What's it like to be one and done?

February 6, 2016 2:54 PM

Contrary to my plans before I had kids, I'm on the fence about having a second child. What is it like raising--or growing up--an only child, and are there factors I'm not considering?

Kid WanKenobi just turned two, and she's the best damned two year old in the world. Before she was born, I'd thought we'd have two or three kids spaced fairly close together. But now I'm vacillating. The vast majority of parents in our peer group are having at least two, and a remarkable number of them have two under two. Even though they're constantly touting the benefits, this has felt very clearly "not for me" for a bunch of reasons:

• We've parented our daughter in a very attachment-parenty way that has left a bigger burden of childcare on me. My kiddo is still nursing as much as your average one-year-old and still cosleeps for part of the night. This works well for us and I'm happy this way, but I can't imagine parenting this intensely and still gently with an infant and a toddler. I'd love to let my daughter self-wean, and I'm not particularly interested in tandem nursing.
• Our daughter was a super easy wonderful infant but more high maintenance as a young toddler. We don't have family help nearby and probably won't do preschool until she's 3 or 4. Life was really chaotic for awhile and I just feel like I'm catching my breath from that. She has mellowed out in the last few months and my creative productivity (I'm a writer) is only picking up now. I'd love to sell another book before we have another kid, and with two very young children, I'm pretty sure I'd have to set my career aside for a bit.
• She's still pretty intensely mom-oriented and my instinct is that it would be traumatic for her to weather the adjustment of another baby right now. She does love other kids--and babies!--but I just get the sense that she's not "there" yet.
• We're not in a position financially to have another kid, and my husband won't consider it unless we are, which I think is smart and fair.

For all those reasons, I'd been assuming that it would be at least another two years until we seriously consider another child--and perhaps I'll be feeling the impulse more strongly when our kiddo is out of the house for a chunk of the day in pre-school or kindergarten.

But a niggling voice in the back of my head has started to tell me that we might be done. My kid is a lot like me and I find parenting her to be very fulfilling and generally joyful. I could see the shape of our lives stretch out in a really peaceful way, with more disposable income opening up educational opportunities that we might not have for two, from private schooling to better colleges to trips we wouldn't be able to take otherwise. And as shallow as it might sound, my husband and I both work from home and I'm not sure I want to give up my office to another kid's bedroom. My husband says he'd be happy with just one, but is open to having more.

Then again: we both have siblings, and we're glad our siblings exist even though our relationships with them aren't perfect. Our daughter may not have cousins at this point, though we live in a large, supportive community with plenty of kids around. I'd be sad not to repeat the pregnancy and breastfeeding experience with another child (but part of me wonders if that's just because I so loved my daughter's babyhood). The grandparents are pretty intensely focused on my daughter, the only grandchild, in a way that might be unhealthy, and I wonder if my daughter might be bummed not to have someone else with whom to share in the family experience.

Society is pretty negative about only children, and I only knew one growing up (my second cousin, who never lacked for love or educational experiences but swears she's going to have three kids, herself). I'm curious to hear about what the lived experiences of only children, and their parents, are like. I'd also like to hear from parents who wanted just one, or were on the fence, and changed their minds late-ish. Are you happy you went for two despite a larger age gap? Any regrets?

posted by PhoBWanKenobi to Human Relations (65 answers total)

I'm an only child. Pro: I'm quite content being alone, and I seem less likely to jump into a relationship than some of my friends with siblings. Con: I find it difficult to compromise and share.

I sometimes envy people who have close relationships with their siblings. For a long time I found it hard to relate to people in my age cohort (though that was influenced by other things). I spent a lot of time around adults - other family members and my parents' friends. This possibly made me more mature, but I feel like it made me more serious. People with siblings seem more playful and easygoing to me.

But it's impossible to know how much of this is because I'm an only child or because it's my natural temperament.
posted by desjardins at 3:02 PM on February 6, 2016 [11 favorites]

Response by poster: Oh, and for reference, I'm 32, my husband is 38, but he doesn't mind being an older father and women in my family on both sides have all been having children well into their late 30s for several generations back so we're not anticipating problems in this area, though I'm not sure how heavily we should weigh all of that.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 3:04 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]

One more thing - I worry a lot about what I'm going to do when my parents get older because I have no one with whom to share the burden of caring for them.
posted by desjardins at 3:05 PM on February 6, 2016 [13 favorites]

Best answer: I asked a similar (though from a different perspective) question last year - see here.

Our daughter is now 4. I still have the occasional twinge when I see especially cute siblings together, but for the most part I can honestly say that it's GREAT being the parent of an only child. It allows us to experience parenthood without it taking over our entire lives. We don't feel like our attention is spread thin between multiple kids, which I think makes it possible for us to meet our one kid's emotional needs. She is such an amazing, bright, hilarious girl; there is no guarantee that a hypothetical subsequent kid would be anywhere near as great.

Also, now that she is 4 and in school full time (potty trained, no naps, etc.) - I really can't imagine going back to square one with a tiny baby again. Life is pretty great right now.
posted by barnoley at 3:07 PM on February 6, 2016 [12 favorites]

If your main reason to have another kid is because you think it would be unfair to the one you already have to grow up without a sibling, don't do it. While I do have an older sibling, the age difference is such that, socially, I grew up as if I were an only child. (8+ years difference will do that).

While I love my sister and we get along well now, we had an incredibly fractious relationship growing up. Things would have been a lot harder for me after our parents died when I was in middle school, but again, I would have been fine had I gone to live with my grandparents or one of my aunts or uncles.

Do it for you, not your kid, who will have a good life either way.
posted by wierdo at 3:11 PM on February 6, 2016 [3 favorites]

I was an only child for the first 8 years of my life, and it was pretty boring because I didn't have anyone to play with at home. Something to consider. And having a sibling is nice when they're not bothering you. I like the fact I'll have them around when I get older.
posted by starlybri at 3:12 PM on February 6, 2016 [2 favorites]

Female only child in my early 50s here . . .

I never really wanted siblings or felt that I was missing out by not having them. Being an only child taught me how to entertain myself and how to be comfortable being alone with my own thoughts. I rarely feel lonely when I'm be myself, but I don't consider myself a loner. I also think that being an only child helped me to form really close bonds with both of my parents, although that's certainly not exclusive to only children.

I'm actually only seeing any negatives in the past few years as my parents are now in their late 70s/early 80s and are experiencing more frequent health issues. It's somewhat stressful knowing that the responsibility is solely on me for their needs.
posted by bookmammal at 3:20 PM on February 6, 2016 [3 favorites]

I'm only child.

I want to echo what wierdo said: You shouldn't have a another child because you think it's "unfair" to your daughter to raise her as an only child. There's nothing wrong with being an only child!

I didn't grow up wishing I had a sibling. I don't think being an only child negatively impacted me in any way--I'm not more spoiled, less compromising, or worse at sharing than other people.

You're coming at this from the standpoint that having siblings is "normal" because that's your experience, but if you're an only child, it's just as normal. I mean, I have a hard time figuring out how to answer the question of what it's like, because... where do I start?

