Age, the unknown quantity
January 18, 2016 5:26 PM   Subscribe

According to many others, I look about a decade younger than I am, and this has had the effect of causing me very uncomfortable situations across a lot of contexts.

I am 29, of average height, and very slender. But I have seen many other women my age or older with my body type who don't look like they are in their teenage years, so I'm quite confused about what it is about the way I look in particular. This bugs the hell out of me, because it is something I hear on a consistent basis, and causes some people to say very strange things to me based on their wrongful estimation of my age, like the orthodontist who said, "Now I'm going to read off a bunch of big words but don't worry about those." Not only did I know every "big word", but I was so taken aback that he even felt the need to add that disclaimer. When they later asked my age, they exclaimed "I thought you were 19!" Some people very subtly soften their speech with me, to seemingly aid my comprehension or? I don't know what that's all about. I am not the only one to have noticed this.

I am constantly getting unsolicited comments about how I look like I am just out of high school. Most recently I've heard it from a new hair stylist, a property manager at an apartment building I applied for a unit in, and cashiers. This seems to only be based on my physical appearance, as many of these people told me once they've spent a little time speaking with me that it's obvious I am an adult in my late 20s. I also get *a lot* of unwanted attention on public transit from either old men or young disheveled-looking men (don't want to use any pejorative terms here, I'll leave it to your imagination).

Sometimes it is absolutely mortifying, like the time two middle-school aged boys were waiting at the bus stop with me kept eyeing me and then I overheard one of the boys make a bet with the other that he could talk to me. I think they were trying to amuse themselves by seeing if a high-school aged girl would talk to them. A cashier at a grocery store I shop very frequently, and who has sold me alcohol many times, asked out of nowhere one day, "How old are you, anyway? Like 17?"

I don't understand what it is about me but evidently I have some kind of "look" that makes me appear this young. As far as wardrobe -- I wear dark colors and neutrals, and never wear completely flat shoes, for what it's worth. I don't wear things like graphic tees or anything one would automatically associate with a younger crowd. I'm not comfortable posting a photo, but barring that, does anyone have advice for how to cope with this, anything I can add into my wardrobe, any other tips?
posted by a knot unknown to Human Relations (48 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
 
Do you wear makeup? And, how do you style your hair?

For what it's worth, I'm 35 and I still sometimes get the "high school" comments; my grandmother was the same way pretty much until she had wrinkles and grey hair. Conversely, her brother looked like an adult when he was 12, and like a very old man in his 30s. Some of us just can't help it.
posted by SMPA at 5:34 PM on January 18, 2016


What's your hair like?
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:34 PM on January 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm about your age, and can get/have been read as at least 5-6 years younger than I am, and sometimes younger.

For me, the biggest factor seemed to be hair length: when I decided to try growing it out again, the whole being mistaken for a teenager thing went drastically up; it's in a long-ish bob now, so I still get "college student" but not as often. Also, I think make-up plays into it as well. I generally don't like to bother, but if I'm in a situation where I don't want to be read as (too much) younger, I'll do a basic mascara/foundation/eyebrows.

For wardrobe, since I work on a college campus, I ditched my backpack; I carry around a nice messenger bag now. I think especially at this time of year (if you're somewhere cold), quality outerwear also helps.

But I know that no matter what I do, I'll always look a little "young"-- I've got a round face, and big eyes. My mom got carded well into her thirties, and this was before a lot of places were doing the "we card if you look under 30" thing, so I expect I'll be going through the same thing. It's annoying, but I've (mostly) learned to let it slide.
posted by damayanti at 5:36 PM on January 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


I'm nearing 40 with a beard and I still mostly get guesses in the range of "29-31". I'm slightly overweight. Some people just look young in the face, which can go a long long way in especially short quick interactions (cashiers, bus stops). I don't have any advice for you, unfortunately.. other than get wrinkles and dye your hair gray!
posted by mbatch at 5:38 PM on January 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


I am almost 50 now but until I was 40 this was me. Carded at 30 to cash in a 20 dollar lottery ticket (it stands out because there was a big line and the cashier yelled to another worker "Can we cash in lottery tickets for kids?"). I worked in schools and kids would behave in appropriately towards me trying to pick me up. At 35 the teen age kid working the deli asked me out in front of other customers.

