How do I navigate the break-up with my first and only love (at age 30)
January 27, 2016 9:29 AM Subscribe
After having gone through cancer and mental illness together, the love of my life and I are on the verge of splitting up for good. How can I best try to salvage the relationship? Details below.
Boyfriend and I have been together for years. Broke up for a multitude of reasons, he suddenly decided he wanted to become a monk, I turned 30 and started asking about a family, etc.
He broke it off saying we wanted different things and asked to stay friends. I tried staying friends for as long as I could, but only ended up crying and begging to work things out.
After I had humiliated myself to an overwhelming extent, I implemented the No Contact rule, so I could heal and get myself together emotionally - and so he would have an opportunity to see what life was really like without me in it after all these years.
I text him and ask him to please not contact me again unless he was interested in reconciling, because I was unable to move on if we stayed in contact.
Less than 48 hours he sends a text saying he is thinking of me, asking me how I'm doing, how was work, etc. I was shocked he would so blatantly disrespect my request to honor his feelings and his desire to break up.
After I ignore his texts, he blows up my phone leaving messages making sure I am safe - which is legitimate. Believe it or not, although I am 30 and he is 40, we have been through him having cancer and me having a nervous breakdown and various mental health issues.
Anyway, I finally picked up and said I am fine and tried to end the conversation but he kept asking specific questions and finally I lost it and said what makes you think you can just call and see how I'm doing for your own satisfaction when I'm trying to move on like you asked me to?? I asked him if he thought about me over the 2 days and he said he missed me but mostly he was trying to get his own life together. So then I freaked out and told him how he was disrespecting my healing process and not taking seriously his commitment to search his heart and soul in solitude as to whether he wanted to try to save the relationship. He got very quiet and admitted he felt like an ass and it was a selfish thing to do. I told him I didn't know how we were supposed to heal if we didn't take time to reflect and that's how we hung up.
Ive been staying with a friend during the break-up....Here's the thing: we signed a lease together months ago on an amazing new property - a warehouse being converted to Lofts. Finally, after months of construction we are supposed to move in this weekend.
I was hoping a week of No Contact would help us both cool off, come to our senses and miss each other - but now it is Wednesday and we are supposed to move this weekend. I can't afford it without him.
This is the love of my life and I am not interested in advice about how to get out or move on, so if that is your opinion it is unwanted. I want to know my best chance of reconciling - should I text him now, wait until this weekend, what?
Boyfriend and I have been together for years. Broke up for a multitude of reasons, he suddenly decided he wanted to become a monk, I turned 30 and started asking about a family, etc.
He broke it off saying we wanted different things and asked to stay friends. I tried staying friends for as long as I could, but only ended up crying and begging to work things out.
After I had humiliated myself to an overwhelming extent, I implemented the No Contact rule, so I could heal and get myself together emotionally - and so he would have an opportunity to see what life was really like without me in it after all these years.
I text him and ask him to please not contact me again unless he was interested in reconciling, because I was unable to move on if we stayed in contact.
Less than 48 hours he sends a text saying he is thinking of me, asking me how I'm doing, how was work, etc. I was shocked he would so blatantly disrespect my request to honor his feelings and his desire to break up.
After I ignore his texts, he blows up my phone leaving messages making sure I am safe - which is legitimate. Believe it or not, although I am 30 and he is 40, we have been through him having cancer and me having a nervous breakdown and various mental health issues.
Anyway, I finally picked up and said I am fine and tried to end the conversation but he kept asking specific questions and finally I lost it and said what makes you think you can just call and see how I'm doing for your own satisfaction when I'm trying to move on like you asked me to?? I asked him if he thought about me over the 2 days and he said he missed me but mostly he was trying to get his own life together. So then I freaked out and told him how he was disrespecting my healing process and not taking seriously his commitment to search his heart and soul in solitude as to whether he wanted to try to save the relationship. He got very quiet and admitted he felt like an ass and it was a selfish thing to do. I told him I didn't know how we were supposed to heal if we didn't take time to reflect and that's how we hung up.
Ive been staying with a friend during the break-up....Here's the thing: we signed a lease together months ago on an amazing new property - a warehouse being converted to Lofts. Finally, after months of construction we are supposed to move in this weekend.
I was hoping a week of No Contact would help us both cool off, come to our senses and miss each other - but now it is Wednesday and we are supposed to move this weekend. I can't afford it without him.
This is the love of my life and I am not interested in advice about how to get out or move on, so if that is your opinion it is unwanted. I want to know my best chance of reconciling - should I text him now, wait until this weekend, what?
So...you want children, he doesn't - something that is very, very difficult to compromise on - and he doesn't respect you telling him to back off.
I can't tell you how to reconcile with him without knowing him (flowers? promises? basket of steaks?) but I honestly think you should break the lease. It doesn't mean you'll never see each other again, but going from a breakup - where feelings are running high - to living together? No bueno.
posted by mippy at 9:42 AM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
I can't tell you how to reconcile with him without knowing him (flowers? promises? basket of steaks?) but I honestly think you should break the lease. It doesn't mean you'll never see each other again, but going from a breakup - where feelings are running high - to living together? No bueno.
posted by mippy at 9:42 AM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
I want to thank you for writing this question. I believe it took a lot of courage to be so raw and honest.
