How do I end two relationships in a positive note?
January 21, 2016 11:29 AM Subscribe
Need help in ending two relationships in a way that is not too hurtful for any of those involved.
I have been separated from my partner which I will call John for a year now (we were married for 7 years) due to some serious issues. In the meantime, we remained friendly and sort of avoiding to deal with the divorce which needed (and still needs) to be done.
In the meantime I met a person which I will call Tom and we have been dating for six months now. I have really enjoyed certain things with him (amazing sex being one of them) but there are some things I am not comfortable about him (like his need to be constantly together and ruling out anything like time away with friends and so on. his lack of friends. his need to be constantly with his mum. the fact he hasn't left home yet even though he is 35. the fact he is not sorted out financially and living precariously off his various startup ventures. the fact he seems comfortable with the fact that i will pay for everything and that seems to have become a pattern). It is worth mentioning that I have been obviously unable to give him my 100% due to the fact that I am still married after all and have a divorce to deal with.
Lately Tom has been asking for more commitment and for me to be more present in his life, which I just can't do at the moment. He says he loves me, but that I am unable to "give as much" as he does. I have mentioned the issues I outlined above to him and explained why they were a problem to me, and I guess he needs time to work on them and we might be able to make it work, but just not now. I kind of see a glimpse of a future with Tom, but I don't think he would agree to a break and see if it would work down the line. But I just desperately need time alone and I do admit entirely that it was a mistake to get into a relationship in the first place.
On the other hand John seems oblivious to the fact that while he has worked on improving himself he has not tried to win my heart again. I know he has seen various other people while we have been apart too (which is totally acceptable of course). As for myself, I am also really unsure if I would have in me the feelings needed to rekindle a marriage (like physical attraction for starters, which has been obviously compromised by the fact I have been seeing someone else). I also feel deeply hurt that the things I have repeatedly said were a problem only started to be taken seriously once I left and that I cannot reverse. I just need to be able to explain why it won't work anymore but in a way that is respectful, considerate and, as much as possible, less hurtful to him.
However I do feel it is time for me to end both of these relationships the best way I can and tell these two people I want to be on my own and despite loving them both dearly, there are things I just cannot cope with. And, as a person who has always been in and out of relationships, I need time alone even if it hurts, manage to live my life fully instead of never paying attention to my own feelings and needs. How can I untangle this situation I have created for myself? Thanks so much for reading my question. Throwaway email: untanglingtworelationships@gmail.com
I have been separated from my partner which I will call John for a year now (we were married for 7 years) due to some serious issues. In the meantime, we remained friendly and sort of avoiding to deal with the divorce which needed (and still needs) to be done.
In the meantime I met a person which I will call Tom and we have been dating for six months now. I have really enjoyed certain things with him (amazing sex being one of them) but there are some things I am not comfortable about him (like his need to be constantly together and ruling out anything like time away with friends and so on. his lack of friends. his need to be constantly with his mum. the fact he hasn't left home yet even though he is 35. the fact he is not sorted out financially and living precariously off his various startup ventures. the fact he seems comfortable with the fact that i will pay for everything and that seems to have become a pattern). It is worth mentioning that I have been obviously unable to give him my 100% due to the fact that I am still married after all and have a divorce to deal with.
Lately Tom has been asking for more commitment and for me to be more present in his life, which I just can't do at the moment. He says he loves me, but that I am unable to "give as much" as he does. I have mentioned the issues I outlined above to him and explained why they were a problem to me, and I guess he needs time to work on them and we might be able to make it work, but just not now. I kind of see a glimpse of a future with Tom, but I don't think he would agree to a break and see if it would work down the line. But I just desperately need time alone and I do admit entirely that it was a mistake to get into a relationship in the first place.
On the other hand John seems oblivious to the fact that while he has worked on improving himself he has not tried to win my heart again. I know he has seen various other people while we have been apart too (which is totally acceptable of course). As for myself, I am also really unsure if I would have in me the feelings needed to rekindle a marriage (like physical attraction for starters, which has been obviously compromised by the fact I have been seeing someone else). I also feel deeply hurt that the things I have repeatedly said were a problem only started to be taken seriously once I left and that I cannot reverse. I just need to be able to explain why it won't work anymore but in a way that is respectful, considerate and, as much as possible, less hurtful to him.