I do sometimes wonder how I'll care for my parents when it comes time for that, since I don't have siblings to help. But then again, even if I had siblings, there's no guarantee that they would be responsible or able.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 3:25 PM on February 6, 2016 [10 favorites]

I am an only child. I like it pretty well. I'll second what desjardins said about feeling more mature than my peers, spending more time with adults, and maybe ending up a bit more serious for it. I think this was also partly a function of not having many kids my age in the neighborhood who could take the place of siblings for socializing. I do think I had more educational opportunities because of it (my parents put me in private school until 2nd grade out of concern for my reading development; they were able to pay for my undergraduate and now graduate educations without concern). We travelled more than I think we would have otherwise, including several international trips as a family and yearly beach trips. This may not have been feasible with more kids.
I know a lot of people express concern regarding placing sole responsibility for aging parents on an only child. My parents have planned for this, and purchased long term care insurance for that eventuality. Additionally, they both have one or more siblings who have mostly abdicated responsibility for caring for my grandparents, so having siblings does not prevent this issue. All in all, if you want to stop at one, do it. Any issues associated can be managed with good planning and parenting.
posted by bluloo at 3:27 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]

Desjardins was describing me as well, so that covers some of the personality aspects of being an only child. I never missed having siblings until my mom died. At that point I wished I had someone to share the grief, burdens and decisions surrounding her passing aside from my dad. And never having children, it would have been nice for my parents to have had another shot at grandchildren. I feel like I failed them in that respect.
posted by cecic at 3:27 PM on February 6, 2016

I am an only child and the parent of an only child.

I had a perfectly happy childhood, reasonably uneventful. But I was a kid who enjoyed my alone time, even from a very early age. I also had a cousin who lived a street away and a lot of friends.

My husband always only wanted one kid, and I didn't care one way or the other. My daughter is seven. We have made more of an effort to maintain friendships with parents of only children (reasonably common in NYC) and are lucky that many of our daughter's friends are onlys.

From my daughter's point of view -- her personality is such that she would have done better with a sibling, tbh. But, there's no way of knowing that when you are planning your family. And if we had another now, they would be so far apart in age anyway, so. Also, they would have much less chill parents. But even so, she'll be fine. She's a lovely kid, has a lot of friends and we make sure she gets to play a lot. She seems to be fine at sharing. We don't spoil her.

So, I don't really have advice. Just that you should go with your gut. Only children are fine.
posted by gaspode at 3:31 PM on February 6, 2016

Only here. Pretty much what everyone else has said. As a kid it was great, I loved not having to share a bedroom and so on. I like my own company. I read a lot.

As I get older I worry about my parents and not having anyone to help look after them, especially as they're separated and I live far away. I am not sure how I'm going to deal with this, but, as noted, it isn't necessarily a problem solved by having siblings.

I don't plan on having kids myself, for whatever that's worth.
posted by corvine at 3:36 PM on February 6, 2016 [2 favorites]

Best answer: My husband is an only (I'm one of four) and this:

"One more thing - I worry a lot about what I'm going to do when my parents get older because I have no one with whom to share the burden of caring for them."

has become a big, big issue for us this year. He has divorced parents who are each leaning on him as their sole end-of-life arranger, as one parent became quite ill and had to go into hospice care, and the other's health has started to decline, and one of those parents is probably going to need financial support in a few years down the road. He is traveling every weekend this month to deal with one or the other (and it is a real strain on OUR family, as you can well imagine). Whereas coming from such a large family, when my parents do have needs (they're in better health and don't have too many yet), there are four of us to split them up and sort out who's going to deliver a bunch of [necessary object] or pick up mom-who-doesn't-like-to-drive-after-dark at the airport or serve as legal second hand on whatever necessary thing or go attend all the funeral pre-planning. It's just a lot less overwhelming and there's a lot less emotional isolation.

My husband also says, over my shoulder, to tell you he wishes he had a big family like mine, but I think you should take that with a grain of salt, I have a very close family and there's no guarantee you end up with a close family just because it's a big family. :)

My favorite quote about siblings is something to the effect that your siblings are the only other inmates of the insane asylum of "your parents" and that that's a precious gift. Indeed, part of the reason we knew we would have at least two if we had any was that I feel it would be quite unfair to put the laser focus of my neuroses on just one child. At least this way they can a) split my crazy and b) commiserate about it. Other people are probably less neurotic, though. :)

But my husband's an only and my BFF is an only and it's truly not that big a deal either way.

"my husband and I both work from home and I'm not sure I want to give up my office to another kid's bedroom."
Kids can share, it won't kill them. (Says the woman currently typing in her office preserved from her children by forcing them to share.) Especially since you're pretty AP, the baby would be in with you for quite a while anyway.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:36 PM on February 6, 2016 [15 favorites]

I'm an only child. Growing up, we lived out in the country, without neighbors nearby, and it got kind of lonely. I remember wishing EITHER for a brother or sister OR that we lived in town where there would be other kids to play with. I spent most of the time playing alone or hanging out with my parents and their friends (I was probably pretty annoying, in hindsight). As a result, I grew up relating much better to adults than to other kids, which maybe helped me later in life, but made elementary school/jr. high kind of hard.

I will say that now, as an only child, there's a lot more pressure on me to give my parents grandkids (I've been telling them that they should have hedged their bets with a backup kid for the past couple of years :-)), and also there's the who's going to take care of them as they get older question. I don't know what we're going to do about that.
posted by Weeping_angel at 3:43 PM on February 6, 2016

Best answer: My little brother is 6 years younger than me, and we are very, very close now. Unless you're afraid that you won't be able to get pregnant in x years should you decide that actually yes, you do want another kid, I wouldn't feel pressure to decide one way or the other RIGHT NOW. Even though close age-ranges are sometimes good, being a that much older than my brother has been good for my family. We never overlapped in school, we never were doing the same activity at the same time, we never really had a competitive relationship the way friends with siblings a few years older or younger than them did.

I have awesome memories of being very young and an only kid, though I grew up in family housing at a university which was swarming with children to play with. I loved the attention from my folks (coming in to volunteer at pre-school and kindergarten, walking to campus with my dad, forcing my parents into elaborate games of Pretend, bedtime stories, and so on) but I also loved getting a little brother (even though he was incredibly boring for at least the first year of his exisistence). I am sure that I would have been just fine if my parents hadn't had another kid, but my brother is great and I love him, too.
posted by ChuraChura at 3:46 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]

I was raised as an only child, as I didn't know about my much older half-siblings until I was older. I have a 14 year old only child. I enjoyed being an only child. I enjoy having an only child. The mister and I feel like we really lucked out with her, and didn't want to ruin a good thing. There were times I wanted another one, but I got a dog instead to appease the maternal instinct. That was a good choice.
posted by Ruki at 3:46 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]

I have a friend whose second child was born with very serious and unanticipated genetic defects. Instead of the first born getting a sibling to be a companion and support when their parents age, the older child will have a life-long responsibility to keep on eye on her sister's caregivers as well as helping out her aging parents.

I'm not saying this will happen to you - it probably won't. I'm just saying that even when we thinking we are making plans to produce a certain future for our loved ones, life is full of surprises. So, do whatever seems right to you and then don't worry about it - however it turns out, your family will make the best of it and there will be good things and bad things about whatever you choose.
posted by metahawk at 3:56 PM on February 6, 2016 [16 favorites]

I'm an only child.

One thing you might want to consider is if you are going to be the sort of parent who will really, really hope for your own grandchildren when you get older -- and what that would do to your relationship with your child if they couldn't or didn't want to have children of their own.

I worry a lot about what I'm going to do when my parents get older because I have no one with whom to share the burden of caring for them.

I worry about this too, but having siblings would hardly be a guarantee. I have a friend who is planning to be caring for both an adult special needs sibling as well as aging parents.

