Should I Finally Let Him Go ? Need ADVICE DESPERATELY
January 31, 2016 7:45 AM Subscribe
Please Read Story .. Please
MY QUESTION IS : does it look like there can be a chance between us again or does it seem like his mind is made up ? im not going to stop myself from seeing and going out with guys im interested in but i really just feel right with him .
So Ive been with this guy for about a year and known him for 2 going on 3. he broke it off with me last feb and since then hes been in a relationship ( for a month) and ive been seeing other people also . nevertheless since the break up , it would be times where he still texts me that he wants me and misses me and how i was his bestfriend. we loved eachother but was too stubborn to express our feelings , so we never knew how we felt.
around last september we have been talking / texting … miles apart . we talked about how we missed eachother and caught up on a few things. We ended up sleeping together when i went home thanksgiving break and things just been great since , until last week .
last week , he made a trip up here on the bus . he ended up at the same party as me and i said something pretty fucked up about him while i was drunk but i didnt know . what i said is nothing close to my feelings towards him. if you were wondering , i told my friend ” not to talk to his bestfriend because he is just like james ” . James is my ex . we slep together that night but i ended up lying to him about me being up . i was mad because i felt as if he ws spending more time with his homeboys . His trip was 4 days , he was staying 7 min from me and i only saw him twice .
we ended up talking and he told me that what i said reminded him of what i did last year january . he said that he doesnt want me out of his life, that we need to start off by working on communication and that i should rush things .
i knew i messed up and my chances were slim but he has done some fucked up shit that i will not say . we did some messed up things to eachother and still ended up talking . He has not talked to me since hes been back home and i ended up calling him asking whats up with him . he just kept telling me he didnt know about a relationship , ” he dont know ” and he doesnt want to give me an answer wihtout knowing for sure . He's done his dirt that is unforgettable but i feel like ive grown as a person and he makes me happy and i started seeing a change in him so why not . i love him .
Another thing . last week prior to him coming up we had a minor argument because he was at a party and didnt text me that whole day . i asked him if im wasting my time , i made it clear that i wouldnt be wasting my time if he was trying to build and regrow with me . his answer was ” no , i dont thik your wasting your time ,” and everything was good until he came up here and i messed up .
Lastly, This is how i feel what he is doing but i can be wrong . As i mentioned in my other post , he is moving back to my town in may or a little before . I will not , whatsoever have time to go to my home town to see him till june . All guys needs sex , i know him and he loves it. I know in my heart that he is going to engage in sexual activity before he moves up here. I feel as if he’s acting cold and withdrawing himself from me , so then when he does something sexual with whomeever , he wont feel as bad and hes not obligated to feel bad about the situation because he does not have a connection with me . i feel as if he is going to eventually contact me , more frequently as the month of may approaches or even if he somehow plans to come back up here .
So Ive been with this guy for about a year and known him for 2 going on 3. he broke it off with me last feb and since then hes been in a relationship ( for a month) and ive been seeing other people also . nevertheless since the break up , it would be times where he still texts me that he wants me and misses me and how i was his bestfriend. we loved eachother but was too stubborn to express our feelings , so we never knew how we felt.
around last september we have been talking / texting … miles apart . we talked about how we missed eachother and caught up on a few things. We ended up sleeping together when i went home thanksgiving break and things just been great since , until last week .
last week , he made a trip up here on the bus . he ended up at the same party as me and i said something pretty fucked up about him while i was drunk but i didnt know . what i said is nothing close to my feelings towards him. if you were wondering , i told my friend ” not to talk to his bestfriend because he is just like james ” . James is my ex . we slep together that night but i ended up lying to him about me being up . i was mad because i felt as if he ws spending more time with his homeboys . His trip was 4 days , he was staying 7 min from me and i only saw him twice .
we ended up talking and he told me that what i said reminded him of what i did last year january . he said that he doesnt want me out of his life, that we need to start off by working on communication and that i should rush things .
i knew i messed up and my chances were slim but he has done some fucked up shit that i will not say . we did some messed up things to eachother and still ended up talking . He has not talked to me since hes been back home and i ended up calling him asking whats up with him . he just kept telling me he didnt know about a relationship , ” he dont know ” and he doesnt want to give me an answer wihtout knowing for sure . He's done his dirt that is unforgettable but i feel like ive grown as a person and he makes me happy and i started seeing a change in him so why not . i love him .