The looming deadline with the loft sounds like a hostage situation, almost. And it's funny how these sorts of blow ups appear in our lives just as something huge and monumental (like moving into the perfect new home) causes stress and arguments. Arguments that are so large, you break up.
Presumably the first month's rent is paid, right? So realistically, you don't really have to start panicking until mid-Frebruary. How long can you stay with your friend?
The adult and calm thing to do is to contact him right away and discuss how you will figure out the lease and financial responsibilities. Since you feel this is more of a drama-y thing and not a serious break-up, the way to maximize your gambit is to stay silent absolutely as long as possible. Go zen. Let the weekend come and go. Time is on your side.
Do you have keys to this place? If so, move in by yourself! Enjoy the place. Have friends over. Try to make the best of it. (yes, line up a back-up roommate while you are at it.)
Obviously, he'll come back. That's what he seems to do. No need for you to torture yourself in the meantime. I think if you only give the illusion of torturing yourself that will suffice. I'm sure if you look deeper you'll see the pattern I'm talking about. After this many years, I'm sure the pattern is pretty solid and dependable. This blow up sounds like it is about the loft and moving in, so just deal with it on that level.
posted by jbenben at 9:45 AM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
The looming deadline with the loft sounds like a hostage situation, almost. And it's funny how these sorts of blow ups appear in our lives just as something huge and monumental (like moving into the perfect new home) causes stress and arguments. Arguments that are so large, you break up.
Presumably the first month's rent is paid, right? So realistically, you don't really have to start panicking until mid-Frebruary. How long can you stay with your friend?
The adult and calm thing to do is to contact him right away and discuss how you will figure out the lease and financial responsibilities. Since you feel this is more of a drama-y thing and not a serious break-up, the way to maximize your gambit is to stay silent absolutely as long as possible. Go zen. Let the weekend come and go. Time is on your side.
Do you have keys to this place? If so, move in by yourself! Enjoy the place. Have friends over. Try to make the best of it. (yes, line up a back-up roommate while you are at it.)
Obviously, he'll come back. That's what he seems to do. No need for you to torture yourself in the meantime. I think if you only give the illusion of torturing yourself that will suffice. I'm sure if you look deeper you'll see the pattern I'm talking about. After this many years, I'm sure the pattern is pretty solid and dependable. This blow up sounds like it is about the loft and moving in, so just deal with it on that level.
posted by jbenben at 9:45 AM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
The only way for you to reconcile would be for your boyfriend to decide that that's what he wants. If you been together for many years, I don't think a week of not seeing each other is going to be enough time. Especially when you talked during that week. There's no magic button you can press here to make him decide to love you again.
He may come to decide that, in time. I think the practical question is to figure out how much time you can reasonably give. Would your friends care if you stayed another week? Two? Other friends? As much as it sucks, I think you've got to put Loft Future on hold for a while longer an let both of you experience Not Together future. If he ends up feeling blackmailed into moving in with you for financial reasons, I think that he will resent you and this will make it far more difficult to reconcile. Try and give it at least a couple more weeks.
When you've each had a little time and space, you'll have to talk to him and find out if he still wants to break up. If so you don't move into the loft.
posted by Diablevert at 9:46 AM on January 27, 2016
He may come to decide that, in time. I think the practical question is to figure out how much time you can reasonably give. Would your friends care if you stayed another week? Two? Other friends? As much as it sucks, I think you've got to put Loft Future on hold for a while longer an let both of you experience Not Together future. If he ends up feeling blackmailed into moving in with you for financial reasons, I think that he will resent you and this will make it far more difficult to reconcile. Try and give it at least a couple more weeks.
When you've each had a little time and space, you'll have to talk to him and find out if he still wants to break up. If so you don't move into the loft.
posted by Diablevert at 9:46 AM on January 27, 2016
It's pretty difficult to answer this question as it's asked. You've already "humiliated yourself to an overwhelming extent"; you'll be hard-pressed to find anyone here telling you, "Yes, do that again!". We are only internet strangers but we don't wish you harm, and doing what you're proposing is sure to cause you more harm than good. More heartache than happiness.
However, since you asked, here's what I would do: back way, way off. Currently he does not want to get back together. Could that change in the future? Maybe. So give yourself lots of space from him (either by breaking the lease or finding roommates as suggested above), go no contact again, and truly see if he comes back to you. That is about the ONLY thing you can do. You have to let him go and see if he comes back. You've already tried everything else.
posted by yawper at 9:46 AM on January 27, 2016 [10 favorites]
However, since you asked, here's what I would do: back way, way off. Currently he does not want to get back together. Could that change in the future? Maybe. So give yourself lots of space from him (either by breaking the lease or finding roommates as suggested above), go no contact again, and truly see if he comes back to you. That is about the ONLY thing you can do. You have to let him go and see if he comes back. You've already tried everything else.
posted by yawper at 9:46 AM on January 27, 2016 [10 favorites]
You were right to call him on his reaching out to you despite your explicit and clear request for space. Really well done being clear and direct about that!
