Interracial Dating, how do you handle it?

December 16, 2005 8:55 PM

Interracial Dating Filter. How do I introduce my mom to my boyfriend?

I've been dating this wonderful guy for a while now, and the chance has finally come for him to meet my mom. (We don't live in the same city.) The problem is that he's not the same race as I am.

My mom and the rest of my family are very traditional and we're part of a minority culture, so it's hard for them to accept that I'm dating him. He's about the exact opposite from who they ideally want me to be dating (he's a nice poor artist not a nice rich white-collar professional).

When I told first my mother about him, she got kind of a tight faraway look on her face, sort of disapproving and silent. And then she never asked me about him again. Now, they are finally going to meet face to face for lunch, so what can I do to prevent it from being completely awkward?

I'd also welcome any other shared stories about your experiences with interracial relationships and your family.

posted by anonymous to human relations (22 comments total)

One of my really good friends is from an ethnic minority, and her mother only wanted her to date people from the same group. She was dating a guy from a different, racial minority. The mother met him, and the friend didn't let the mother's initial disapproval force her to hide her boyfriend from family events, etc. The mother didn't like the situation at first, but she got to know the guy and eventually got to like him. It took a year or so, but for them things worked out. Good luck! (Sorry, no real advice.)
posted by Airhen at 9:12 PM on December 16, 2005

My girlfriend's father was the same. All I can say is that your mother's racism is her problem not yours. If she is going to make life hard for herself then try to look on her attitude with pity rather than anger.
posted by dydecker at 10:38 PM on December 16, 2005

My wife and I are different races. For us, it's simple: we are together. If my mom or dad find fault with that, that is their problem, not ours.

We've never even acted slightly different around our relatives on either side. We expect it to be normal, and it is normal. I don't know if our families are just open-minded, or what, but we've never had to give it a moments thought, and we've never had trouble from it. Even from my white-as-Wonder-Bread Utah grandparents.

So my advice would be to expect your parents to act like tolerant, decent adults by not giving them the slightest out. This is normal, it's your boyfriend, they will deal.
posted by teece at 11:03 PM on December 16, 2005

I'm Chinese (Cantonese "recently" and "eldest son of eldest son &c&c ad nauseum of a prince way back when) and my parents are a hybrid between traditionalist and progressive (dad was more laid back, mother was more uptight).

My family moved to Vancouver at the head of the emigration wave - my family moved neighbourhoods *right before* HK immigrants started invading the school district. As a consequence, I have very few friends who are of W.Asian descent and most of them were either born in N.America or moved here early in their lives.

When I was younger it was a definite psychic trauma. Did NOT want to bring g/ friends home and have to introduce them. Didn't end up introducing one of them throughout highschool. Mom thought that I was gay for a long while.

I messed around a bit in college - and it filtered to my folks eventually.

When I got back, then subsequently moved out to live on my own, the folks ended up knowing that I *was* dating/fucking/whatever with non-Cantonese girls.

They were relieved, in that "oh, porpoise isn't gay after all" but disconcerted in another manner "he doesn't like Cantonese girls" (not true - I like everyone).

Sorry - I'm rambling.

The first sig/other that I introduced to my folks - it was "we haven't seen you for a while. come by for dinner."

I told them I was seeing someone for a "little" while and that they wanted to meet them - the folks (well, mother) was really enthusiastic - I told her that she was a white girl - and she was cool with it - decided on a restaurant - got togather - girl greeted my parents in Cantonese (which I spent a lot of time coaching her - on her request), and they got along "OK." They saw each other a few times after that. Me and the girl didn't work out.

I think that your folks might not be as hostile as you might fear - I think the important thing is that you and your friend project happiness togather - what parent can't cede to the happiness of their offspring?
posted by PurplePorpoise at 11:18 PM on December 16, 2005

I assume your boyfriend knows about the situation. My experience is that in most situations as long as you have one person (out of two) who is calm and understanding things will be ok.
posted by edgeways at 11:21 PM on December 16, 2005

My wife and I are different races. For us, it's simple: we are together. If my mom or dad find fault with that, that is their problem, not ours.

Ditto. Although there was never any major friction at all, there was some footdragging on her (Korean) parents' part early on. Once they understood what kind of person I was, and my feelings about their daughter and the way I treated her, that evaporated. It didn't happen quickly, though, and I waited patiently for years until my (now) wife thought it was time to meet them -- a few years after she'd met my folks back in Canada.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 12:46 AM on December 17, 2005

In my experience, the best thing to do is to go in there acting like everything is normal. Assume that they are adults and that they will behave civilly and chances are they will. Any preemptive attempt to head off disaster can be very easily turned against you with a sniffy "How could you even think that we would make a scene" or "Of course I'm not happy that you have decided that 2000 years of heritage is meaningless to you..." which is not a conversation you really want to have. Remember that this their problem, not yours, so it is their obligation to behave. This is very important, because you will quickly be put on the defensive and if that happens, you will find yourself apologizing for their hang ups. Don't let this happen.

