How forthcoming should I be about my sexual inexperience?

January 19, 2016 9:25 AM

Hard as it may be to believe I have reached the age of 27 without ever having had sex with a woman. Thinking about sex may even be getting too ahead of myself since I've never even kissed a woman before either. I'm not proud of any of this but unfortunately circumstances have led to where I am today.

When I was in school I wasn't allowed to date. My parents came to the US from Pakistan and weren't very fond of American culture, especially not the way boys and girls interact here. Anyway hard as it may be to believe I didn't really argue with them. Though I did sometimes think they went a bit overboard with their beliefs I accepted the fact that I would one day have an arranged marriage.

It wasn't till I was in my early 20's that my beliefs began to change. I wanted to start dating and have sex like everybody else. Unfortunately I was very shy and unfortunately very obese back then. The few times I bucked up the courage to ask a woman out I got turned down.

So that's basically how I reached the position I am in now. I've just started a new job, which happens to be my first job ever. I seem to be slowly getting my life together and I want dating to be part of it.

So how forthcoming should I be about my inexperience? Is this something that I should bring up at some point before "it" happens? Or is it better to bring it up afterwards or maybe even never if it never comes up? Do women my age generally ask about how many women you've been with beforehand or how old you were when you lost your virginity or had your first kiss?

So basically, how forthcoming should I be about this?

posted by Dynamo05 to Human Relations (27 answers total)

Do women my age generally ask about how many women you've been with beforehand or how old you were when you lost your virginity or had your first kiss?

No one except the extremely immature and/or jealous types will ever ask you about this in early dating. Sure, maybe after you've been dating for a while and getting sharey about things it'll probably come up, but if you get asked by someone right off the bat how many women you've slept with it's them that's breaking social convention.

That said, dating sites (not sure if you're using them) like okcupid do have these questions in their Q&A rolodex. You can answer, answer and add a free form explanation, answer privately, or even skip altogether if you choose. That's up to you.

How much and whether or not to tell is really something you kind of have to decide and feel out for yourself. I'm going to be honest, if you don't have much (any) dating or sexual experience and you're going out with someone who does (which is extremely likely given that you'll presumably be dating women close to your own age), unless you're the suavest suave guy who ever suaved a suave, she's going to be able to tell. That's not necessarily a bad thing, just something to keep in mind (i.e. it would be a very bad idea to blatantly lie).

Good luck! Remember that dating can be a whole lot of fun, even with all the complicated human interactions and rejection that's rolled into it, and good for you for deciding to put yourself out there. If you get turned down for a date, don't let it get you down. Think of it as part of the screening process--you wouldn't want to date someone who rejects you without getting to know you anyway, right? Right! Just keep at it.

BTW, if you have more experienced friends you can trust with personal stuff, bounce your dating questions off of them. It can be really helpful to get perspectives from people who know you better than us anonymous schmos on the internet.
posted by phunniemee at 9:37 AM on January 19, 2016 [9 favorites]

Obviously I don't speak for all women, but this wouldn't bother me personally. I'm 30 if that helps. I personally would like it if you told me first, anyone who is worth your time will be understanding.
posted by shesbenevolent at 9:43 AM on January 19, 2016 [6 favorites]

It doesn't matter.

If you trust the person with your heart, and if the person is kind and thoughtful, you will work it out. It will be fine. She may be surprised, she may be delighted, she may be worried, she may have all kinds of reactions, but they will be, as all emotional reactions, momentary. Then there are many years of afterward.
posted by amtho at 9:47 AM on January 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

As a data point, I'm about your age, and it wouldn't bother me at all.

Someone might ask, but that doesn't mean they really care all that much. Definitely don't lie about it-- that's the thing that would really put me off.
posted by easter queen at 9:47 AM on January 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

Nthing nobody cares. At least nobody you'd likely want to continue dating.

There is nothing wrong with you.

Let the subject come up organically, like any other subject. Whenever it does, explain your position. It may a little awkward, but so are many personal topics!
posted by zennie at 9:55 AM on January 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

It's totally up to you, and it's OK to just kind of see where your conversations about sex and intimacy go, and bring it up if it seems relevant or don't. I would just say that I think it it may be beneficial for your partner to know ahead of time, if only so that they can properly set their expectations.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:56 AM on January 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

I wouldn't volunteer this information, but don't lie about it if it comes up. I don't think inexperience is a dealbreaker, but dishonesty is.