You (both) need more time. You're still to intertwined to be healthy and balanced in your interactions together. That's normal at this stage of such a big breakup, but you both need to rediscover your edges and who you are as individuals. Only after you've done that can you navigate back into a healthy dynamic together.
Under no circumstances should you move in together at this moment. What other options do you have? Pick your best one and pursue it.
posted by spindrifter at 9:48 AM on January 27, 2016 [11 favorites]
You (both) need more time. You're still to intertwined to be healthy and balanced in your interactions together. That's normal at this stage of such a big breakup, but you both need to rediscover your edges and who you are as individuals. Only after you've done that can you navigate back into a healthy dynamic together.
Under no circumstances should you move in together at this moment. What other options do you have? Pick your best one and pursue it.
posted by spindrifter at 9:48 AM on January 27, 2016 [11 favorites]
Respecting your stated objective, my advice would be to hold off communicating with him for as long as is practicable. If that's only to this weekend, then at least take that much time. You've already cried and begged so your best remaining tactic is to give him space. It also has the benefit of giving you some time to gather yourself.
I don't see how the two of you can live together in this situation and suggest you look into alternatives, but I understand that previous financial commitments could make anything else impossible at least in the short run. I would suggest trying to stay as distant from him as possible, in a calm and non-cruel way, even if you both end up in the loft. If you can live somewhere else, even better. Don't make the breakup easier for him by serving as the quasi-girlfriend during a transition period. Don't comfort him. The relationship is probably done, but your best and only hope is that he changes his mind after you absence (certainly emotional, but hopefully also physical) from his life. This also has the benefit of getting you ready to move on if things don't work out as you'd like.
posted by Area Man at 9:49 AM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
I don't see how the two of you can live together in this situation and suggest you look into alternatives, but I understand that previous financial commitments could make anything else impossible at least in the short run. I would suggest trying to stay as distant from him as possible, in a calm and non-cruel way, even if you both end up in the loft. If you can live somewhere else, even better. Don't make the breakup easier for him by serving as the quasi-girlfriend during a transition period. Don't comfort him. The relationship is probably done, but your best and only hope is that he changes his mind after you absence (certainly emotional, but hopefully also physical) from his life. This also has the benefit of getting you ready to move on if things don't work out as you'd like.
posted by Area Man at 9:49 AM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
I'm sorry this is happening to you, break ups can be very painful.
The first thing you need to do is take care of yourself. In your previous posts, you mention having bipolar disorder. Please continue to take your meds, attend therapy, etc. It may seem difficult, but keeping to a regular schedule and also taking care of your mental health needs is important.
Secondly, being in contact with him results in a lot of mixed feelings, which is understandable. Can a friend act on your behalf in dealing with the apartment with your ex? Don't let the move-in date intimidate you. Presumably, that means you already have the apartment. Given that you both have VERY different ideas about the future - his wanting to be a monk, you wanting kids - living together at the moment is NOT a good idea.
posted by mlo at 9:50 AM on January 27, 2016 [6 favorites]
The first thing you need to do is take care of yourself. In your previous posts, you mention having bipolar disorder. Please continue to take your meds, attend therapy, etc. It may seem difficult, but keeping to a regular schedule and also taking care of your mental health needs is important.
Secondly, being in contact with him results in a lot of mixed feelings, which is understandable. Can a friend act on your behalf in dealing with the apartment with your ex? Don't let the move-in date intimidate you. Presumably, that means you already have the apartment. Given that you both have VERY different ideas about the future - his wanting to be a monk, you wanting kids - living together at the moment is NOT a good idea.
posted by mlo at 9:50 AM on January 27, 2016 [6 favorites]
You are asking him to make a lifetime decision here. I am very sorry, but a week of no contact to see what life is like without you and experience solitude is not enough. You need to be looking a months if not a full year. Anything else is just reacting to the waves of an emotionally fraught breakup and not the true conditions underneath.
Break the lease, go no contact, prepare to batten down for a year.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:56 AM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
Break the lease, go no contact, prepare to batten down for a year.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:56 AM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
I'm very sorry you're going through such heartache. I completely understand the pain and panic of trying to hold on to what you can and turn things around. I believe there are some situations in life where not actively trying is more likely to produce the desired results . As much as you don't want to hear this, the bitter medicine is sometimes the most effective: you cannot control the outcome. Sending a text now or waiting until the weekend might seem strategic but they don't make much of a difference if he has already made that decision.
Your SO seems confused obviously, and wanting to become a monk is an unusual reason to break up, but in the context of the illness he went through it makes sense, as the trauma might have really pushed him to desperately seek some spirituality to get through it. But you said "for a multitude of reasons" and it would make it a bit clearer if you wished to list those as well. Because if what he needs is a spiritual experience that will answer or ease some of the questions he undoubtedly faced when going through his illness, there are many ways to do that without retreating completely from the world, and you could even help him navigate them.
But this is a journey he must take alone, and all you can do is show him that you love him, support him and you will be there in one way or another during it and after. He cares for you obviously, and his confusion makes him act clumsily, so adding more pressure to that will just push him away further. But you do seem to have some practical issues to resolve as well, so for that you should contact him and have an honest conversation on how to proceed.
