Seeking romantic compatibility anecdata
January 31, 2016 9:53 PM Subscribe
Deep in limerence, but the first attempt at sex was disappointing.
So, I've been working very hard on my self these last couple years and its paid off. I used to be quite desperate to find "the love of my life", until I realized I had to love myself first (hokey but true). Without going through everything here, I've been single for the last couple years but had a number of dates, flings, and one night stands. After none of them turning into anything more, I decided to take a break to concentrate on friends/family/work (before today I hadn't had sex in 7 months).
3 months ago I started to develop feelings for a friend that I've know for over a year. We know each other from being in the same group of friends, but gradually began to hang out by ourselves once we learned we liked the same type of exotic food. So it turned into a "hey! someone to take food adventures with!" type of thing. Neither of us were sure if we were doing this just as friends with a mutual interest, or was it something more? We were both to shy to ask the other. After 4 of these food "dates" (plus seeing each other in our group as usual), he finally confessed feelings for me. I was thrilled to hear it since I was crushing hard at this point. So for the last 3 weeks we've been in mutual, moony limerence. We agreed to take things slow sexually, and last night after an especially romantic date, I asked him to stay the night for the first time. I said that I wasn't necessarily ready for sex, but felt comfortable deepening our intimacy further by spending the whole night together. The night was great! We stayed up late talking, slow dancing to 60s girl group music, and even taking the meyers-briggs test! (I got INFP and he ISFJ)
Anyway, we went to bed, did some heavy making-out, and then feel asleep. The next morning I was so happy to wake up next to him, I initiated sex. Well...it was pretty meh. I don't want it to affect how I feel about him..I still adore him, but I can't help but be bummed it wasn't a fireworks type of thing. I'm also worried that this means we will have a bummer sex life from here on out. Could I be wrong though? Can this be fixed?
Here is what made it bad:
--His penis is smaller than I expected. Not micro, but I'd say smaller than average. I'm not a size queen, just hoped it would be bigger. Sorry if this sounds harsh I'm just being honest.
--Combine this with the fact that I was insanely wet (I think this is on account of the time of the month, plus its been so long for me I was probably overly horny) there was a lot of slippage/stopping to put it back in.
--Neither of us came because he lost his hard-on. He blamed the condom (not in a asshole type of way, but it was my condom and he says he uses a different kind) so we stopped after only a few minutes.
Heres the good, and hope that it could be better next time:
--He was super sweet and considerate. He wanted me to come so went down on me, and he was perfectly good at that, but I still didn't come because I was too inside my head.
--He has a beautiful body..strong, thick limbs, smooth skin with the right amount of hair..clean and smells great. In fact for being so new holding him feels familiar, like he's family.
--In his defense, we weren't planning on having sex, and while I swear I'm not playing games, it could have thrown him for a loop.
--Plus it was morning and we barely slept, so maybe the energy wasn't there.
--Maybe because we DO like each other so much, the first time was bound to be tepid and um, not like the hot sex thats easier with someone you barely know.
So what do you all think? Red flag or am I totally overthinking this? I really really like this guy and want this to work.
So, I've been working very hard on my self these last couple years and its paid off. I used to be quite desperate to find "the love of my life", until I realized I had to love myself first (hokey but true). Without going through everything here, I've been single for the last couple years but had a number of dates, flings, and one night stands. After none of them turning into anything more, I decided to take a break to concentrate on friends/family/work (before today I hadn't had sex in 7 months).
3 months ago I started to develop feelings for a friend that I've know for over a year. We know each other from being in the same group of friends, but gradually began to hang out by ourselves once we learned we liked the same type of exotic food. So it turned into a "hey! someone to take food adventures with!" type of thing. Neither of us were sure if we were doing this just as friends with a mutual interest, or was it something more? We were both to shy to ask the other. After 4 of these food "dates" (plus seeing each other in our group as usual), he finally confessed feelings for me. I was thrilled to hear it since I was crushing hard at this point. So for the last 3 weeks we've been in mutual, moony limerence. We agreed to take things slow sexually, and last night after an especially romantic date, I asked him to stay the night for the first time. I said that I wasn't necessarily ready for sex, but felt comfortable deepening our intimacy further by spending the whole night together. The night was great! We stayed up late talking, slow dancing to 60s girl group music, and even taking the meyers-briggs test! (I got INFP and he ISFJ)
Anyway, we went to bed, did some heavy making-out, and then feel asleep. The next morning I was so happy to wake up next to him, I initiated sex. Well...it was pretty meh. I don't want it to affect how I feel about him..I still adore him, but I can't help but be bummed it wasn't a fireworks type of thing. I'm also worried that this means we will have a bummer sex life from here on out. Could I be wrong though? Can this be fixed?