Sometimes I wish I had siblings, when I see the great lifelong friendships some of my friends have with their siblings. But I also have friends who have had painful rifts with siblings who never want to speak to them again. I've heard from people about how terribly their own siblings mistreated them as children -- that children are siblings is no guarantee that they will get along. And I'm building what I hope will be my own lifelong friendships, with people who aren't my siblings.
posted by yohko at 4:06 PM on February 6, 2016 [3 favorites]

Best answer: My husband and I are both second (and last) children. Although our upbringings were basically ok, and we both have decent relationships with our siblings and parents, we both feel as though there was a palpable "backup kid" feeling. That no matter how much you love both of your kids, and appreciate their differences, you will always love the first child more (the one who made you a parent, who transformed your capacity for love, etc.). It's so strong that we are very against having two kids ourselves, even though we also understand the many benefits of having a sibling. Not saying all parents are this way (and our parents would never acknowledge it, or even recognize it themselves). But for us, it is something we experienced (and still experience) and it has informed our personal reproductive decisions.
posted by melissasaurus at 4:12 PM on February 6, 2016 [2 favorites]

Best answer: We came to the same decision your husband has - we'd love to have a second child, but simply cannot afford it - not only in terms of budget, but in terms of time and energy. Now that West is in kindergarden, daycare costs have gone down, sure, but time costs have not. We still both work, have to get West to school in the morning and home from aftercare. Weekends are chock full of activities - yesterday was a snow day and West and I make homemade pokeballs and hunted wild pikachu and today he went with his mom to Legoland. We could not do that with another kid and I think it would frustrate him to conform to the schedule of a newborn for activities. Sure, we could split up, but then one parent would always be missing out with one kid. We just can't afford the time.

On the plus side, not paying for more daycare, more diapers, and more stuff that a second kid would require means that we can take West on trips we would not be able to do otherwise. Go to New York to see the Natural History Museum? Sure! Storyland? Santa's Village? Yes and yes, plus we can stay at a cabin on a lake for a few days. This is stuff we could not do with another kid - the cost, the time, the energy required, the time... we've learned that would just be too much for the three of us.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 4:15 PM on February 6, 2016 [4 favorites]

Best answer: My brother is about 5 years younger than me. The first 15 years, we fought a lot. Then for about 10 years where I was out of the house and went to college then he went to college and I got married, we had little to no relationship. The last 5 years have been better, but we live states apart and our lifestyles are very different. I guess having a sibling is OK. Our parents are still quite healthy (and states away), so no worries yet on how they'll be taken care of.

So I guess I'm saying if you want to leave the door open for a second child, you can. And if you are one and done (like I am, but it was a tough decision), that is OK, too. And it is perfectly OK and normal to think wistfully on the decision either way after it has been made.

Additional doors to fill this opportunity in the future could include pet adoption, child adoption, being a foster parent, or even being a Girl Scout Leader or sports coach or other activity leader. (Although I totally get the desire to be excellent at being pregnant again.)
posted by jillithd at 4:16 PM on February 6, 2016

And it is perfectly OK and normal to think wistfully on the decision either way after it has been made.

Seconding this. We often regret choices and paths we don't take. But, there's a lot of rose-colored glasses in that regret, too. You can only really know in hindsight.

I was joking with a friend who has a similar-aged kid as mine, "Well, surely I may have screwed up the parenting today....guess I'll find out in about 35 years." You can't know and it's so frustrating.

We are one and done. It's been a tough decision. But, our daughter is great and now that she's five I feel like we are getting the absolute best of all worlds. We are having the full parenting experience and we are also tending to our personal lives and tending to our future (focusing energy on retirement savings, etc.). We do lots and lots of play-dates with friends her age and often bring a friend on outings. And when we are tired of having multiple children in the house, we send the friend home again.

You can only look around at your life, think about your goals and make a gut decision about how you want to spend your energy. For many, many people it is in their children. I know a few people with more than two (more than three!) and I can see that, while it is challenging, they are spending their energy where they want.
posted by amanda at 4:24 PM on February 6, 2016 [5 favorites]

Best answer: Another only here and I echo a lot of what has been said. I only occasionally wished I had a sibling, but I had lots of cousins nearby and a very close neighborhood and extended circle of family-like-friends. I ended up marrying an only child, as well.

We both thought we wouldn't have kids and then we decided to try and have an amazing 3 yr old fella. We decided to try for another... had a lot of trouble and it never worked. An only child of two only children seemed like a lot of onlies to us, but then it just worked out that way.

I occasionally feel sad because I imagine him having a sibling who he adores, but it's true that you can't plan on that happening. I also think about how we have more flexibility financially with just one. We're in a city with a school lottery, so if he doesn't get a school on our list we can consider private school. If there were two, that would be impossible.

I think what amanda said is true - it's about how you want to spend your energy. The bullet points you list are all things that are very much your 'right now'. If you wait a few years, all of those reasons not to may disappear, or you may have 10 more. If that's the case, perhaps you'll have your answer.
posted by jdl at 4:38 PM on February 6, 2016

In a functional "only" because of the way my parents scheduled custody arrangements, as is my older stepbrother. We have a set of shared half-siblings (two girls three years apart from each other.) I also have my own personal additional set of half-siblings on the other side (a boy and girl 16 months apart from each other.) I'm four years younger than my brother (we lived in the same house for around a year when I was 6), I'm six years older than my next-youngest sister, and I'm 14 years older than my youngest sister.

Don't feel bad if you're wishing I'd just provided a diagram.

Anyway, what I've seen suggests strongly that with our combined set of parents (six adults in five pairings if you count my stepbrother's stepfather) and other variables, having at least one close sibling provides substantial social and emotional benefits. What each of my sets of half-siblings has with each other has given them a surprising number of strengths and resources. They're much better at friendship, sharing, and romance than my stepbrother and I. They also seem to have a lot more "fun" in general; we two oldest ones were quiet reading and writing and not-being-annoying types because we were the only kid around (respectively.)

It is perhaps worth noting that the only one of my parent figures to have close siblings (my stepmom) is also the only one who's never been divorced. Similarly, neither of my pairs of half-siblings experienced their own parents separating (which is a huge factor for me and my older stepbrother.) None of my-grandparent figures ever divorced, though, so none of the parents can claim that scarred them.
posted by SMPA at 4:46 PM on February 6, 2016 [2 favorites]

I was an only for eight years before my sister came along and during that time I had no longing for a sibling. Might just have been my temperament, but I was a very happy only child.

My little sister is a great person and I love her, but with that great an age difference, our lives have really not had very intense overlap. We shared a house but not many activities, and aren't in any kind of close contact as an adult. It is nice to know I won't be entirely alone in shouldering eldercare when that time comes, but I'm not sure that alone is a convincing reason to have multiple children.

All of which is to say that being an only child can be a good and happy experience, at least for a young child. I don't think t's a terrible thing to have an only child, if that seems like what will fit best for your family.
posted by Stacey at 4:59 PM on February 6, 2016

Best answer: Why would you have to decide now? Wait until your daughter is older, you might change your mind. Or not.

Our setup was basically the same - no family nearby, very attachment oriented parenting style, very attached and breastfeeding daughter, no out of home care - and we just had our 2nd when our older daughter was 4 and a bit. She peacefully self-weaned during pregnancy and was ready for preschool right before her sister was born. The situation now is fine. I've always found the idea of 2 under 2 (or even 3) pretty abhorrent and honestly all the families I know who did this have confirmed this prejudice (either by being a screamy mess for the first 2 years of sibling's life or by telling me outright that it was too early). If you can space them out, do so. Of course, having just one kid is fine, too, but others have already made that point.
posted by The Toad at 5:09 PM on February 6, 2016 [6 favorites]

Best answer: I am posting because my view is diametrically opposed to the prevailing wisdom that kids need siblings. I am an only child married to another only child, and over time I have come to the conclusion that siblings are often not that great for kids. The moment you have two children, you have cut your available time and resources for each by half. Yes, there are some economies of scale such as clothing, some playtime that you spend with both kids at once, and perhaps toys, but not with the big expenses that you must pay for each kid, such as school tuition, space for each child in a tight housing market, and your own precious time in ferrying children to activities and schools.

