Extended Family Separation
January 25, 2016 1:52 PM Subscribe
Advice for surviving my wife's summer internship in another state.
We live in Northern California, and my wife accepted a paying internship at a summer theater in Iowa from May to August. This is a good move for her professionally, and it's been offered to her by one of her professors who wants to help her get a leg up. However, we have two small children that are pretty high needs when it comes to their mom, who has been absent a lot for school. She went to a summer program in Italy last summer for a month, and we managed with the help of a wonderful friend who lived with us while she was between leases. It was hard on the kids, but we kept them busy with swim lessons, play dates and park time.
We have fewer options this time around. No obvious nanny who can watch the kids while I'm at work. We've gotten by in the past with copious help from family, but that option has become less palatable due to recent instability with our parents who'd previously been rock solid. And not like instability, but some extremely suspect life choices that make my wife and I uncomfortable with extended childcare. Paid childcare seems like the only other option, except that it will be a serious strain on my single income. The pay my wife will earn will be enough to cover her costs, without contributing meaningfully to the household.
The biggest issue is with the kids, who, even if they only saw mom for an hour each day, would be better off than Skype-ing while she's gone. They struggle with her being gone, even when she's just busy with a production at school. There is a possibility that I could work remotely from Iowa with my company, just to keep my kids in proximity to their mom, but when I mentioned the possibility to my boss several weeks ago when this first came up, he was loathe to let one of his remote workers be so remote. I don't know that we could afford that either.
A lot of the elements are still up in the air, but I'm having a hard time looking at this in a way that works for me and my kids. This is the first time I've written it out, and, boy, that's not making it look better either. My wife and I both feel like this is necessary for her success, and really want to find a way to make this survivable.
Oh, hivemind, what do you suggest?
We live in Northern California, and my wife accepted a paying internship at a summer theater in Iowa from May to August. This is a good move for her professionally, and it's been offered to her by one of her professors who wants to help her get a leg up. However, we have two small children that are pretty high needs when it comes to their mom, who has been absent a lot for school. She went to a summer program in Italy last summer for a month, and we managed with the help of a wonderful friend who lived with us while she was between leases. It was hard on the kids, but we kept them busy with swim lessons, play dates and park time.
We have fewer options this time around. No obvious nanny who can watch the kids while I'm at work. We've gotten by in the past with copious help from family, but that option has become less palatable due to recent instability with our parents who'd previously been rock solid. And not like instability, but some extremely suspect life choices that make my wife and I uncomfortable with extended childcare. Paid childcare seems like the only other option, except that it will be a serious strain on my single income. The pay my wife will earn will be enough to cover her costs, without contributing meaningfully to the household.
The biggest issue is with the kids, who, even if they only saw mom for an hour each day, would be better off than Skype-ing while she's gone. They struggle with her being gone, even when she's just busy with a production at school. There is a possibility that I could work remotely from Iowa with my company, just to keep my kids in proximity to their mom, but when I mentioned the possibility to my boss several weeks ago when this first came up, he was loathe to let one of his remote workers be so remote. I don't know that we could afford that either.
A lot of the elements are still up in the air, but I'm having a hard time looking at this in a way that works for me and my kids. This is the first time I've written it out, and, boy, that's not making it look better either. My wife and I both feel like this is necessary for her success, and really want to find a way to make this survivable.
Oh, hivemind, what do you suggest?
If you can't hired paid help then I see no other option than for you to go out to Iowa and do a short-term rental. I do a summers-only doctorate program and last summer one of my classmates came with her husband and son for the duration of the summer. They rented a house in town.
Having said that, the children of deployed spouses do this all the time. Of course, the children and the spouses who stay at home while the parent is deployed have other institutional support that you can't access outside the military, but perhaps speaking to a military spouses' group might give you some other ideas on how to approach this?
posted by chainsofreedom at 2:20 PM on January 25, 2016 [8 favorites]
Having said that, the children of deployed spouses do this all the time. Of course, the children and the spouses who stay at home while the parent is deployed have other institutional support that you can't access outside the military, but perhaps speaking to a military spouses' group might give you some other ideas on how to approach this?
posted by chainsofreedom at 2:20 PM on January 25, 2016 [8 favorites]
Even if you go out to Iowa and rent a place there, could you still do your remote job effectively while hanging out with the kids in the daytime?
If not, it seems like your best options would be either 1) putting the kids in a Monday-Friday daycare or summer camp, if there's a fairly affordable option, or 2) finding a nanny to hang out with the kids when you're working; you still have time to look for a good match starting in May. A college student on break for the summer could work well. You might be able to do a nanny share with another family (where the nanny would watch your kids plus one or two more, alternating houses). And then, Skyping and phone calls almost every day.