Here is what made it bad:
--His penis is smaller than I expected. Not micro, but I'd say smaller than average. I'm not a size queen, just hoped it would be bigger. Sorry if this sounds harsh I'm just being honest.
--Combine this with the fact that I was insanely wet (I think this is on account of the time of the month, plus its been so long for me I was probably overly horny) there was a lot of slippage/stopping to put it back in.
--Neither of us came because he lost his hard-on. He blamed the condom (not in a asshole type of way, but it was my condom and he says he uses a different kind) so we stopped after only a few minutes.
Heres the good, and hope that it could be better next time:
--He was super sweet and considerate. He wanted me to come so went down on me, and he was perfectly good at that, but I still didn't come because I was too inside my head.
--He has a beautiful body..strong, thick limbs, smooth skin with the right amount of hair..clean and smells great. In fact for being so new holding him feels familiar, like he's family.
--In his defense, we weren't planning on having sex, and while I swear I'm not playing games, it could have thrown him for a loop.
--Plus it was morning and we barely slept, so maybe the energy wasn't there.
--Maybe because we DO like each other so much, the first time was bound to be tepid and um, not like the hot sex thats easier with someone you barely know.
So what do you all think? Red flag or am I totally overthinking this? I really really like this guy and want this to work.
You are totally overthinking this. Some times sexual compatability builds with intimacy. Give it some time. Relax. Enjoy each other. Build the intimacy with him and then, if you need to, talk about how you can make the sex better for both of you. But first give it more of a chance.
posted by teamnap at 10:06 PM on January 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by teamnap at 10:06 PM on January 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
It's very common to have better sex with time, as you learn more about each other sexually. Fireworks-type sexual compatibility + everything else being on point is very rare.
That said, for me a huge part of limerance is the sexual anticipating, so I understand your disappointment.
That said, if you really really like penetrative sex with a bigger dick, you might have to admit to yourself you're never going to really feel that the sex is all the way there. That's up to you, naturally. But I'd give it time to see!
Also, just imho, the "first time" is often hindered by the fact that it's a mental decision with a lot of emotional/psychological stuff going on (not pathological stuff obviously, just decision-making stuff), so it's not exactly the hottest, most spontaneous sex.
posted by easter queen at 10:16 PM on January 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
That said, for me a huge part of limerance is the sexual anticipating, so I understand your disappointment.
That said, if you really really like penetrative sex with a bigger dick, you might have to admit to yourself you're never going to really feel that the sex is all the way there. That's up to you, naturally. But I'd give it time to see!
Also, just imho, the "first time" is often hindered by the fact that it's a mental decision with a lot of emotional/psychological stuff going on (not pathological stuff obviously, just decision-making stuff), so it's not exactly the hottest, most spontaneous sex.
posted by easter queen at 10:16 PM on January 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
So happy to report that in every relationship I've had, the sex has gotten better the longer I've been with my lover. YMMV but that's a common occurrence among my girlfriends.
posted by Bella Donna at 10:26 PM on January 31, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 10:26 PM on January 31, 2016 [5 favorites]
In my experience it is really common for guys to have trouble maintaining an erection the first time with a new partner.
Re the rest, I think you have to figure out what you want and what "great" sex looks like for you. There are a lot of different kinds of sex, even a lot of different kinds of good sex.
If this dude really doesn't do it for you/you're really not feeling it, maybe it just isn't meant to be. But it kind of sounds like you're overthinking this and probably hyping first time sex up way more than you should.
I'd give things a little more time and see if it evens out. It's absolutely OK to date for a little while and decide after a few months that it's just not working out.
posted by Sara C. at 10:36 PM on January 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
Re the rest, I think you have to figure out what you want and what "great" sex looks like for you. There are a lot of different kinds of sex, even a lot of different kinds of good sex.
If this dude really doesn't do it for you/you're really not feeling it, maybe it just isn't meant to be. But it kind of sounds like you're overthinking this and probably hyping first time sex up way more than you should.