Men think they can be offensive because you are too young to know better. Some boys (when I was about 30) groped me as I walked past them on the beach and when I spun around and said something they denied it and accused me of just trying to meet them.
I dressed down because it attracted less attention.
Until I was about 30 if I was dressed professionally or very stylishly random people would ask me "How old ARE you?" - like there head couldn't process why a kid would be dressed like that.

Dressing up did not change how people perceived me. They just thought I was dressing too old.

It gave me more knowledge about girls' experiences in the world. It wasn't always pleasant but it made me wiser in many ways.
posted by ReluctantViking at 5:45 PM on January 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


Best answer: This happens to me all the time.

Suggestions: Dress up/like a professional. Wear glasses. Act grumpy/pained. Seriously, act like you're ten seconds away from a migraine at all times.
posted by destructive cactus at 5:46 PM on January 18, 2016 [13 favorites]


I got a lot of that when I was younger. (Round faced, small-chinned, big-eyed, enthusiastic by nature.) Wearing dowdy business casual, tidy makeup, simple-but-elegant jewelry, and/or a careful updo instead of a gamine cut, ponytail or long hair helps, but only goes so far. Cultivate professional speech and formal-ish manners, try to develop a lower-energy general habitus, and wait it out - stress and age will do the job eventually.

Or you can just embrace it (which is, truthfully, what I did.) Having people assume you're young is really only a hindrance when they are in a position to restrict your behavior accordingly, which most people aren't. At work, it can be a problem, but if you are consistently serious and do a really good job, people will eventually assume you are a prodigy rather simply than age-appropriately competent, which you can work to your advantage. The eternal condescension is irritating, but condescension is inevitable anyway.
posted by gingerest at 5:47 PM on January 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


Response by poster: The first three comments mentioned hair, so I'm assuming this plays a big part into it. One thing I've noticed is when I dye my hair darker, it "ages" me ever so slightly but probably not enough to make any appreciable difference. My hair is naturally a medium brown with copper tones, but when I dye it a shade darker to an ash brown, it looks a lot less girlish.

Right now it's about shoulder length, and I have bangs. I have a somewhat large forehead so I really, really don't want to grow them out. I remember when I got them a few years ago, countless people at work gave me really flattering compliments on it, so I assumed they brought more balance to my face, as was the whole idea. I've tried a bob before, but my hair is wavy and even when the cut is excellent, it just does not keep its style. Short hairstyles do not work with my hair's texture one bit. I will say that when I had the bob, even the stylist was surprised by the difference it made, but I just couldn't stick with it. Most days even with a lot of coaxing, it would pouf out into a christmas tree shape.
posted by a knot unknown at 5:51 PM on January 18, 2016


I have looked the same age since I was 12 years old. I used to get creepsters hitting on me constantly. Then I'd say, "I'm in the sixth grade! MOM!" and they'd run away. It was great when I was in high school, I never got carded, even when I was buying Peppermint Schnapps, Southern Comfort and Coke to mix it with.

I'm now well into my fifties, and I still look a younger than my years (on good days, some days I look every minute of my age.) My sister still looks like she's in her twenties. It's a thing.

Frankly, I'm loving it now. I decided to color my hair gray, not because it's hip (although that doesn't bug me) but because the parts of my hair that are 100% white won't hold color anymore!

Just get sassy and embrace it. It's fun to call people on their patronizing, it's neat to look people in the eye and say, "I'm old enough to be your aunt Sonny."

Dress how you like, act how you like. If it weren't for the aches and pains, I'd say that I haven't aged a day over 15, and honestly, I'm good with it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:52 PM on January 18, 2016 [12 favorites]


So obviously what you have is physical features that read young, but this is manageable with all sorts of things you can change. It's hard to answer with specific strategies, since we don't know exactly how you're dressing and what you look like. But it's absolutely solvable, in that you can wear clothing and accessories and makeup that signal 'older' rather than 'younger'. Others will chime in here with more practical advice on that front.

But I'd suggest you'd consider whether or not this type of change is worth the cost. That is, consider if you actually want to appear older--which means fundamentally changing your style--or do you just want to not have those uncomfortable situations anymore? Either (or both) are fine goals, but they require different solutions.