This is way more complex for just a week of no contact to resolve, and that's something you need to make peace with. You say he's the love of your life and only you can know how long you are willing to wait, but if you want to try you must be prepared that No Contact could be a lot, a lot longer before he changes his mind and it could not even result in that. But a week is too short, the shock of it hasn't even worn off in a week. In my last relationship, the sadness of the break up didn't even set in until the second month for me, that's when it hit me and I started processing the feelings.
Best of luck to you.
posted by ariadne_88 at 10:01 AM on January 27, 2016
Your SO seems confused obviously, and wanting to become a monk is an unusual reason to break up, but in the context of the illness he went through it makes sense, as the trauma might have really pushed him to desperately seek some spirituality to get through it. But you said "for a multitude of reasons" and it would make it a bit clearer if you wished to list those as well. Because if what he needs is a spiritual experience that will answer or ease some of the questions he undoubtedly faced when going through his illness, there are many ways to do that without retreating completely from the world, and you could even help him navigate them.
But this is a journey he must take alone, and all you can do is show him that you love him, support him and you will be there in one way or another during it and after. He cares for you obviously, and his confusion makes him act clumsily, so adding more pressure to that will just push him away further. But you do seem to have some practical issues to resolve as well, so for that you should contact him and have an honest conversation on how to proceed.
This is way more complex for just a week of no contact to resolve, and that's something you need to make peace with. You say he's the love of your life and only you can know how long you are willing to wait, but if you want to try you must be prepared that No Contact could be a lot, a lot longer before he changes his mind and it could not even result in that. But a week is too short, the shock of it hasn't even worn off in a week. In my last relationship, the sadness of the break up didn't even set in until the second month for me, that's when it hit me and I started processing the feelings.
Best of luck to you.
posted by ariadne_88 at 10:01 AM on January 27, 2016
I'm really confused--you say you and your boyfriend have been together for years, but just in October you posted a question about a new (presumably different) boyfriend and how to tell him you had bipolar? How many times have you and your boyfriend broken up? Are you still seeing the other person?
I don't mean to like, get legalistic with your question history; it just seems to me that the answers to your question are different if this is the 4th or 5th time you and your boyfriend have split, or the 1st, and whether there are other people involved at this point.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:23 AM on January 27, 2016 [9 favorites]
I don't mean to like, get legalistic with your question history; it just seems to me that the answers to your question are different if this is the 4th or 5th time you and your boyfriend have split, or the 1st, and whether there are other people involved at this point.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:23 AM on January 27, 2016 [9 favorites]
I know TWO women who married men who had previously decided to become monks. Yes, really. Not even in the same church denominations. I realize this sounds like a weird fable or something, but it is 100% factual. I attended both weddings, these are real people. I promise you that this is not sarcasm or metaphor. You can read my comment history— I’m one of MF’s religious types, so I know a lot of religious types.
In both cases, these women said something along the lines of: “I love you and I respect your decision. I’m sorry we won’t get to spend our lives together.”
And then both women went off and made plans to live their lives as single women, whose self-worth was not determined by having a romantic relationship. Not as a ploy, or anything— they were both heartbroken, but accepted that it was over.
And both men planning to be monks did some soul-searching, and they both realized that the lifelong celibacy and solitude plan seemed a lot less attractive after the women were out of their lives, and moving away, and planning careers, and moving on (just like both pre-monks had said they wanted).
And both almost-monks changed their minds, and went into ministry in other ways, and both these couples are now married with kids.
So, since you don’t care whether or not it is a good idea to get this guy back, there you go: two men abandoned monk-hood because of this method. The method is: do not talk to him. Do not cry where he can hear you or try to persuade him. Do not text him for anything other than businesslike requests for info about how to break the lease. Calmly and rationally make the best decisions for you and your situation. Do not take what is “best” for him into account when making these decisions, do not try to leave room for him in your plans. You are asking him to respect your decisions, and you can model that behavior by doing the same for him: believe that he wants what he has told you he wants, believe he is going to live his life according to the plans he has made for himself. Take him at his word that your relationship is over. Build your own life. I have seen not one but TWO monk-careers derailed intro matrimony this way.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 10:29 AM on January 27, 2016 [8 favorites]
In both cases, these women said something along the lines of: “I love you and I respect your decision. I’m sorry we won’t get to spend our lives together.”
And then both women went off and made plans to live their lives as single women, whose self-worth was not determined by having a romantic relationship. Not as a ploy, or anything— they were both heartbroken, but accepted that it was over.
And both men planning to be monks did some soul-searching, and they both realized that the lifelong celibacy and solitude plan seemed a lot less attractive after the women were out of their lives, and moving away, and planning careers, and moving on (just like both pre-monks had said they wanted).
And both almost-monks changed their minds, and went into ministry in other ways, and both these couples are now married with kids.