Another thing . last week prior to him coming up we had a minor argument because he was at a party and didnt text me that whole day . i asked him if im wasting my time , i made it clear that i wouldnt be wasting my time if he was trying to build and regrow with me . his answer was ” no , i dont thik your wasting your time ,” and everything was good until he came up here and i messed up .
Lastly, This is how i feel what he is doing but i can be wrong . As i mentioned in my other post , he is moving back to my town in may or a little before . I will not , whatsoever have time to go to my home town to see him till june . All guys needs sex , i know him and he loves it. I know in my heart that he is going to engage in sexual activity before he moves up here. I feel as if he’s acting cold and withdrawing himself from me , so then when he does something sexual with whomeever , he wont feel as bad and hes not obligated to feel bad about the situation because he does not have a connection with me . i feel as if he is going to eventually contact me , more frequently as the month of may approaches or even if he somehow plans to come back up here .
The beginning of a relationship should be the easy part. If it's all drama and hurt feelings at the start, it has no chance of getting better as more and more stresses and pressures are put on it. Move on.
posted by xingcat at 7:52 AM on January 31, 2016 [17 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 7:52 AM on January 31, 2016 [17 favorites]
Too much drama. Move on, grow up a little bit and start the next relationship on better footing.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:53 AM on January 31, 2016 [12 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:53 AM on January 31, 2016 [12 favorites]
Are you still quite young? Because this is crazy drama-filled and it honestly does not sound like *either* of you have the communication skills needed to actually have a successful relationship yet. This generally comes through age, experience and exposure. Neither of you will learn from someone who also totally lacks those skills.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:55 AM on January 31, 2016 [47 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 7:55 AM on January 31, 2016 [47 favorites]
If AskMe has taught me anything, it's that the longer it takes to explain or untangle a relationship question, the more likely, "Just break up already/go no contact/move on," is the right advice.
And when ultimately the question is, "Please read this person's mind for me," then the answer is always and unequivocally to end everything and go no contact.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 7:55 AM on January 31, 2016 [43 favorites]
And when ultimately the question is, "Please read this person's mind for me," then the answer is always and unequivocally to end everything and go no contact.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 7:55 AM on January 31, 2016 [43 favorites]
I'm trying to read this and make sense of your relationship and give a nice long answer but all I am getting is a big jumble of phrases like "fucked up" "messed up" "don't know" "feeling bad" "argument" and I am guessing that is exactly what this relationship feels like from the inside too. So I'm going to give a nice short answer. Yes, you should give up on him. Get yourself out of this whirlwind and everything will seem so much clearer.
posted by intensitymultiply at 8:00 AM on January 31, 2016 [21 favorites]
posted by intensitymultiply at 8:00 AM on January 31, 2016 [21 favorites]
It sounds like you're very attracted to him, so you'd like this to work, but you tried it and it doesn't work. When you're in the midst of attraction, it can be hard to see the true balance: it looks like the good and the bad are about the same size, because they fill up your headspace equally. But from the outside, we can see that the good things you're attracted to are all potential; they aren't concrete, they're light as a feather. The bad things, on the other hand, aren't potential: they're real, and how your relationship actually played out. The things that actually happened weigh much more than things that might happen, and in this case, that means the bad outweighs the good.
As others have said, it's time to move on. Find someone who attracts you, but who works well with you, too.
posted by ocherdraco at 8:02 AM on January 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
As others have said, it's time to move on. Find someone who attracts you, but who works well with you, too.
posted by ocherdraco at 8:02 AM on January 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
Best answer: This exact same thing happened to me a few years ago. Dated a guy for a year. He broke up with me. We were apart for another year, during which time we both casually dated other people. Then we got back into contact and started talking a lot. He would text me that he missed me, I was the only woman who could satisfy him, he regretted giving up a good thing, etc. We started hanging out again. We slept together a few times. I decided it was worth giving him another chance, and was sorta poised for us to get back together.
Then his girlfriend announced their relationship on facebook.
I'm not saying getting back together with an ex can't work, but it often doesn't work. And it also sounds like you guys are right back to fighting again, already. Which in my experience is a sign that getting back together probably won't work in the long run.
posted by Sara C. at 8:20 AM on January 31, 2016 [5 favorites]
Then his girlfriend announced their relationship on facebook.