I would say that the discomfort you feel is optional, and you have the ability to decide you're not going to give a fuck anymore. In all the situations you cited, the awkwardness belongs to the other party, not you. Insomuch as they are even related to your physical appearance at all--the dentist could have treated you like an intelligent adult, even if you were 19, (frustratingly,) gross guys are probably not going to stop harassing you even if you look older, and dumbasses are always going to say dumb things to you.

Basically, I'm saying, you don't have to change because you're not the problem here. Don't let the world tell you're presenting wrong, because once you fix that, they're going to tell you something else is wrong. My advice would be to embrace having youthful features as much as you can.

And not directly related, but I feel like I was always trying to act older when I was a kid, not realizing that I would have the entire rest of my life to be an old fart...
posted by danny the boy at 5:59 PM on January 18, 2016 [11 favorites]


I have -- or maybe at this point "had" -- this problem, so I totally feel you.

For one thing, do know that you might stop getting this as much in the nearish future. When I was 31-32 the "you look so young" stuff started to dry up, and I don't really get it anymore. (Well, sometimes people will assume I'm 27 instead of 34, but I don't get carded as much, people don't confuse me for a high schooler, etc.) I have a suspicion that a lot of people over a certain age lump in everybody who looks younger than 25-30 or so in as "basically a fetus", and that this isn't really about any individual actually looking super young, and really just that they've pegged you as still being in that fetus range even though you are a year or two outside of it. So this isn't always going to be a thing, in fact it isn't going to be a thing for as long as you think it will.

All of that said, here's what I did to mitigate this when it was a problem for me:

- No clothes ever with any youthful styling at all. No mary janes or peter pan collars or oversized buttons or pussy bows or ruffles. If a ten year old would wear it (even/especially in an idealized past when little girls dressed like little girls), I would not. I'd avoid archetypal teenager stuff, too, or anything the youths are wearing these days.

- I tried not to have a social circle that included people of the age I didn't want to be mistaken for. If you're 26 and most of your friends are still in college or immediately post-college, it's no surprise that people will think you're the same age. I also would try not to fraternize with the super young folks if you're in a mixed-age group. I recently got asked by a teenaged background actor what high school I go to, but, you know, if I hadn't left myself open to making conversation with the teen background actors on set, it wouldn't have happened.

- Re the unwanted attention on public transit issue, my coping strategy has always been to wear sunglasses and also headphones, and to be 100% rapt in whatever I'm doing (book, playing a game on my phone, whatever), and never ever make eye contact with anyone. This won't cure it completely, but it will go way down if there just isn't an in at all.
posted by Sara C. at 6:02 PM on January 18, 2016 [8 favorites]


I don't understand what it is about me but evidently I have some kind of "look" that makes me appear this young.

I have a lot of experience with this. When I was 19, a server in a restaurant asked me if I wanted a child's menu. I'm now in my 40s, and I still get carded every once in a while, and I'm like seriously?

I will tell you two things, neither of which you probably want to hear.

1) My mom always told me -- always, always told me -- that I'd appreciate it someday. I resented that because it seemed really patronizing, but it turned out she was right. It's pretty cool to get carded by a middle-aged bartender or a supermarket clerk who looks at your ID, then you, then your ID again, and disbelievingly says "Wow, you're only a year younger than me."

2) Because this is actually not at all about how young you look -- it's about how old other people think they look. Their comments on your age come from their insecurities (and jealousies). It's nothing you're doing wrong with your clothes or hair.
posted by mudpuppie at 6:07 PM on January 18, 2016 [7 favorites]


I am a college professor and I often get confused for my students, and I know another professor who gets confused for a middle-to-high school student. There's a limit to how fixable this is, but things that help if you think they are worth the cost:

1) styled shorter-than-chin-length hair
2) professional makeup
3) expensive-looking and professional jewelry (real silver, gold, simple/timeless/plain design) and/or scarves
4) high quality and professional attire (no jeans/T-shirts/mini skirts - business casual dress at minimum or business dress)
5) expensive-looking and professional handbag (clean lines, not fast fashion)
6) when indoors, professional blazers
7) when outdoors in cold weather, expensive-looking and professional coat (timeless cut and materials, not fast fashion)
8) heels
9) visibly strong/muscular appearance (particularly toned arms & not much fat on your face)
10) complicated vocabulary optionally sprinkled with profanity
11) authoritative/commanding tone of voice
12) deeply pitched tone of voice
13) authoritative/commanding posture and body language
posted by vegartanipla at 6:27 PM on January 18, 2016 [22 favorites]