It is biologically possible for women to have multiple children because it's how the species has the greatest odds of surviving - if this individual doesn't make it, maybe one of the siblings will. Biology does not care for the emotional or economic wellbeing of children, beyond some very basic survival needs. In other words, just because you can, doesn't mean that you should or that it is a good idea.

I remember being in school (this seemed very evident in the K-8 years) and noticing that the kids with siblings seemed more childish and less mature, since I assume they spent most of their time at home with their similarly-aged siblings. They only could learn from and model themselves on other little kids, rather than modeling their behavior on that of adults, since that is the default for many onlies. I felt that as a child, the fact I spent much of my time with adults gave me substantially better judgment and a more mature outlook compared to my siblinged classmates and friends. It also enabled me to succeed in school and socially, since I knew how to relate to teachers and other adults when placed in those situations.

The other issue with siblings is that you never know what you will get. My parents have a few siblings whom they absolutely detest, and anecdotally, I know a lot more people with horrible sibling relationships than very close ones. Of course it's entirely luck of the draw, but based on what I have seen around me, the odds of a great relationship are not in one's favor.
posted by Atrahasis at 5:19 PM on February 6, 2016 [19 favorites]

Only child here - I was an only back when it was considered an aberration (1960's). There were times I wanted a brother or sister because everyone else had one, but, in the long run, I'm glad to be an only child. And I say this as someone who has lost both her parents and cared for them before they died.

Siblings are not always built-in best friends, let alone automatic elder-care help. If I had a dollar for every horror or sob story I've heard regarding deadbeat siblings, outright abusive or criminal siblings, or just plain flaky siblings who leave one adult child (often, but not always, a daughter or gay son) to handle all the elder care, I'd be rich. I know a set of middle-aged siblings who no longer speak because of fall-out from their mom's will/estate. One elderly woman who lived in my dad's care home wound up having no children close by to care for her, because her son lived across the country and her daughter followed her husband to his home country. I could go on, but you get the drift. If you are worried about who will care for you when you get old, you are better off looking after your own financial, physical and mental health as much as you can. Don't count on the family safety net.

All the only children I know are very self-sufficient, nonconformist, and know how to entertain themselves. We didn't have automatic company growing up so we learned to read early, draw, look for interesting insects, etc., and that has served us well in our adult lives.

One thing to think about - as yohko points out, if you think you will really-really want your own grandchildren, that is one disadvantage of having an only child. So is having your child disappoint you in some way - all your hopes and dreams rest in the one child and there is no "backup kid" if things with your only child don't go as you hope. My parents got grandkitties, not grandkids. The upside being that they got to travel, not babysit!

Have another child if you want to, not because your daughter needs "the gift of a sibling." Many siblings aren't close, or are out-and-out estranged. Some hate each other.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 5:20 PM on February 6, 2016 [7 favorites]

Only child here. Have had this conversation with numerous friends of as-of-now only one child who grew up with siblings and wanted the perspective of an only child.

As pointed out above one reasonable concern is shouldering the burden of caring for aging parents alone. A friend with a sister pointed out that merely having siblings is no guarantee of actual helping share these burdens - people are selfish and let each other down all the time. Likewise, I lost my dad when he was 67 - it was obviously too soon but it there had to be a silver lining its that it spared us both from having to deal with prolonged end of life care issues.
posted by Exceptional_Hubris at 5:23 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]

Oh and the grandchildren thing is a very very real consideration. My own mom is unlikely to ever have any biological grandkids largely due to having putt all her eggs in one (my) basket.
posted by Exceptional_Hubris at 5:24 PM on February 6, 2016

My son is growing up as an only in our house although he does have a half-sister who is 12 years older and with whom he now has a nice relationship. She has never lived with us. Our son is a typical only in that people have always remarked on his vocabulary and his broad general knowledge and his sort of sophisticated sense of humour. When the only people you have to talk to at home are adults who listen to the CBC you're going sound like an adult who listens to the CBC even though you're 10 or whatever. Around here being an only is not uncommon, nor have I ever picked up any negative vibe about people who only have one child. Our son is 15 now doesn't mind that he's been the only kid in the house. He and his sister will have to split the care of four parents later I guess!
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 5:33 PM on February 6, 2016

Best answer: I gotta pretty much agree with everyone else: being an only child is generally awesome and you will turn out well and mostly less stressed than those with siblings. The only problems are (a) a possible lack of grandkids (sorry, mom) and (b) being the only caregiver. However, in my experience at caregivers' support groups, 9 times out of 10 the default caregiver is going to be the daughter who lives closest to the parent, and if there are only sons it's gonna be the daughter-in-law living closest to the parent. Everyone else pretty much gets off scott free or shows up once a year to act like they care and show off a bit. (Plus looking at my parents' siblings, geez.) So having a second kid to make sure someone can pay for your nursing home, I dunno on that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:59 PM on February 6, 2016 [3 favorites]

Best answer: We have an almost 17mo old and my husband had a vasectomy just over a year ago (yup, when kiddo was 4mo old). We suspected we only wanted one for all the reasons you list (attachment parent-y, budget constraints, no family around to help, etc), combined with the fact that having a sibling guarantees the children nothing. Siblings aren't guaranteed to be close or helpful. To answer the title question - what's it like to be one and done? - it's awesome. The choice is made and we don't have to think about it anymore - we are free to go ahead with the rest of our lives (and have all the worry-free sex). Our kid is great, and our little trio is a great team.

I think wanting grandchildren is a terrible reason to have a second (or ANY) kids.

I have two siblings, but no cousins, so we were the focus of four grandparents and three aunts (to varying degrees). It did us zero harm, and I ended up quite close to one set of grandparents and one aunt (the one of the three who did not have a mental illness - again, siblings don't guarantee anything). The three of us are looking at caring for both parents and the three aunts. I'm less worried about our dad and two of our aunts, who actually prepared for their retirement. Trickier is the aunt on disability; and the real weight is my mom who is completely unprepared (and has other issues - like hoarding).

I think socialization is relatively easy to address - and if you can teach some leadership skills, they'll be more than fine. Families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, including trios, and they can make a family up of close friends if they want that as an adult.

As far as the retirement thing - look after your own financial, physical and mental health as much as you can *this*. Fund your retirement such that you can bring in help (cleaners, nurses, etc) as need, be willing to move to be near your kid (rather than assuming vice-versa), prepare paperwork ahead of time, and be willing to have straightforward conversations.

MeMail me anytime!
posted by jrobin276 at 6:09 PM on February 6, 2016 [4 favorites]

Best answer: I was 100% convinced I was going to be one and done—until I found myself pregnant with my surprise second kid. I was really ambivalent about it, as I had come to feel peace about my decision to have an "only" child, and really reveled in that bond, and really dreaded a repeat of my not-fun early post-partum experience. But I'm so glad that I had my surprise second. It's been so good in so many ways. His easygoing personality right from the start challenged both me and his sensitive introverted sister to up our games and expand our comfort zones, and as they've grown into teenagers they still learn from each other in terms of ways to be in the world. And for me, I've had the opportunity to be a different kind of parent, as they each have different needs and respond to different things. That's been a real gift, learning how to be agile as a parent (and also made me realize how much they really come as they are and how little of it has to do with me, if that makes any sense). And specifically, in my case, I got to have the best do-over post-partum experience in that I got to have the good/relatively easy experience I'd hoped to have the first time but definitely didn't. It was just the luck of the draw—if I'd had my second kid first, I might have had zero reservations about more, but the first one was such a rough start for me, it made me wary. Having my second helped me forgive myself/heal a little bit from that. And now they're 13 and 16 and both mad at me because the wifi's not working, so there you go!
posted by mothershock at 6:11 PM on February 6, 2016 [8 favorites]

Best answer: If it's helpful, here's the other side of the story-- not one and done. I was also AP-ish (babywearing, frequent co-sleeping, occasional cloth diapering, nursed until past two). Kid 1 weaned easily when I was a few weeks pregnant and I couldn't deal with the sensitive nipples+bfing toddler. She was about 2 3/4 when kid 2 was born. I was probably a bit less AP with kid 2, who actually liked sleeping in her crib, and who got slings instead of woven baby wraps. Kid 1 loved having a baby sister from the beginning; she had no problem adjusting whatsoever. They have loved having each other to play with (and, admittedly, fight with) ever since. Life is easier because they have a built-in play date to infinity.

