Friend didn't like a book I gifted... why am I so upset?
January 13, 2016 7:00 AM Subscribe
I recently gave a book to a friend for her birthday, she seemed happy, all was well. I later asked her how she liked it; turns out she couldn't get into it and ended up stopping halfway through. I was much more hurt by this admission than I feel I should have been. If someone doesn't like something I'm sharing with them, I often feel personally offended/rejected and have no clue why. How can I not feel so disappointed if my gifts aren't as well-received as I hoped they would be?
I'm usually hurt most when whatever thing I am gifting/showing has had a big impact on me. For example, the book I gifted got me through a rough patch in my life, and my friend is currently going through something similar. So when she said she couldn't get into it... I don't know... she is one of my best friends, and we have extremely similar likes and dislikes. I guess I expected so much for her to love it that finding out it was a "meh" gift hit me hard. I don't usually get worked up if the person I'm sharing something with isn't one of my best friends or close family.
I notice this in other areas of my life as well; if I ask a good friend to listen to a song that's near and dear to my heart and they dislike it, I can sometimes feel crushed depending on how much the song means to me. I don't let my friends know I'm hurt since I'm sure it's an overreaction on my part and I feel childish. I even start having thoughts like "OMG she doesn't like Azzkablazz by The Snazz? That's my favorite song, I guess we're not as close or similar as I thought we were if she doesn't like it." I try not to take these thoughts seriously, but they're there.
I've always been sensitive, and am deeply affected by the arts. I'm moved to tears rather easily. I have an anxiety disorder, and have suffered from depression in the past. I can be thin-skinned, although I'm good at putting on a face so I don't appear that way. I'm sure these traits have something to do with my reactions.
How can I recalibrate my expectations so that it doesn't matter to me whether or not someone likes my taste in books or music? My end goal is to be able to share things that are dear to me, yet not feel personally rejected if said thing isn't appreciated by my friends.
I'm usually hurt most when whatever thing I am gifting/showing has had a big impact on me. For example, the book I gifted got me through a rough patch in my life, and my friend is currently going through something similar. So when she said she couldn't get into it... I don't know... she is one of my best friends, and we have extremely similar likes and dislikes. I guess I expected so much for her to love it that finding out it was a "meh" gift hit me hard. I don't usually get worked up if the person I'm sharing something with isn't one of my best friends or close family.
I notice this in other areas of my life as well; if I ask a good friend to listen to a song that's near and dear to my heart and they dislike it, I can sometimes feel crushed depending on how much the song means to me. I don't let my friends know I'm hurt since I'm sure it's an overreaction on my part and I feel childish. I even start having thoughts like "OMG she doesn't like Azzkablazz by The Snazz? That's my favorite song, I guess we're not as close or similar as I thought we were if she doesn't like it." I try not to take these thoughts seriously, but they're there.
I've always been sensitive, and am deeply affected by the arts. I'm moved to tears rather easily. I have an anxiety disorder, and have suffered from depression in the past. I can be thin-skinned, although I'm good at putting on a face so I don't appear that way. I'm sure these traits have something to do with my reactions.
How can I recalibrate my expectations so that it doesn't matter to me whether or not someone likes my taste in books or music? My end goal is to be able to share things that are dear to me, yet not feel personally rejected if said thing isn't appreciated by my friends.
This might be a bit sideways to your question, but I would be pleased and in fact moved that my friend felt comfortable enough to share her genuine feelings about my gift rather than telling me "it was great!" out of politeness. I think that's the opposite of a rejection.
posted by eugenen at 7:07 AM on January 13, 2016 [81 favorites]
posted by eugenen at 7:07 AM on January 13, 2016 [81 favorites]
I'm like you. So was my mother. Both sides now!
What I've started to do is to pick out a thoughtful gift with the recipient's interests in mind, give the gift with the best of wishes that they'll enjoy it, and NEVER ASK ABOUT IT AGAIN. Period.
If I have no clue and a gift is appropriate, I give a gift card.
Once the gift has been given, it is the property of the recipient to do as they wish with it. If you keep inquiring, it starts feeling very controlling and the recipient starts feeling like the gift was never really about their enjoyment in the first place. Not where you want to be as the giver of a gift.
Side note: if the gift is decent and well-intentioned, a "thank you" either spoken or in writing from the recipient is appropriate. That is true whether or not they plan to keep the gift. If you don't get that, something's off, and it could be the recipient's entitlement issues. :-)
posted by Sheydem-tants at 7:08 AM on January 13, 2016 [40 favorites]
What I've started to do is to pick out a thoughtful gift with the recipient's interests in mind, give the gift with the best of wishes that they'll enjoy it, and NEVER ASK ABOUT IT AGAIN. Period.
If I have no clue and a gift is appropriate, I give a gift card.
Once the gift has been given, it is the property of the recipient to do as they wish with it. If you keep inquiring, it starts feeling very controlling and the recipient starts feeling like the gift was never really about their enjoyment in the first place. Not where you want to be as the giver of a gift.
Side note: if the gift is decent and well-intentioned, a "thank you" either spoken or in writing from the recipient is appropriate. That is true whether or not they plan to keep the gift. If you don't get that, something's off, and it could be the recipient's entitlement issues. :-)
posted by Sheydem-tants at 7:08 AM on January 13, 2016 [40 favorites]
You're not weird. Gift giving can be fraught. See the story of Cain and Abel in the Christian bible: the whole terrible murdery mess started when Cain's gift wasn't accepted by God.
posted by amtho at 7:14 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by amtho at 7:14 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
Not everyone is going to like what you like. That's why restaurants have menus. It doesn't mean that they're rejecting you or your favorite things, per se, just that they have their own likes and dislikes and favorite songs, and it's not going to dovetail with the things you enjoy. It's okay.
I will also suggest that giving a gift that YOU like to someone often is more about you than it is about them. In this instance you thought that this book would help your friend as much as it helped you. It didn't. Rather than be offended, take it as a data point, and next time a gift is needed, remember that and get her a scented candle.
Even your closest friends aren't going to be 100% in agreement with you. You're also not a superior human for being more moved by books or songs or whatever. It just means that these things hold a different place in your life than they do in someone else's.
Sharing your loves in books and music is pretty self-involved. It's all about YOU! Do you want to hear your friend's favorite music? Do you want to read their favorite books?
As a thought exercise, think about asking your friends to share their favorite play lists with you. How does it make you feel? Are you excited to learn something about your friends, or are you kind of dreading it?