If those options would put your family in debt, discuss how much this internship would realistically help your wife's future career prospects. It might not be worth it, but it might.
posted by lisa g at 2:27 PM on January 25, 2016 [5 favorites]
If not, it seems like your best options would be either 1) putting the kids in a Monday-Friday daycare or summer camp, if there's a fairly affordable option, or 2) finding a nanny to hang out with the kids when you're working; you still have time to look for a good match starting in May. A college student on break for the summer could work well. You might be able to do a nanny share with another family (where the nanny would watch your kids plus one or two more, alternating houses). And then, Skyping and phone calls almost every day.
If those options would put your family in debt, discuss how much this internship would realistically help your wife's future career prospects. It might not be worth it, but it might.
posted by lisa g at 2:27 PM on January 25, 2016 [5 favorites]
I see only a couple options:
1. You cut every other expense to the bone and pay for someone to watch them there in CA; or,
2. You re-engage in discussions with your boss and move everyone out to Iowa for the summer if you can get agreement on that, but even under this option you may need to hire someone to help watch the kids at least part of the time (which could be cheaper than in CA, but on the other hand you have your summer rental expenses).
Ideally, the kids would never be separated from either parent for any extended period, but long-term the two of you need to figure out whether that's a feasible goal given her career path. Isn't there a good chance she'll be spending summers (or even other parts of the year) at out-of-town productions and theater festivals for the foreseeable future? Maybe this is just part of how your kids are going to grow up much like children of merchant sailors, military service members, etc.
posted by Area Man at 2:33 PM on January 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
1. You cut every other expense to the bone and pay for someone to watch them there in CA; or,
2. You re-engage in discussions with your boss and move everyone out to Iowa for the summer if you can get agreement on that, but even under this option you may need to hire someone to help watch the kids at least part of the time (which could be cheaper than in CA, but on the other hand you have your summer rental expenses).
Ideally, the kids would never be separated from either parent for any extended period, but long-term the two of you need to figure out whether that's a feasible goal given her career path. Isn't there a good chance she'll be spending summers (or even other parts of the year) at out-of-town productions and theater festivals for the foreseeable future? Maybe this is just part of how your kids are going to grow up much like children of merchant sailors, military service members, etc.
posted by Area Man at 2:33 PM on January 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
So when this happened previously, for a much shorter time period, and you had a lot more help, you say it was very hard on the kids. That's pretty worrisome. Are you sure this is the best choice for your family right now?
If it is, then paid childcare is your only option, unless you know people you could trade off childcare with. Even if you moved with her, you'd both still need to work.
If your kids are school aged, your municipality may have cost effective day camp options. (They don't usually for preschoolers though.) Churches sometimes do as well. Non-profits (YMCA, scouts, etc.) often have scholarships available to low-income families.
Do you qualify for public assistance? How can you reduce your local expenses?
posted by metasarah at 2:36 PM on January 25, 2016
If it is, then paid childcare is your only option, unless you know people you could trade off childcare with. Even if you moved with her, you'd both still need to work.
If your kids are school aged, your municipality may have cost effective day camp options. (They don't usually for preschoolers though.) Churches sometimes do as well. Non-profits (YMCA, scouts, etc.) often have scholarships available to low-income families.
Do you qualify for public assistance? How can you reduce your local expenses?
posted by metasarah at 2:36 PM on January 25, 2016
So when this happened previously, for a much shorter time period, and you had a lot more help, you say it was very hard on the kids. That's pretty worrisome. Are you sure this is the best choice for your family right now?
I have to agree with this. If your wife not going is off the table, you will have to get paid child care whether you are at home or in Iowa, I can't see a way around it. I would probably push the working remotely issue with your boss, and take the kids to Iowa. Still, even if you can afford it, quality care, especially for the short term, is not always easy to find. Spots fill up, the hours aren't right, etc.
posted by JenMarie at 2:49 PM on January 25, 2016
I have to agree with this. If your wife not going is off the table, you will have to get paid child care whether you are at home or in Iowa, I can't see a way around it. I would probably push the working remotely issue with your boss, and take the kids to Iowa. Still, even if you can afford it, quality care, especially for the short term, is not always easy to find. Spots fill up, the hours aren't right, etc.
posted by JenMarie at 2:49 PM on January 25, 2016
I am disgruntled by the people saying your wife should look for other professional opportunities closer to home or that the children should not be separated from their mother. We very rarely hear this when dads travel for work.