That's the good.

There absolutely were challenges, though-- having a second kid was hard for family mental health, and spouse and I were diagnosed with various long term issues within a year or two of kid 2's birth. I suspect partly brought out into the open by the stress. It was, indeed, much harder to balance work and parenting with two, though to be fair, I think this was partly just that kid 1 was an easy baby and a slightly more challenging toddler and preschooler. It absolutely shifted our parenting farther out of balance, and most AP families struggle with that some already. So, looking at the issue very practically, some of having two kids is easier. Some is much harder. We never really considered stopping at one, but after having two, I did spend some time questioning why we hadn't thought more about how challenging it might be.
posted by instamatic at 6:16 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]

It sounds like you are asking for permission to have an only child, and if that's the case you may be interested in reading "Maybe One" by Bill McKibben. It's ultimately an environmental argument for having one child, but he also does a lot of debunking of negative myths about only children and talks about the positive points of being an only.

My anecdata point: I have two kids, and while I adore both of them and don't regret our decision to have two, I often wish I could have more alone time with my older kid. He's old enough that we can actually enjoy hanging out together and I can share some of my favorite books, movies, etc... except with a little sibling around, it's difficult to get that older-kid quality time. Meanwhile, a friend of my older kid is an only child, and spends a lot of time hanging out with his parents (which they all enjoy), and I kind of envy them.
posted by chickenmagazine at 6:19 PM on February 6, 2016

I think part of the problem is that if I had more resources (money, support) and could be guaranteed an experience like mothershock's, I would go for a second one... but I don't and I'm not. Each child is a gamble. There is just no way to know.
posted by jrobin276 at 6:39 PM on February 6, 2016

I'd also like to recommend "One and Only" which I read when my daughter was about your kid's age, maybe earlier. Really interesting perspective on what is actually great about only children. In fact, it really influenced the way I parent my child and I should re-read it again now that she's older.
posted by amanda at 6:39 PM on February 6, 2016

Best answer: Unpopular opinion here: I'm an only child. I hate it. I've always hated it. The perks have not outweighed the negatives for me.

Now that I've grown up, though, I realize that just having one was definitely the best decision for everyone involved. Kid WanKenobi will be absolutely fine as an only child. I am, too: I grew up well, and my life is happy even though my sibling wish was never fulfilled. For your decision, focus on you and your partner's feelings and concerns. Trust your gut feelings.
posted by elerina at 6:43 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I'm an only.

I wasn't ever going to NOT be an only, because I was supposed to be impossible and then I happened anyway. I don't know when I knew that, but I never wanted a sibling for whatever reason.

I think I've made this point in an only-child AskMe before, but my childhood was amazing. My mom and dad could (through their own good planning and because there was just one of me) basically give me a cool, fun life that I super enjoyed, and I got to choose what I wanted to do quite a lot. Want to take up the saxophone? Fantastic, no question let's do that. Want to be in drama, debate, whatever? There's only one of you, NBD there's only you to worry about. And so on.

But the thing that made me really see how lucky I was, was when my Mormon friend told me at graduation, "You have no idea how lucky you are that your parents only ever had to worry about you." I mean, this kid had 7 siblings to contend with, so scale that, but it really drove home to me how lucky I am.

I went to exactly the school I wanted to go to for College. It has been a big deal to me in that I feel my degree and the experience of getting it really molded who I am, and also, I haven't had student loan debt, because they could (at the time) afford to pay for me. It has been a huge leg up in this world we live in. I can't deny that a bit. I've been incredibly lucky in that regard.

As an adult, my parents have always been able to help me. I don't think they could if there were other kids. I never needed a lot of help, but I can see so many times when this kind of help as adults drives a wedge between siblings. That just never came up.

It's true, there's no one to help me with my parents when they get truly old, but then again, we talk about what they want and my parents are also very proactive and serious about planning for their old age / long term care / that kind of thing. It's extremely necessary, I think, if you're in an only-child situation, that you're open to having these discussions. My mom talks to me every year at least about their financial planning, who their guy is now, all that kind of thing. I don't think it's morbid, I think it's smart. But this is the woman who raised me, so no big surprise.

I could go on forever about what I think is awesome about being an only. I think I turned out great, and I can really, really see in hindsight what advantages I've had partly and sometimes wholly to do with my parents' ability to focus their time and resources only on me. It can be an incredible way to grow up.
posted by Medieval Maven at 6:45 PM on February 6, 2016 [8 favorites]

Best answer: I am an only child. I only skimmed the other responses, so sorry if this is repetitive! I also am not entirely sure how to describe the experience of growing up without siblings, as I've never experienced anything else. It was normal to me, as were all the other quirks of my childhood, whether actually normal or not. I think that kids tend to accept their own family as baseline normal unless something challenges this perception.

That said, I think I have a much closer and more -- the only word I can think of is "equal"-- relationship with my parents than I would otherwise. Because there were only three of us there was not really an "adults versus children" dynamic in our house.

I don't feel like I was spoiled; I probably was a little spoiled, though.

I feel curious about the sibling relationship, because it's one of the major types of human relationships that I will never experience. But no one gets to experience everything in life! And many of those with siblings have never had the experience of growing up without them.

I do worry about when my parents get older, how I will be the only one to step in if they need help.

If you want my advice, I don't think you should have another child just to give your daughter a sibling. I'm pretty happy! Many only children are. But so are many people with siblings. I don't think there's any way to predict which will be better.
posted by Henrietta Stackpole at 7:13 PM on February 6, 2016 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Only child here. A lot of good advice already. I'll just add that once I turned 9 or 10 family vacations got to be kind of a bummer. It was just me and my parents, almost all the time, which was not really that fun (sorry parents, but it's true). In fact, I think the only time I really wished I had a sibling was while on vacation.

Of course that's not a reason to only have one kid. My experience was similar to Medieval Maven. The amount of independence I had was crazy awesome and my parents tended to treat me like an adult more often (I got annoyed when other adults would talk to me like I was a child).

I guess I'm saying that I'm not mad about being an only child, but if you're going on vacation, maybe think about ways that your child could get away from you for awhile? I know bringing a friend of your daughter's along may seem strange, but she may enjoy it more. Also think about vacations where your daughter may get to spend time with other kids.
posted by mcmile at 7:15 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: It sounds like you are asking for permission to have an only child

I'm really not! I'm absolutely truly ambivalent and could see the benefits of going either way.

