Keeping an LDR moving forward
January 25, 2016 7:22 PM   Subscribe

I've been dating someone long-distance for about five months. We met in Hometown 7 years ago. We now live on separate coasts. Our travel and work schedules forced 2.5 months to elapse between our first date and our second. Since then we've managed to see one another every 4-6 weeks or so. We've had five dates so far and another planned for a few weeks from now. Last time we were together we had a bit of a "where are we" chat and Date said that they were having a great time, happy with how things were going, enjoying our visits, the sex is great, etc. however Date is concerned that it's hard to see an end game where we end up in the same city and that puts Date, to quote verbatim, "half in and half out of the relationship." I'm absolutely not ready to discuss any sort of moving plan, but I do want to find ways to keep things moving forward. What are things you've done in LDRs to increase the level of commitment short of solving the Big Problem?

Over our five dates we've spent 10 days together and I feel like things have progressed pretty far during that time, probably remarkably far relative to the time we've spent together. We text frequently every day, we speak on the phone for an hour or two about once every other week. We've talked about our goals for the future, past relationships, family history, cities we'd consider living in, and all sorts of other Very Serious things that have quickly brought us very close to one another. We've met some of one another's friends on the last visits. We've discussed how we're both still on dating sites for NSA sex, but not presently seeing anyone else. We've had a couple disagreements and so far we're able to fight in a healthy way. The future looks promising and relocation to see what unfolds is definitely on the table, but not yet.

Date isn't all-in yet, I'm not all-in yet, it's easy to make Big Problem the reason why. Neither of us will be comfortable with tackling relocation until we grow the relationship to a more committed state. I'm particularly concerned that things grow organically to a solid foundation because it seems likely that I'll be the one to move.

I know there is a continuum between "we're just dating casually, you're important to me but I'm still keeping options open because this could fall apart at any moment" and "I'm uprooting my life and moving across the country to live with you" however I'm having trouble identifying the mileposts along that path. It looks like there's only one big leap from here.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (10 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
What about planning to take a long vacation together, if your schedules permit? Do some traveling, or at least spend a few weeks together on one coast or the other.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:28 PM on January 25, 2016 [8 favorites]


Regular Skype chats, if you're not doing that? Love letters? I love getting love letters.
posted by three_red_balloons at 7:34 PM on January 25, 2016


The last time I found myself in an LDR it ended up being really important to us to start planning one visit ahead, so that at the end of one weekend together we could be like "Okay, assuming nothing catastrophic happens I'll be out here again at the end of February" or whatever. Not as a Serious Unbreakable Vow or whatever, just as, like, "Yes, we both are looking forward to doing this again." Would that be a manageable chunk of seriousness?

Also: are you interested in monogamy eventually? Would you be interested in monogamy with this person now if you had reasonable confidence that it wasn't going to fall apart right away? (Not commitment necessarily, just like "So long as we don't break up, I'm gonna keep not-hooking-up-with-other-people"?) Because that's a pretty standard Relationship Escalator step for people whose predilections lie in that direction, and one that it isn't crazy to take pretty early in a relationship if that's something that works for you.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:59 PM on January 25, 2016 [2 favorites]


Commitment shouldn't be your goal. It should be a side-effect of knowing each other more, and discovering that there's something really special there. So keep doing all the things you would do when getting to know someone.

Socks first, then shoes.
posted by danny the boy at 9:11 PM on January 25, 2016 [2 favorites]


I feel you, having done the LDR thing.*

What are things you've done in LDRs to increase the level of commitment short of solving the Big Problem?

It's hard to increase the level of commitment if you're not on the same page as to what the end goal is. Even if it's that you both enjoy each other and want to see how it unfolds, that indicates a level of commitment to trying. If someone is half in, half out then it's not really possible to increase the commitment because they're not committed. And it's difficult to commit to a LDR; you should appreciate your partner's honesty.

As much as you may like this person, it's more than okay to not like the current state of your relationship. It's worth your time to consider if you're happy with the status quo and to decide if this is making you happy. If it's not, it's okay to pull the plug on the relationship. LDRs are hard, even when both of you have the same end goal of being in the same city at a certain point.

The reality of most LDRs is you both want to end up in the same place to be together. If one of you knows going in that isn't something they'll want to do, it's better to end things.

*Condensed version is I was in a LDR and made it clear early on that my end goal was he moved near me. He agreed and after about two years, moved in with me. The problem was that he actually never wanted to move and once he was in my house he turned into an angry and sullen unemployed person. Had he been honest that he didn't want to relocate we could have broken it off earlier.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 2:46 AM on January 26, 2016


I'm only familiar with how my LDR turned out.

1. We were both part of an on-line community and we were in chat pretty much every evening. We knew each other on-line for a year as friends.

2. Once we realized we had crushes on each other we started meeting IRL. Difficulty Level: I lived in Florida, he lived in NYC.

3. We had a date every two weeks. He would fly down to see me once a month, I'd fly up to see him once a month. I was teaching at the time, so I'd go hang out at his place for long breaks.