Good luck, and good on you for taking steps in the direction you want your life to go!
posted by Fig at 10:07 AM on January 19, 2016 [3 favorites]

If you read back through ask metafilter, you'll find that you're Very not alone. I remember reading many mefites telling their own personal stories about being sexually inexperienced at older ages (myself included). If you're getting to know someone well enough to like them on a personal level, they will almost certainly be understanding. I personally wish I'd said something sooner so that my partner could know why I was awkward, but it still worked out just fine. First times are often awkward with each new person anyway, so embrace the awkward and have the conversation if you can; it'll help you build intimacy.

If someone IS less than understanding, know that that is much more about them than it is about you and your experience. You are fine just the way you are.
posted by ldthomps at 10:08 AM on January 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

To follow up: people who talk about this kind of thing as though it's wrong or bad always seem weird to me.

I get that an inexperienced person might feel nervous, but that's true of trying any unknown activity for the first time, especially something so personal.

However, I've always found it really strange that anyone would feel judged for something like this.

You've not done anything wrong, you've not neglected a duty, you've not hurt anyone; in fact, you're less likely to have harmed anyone than had you decided to use someone just for experience. You are fine.
posted by amtho at 10:11 AM on January 19, 2016 [7 favorites]

Be kind to yourself about your own experiences and make sure to not frame them negatively or with shame. You have had an interesting journey, and it is not "hard to believe". Your story is just what makes you a fascinating and individual person, and when you become close to a woman, sharing your feelings and experiences will help the intimacy grow between you. In a relationship context, details like this will bring you closer together.
posted by cakebatter at 11:05 AM on January 19, 2016 [17 favorites]

And for your data points, I'm 30, and haven't had the "numbers" question asked since I was in high school, or ever asked it. Getting to know the person and just.. talking and telling stories the way you would to a close friend is normally how it goes. I'm much more interesting in knowing whether they have been recently tested for an STD and how they want to handle birth control : ). You'll be fine.
posted by cakebatter at 11:09 AM on January 19, 2016

You don't need to bring it up in advance. It's rare that people will ask about number of sex partners, but past relationship experience does often come up in my experience. I would be slightly wary of someone who'd never had a girlfriend before, but not enough to make it a dealbreaker.

Once you're in bed with someone I recommend admitting your inexperience. Correctly or not, experience is generally assumed of someone your age, and it's very unlikely you'll manage to fake it. I've been with inexperienced people who haven't told me, and they have come off as very weird/ inconsiderate/ incompetent. If I'd realized what the real issue was, it would've been a lot less frustrating on both ends because I would've given direction that a more experienced partner may have found condescending.
posted by metasarah at 11:18 AM on January 19, 2016 [4 favorites]

No one is going to ask you right off the bat how many people you've had sex with. No one has asked me this in years, though I'm a bit older than you and married. My husband and I had been together for years, I think, before we talked about it. And when we did, it was in the context of something else entirely. The actual number was not important to either of us.
Probably the most important thing for you, at this point, is just to put yourself out there. Go on dates. Kiss women. And don't worry about never having done it before. There's no right or wrong way to kiss someone. Some people like lots of tongue, some people a little tongue, some not at all. Hard lips, soft lips -- there are all sorts of preferences. So likely any woman you're with will attribute any oddities in your technique to a difference in style rather than inexperience.
When it comes to actually having sex, I'd let your partner know that this is your first time. It will help a lot. And any lady worth her salt should be understanding and gracious about it. But it's not something you need to bring up until it's clear that sex, or sexual activity, is imminent.
Remember to treat a woman like a person, full of the same thoughts and feelings and anxieties and hangups as you, and you'll be A-OK. Remember that she may be nervous or insecure, just like you are. Just remember: all the stuff going on in your head goes on in hers too. A man who treats and thinks of a woman as a fully developed person is worth his weight in gold, virgin or not.
And just remember to be kind to yourself. Being a virgin is OK. YOU are OK. There is nothing wrong with you.
Good luck!
posted by megalodon at 11:23 AM on January 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

It is by no means something to be ashamed of or feel embarrassed about. You have absolutely no obligation to tell anyone ahead of time. You can answer any questions about it with pride and know that, as many others have said, someone who likes you for who you are won't find anything wrong with your history. People are attracted to other people like crazy who love, appreciate, and aren't afraid to be themselves.
posted by incolorinred at 11:31 AM on January 19, 2016

I had sex for the first time rather later than most and I brought it up at naked time. I wanted to be sure that she knew that any incompetence or performance anxiety was due to inexperience and that I could be taught, but I also didn't see the need to bring it up until we had well established that we liked each other and wanted things to move in that direction. Waiting until my pants were off was sort of leaving it until the very last second, but it all worked out (I should also point out that the first couple of times were not a great success. I learned).