I'd give things a little more time and see if it evens out. It's absolutely OK to date for a little while and decide after a few months that it's just not working out.
posted by Sara C. at 10:36 PM on January 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
All that build-up probably psyched you both out a little - sounds like a recipe for a lost erection. Try not to sweat it. Once you relax, his consideration (going down on you, and I assume he's happy to do whatever you like with his hands) will have a lot more impact. It's not the movie script first time, but it doesn't spell doom or anything.
posted by gloriouslyincandescent at 10:42 PM on January 31, 2016
posted by gloriouslyincandescent at 10:42 PM on January 31, 2016
A long time ago I heard Dr. Ruth suggest a cotton hanky to blot excessive wetness.
posted by brujita at 11:26 PM on January 31, 2016
posted by brujita at 11:26 PM on January 31, 2016
If I judged my husband on our first sexual encounter together, we wouldn't be married. It all didn't fully work and we had to stop - turned out he was starting to come down with bronchitis!! It was at all not indicative of our awesome sexual compatibility.
Morning sex is weird regardless. It's personally not anywhere near the top of my to-do list. Add new person + unexpected morning sex + not normal condom brand = extra weirdness.
I don't think there's anything to actually "fix" here. Just try again later with some more communication between the both of you, another condom type, and maybe a towel. See how it goes. Then you can really see if you're compatible.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:41 PM on January 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
Morning sex is weird regardless. It's personally not anywhere near the top of my to-do list. Add new person + unexpected morning sex + not normal condom brand = extra weirdness.
I don't think there's anything to actually "fix" here. Just try again later with some more communication between the both of you, another condom type, and maybe a towel. See how it goes. Then you can really see if you're compatible.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:41 PM on January 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I'm a cis dude, and here's the thing: when I really like someone, being able to come can be difficult the first time or two. Even getting hard can be. So much internal pressure to be awesome can be a deflating thing. And condoms don't help.
Sounds to me like you two have a connection. Whether that's for now or forever, who knows. Enjoy your time together, fuck around when you both enthusiastically want to, and keep your communication open.
Cis men can be under such pressure to perform that any 'failure' is cause for much self talk that is ugly. Let him know, honestly, that you enjoyed yourself and it was fun. Don't, ever, say anything about his size. It's like saying 'you're cute but I wish your eyes were green.' There is nothing he can do about it except feel bad that he hasn't measured up, as it were.
If you prefer big dicks you prefer big dicks and there is nothing wrong with that. If it's a dealbreaker for you that's fine too--just don't ever mention it, or even hint at it. You'd likely feel bad if he commented about the size of your breasts being imperfect, and it's kinda the same thing.
But really, all of this sounds adorable and totally normal and typical early relationship stuff. Sex isn't magically awesome, it takes time and connection to be awesome.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:08 AM on February 1, 2016 [17 favorites]
Sounds to me like you two have a connection. Whether that's for now or forever, who knows. Enjoy your time together, fuck around when you both enthusiastically want to, and keep your communication open.
Cis men can be under such pressure to perform that any 'failure' is cause for much self talk that is ugly. Let him know, honestly, that you enjoyed yourself and it was fun. Don't, ever, say anything about his size. It's like saying 'you're cute but I wish your eyes were green.' There is nothing he can do about it except feel bad that he hasn't measured up, as it were.
If you prefer big dicks you prefer big dicks and there is nothing wrong with that. If it's a dealbreaker for you that's fine too--just don't ever mention it, or even hint at it. You'd likely feel bad if he commented about the size of your breasts being imperfect, and it's kinda the same thing.
But really, all of this sounds adorable and totally normal and typical early relationship stuff. Sex isn't magically awesome, it takes time and connection to be awesome.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:08 AM on February 1, 2016 [17 favorites]
Best answer: Personally I have found that the first time I have had sex with anyone has never been that amazing, except with a couple of people who were also over confident, well rehearsed arseholes. The general combination of nerves and not knowing what your partner likes yet never makes for a ceiling-shaking experience. In most cases it improved. In one it didn't. But chances are everything will be fine here. Don't worry!
posted by intensitymultiply at 12:46 AM on February 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by intensitymultiply at 12:46 AM on February 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
Best answer: It sounds like you're attracted to each other. Did you enjoy the making out the night before? If so, and he didn't do anything weird or gross during sex, I'd say chalk up the so-so sex to getting-to-know-you jitters. Don't worry about him having a small dingle. If you guys get really into each other you'll probably end up thinking he's got the cutest little dingle you ever did see. When you really fall for somebody, all kinds of stuff gets cuter. (Also, if he was having erectile problems, maybe you weren't seeing all he's got to offer.)