So, since you don’t care whether or not it is a good idea to get this guy back, there you go: two men abandoned monk-hood because of this method. The method is: do not talk to him. Do not cry where he can hear you or try to persuade him. Do not text him for anything other than businesslike requests for info about how to break the lease. Calmly and rationally make the best decisions for you and your situation. Do not take what is “best” for him into account when making these decisions, do not try to leave room for him in your plans. You are asking him to respect your decisions, and you can model that behavior by doing the same for him: believe that he wants what he has told you he wants, believe he is going to live his life according to the plans he has made for himself. Take him at his word that your relationship is over. Build your own life. I have seen not one but TWO monk-careers derailed intro matrimony this way.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 10:29 AM on January 27, 2016 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: Yes, when he first broke up with me I was completely heartbroken but SO told me if I couldn't be friends we should not talk anymore; so I dated in an effort to move on while still maintaining the friendship. Unfortunately, and for obvious reasons, I could not form a genuine connection with anyone else.
He has said he would pay half the Loft rent if I want to live there alone (he has tons of money) but I feel like that is a horrible idea bc I will totally be on a string. Thoughts?
posted by asmith30 at 10:53 AM on January 27, 2016
He has said he would pay half the Loft rent if I want to live there alone (he has tons of money) but I feel like that is a horrible idea bc I will totally be on a string. Thoughts?
posted by asmith30 at 10:53 AM on January 27, 2016
If he has loads of money, would he pay whatever the penalty is for you both to break the lease?
I know it's the dream flat, but it's currently a millstone round your neck and is making it difficult to deal with the more important issue of the relationship.
Whatever the long-term outcome for the relationship, being rid of the flat right now seems like a desirable short-term goal.
posted by penguin pie at 10:59 AM on January 27, 2016 [8 favorites]
I know it's the dream flat, but it's currently a millstone round your neck and is making it difficult to deal with the more important issue of the relationship.
Whatever the long-term outcome for the relationship, being rid of the flat right now seems like a desirable short-term goal.
posted by penguin pie at 10:59 AM on January 27, 2016 [8 favorites]
Ah, thank you for the clarification! In that case, yes, I think that you should probably follow a fiendish thingy's advice to the letter, including breaking the lease on the loft.
It may take longer than you want, I am afraid, and there are no guarantees. But however it turns out, you'll be fine.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:12 AM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
It may take longer than you want, I am afraid, and there are no guarantees. But however it turns out, you'll be fine.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:12 AM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
Just to be clear, did you eventually get back together after your breakup in the fall and then re-break up, or has this breakup been ongoing since October? Because if it's the latter . . . if there were any specific action on your part that could change his mind (begging, asking with dignity, or anything in between) you probably would have already stumbled upon it by accident. I'm not saying that there's no chance you'll end up together, I'm just saying I don't think there's much you can do at this point to affect his choice. I know that's a horrible feeling -- things are easier when you have even a little bit of control, even if you're just blaming yourself for messing things up -- and I'm sorry.
Given that, probably the best thing to do right now is just to make whatever choices will put you in the least short-term pain while this gets figured out. And I can guarantee that the less time you spend communicating with him over the next few days, the less painful they will be.
P.S. Do you need to vacate your current living situation, i.e. to allow another tenant to move in? Because if not, I'd just sit tight in your current place and save the moving-in decision for once the relationship decision has been made.
posted by ostro at 11:18 AM on January 27, 2016
Given that, probably the best thing to do right now is just to make whatever choices will put you in the least short-term pain while this gets figured out. And I can guarantee that the less time you spend communicating with him over the next few days, the less painful they will be.
P.S. Do you need to vacate your current living situation, i.e. to allow another tenant to move in? Because if not, I'd just sit tight in your current place and save the moving-in decision for once the relationship decision has been made.
posted by ostro at 11:18 AM on January 27, 2016
The best way to get him back is to be strong, distant, and assertive to the point of borderline bitchiness.
He pays to break the lease, then you both walk away. Accept no compromise on this. Be cold, clear, firm, and demanding. He broke up with you, so he pays the penalty. The end.
Let him miss you. It sounds like this strategy actually is working to your benefit. Do not give him your friendship and support without a relationship.
posted by quincunx at 11:19 AM on January 27, 2016 [6 favorites]
He pays to break the lease, then you both walk away. Accept no compromise on this. Be cold, clear, firm, and demanding. He broke up with you, so he pays the penalty. The end.
Let him miss you. It sounds like this strategy actually is working to your benefit. Do not give him your friendship and support without a relationship.
posted by quincunx at 11:19 AM on January 27, 2016 [6 favorites]
Break the lease, you can't afford it and he doesn't want to live with you. Since he's loaded, he can pay the lease breaking fees.
There is no magic formula for reconciling if one person wants out. If you went no contact as a ploy to get him to miss you, it was misguided. Certainly it won't be just a week and POUF! He can't miss you if you're there, waiting for his call.
A person doesn't end a long term relationship and become a monk on a whim. He agonized over this. You wanted to talk about commitment and starting a family, he decided to end it. He's not ready to commit, or start a family and he pretty much did the nuclear option, not only ending the relationship, but choosing a life of NO personal relationships.
Now to address the Drama Llama stuff Your words are powerful and what you say becomes what you live. You say the is man is "the love of my life" You say it a lot. Stop saying it. It's not true. He may be someone you have loved and may love in the present, but he will not be the one and only person you love.