However I do feel it is time for me to end both of these relationships the best way I can and tell these two people I want to be on my own and despite loving them both dearly, there are things I just cannot cope with. And, as a person who has always been in and out of relationships, I need time alone even if it hurts, manage to live my life fully instead of never paying attention to my own feelings and needs. How can I untangle this situation I have created for myself? Thanks so much for reading my question. Throwaway email: untanglingtworelationships@gmail.com
One of the best things I ever did for myself was to take a 12+ month break from dating and relationships to focus on my own needs. This was after the breakup of a long marriage. You can't control how hurt either of these individuals will be. You can make it worse, however, by being inconsistent, dragging out the process, explaining things, or changing your mind midway. So be clear about what you want, and if it's to finally end your marriage officially and also to break up cleanly with a man who clearly isn't good partner material at the moment. So figure out what you need to do to get a divorce, let your husband know that the two of you should proceed, and be friendly but distant while the two of you shift from being married to divorced.
As for Tom, consider telling him that you love him and wish you had met him at a different time. But you just aren't ready for a new relationship and you are sorry that you didn't understand that before the two of you met. Stick to that story and don't change it. Hurt and/or angry people who are getting dumped often demand explanations because they want to convince you to change your mind. You don't owe anyone an explanation. You get to decide, unilaterally, to break up. Do it kindly but don't engage. Then go no contact because that's the best way of getting over a breakup. I learned that the hard way. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 11:41 AM on January 21, 2016 [4 favorites]
As for Tom, consider telling him that you love him and wish you had met him at a different time. But you just aren't ready for a new relationship and you are sorry that you didn't understand that before the two of you met. Stick to that story and don't change it. Hurt and/or angry people who are getting dumped often demand explanations because they want to convince you to change your mind. You don't owe anyone an explanation. You get to decide, unilaterally, to break up. Do it kindly but don't engage. Then go no contact because that's the best way of getting over a breakup. I learned that the hard way. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 11:41 AM on January 21, 2016 [4 favorites]
Also, there is nothing you can say or do in order to control the emotions of the other person in the relationship, no magic words, no "right way" to do it. You just need to focus on, and then do, what is right for you. It will be okay.
posted by erst at 11:41 AM on January 21, 2016 [12 favorites]
posted by erst at 11:41 AM on January 21, 2016 [12 favorites]
On preview, what erst said.
posted by Bella Donna at 11:41 AM on January 21, 2016
posted by Bella Donna at 11:41 AM on January 21, 2016
I would end it with Tom first. That's new-ish and you're not deeply enmeshed, plus you've already talked about it. The famous Miko breakup script may be helpful for framing. I wouldn't introduce the idea that "maybe somewhere down the line" you'd be interested. Just end it.
Then with John, consult with a lawyer first, then sit down with him and tell him the separation has made it clear to you it's time to make a full break. In neither case do you need to explain yourself. There isn't another person, you just have realized that what you want isn't available in this relationship, and you're choosing to be on your own instead of holding on to something that isn't working.
Congratulations on the insight you've found about yourself. Enjoy getting to know you.
posted by headnsouth at 11:43 AM on January 21, 2016 [3 favorites]
Then with John, consult with a lawyer first, then sit down with him and tell him the separation has made it clear to you it's time to make a full break. In neither case do you need to explain yourself. There isn't another person, you just have realized that what you want isn't available in this relationship, and you're choosing to be on your own instead of holding on to something that isn't working.
Congratulations on the insight you've found about yourself. Enjoy getting to know you.
posted by headnsouth at 11:43 AM on January 21, 2016 [3 favorites]
You have clearly already spent way more effort looking out for their feelings than they have spent looking out for yours. You tried, and that is good of you, but you don't have to try anymore. You can simply tell them how you feel, that you are done with the relationships, and then you can move on. They are adults that are going to have to take care of their own damn selves for a change, their feelings are not your problem anymore. I totally understand the motivation to not want to hurt anyone's feelings, (I do it myself, as do a lot of women) but at some point you have to give your own feelings equal weight and importance. You have tried to make things work, but now you are getting hurt, so it's ok to stop trying.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:30 PM on January 21, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:30 PM on January 21, 2016 [3 favorites]
You break up with your boyfriend. Miko's script is excellent. But really all you need to say is, "you've asked for a commitment and I've done some soul searching and I'm not ready for that. It's best for me for us to make a clean break of it." That's it. No need to give him a laundry list of self-improvement. He's 35, he's not changing anything. This isn't the right relationship for you, full stop.