Just show up, go to lunch, and make conversation. There does not need to be hugs and laughter, but it should be civil. Even without other complications, mothers and boyfriends often don't get along, so don't expect miracles, but as long as there is no rudeness the lunch should be considered a success. With any luck, they will eventually warm up to him when they see that you are happy and that he treats you well. If they say anything out of line a gentle "That is not called for" is sufficient and then continue. Do your best Miss Manners impression and try your best not to sulk or fume as that will only make things worse. However great the provocation, losing your temper is a de facto forfeit. If you parents are intolerably rude, thank them for the meal, get up, and walk out without any fuss. The key is to make sure that you and your boyfriend keep your composure at all times, this will force those around to be civil or else be the ones making a scene, which emphasizes that it is their problem, not yours. I cannot overstate the importance of walking away before it gets ugly. If you feel on the verge of blurting out something horrible, they are baiting you, do not fall for it. Walk away. (Take separate cars and meet there, and all this advice goes double for the boyfriend for obvious reasons)

I have lots of horror stories to tell from both sides, but I'm afraid you're going to have to email me to get them. Good luck.
posted by hindmost at 1:02 AM on December 17, 2005

Feigned obliviousness is actually a fairly light reaction as far as these things go. If your mom frowned and then never mentioned it again, don't feel too bad. I would expect some reluctance on her part. She will not be enthusiastic about him. That doesn't necessarily mean she will actively try to destroy you or your relationship.

Make absolutely sure that he is in the know - that is very important. If he is on top of his game and well-prepared, your mother can stare off into space all she wants and it doesn't have to matter.

I would also prepare your mom again. Surprises aren't going to be good for anyone, here. And you may have to re-enact the good old "but I love him, ma" speech which so many before you have given for so many reasons. There may not be any way around that chore. Get it over with.

Good luck. You are blessed not to have inherited these old biases. I don't know how entrenched your mom's racism is, but if it's not that entrenched, you may even find that she's happy and relieved to push it aside for a while and make an exception in this fine young man's case. As quick as people are to hate, often times they'd rather love. An enemy isn't an easy thing to bear.
posted by scarabic at 2:23 AM on December 17, 2005

The only way to assuage my Japnese girlfriend's xenophobic parents was go to law school. It's not fair, and I don't know what will happen if you bring home a broke artist, but if it is really love, just have him wear some nice clothes and comb his hair - make a good impression.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 7:32 AM on December 17, 2005

I have some experience in this situation (as the boyfriend), it worked out fine in the end and we are now married. In my case the mother's disapproval was based mainly on 1) They come from a very close-knit gossipy culture and she was worried about being humiliated and looked down upon by family and neighbours. 2) Her english is fine but not great and she doesn't really enjoy using it because she finds it embarrassing.

On the first point, it helped that I met three of her mother's siblings and the more-laid-back father before I ever met her and they were prepared to be supportive. On the second point, I am learning her language and knew quite a decent number of basic words of phrases before I met her. If he doesn't know a few words of your language maybe you have time for a last-minute cramming session?

Apart from that, he will obviously need to be on absolutely his best behavior, and prepared to swallow any minor rudeness on her part, be prepared to agree that such-and-such in their culture is better than in Western culture, appreciate her cooking if that comes up etc. etc.

If you're going out for lunch it couldn't hurt if he offers to pay for everyone, if you're going to her place a nice present would be a good idea. And anything that shows respect is a good idea, like using the proper forms of address and so on - I'm sure you've already thought of all this stuff. Plus obviously in your case he may have to deal with questions about his future plans and be expected that he has some kind of ambition to make money and you'll need to have thought about how you'll respond to that as well.

Long term it has worked out well, and I'm very fond of her parents although I'm still not completely relaxed around them and do feel a bit like I'm on probation, even though we're married now. And my Arabic is still weak, getting that beefed up will make a massive difference.

Feel free to email me if you have questions.
posted by teleskiving at 7:59 AM on December 17, 2005

Parents usually have a problem with whomever you bring home. They have been planning who you meet since you were a little child, so sometimes, when it is not what they have planned, disappointment sets in. Usually they just want what's best for their children and this usually is not considerate of all issues such as race, age, etc. But ultimately, as people have mentioned, it is up to them.
posted by _zed_ at 8:17 AM on December 17, 2005

The first time I met my future mother in law, she wouldn't acknowledge my presence or talk to me. When I walked into a room, she left.

It took me asking my wife to marry me before she even beagn to acknowledge my existence. She actually hugged me during the wedding, and now I am a backup in whatever psychodrama she has going on in her life now.

On the other hand, my folks took it in stride--but my parents also made a very deliberate effort not to pass on their racial biases to their children--it wasn't until adulthood that I learned that they were somewhat racist. And my forays into interracial dating caused them to adjust their views somewhat.

It takes time: the more serious the relationship becomes, the more likely the parents will accept the inevitable. You might need to be firm with your parents--after all, it's your life, not theirs.