Best answer: I could have written this and I'm sorry you're going through it. Unfortunately, a lot of it because you look young and you're a woman, not just being young looking by itself. It's infantilization and the people who are determined to do it may keep doing it regardless of whatever small changes you make. The only advice I have is to avoid dressing in a way that ages you down ever more if you're in a situation where it's crucial not be mistaken for younger than you are, but it sounds like you already do that. As much as you're able to, try to remember this is on other people and not at all your responsibility based on how you style yourself/sound/etc.
posted by ariadne's threadspinner at 6:29 PM on January 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


I'm nearing 40 and this still happens to me on occasion. I probably look mid to late-20s now; I get carded if I buy alcohol without my young daughter present. I think it's gotten better in the past few year as my face has finally lost some of its baby fat.

It used to bother me a lot when I was in my late 20s, but eventually I just learned to live with it. In my case it was accentuated by the fact that I don't wear makeup and rarely dress up, so I would encourage you to try those things if it really bothers you. But honestly even if you work very hard at this, you will probably still have a youthful look. I think the easiest thing is to change your viewpoint. It's trite to say this, but eventually you will appreciate looking younger than you are.
posted by barnoley at 6:32 PM on January 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


I have something similar -- when I was 17, everyone thought I was 24. Now I'm 36 and people still think I'm 24. It's weird, but also nice. New people I meet are sometimes shocked when I relate something in my professional life from 10 or 15 years ago. It used to bug the crap out of me, but I've more or less accepted it at this point.

It does have its drawbacks, though. I'm rarely taken seriously in a business environment at first. It's been a constant struggle to instill trust and confidence with new clients and coworkers because they assume I'm young and inexperienced. Once people get to know me and see that I have the knowledge to back up my ideas it's less of a thing, but I feel like in some ways it has held me back in my career.

If it's just the first impression that's throwing people, it could be the way you speak rather than what you say. You can cultivate a very composed demeanor, and this will help some. Modulating your vocal tone so it doesn't go up at the end of a sentence and eliminating filler words from your speech (ie: um, so, like, basically, really) will help you sound older, or at least less youthful. Sometimes this can backfire and people will read you as cold, or 'bitchy'. Ignore these people. Don't ever feel like you have to cater to other people's expectations of your age and gender.

Best of luck :)
posted by ananci at 6:38 PM on January 18, 2016


People sometimes act shocked when they find out I'm in my mid-30s. I even remember a hairdresser who was cutting my hair assuming I must be way under 30. She told me something about, "You'll see once you're in your 30s..." and she was completely taken aback when I said, "I am in my 30s."

Sorry I don't have any advice about how to change your physical appearance. But the advice I can give is: learn to love it. On average, people who look young for their age actually have a longer time left to live. You're probably healthier than average, so your face has aged less than most of your peers'. Most people would love to have your problem — and whether they know it or not, their feeling would be backed up by scientific evidence.
posted by John Cohen at 7:00 PM on January 18, 2016 [5 favorites]


I think people also just like having something to say. If you weren't getting unsolicited comments about this the comments would be about something else. Not super helpful I know but it's one way of dealing with it. I wouldn't put a lot of time into making yourself appear older unless you feel like it's holding you back at work. In which case you don't want to appear older but more authoritative and like you can be believed.
posted by bleep at 7:13 PM on January 18, 2016


I feel you. High school and college friends make regular jokes about Dorian Gray to me. What's helped me is going grey at the temples (though truth be told I've been pepper and salt since my 20s and that didn't really help).

Other than you and me and everyone else in this thread joining the "21 Jump Street" unit, I'm not sure there's anything to do other than live your life. I have, however, found that I'm much happier playing with/taking advantage of the presumption vs. just being their victim.
posted by NoRelationToLea at 7:19 PM on January 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm 50. I guess I think I don't quite look 50, but people seem to think I look much younger, and this has only increased as I've gotten older. Even my new doctors acted surprised. I used to think it was a little genetic, like good skin, but mostly all this other subjective stuff mentioned above.

Within the last year I ran a plain, close up, makeup-less photo through Microsoft's How Old Do I Look? thingy and it guessed 27, so I think there is actually something objective people are picking up on, other than hair, clothing, voice, or your "vibe."