Is an au pair a possibility? The pay rate is $195 per week and it seems possible to find an au pair independently, thus saving the insane agency fees on top of that. (I have access to about 3 bazillion J1 students, drop me a mail if I can help.)
posted by DarlingBri at 2:52 PM on January 25, 2016 [58 favorites]
Is an au pair a possibility? The pay rate is $195 per week and it seems possible to find an au pair independently, thus saving the insane agency fees on top of that. (I have access to about 3 bazillion J1 students, drop me a mail if I can help.)
posted by DarlingBri at 2:52 PM on January 25, 2016 [58 favorites]
I am disgruntled by the people saying your wife should look for other professional opportunities closer to home or that the children should not be separated from their mother. We very rarely hear this when dads travel for work.
FWIW I would say the same thing about a father, especially with the description of the kids already missing their absent parent and having a tough time the last go round (a much shorter duration).
posted by JenMarie at 2:55 PM on January 25, 2016 [22 favorites]
FWIW I would say the same thing about a father, especially with the description of the kids already missing their absent parent and having a tough time the last go round (a much shorter duration).
posted by JenMarie at 2:55 PM on January 25, 2016 [22 favorites]
There are some really harsh responses here, so I'll add some non-harsh.
Hi! I grew up very, very poor and didn't know about it. My mom and dad both worked at least two jobs at a time until I was 14, and my dad was routinely away for 1-2 months at a time (maybe once every other year during those same 14 years, occasionally more frequently and for longer periods). We got by, I learned some independence and life skills.
I don't know your kids' ages, but I spent a lot of time at the childcare center offered by my local YMCA. I don't know the inflation-adjusted amount my parents paid for this, but it was low (I have a vague memory of $30/month, back in the 80s). I'm not religious, my parents weren't, and I never felt religion at the Y beyond the standard Christianized American Worldview. I watched Grease and Labyrinth a lot, and also started learning French there. Plus: pool and swim lessons! I also don't know where you mean by NorCal, but, do you have a Y nearby? Here's their child care link. Worth exploring.
Kids struggle with periods of separation from parents. That's not debated. What is debated is the relative value of kids' feelings and adult realities, which includes the need all kids have with respect to learning how to be independent from their parents when need be. This is different if your kids are in kindergarten and not, like, 5th grade, but I hope the point resonates. Child-parent separation anxiety is a real thing, but also a thing that can be addressed rather than used to guide the lives of the adults around them.
I definitely remember being quite down when my dad wasn't around, but it was also temporary and pre-Skype. I would have killed for Skype. I also learned how to do latchkey kid basics, though, like cooking and cleaning for myself, running my own homework schedule, reading without being told to do so, so on. That helped me greatly when it came time to leave the nest, and I felt much less of the separation anxiety at 18 than some of my peers did who hadn't learned those skills sooner.
I mean no judgment in what I've written, it's purely anecdotal. I have a (mildly) special needs kid whose needs certainly trump my desire for him to learn independent living, and that is a separate discussion, but we've gone through the process with him, too, of learning to refrain from uniformly accommodating perceived needs of his (you, parent, stay near) at the expense of needs of ours (me, parent, need to take work trip).
In any case, I wish you fortitude and good luck for whatever comes.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:21 PM on January 25, 2016 [25 favorites]
Hi! I grew up very, very poor and didn't know about it. My mom and dad both worked at least two jobs at a time until I was 14, and my dad was routinely away for 1-2 months at a time (maybe once every other year during those same 14 years, occasionally more frequently and for longer periods). We got by, I learned some independence and life skills.
I don't know your kids' ages, but I spent a lot of time at the childcare center offered by my local YMCA. I don't know the inflation-adjusted amount my parents paid for this, but it was low (I have a vague memory of $30/month, back in the 80s). I'm not religious, my parents weren't, and I never felt religion at the Y beyond the standard Christianized American Worldview. I watched Grease and Labyrinth a lot, and also started learning French there. Plus: pool and swim lessons! I also don't know where you mean by NorCal, but, do you have a Y nearby? Here's their child care link. Worth exploring.
Kids struggle with periods of separation from parents. That's not debated. What is debated is the relative value of kids' feelings and adult realities, which includes the need all kids have with respect to learning how to be independent from their parents when need be. This is different if your kids are in kindergarten and not, like, 5th grade, but I hope the point resonates. Child-parent separation anxiety is a real thing, but also a thing that can be addressed rather than used to guide the lives of the adults around them.