4. We'd talk on the phone every day.

5. After about 6 months of dating, and about 1.5 years of knowing each other, we got engaged.

6. Once his lease expired, he moved to Florida, got a job and we lived together.

7. Three months after that we were married.

8. 14 years later, we're still married.

The point of the time-line is to show that there was a willingness on both parts to really work for time in person together AND to connect with each other daily. We did have an end-game defined pretty soon in the relationship.

Here's the thing. You can really only progress a relationship with IRL dates. Daily contact keeps you connected, but being together is where the rubber meets the road.

When we're together all weekend, it's a BUNCH of dates, since we were together for 48 hours. But still and all, unless you're both willing to commit to more frequent visits, all you're doing right now is tying yourself up.

You seem more invested than he is. Are you both exclusive? In a perfect world how do you see this working out? How does he see it working out? Do you both want marriage, children?

Sometimes you have to ask the hard questions if only to keep you from spending time with someone who doesn't want the same things that you do. The problem with an LDR is that because of the pace, you can be two years down the road before you discover that you want VERY different things.

Your BF is happy with things as they are right now. You want more of a commitment. It seems to me that you're come to a significant decision here. If you want more, and he's not ready, it may be time to move on. If you're not exclusive, date other people, meet your friend from across the country when you can. If and when he's ready to commit, if you still are, yoffe! If not, it's not like you put your life on hold waiting for him to decide
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:41 AM on January 26, 2016 [1 favorite]


I think you're doing all the right things now... seeing each other when you can, communicating a lot, sharing intimacies. Keep at it! That's how you decide if you really do want to relocate eventually.

But it's possible that Date really can't go "all in" for a long distance relationship. I don't think I could, to be honest; temporary periods of living far away from my fiance in an already well established relationship were difficult enough for me that I tended to step back from the relationship. For some of us, it doesn't feel "real" if you're not there, and while sometimes that's okay, sometimes we want things that are not possible to provide long distance.

If that's his situation, what does that mean for you?
posted by metasarah at 5:18 AM on January 26, 2016 [1 favorite]


however Date is concerned that it's hard to see an end game where we end up in the same city and that puts Date, to quote verbatim, "half in and half out of the relationship." I'm absolutely not ready to discuss any sort of moving plan, but I do want to find ways to keep things moving forward. What are things you've done in LDRs to increase the level of commitment short of solving the Big Problem?

As the MeFi saying goes, believe what people tell you bout themselves, and the two statements I bolded above are at odds with each other.

I was in a serious LDR that started as an online friendship. We were friends for a few years when we each began to develop feelings for each other, and one day he said he'd reached the point where it would be too painful to continue unless we could end up together. I knew he couldn't move here because of his daughter, and I told him I would be willing to move if things got to that point. It ultimately didn't work out, but the relationship did progress after that talk and we had started laying out solid plans for my move. I think you need to have a variation of that conversation.

Personally, I'd want to know if Date wanted to find a way forward. I would ask them to elaborate on their statement; if it's hard to see an end game, what would have to happen for that to change? At that point Date suggests Skyping or visiting more, etc, or Date hems and haws. If they hem and haw, you've saved yourself some heartache. If Date doesn't, you can both come up,with a plan with tangible steps to get to the next point.

As far as closing the distance gap, we eventually started Skyping every evening, but sometimes we'd just putter around and do our own thing, as if we just in other rooms. Every night can't be date night, and it was nice to just know the other person was there. We'd also go see movies "together" where we'd pick EST and PST show times that were as close as possible, them go home and jump on Skype to talk about it. Little things that normalized a tough situation.
posted by Room 641-A at 5:59 AM on January 26, 2016


I feel like maybe I'm reading this differently from other people - to me it sounds like Date is saying "I don't *want* to 'move forward' with this relationship unless I know that we have the potential for a non-LDR future together." Which is pretty reasonable to me. I get that you're not ready to move or commit to moving right now, and that you wouldn't want or expect him to do that either. You've talked about plans for the future, goals, cities where you'd both consider living... but that hasn't reassured him that you will actually end up in the same city in the near future, which implies to me that you might not actually be in agreement about what your future together would look like.

Maybe you can't and you'll have to end things and that will be sad, or maybe you will be able to accept that you can be friends who have great sex when you're in the same city, but IMO if there's no future, it's good to know it now rather than later.

Also, honestly, a couple of fights over five dates seems not amazing, even if it was "healthy" fighting. But I am an uptight New Englander.
posted by mskyle at 6:56 AM on January 26, 2016 [3 favorites]


So, Date basically it's hard for him to see a time where he will move to the same city and you've straight up said you don't have a moving plan. What would make either /one of you comfortable with moving? It doesn't have to be one moving to the other's city, it could be both of you moving to a new one together.

Look, maybe the commitment will never be there but for now it sounds like you haven't spent enough time together so it's there right now. That's why the moving talk is premature, it's a huge step for people who barely know each other IRL. I would work on spending more time together if it's at all feasible. If you can't take more frequent trips and neither one of you feels driven enough to want to move so you can be together, maybe this is as far as you go. But try for more IRL time first before you pull the pin.
posted by Jubey at 1:33 PM on January 26, 2016


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