At the end of the day, books and music are unique to each person and frequently there's no overlap.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:15 AM on January 13, 2016 [17 favorites]
I will also suggest that giving a gift that YOU like to someone often is more about you than it is about them. In this instance you thought that this book would help your friend as much as it helped you. It didn't. Rather than be offended, take it as a data point, and next time a gift is needed, remember that and get her a scented candle.
Even your closest friends aren't going to be 100% in agreement with you. You're also not a superior human for being more moved by books or songs or whatever. It just means that these things hold a different place in your life than they do in someone else's.
Sharing your loves in books and music is pretty self-involved. It's all about YOU! Do you want to hear your friend's favorite music? Do you want to read their favorite books?
As a thought exercise, think about asking your friends to share their favorite play lists with you. How does it make you feel? Are you excited to learn something about your friends, or are you kind of dreading it?
At the end of the day, books and music are unique to each person and frequently there's no overlap.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:15 AM on January 13, 2016 [17 favorites]
it doesn't matter to me whether or not someone likes my taste in books or music?
This. People get to be who they are in life. They are not you- you are unique as are they. So if you like bananas and they like apples it is not a reflection on you, it is just a difference of taste.
I am not dismissing your feelings- I used to feel the same. But I solved this type of thinking by becoming more secure in myself. But even more important by seeing others as who they are and respecting their decisions.
Good luck in working towards this- it is very freeing.
posted by shaarog at 7:17 AM on January 13, 2016 [8 favorites]
This. People get to be who they are in life. They are not you- you are unique as are they. So if you like bananas and they like apples it is not a reflection on you, it is just a difference of taste.
I am not dismissing your feelings- I used to feel the same. But I solved this type of thinking by becoming more secure in myself. But even more important by seeing others as who they are and respecting their decisions.
Good luck in working towards this- it is very freeing.
posted by shaarog at 7:17 AM on January 13, 2016 [8 favorites]
The only way I could solve this for myself was to eliminate gifts entirely, both giving and receiving, outside of very specific requests.
posted by yesster at 7:20 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by yesster at 7:20 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
I think it's kinda sweet, and I think that the world would be a sadder and emptier place if nobody gave each other books as gifts. It's an attempt at connection, and it's about telling other people what matters to you. That's a good impulse!
That said, if you're going to keep on doing this - recommending the books and music that matter to you to other people out of love - than you've just got to accept that sometimes other people are not going to respond to things in the same way that you will, and that's not a bad thing! In a way, it's about learning how to love, isn't it? You don't love someone because they're identical to you in every way - because you love them, you're curious and respectful of their thoughts and feelings, even when those differ from yours. If you are only happy when they agree with you, then you don't love a whole person; you love a reflection of yourself that isn't real.
So, I think if you're going to keep giving gifts like this, you need to frame them slightly differently, both to yourself and to the recipient. Instead of saying something like, "I'm giving you Book because I love it and I know you will, too!" say something more specific, like:
"I've been thinking a lot about how you're going through X and I know that when I was going through X, Book really meant a lot to me, because of ABC. I don't know if it'll be meaningful in the same way, because I know you're doing blahblahblah - I hope it's helpful, but even if it isn't, I'd really love to hear your thoughts on it!" And if they say they didn't like it or couldn't really get into it, you ask them why without judgment, instead of taking their difference of opinion as an insult. The gift is a jumping off point for conversation, and you aren't fully giving it if you don't allow other people their own response.
(And it's also true that after you give the gift, you DO NOT PESTER, and you let them be the one to bring it up, because sometimes people are busy and even cherished gifts from beloved friends languish on bedside tables for much longer than we'd like them to.)
posted by pretentious illiterate at 7:26 AM on January 13, 2016 [18 favorites]
That said, if you're going to keep on doing this - recommending the books and music that matter to you to other people out of love - than you've just got to accept that sometimes other people are not going to respond to things in the same way that you will, and that's not a bad thing! In a way, it's about learning how to love, isn't it? You don't love someone because they're identical to you in every way - because you love them, you're curious and respectful of their thoughts and feelings, even when those differ from yours. If you are only happy when they agree with you, then you don't love a whole person; you love a reflection of yourself that isn't real.
So, I think if you're going to keep giving gifts like this, you need to frame them slightly differently, both to yourself and to the recipient. Instead of saying something like, "I'm giving you Book because I love it and I know you will, too!" say something more specific, like:
"I've been thinking a lot about how you're going through X and I know that when I was going through X, Book really meant a lot to me, because of ABC. I don't know if it'll be meaningful in the same way, because I know you're doing blahblahblah - I hope it's helpful, but even if it isn't, I'd really love to hear your thoughts on it!" And if they say they didn't like it or couldn't really get into it, you ask them why without judgment, instead of taking their difference of opinion as an insult. The gift is a jumping off point for conversation, and you aren't fully giving it if you don't allow other people their own response.
(And it's also true that after you give the gift, you DO NOT PESTER, and you let them be the one to bring it up, because sometimes people are busy and even cherished gifts from beloved friends languish on bedside tables for much longer than we'd like them to.)
posted by pretentious illiterate at 7:26 AM on January 13, 2016 [18 favorites]
Bonding of a shared love of a thing—a book, a musical artist or song—is great, isn't it? It makes you feel validated and also gives you the opportunity to make an extra layer of connection with another person. It one of my favorite warm, fuzzy feelings.
Unfortunately, we have to realize that even our best friends or our partners have different tastes than us. This happens all the time, we both might love X, but have differing opinions about Y. It's sad that you then don't get to share that love, but it's okay. It's expected.
Ruthless Bunny is right about giving books or music as gifts. They are more about you than they are about the person receiving the gift. You are probably giving it because you want to share something that means a lot to you, that has been really helpful in your life. You are assuming and also expecting that person to have the same feelings as you, and you just shouldn't do that. People are different. I've stopped giving books or music to other people, because there is no way of telling whether it's something they'll enjoy. I know I'll be disappointed if they don't like it, so I don't put myself in that position.
If I want to recommend a book or a band, I'll drop them a line casually, with maybe a link ("Hey! Check out this band/book!") or mention it during conversation. But I'd never actually give it as a gift. If they did check out the book/band, they'll mention it in the future. ("Thanks for the rec! Loved it!") If they don't mention it, they didn't bother or they didn't like it. That's okay. Then you move on to other things.
posted by the_wintry_mizzenmast at 7:27 AM on January 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
Unfortunately, we have to realize that even our best friends or our partners have different tastes than us. This happens all the time, we both might love X, but have differing opinions about Y. It's sad that you then don't get to share that love, but it's okay. It's expected.