I definitely remember being quite down when my dad wasn't around, but it was also temporary and pre-Skype. I would have killed for Skype. I also learned how to do latchkey kid basics, though, like cooking and cleaning for myself, running my own homework schedule, reading without being told to do so, so on. That helped me greatly when it came time to leave the nest, and I felt much less of the separation anxiety at 18 than some of my peers did who hadn't learned those skills sooner.
I mean no judgment in what I've written, it's purely anecdotal. I have a (mildly) special needs kid whose needs certainly trump my desire for him to learn independent living, and that is a separate discussion, but we've gone through the process with him, too, of learning to refrain from uniformly accommodating perceived needs of his (you, parent, stay near) at the expense of needs of ours (me, parent, need to take work trip).
In any case, I wish you fortitude and good luck for whatever comes.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:21 PM on January 25, 2016 [25 favorites]
However, we have two small children that are pretty high needs when it comes to their mom
It's important to keep in mind that this break may be something she needs, not just professionally, but mentally as well (even if it turns out to not be financially feasible in the end). She may not feel comfortable expressing this sentiment, given the societal pressure on mothers to be happily omnipresent in their children's lives and have no non-child-related aspirations. For the long-term (since this is unlikely to be a one-time issue), perhaps you should look for a job that has more flexibility with respect to working remotely so that it's more compatible with your wife's career objectives.
The au pair idea is a good one. Consider also any late teens or early 20s nieces or nephews (or cousins or friends' kids) who could be up for staying with you for the summer to watch the kids. In exchange for, e.g., housing and food and use of a car. There also doesn't have to be one singular solution. You could do a month in Iowa (maybe your boss would be ok with the shorter duration? Consider renting out your CA house while in Iowa to offset the cost), a month at home w/ day camp, a month with a family/friend sitter, etc.
posted by melissasaurus at 3:22 PM on January 25, 2016 [13 favorites]
It's important to keep in mind that this break may be something she needs, not just professionally, but mentally as well (even if it turns out to not be financially feasible in the end). She may not feel comfortable expressing this sentiment, given the societal pressure on mothers to be happily omnipresent in their children's lives and have no non-child-related aspirations. For the long-term (since this is unlikely to be a one-time issue), perhaps you should look for a job that has more flexibility with respect to working remotely so that it's more compatible with your wife's career objectives.
The au pair idea is a good one. Consider also any late teens or early 20s nieces or nephews (or cousins or friends' kids) who could be up for staying with you for the summer to watch the kids. In exchange for, e.g., housing and food and use of a car. There also doesn't have to be one singular solution. You could do a month in Iowa (maybe your boss would be ok with the shorter duration? Consider renting out your CA house while in Iowa to offset the cost), a month at home w/ day camp, a month with a family/friend sitter, etc.
posted by melissasaurus at 3:22 PM on January 25, 2016 [13 favorites]
I am disgruntled by the people saying your wife should look for other professional opportunities closer to home or that the children should not be separated from their mother. We very rarely hear this when dads travel for work.
I'd say exactly the same thing about a father who was tooting off for a summer of theatre while the other parent stayed home to earn the living and rear the kids.
The situation is financially a nightmare, it's WAY different if the parent leaving was the breadwinner for the family.
I work in an industry where we work away from home 4 days a week. I see the toll it takes on the parents who leave It takes a dedicated parent at home with the kids and trust me, the parent working is making enough money so that can happen. Additionally, these folks are ON with their kids on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
As I stated above, this doesn't make financial sense for your family and you really do need to project this into the future to come up with something that works for everyone.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:27 PM on January 25, 2016 [10 favorites]
I'd say exactly the same thing about a father who was tooting off for a summer of theatre while the other parent stayed home to earn the living and rear the kids.
The situation is financially a nightmare, it's WAY different if the parent leaving was the breadwinner for the family.
I work in an industry where we work away from home 4 days a week. I see the toll it takes on the parents who leave It takes a dedicated parent at home with the kids and trust me, the parent working is making enough money so that can happen. Additionally, these folks are ON with their kids on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
As I stated above, this doesn't make financial sense for your family and you really do need to project this into the future to come up with something that works for everyone.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:27 PM on January 25, 2016 [10 favorites]
Just to give perspective, people who actively do work in theater and entertainment, who are successful, are frequently away from their families for stretches at a time, or their families move with them. This thread so far is like a primer in how differently people seem to take it when it's a woman.
My brother-in-law is away for stretches of time as he works on a railroad. Yes, their son misses him, and yes, he would like to be home more, but that's the way they can afford to have a family and stay happy and focused on their adult goals and dreams together. I don't know anyone who would call him selfish.