Do what you can with the above suggestions, but these days I find confidence and assertiveness work better than trying to tweak my appearance.

I don't let the comments bother me. People mean it as a compliment so whatever. I just carry on with the conversation.

On preview, yes, exploit this power if you need to!
posted by Room 641-A at 7:27 PM on January 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


I get this, too--I'm 34, and was carded when buying a ticket for that massive Powerball thing recently. My thirteen year old and I were at the mall together the other day and were told that we're a very cute couple.

As far as I can tell, there's not much for it. Dress more professionally, or in more expensive clothes, and people are still going to treat you like you're a child--only now you're playing dress up and trying to be a ~big girl~, which, in my experience, has made interactions even more gross and patronizing.

To some extent, I've learnt to embrace it, tho. For example, I look young, so very few people see me as a threat, and will tell me all sorts of things. Sometimes this means that I'm the person who's able to find out which employee is leaking sensitive information, and sometimes it means that I'm the person who people feel safe talking to when they need help. And both of those things can be sources of a power, and a chance to do good (or evil, if that's your thing) in the world.
posted by MeghanC at 7:35 PM on January 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


Most days even with a lot of coaxing, it would pouf out into a christmas tree shape.

Go to a curl-trained (they'll often mention Ouidad or Deva training, but check Yelp for good reviews that have the word "curly" in it) stylist, because Pyramid Head is a thing and no decent curl-trained stylist will do that to you. And tell them you are specifically looking for an easy-maintain cut that still helps with your age misperception issue.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:39 PM on January 18, 2016 [4 favorites]


Oh, and I assume that anyone who 1) is working for tips or 2) wants to get in my pants, is bullshitting. I know not every single one is bullshitting, so I user my radar when it counts, but it's an easy way for me to dismiss entire classes of those comments as not being about me personally.
posted by Room 641-A at 7:45 PM on January 18, 2016


Response by poster: To add, yes, this affects me professionally big time, and it also affects dating. It's difficult to know how to respond when people -- strangers -- come up to you and your date saying, "She's too young for you, man!" I've also had men tell me they would have never asked me out due to not realizing I was actually in their peer group. We can blame that on the guy, but I would do the same thing in their shoes, not looking twice at a fellow if I took him to be 20. I understand not all of it will be in the clothing/accoutrements but learning to not let the comments get to me. It's chipped away at me over time, though; I wasn't as fazed by it until it started happening with more frequency. In one of the replies someone picked up exactly what I was trying to convey -- that certain of men will harass/target women they think are young because they think we won't "know better". I know some people will offer unsolicited comments no matter what, but it is true that I seem to be a target for these things, and at times I feel unsafe because of it. A car is not in the works at the moment. Someday. I am going to try the glasses suggestion for when I ride transit.
posted by a knot unknown at 8:53 PM on January 18, 2016


I used to get comments like this on a daily basis when I was your age - am now 35, look almost exactly the same as far as I can tell, and rarely get those comments, so I don't know, there may be some kind of subtle difference that will occur in the next 5 years that will render this a moot point for you.

Also, if you are not wearing glasses, wear glasses and I'd wager you'll be amazed at how much this cuts down on any people hitting on you, cat calls, or comments about you looking like a high schooler. I used to be more vain and wear my contacts to work and constantly hear annoying comments about how I didn't look old enough for my job, or assumption that I couldn't possibly hold my job position and I must be a junior staff member because of my looks. Now I wear glasses every day to work, don't give a F#$% what people think of my appearance, may have gained some confidence I'm now projecting... and the comments are few and far between.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:54 PM on January 18, 2016 [3 favorites]


I used to get this more, and still do sometimes when I'm mistaken for students instead of staff, or sister/aunt/babysitter not mother.

Short short hair has helped.
Just giving in to resting bitch face has helped - I am developing frown lines as well, which is obviously a sign.
Related: no more polite smiles by habit.
Posture - head high, tailbone pointed out.
Blazers in work situations, with statement glasses.