You don't want to move on, and I'm sorry, but if you don't move on, you won't move at all. So go through the motions of being a single person. Find joy in your life because this person wasn't the only hope of happiness for you.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:21 AM on January 27, 2016 [11 favorites]
There is no magic formula for reconciling if one person wants out. If you went no contact as a ploy to get him to miss you, it was misguided. Certainly it won't be just a week and POUF! He can't miss you if you're there, waiting for his call.
A person doesn't end a long term relationship and become a monk on a whim. He agonized over this. You wanted to talk about commitment and starting a family, he decided to end it. He's not ready to commit, or start a family and he pretty much did the nuclear option, not only ending the relationship, but choosing a life of NO personal relationships.
Now to address the Drama Llama stuff Your words are powerful and what you say becomes what you live. You say the is man is "the love of my life" You say it a lot. Stop saying it. It's not true. He may be someone you have loved and may love in the present, but he will not be the one and only person you love.
You don't want to move on, and I'm sorry, but if you don't move on, you won't move at all. So go through the motions of being a single person. Find joy in your life because this person wasn't the only hope of happiness for you.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:21 AM on January 27, 2016 [11 favorites]
He has said he would pay half the Loft rent if I want to live there alone (he has tons of money) but I feel like that is a horrible idea bc I will totally be on a string. Thoughts?
Jesus God no that is the worst idea since bread made from razor blades. Best case scenario is he pays his half and lets you live your life and doesn't actually interfere with you, then you're still in THIS PLACE that reminds you of him and every single day you remember that you're only in THIS PLACE because HE IS SUPPORTING YOU. This place is like the Venus Flytrap of rentals. Very pretty, but do not want.
posted by disconnect at 11:22 AM on January 27, 2016 [13 favorites]
Jesus God no that is the worst idea since bread made from razor blades. Best case scenario is he pays his half and lets you live your life and doesn't actually interfere with you, then you're still in THIS PLACE that reminds you of him and every single day you remember that you're only in THIS PLACE because HE IS SUPPORTING YOU. This place is like the Venus Flytrap of rentals. Very pretty, but do not want.
posted by disconnect at 11:22 AM on January 27, 2016 [13 favorites]
Yeah, him paying half the rent and letting you live there alone would be fair (since it is his decision that's causing this problem), but not good for either or you because it keeps the two of you entangled. He should take the responsibility of dealing with the landlord to break the lease and handling any resulting liability or he should live there himself alone. You need your own space.
posted by Area Man at 11:28 AM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Area Man at 11:28 AM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
I think if the goal is to get back together as lovers not just friends, the best course of action would be to move into the loft together as friends. My guess is that it will fall back into old habits. As for moving in there alone and him paying half the rent, that too is reasonable. You could do that for a few months hoping he "comes to his senses" and can always try to find a roommate to take his share.
posted by AugustWest at 11:43 AM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by AugustWest at 11:43 AM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
Oh man. Don't do that.
posted by mippy at 3:02 PM on January 27, 2016 [14 favorites]
posted by mippy at 3:02 PM on January 27, 2016 [14 favorites]
Yeah or I guess you can do that. What's the worst that can happen--he brings someone else home and introduces her as his girlfriend, and then proceeds to have sex with her where you live? Oh, right. Yeah.
So um, as long as you're ready for that to definitely absolutely happen at some point, go for it.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:21 PM on January 27, 2016 [6 favorites]
So um, as long as you're ready for that to definitely absolutely happen at some point, go for it.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:21 PM on January 27, 2016 [6 favorites]
Lordy. AugustWest, I think that might be one of the worst pieces of advice I've read on AskMe. asmith30, I can think of no better way to make this whole situation as exquisitely painful as possible. Do you really want to see him every day after he's decided your life as a couple is over and is merrily getting on with the rest of his life without you as his girlfriend? In the best case scenario, you really want to be with someone who is only with you because he "fell back into old habits"? Does that sound like a great foundation for lifelong happiness? No, no, no, no, no.
posted by penguin pie at 3:28 PM on January 27, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by penguin pie at 3:28 PM on January 27, 2016 [7 favorites]
I had a protacted, horrible breakup with someone I loved deeply who appeared to be taking the approach AugustWest suggests to our relationship by simply refusing to move out and doing everything in their power to make it impossible for me to do so short of physical violence (and then, once I finally did move out, constantly badgering me). In doing so, that person utterly destroyed any chances we might have had of getting back together again. Which is a thing that might, actually, have happened, had this person done things like pulling themselves together and moving on without me after the breakup. Refusal to do so drove me away. If the person had gone away for a while like phunniemee suggests--like, for a year or two--to give us both space to think and sort our own shit, I almost certainly would have given the relationship another chance after that time. At that time, I still missed the person and the relationship a lot, but their actions during and after the breakup demonstrated to me that they were not someone I ever wanted to be in a relationship with again.
In other words, if you hope to reconcile--give him all the space he needs.
posted by tiger tiger at 3:40 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
In other words, if you hope to reconcile--give him all the space he needs.
posted by tiger tiger at 3:40 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Well. Thank you so much for all the advice. I took all the advice, in my own way. I sent him a very calm message saying that in order for me to heal and to respect his decision would he be willing to sign a contract that I would habitate the place alone, and he would pay his full year's portion of the rent up front (he is VERY wealthy and this money is child's play to him) so that we need not continue contact throughout the year.