Don't try to pull out anything too ethinic at first--gradually ease into it. And keep in mind too that your boyfriend has some adjusting to do, as well. It's easy to adjust to another's cultural lifestyle when you're one on one, but when you're the lone minority in a house full of people from another ethnicity, it can get kinda wearing after a while.


It took time. It's your life, not hers.
posted by lester at 8:52 AM on December 17, 2005

that last sentance should have been deleated. I guess I'm just lazy.
posted by lester at 8:53 AM on December 17, 2005

I'm chinese and my wife is Jewish. When it was time for my parents to meet her, and for me to meet her's it was nothing at all what we expected. Both parents were accepting and loving. What I regret the most is assuming that despite their comments in the past regarding interacial dating/marriage that I did not give them any chance to change or accept us. Which they did. Our parents said that they didn't know what to think at first, but now since its real, it has become a beautiful thing.

Just do it and life will become less stressful.
posted by erd0c at 9:41 AM on December 17, 2005

Also in an interracial relationship. I don't think my family has trouble with his race (at least they don't show it if they do), but his foreignness (he's also from another country).

Here's what I do/would do. Treat it exactly the same as if she were meeting someone from any other race. It doesn't matter, right? So it doesn't matter. Once she gets to know him as a person, and you two are together for a long time, she'll get over it. Even if she doesn't know her disapproval is wrong, she should at least know it's impolite. She'll be the one who feels awkward, and it will be her responsibility to get past that, not yours or his.

I think deep in parents' mind is that their kids will be with whoever they want, and chances are they'll never fully approve. And that almost nothing is worth alienating their children and potential grandchildren. And once grandchildren exist, they won't care if they're purple. (Unless they're extreme racists).
posted by lampoil at 10:03 AM on December 17, 2005

I dated a gal from a different race, and her mom hated me. With good reason: I was in a dead-end blue-collar job, and she wanted more for her daughter.

I'd say dress him nicely and make sure he has something positive to say about his future plans.
posted by atchafalaya at 10:40 AM on December 17, 2005

I'll echo the "it's her problem" answers. My parents never got along with any of my white boyfriends, and while it's frustrating, the thing for you both to remember is that her behavior has nothing to do with the two of you. Don't expect to change her, but don't blame yourself for her biases either. And she'll get over it, because she loves you and would rather see you than not.
posted by snickerdoodle at 6:21 PM on December 17, 2005

I am Chinese, and my husband is white. I would accept the fact that yes, it is going to be awkward. It is not going to be easy off the bat. My family is very close and untrusting - anyone trying to come into our family really needs to prove it to them that they've got what it takes to be a part of the clan. For some - like one of my aunts - this is a lifelong process. For others - like my husband - this will take a few years and there will be tears and hand wringing and everything. Tell your partner to have patience, tell your partner more about how to integrate, how to behave at meals (i.e., don't pick up your fork/knife/chopsticks to eat until the eldest has begun eating - at least, this is how it's done in my family), and how to show respect, and then just be patient. Once your parents realize that your partner is a good person and a good fit for your family, they will come around. And if they don't, their loss.
posted by cajo at 8:01 PM on December 17, 2005

This might be a silly question, but don't these things vary quite a bit depending on the race(s) involved? (Disclosure: I'm white and I'm married to an Asian woman.)

I'm thinking you might have more specific responses if you posted "I'm Chinese and I'm dating a black guy" or "I'm Jewish and I'm dating an Tongan" or "I'm Black and dating an Eskimo" etc., than a rather abstract discussion of race as applied to dating.

Various races have various beliefs, prejudices and misconceptions about each other, and it might help to be more specific, is all I'm saying.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 9:11 PM on December 17, 2005

I'm white and engaged to a guy from a very traditional culture and in my experience it takes a lot of time and patience (years, in our case). They were initially upset about a whole lot of things, from carrying on the family line, to religious differences, to whether I was there to exploit him, etc. They didn't acknowledge me, talk to me or include me in anything for a long long time. It was quite difficult. Once they saw I was there for the long haul they softened up, if not to warmth to acceptance.

The fact that they're going to meet is a big positive step! If your folks are like my in-laws your fella may get a whole lot of passive aggression directed his way despite best behaviour, so prepare him for that.

One other thing, I had a lot of acquaintances and even my own family members telling me to dump him over the whole thing. They couldn't understand that we were happily existing despite the family dynamic on the other side. Be kind to each other and (as I'm honestly convinced only time can resolve it) don't let it become THE issue between you.
posted by jamesonandwater at 5:44 AM on December 18, 2005

Kill them with kindness. For the mean time, ignore any and all negative remarks, facial expressions, and non-verbal disapproval. Focus only on illustrating to her what a wonderful, intelligent person he is and accordingly, all of his other positive attributes that drew you to be together.
posted by crapulent at 11:20 AM on December 18, 2005

It occurs to me that if your mother didn't already know the gender of your date, you could somehow ambiguously imply that your new partner was female. Then, when you turn up at the house with a guy, your folks will be so happy they'll welcome your 'wrong race, right gender' partner with open arms.
posted by The Monkey at 9:40 PM on December 18, 2005