Ruthless Bunny is right about giving books or music as gifts. They are more about you than they are about the person receiving the gift. You are probably giving it because you want to share something that means a lot to you, that has been really helpful in your life. You are assuming and also expecting that person to have the same feelings as you, and you just shouldn't do that. People are different. I've stopped giving books or music to other people, because there is no way of telling whether it's something they'll enjoy. I know I'll be disappointed if they don't like it, so I don't put myself in that position.
If I want to recommend a book or a band, I'll drop them a line casually, with maybe a link ("Hey! Check out this band/book!") or mention it during conversation. But I'd never actually give it as a gift. If they did check out the book/band, they'll mention it in the future. ("Thanks for the rec! Loved it!") If they don't mention it, they didn't bother or they didn't like it. That's okay. Then you move on to other things.
posted by the_wintry_mizzenmast at 7:27 AM on January 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
I am like you in that I have a hard time not having a knee-jerk judgy reaction when I hear that somebody likes a book/movie/whatever I thought was awful JUST AWFUL, or hates a thing that really resonated with me. I read a lot, and belong to a book club -- which as you might imagine, can get dicey for someone with these reactions -- and I'm also a pretty critical consumer of media, so I've adopted the stance that when discussing a work that I disliked I will say "I didn't connect with this."
Interestingly, framing things this way has helped me be more accepting when others are critical of a thing I really liked. If someone doesn't care for a work that was meaningful to you, it doesn't mean "this was bad, you are bad for liking it and you should feel bad," it means "this didn't speak to me."
posted by trunk muffins at 7:29 AM on January 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
Interestingly, framing things this way has helped me be more accepting when others are critical of a thing I really liked. If someone doesn't care for a work that was meaningful to you, it doesn't mean "this was bad, you are bad for liking it and you should feel bad," it means "this didn't speak to me."
posted by trunk muffins at 7:29 AM on January 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
I've read some people on this site express the idea that feeling the need to agree on books or films or music or whatever your art form of choice is is really a shallow/immature/irrelevant way of going about relationships. I don't actually agree with that; I think for people who respond deeply to certain art forms and for whom art is a really meaningful part of how they express themselves and/or see the world, this is always going to be an issue.
Having said that, the older I get--I am in my mid-forties now--the more accepting I also am of the fact that I can still be sympatico with someone even we don't see eye to eye on some art that is really meaningful for me. Case in point, I've been in a relationship for two years now with someone who doesn't think much of one of my absolute favorite films of all time. (Hilariously, just a couple of months before we started seeing one another, I told another friend of my mind that I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't love this particular film, to which he responded, "Be careful about that! You'd be surprised!")
In other words, what I'm saying is that I think this is a perfectly normal emotional reaction, and you just have to remind yourself that the fact that someone close to you isn't responding in the way they should to something that is meaningful to you doesn't necessarily say anything particularly profound about that person or your relationship with them. Some things just don't connect with others the way we wish they would. On the other hand, I couldn't be in a romantic relationship with someone where we weren't fairly close in our tastes, because film and books and music are a huge part of how I spend my leisure time, and I just wouldn't enjoy that.
However, I do agree that in part, as someone said above, this is a matter of becoming more secure in yourself.
Having said that, I think your friend was a little bit tactless, and it's okay to be kind of taken aback. I know some people would be fine with being told that a book given as a gift was left unfinished, but I'd probably answer with a white lie or an evasion ("I haven't gotten to it yet, but I'm looking forward to it!") in her shoes.
posted by tiger tiger at 7:44 AM on January 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
Having said that, the older I get--I am in my mid-forties now--the more accepting I also am of the fact that I can still be sympatico with someone even we don't see eye to eye on some art that is really meaningful for me. Case in point, I've been in a relationship for two years now with someone who doesn't think much of one of my absolute favorite films of all time. (Hilariously, just a couple of months before we started seeing one another, I told another friend of my mind that I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't love this particular film, to which he responded, "Be careful about that! You'd be surprised!")
In other words, what I'm saying is that I think this is a perfectly normal emotional reaction, and you just have to remind yourself that the fact that someone close to you isn't responding in the way they should to something that is meaningful to you doesn't necessarily say anything particularly profound about that person or your relationship with them. Some things just don't connect with others the way we wish they would. On the other hand, I couldn't be in a romantic relationship with someone where we weren't fairly close in our tastes, because film and books and music are a huge part of how I spend my leisure time, and I just wouldn't enjoy that.
However, I do agree that in part, as someone said above, this is a matter of becoming more secure in yourself.
Having said that, I think your friend was a little bit tactless, and it's okay to be kind of taken aback. I know some people would be fine with being told that a book given as a gift was left unfinished, but I'd probably answer with a white lie or an evasion ("I haven't gotten to it yet, but I'm looking forward to it!") in her shoes.
posted by tiger tiger at 7:44 AM on January 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
I was in a book club once, and one month we were all reading this Fantasy book that was REALLY hard going.. I couldn't even finish it, and the bits I did read were just... awful.
At the book club, the girl who had recommended the book was SO excited to discuss it because it was one of her favourite books in the whole world.
I didn't want to be rude so I kept my mouth shut.... so did everyone else around the table.
Soon it became very clear that I was not the only person who hated it!
I could tell the girl who recommended it was really upset. NOt because we were unkind about the book, but because when you love something so much, you just want other people to love it too, you want a partner in crime to talk about it with.
It is unfortunate, but books can be very polarizing. I totally agree with someone upthread who says that your friend clearly loves and respects you, otherwise they wouldn't have been so honest with you. No-one, no matter how similar they are to you, is going to enjoy everything exactly the way you do. Try and see it as a good thing rather than a bad thing... relationships are much more rewarding with a little bit of debate here and there!
posted by JenThePro at 7:49 AM on January 13, 2016 [16 favorites]
At the book club, the girl who had recommended the book was SO excited to discuss it because it was one of her favourite books in the whole world.
I didn't want to be rude so I kept my mouth shut.... so did everyone else around the table.
Soon it became very clear that I was not the only person who hated it!
I could tell the girl who recommended it was really upset. NOt because we were unkind about the book, but because when you love something so much, you just want other people to love it too, you want a partner in crime to talk about it with.