You said you were kind of in your head, and that is a guaranteed mood killer. Also, morning sex is tricky. It's good when it's good, but a lot can go wrong when you're sleepy and you can't turn down the lights.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:20 AM on February 1, 2016
You said you were kind of in your head, and that is a guaranteed mood killer. Also, morning sex is tricky. It's good when it's good, but a lot can go wrong when you're sleepy and you can't turn down the lights.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:20 AM on February 1, 2016
Best answer: Just another anecdatapoint: I have certainly had disappointing first time sex with a new partner, and had much better sex later. Sometimes it takes a while. That's not a bad sign, in any way.
I would certainly not consider one instance of sex representative for how sex is going to be between the two of you forever, unless he repeatedly farted in your face on purpose or said 'I don't actually care whether you have a good time'.
A smaller penis is a smaller penis, but a lot depends on how he uses it. And that can be learned. Also, it may not have been fully erect; in some men, that makes an amazing amount of difference.
In your place, I wouldn't worry. Instead, I'd spend more energy making out.
posted by Too-Ticky at 1:48 AM on February 1, 2016
I would certainly not consider one instance of sex representative for how sex is going to be between the two of you forever, unless he repeatedly farted in your face on purpose or said 'I don't actually care whether you have a good time'.
A smaller penis is a smaller penis, but a lot depends on how he uses it. And that can be learned. Also, it may not have been fully erect; in some men, that makes an amazing amount of difference.
In your place, I wouldn't worry. Instead, I'd spend more energy making out.
posted by Too-Ticky at 1:48 AM on February 1, 2016
Here to chime in and say: if you have a decent guy, it WILL get better. :) Try different things. Use your words to talk about what you like. Play around and don't take yourselves so seriously.
Someone said it better up-thread, but it DOES get better the more intimate and comfortable you are.
As a happily married and fulfilled woman, I don't envy the clumsiness of a new relationship, but I do remember how much fun it was to REALLY like someone and find out what makes them swoon. And if he's a good dude, he will want to find out what makes you swoon too! You'll find out together! So much fun!!
posted by Dressed to Kill at 6:15 AM on February 1, 2016
Someone said it better up-thread, but it DOES get better the more intimate and comfortable you are.
As a happily married and fulfilled woman, I don't envy the clumsiness of a new relationship, but I do remember how much fun it was to REALLY like someone and find out what makes them swoon. And if he's a good dude, he will want to find out what makes you swoon too! You'll find out together! So much fun!!
posted by Dressed to Kill at 6:15 AM on February 1, 2016
Another vote for totally overthinking. A red flag would be a serious mismatch in interests, e.g. he's got a foot fetish and you're squicked out by that. But apparently you both like PIV sex and you're physically attracted to him (and apparently vice versa).
If this is not an immediate dealbreaker, then a long, long ways from now, you could suggest a penis sleeve that would make his length/girth appear/feel bigger. There are also penis pumps that temporarily increase size (nothing permanently increases penis size or everyone would be doing it). But DO NOT mention this until you are well into a committed relationship, and don't do it in the context of he's inadequate, but that you'd like to spice things up. He already knows he's below average as far as size.
If he's under 40, the loss of erection is probably just nerves. Over 40, it might be a more systemic problem. I would not bring this up for long while either.
I think this is totally fixable and you seem to like everything else about him. Give it time.
posted by desjardins at 6:37 AM on February 1, 2016
If this is not an immediate dealbreaker, then a long, long ways from now, you could suggest a penis sleeve that would make his length/girth appear/feel bigger. There are also penis pumps that temporarily increase size (nothing permanently increases penis size or everyone would be doing it). But DO NOT mention this until you are well into a committed relationship, and don't do it in the context of he's inadequate, but that you'd like to spice things up. He already knows he's below average as far as size.
If he's under 40, the loss of erection is probably just nerves. Over 40, it might be a more systemic problem. I would not bring this up for long while either.
I think this is totally fixable and you seem to like everything else about him. Give it time.
posted by desjardins at 6:37 AM on February 1, 2016
It's a myth that the first time with someone is going to be effortless, and the first time with someone Means Something about the relationship.