I would look into the possibility of an au pair or a young family member who could use a summer gig like this. Otherwise you and your wife should maybe discuss whether she has other options for success that make your plan more financially feasible. Or whether she can apply for grants for women in the arts that would help with the cost of childcare. Or whether the children can go with her, even, if there is childcare offered through her internship (maybe that's not ideal).
If she wanted to do this indefinitely it wouldn't make sense. But it seems like she's in school or fresh out of school and this is a professional move (potentially to help with the career later), not a frivolous one. Under those circumstances, it may be the best thing for the family in the long term.
But you and your wife should weigh whether this is a short term benefit or a long term benefit, because you don't want to make a mess of your finances for an investment that won't pay off.
posted by easter queen at 3:28 PM on January 25, 2016 [8 favorites]
My brother-in-law is away for stretches of time as he works on a railroad. Yes, their son misses him, and yes, he would like to be home more, but that's the way they can afford to have a family and stay happy and focused on their adult goals and dreams together. I don't know anyone who would call him selfish.
I would look into the possibility of an au pair or a young family member who could use a summer gig like this. Otherwise you and your wife should maybe discuss whether she has other options for success that make your plan more financially feasible. Or whether she can apply for grants for women in the arts that would help with the cost of childcare. Or whether the children can go with her, even, if there is childcare offered through her internship (maybe that's not ideal).
If she wanted to do this indefinitely it wouldn't make sense. But it seems like she's in school or fresh out of school and this is a professional move (potentially to help with the career later), not a frivolous one. Under those circumstances, it may be the best thing for the family in the long term.
But you and your wife should weigh whether this is a short term benefit or a long term benefit, because you don't want to make a mess of your finances for an investment that won't pay off.
posted by easter queen at 3:28 PM on January 25, 2016 [8 favorites]
This is not that uncommon in arts and culture fields, academia, etc. You can make it work!
It sounds like your best option would be to work from Iowa. Since your boss isn't super receptive, try stepping back from all-or-nothing approaches. Can you take some vacation during the time period, to help settle the family in Iowa? Can you then come back for 2 weeks, Iowa for 2 weeks, back for 2 weeks, etc?
Does your workplace offer leave or sabbatical?
If that won't work, a combination of vacation for you and the kids, with mom, midsummer, and a day camp plus an au pair sounds like a workable plan.
Let's not catastrophize this situation. A lot of parents are separated from their kids for extended times, and it's not the end of the world for them or for the parents. Deployment, business travel, academic and interim appointments, second and third jobs, single/separated parenting and many more conditions place one parent in the fulltime caregiver role sometimes. It's something that kids can endure and in fact, when the family is strong, they can see that both they and their parents can have healthy, happy, individual lives while still maintaining family identity. I don't think it helps for people to call arrangements like these, which a lot of people do and a lot of people have to do, "inhumane." There are many ways to figure this out while being good parents.
posted by Miko at 3:31 PM on January 25, 2016 [18 favorites]
It sounds like your best option would be to work from Iowa. Since your boss isn't super receptive, try stepping back from all-or-nothing approaches. Can you take some vacation during the time period, to help settle the family in Iowa? Can you then come back for 2 weeks, Iowa for 2 weeks, back for 2 weeks, etc?
Does your workplace offer leave or sabbatical?
If that won't work, a combination of vacation for you and the kids, with mom, midsummer, and a day camp plus an au pair sounds like a workable plan.
Let's not catastrophize this situation. A lot of parents are separated from their kids for extended times, and it's not the end of the world for them or for the parents. Deployment, business travel, academic and interim appointments, second and third jobs, single/separated parenting and many more conditions place one parent in the fulltime caregiver role sometimes. It's something that kids can endure and in fact, when the family is strong, they can see that both they and their parents can have healthy, happy, individual lives while still maintaining family identity. I don't think it helps for people to call arrangements like these, which a lot of people do and a lot of people have to do, "inhumane." There are many ways to figure this out while being good parents.
posted by Miko at 3:31 PM on January 25, 2016 [18 favorites]
Also, let's not assume "four months" which sounds really long; we don't have the actual dates. For the past several years I've managed a 10-week fellowship program which runs May - late May - to August - early August. It's basically two and a half months. 10 weeks goes by really quickly. Several people who have done that program were parents of small children at the time and made various arrangements.
posted by Miko at 3:35 PM on January 25, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by Miko at 3:35 PM on January 25, 2016 [5 favorites]
You work from home in your actual home and get the extended family in to do child care while you work from home. It lets you have semi supervised by you child care from the family you wouldn't trust to do unsupervised.
posted by Mistress at 3:40 PM on January 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Mistress at 3:40 PM on January 25, 2016 [4 favorites]
You say childcare would be "a serious strain," but not that it would be impossible. And as for the kids missing their mom - of course they will, but it isn't going to cause them permanent psychological damage or anything!
