How to bring up body odor issue to family member?

January 18, 2016 10:55 AM

A family member has rather strong body odor which she might or might not be aware of. How to tactfully bring it up?

One particular family member has rather strong body odor issue. It smells mildew-y...like laundry that has been sitting wet for a while. It permeates everywhere and does not go away. An article of clothing borrowed from her had this odor and we could not get rid of it after 4 washings in our own laundry machine + vinegar/soap overnight soak.

My wife and I debated on telling her for ages. On one hand this is a personal issue and we really have no business. On the other hand we do strongly believe it interferes with her social interactions (she's actively trying to date). When she stays at our house for a few days (once every few months) she seriously stink-i-fies the whole house. If this is as simple as laundry fix - why not?

However there's a complicating factor. She stayed at our house the other day and in addition to the regular odor, there's a really strong perfume smell as well. Which to our minds indicates that she's aware of the issue. How can then we bring something up that she's trying to actively mask? But the perfume is not helping - it actually makes it worse!

The second complicating factor is she doesn't typically have the highest of self esteem and we imagine this might be a big blow. And this more than anything is what prevents us from telling her all these times. She's battling depression for a great portion of her adult life and she frequently spirals when things go wrong. Multiple times we resolved ourselves to tell her only to stop because we're really worried about this.

So...we're stumped. Any advice?

posted by 7life to Human Relations (20 answers total)

"Hey, I noticed that some of your clothes smell like mildew, I don't know if you realise it but it's hard to get rid of and doesn't go away with normal washing. You need to wash it in extra hot water with vinegar, then again in extra hot water with baking soda, then dry on high heat or in the sun."

(I know this because I often sleep with a towel for my wet hair, so I have to de-mildew.)
posted by jeather at 11:07 AM on January 18, 2016 [9 favorites]

You might want to tell her something about mildew in your towels, if you think it would make her feel better. It isn't really a huge shameful deal, all you need is to forget your laundry in the machine one day and then it never ever goes away (without the careful wash method).
posted by jeather at 11:08 AM on January 18, 2016

You can encourage her to relax with a nice bath (and provide scented epsom salts and nice soaps), make sure you're providing toiletries like deodorant at your house but I think that's about all you can do. Can your wife go shopping with her, and they each sample perfumes and body washes at a nice but not intimidating place like Sephora (where they will give you free samples of your favourite perfumes), and then pick out a new outfit or two each so she has something to wear on dates?

If she's using cheap laundry detergent, or cheap deodorant and drying her clothes in a dryer that can set bad smells into clothing.

Does this family member shower regularly when they're visiting? It sounds like a combination of her body chemistry and ineffective laundering.
posted by lafemma at 11:09 AM on January 18, 2016

Best answer: Absolutely tell her but go at it from the laundry angle. Stinky, mildewy laundry is A Thing, and a number of things can cause it. (For instance, an ex of mine one time left his clothes in the machine for a whole weekend, where they mildewed. Despite running another load, they continued to stink like mildew for forever and polluted every other item in his closet. As another example, I had a roommate who never washed with soap so, despite daily bathing, never got un-stank. It permeated everything.)

So google a few ways that laundry can go wrong and bring them up the next time you see her--that piece of clothing you borrowed from her is the perfect in--and go about brainstorming some cause/solutions.

(PSA: Please for the love of god anyone who knows me irl please please tell me if I smell or have spinach in my teeth or my fly is down. I would rather be told now and be embarrassed a little than find out later and die 1000x of embarrassment. Thank you.)
posted by phunniemee at 11:10 AM on January 18, 2016 [20 favorites]

This sounds like some kind of medical issue - bring it up with her in this regard and have her talk to her doctor. Perhaps it's a symptom of something more serious, perhaps it's something that can be addressed with medical treatment / dietary changes.
posted by lizbunny at 11:12 AM on January 18, 2016 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Maybe it's a mildew issue but not a clothing mildew issue? Have you been to her home? Could she have a larger mold issue there?
posted by Splunge at 11:18 AM on January 18, 2016 [3 favorites]

Has she always had this? There's a genetic disorder that causes body odor. If she hasn't always had it, has she changed her diet? Some foods can cause an increase in body odor, as can liver disease and kidney disease. I would not assume that this is related to hygiene. It might be, but it might not be. If she's trying to cover it with perfume, she's probably tried hygiene solutions. Maybe your wife could tell her that she noticed an odor on her clothing and says she's heard that can be caused by health problems, then ask if she's had a medical check-up (Maybe even something like, "I read this crazy thing about liver problems causing odors, and I know it sounds nuts, but I'm kind of a worrywart, and I'd really feel better if you saw a doctor just in case.") Unless you are much closer to this relative, it would probably be better coming from a woman than a man.
posted by FencingGal at 11:26 AM on January 18, 2016 [2 favorites]

It might be less embarrassing coming from your wife. And I'd frame it as concern/medical issue. If your family member bathes regularly and takes her clothing to the Laundromat, there very well may be an issue that needs to be addressed with a doctor.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:44 AM on January 18, 2016

Best answer: I'm quite curious about her living situation as well. That kind of mildew smell could be from laundry practices, but if her house, or her closet is overrun by mildew, better laundering practices won't help her. The clothing and things like her hair will pick up the smell just from being in the house (not to mention how very unhealthy it would be to live and breathe in a house like this).

There may also be a medical issue in the mix.