For the most part though, I've just rolled with it and let the situations play out professionally, and reacted with total disgust to the pervs, and rolled my eyes at the irritating people.
posted by geek anachronism at 9:09 PM on January 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


It's your wardrobe. Wear nice slacks, slingback pumps, and synthetic business blouses. Stop wearing costume jewelry and wear more classic gold and pearls. Shop only at Ann Taylor. Problem solved.
posted by quincunx at 9:09 PM on January 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


No one ever believes my age, or my mother's (and she's in her 60s). When she was in her 40s she would get carded. I think in both of our faces are full and we have round cheeks, which gives an air of youthfulness. The older you get, the more gaunt your face tends to get. Meanwhile babies are round lil pumpkins. I'll take it as long as I get it, because while it annoyed me in university to always have people think I was younger, it's worth it now in my thirties, when I've had people in their early twenties think I'm their age.

If people are being condescending, tell them to go fuck themselves. A girl 16 doesn't deserve to be condescended to any more than you or I do! Fuck em.
posted by SassHat at 9:35 PM on January 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


Glasses will render you invisible to 95% of creeper men. Have a pair to keep in your purse for public transit.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:28 PM on January 18, 2016 [2 favorites]


I'm in my 30s and still look exactly the same as I did at 22. I have all the same problems you do (including being hit on by teens). At this point I've realised there's very little I can do about it. The only thing that helps is having a resting bitch face and acting confident (even if I'm not feeling it).
posted by toerinishuman at 11:36 PM on January 18, 2016 [1 favorite]


I also have this problem. Am nearing 40, rounded oval face, soft chin, quiet voice, and in spite of my height (5'11"/180cm), am taken for a college student.

Short-short hair vastly improved part of it – random people now assume I'm an adult – but oddly enough (unless you take into account sexism), did not improve things professionally.

Dressing up NEVER helped it for me. Ever. And I am someone who can pull off classy clothes – I grew up performing classical piano and saxophone, learned how to hold myself and all that. I'm afraid being a woman with a round face short-circuits all that professionally.

The past couple of years, I've just come to stop worrying about it entirely. It never bothered me that much, but it still did to an extent; now that I'm turning 40 I have finally realized that everyone older than me who always said "oh hon, don't give a fuck" was RIGHT. Seriously, if I could go back in time and tell my 30-year-old self that none of it works, the problem is with the world and not me, and no there is no little thing that will help, not even chopping off your beautiful wavy hair (I liked my shoulder-length hair, but did want to try short) or wearing nice clothes, hell, I would do it and save myself ten years of giving a fuck for nothing.

Also nthing this from MeghanC: ... I look young, so very few people see me as a threat, and will tell me all sorts of things. Sometimes this means that I'm the person who's able to find out which employee is leaking sensitive information, and sometimes it means that I'm the person who people feel safe talking to when they need help. And both of those things can be sources of a power, and a chance to do good (or evil, if that's your thing) in the world.

I'm a manager now, and though I have to deal with a shitload of assumptions that center around me being dumb because woman and "hurr hurr she's a kid," a lot of my recognized talent for effectively communicating with very different people, who include our most difficult clients, comes from owning the sincerity my face displays. It's a genuine reflection of who I am. People who assume you're naive are telling you something about themselves, not about you. People who figure out you're sincere and trustworthy? They're the ones you want.
posted by fraula at 2:14 AM on January 19, 2016 [7 favorites]


I didn't see this above, so I'll add it... do your clothes fit you properly?

I unfortunately look every bit of my age, but I'm shortish, and if try on something and the sleeves are too long or the shoulder seams hit too low, I look like a child playing dress up. A weird, old child.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:39 AM on January 19, 2016


Any acne? I'm 37 and still get carded and I assume it's because I also still break out around my period.
posted by Jacqueline at 2:46 AM on January 19, 2016


My sister-in-law repeatedly reports to us that she gets carded - she is 38.

I've given it some thought, because while I can see that to many people she might not look 38, she certainly shouldn't be confused for an 18-year-old by anyone who is paying attention (and I've worked for many years with 18-yos, so I should know).

I think a few things are going on for my sister-in-law (SIL) all at the same time, and some of this perhaps applies to you.

My SIL:

-is somewhat short
-doesn't wear make-up
-doesn't pluck her eyebrows (so they are full/thick)
-has "spots" (acne) here and there
-wears "shapeless", body-covering clothing (jeans, t-shirts, fleece-y cover-up, trainers)
-has long-ish hair that she parts down the middle and pulls back into a low pony-tail
-has large-ish eyes
-doesn't present herself confidently to people (doesn't look people in the eye, gives short responses and giggles a lot)

The overall presentation is rather student-ish, tomboy-ish.