I admit I've felt some real pressure to make a decision already, both from peers who talk up the benefits of having many closely spaced children (they can play with each other, it teaches siblings to share and that they're not at the center of the universe, it makes you more of an authority over the children rather than a playmate, you're done with diapers quickly) and from my mother-in-law, whose sons were exactly 18 months apart. The answers here have reaffirmed my sense that, in the very least, it's fine to wait. I should know this, I suppose. I'm five years younger than my sister and actually never felt what melissasaurus describes as that backup kid feeling until I had my daughter and experienced the intensity of being the first child via her. Both my parents had plenty of time with me since my sister was in school, and I remembered feeling very well-loved as a young child. I've read some research that suggests that, to that end, distantly spaced siblings tend to reap many of the benefits of onlies. I did sometimes feel frustrated when my sister was put in a caretaker role when I wanted a peer, particularly as we got older, but perhaps it's possible to disrupt that dynamic if we're mindful.

Or maybe we'll only have one! I'm still not sure, but these stories have been helpful in giving me new data to consider. I've checked some answers as best not because they've helped me to decide either way but because they felt particularly illuminating to our situation or have given me new perspectives to consider. Please feel free to keep the stories coming, and thank you.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:18 PM on February 6, 2016 [1 favorite]

I want to offer a counterpoint to Eyebrows McGee up top; nothing made me more grateful to be an only child (especially of divorced parents) than my aunts' and uncle's behaviour in the aftermath of my grandfather's passing. All three of them acted in incredibly dickish, childish ways and made an already rough time much harder on my mother and grandmother.

I am an only child, and while I do wish, sometimes, that I did have a sibling, it's more along the lines of 'paths not taken' than any real longing. I contrast my personality (independent, adventuresome, capable of entertaining myself) with my mother (introverted, terrified of trying new things) and wonder how much of the difference is because she always had siblings as a safety net and how much is other issues.

Also, not having siblings has been great because it's forced me to actually create a found family, whom I adore as much as I would actual blood relatives (more, actually, because several of my blood relatives are batshit.) I also have several cousins who I'm pretty close to, so that's one option for you, if you have siblings.

I agree with what some posters said about onlies benefiting from parents' greater ability to devote attention and resources to them; while I'm not spoiled (at least not much) I have greatly benefited financially and otherwise, from my parents not having two children to support, and I suspect that this benefit will also play out in the higher retirement savings they've been able to accumulate.

My advice to you is that if you do decide to stick with just one, encourage her to make friends and support those friendships. My mother doesn't understand that my friends ARE my family and that's been very hurtful, over the years. So don't do that to your kid.
posted by Tamanna at 7:32 PM on February 6, 2016 [4 favorites]

I wasn't aware anyone considered only children an aberration. I think it's fine and normal - and so is having multiple kids. As others have said, make the choice based on what's best for you, not what you think might be best for your child(ren). You will be at your best as a parent when you're in a good place - emotionally, financially, physically. I think my parents were most comfortable with a single child, and that's probably part of the reason they were awesome parents. Other folks may do better with multiple kids. It's great that you're giving serious thought to this choice.

My experience as an only child was similar to that of desjardins and many others: Somewhat isolated, but I learned to entertain myself and even now, in my mid-20s, people continue to assume I'm older.

I always wished for neighbors my age, but never really wanted a sibling. I knew people with siblings: some clearly had fun together, but they also spent SO MUCH TIME bickering. At least one friend of mine had a very negative relationship with a second sibling who was intended as a "friend and companion."

We lived in an isolated spot with no other kids around, but my parents did make a concerted effort (sometimes in spite of my own preferences) to ensure that I socialized with kids my age: riding the bus home, after-school clubs, joint vacations with family friends who had kids.

I think being an only child led me to develop certain traits earlier than many of my peers: sense of self, focused conversation, lots of hobbies. There are other things that I'm picking up much later in life, like small talk and habits for cohabitation. I skipped over the alcohol/drugs/parties stage that most folks seemed to have in high school or college. I doubt it was a better or worse experience overall than having siblings, it was just different.

I got a dog instead to appease the maternal instinct

It wouldn't have occurred to me, except the other day my mom said the difficulty of training their new Border Collie seemed like karmic backlash for having such an easy kid. Maybe now I know why they've always had dogs...

9 times out of 10 the default caregiver is going to be the daughter who lives closest to the parent, and if there are only sons it's gonna be the daughter-in-law living closest to the parent

YES. Definitely consistent with my family. Fortunately for me, my parents have the foresight and financial ability to make their own arrangements, and have done so.
posted by sibilatorix at 7:36 PM on February 6, 2016 [4 favorites]

"peers who talk up the benefits of having many closely spaced children (they can play with each other, it teaches siblings to share and that they're not at the center of the universe, it makes you more of an authority over the children rather than a playmate, you're done with diapers quickly)"

Regarding timing, my siblings are two, six, and twelve years younger than I am, and I have close relationships with all of them. Different in each case, but close. And they have close relationships with each other. It IS nice to have someone very close in age, I have shared experiences with that brother that are particular to us having been so close together, but it's also really nice to have a larger gap. With my sister who is six years younger, we were too far apart for sibling rivalry but still close enough in age to have shared interests. We were ALWAYS friends; we never had a period where we were at each other's throats because we were in competition or at the same school or sharing the same friends. With the twelve-year-younger brother, I got to baby him and coddle him and by the time he was old enough for ice cream I was old enough to drive to the ice cream parlor and had babysitting income to treat him to ridiculous sundaes.

Super-close is great -- my own kids are two years apart and watching them be best buds is fantastic, it's true -- but a larger gap has its own benefits and while they won't be age-mate best buds, there's nothing that prevents you from being BFFs with your siblings who are a little farther apart in age.

And one of the nice things about children is, they like other children, and they're not super-picky about the age gap. It's great to have someone near their age to play with as equals; but it's also great to have someone older to admire and follow around like a duckling or someone younger to spoil and teach.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:48 PM on February 6, 2016 [3 favorites]

Best answer: About the spacing thing: We ended up spacing our kids out a bit, not entirely intentionally, but it worked out that they're almost 5 years apart. I can tell you this: five year olds make excellent siblings! My daughter is an amazing big sister and truly helpful and loving with "her baby." She was old enough to know that she wanted a sibling (I know some kids don't, but mine did), she was very excited about the birth and 2nd pregnancy was much easier than if I had been parenting a toddler. She's now independent enough to play alone when necessary, she sleeps through the night so I don't have to worry about two kids waking up at night, etc. Have you heard your friends with two kids closely spaced say their life with the 2nd newborn is that peaceful? I didn't think so. I worry sometimes that they won't be friends growing up because of the age gap, but I'm 18 months apart from my sibling and we fought constantly. As far as the back-up thing goes, I actually have been worried that my first will be jealous of the baby because he's just the sweetest, most pleasant little baby ever. I get to sniff his little baby head and also read fun books with the preschooler. If you do decide to try for another, I can tell you this scenario is pretty great.
posted by areaperson at 8:01 PM on February 6, 2016 [2 favorites]

I just want to put in a plug for siblings, if that's fair game for this question. There's someone in my life whose bed I climbed into at 5 am on Christmas morning to say "Santa came!", with whom I spied on various adults all one summer, and with whom I now discuss beer and get good advice on life. I'd say my life has been richer for that continuity, and I look forward to seeing how our relationship evolves over time.
posted by salvia at 9:24 PM on February 6, 2016 [5 favorites]

Just a note that I don't like the idea of having kids in order to have grandkids. No matter how many kids you have, that's no guarantee that they'll reproduce as they're autonomous beings. I'm an only child and am not having children. My husband has a sister but at this point she's leaning toward no children, so my in-laws may never have grandchildren even though they have two kids. (Both sides of the family are totally cool with not having grandbabies. They have dogs.)