I have to disagree with the people saying this isn't workable, or that it's a frivolous waste of time on your wife's part. It's going to be difficult, but not impossible.
posted by showbiz_liz at 3:41 PM on January 25, 2016 [11 favorites]
I have to disagree with the people saying this isn't workable, or that it's a frivolous waste of time on your wife's part. It's going to be difficult, but not impossible.
posted by showbiz_liz at 3:41 PM on January 25, 2016 [11 favorites]
when I mentioned the possibility to my boss several weeks ago when this first came up, he was loathe to let one of his remote workers be so remote. I don't know that we could afford that either.
Why does the remote work option necessarily have to be Iowa? Wouldn't it make more sense for you to work from home at your HOME, with the kids (and maybe a very part-time babysitter, just to keep everyone occupied while you take calls or do serious focus tasks)? Sounds like your boss would balk far less at that option, and you wouldn't have to find the money for the relocation either.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:48 PM on January 25, 2016 [11 favorites]
Why does the remote work option necessarily have to be Iowa? Wouldn't it make more sense for you to work from home at your HOME, with the kids (and maybe a very part-time babysitter, just to keep everyone occupied while you take calls or do serious focus tasks)? Sounds like your boss would balk far less at that option, and you wouldn't have to find the money for the relocation either.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:48 PM on January 25, 2016 [11 favorites]
I mean I know you have said the kids "struggle" without their mom but at least this lets you keep your finances in better shape. It would be nice if you could specify what the struggling entails--if they just miss her, or if they have serious behavioral issues, or if they aren't adapting well to a different schedule, or what...that affects how you and your wife would address the problem.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:52 PM on January 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:52 PM on January 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
I wish you luck in working this one out but it also brings up a larger issue going forward, that if this is her career, surely working away for extended periods of time is going to be the norm? A one off trip you can maybe handle, but do you have a plan for what your family will do when this happens all the time? For me that would be the greater issue because it appears already that this is not working for your family. I think you and your partner need to have a serious chat about what your future with regards to her career will look like and start brainstorming potential solutions so you can be prepared when it happens.
And yes, other families make it work all the time. The question is, can yours, and more importantly, does everyone want it to?
posted by Jubey at 4:23 PM on January 25, 2016 [5 favorites]
And yes, other families make it work all the time. The question is, can yours, and more importantly, does everyone want it to?
posted by Jubey at 4:23 PM on January 25, 2016 [5 favorites]
I think this depends on the ages of the kids, how demanding your job is, what your space is like for an au pair, and how ok you are solo parenting even with help.
There are solutions; if your wife tragically died you would find a way to raise your kids. That said, in my family either spouse going away for 3-4 months would be a huge deal and if I were not consulted before applications went in, etc., I'd flip out. Yes, many families make things work but that doesn't mean that either my husband or myself is entitled to seize every. opportunity. ever. I was invited into a program that I turned down, because it would have made our lives nuts, my husband has not started the business he would like to because we're not quite there stability wise...and yes, it may mean we both go to our graves without being fully self-actualized. But for us, what we have now, today, are days where we are not in survival mode where we laugh and build a bit of Lego, and then he heads out for training towards his goal and I sneak in 45 min of writing after bedtime. We value that now highly, too.
So.
I think you and your wife really need to figure out whether this is such a big important deal (I have no idea) that it is okay to put you in the survival mode of solo parent for the summer and what you need in terms of childcare. Or, she says no to this one and you now realize your life will be like this forever so you start to work it out.
Hope that helps.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:47 PM on January 25, 2016 [6 favorites]
There are solutions; if your wife tragically died you would find a way to raise your kids. That said, in my family either spouse going away for 3-4 months would be a huge deal and if I were not consulted before applications went in, etc., I'd flip out. Yes, many families make things work but that doesn't mean that either my husband or myself is entitled to seize every. opportunity. ever. I was invited into a program that I turned down, because it would have made our lives nuts, my husband has not started the business he would like to because we're not quite there stability wise...and yes, it may mean we both go to our graves without being fully self-actualized. But for us, what we have now, today, are days where we are not in survival mode where we laugh and build a bit of Lego, and then he heads out for training towards his goal and I sneak in 45 min of writing after bedtime. We value that now highly, too.