It is unfortunate, but books can be very polarizing. I totally agree with someone upthread who says that your friend clearly loves and respects you, otherwise they wouldn't have been so honest with you. No-one, no matter how similar they are to you, is going to enjoy everything exactly the way you do. Try and see it as a good thing rather than a bad thing... relationships are much more rewarding with a little bit of debate here and there!
posted by JenThePro at 7:49 AM on January 13, 2016 [16 favorites]
Coming at this from the other side, I have a friend who likes to read and we have similar tastes...sort of...We've read and enjoyed many of teh same books, independent of each other. And we've recommended lots of books to each other, too. The thing is, when I've recommended books, he's read and enjoyed them. When he's recommended books, I try, but I don't like them. I don't think I've finished a single book he's recommended. I feel kind of bad about that. I'm not sure what insight this brings you, but I can say that we don't tend to ask each other if the recommended book was enjoyed and I think that's a generally good policy. If you gift someone a book and have an expectation that they'll read it, that's an imposition on their time. Expecting that they'll enjoy it is kind of unreasonable, as you seem to know. Let the book-giving exchange end with the giving. If they read it and like it, they will probably say so, but if you never hear anything, then just assume they read it, thought it was fine and forgot to bring it up.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:55 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:55 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
It's something that you learn as you get older: everyone's tastes are totally different. My very best friend and I have completely different tastes in almost everything. I'm an indie rock kind of girl, he listens to the 70s channel on satellite radio. I love gritty scripted dramas, he's into reality tv, cooking competitions, and anything documentary-ish. I'm into solitary hobbies, he does theater. There are always things I love love love that he is either indifferent to or worse. And I feel the same about many of his passions. It's ok. Long ago we accepted our differences and focus on the stuff we do have in common: people we know, love of snark, websites we read, etc. When gift-giving season comes around, I try to find something he'd like (thanks, amazon wish lists!) and he gives me things I'd like. And we almost never refer back to it.
The great thing about the internet is you can always find people to talk about your passions with. They don't have to be the people around you. Recommending or giving a book to someone is great, especially if you think it's relevant to their current place in life (for example, Gawande's Being Mortal has come up a lot around my way recently), but most things don't resonate the same way with everyone.
So I guess my suggestion is, don't stop being you at all! Keep sharing your interests. But try to understand that when someone rejects what you love, they're not rejecting YOU.
posted by clone boulevard at 7:58 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
The great thing about the internet is you can always find people to talk about your passions with. They don't have to be the people around you. Recommending or giving a book to someone is great, especially if you think it's relevant to their current place in life (for example, Gawande's Being Mortal has come up a lot around my way recently), but most things don't resonate the same way with everyone.
So I guess my suggestion is, don't stop being you at all! Keep sharing your interests. But try to understand that when someone rejects what you love, they're not rejecting YOU.
posted by clone boulevard at 7:58 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Call me strange, but I think it is a bit primal. You may be feeling that when they relate to the gift, they relate to YOU, meaning you are liked/validated by them. Therefore you feel safe in that. When you attach the gift in your mind to who you are, the rejection of the gift can translate, again, in your mind, as a rejection of you. That can feel unsafe and from there comes the upset.
This may be why logically knowing you shouldn't feel upset, but still feeling that way is showing up.
posted by Vaike at 8:07 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
This may be why logically knowing you shouldn't feel upset, but still feeling that way is showing up.
posted by Vaike at 8:07 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
It's okay to feel upset about stuff, including this stuff. Being upset is a reflexive reaction. Something I learned about in therapy is that often the problem that arises from being upset over irrational things is that we feel like we've somehow failed by being upset. And then we try to not be upset, because we're not supposed to be upset. It's actually more helpful to get used to being upset and get familiar and comfortable with the feeling. Because (like me) you have experienced more debilitating forms of anxiety and depression in the past, you may have learned to associate feeling bad about a thing with plunging headfirst into a black hole of horribleness that lasts for days. But we can form new associations.
So, your response flowchart looks like this right now: Friend didn't like the book/music/movie I liked --> I feel sad --> I don't want to feel sad --> what can I do that will make me feel less sad --> maybe tea, I like tea --> I tried tea and I'm still sad --> now I'm mad that I'm sad --> now I'm sadder --> TIME TO PANIC
And I think it could look like this, with time and practice: Friend didn't like the book/music/movie I liked --> I feel sad --> why do I feel sad? --> well, I was looking forward to connecting with her over this --> what a bummer! ok, what am I experiencing right now? --> well, it feels like my energy went away, my eyes are teary, and I feel a little weak and shaky --> hmm, OK. Am I panicking? --> yeah, a little, I do feel kind of anxious --> well, I'll go drink a cup of tea --> still feel anxious --> yup, that's fine, I am indeed still anxious and my hands are shaking a little and I'm going to keep enjoying this tea
I think after a while those little jumpy impulses to panic over how sad you feel start to quiet down and then at some point, maybe several months later, you realize you just had one of those conversations about gifts that usually stress you out and you were a little stressed but, wait, you aren't crying now? Huh, neat.
But also, yeah, don't ask people whether they liked your gifts. You already know they liked the emotional experience of receiving a gift from you. Gaining any more information may just result in frustration, because no matter how well you know a person, sometimes a particular gift just doesn't strike them in a particular way.
posted by capricorn at 8:08 AM on January 13, 2016 [6 favorites]
So, your response flowchart looks like this right now: Friend didn't like the book/music/movie I liked --> I feel sad --> I don't want to feel sad --> what can I do that will make me feel less sad --> maybe tea, I like tea --> I tried tea and I'm still sad --> now I'm mad that I'm sad --> now I'm sadder --> TIME TO PANIC
And I think it could look like this, with time and practice: Friend didn't like the book/music/movie I liked --> I feel sad --> why do I feel sad? --> well, I was looking forward to connecting with her over this --> what a bummer! ok, what am I experiencing right now? --> well, it feels like my energy went away, my eyes are teary, and I feel a little weak and shaky --> hmm, OK. Am I panicking? --> yeah, a little, I do feel kind of anxious --> well, I'll go drink a cup of tea --> still feel anxious --> yup, that's fine, I am indeed still anxious and my hands are shaking a little and I'm going to keep enjoying this tea
I think after a while those little jumpy impulses to panic over how sad you feel start to quiet down and then at some point, maybe several months later, you realize you just had one of those conversations about gifts that usually stress you out and you were a little stressed but, wait, you aren't crying now? Huh, neat.
But also, yeah, don't ask people whether they liked your gifts. You already know they liked the emotional experience of receiving a gift from you. Gaining any more information may just result in frustration, because no matter how well you know a person, sometimes a particular gift just doesn't strike them in a particular way.
posted by capricorn at 8:08 AM on January 13, 2016 [6 favorites]
Consider playing with the idea that you don't really see, hear, taste, smell, or feel the same world as other people—fundamentally.