I'm not saying getting back together with an ex can't work, but it often doesn't work. And it also sounds like you guys are right back to fighting again, already. Which in my experience is a sign that getting back together probably won't work in the long run.
posted by Sara C. at 8:20 AM on January 31, 2016 [5 favorites]
we slep together that night but i ended up lying to him about me being up .
I can't really make heads or tails out of much of what you wrote, but if you meant he had sex with you when you were asleep and you lied about being awake that's sexual assault.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 8:53 AM on January 31, 2016 [6 favorites]
I can't really make heads or tails out of much of what you wrote, but if you meant he had sex with you when you were asleep and you lied about being awake that's sexual assault.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 8:53 AM on January 31, 2016 [6 favorites]
1) Move on.
2) It sounds like you're both guilty of bringing drama into a relationship. You cannot change him but you can change yourself. If you do not work on this you are never going to get that nice, easy, drama-free relationship that you deserve. I think you need to step back, give yourself time to mature, and really work on not having this drama in your life. Your are entirely in control of the drama you have in your life but if you're getting drunk, bitching about someone, and then sleeping with them, that is never going to go away. Take this opportunity to work on yourself. Learn to develop healthy habits that you bring into your relationships. Cut toxic people out of your life. Let yourself grow up a bit before entering a new relationship. Life doesn't have to be this hard.
posted by Amy93 at 9:39 AM on January 31, 2016 [7 favorites]
2) It sounds like you're both guilty of bringing drama into a relationship. You cannot change him but you can change yourself. If you do not work on this you are never going to get that nice, easy, drama-free relationship that you deserve. I think you need to step back, give yourself time to mature, and really work on not having this drama in your life. Your are entirely in control of the drama you have in your life but if you're getting drunk, bitching about someone, and then sleeping with them, that is never going to go away. Take this opportunity to work on yourself. Learn to develop healthy habits that you bring into your relationships. Cut toxic people out of your life. Let yourself grow up a bit before entering a new relationship. Life doesn't have to be this hard.
posted by Amy93 at 9:39 AM on January 31, 2016 [7 favorites]
Choose all that apply:
-Relationships should not be hard in *this* way. Yes, they are 'hard work' in the sense that you can't let them go on auto pilot but a Good Relationship will NOT have this special brand of angst and 'drama'.
- Anyone that makes you cry is NOT WORTH YOUR TEARS.
-"All guys *need* sex" so you know he is going to sleep around before moving back and he is being cruel to you now so he doesn't need to feel bad about any of his actions that *he already is well aware are going to hurt you*. WHAT? Why would you even want someone who is going to willingly, knowingly and purposefully hurt you?
What you need right now is to cut off all contact with people who you ALLOW and INVITE to HURT you and work on YOU. Work on your self esteem and learn what a healthy relationship looks like. Once you are emotionally healthy where you will not allow yourself to be treated like this, you will be ready to find someone who is also capable of a healthy relationship.
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 10:20 AM on January 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
-Relationships should not be hard in *this* way. Yes, they are 'hard work' in the sense that you can't let them go on auto pilot but a Good Relationship will NOT have this special brand of angst and 'drama'.
- Anyone that makes you cry is NOT WORTH YOUR TEARS.
-"All guys *need* sex" so you know he is going to sleep around before moving back and he is being cruel to you now so he doesn't need to feel bad about any of his actions that *he already is well aware are going to hurt you*. WHAT? Why would you even want someone who is going to willingly, knowingly and purposefully hurt you?
What you need right now is to cut off all contact with people who you ALLOW and INVITE to HURT you and work on YOU. Work on your self esteem and learn what a healthy relationship looks like. Once you are emotionally healthy where you will not allow yourself to be treated like this, you will be ready to find someone who is also capable of a healthy relationship.
posted by CoffeeHikeNapWine at 10:20 AM on January 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
It sounds to me like he doesn't know and wants to take it slow but thinks there is a possibility (unless he's deliberately lying when he says that).
It sounds like you keep wanting him to meet certain relationship-y standards of behavior and keep getting upset when that doesn't happen. You get upset when he spends "too much" time with his friends or when he's at a party and doesn't text you.
I think either you need to accept what he can offer right now, or you need to tell him that you can't wait any longer to really be back together, with all the expectations (returning texts, prioritizing time with you) that entails. I think doing that will probably result in you guys breaking up, but it might give you more peace. He does seem to consistently be saying that there is a possibility, so you could also try to find out when he thinks he'd know.