Combine all of this with people who aren't really looking at her, but just glancing at an outline of a person, and I think this is how you can get people age 30+ being carded, etc.
posted by Halo in reverse at 3:54 AM on January 19, 2016 [3 favorites]


Best answer: A couple of ideas:

Get a makeup consultation. If I were you, I'd look for someone who does makeup for film and TV, since they are accustomed to creating the right looks and aging effects for various roles, and work with them to get the Look (or looks). Stress that you'll need tips for reproducing the effect on your own, take a lot of photos of the result (good light and a helpful friend would be handy here), then use these to consult with the makeup consultants at retail stores when choosing products.

Find a physically similar actress playing a power role, and study the wardrobe and accessory choices for her character in the film or show. For example, Kerry Washington is nearly 40, and looks like she could be a teen here (ca 2010, in her mid-30s), here (2013), and here (2015), but contrast with her look in her role as Olivia Pope, here. Searching "Olivia Pope" wardrobe, or "Olivia Pope" style will show a lot of fashion options and combinations. Obviously bearing and mien play a large part in creating an older, more assured, presence and this is also something one can observe and practice.

Check out petite fashion blogs. Petite women often have the same sorts of problems with seeming younger or being taken less seriously, so check out some blogs that feature professional or sophisticated looks to get some ideas for profiles and combinations that give a more mature vibe. Kileen Cheng of Cute and Little blog looks very young, but in her outfits as seen here, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, for example, she would not be mistaken for a teenager. (You can easily view photos on her blog with an image search here.)
posted by taz at 4:06 AM on January 19, 2016 [6 favorites]


Best answer: No advice, but much sympathy! I'm so glad this isn't just me. It happens to me all the time. The older you get, the more awkward it is. It's a genuine problem that causes much social awkwardness on a pretty much constant basis.

I have people who are younger than me giving me life advice all the time. And when I talk about my job history, or places I've travelled, people look quizzical and wonder if I'm a fantasist - how could someone so young have done all those things? The awkwardness comes when others realise your age after talking down to you for so long. It's also awkward when men much too young ask you out, and the ones your own age or older won't take overtures seriously, or they assume you have ulterior motives.

Some of the things that contribute to my issue are: I changed careers later in life, and that involved being a student again, and then a junior in my job - that context invites people to assume you are younger. I didn't pass some milestones like learning to drive til a bit later. I'm not married and don't have children - more markers of age. And I have some non Caucasian ethnic heritage - this makes it hard for people in a predominantly Caucasian society to guess one's age. I've also got a personality which is perceived as compliant, sweet, good-natured etc, and not over confident (the female socialisation stuff) - I'm pretty sure this makes people think I'm younger too.

And then of course finally lacking physical markers of age such as grey hair, being overweight, wrinkles.

I wouldn't want to change any of these things! It's not my fault I look young, and I'm not obliged to tell everyone I meet my age, upfront. So all that's left is to enjoy the many benefits and roll with the awkwardness ... or just continually find excuses to drop your age into conversation. Dropping hints about your generation based on tv shows/music etc won't work - people will just discount anything that doesn't fit with their assumptions about you. Even when I tell people my age, they will often promptly forget because it just doesn't 'gel' with their usual interaction & perception of me. Good luck!
posted by Stephanie_Says at 4:09 AM on January 19, 2016 [1 favorite]


I'm male, so my problems of looking much younger than I am are different. However, one way I adapted may be of use. During initial social conversations I wanted to continue, I'd look for a way to drop a reference or make a comparison or say 'that reminds me of...' which was appropriate to my physical age. When done correctly, the other would look confused and ask how old I was.
posted by Homer42 at 4:18 AM on January 19, 2016


I had this issue when I was younger, although not to the same extreme. Wearing makeup seemed to help, particularly foundation. Also, your neutral clothing may be part lf the problem. You may look at them and go these are "ageless" clothes that anyone 15 to 50 could wear, and you're right, but you need clothes that actively say a teenager would not wear this as opposed to someone of any age could wear this. I would always get the most extreme mistakes about my age when wearing something like jeans or shorts and a plain t shirt or tank top. I also think that going to a high end salon and asking for a more professional cut, something with some layers, etc would be worth trying. You can keep the same length and bangs, but go for a more sophisticated version of what you already have.
posted by whoaali at 4:34 AM on January 19, 2016