If not, what would he be willing to contribute to the costs of breaking the lease so that I may find another living arrangement unattached to him.
This was my best attempt at resolving the pragmatic concerns in a non-dramatic way, giving him his space and facilitating my healing.
PS I'm never falling in love again.
posted by asmith30 at 4:21 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
If not, what would he be willing to contribute to the costs of breaking the lease so that I may find another living arrangement unattached to him.
This was my best attempt at resolving the pragmatic concerns in a non-dramatic way, giving him his space and facilitating my healing.
PS I'm never falling in love again.
posted by asmith30 at 4:21 PM on January 27, 2016 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: By the way, all those advising me to "give him his space," did you miss the part of the story where I asked him to please not contact me bc I could not be friends due to my feelings and he completely ignored that request and HE texted me within 48 hours?
posted by asmith30 at 4:37 PM on January 27, 2016
posted by asmith30 at 4:37 PM on January 27, 2016
Nobody missed that, asmith30, but you were asking if you should text him now, or at the weekend, and people were counselling against it.
Sounds like you've made a tough, but good decision for yourself at an awful time. Well done - look after yourself.
posted by penguin pie at 5:03 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
Sounds like you've made a tough, but good decision for yourself at an awful time. Well done - look after yourself.
posted by penguin pie at 5:03 PM on January 27, 2016 [2 favorites]
I agree he owes you financially to soften the blow here, just expect shenanigans since he'll feel entitled to access you once he's paid your rent for you, if you go that route. He'll almost surely go that route, it provides dramaz.
You should not go that route. Your next year will be torture if you do.
posted by jbenben at 5:58 PM on January 27, 2016 [5 favorites]
You should not go that route. Your next year will be torture if you do.
posted by jbenben at 5:58 PM on January 27, 2016 [5 favorites]
I think it's fair enough that he follows through on paying out an agreement made during your relationship. Move into a fucking awesome space and enjoy it for a year. Deck it out. Have parties. Set up a yoga room. Or a massive library - and/or any other kick ass use of the space that you can revel in for a year. Hell yes.
He agreed to rent the space and he's the one to end the relationship in pursuit of monkdom. Why should you get bent out of shape because he's doing a skip n jump in your life? I'd be devouring an awesome new space and cheering myself on. Sounds like he's taken a fuckload out of your life. I'd be salivating to have a great space to console me, it's YOURS, none of this 'oh no, he's paying for half!' - uh uh, he's paying his exit dues. Get that clear in your head. Party on, sister.
posted by honey-barbara at 10:54 PM on January 27, 2016
He agreed to rent the space and he's the one to end the relationship in pursuit of monkdom. Why should you get bent out of shape because he's doing a skip n jump in your life? I'd be devouring an awesome new space and cheering myself on. Sounds like he's taken a fuckload out of your life. I'd be salivating to have a great space to console me, it's YOURS, none of this 'oh no, he's paying for half!' - uh uh, he's paying his exit dues. Get that clear in your head. Party on, sister.
posted by honey-barbara at 10:54 PM on January 27, 2016
That means he has no keys, no furniture, no access, nada. It's YOUR space. He's NOT paying to have actual space, he's paying for 'space'. It's YOUR space, got that?
posted by honey-barbara at 10:58 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by honey-barbara at 10:58 PM on January 27, 2016 [1 favorite]
Jbenben is right. There is a very unhealthy but sadly common dynamic, especially in male-female relationships, in which men think "I gave her nice things, so she owes me." If he is at all likely to do that, I would just bail. Just BAIL sister. Don't worry about the ifs and the buts and the what if we did thises, just draw a bright line, say NOPE, and move on. My boyfriend also has more money than I do, and for a very long time I insisted on paying him back for everything for this reason. As much as he says he doesn't and won't ever feel that way (my money= entitled), I think he probably can feel that way just the tiniest bit deep down or unconsciously, and I don't even want to risk it. If your guy has ever had these issues with waving around money and expecting something in return in the past, pay attention to the signs and don't invite trouble.
You were wise to get him to agree to pay a lump sum up front. There may be legal issues if his name is on the lease, though, that you aren't thinking about. Also, can you afford to live there even if he pays half up front? I still think the best case scenario is he pays to break the lease and you move on to a totally fresh start. Not knowing where you live will probably drive him nuts, trust me.
I see why you made AugustWest's answer best answer and believe me, I get it, I know you're hurting and you want to just stand there and be awesome and loving and hot and sweet and wave it in his face until he gives in. But I honestly believe that's not actually going to help you get him back. Lots of people who are broken up with think "It must be something I am lacking, if only I am MORE hot, MORE giving, MORE sweet, he will come back!" I think, especially when the man is initiating the break up for "personal" reasons like this, that is very unlikely to actually be the case. (Now, if you were a middle aged housewife with a workaholic husband initiating a divorce, and he were asking this question, then I might see the benefit of the advice, to the man, of "try harder! Show her you care!) But that advice is almost certainly patently wrong FOR YOU.