What's not working is him trying to have one kind of relationship with you, you wanting something else, and you getting upset when he doesn't deliver the one you want.
Part of what he said was that you guys need to improve communication, which presumably includes improving this pattern of getting angry at him over him not meeting expectations that he didn't agree to, and also not expressing that anger by lying to him or saying mean things about him to other people at a party.
posted by salvia at 10:35 AM on January 31, 2016
It sounds like you keep wanting him to meet certain relationship-y standards of behavior and keep getting upset when that doesn't happen. You get upset when he spends "too much" time with his friends or when he's at a party and doesn't text you.
I think either you need to accept what he can offer right now, or you need to tell him that you can't wait any longer to really be back together, with all the expectations (returning texts, prioritizing time with you) that entails. I think doing that will probably result in you guys breaking up, but it might give you more peace. He does seem to consistently be saying that there is a possibility, so you could also try to find out when he thinks he'd know.
What's not working is him trying to have one kind of relationship with you, you wanting something else, and you getting upset when he doesn't deliver the one you want.
Part of what he said was that you guys need to improve communication, which presumably includes improving this pattern of getting angry at him over him not meeting expectations that he didn't agree to, and also not expressing that anger by lying to him or saying mean things about him to other people at a party.
posted by salvia at 10:35 AM on January 31, 2016
It's a bad idea to get back together with someone when even putting a dip back into the relationship pool brings up this much shit. Even if he wanted to be with you (and, honestly, I don't think he wants anything beyond sex), you'd just be repeating the same horrible patterns. You're not a good match. Please move on.
posted by inturnaround at 11:08 AM on January 31, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by inturnaround at 11:08 AM on January 31, 2016 [4 favorites]
Six months ago, my Girlfriend (Fiance) of 8 years broke up with me. It was never right. We kept fighting and trying. Looking back, I know that we should have broken up years ago. As much as we loved each other, it was never going to work.
She dumped me in August and I kept fighting to get her back (even though she was seeing someone else). Everyone would try to explain that to me, but I couldn't see it through my tunnel vision.
I knew that it was over and that it could never be again. I just didn't want to admit it.
If you look deep inside yourself, you will know. I always knew deep down.
The longer this goes on, the longer it'll hurt. IF (I am saying if) it is over, you have to move on. It is hard, but it gets easier and you will only have to do it eventually anyway. You are just kicking the pebble down the road. The sooner you do it, the sooner you can heal and find someone who'll meet your needs.
I am sorry. I know how much pain you are in. Feel free to message me.
posted by kbbbo at 11:32 AM on January 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
She dumped me in August and I kept fighting to get her back (even though she was seeing someone else). Everyone would try to explain that to me, but I couldn't see it through my tunnel vision.
I knew that it was over and that it could never be again. I just didn't want to admit it.
If you look deep inside yourself, you will know. I always knew deep down.
The longer this goes on, the longer it'll hurt. IF (I am saying if) it is over, you have to move on. It is hard, but it gets easier and you will only have to do it eventually anyway. You are just kicking the pebble down the road. The sooner you do it, the sooner you can heal and find someone who'll meet your needs.
I am sorry. I know how much pain you are in. Feel free to message me.
posted by kbbbo at 11:32 AM on January 31, 2016 [2 favorites]
I've been in your situation, and I'm so sorry for your emotional pain. It's very confusing when someone you love pushes you away and then keeps you on a string.
There is no chance. He misses some things about you, and is selfishly playing with your feelings. He broke up with you for strong reasons -- nobody ends a year-long relationship without good cause, especially if the couple is living together. He's been seeing someone else, that liaison didn't work out, and now he's "between girlfriends."
Every time you sleep with this guy, you set yourself back -- you lose the progress you've made in getting over him. Even just texting and talking just prolongs the pain. The best choice for you is to tell him you need distance and silence, and that he should not contact you in any way. Do this by text or email, because if you talk with him directly he will act sad and try to change your mind.
If you ask him for absolutely-no-contact, you won't be hoping for him to get in touch. If he does disregard your request, it will be hard to resist, but you have to. The only cure for heartbreak is time, and you need to work hard to keep away from him.
posted by wryly at 11:45 AM on January 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
There is no chance. He misses some things about you, and is selfishly playing with your feelings. He broke up with you for strong reasons -- nobody ends a year-long relationship without good cause, especially if the couple is living together. He's been seeing someone else, that liaison didn't work out, and now he's "between girlfriends."