But yeah, I'll pile onto the "I'm an only child and it was awesome" plus the "If you want a second, that's cool too." I definitely agree that you shouldn't have a kid just to have a playmate for your current kid. There's no guarantee that they'll get along and I think there's boredom in childhood no matter if you have a sibling or not.

I was really glad I didn't really have to share my parents' time, and money would have been super tight if I had a sibling. My dad and I are best buddies but I don't think we would be as close if I had a sibling.

I also don't think being an only child is negative in society to the child. I'm sure there's the "when are you having another one?" pressure to you as a parent, but as a kid, who hardly knew any other families with one kid - I didn't get any social negativity. Sure I had some times I was bored, but I think that's actually healthy so you can learn to entertain yourself. And now, more and more families are stopping with only one child.

As far as age gap, I've seen families where a big age gap is no biggie. On the other hand I had a friend with a 9 yr old and 2 yr old girl. They were prime fightin' age. One was going through hormone changes as a young girl and the other was in terrible twos. So, every kid and every family is different.

It's a really personal choice so I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that I wouldn't have wanted a sibling.
posted by Crystalinne at 9:40 PM on February 6, 2016

Just a datapoint: My parents had five kids, each one about 1-2 years after the last. They were also pretty poor/working class, so we definitely didn't get a lot of new school clothes or gymnastic lessons or any help with college tuition (luckily financial aid covered us all in that regard).

HOWEVER, I literally love all my siblings more than anyone else in the world. There have been times where my relationship with each of them was (I felt) the only good thing in my life! And now that I'm post-college, my relationships with them are the strongest relationships I have. We have really very little in common on paper, but I hope to move closer to home once I'm done with grad school because living near my siblings and family makes my adult life feel so much richer.

And for reference, as a young child I was closest with my oldest sister, then in my late teens I was actually closest with my youngest sister (with a 7 year age gap), in my early twenties my second-oldest sister, and now I'm probably closest with my second-youngest sister. So age doesn't matter so much, and it fluctuates all the time.

No matter how many kids you have, that's no guarantee that they'll reproduce as they're autonomous beings.

This is true, of course, but it does make it more likely and takes the pressure off the kids who don't want to reproduce, if one of their siblings steps up to the plate. (I say this as the oldest of five, childless, meanwhile three of my younger sisters have at least one baby. I will also add that two of my sisters have toddlers with either an infant or one on the way, and they definitely find it much harder to wrangle the whole family, leave the house without another adult to help, etc. They are both semi-SAHMs who live close to my parents who babysit, though, so it's a little easier for them.)

I have NO IDEA how my parents ever went anywhere with five babies. It was kind of a circus, but also kind of nice that my childhood was "busy" rather than full of ennui.

We also all lived in a three bedroom house, which meant my parents had a bedroom, and the rest of us shared the remaining two. One had bunkbeds and one had a big king sized bed. We shared the beds and slept in pairs (or groups) literally until each one of us went to college. It really wasn't a big deal. There were times I was a whiny teen who wanted her own walls to paint etc., but in general it just felt normal to me. Good preparation for college and cohabitation, too. Having read a lot of YA books as a child, I feel like siblings sharing a room is pretty normal.
posted by stoneandstar at 11:29 PM on February 6, 2016 [4 favorites]

(All that said, my best friend throughout grade school was an only child, and he got all the comic books he wanted plus science kits and family vacations. It made me have lots of "I wish I could have all my parents' resources!!" feels as a kid, but my sisters were still my favorite people.)
posted by stoneandstar at 11:31 PM on February 6, 2016

For what it's worth, having a 2nd child to solve potential future problems is a terrible idea. I have two sisters. This number of offspring guarantees nothing. While we love one another we're not close and we're certainly not buddies. None of us is in a position to provide eldercare help to my parents since none of us live anywhere near them.

And while my youngest sister is a fab, admirable adult, every kid is a genetic lottery. I have to tell you that her teenage years were horrendous due to late diagnosis and treatment of OCD. My mother still refers to it as living under a Stalinist regime, and we're all still slightly traumatised in a way that effects our family dynamics to this day.

I genuinely don't think there is a better or worse answer here, and you should do what works best for the family unit you have now.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:00 AM on February 7, 2016 [2 favorites]

Only child here who agrees with much of what has already been said in terms of the positives. I had a wonderful childhood, learned to entertain myself, be independent, and, since I had friends from a young age, never felt lonely. As a child, I randomly would wish I had a sibling, but it was more of a passing "what if?" thought than something that bothered me. As an adult, I am mostly grateful that I don't have siblings because that hasn't worked out too well on either side of my extended families. The only time I've wished I had a sibling was when I was providing unexpected, 24-7 medical care, and couldn't tag out for a little bit. There are ways around that without a sibling though, and my Mom has planned for her future with a long term care policy and smart financial decisions.

The biggest negative has been the automatic assumption by some that only children are spoiled, selfish, and think the world revolves around them. It's incredibly insulting, and I certainly wasn't raised that way. I was taught to share, help, socialize appropriately, and be kind. You get the kids you raise, regardless of whether you have 1 or 2 or 10. Parents who assert that you need more kids to raise a sociable, well-adjusted, non-bratty person are just ignorant. The handful of only children who blame their selfishness or other bad behavior on being an only child give the majority of only children a bad name. I'm supposed to take it as a compliment when people are shocked that I don't have siblings, and to some extent, I do, but the underlying negative stereotypes about only children still rankle a bit.

All that said, I can also say that I know people with siblings who have great relationships with each other and couldn't imagine life without them. Anecdotally, it seems they almost always have a "rough patch" while growing up, but the same thing happens with kids and adults. So, I see the advantages to both, and, as many have said, you just don't know what you are going to get.

I should probably note that my parents, both who had multiple siblings, didn't plan on having an only child. They were aiming for 2, but life just didn't turn out that way. They just went along being excellent parents before and after they realized I was going to be an only child, and I think that worked out rather well. Make your choices based on what's best for you and your existing household. Maybe that means expanding your family or maybe that means "one and done." You're the only person who can make that call, but rest assured, whatever happens, you can have the happy, fulfilling family experience you want.
posted by katemcd at 5:58 AM on February 7, 2016 [3 favorites]

I'm absolutely truly ambivalent and could see the benefits of going either way.

I've got three kids and the THREE incredibly wonderful positives are that:

#1 there are two other people on the planet who really, really KNOW them and with whom they have the exact same shared references;

#2 no matter how bad a thing may be, they automatically have two people in the world who will drop everything to talk to and/or help them;

#3 because of 1 and 2, they also have two people in the world who will call them on their bullshit and tell them when they're being stupid.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:01 AM on February 7, 2016 [4 favorites]

Having siblings doesn't guarantee a child won't be lonely or be sole caretaker for its parents.

You can prevent much of the "sole caretaker" stress through realistic end-of-life planning.
posted by zennie at 8:17 AM on February 7, 2016 [3 favorites]

We have an only child. , he's 5 now. I had a lot of the same on-the-fence feelings about having another when he was a toddler, though he was a very challenging baby and not wanting to go through that again was a bit of a factor. In the end, money is the reason we didn't have a second (infant care at the cheap place in town is $400/week and we both need to and want to work outside the home).

I was very sad for a while when it became clear that this would be our path, but now that I've had some time to live with it, I'm happy with how it's turned out. He's in a junior sword fighting class right now, running around with other kids pretending to be knights, which he loves and we could absolutely not afford with a second kid. We're able to sign him up for lots of fun activities on weekends so he can socialize with kids, and he's in an afterschool program on weekdays, so he doesn't have much time to be lonely. We make an effort to visit friends with kids often. He comes to dinner with us and our friends often. Ultimately, we can give him a more interesting and fun life as an only than we could if we were always broke and stressed about money. We're happier being able to take a vacation or long weekend once in a while when he can go to the grandparents, which would be harder to do with a second kid. We also don't have family close, revisiting the huge work load of a baby while also meeting the needs of a kid seems almost insurmountably hard now.

