What can I do for my friend whose father just passed away?

January 22, 2016 9:45 AM

My best friend's dad just died last night. Fortunately, he flew in from NY to TX to be able to be by his side at the time of his death. He and his family are Chinese. What can I do from afar (I am in DC) to help / support him, and also to offer condolences in a more formal way? Send flowers? Food?

He is my best friend and I am very upset for what he is going through. It is hard to be supportive from afar except through text messages saying "I am so sorry and I am here for you." Specifically, what kinds of customs in Chinese culture can I respectfully follow to offer condolences from afar? I am tempted to send flowers but I do not know if that is intrusive or anything.

posted by bengalibelle to Human Relations (13 answers total)

Text messages saying "I'm sorry and I am here for you" are the things I remember most from when my father passed away (exactly a year ago yesterday). My best friend texted me every couple of hours and said early on that I didn't need to respond. So having someone text me to say that they were thinking of me and loved me throughout the day without me having to stop and respond made me feel so much better.

Another thing was that so many people sent cards and it really touched me to read each one. Now I know why people do that. It would be very nice for you to send them to your friend's other family members as well. I appreciated most the cards that my friends sent to my mom.
posted by dawkins_7 at 9:57 AM on January 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

Best answer: If you're not Chinese I wouldn't worry too much about being appropriately Chinese; doing American-type considerate things will be interpreted as American-type consideration and people will appreciate the gesture. Sending food for the family would be good (fresh fruit bouquet or basket thingie maybe, everyone likes refreshing fruit). Maybe also send your friend something nice just for him (care package with a magazine, DVD to binge-watch, candy, etc). If you send him something, the one specifically Chinese thing I would suggest is also sending something for the family to share, that would go over well.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 10:12 AM on January 22, 2016 [5 favorites]

I don't know about Chinese customs, but my dad passed away four months ago.

I really appreciated texts and emails checking in on me (particularly when it was explicitly stated that there was no expectation that I respond). Like dawkins_7, I was so so grateful to my friends who sent cards to my mom.

When a friend's parent passed, I offered to let our mutual friends know. She was relieved to have someone else take on the on the task of informing friends and passing on funeral & donation information.

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss.
posted by avocado_of_merriment at 10:30 AM on January 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

Best answer: When my dad passed away, most of my friends were in their early 20's and they were...not great, I think from lack of experience with death. Just keep in touch and don't make him responsible for your feelings. If you need to process how sad you are for him, don't process it with him. That may sound obvious but people tend to say things like "I can't imagine" or "I don't know what to say" and that puts the burden on the grieving party to assure you that you're doing a good job comforting them.

Just accept that no one knows how to ease the pain of losing a parent and let him know you're okay with the fact that you can't help. I think trying to do anything specific to Chinese Americans may fall in line with putting the burden on them to acknowledge your thoughtfulness. Your heart is in the right place, but all your friend needs is to know he has a safe person to express sorrow to without feeling like you can't handle that sorrow. I really wish my friends had done this and I'm really glad that you can offer this to your best friend.
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 10:38 AM on January 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

I'd send a text to ask if there's anything you can do for him at home while he's out of town. Bring in the mail, make sure nothing is decomposing in the fridge, making sure that same fridge has nice fresh things in it when he gets back in town.

I find taking care of the mundane so that people can mourn is the best gift.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:47 AM on January 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

When my mother died a few years ago, one of my friends did something that still nearly brings me to tears when I think about it-- we were in steady contact while I was out of town for hospice/funeral arrangements, so she knew when I was coming home.

When I came home, I found out that she had already arranged for people to bring me food every day for a full week, so that I didn't have to worry about shopping or cooking. She said that if I didn't feel up to socializing when people dropped food off, that was fine-- they all knew to knock on the door and just leave food on my porch if I wanted to be alone. She also offered to act as a go-between herself, if that would be better.

I felt so incredibly loved and cared for-- I'll never forget it. Also, some of the people who brought food were people who I wouldn't have thought of as very close friends, but they volunteered to do it while I was hurting, and it was so amazing to know that even people I didn't know that well wanted to reach out at a hard time.