I have no idea why having sex when you hadn't scheduled it would be "playing games", and it feels like you're taking a lot of your narrative from some source that doesn't like women and doesn't understand how sex and biology work. Be skeptical of where you're getting your sexual education from - maybe look into Emily Nagoski and the good old Joy of Sex, avoid guides to "pleasing" men, self-published and otherwise.
Bodies are weird and making them fit together is weird. This only relates to romance in the sense that everybody involved should be kind about it, and be careful about demanding perfect execution every time (or any time, really) from themselves or the others involved. Being mean isn't okay, but unintentional bad sex sometimes is okay.
If y'all can't ever work it out over weeks or a couple of months, that's maybe a thing to talk about, and to consider your priorities, but you can't know anything from one time.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:31 AM on February 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
I have no idea why having sex when you hadn't scheduled it would be "playing games", and it feels like you're taking a lot of your narrative from some source that doesn't like women and doesn't understand how sex and biology work. Be skeptical of where you're getting your sexual education from - maybe look into Emily Nagoski and the good old Joy of Sex, avoid guides to "pleasing" men, self-published and otherwise.
Bodies are weird and making them fit together is weird. This only relates to romance in the sense that everybody involved should be kind about it, and be careful about demanding perfect execution every time (or any time, really) from themselves or the others involved. Being mean isn't okay, but unintentional bad sex sometimes is okay.
If y'all can't ever work it out over weeks or a couple of months, that's maybe a thing to talk about, and to consider your priorities, but you can't know anything from one time.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:31 AM on February 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
Morning sex is weird regardless. It's personally not anywhere near the top of my to-do list. Add new person + unexpected morning sex + not normal condom brand = extra weirdness.
Absolutely. Because of schedules and kid-having, my wife and I rarely have wake-up sex, but when we do, it has not been super amazing. I don't think it's a great idea to judge your potential sex life by this experience.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:41 AM on February 1, 2016
Absolutely. Because of schedules and kid-having, my wife and I rarely have wake-up sex, but when we do, it has not been super amazing. I don't think it's a great idea to judge your potential sex life by this experience.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:41 AM on February 1, 2016
Overthinking it. Give it 3 more tries.
Also you have my valueless-internet permission to not have sex with someone because of their anatomy. Totally ok in my book.
posted by French Fry at 9:58 AM on February 1, 2016
Also you have my valueless-internet permission to not have sex with someone because of their anatomy. Totally ok in my book.
posted by French Fry at 9:58 AM on February 1, 2016
Anecdata: Awesome starts = it is all downhill from here. Relationships where the first time is the most exciting thing ever tend to fizzle out disappointingly with both parties going "I expected it to get better, but the first time was the best. Ugh."
Also, there are things you can do to compensate for the "fit" issue. But it may not remain a problem. First see if regular sex clears up issues on your end.
posted by Michele in California at 11:29 AM on February 1, 2016
Also, there are things you can do to compensate for the "fit" issue. But it may not remain a problem. First see if regular sex clears up issues on your end.
posted by Michele in California at 11:29 AM on February 1, 2016
Response by poster: Thanks soooo much everyone. I feel a lot better. All we're great answers but special thanks to feckless for giving a dude's perspective. And thanks intensitymultiply for reminding me that when I really think about it, the hottest first-time sex I've had was with guys who turned out to be players and/or 'cocky' narcissists. No thanks!
The making out with him has been super hot and awesome! I guess thats another reason why I expected the sex to be more intense. But he didn't do anything that squicked me out, and true he may not have been fully erect, so ya'll are right, I'm overthinking it. He really is a fantastic guy in so many ways...he could turn out to be the greatest lover of my life! I'm excited to try again a few more times :)
posted by hellameangirl at 7:34 PM on February 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
The making out with him has been super hot and awesome! I guess thats another reason why I expected the sex to be more intense. But he didn't do anything that squicked me out, and true he may not have been fully erect, so ya'll are right, I'm overthinking it. He really is a fantastic guy in so many ways...he could turn out to be the greatest lover of my life! I'm excited to try again a few more times :)
posted by hellameangirl at 7:34 PM on February 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
First times with a new person are usually pretty meh (unless you've been building up a lot of tension by doing everything but up until that point, but then it's really not a "first" time).
posted by Jacqueline at 9:13 PM on February 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Jacqueline at 9:13 PM on February 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by bleep at 9:58 PM on January 31, 2016 [15 favorites]