Please tell her. She must already be aware of this given the perfume.
posted by quince at 11:47 AM on January 18, 2016 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I would not assume this is a personal BO issue or medical condition unless you've ruled out more obvious causes; not only is a mildew smell more likely to come from actual mildew in the house, but approaching the situation as having some kind of internal cause is going to make her feel much more self-conscious. It sounds like you can't visit her home? I'd bring it up delicately in reference to the item you borrowed and ask if there's a source of moisture in that closet.
posted by thetortoise at 12:02 PM on January 18, 2016 [5 favorites]

Best answer: I realize that it's kind of a dodge, but could you bring it up as, "hey, around the time we borrowed that item from you/around the time you visited us, it seems like we were having some kind of problem with our washing machine that caused a mildewy smell. And once it got into our stuff, it was really hard to get rid of all over the house. I'm worried we may have passed the issue on to you since it's so pervasive, so I wanted to give you a heads up and tell you how we finally got rid of it."

In other words, don't focus on the causes. It doesn't really matter, for the purpose of trying to get rid of the problem, whether the smell originated with her or with you. What matters is identifying the problem and solving it, right? So it might be easier on her to hear, "we had this problem and here's how we fixed it," than "we think you have this problem, and here's how we fixed it when you contaminated us." So that's probably what I would do, pretend I didn't realize she was the source of the problem, but then give her the solution I had found.
posted by decathecting at 12:12 PM on January 18, 2016 [12 favorites]

Best answer: An article of clothing borrowed from her had this odor and we could not get rid of it after 4 washings in our own laundry machine + vinegar/soap overnight soak.


This very strongly suggests that she has mildew/funk in her home and that her clothes pick it up, either while being dried, or in storage. This is an enervating problem (don't ask how I know this) and she may or may not have gotten used to it, but as per your description it does not seem to be body odor.

Like, really not. I mean, if this person for example had a foot fungus problem or so, the smell wouldn't be like mildew, and it wouldn't stay in textiles borrowed from her home after multiple washings.

...in addition to the regular odor, there's a really strong perfume smell as well. Which to our minds indicates that she's aware of the issue.

This sounds like serious overthinking on your part. Imagine her living in an environment that smells like it does, and hence not really being aware of it any more, and also liking perfume. Perfectly possible.

So, what to do. Is it possible to visit her, say, for coffee or something? You could go there and make sure that the smell hasn't anything to do with her house. Or if it does, you can address that, and not her.
posted by Namlit at 12:55 PM on January 18, 2016 [3 favorites]

If she's had depression, it could be that her house is kind of tomb-like. She could be facing a seemingly overwhelming pile of chores to even start to get this under control. How much are you able to help?
posted by amtho at 1:07 PM on January 18, 2016 [3 favorites]

My mom has this same problem and I know for a fact that it is coming from her house. Her crawl space is inadequately ventilated/vapor-barriered and the whole place reeks of mildew, especially in the one bedroom where the closet walls are literally covered in black mildew. The smell permeates everything she owns and even when she buys me a gift and sends it 2500 miles across the country to me in the mail, when I open it I'm hit with the smell of mildew. My mom, however, is completely oblivious and refuses to believe me when I tell her about it.

So you can arrange to visit her in her home and see if that's the problem, but even if she believes you and wants to fix it, that kind of problem usually takes a lot of work and/or money to solve so I wouldn't expect much.
posted by HotToddy at 1:07 PM on January 18, 2016 [6 favorites]

Also, my mom uses strongly scented products too, but it doesn't mean she's aware of the mildew issue. It means her sense of smell is terrible.
posted by HotToddy at 1:09 PM on January 18, 2016 [1 favorite]

Are you sure it's not patchouli? That stuff always smells kind of like mildew to me.
posted by yarly at 1:28 PM on January 18, 2016

Response by poster: Hello folks - thanks for all the feedback so far. To answer a few questions - no...she has not always had it. We have been to her house and to our untrained noses the smell there is similar to our house after she's come visit. The clothes and/or body seem to be stronger though we never did consider that it very well could've come from her closet.

We'll try to approach it as a house and/or laundry issue right now. We've always known this is probably the approach but yes...a little nudge from the green was needed :)

Thank you all
posted by 7life at 1:55 PM on January 18, 2016

Agreed with various posters above saying it is more likely to be something in her house (or just her closet or her laundry machines or whatever) than a personal issue. The thing is, if it's in her house, it's a smell she's used to and is likely acclimated to, to the point she can't smell it. And as HotToddy said above, it's unlikely to be an easy fix in any case, and that much harder if she's acclimated to it.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:56 PM on January 18, 2016 [2 favorites]

There are known mildew issues with front loading washing machines. It can apparently stink up all clothing. Here's info on that. So that's one laundry thing that could be an "in" if she has a front loading washer.

But yes, please tell her.
posted by Crystalinne at 1:18 AM on January 19, 2016

Maybe to late, but when we moved into our house a few years ago the closet was rank. Turned out the neighbor's house didn't have a clear gutter, so all the runoff from their roof was spilling down the side of our hous. Over time, that water found a path into the drywall, right at the spot where our bedroom closet meets that wall. We had to tear out a lot of drywall and wood framing, not to mention take the neighbor to task to fix the problem that was causing this in the first place. I can see there being complicating issues in need of consideration here--maybe she can't bring herself to confront a neighbor, etc.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 9:06 AM on January 19, 2016