As for your husband, you should probably get together with the intention to tell him it's time to get the divorce, talk about what you both want, division of property and prepare him for the fact that you're taking the steps to file. Depending on your jurisdiction, obtain a lawyer and take the legal steps to do what it takes to divorce. Then take them.
Don't anticipate loneliness and pain in being alone. Anticipate fulfillment and learning what pleases you, even in the smallest details of your life. You'll keep house to your standards and no one else's. You'll not have to deal with other people in your space. You get to do what you want, when you want and you needn't consult anyone.
Good luck to you. Going it alone for a while is the breath of fresh air you need!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:50 PM on January 21, 2016
As for your husband, you should probably get together with the intention to tell him it's time to get the divorce, talk about what you both want, division of property and prepare him for the fact that you're taking the steps to file. Depending on your jurisdiction, obtain a lawyer and take the legal steps to do what it takes to divorce. Then take them.
Don't anticipate loneliness and pain in being alone. Anticipate fulfillment and learning what pleases you, even in the smallest details of your life. You'll keep house to your standards and no one else's. You'll not have to deal with other people in your space. You get to do what you want, when you want and you needn't consult anyone.
Good luck to you. Going it alone for a while is the breath of fresh air you need!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:50 PM on January 21, 2016
There is nothing you can do to avoid hurting the guys in this situation other than becoming a robot woman who responds exactly how they would prefer in every situation. Which obviously you cannot and would not want to do! So focus on doing this as kindly as possible, but with the realization that it is going to hurt them - that's just unavoidable.
posted by rainbowbrite at 1:08 PM on January 21, 2016
posted by rainbowbrite at 1:08 PM on January 21, 2016
The comments seem to say what needs saying. I would simply ask why you seem so reluctant to divorce but go on seeing others or at least this one person?
posted by Postroad at 1:23 PM on January 21, 2016
posted by Postroad at 1:23 PM on January 21, 2016
I recommend that you not tell someone that you need to be alone for a while, or that timing is wrong -- or that if he makes changes in his life there might be a chance for the two of you. They might take any of those to mean that they could win you back, and according to what you've said, that's not what you want.
With John, I agree that you should see a lawyer first and then say that the separation has helped you see that it's time to end the relationship. With Tom, you can say just that the relationship isn't right for you. You've already talked with him about serious issues, so he probably won't be surprised.
Don't feel the need to protect either man from pain. Just tell them in a way that you, yourself, would prefer to be told.
posted by wryly at 2:15 PM on January 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
With John, I agree that you should see a lawyer first and then say that the separation has helped you see that it's time to end the relationship. With Tom, you can say just that the relationship isn't right for you. You've already talked with him about serious issues, so he probably won't be surprised.
Don't feel the need to protect either man from pain. Just tell them in a way that you, yourself, would prefer to be told.
posted by wryly at 2:15 PM on January 21, 2016 [1 favorite]
Unfortunately ending/downscaling relationships tends to hurt feelings. There's nothing you can do about that. Put your own air mask on. Be direct with them and close the doors that need to be closed - don't hold on to the "maybe someday he will change these key things about him and it'll work out" because look relationships where you're waiting for the person to become someone else suck for everyone involved.
You're dealing with the same problem 2x here (reluctance to end relationship) so maybe ask yourself why it is that you want to keep these guys hanging around despite them not being good matches for you and your stated desire to be single. If you can get to the root of that, it might help you untangle the mess. Also, if you're light on emotional support in your support network this is a gentle reminder that therapy can help fill that gap.
posted by buteo at 2:28 PM on January 21, 2016
You're dealing with the same problem 2x here (reluctance to end relationship) so maybe ask yourself why it is that you want to keep these guys hanging around despite them not being good matches for you and your stated desire to be single. If you can get to the root of that, it might help you untangle the mess. Also, if you're light on emotional support in your support network this is a gentle reminder that therapy can help fill that gap.
posted by buteo at 2:28 PM on January 21, 2016
I went through this situation several times in the early stages of my post-marital life. I fell into the 'bad timing' 'I'm just not ready' 'it's not you, it's me' route of extricating myself because I was still labouring under the impression that you can't simply end a relationship saying what you do/don't want. You have to make excuses and manage the other person's emotional responses to not getting what they want.