I'm color-blind, for example, so I literally see everything differently from most people, in an overt way. Some people express sympathy for my inability to see the spectrum of colors that they see, but for me this sympathy doesn't even make sense—I don't miss seeing colors that I've never seen before, and colors are still beautiful.
With books, music, and all kinds of art, it's not just about the physical perceptions. You read with your whole mind, and that process is almost infinitely complex.
So with this comment that I'm writing, it's possible for you to receive it in infinitely many ways: maybe my language reminds you of some annoying person in high school; maybe you have an allergy of semicolons; maybe it's just that you've read 15 answers already and are getting a little tired of clever advice.
If you liked my comment, I would feel good and validated, and if you said it was stupid and boring, I would probably feel bad—but for my own sanity, I have to remember that everyone sees things in their own unique way.
Books that are deeply meaningful for you might be especially dependent on idiosyncratic resonances that other people do not share. For example, I read David Foster Wallace's books when I was in college, depressed and thinking a lot, and they made my mind light up like a Christmas tree—but I can't expect other people in general to have the same experience. Especially because my own reaction to his books is ambivalent and I sometimes even find him infuriating, pretentious, or tedious.
My metaphorical picture is that a work of art comes at you like a spaceship trying to dock with the station that is your mind. If the station is at a slightly wrong angle, the procedure just fails. Or maybe it's like a chemical reaction where if one side of the reaction has an unexpected composition, the result is totally different.
The basic idea anyway is that you can't look at the artwork as a thing in itself—it's only when it melds with a recipient that it becomes real, subjectively speaking. And that melding is extremely subtle, dependent on mood, memory, association, personality, synaesthestia, knowledge, context, time of day, season—it depends on damn near everything imaginable.
Another example is if you look at a certain painting by van Gogh of a wheat field with a deep blue sky and some black birds, and you're not familiar with van Gogh, you might see it in a particular way—but if you then learn that this is the last canvas he painted before he shot himself, and you look at it again, it's almost like you see a different painting. I think you can't even really separate the "pure visual" experience of seeing it from the emotional experiences that are bound up with your knowing about the man.
There is a loneliness about this whole idea of living in different mind-worlds, I realize, but even if you can never really share the same experience, you can still rejoice in what you both do find beautiful, and you can gain appreciation of each other's minds by discussing the things you see differently, like you show an artwork as a feeler to learn something about the other person. If the experiment shows that the other person has an aversion to that particular book or song, there is no value judgment of your way of experiencing.
posted by mbrock at 8:13 AM on January 13, 2016 [11 favorites]
I'm color-blind, for example, so I literally see everything differently from most people, in an overt way. Some people express sympathy for my inability to see the spectrum of colors that they see, but for me this sympathy doesn't even make sense—I don't miss seeing colors that I've never seen before, and colors are still beautiful.
With books, music, and all kinds of art, it's not just about the physical perceptions. You read with your whole mind, and that process is almost infinitely complex.
So with this comment that I'm writing, it's possible for you to receive it in infinitely many ways: maybe my language reminds you of some annoying person in high school; maybe you have an allergy of semicolons; maybe it's just that you've read 15 answers already and are getting a little tired of clever advice.
If you liked my comment, I would feel good and validated, and if you said it was stupid and boring, I would probably feel bad—but for my own sanity, I have to remember that everyone sees things in their own unique way.
Books that are deeply meaningful for you might be especially dependent on idiosyncratic resonances that other people do not share. For example, I read David Foster Wallace's books when I was in college, depressed and thinking a lot, and they made my mind light up like a Christmas tree—but I can't expect other people in general to have the same experience. Especially because my own reaction to his books is ambivalent and I sometimes even find him infuriating, pretentious, or tedious.
My metaphorical picture is that a work of art comes at you like a spaceship trying to dock with the station that is your mind. If the station is at a slightly wrong angle, the procedure just fails. Or maybe it's like a chemical reaction where if one side of the reaction has an unexpected composition, the result is totally different.
The basic idea anyway is that you can't look at the artwork as a thing in itself—it's only when it melds with a recipient that it becomes real, subjectively speaking. And that melding is extremely subtle, dependent on mood, memory, association, personality, synaesthestia, knowledge, context, time of day, season—it depends on damn near everything imaginable.
Another example is if you look at a certain painting by van Gogh of a wheat field with a deep blue sky and some black birds, and you're not familiar with van Gogh, you might see it in a particular way—but if you then learn that this is the last canvas he painted before he shot himself, and you look at it again, it's almost like you see a different painting. I think you can't even really separate the "pure visual" experience of seeing it from the emotional experiences that are bound up with your knowing about the man.
There is a loneliness about this whole idea of living in different mind-worlds, I realize, but even if you can never really share the same experience, you can still rejoice in what you both do find beautiful, and you can gain appreciation of each other's minds by discussing the things you see differently, like you show an artwork as a feeler to learn something about the other person. If the experiment shows that the other person has an aversion to that particular book or song, there is no value judgment of your way of experiencing.
posted by mbrock at 8:13 AM on January 13, 2016 [11 favorites]
I had a friend who would do this, and it drove me fucking crazy, because it meant that we couldn't just share music and books and stuff with each other - because my opinion on every single item of media became a referendum on her personality, when really, I'm just not into this band, dude!
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:28 AM on January 13, 2016 [14 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:28 AM on January 13, 2016 [14 favorites]
Here's the thing: I'd say some huge percentage of why we find certain things meaningful is because we found them. Or at least feel like we found them, at a time when we needed them, or were receptive to them, etc. This is such a hard, silly fact of humanity--it seems like we should be able to transfer our good feelings and enlightenment wherever they are needed, right? But your friend's hard times only look like your hard time from the outside; inside her head they are their own universe of troubles. She has to find her own thing.
In other words, you can't give someone else YOUR revelation. Because it was fundamentally yours. It only had magic for you because of how and when you found it, being you.
In practice, I absolutely never gift/show/share with anyone a thing because I found it revelatory. Or because I want them to feel what I felt. Or for literally any reason other than "I kind of know about the things you like, and I thought you might like this." When a thing is magical and meaningful to you, do not gift it. It's yours!
Now, it's completely natural and understandable to want to share that ecstatic feeling of Meaning and Connection that a thing has given you. But the way to share that feeling is by finding others for whom that thing is also already magic. Odds are you'll find them by accident and it will be wonderful, but you might also seek them out--say, in a fandom.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:33 AM on January 13, 2016 [11 favorites]
In other words, you can't give someone else YOUR revelation. Because it was fundamentally yours. It only had magic for you because of how and when you found it, being you.
