Useful Guidance for An Unexpected Loss

January 28, 2016 10:33 AM

I emailed my therapist for an appointment, and it bounced. When I googled her to see if contact info changed, the first link was her obit (Nov 2015). My therapist died. I just found out, and I am pretty wrecked. Thoughts?

I saw my therapist weekly for six years. We had a great relationship and she got me unstuck from some shitty thinking and terrible habits.

I had to stop seeing her in Spring 2014 because of financial reasons. We talked a few brief time since then about me coming in and catching her up on my status. I never did this.

Currently I have some real challenges and I thought (since finances resolved) it would be great to restart sessions.

Email, Google, Fuuuuucckkk.

My reactions?

First, though I hadn't been acknowledging it, I've been moving along through life believing I had this Amazing-Person-In-My-Corner-In-Case-Shit-Gets-Bad. I'm pretty scared about dealing with Shit on my own.

Second, I have a ton of guilt about not being in good communications.

Now, I feel like I need a therapist to deal with losing my therapist. And I still have the 'regular' challenges.

Did you lose your therapist somehow (moved, retired, whatev)? Got any guidance? What about this feeling of being suddenly Alone-Against-The-Bullshit?

posted by j_curiouser to Health & Fitness (11 answers total)

Best answer: What about this feeling of being suddenly Alone-Against-The-Bullshit?

It's hard! It is really hard and the feelings are real & it feels like grief because it is. It's about this relationship, and it also really blows up a lot of whatever your other shit about grief & loss ( & feeling alone) happens to be. I think accepting that how you feel about this is okay and not shameful and will take however long it takes to recover from is very important. YES, you need a therapist to deal with losing your therapist. It will be the same person you do the other stuff with.

I'd start looking for a new therapist pretty soon—and when you talk to people, tell them that this has happened. It will help them understand what you need & they will be deeply sympathetic. & you might consider sending a condolence note to her loved ones, in which you share with them what you appreciated about her—the stuff you'd thank her for if you could.

Emma Forrest's book Your Voice in my Head deals with losing her therapist; I liked it a lot.
posted by listen, lady at 10:58 AM on January 28, 2016 [5 favorites]

Best answer: I'm sorry for your loss. If your therapist was part of an office, or you know some of their colleagues, they may have left instructions on who to refer former patients to. Alternatively, googling your former therapist may come up with hits for conferences or workshops they attended or led, which would be another way to try to find one of their professional peers.
posted by postel's law at 11:19 AM on January 28, 2016 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I had something similar, my therapist had a catastrophic medical event but survived it. Unfortunately for me, then she stopped her practice for more than a year.

I had to see other therapists to deal with my grief over "losing" my therapist. It was tough, grieving a real & sudden loss while "trying out" new therapists. I just explained what happened with the former therapist, and they listened. I tried out 3 or 4 other therapists.

As best you can, grieve. Usually the guilt/bad feelings will ebb. It's a process, and it is painful.

My heart goes out to you. Good luck and (((hugs)))
posted by honey badger at 11:27 AM on January 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: You may find some insight or at least some comfort in this David Rakoff essay about finding himself in a similar circumstance when his therapist passed away.
posted by superfluousm at 12:20 PM on January 28, 2016 [3 favorites]

Best answer: It sounds to me like your therapist and you did great work, and that a big part of that was internalizing the feeling that you had her in your corner. What you really had was her in your head, helping you day to day in ways big and small. You've still got that. Even if you had never seen her again, and she was alive, you would still have that. So, you are not wrong and you will find a way through this, with your therapist.
posted by OmieWise at 12:50 PM on January 28, 2016 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I too bad a therapist die. It very much is a grieving process, and you should allow yourself that. Seconding postel in that she probably left instructions. Try calling her emergency service if she had one, they will often have the referring doctors.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 12:53 PM on January 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Fwiw, I think it's super normal to be out of touch with your therapist for an extended time, and it doesn't make you a bad person. It's actually one of the beautiful things about the therapy relationship that it doesn't require the same social niceties that other kinds of relationships do.

I'm glad you had such a great experience with her, and I'm sorry for your loss. That is legitimately huge and hard to take in, on so many levels. AND now you're in the position of having to find a whole new therapist! That blows.

That said, there ARE other good therapists out there, and every last one of them will deeply respect what you're going through.
posted by spindrifter at 7:10 PM on January 28, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: It might be healing for you to write a letter or card saying how meaningful you found the relationship. You could send it to her office anonymously or otherwise, and presumably it would find its way to her next of kin. You could also ceremonially dispose of it, or just keep it. Her family members might appreciate knowing how important she was to her clients, and it might help you to write down what she meant to you and begin to plan how you can find a new source of support.
posted by charmcityblues at 9:20 PM on January 28, 2016 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Years ago I was seeing a therapist I adored, and then she suddenly moved away and I was distraught. I immediately moved on to another therapist and while there was some adjustment, it turned out to be a very good match.

Try to let go of the guilt. You didn't do anything wrong. Would your shrink, of all people, want you to feel bad about this?
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:28 AM on January 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: thanks, everyone. I feel much less alone with this now. bits that resonate:

• It might be healing for you to write a letter or card saying how meaningful you found the relationship.
• Would your shrink, of all people, want you to feel bad about this?
• What you really had was her in your head, helping you day to day in ways big and small. You've still got that. Even if you had never seen her again, and she was alive, you would still have that.
• it also really blows up a lot of whatever your other shit about grief & loss ( & feeling alone) happens to be.
• you might consider sending a condolence note to her loved ones, in which you share with them what you appreciated about her—the stuff you'd thank her for if you could.
• If your therapist was part of an office, or you know some of their colleagues, they may have left instructions on who to refer former patients to.
• I just explained what happened with the former therapist, and they listened.
• ...comfort in this David Rakoff essay
• Try calling her emergency service if she had one, they will often have the referring doctors.
• I think it's super normal to be out of touch with your therapist for an extended time

posted by j_curiouser at 1:25 PM on January 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

I'd like to second CharmCity's recommendation to send something to the family. My father was a school teacher and administrator for 30 years and it has been extremely comforting to see all the cards and comments about the impact my dad had on so many people's lives.

It might be good for you, but I guarantee it will be good for her family.
posted by teleri025 at 1:43 PM on January 29, 2016 [1 favorite]