So.
I think you and your wife really need to figure out whether this is such a big important deal (I have no idea) that it is okay to put you in the survival mode of solo parent for the summer and what you need in terms of childcare. Or, she says no to this one and you now realize your life will be like this forever so you start to work it out.
Hope that helps.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:47 PM on January 25, 2016 [6 favorites]
In your list of resources you excluded parents due to their behaviour, but I wonder if they can contribute another way? If her perhaps paid for accommodations and your parents dropped off dinner several times a week that would be money/time freed up to devote to your kids/your own needs.
posted by saucysault at 5:00 PM on January 25, 2016
posted by saucysault at 5:00 PM on January 25, 2016
And yeah, I endured four months of my husband being hospitalized several hours away while working full-time with three preschoolers. So, yes, it sucks but it is doable short-term if you can collect resources.
posted by saucysault at 5:03 PM on January 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by saucysault at 5:03 PM on January 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
Take out an additional school loan to cover full time child care.
Done.
posted by jbenben at 6:52 PM on January 25, 2016 [6 favorites]
Done.
posted by jbenben at 6:52 PM on January 25, 2016 [6 favorites]
If you're in a place like San Francisco where housing is in high demand, could you offer a room to a temporary nanny as part of their compensation? If it's someone just moving to the area, free housing could be a huge incentive to work for you. (You should pay them on top of this, but could definitely consider the value of the room as part of the pay...).
posted by three_red_balloons at 7:43 PM on January 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by three_red_balloons at 7:43 PM on January 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
My dad travelled a ton while I was a small kid and my mom ran her own business with multiple employees. I was always the last one picked up at daycare and I remember a few times where I cried a bit thinking about my dad being gone, and I still have a few travel gifts that he gave me from his work trips (which in retrospect were almost certainly purchased at airports) which became very sentimental symbols of my father while he was away.
Anyway, I was a happy, ebullient child and I look back on those years fondly. I love both of my parents dearly and think they made the right choice to teach me about balancing family and career, even though I know (now) how difficult it must have been for them. I had successful, driven parental role models, and their financial savvy meant that I graduated from college with no debt thanks to their kind and hard-earned tuition gifts.
If I were in their (your) shoes, I would primarily be pissed at my spouse for leaving me solo with extra work, and not worried about how my kids would handle it their parent being temporarily absent. This is a real concern. I love kids deeply, but they will be fine with only one parent as long as that parent can be supportive and loving. The question is: will you be fine being a single parent?
posted by samthemander at 8:50 PM on January 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
Anyway, I was a happy, ebullient child and I look back on those years fondly. I love both of my parents dearly and think they made the right choice to teach me about balancing family and career, even though I know (now) how difficult it must have been for them. I had successful, driven parental role models, and their financial savvy meant that I graduated from college with no debt thanks to their kind and hard-earned tuition gifts.
If I were in their (your) shoes, I would primarily be pissed at my spouse for leaving me solo with extra work, and not worried about how my kids would handle it their parent being temporarily absent. This is a real concern. I love kids deeply, but they will be fine with only one parent as long as that parent can be supportive and loving. The question is: will you be fine being a single parent?
posted by samthemander at 8:50 PM on January 25, 2016 [1 favorite]
If this is the program I think it is, housing in Iowa will be relatively cheap and widely available during the time in question. Have mom go, visit when the kids are out of school for as long as you can negotiate. You should be able to get an au pair in the community in question (again, if my assumption is correct). Maybe your boss will be more accommodating if he knows you won't be engaged in solo child care the entire time.
If you have a reliable car you can drive out, see some sights, and have wheels in Iowa. Depending on where you live in California, you may be able to rent your house and offset costs.
This could be an adventure for everyone...
posted by the christopher hundreds at 8:55 PM on January 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
If you have a reliable car you can drive out, see some sights, and have wheels in Iowa. Depending on where you live in California, you may be able to rent your house and offset costs.
This could be an adventure for everyone...
posted by the christopher hundreds at 8:55 PM on January 25, 2016 [2 favorites]
Mod note: A few comments deleted. Folks, the point about "she shouldn't go" has been made. Please focus on constructive suggestions for how they can make it work if she does go.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 9:30 PM on January 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 9:30 PM on January 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
It's very doable and would be a fantastic opportunity for you to grow as father and a human.
Focus on the practicalities (childcare, working arrangements) and also shift your perspective to your new role as the primary caregiver to your children.