In practice, I absolutely never gift/show/share with anyone a thing because I found it revelatory. Or because I want them to feel what I felt. Or for literally any reason other than "I kind of know about the things you like, and I thought you might like this." When a thing is magical and meaningful to you, do not gift it. It's yours!
Now, it's completely natural and understandable to want to share that ecstatic feeling of Meaning and Connection that a thing has given you. But the way to share that feeling is by finding others for whom that thing is also already magic. Odds are you'll find them by accident and it will be wonderful, but you might also seek them out--say, in a fandom.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:33 AM on January 13, 2016 [11 favorites]
Stop giving gifts that are a test, if it's this hard for you.
The spirit in which you should give a gift is "I thought YOU would like this because of YOUR preferences," not "I liked this." The gift isn't about you, and someone not liking a gift isn't about you, it's about preferences they are allowed to have as humans and it would be super boring if we all liked the same things.
So the feelings you get when this happens are also about you. It's really your fear of being inferior that hurts, because you believe that them not liking something means your like is wrong. Or that they are inferior to you and you've chosen your friends poorly, which is an attitude worth nipping in the bud.
You have to embrace diversity here, and learn to place value on differing opinions. You're missing out on what might actually be amazing conversations - and connections with other people* - just by not being able to have a conversation about why they didn't connect with something you did (or you didn't connect with something they did). Or they may actually come back with a counter-recommendation you didn't know about that you'd love. Consider these situations an opportunity, and one that you're missing out on.
*Real connections, one human psyche to another, rather than the shortcut of "you and I both like meatloaf, so we don't have to have feelings about it!"
But also, from one person with anxiety to another, you have to learn how to be uncomfortable sometimes. It's easy to get in the habit of believing that the experience of any anxiety at all is incorrect and must be avoided, which sets up a horrible cycle of frantic avoidance, but you actually have to learn to manage it. A good place to practice that is with things that are out of your control because of other people's human rights, and low-stakes not related to life and death. Such as someone not liking something you like. Practice having that experience and reframing it as something interesting that you respect.
The narrative is entirely under your control, even though other people's behavior is not. You get to pick the story you tell yourself about it.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:44 AM on January 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
The spirit in which you should give a gift is "I thought YOU would like this because of YOUR preferences," not "I liked this." The gift isn't about you, and someone not liking a gift isn't about you, it's about preferences they are allowed to have as humans and it would be super boring if we all liked the same things.
So the feelings you get when this happens are also about you. It's really your fear of being inferior that hurts, because you believe that them not liking something means your like is wrong. Or that they are inferior to you and you've chosen your friends poorly, which is an attitude worth nipping in the bud.
You have to embrace diversity here, and learn to place value on differing opinions. You're missing out on what might actually be amazing conversations - and connections with other people* - just by not being able to have a conversation about why they didn't connect with something you did (or you didn't connect with something they did). Or they may actually come back with a counter-recommendation you didn't know about that you'd love. Consider these situations an opportunity, and one that you're missing out on.
*Real connections, one human psyche to another, rather than the shortcut of "you and I both like meatloaf, so we don't have to have feelings about it!"
But also, from one person with anxiety to another, you have to learn how to be uncomfortable sometimes. It's easy to get in the habit of believing that the experience of any anxiety at all is incorrect and must be avoided, which sets up a horrible cycle of frantic avoidance, but you actually have to learn to manage it. A good place to practice that is with things that are out of your control because of other people's human rights, and low-stakes not related to life and death. Such as someone not liking something you like. Practice having that experience and reframing it as something interesting that you respect.
The narrative is entirely under your control, even though other people's behavior is not. You get to pick the story you tell yourself about it.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:44 AM on January 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
It's been my experience that book gifts and recommendations are really tricky. When people buy me books that aren't already on my "to read" list (i.e. bought off my Amazon wish list), I would say I end up reading/liking them maybe less than 50% of the time. This is not because the people involved aren't considerate or have bad taste or something...it's just really personal what books end up connecting with a person. And sometimes it is really context dependent -- there are some books that for whatever reason I've had around and struggled to get through a page or two, but then a year later or during a different emotional mood, I'll pick it up and fly through the rest of it in 2 days and end up loving it. Same piece of writing, so clearly me changing is the critical variable. :)
My personal rule is that I will suggest a book/podcast/TV show to someone one time, and then let it go. (Sometimes this is hard and I do it more than once because I am just SO EXCITED and really feel they would love it, but I try hard not to do this because I know that being pestered about reading/watching someone is the surest way to make sure someone never wants to consume that piece of media ever.) I definitely consciously think about releasing the recommendation out there and letting it do it's thing, whatever that is. I will occasionally gift books, but then I don't bring it up later. The thing is, whether someone will connect with some piece of media I love is really so personal and has no bearing on my taste or their taste or whatever -- it might just not be the right time in their life to fall in love with that book, and who knows -- maybe at some point in the future it will be (or maybe not)!
I also agree with those above that it's a big compliment that your friend felt she could be honest with you and didn't try to white lie it. Of course it would have been rude if she'd said something along the lines of "This book was a piece of trash and everyone who likes it is an idiot" -- but "couldn't get into it" is pretty minor criticism, and could be as much about having a stressful month at work than anything else.
Finally, one suggestion that might work for you is to get into making general recommendations to the world rather than specific recommendations/gifts of media you care a LOT about to specific people. I've started doing Goodreads and also posting my most-loved reviews to Facebook. It's a lot of fun because in that more general atmosphere, no one has to specifically reject a book if it's not for them, but I still feel like I'm putting out good vibes for my favorite books in case people might pick up on them. And I've actually been surprised by some of the things folks have ended up liking -- my mom, for example, ended up reading a book I posted about that I would never in a million years have recommended to her specifically (just based on my impression of her taste in books), but she loved it! So that can be cool.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:57 AM on January 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
My personal rule is that I will suggest a book/podcast/TV show to someone one time, and then let it go. (Sometimes this is hard and I do it more than once because I am just SO EXCITED and really feel they would love it, but I try hard not to do this because I know that being pestered about reading/watching someone is the surest way to make sure someone never wants to consume that piece of media ever.) I definitely consciously think about releasing the recommendation out there and letting it do it's thing, whatever that is. I will occasionally gift books, but then I don't bring it up later. The thing is, whether someone will connect with some piece of media I love is really so personal and has no bearing on my taste or their taste or whatever -- it might just not be the right time in their life to fall in love with that book, and who knows -- maybe at some point in the future it will be (or maybe not)!