For a youngish woman in your position being broken up with by a man, the best advice is to sure, be hot and loving and awesome and confident- but do it in front of other men. Not him. Do not give him easy, constant access. Men miss what they don't have. Trust me on this.
posted by quincunx at 7:41 AM on January 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
You were wise to get him to agree to pay a lump sum up front. There may be legal issues if his name is on the lease, though, that you aren't thinking about. Also, can you afford to live there even if he pays half up front? I still think the best case scenario is he pays to break the lease and you move on to a totally fresh start. Not knowing where you live will probably drive him nuts, trust me.
I see why you made AugustWest's answer best answer and believe me, I get it, I know you're hurting and you want to just stand there and be awesome and loving and hot and sweet and wave it in his face until he gives in. But I honestly believe that's not actually going to help you get him back. Lots of people who are broken up with think "It must be something I am lacking, if only I am MORE hot, MORE giving, MORE sweet, he will come back!" I think, especially when the man is initiating the break up for "personal" reasons like this, that is very unlikely to actually be the case. (Now, if you were a middle aged housewife with a workaholic husband initiating a divorce, and he were asking this question, then I might see the benefit of the advice, to the man, of "try harder! Show her you care!) But that advice is almost certainly patently wrong FOR YOU.
For a youngish woman in your position being broken up with by a man, the best advice is to sure, be hot and loving and awesome and confident- but do it in front of other men. Not him. Do not give him easy, constant access. Men miss what they don't have. Trust me on this.
posted by quincunx at 7:41 AM on January 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
I echo the red flag of him paying for the space. Just like the old canard: "you're not paying a prostitute for the sex - you're paying her to go away after." Is it possible to change your telephone/email and not let him know - so you won't know he is trying to contact you? Or rent a different unit in the building so he won't know you true address if you are unwilling to walk away from the current apartment (which I agree is going to delay your own healing). Good luck and be gentle with yourself and try to fill your life with love from others.
posted by saucysault at 12:16 PM on January 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by saucysault at 12:16 PM on January 28, 2016 [2 favorites]
It's an awful, terrible, really bad idea to ask him to pay for the apartment while you live there - even with a contract that he can't join you. If you're objective is to "get him back", then you're going to have to completely 100% give him up right now. That means NO connection AT ALL - no contracts, no joint endeavors, no money from him, no contact, NOTHING. Seriously, if you want him in the long run, listen to the advice of the wise people here who are telling you to completely (!) walk away. If money is no object to him, then he pays ALL of the fees for breaking the lease. You pay nothing -- because he broke up with you.
Get a friend, or a lawyer or another mediator, to communicate with him from now on. Amend your last message to him to say that actually? You're not going to live in the apartment, he's going to pay the fee for breaking the lease. You wish him the best. Goodbye.
When he calls and texts you (because he will) - do not answer. Block his number and set up an automated message that he'll get if he emails you that says his message has been deleted. Make sure his messages are filtered so that you never even see them.
Go stay with a friend or family member until you can get a new apartment.
No contact doesn't mean "no contact until he calls me". It means NO CONTACT. At all. For at least 6 months to a year. I know that sounds like torture, but if you want him back, that's your best move. Seriously.
posted by Gray Skies at 6:28 AM on January 29, 2016 [3 favorites]
Get a friend, or a lawyer or another mediator, to communicate with him from now on. Amend your last message to him to say that actually? You're not going to live in the apartment, he's going to pay the fee for breaking the lease. You wish him the best. Goodbye.
When he calls and texts you (because he will) - do not answer. Block his number and set up an automated message that he'll get if he emails you that says his message has been deleted. Make sure his messages are filtered so that you never even see them.
Go stay with a friend or family member until you can get a new apartment.
No contact doesn't mean "no contact until he calls me". It means NO CONTACT. At all. For at least 6 months to a year. I know that sounds like torture, but if you want him back, that's your best move. Seriously.
posted by Gray Skies at 6:28 AM on January 29, 2016 [3 favorites]
Also: You will probably fall in love again -- but it will be SO much better than this. Why? Because you are learning some really important lessons right now and you are going to be stronger and wiser and more resilient when you come out of this (and you will come out of it). I know it seems like you won't and that the universe revolves around This Special Person, but do you realize how many people have been in your shoes? Millions of us have found love again.
posted by Gray Skies at 6:32 AM on January 29, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Gray Skies at 6:32 AM on January 29, 2016 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
This sounds like a situation where you both need to get your bearings for a while. Work on making yourself happy and healthy, find things that you value outside of your relationship with him, and put your effort into being your own independent person for a while. He also needs to do the same. Neither of you are going to be any good to each other right now--he's got his own shit to sort through, and you're grasping at straws and desperate because you have this time crunch of the loft move hanging over your head. You both need space right now. There will be plenty of time later to get back together once you've both done your own healing.
You should start looking for roommates asap so your new living space doesn't become a financial burden. If his name is on the lease, too, he needs to show some responsibility in helping you pay for the space until you can find a roommate.
posted by phunniemee at 9:41 AM on January 27, 2016 [5 favorites]