All people are different. You are going to have to figure out what your partner likes (if you are lucky, she'll tell you. That doesn't always happen). This will take some time even if you are well experienced. If you can be an attentive and creative partner then you should do fine.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 11:47 AM on January 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

Oh, and you might have to be extra clear that you're not judging your _partner_. If a woman is more experienced than a man, she might worry that he thinks badly of her. There are some men who will judge experienced women harshly. Please let nothing from you hint that. Please let it be immaterial.
posted by amtho at 12:02 PM on January 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

You should tell her before sex, for two reasons:

1) It's polite to let her know.
2) If she responds badly, you shouldn't sleep with her.

It's polite because there are certain mild potential inconveniences involved: you haven't had a lot of practice, and you may be more likely to get emotionally attached. Possibly neither of those will be a factor! But a little awkwardness, a little anxiety, a little mooniness afterwards are all totally normal and fine, as long as she's had a heads-up. Without a heads-up, she might be more confused or less prepared, and it's the definition of polite to give people the opportunity to handle things with aplomb.

Also, she should respond kindly and without making it a big deal, and if she doesn't, you shouldn't go through with it because she is either not a compassionate person or she has no chill.

When I was in my 20s I dated a guy who was a virgin when we got together, and he was older than you. He told me the first time we made out, which was probably too early but it didn't really faze me, and having sex was a fine experience for both of us and we are still friends. He did get a little fixated on me for a while, but I was able to be kinder about that (though not kind enough, I think -- I was 23 and dumb) than I might have been if I hadn't understood where it was coming from. And I think he probably had a better experience because it was me and not someone who would have made him feel bad or abnormal.
posted by babelfish at 12:06 PM on January 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

I've been with a partner who was decades older than you are, and had almost no sexual experience at all. Like half an hour of experience.
He told me this before we started having sex, but not long in advance. We were already doing things like cuddling and kissing by that time.

I did not think it reflected badly on him in any way at all. In fact I thought it was kind of sweet: the way that the things we did were new to him made them feel a little bit new to me, as well, and that was actually really nice. It was not a turn-off at all. Maybe a bit of a turn-on, even.

Keep in mind that you're not as rare as you think. Everyone seems to be having all the sex, all the time, but trust me... that's not true. There are others your age who have not had any sex.
It's also good to realise that individuals differ so much that having sex with a new partner is always a first, in a way, for everyone. There's always a lot to learn and find out about having sex with this specific person. You have no experience, but she has no experience with you. So the situation is not as unequal as it may seem.
posted by Too-Ticky at 12:15 PM on January 19, 2016 [2 favorites]

Early 20's is not really that uncommon. Something like 20-30% of college graduates are virgins (studies vary)

While the tally of sex partners is a nigh constant topic among high school and college students it's not common in adult life. In HS I was keenly aware of a number, Zero to Whatever for most people I knew. By my early 20's I don't think anyone I was dating or have dated since ever asked.
posted by French Fry at 1:09 PM on January 19, 2016

I couldn't even tell you my husband's number, and we are married and sexing on the regular. I think he told me how many partners he had previously had once? It wasn't tons of people, probably about the same as my number? I honestly don't care. No one adult will ask, I promise. So you get to decide for yourself how much to share and when.
posted by chainsofreedom at 1:24 PM on January 19, 2016

I was a late bloomer, too! High five! I've never asked any of my sex partners how many people they've been with. Hell, I've never asked my husband and he has never asked me. Go forth and have fun with your body, yeah!
posted by Foam Pants at 1:48 PM on January 19, 2016

I guess I'm really in the minority about this, but I would be totally forthcoming about it as soon as I felt like I could trust the person enough to be kind and understanding. Like, right after the first kiss I'd confess that I've never kissed anyone before, and I know it's unusual but I grew up in a really conservative family and am just starting to have these experiences. (Which would then make it obvious that I've never had sex before either.) Or if I felt like I wouldn't be able to relax and feel comfortable even enough to kiss somebody, I'd mention it even before the first kiss. For me, I can't imagine feeling comfortable enough to have sex with somebody if they lacked this context about me. But then again, personally I would want to know somebody pretty well before having sex with them.
posted by chickenmagazine at 2:09 PM on January 19, 2016

It's completely up to you.

