this. The truth is I try to allow him to feel of use but one of the big issues are his vehicles. He's not supposed to drive and gets in such a mood when we tell him that he can't drive. It's per doctors orders you know. But my grandmother will ask me if i can take her somewhere and it upsets him so deeply and i just don't know how to curve his pain.
posted by imagine_dragon at 11:14 AM on February 11, 2016
posted by imagine_dragon at 11:14 AM on February 11, 2016
Response by poster: @amtho He has several exotic birds and fish he loves to cater his attention to the outdoors and tend to them. It definitely helps. thanks for your insight.
posted by imagine_dragon at 11:16 AM on February 11, 2016
posted by imagine_dragon at 11:16 AM on February 11, 2016
Response by poster: @Ruthless Bunny I agree it kills me to see him want to drive and he goes out and starts them up to make sure they continue to run properly. There have even been times where he's fussed until he got his way and he drives. Its dangerous and I just feel like its a accident waiting to happen. He's honestly illiterate, he doesn't read or write, his speech has been effected. He can talk but its not fluent. Where can i find support groups in my area for this? maybe the local hospital? Thank you for your help
posted by imagine_dragon at 11:21 AM on February 11, 2016
posted by imagine_dragon at 11:21 AM on February 11, 2016
Response by poster: @parparman I actually do work with living assistance and its for the developmentally challenged. I don't know his case worker or anything but i'm going to look into seeing how i could become more involved. Before it's too late.
posted by imagine_dragon at 11:25 AM on February 11, 2016
posted by imagine_dragon at 11:25 AM on February 11, 2016
He's not supposed to drive... It's per doctors orders you know.
I don't know where you live, but in some places a doctor can notify the local Motor Vehicles Division (the government branch that issues driving licences) that a person will never be able to safely drive again because of medical issues, and have the drivers licence revoked.
Some places the police can be helpful even if they can't "officially" do anything. For instance, I had a elderly family member who when the police were examining the licence after an accident, they returned it to another person in the family who was there, saying "Well, we are supposed to give this back to her..." The police weren't actually allowed to decide to take away the licence permanently, but how they handled made it easy for the family to say to the elderly person that the police "took away" the licence, and the elderly person accepted that they were no longer allowed to drive. It was a big family secret at the time that everyone visiting had to be in on, so they wouldn't say anything about it being illegal for the police to revoke the licence if the relative was bemoaning what had happened.
That's really going to depend on your area and how people deal with the police there though. It could be a very bad idea to talk with them.
I'm glad you are thinking about how to solve this, he could injure or kill others if he got in an accident.
posted by yohko at 4:10 PM on February 11, 2016
I don't know where you live, but in some places a doctor can notify the local Motor Vehicles Division (the government branch that issues driving licences) that a person will never be able to safely drive again because of medical issues, and have the drivers licence revoked.
Some places the police can be helpful even if they can't "officially" do anything. For instance, I had a elderly family member who when the police were examining the licence after an accident, they returned it to another person in the family who was there, saying "Well, we are supposed to give this back to her..." The police weren't actually allowed to decide to take away the licence permanently, but how they handled made it easy for the family to say to the elderly person that the police "took away" the licence, and the elderly person accepted that they were no longer allowed to drive. It was a big family secret at the time that everyone visiting had to be in on, so they wouldn't say anything about it being illegal for the police to revoke the licence if the relative was bemoaning what had happened.
That's really going to depend on your area and how people deal with the police there though. It could be a very bad idea to talk with them.
I'm glad you are thinking about how to solve this, he could injure or kill others if he got in an accident.
posted by yohko at 4:10 PM on February 11, 2016
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posted by xingcat at 8:58 AM on February 9, 2016 [1 favorite]