Just popping in real quick to nth the glasses thing -- I wore contacts in college and in my early twenties, but when I switched to wearing my glasses all of the time it was like I had suddenly stopped being a young woman -- unwanted attention on public transit, in particular, stopped almost entirely.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 5:28 AM on January 19, 2016 [4 favorites]


Best answer: About 10 years ago -- when I was about 35 -- my partner and I moved to a house in a new area. One day when I was walking home from work, a group of three teenage girls started razzing me -- Who was I? What high school did I go to? Did I think I was cool or something? Very surprised I said - Hey, I'm a grown-up! My tone of voice sounded grown up.

Part of it was my young face -- no wrinkles, chubby and round -- but the other part was my clothing. I was wearing jeans that day plus a hoodie, runners and carrying a backpack. After that I dressed up more for work -- that's my advice: clothing and voice.
posted by Lescha at 7:53 AM on January 19, 2016 [2 favorites]


Right now it's about shoulder length, and I have bangs.

I think that answers your question.

But, ya, I would just embrace it. My sister is almost 40 and still gets carded for R rated movies. I am almost 40 and people think I am 25 when I shave. My mom was carded for cigarettes at 46. My grandmother is 87 and people think she is just my older sister when I go places with her.
posted by TinWhistle at 8:46 AM on January 19, 2016


I've linked this in a previous comment but can't find it anymore, but this blog post is a great resource for how to look older and more professional when you have a young look.
posted by hindmost at 9:42 AM on January 19, 2016


It's interesting to read all the various answers here. I'm 60 (made a mistake on my profile here because I can't add up) and just last week when someone worked out my age after I mentioned something that happened when I was a kid, they were just shocked. I'm currently in a country where age is very tied to respect so I am having to negotiate that at the moment.

I've always worn glasses and I am quite short, and I did get unwanted attention when younger but I'm a bit socially awkward and sharp and sarcastic and don't care what people think and it didn't quite....if it was on a subject I cared about nobody would get to patronise me. For very long.

To tell you the truth I think a lot of it comes down to how you move, and how you look at people. So what should one say to you about looking older? Move stiffly? Groan and sigh a lot? Don't run up the stairs? Don't look people in the eye? Don't be interested in them nor wait to see what they have to say? Or just be yourself and correct people, politely but insistently, when they are wrong about you? You don't have to be unpleasant about it for it to be effective.
posted by glasseyes at 12:15 PM on January 19, 2016


Response by poster: I've read all of these and I had no idea how many people out there had this same problem, both male and female! A big takeaway for me so far is: glasses = creeper kryptonite. That's fantastic, as this is easy enough to do and something I'd never really thought of before. People have recommended a "more sophisticated" cut. Any examples? I've tried googling and can't seem to figure out what qualifies a cut as being more sophisticated over another. Maybe I'll just start wearing it in a French twist all the time.

taz, kickass reply! Thanks for taking the time to post links to concrete examples. That's what I was looking for.
posted by a knot unknown at 4:47 PM on January 19, 2016


With glasses, keep in mind that only certain styles will work for this. I have to wear glasses, but look better in and prefer the look of chunkier glasses, usually plastic frames, and they do basically nothing with regards to people's perception of my age. If you go the glasses route, I'd strongly rec rimless or wireframe ones.
posted by MeghanC at 7:34 PM on January 19, 2016


Nthing wearing makeup.
posted by southern_sky at 9:20 AM on January 20, 2016


People have recommended a "more sophisticated" cut. Any examples?

Years ago, I knew a woman in her twenties who wore her hair up for work (think "bun") in order to appear older and get taken more seriously. She also did power dressing to the max. She called her work wardrobe her "armor." She didn't read as younger than her age. She just had unusual job success for her age and did not want people questioning her authority.
posted by Michele in California at 9:58 AM on January 20, 2016 [1 favorite]


> glasses = creeper kryptonite

I'm 45, a woman, and wear glasses with thick lenses. Today a guy yelled "Hello, gorgeous!" at me while I was out for a run. Yesterday I got carded... while buying Endust.

Glasses are not the solution. Save your money for more mature haircuts and clothes.
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:16 PM on January 20, 2016 [1 favorite]


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