Working from home whilst looking after kids is very difficult but easier and cheaper than extended daycare. Be careful to make sure the kids are the primary focus and if you have to blow off a couple of meetings because of kid stuff then so be it (don't say because of the kids, people hate that shit from a man for some reason). Make sure they can interrupt you or if they cannot make sure another adult is present. An au pair would be a great idea.
This is a chance for you to be such an important part of your kids lives that it will change your life. I promise you that lying on your deathbed you will not be thinking "damn, I sure as shit wished I'd taken that conference call in 2016"
posted by fullerine at 1:28 AM on January 26, 2016 [3 favorites]
Focus on the practicalities (childcare, working arrangements) and also shift your perspective to your new role as the primary caregiver to your children.
Working from home whilst looking after kids is very difficult but easier and cheaper than extended daycare. Be careful to make sure the kids are the primary focus and if you have to blow off a couple of meetings because of kid stuff then so be it (don't say because of the kids, people hate that shit from a man for some reason). Make sure they can interrupt you or if they cannot make sure another adult is present. An au pair would be a great idea.
This is a chance for you to be such an important part of your kids lives that it will change your life. I promise you that lying on your deathbed you will not be thinking "damn, I sure as shit wished I'd taken that conference call in 2016"
posted by fullerine at 1:28 AM on January 26, 2016 [3 favorites]
Cost of living (and I would assume childcare, but not sure on that specifically) will be DRAMATICALLY lower in Iowa. If there is ANY way for you to get there for most or all of the time, and maybe sublet your home in NoCal (there are various websites devoted to just this sort of thing - subletting for short-term academics who are going where you are for an internship, perhaps) that could really help the money problem.
posted by nakedmolerats at 6:37 AM on January 26, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by nakedmolerats at 6:37 AM on January 26, 2016 [3 favorites]
Another thought: would your boss either let you a) remote work from Iowa except you will come back for 1-2 weeks mid summer or b) work remotely for 1-2 weeks while you take the kids to see mom mid summer?
Either one might be workable, and with a) you might even still be able to sublet your house, get a cheap Airbnb for those 1-2 weeks, and still come out ahead on money.
posted by nakedmolerats at 6:48 AM on January 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
Either one might be workable, and with a) you might even still be able to sublet your house, get a cheap Airbnb for those 1-2 weeks, and still come out ahead on money.
posted by nakedmolerats at 6:48 AM on January 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
Is your wife's program so demanding that she can't take the kids with her? Childcare might be cheaper in Iowa than it is in California. This way you might also be able to shorten the amount of time you work remotely out there.
posted by rhythm and booze at 8:25 AM on January 26, 2016
posted by rhythm and booze at 8:25 AM on January 26, 2016
You've had a lot of suggestions for things to do for this coming summer. But it sounds as if you wife's chosen academic and career path will require a fair degree of flexibility in your arrangements regarding childcare and family work for years to come. So you may want to assess how the two of you are going to approach this in general and how you can put structures in place that maximise your flexibility here in the longer term.
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:40 AM on January 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:40 AM on January 26, 2016 [1 favorite]
Is your wife's program so demanding that she can't take the kids with her?
Since it's in theatrical production, I suspect the hardest part of that is that the hours in which childcare is needed will fall mostly in the evening. That's harder to get, but not impossible, especially in a university town.
posted by Miko at 10:07 AM on January 26, 2016
Since it's in theatrical production, I suspect the hardest part of that is that the hours in which childcare is needed will fall mostly in the evening. That's harder to get, but not impossible, especially in a university town.
posted by Miko at 10:07 AM on January 26, 2016
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Why is this necessary for her success? If it is, what if she couldn't do it? Would that mean that it's he only path to her success? Does that seem right? What it is, is very convenient and a good opportunity. It's not the ONLY opportunity. Sometimes you have to make a sacrifice. This is one of those times.
Your wife has picked a career that makes it VERY difficult to raise a family in addition to pursuing it. (acting? directing?) I guess the question is what was the expectation at the outset for this to work? We know that you and the kids gave up a month last year to this, will that be the expectation EVERY summer? Will it be the expectation every project/show?
I think you both need to sit down and discuss how you see this working going forward. She won't always be in school and if her career means that she leaves the family for months at a time, how tenable will that be?
Small children aren't small forever. She will be missing a HUGE portion of their lives being away for a four month stretch and she's asking an AWFUL lot from you and the other members of your family.
Unless you can find someone to come in for 4 months for free to help out...I don't see this being workable.
Sorry.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:12 PM on January 25, 2016 [25 favorites]