Also, anything administrative-- I missed a rent payment with my landlord, but my housemate silently intervened on my behalf (I found out about it later) so that I could pay it later. People were checking to make sure my lawn was mowed. All the daily life details had people checking on them, on my behalf, in a way that I could never have predicted.

Oh, and I barely knew anything about the funeral arrangements myself, but a group of my friends also took up a collection and sent a flower arrangement to the service. They were all grad students, so I knew how much even a little donation meant, and I was incredibly touched that they did the legwork to find out the address of the church, time of the service, local florist, etc., all without ever asking me to get myself together and send the info.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 10:49 AM on January 22, 2016 [5 favorites]

My best friend, whose mom died recently, is also Chinese, and she didn't expect me to try to navigate Chinese customs or anything. China is pretty big and diverse, too, so while there are traditions, they're not universal.

But this is your best friend. Just say and do the things that you know he would want you to. Text him, call him if he wants to talk, ask him what you can do, and just be there.

I don't think the family would be offended by flowers or a fruit basket or something like that, but you could ask him first if you want to send something.
posted by ernielundquist at 10:53 AM on January 22, 2016

Chinese here and when my grandfather passed away 4 years ago, my uncles and aunts (Chinese Folk Buddhism family) really appreciated any flowers and fruit baskets sent by friends and colleagues. An edible arrangement would definitely be appreciated or something of that nature. I don't think you can do any wrong here, pseudostrabismus explains exactly why.
posted by driedmango at 11:08 AM on January 22, 2016

Response by poster: Thank you all for your thoughts and ideas. I am so sorry for those of you who have experienced the loss of your parent. I too lost my mother, and I understand how nothing prepares you for that (and that everyone responds differently), so I want to try to be there however I can. But @thethornbusheshaveroses (great handle BTW!), you are right that I should give him the space to grieve and reserve my feelings and any need for acknowledgment of them for myself.

I did send a fruit basket on behalf of my family but with no expectation of gratitude or anything of the sort. Thanks everyone!
posted by bengalibelle at 11:58 AM on January 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

I had forgotten to note that I think sending flowers/a gift basket was a fantastic idea. Any gesture that "you are in my thoughts" is so welcome at that time (as I'm sure you know, since you've experienced the loss of a parent), and I know my mom was really glad to have people reminding her that they knew and loved my dad, too, even if they were strangers to her.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss, too. Your friend is lucky to have you!
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 12:18 PM on January 22, 2016

Right now, the family and community has all gathered for end of life ceremonies. Your friend is probably busy and distracted and feeling a lot of love and support. When he comes back, most of those people will drift back to their own lives and routines and he may end up feeling very alone and forgotten while he's still grieving. You can send a card or arrangement now, but I think what would be most valuable is for you to invite your friend out for dinners or movies or whatever regularly (don't just say, "I'm here", make concrete plans and proposals). Check-in with them frequently as the months go by to see how they're managing their grief. Pay attention to birthdays and the death anniversary and let your friend know you're thinking of them at those times when the grief can really well-up again. He probably feels quite supported now, but if his experience is typical, most of the people in his life will move on and he may end up feeling abandoned once it's been a month or three since the passing. That's your time to shine as a friend.
posted by quince at 2:10 PM on January 22, 2016 [3 favorites]

If you knew and have any special memories of his father, even little ones, share them with him in writing (email or card). I was surprised how touched I was by these comments from childhood or college friends when my father passed away.
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 4:50 PM on January 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

A personal card means a lot. By personal, I mean don't just sign your name to a sympathy card. Write a few lines - they don't have to be spectacular. Just saying that you know that it's hard and you're here for your friend means a lot. I agree with 2 cats that if you know his father and can share memories, that would be great. If you didn't know his father and your friend has shared anything about him with you, that would be wonderful too ("I remember how you said your father was so supportive when you were having trouble at school"). I also agree with what quince said. Probably the hardest thing for me was when people didn't understand why I just wasn't over a death a short time afterwards. (I was literally asked by two different people if I was "pretty much over" my brother's death six weeks after he died.)
posted by FencingGal at 7:13 PM on January 22, 2016