I have a good relationship with my brother and I do get sad thinking that my son won't ever know what that's like, but this is his normal and there's no promise he'd even like a sibling if one existed. My mom is always mad at her sister for one ridiculous reason or another, and they are grown ass adults.
posted by banjo_and_the_pork at 8:50 AM on February 7, 2016

yohko: I have a friend who is planning to be caring for both an adult special needs sibling as well as aging parents.

zennie: Having siblings doesn't guarantee a child won't be lonely or be sole caretaker for its parents.

Anecdotal, of course, but I'm in the same boat as yohko's friend. My parents had me, and then decided to have a second child. My brother is two years younger than me and severely, severely mentally and physically handicapped (he is 23 now - mentally like an infant, physically like a toddler). We have truly amazing parents who have made the best of an unfortunate situation, but honestly I would have preferred to have been an only child.

Having a second kid isn't a good way to prepare for old age - even if your second child turns out to be healthy and neurotypical and everything, he or she might grow up to be a flake or a deadbeat or otherwise unwilling to care for you when you're old. Plus, with the money you would save by having just one kid, you could set yourselves up nicely for retirement.

I guess I would also just say, if you're ambivalent about something this big, it's probably best to err on the side of caution since you can't really "un-do" it.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 11:05 AM on February 7, 2016 [3 favorites]

I'm an only child. I always kind of vaguely wanted siblings, but mostly in the grass-is-greener way; I was lonely sometimes as a kid, but it wasn't that bad especially because my parents had a lot of time and attention to devote to me. When I started college I was a little behind my peers in terms of stuff like being considerate of roommates, but I figured it out eventually :).

The money thing was a big factor for my parents and one that I definitely felt the advantages of. With two kids, it would have been a financial necessity for my dad to stay at the long-hours job he didn't like, instead of being able to quit and start his own business. That choice made him and my mom happier -- happy parents are good for kids! -- and also gave him more time to spend with me. And when my parents inherited some money, they were able to buy me a debt-free education at my dream college, which was great for me and wouldn't have been able to happen for two kids. So I think the financial balance made one kid a good choice for our family.
posted by anotherthink at 12:24 PM on February 7, 2016

Best answer: I'm the oldest of four, loved growing up with my siblings, am quite close to them today. I was sure I'd have four children of my own. I got married at 18 and had Big Blessed at 22. By the time he was 2, I was 100% certain that I was One And Done for a myriad of reasons that looked pretty similar to your list, OP, and some others that'd take too long to list.

But it was great! Big Blessed and I had alot of wonderful adventures together. I'm not sure those adventures would have been possible if we'd had 3 siblings in tow. His dad and I divorced when he was about 6 and it was tough but we all made it through.

When Big Blessed was 10 I met and married my second husband. And I knew I wanted another baby. New husband was amiable to the idea but was also fine with the title of stepdad. It wasn't because I wanted to "start a new family" with my new husband as so many in our social/family circle suggested. It certainly wasn't because Big Blessed had finally convinced me, after many years of nagging, to "give" him a little brother. It was because I couldn't imagine my life without another child to love.

And it's wonderful! Though it is just the 3 of us now, we've had and continue to have amazing adventures together. Little Blessed is the light of our lives and the apple of his big brother's eye. Big and Little are 11 years apart in age but joined at the hip in love. I wouldn't change a thing.

So that's my story of parenting an only then changing my mind (way, way!) later. I think your question is an excellent one and you and your husband sound like loving, thoughtful parents. Good on you! Whatever you choose, will be the right choice!

To the very excellent perspectives, advice and thoughts from the wise commenters above, I'd only add this: get all the advice you can, then do exactly as you please.
posted by blessedlyndie at 5:09 PM on February 7, 2016 [2 favorites]

One of the reasons I decided to have a second kid was that I really LOVED being a mom and by most accounts, I am very good at it. So for selfish reasons, I wanted to get to parent another kid.

I was also head over heels in love with my eldest and knew that she would be an amazing sister, which has turned out to be true.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 5:56 AM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]

Agree with the above that you can't guarantee that siblings will like one another. My closest-in-age brother and I had several incidents when we were little where we literally tried to kill one another. It must be genetic because once, when my mom was babysitting two of my cousins, she found the older trying to drown the younger in the bathtub. (No slams to my mom - she'd left them alone for a minute at most).

Closest-in-age brother and I are 2 years apart; my cousins are 2 years apart as well.

Also, agree that you can't guarantee that siblings will help out with elder care. My parents had multiple big surgeries last year; two neurotypical siblings live within an hour of them. Who had to fly across the country and work remotely for 5 months to help out our parents? Me. Because those siblings are flakes and unreliable. I have an adult disabled sibling, and his care will fall solely on me once our parents are gone, for the same reason.

One of those siblings is a sister, and older, so it's not even that I'm the oldest or the whole women take on emotional labor thing. Our parents are decent people and did a good job raising us. I have no idea why our family is the way it is in some ways. I chalk it up to the random nature of the world. I think anyone who chooses to have kids is really brave because I can't imagine inviting that randomness into my life on purpose.
posted by RogueTech at 7:40 AM on February 8, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'm an only, my husband is an only, and so is my mom. For 40+ years it's been astounding. Both my husband and I sing the praises of only-ness.

I was rarely lonely, I make friends easily and I've always been extremely self-sufficient and very good at staying entertained. The only real drawback I've seen is that now that my dad has passed away, my mother doesn't have any other family to rely on. So I can't do the long-distance daughter thing like I prefer, but it's not that big of a burden.

And let me say that there is something amazing about knowing that there is no one else in the world that ranks above you in your parents' eyes. The security of knowing that I would *always* be the "good one" was really awesome. Parents of more than one kid may be able to give that, but I saw all my cousins and friends struggle a great deal with the idea that their parents preferred another sibling over them.

The funny part about this question is that in our social circle the first round of new parents have started considering the possibility of second children. Three of the couples asked my husband and I directly what life was like as an only, because we are the sole onlies they know. Two of them have chosen to have second children and both of the moms have mentioned recently that they wish they had listened to us and stopped with one. Granted they are both parents of toddlers and new infants, so once the drama of a newborn wears off, they may feel differently.

The other couple has decided to wait a good bit before entertaining the idea of a second kid.
posted by teleri025 at 10:16 AM on February 8, 2016

I'm an only child and I was very lonely as a kid but that is down to my parents not really socialising me. They themselves were not sociable so I was around adults a lot which sort of gave me a permanent 'seriousness' that I find difficult to get rid of. I would have been fine if I had things to do and other kids to mix with. I guess I needed more of a life.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 10:17 AM on February 8, 2016

Sorry, I posted my answer not to convince you that five kids is better than one, but because despite having very little material blessings in our lives, I never resented my sisters because I didn't get enough money or attention from my parents. You should absolutely prioritize your own finances and feeling comfortable in that regard, but I don't think kids really feel... that? As much? I don't know, maybe if I hated my siblings I would've been more angry about gymnastic lessons.
posted by stoneandstar at 1:35 PM on February 8, 2016

I recently read this blog post about breastfeeding in Mongolia and how their children are typically spaced 4.5 years apart - probably a good part due to their high rate of full term breastfeeding. If I *were* to have another child, 4.5 years seems plausible, because my 2.5yo is still a mama-milk-loving monster.
posted by jillithd at 7:08 AM on February 26, 2016