I also agree with those above that it's a big compliment that your friend felt she could be honest with you and didn't try to white lie it. Of course it would have been rude if she'd said something along the lines of "This book was a piece of trash and everyone who likes it is an idiot" -- but "couldn't get into it" is pretty minor criticism, and could be as much about having a stressful month at work than anything else.
Finally, one suggestion that might work for you is to get into making general recommendations to the world rather than specific recommendations/gifts of media you care a LOT about to specific people. I've started doing Goodreads and also posting my most-loved reviews to Facebook. It's a lot of fun because in that more general atmosphere, no one has to specifically reject a book if it's not for them, but I still feel like I'm putting out good vibes for my favorite books in case people might pick up on them. And I've actually been surprised by some of the things folks have ended up liking -- my mom, for example, ended up reading a book I posted about that I would never in a million years have recommended to her specifically (just based on my impression of her taste in books), but she loved it! So that can be cool.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:57 AM on January 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
Sharing who you are with someone and giving them a gift are two different things. When you give a gift, you give it with the receiver's desires in mind. You think about what they would like and then choose accordingly. You didn't do that here. You thought about what you wanted them to like and that's what you chose to give. You then followed the 'gift' up with an intrusive question. Once someone has thanked you for the gift, it is not appropriate for you to ever bring it up again, unless you want honest feedback to store away for future gifts (which you didn't, you wanted them to say that they liked it as much as you).
To put it simply, the script that you want them to read from is in your head and they haven't received a copy of it, nor should they. You are looking for love in all the wrong places. These people obviously like you and connect with you on some level, otherwise they wouldn't be your friends. See them for who they are and take the love that they are willing to give, on their terms. Find joy in what is there, instead of looking for what isn't.
posted by myselfasme at 8:57 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
To put it simply, the script that you want them to read from is in your head and they haven't received a copy of it, nor should they. You are looking for love in all the wrong places. These people obviously like you and connect with you on some level, otherwise they wouldn't be your friends. See them for who they are and take the love that they are willing to give, on their terms. Find joy in what is there, instead of looking for what isn't.
posted by myselfasme at 8:57 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
I think it's also because of the way you absorb books with so much feeling. I think I'm different because I tend to rigorously critique a book in my head - which bits were stunning, which bits were weak etc. There's rarely a book that I love without a single reservation.
So I have this friend, a writer, who is similar and we love buying each other books. And for me it's exciting to discover what he liked and didn't like about the book, and what kind of things it makes him think about out society.
I'd be a bit disappointed if he couldn't finish it, sure, but we could have a great discussion about that, too.
It's hard to just get a "couldn't get into it" without any further conversation, though. It makes the other person feel like a stranger.
posted by Omnomnom at 9:00 AM on January 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
So I have this friend, a writer, who is similar and we love buying each other books. And for me it's exciting to discover what he liked and didn't like about the book, and what kind of things it makes him think about out society.
I'd be a bit disappointed if he couldn't finish it, sure, but we could have a great discussion about that, too.
It's hard to just get a "couldn't get into it" without any further conversation, though. It makes the other person feel like a stranger.
posted by Omnomnom at 9:00 AM on January 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
It sounds like you want to be understood through your gifts, which isn't what gifts are for.
Gifts are given to make the recipient happy. And then find other ways to feel "seen" by your loved ones.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:04 AM on January 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
Gifts are given to make the recipient happy. And then find other ways to feel "seen" by your loved ones.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:04 AM on January 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
I've experienced a phenomenon where the more someone gushes about something (a movie, a tv show, a book, a band, a restaurant etc.), the less likely the person being gushed to is going to love it. It's like they can't compete with the level of adoration for the Thing, their expectations are too high, and it can't help but fall flat.
posted by cecic at 9:55 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by cecic at 9:55 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
Gifting is never about you.
Gifting is about them.
If that seems weird to you, then perhaps stop giving gifts.
posted by gsh at 10:13 AM on January 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
Gifting is about them.
If that seems weird to you, then perhaps stop giving gifts.
posted by gsh at 10:13 AM on January 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
I know that when I love a book, a movie, or some music, I want to share the experience with people I care about because it was so great! But other people are not you, and it might be something as trivial as the light in the room that causes them to have a 'meh' experience when you had a great one. As I've gotten older I've learned to accept this.
Recently a good friend gave me a book that I just could not finish, I hated it so much. But we've loved many of the same books and films - she told me to watch a movie that her husband didn't like, and I loved it! So it was a little bit easier to tell her I didn't like the book. We may share many of the same tastes, but not all, because we are different people.
Don't stop sharing your great experiences or giving gifts, but do understand that it's really a crap shoot as to whether or not the other person will feel the same way, no matter how many other things you have in common.
posted by maggiemaggie at 10:36 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Recently a good friend gave me a book that I just could not finish, I hated it so much. But we've loved many of the same books and films - she told me to watch a movie that her husband didn't like, and I loved it! So it was a little bit easier to tell her I didn't like the book. We may share many of the same tastes, but not all, because we are different people.
Don't stop sharing your great experiences or giving gifts, but do understand that it's really a crap shoot as to whether or not the other person will feel the same way, no matter how many other things you have in common.
posted by maggiemaggie at 10:36 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Other people aren't you. That's what makes them interesting. They are never going to exactly share your tastes. Try to make the gift more about what they like, and don't put so much of your heart into it.
posted by w0mbat at 10:56 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by w0mbat at 10:56 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
Folks above have covered that it can be Great to bond over a book. And clearly, you'd like your friend to be helped as you were, which is kind.
Being accepted for who you are, whether or not you like the same things your friend does is Even Better. When a new friend once responded to hearing that I love country music with, "huh, cool, it's not for me, but what do you like about it?" it was So Freeing to realize that his opinion of me was not based on shared tastes. So it's ok to be a little hurt, but also let it go, realize it's not a reflection of her opinion of you or your tastes, and bond over the things that do bring you both joy.
posted by ldthomps at 11:04 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
Being accepted for who you are, whether or not you like the same things your friend does is Even Better. When a new friend once responded to hearing that I love country music with, "huh, cool, it's not for me, but what do you like about it?" it was So Freeing to realize that his opinion of me was not based on shared tastes. So it's ok to be a little hurt, but also let it go, realize it's not a reflection of her opinion of you or your tastes, and bond over the things that do bring you both joy.
posted by ldthomps at 11:04 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
I am exactly like you, down to the hypersensitivity and anxiety and I find sites like MUBI or goodreads cathartic enough to feel like I'm having a shared experience.
I also hate receiving books as gifts. I give up everything in my day to read a book. I have very specific literary tastes. I don't even have the time and energy to read my list of intended books.