Every time you sleep with this guy, you set yourself back -- you lose the progress you've made in getting over him. Even just texting and talking just prolongs the pain. The best choice for you is to tell him you need distance and silence, and that he should not contact you in any way. Do this by text or email, because if you talk with him directly he will act sad and try to change your mind.
If you ask him for absolutely-no-contact, you won't be hoping for him to get in touch. If he does disregard your request, it will be hard to resist, but you have to. The only cure for heartbreak is time, and you need to work hard to keep away from him.
posted by wryly at 11:45 AM on January 31, 2016 [1 favorite]
You don't have to be the chill girl. You didn't mess up or do anything wrong. This guy is not treating you well.
I once loved someone who treated me like garbage and it was hard to walk away because I loved him. I did, I loved him! I loved him for at least two or maybe three years after I left him, but now I do not love him anymore. It is a relief.
There are so many men out in the world who will not act this way. You deserve better. Go no contact, walk away, mourn the loss. Because it is a loss.
He will probably contact you, but that does not mean you have to respond. You can set up your phone to block his number, your email to throw his messages directly in the trash, to help you avoid temptation.
Take care of yourself.
posted by sockermom at 12:51 PM on January 31, 2016 [7 favorites]
I once loved someone who treated me like garbage and it was hard to walk away because I loved him. I did, I loved him! I loved him for at least two or maybe three years after I left him, but now I do not love him anymore. It is a relief.
There are so many men out in the world who will not act this way. You deserve better. Go no contact, walk away, mourn the loss. Because it is a loss.
He will probably contact you, but that does not mean you have to respond. You can set up your phone to block his number, your email to throw his messages directly in the trash, to help you avoid temptation.
Take care of yourself.
posted by sockermom at 12:51 PM on January 31, 2016 [7 favorites]
He uses you for sex when you are available. When other women are available he has sex with them. You mean no more to him than any other available option.
Bail. Block his number and his email. Don't give him opportunities to manipulate you back into drama.
posted by 26.2 at 3:22 PM on January 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
Bail. Block his number and his email. Don't give him opportunities to manipulate you back into drama.
posted by 26.2 at 3:22 PM on January 31, 2016 [3 favorites]
Mod note: Comment deleted. Hey, sorry, OP, but it's not really okay to expand the question, especially in a basically rhetorical, broad-brush "why are guys like X?" way.
posted by taz (staff) at 3:43 AM on February 1, 2016
posted by taz (staff) at 3:43 AM on February 1, 2016
I agree with 26.2 - this guy is totally using you. He's in a relationship right now but he keeps sleeping with you whenever you're around, and you seem to already be aware he would have sex with whoever is in closest proximity for the foreseeable future. Extremely immature, commitment-phobic sound to all this, and you seem to bring out the worst in each other. It sounds like you're blinded by hormones right now. Stay as far away from this person as possible and you won't regret it.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 4:40 AM on February 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by treehorn+bunny at 4:40 AM on February 1, 2016 [1 favorite]
i can't figure out why you'd want to be with him unless it feels good to be jerked around like this. if you're fine with a friends with benefits situation, keep meeting up with him i guess, but he won't be good for anything more than that. you are wasting your time if you are hoping this turns into an exclusive and fulfilling relationship.
posted by nadawi at 7:26 AM on February 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 7:26 AM on February 1, 2016 [3 favorites]
This guy sounds exactly like some of my friends, and just some of the other guys i knew when i was like... 18-21.
All i can say is this will not ever be less drama-y and ridiculous than this, and will likely end with him completely ghosting even when he shows up in your town or something.
Not all guys that age are like this, but quite a few are. And quite a few leave a gigantic string of weird situations like this behind themselves.
posted by emptythought at 5:58 PM on February 1, 2016
All i can say is this will not ever be less drama-y and ridiculous than this, and will likely end with him completely ghosting even when he shows up in your town or something.
Not all guys that age are like this, but quite a few are. And quite a few leave a gigantic string of weird situations like this behind themselves.
posted by emptythought at 5:58 PM on February 1, 2016
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posted by zadcat at 7:47 AM on January 31, 2016 [4 favorites]