*You* can want what you want and be truthful about it in a firm and gentle way. I tried to say self-related inarguable things to extricate-ees, like 'I can't see us being partners.' I always got asked 'why not???' and it's really hard (maybe as a woman) to stick to saying what *you* want in the face of letting someone else down. It takes guts to persevere and repeat the true thing about the situation: 'I can't see us being partners.' You've already outlined to him why so you can ask him to consider conversations you've already had, or reflect on his own feelings about the partnership potential. It's always remarkable to me that every guy who didn't want to be broken up with thought the strongest argument for staying together is that *he really cared/loved me* not that he was a good partner for me. To that I would say 'I care about you too but I can't see us being partners' rinse repeat.
The same aspect informs your marital extrication. You care about him, have worked hard at the marriage and you can't see yourself being partners. This requires overseeing by a lawyer.
posted by honey-barbara at 3:15 PM on January 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
*You* can want what you want and be truthful about it in a firm and gentle way. I tried to say self-related inarguable things to extricate-ees, like 'I can't see us being partners.' I always got asked 'why not???' and it's really hard (maybe as a woman) to stick to saying what *you* want in the face of letting someone else down. It takes guts to persevere and repeat the true thing about the situation: 'I can't see us being partners.' You've already outlined to him why so you can ask him to consider conversations you've already had, or reflect on his own feelings about the partnership potential. It's always remarkable to me that every guy who didn't want to be broken up with thought the strongest argument for staying together is that *he really cared/loved me* not that he was a good partner for me. To that I would say 'I care about you too but I can't see us being partners' rinse repeat.
The same aspect informs your marital extrication. You care about him, have worked hard at the marriage and you can't see yourself being partners. This requires overseeing by a lawyer.
posted by honey-barbara at 3:15 PM on January 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
I also feel deeply hurt that the things I have repeatedly said were a problem only started to be taken seriously once I left and that I cannot reverse.
I have seen this so many times. To the point where I think it's just a piece of human behavior. I've been on both sides of it. Joni sang of it:
Don't it always seem to go
that we don't know what we've got 'til it's gone
posted by dancestoblue at 7:49 PM on January 21, 2016
I have seen this so many times. To the point where I think it's just a piece of human behavior. I've been on both sides of it. Joni sang of it:
Don't it always seem to go
that we don't know what we've got 'til it's gone
posted by dancestoblue at 7:49 PM on January 21, 2016
I'm just so annoyed on your behalf! At what point did you start believing it was your responsibility to coddle others who show little responsibility towards themselves or you? Why must you talk at length to help these folks cope with the consequences of their own adult choices??
Say as little as possible, be kind and direct, and brief.
You don't owe either one free therapy sessions. That's why you are breaking up and moving on with your life.
posted by jbenben at 11:13 PM on January 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
Say as little as possible, be kind and direct, and brief.
You don't owe either one free therapy sessions. That's why you are breaking up and moving on with your life.
posted by jbenben at 11:13 PM on January 21, 2016 [2 favorites]
John seems oblivious to the fact that while he has worked on improving himself he has not tried to win my heart again
Well, you are separated and you started seeing someone else. The way you talk about John, it sounds like the relationship has been over for a while but you haven't done the paperwork to get officially divorced yet.
It sounds like this relationship has already ended, and what you want to know is how to tell John you'd like to finish the paperwork?
First, talk to a family law attorney about doing an amicable divorce. Find out what needs to be done. Then tell John you are straightening out your paperwork and legal documents and would like to finish the divorce officially.
posted by yohko at 1:42 PM on January 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
Well, you are separated and you started seeing someone else. The way you talk about John, it sounds like the relationship has been over for a while but you haven't done the paperwork to get officially divorced yet.
It sounds like this relationship has already ended, and what you want to know is how to tell John you'd like to finish the paperwork?
First, talk to a family law attorney about doing an amicable divorce. Find out what needs to be done. Then tell John you are straightening out your paperwork and legal documents and would like to finish the divorce officially.
posted by yohko at 1:42 PM on January 22, 2016 [2 favorites]
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I will fall back on the standard AskMeFi recommendation for you to find a therapist who can help you find the strength to say it, and help you find the way to live it.
posted by erst at 11:36 AM on January 21, 2016 [5 favorites]