I also have a hard time reading a book when I am going through something because depression literally takes away my energy.
I hate validating someone's taste and makes me feel like they're giving me a limited amount of ways that I can connect with them. I am one of those people who deeply connects with works of art but I try to be diverse enough in my taste that I can find some way to connect with a person rather than seeking a particular work of art.
I am not diverse in my taste for books and have learned I never will be and it's very obvious when people don't share my taste. Is it obvious to you? Try having conversations that highlight differences. You may end up connecting in an unexpected way.
I crave meaningful relatonships. I would love to talk about the things that give my life meaning all day long but a friendship is also focusing on the other person and what gives them meaning. If you want to help out your friend in her rough time, think about her tastes. You guys are not twins. You need to know where she differs from you and celebrate that.
So you can rework yourself by learning about other people's sense of meaning and being excited about the differences because it gives you a unique opportunity to understand that person in a different way. It also makes that person feel validated and not like they have to mold into you.
posted by thischarmingirl at 3:18 PM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
I also hate receiving books as gifts. I give up everything in my day to read a book. I have very specific literary tastes. I don't even have the time and energy to read my list of intended books.
I also have a hard time reading a book when I am going through something because depression literally takes away my energy.
I hate validating someone's taste and makes me feel like they're giving me a limited amount of ways that I can connect with them. I am one of those people who deeply connects with works of art but I try to be diverse enough in my taste that I can find some way to connect with a person rather than seeking a particular work of art.
I am not diverse in my taste for books and have learned I never will be and it's very obvious when people don't share my taste. Is it obvious to you? Try having conversations that highlight differences. You may end up connecting in an unexpected way.
I crave meaningful relatonships. I would love to talk about the things that give my life meaning all day long but a friendship is also focusing on the other person and what gives them meaning. If you want to help out your friend in her rough time, think about her tastes. You guys are not twins. You need to know where she differs from you and celebrate that.
So you can rework yourself by learning about other people's sense of meaning and being excited about the differences because it gives you a unique opportunity to understand that person in a different way. It also makes that person feel validated and not like they have to mold into you.
posted by thischarmingirl at 3:18 PM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
I get this sometimes. But something I've come to realise is that I personally like or dislike things for often rather small reasons. And this is true of other people too. I stopped watching "Breaking Bad" after the bathtub fell through the ceiling, because I work with that acid and it's crazy dangerous and toxic, and I couldn't watch any more. One of my favourite books "A walk in the woods" by Bill Bryson was unreadable for a couple of my friends because of a fairly small scene towards the beginning of the book which has one of the characters discarding half the things from his pack during the first day because it's too heavy. I saw it as a vaguely amusing, my friends saw it as extreme littering and stopped reading.
posted by kjs4 at 3:21 PM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by kjs4 at 3:21 PM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Lots of good advice here, I think this is because this is one of those things most people go through when they’re younger.
I love to give and receive books (and music and movies) but at my age most people I know know the rules; you give and then you don’t mention it again. The only people that I will ask are the people I am close enough to that I don’t mind hearing that they didn’t like it, and they don’t mind telling me, otherwise you are putting someone on the spot. That’s not a gift.
Asking someone how they liked the book, if they read it, etc. is pretty much like meeting for coffee and asking why they aren’t wearing the shirt you gave them. Only your mom gets to do that.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answers to.
posted by bongo_x at 6:55 PM on January 13, 2016
I love to give and receive books (and music and movies) but at my age most people I know know the rules; you give and then you don’t mention it again. The only people that I will ask are the people I am close enough to that I don’t mind hearing that they didn’t like it, and they don’t mind telling me, otherwise you are putting someone on the spot. That’s not a gift.
Asking someone how they liked the book, if they read it, etc. is pretty much like meeting for coffee and asking why they aren’t wearing the shirt you gave them. Only your mom gets to do that.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answers to.
posted by bongo_x at 6:55 PM on January 13, 2016
Oh I used to be (and still am, in a certain sense) so much like you. If I liked a song or a band and someone said they hated them or they sucked, I'd be crushed and feel terrible.
I'm trying to think what got me over the hump of feeling like that. I think it has to do with just OWNING your likes and dislikes. And if someone disagrees well too bad for them. I also think I got it through my mind that people are so in their own world that nothing you do is going to make them like or dislike something. They have to do it of their own accord. I can merely suggest things to them, and if they end up liking those things too, bonus!
I think I had to take a step back from suggesting things to people as if it's going to change their life and being so tied up in whether or not that suggestion WORKS for them. And in turn tying up my self worth in the outcome.
So if I suggest a book to someone or give it as a gift, I definitely hope in earnest they will like it. But if they don't? Psh, they're just missing out on something I think is great. Sucks for them!
I guess it boils down to taking it a bit less seriously if I'm going to make suggestions or recommendations or gifts to people.
Oh, kjs4, I stopped watching Breaking Bad after that scene too because it nauseated me more than any other horror scene I've ever seen. However I gave it a second go and the show is great. YMMV.
posted by christiehawk at 10:23 PM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'm trying to think what got me over the hump of feeling like that. I think it has to do with just OWNING your likes and dislikes. And if someone disagrees well too bad for them. I also think I got it through my mind that people are so in their own world that nothing you do is going to make them like or dislike something. They have to do it of their own accord. I can merely suggest things to them, and if they end up liking those things too, bonus!
I think I had to take a step back from suggesting things to people as if it's going to change their life and being so tied up in whether or not that suggestion WORKS for them. And in turn tying up my self worth in the outcome.
So if I suggest a book to someone or give it as a gift, I definitely hope in earnest they will like it. But if they don't? Psh, they're just missing out on something I think is great. Sucks for them!
I guess it boils down to taking it a bit less seriously if I'm going to make suggestions or recommendations or gifts to people.
Oh, kjs4, I stopped watching Breaking Bad after that scene too because it nauseated me more than any other horror scene I've ever seen. However I gave it a second go and the show is great. YMMV.
posted by christiehawk at 10:23 PM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
I know it seems cold but this is what gift cards are for. If you want to give risky gifts then do that during non-important times ('I read this and loved it so I wanted to share the experience'). I know my mum more than any other person but I would never in a million years buy her anything if she didn't specifically say 'I like/want X' because it's a waste of time and money. I also find it sort of upsetting when someone buys me a gift I don't want or barely like versus just giving me the money to get what I want.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 8:42 AM on January 14, 2016
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 8:42 AM on January 14, 2016
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posted by jazh at 7:06 AM on January 13, 2016 [39 favorites]