I'm sorry you're feeling some anxiety about this. If it makes you feel better, I was a virgin until I was 22, and I was stressed out about it too - mostly, I wasn't sure what was expected of me and was worried that I wouldn't be "good" at it.

Now that I have a few years under my belt, I can give you this advice: you don't have to tell anyone anything about your sexual history unless withholding the information could cause them harm. Sex is fun, and you should be looking forward to it, not harboring fears about what is expected of you. Sex is, of course, a shared experience, but it's also a very individual experience, and what you choose to disclose regarding your past sexual history is entirely up to you (caveat: the aforementioned harmful withholding of information).

That being said, I'm going to echo those who said that lying about your sexual history is never okay. If someone asks you, respond honestly - even if that means saying, "I'm not comfortable talking about this." Truthfully, I think past sexual encounters should have absolutely no bearing on present ones (I have no idea what my S.O.'s "number" is, and I probably never will), but some people think they're important and will ask.

One more thing: the first time I had sex, it was with someone I had been dating for a few months who knew that I was a virgin. He never asked - I told him when we first got together because I didn't want him to have expectations. I needed to work myself up to the point where I felt comfortable enough with him to experience that, and when the time was right, I told him I was ready and off we went to the races. I'm going to reiterate that sex is a personal experience as much as it is a shared one. You decide what YOU feel comfortable with first, and then accommodate your partner.
posted by Teradactyl at 2:12 PM on January 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

I would like to be told this upfront and not in the bedroom as it would be a no go for me. However everyone is different and some prefer this, some don't. Once you date you will get an idea of the person-the important thing is to focus on the person, likes, dislikes etc. and then bring this up.
posted by stepup at 5:12 PM on January 19, 2016 [1 favorite]

Not all that long ago I was dating someone, and when we got to having sex, it was awkward in a way that didn't feel good--they were frustrated and anxious, and that made me feel strange as well. They told me later that it had been their first time, and I can't tell you how much I wish they'd told me beforehand--I wouldn't have decided not to be intimate with them, but we both would have had a better experience, I think.
My first partner also didn't tell me that I was also their first, and it would have been lovely to have known at the time that we were both exploring new territory together.
I would wait until you're close--not for shame but because you don't want to communicate assumptions about the kind of relationship you're both going to want to have--but I would encourage you to tell someone beforehand.
posted by Edna Million at 5:16 PM on January 19, 2016

I think you should frame this as a compatibility issue. You have nothing to apologize for or be embarrassed about -- but your goal is to find a compatible partner. Some women will be fine with an inexperienced partner (some of them may also be inexperienced!) But some others are going to find this untenable. Disclose fairly early on (maybe not date #1, but definitely before becoming intimate) and see what their reaction is. If you're using online dating, you may find a way to hint at this in your profile (or answer questions related to experience if the site uses questionnaires), to weed out people who are looking for experienced partners.
posted by Gray Skies at 5:57 AM on January 20, 2016

Good news, you have nothing to fear here. While it may seem like everybody has had sex by the time they graduated high school...there are many people your age and much older who haven't and for various reasons. Now my advice as far as telling a potential partner...I say you stick to the don't ask don't tell theory. The thing is while people really don't care whether you've had sex...they do care...women especially... about confidence. Confidence is attractive. If half way through a first or 2nd date you voluntarily say "I have something to tell you..." and you start going on about how you're a virgin it's probably not gonna go well for you. It will make you look insecure and that's unattractive. If somewhere down the road in a relationship it comes up that's fine. But honestly it's not something you have to say. The only real reason either partner should be concerned with in terms of other partners is std's. Always use protection in the beginning of a relationship. I will agree with others that many women will probably be able to tell that you are inexperienced. And that's ok. Just be confident in who you are and have the attitude of "so what if I'm a virgin". And really...so what. Now get there and have fun. That's the key.
posted by ljs30 at 8:08 AM on January 29, 2016