Should I give a shit about my brother's bachelor party?
January 12, 2016 9:28 PM Subscribe
One of my two younger brothers is having his bachelor party soon. At this point, my interest level is too low to even respond to emails about it. Am I a terrible person? The usual upchucking of details inside...
One of my brothers is getting married. He has started emailing me regularly, along with what I assume are his other groomsmen, about his upcoming bachelor party. I am trying to balance my overriding desire to give no fucks about this with the need for being a decent person and preserving family harmony. Your input is appreciated.
Here is some background on my brother and his fiance, courtesy of an AskMe by my spouse. TLDR: they are terrible people.
My brother, in particular, is terrible even within the relatively narrow sphere of bachelor parties. (This isn't going to be a digression into recounting debauchery, BTW. None of the males in our family are the strippers/drugs/etc. type. This is plain old garden variety assholery.) On the occasion of my wedding, my brother announced he was treating me and a friend to bar-hopping the night before my wedding. He showed up late, drank for a few hours until plastered, announced he'd forgotten his wallet and let me pay for everything, never mentioning it again, let alone paying me back. Fine, whatever. Then last year, there was the whole drama in the other Ask about youngest brother's wedding. He refused to even go to that "bachelor party" such as it was, leaving me and youngest brother to drink beer, eat wings, and watch Doctor Who in a cabin in the woods alone, on my dime, again.
So now I'm supposed to give a shit about his bachelor party? I'd really like to just claim schedule conflict and skip it entirely. But ignoring all communications about the planning may have tipped my hand.
What say you: hold the grudge (and stand with my also screwed-over and uninvited to this shindig other brother) and refuse to go out of my way for a self-absorbed shitheel's ill-advised wedding? Humor the asshole in the name of family harmony no more than necessary? Or be the bigger man and show him how a decent sibling steps up and does things right?
Asshole brother is the kind who spends an exorbitant amount of energy patting himself for the back for everything he thinks he has ever done that was kind and even more effort on holding grudges against those who have committed wrongs against him, real or imagined. If I blow this off, it will be A Thing.
But then, if he and his fiance don;t make this A Thing, there will still be a next Thing. And it's not like they'll acknowledge me even if I went out of my way on this.
One of my brothers is getting married. He has started emailing me regularly, along with what I assume are his other groomsmen, about his upcoming bachelor party. I am trying to balance my overriding desire to give no fucks about this with the need for being a decent person and preserving family harmony. Your input is appreciated.
Here is some background on my brother and his fiance, courtesy of an AskMe by my spouse. TLDR: they are terrible people.
My brother, in particular, is terrible even within the relatively narrow sphere of bachelor parties. (This isn't going to be a digression into recounting debauchery, BTW. None of the males in our family are the strippers/drugs/etc. type. This is plain old garden variety assholery.) On the occasion of my wedding, my brother announced he was treating me and a friend to bar-hopping the night before my wedding. He showed up late, drank for a few hours until plastered, announced he'd forgotten his wallet and let me pay for everything, never mentioning it again, let alone paying me back. Fine, whatever. Then last year, there was the whole drama in the other Ask about youngest brother's wedding. He refused to even go to that "bachelor party" such as it was, leaving me and youngest brother to drink beer, eat wings, and watch Doctor Who in a cabin in the woods alone, on my dime, again.
So now I'm supposed to give a shit about his bachelor party? I'd really like to just claim schedule conflict and skip it entirely. But ignoring all communications about the planning may have tipped my hand.
What say you: hold the grudge (and stand with my also screwed-over and uninvited to this shindig other brother) and refuse to go out of my way for a self-absorbed shitheel's ill-advised wedding? Humor the asshole in the name of family harmony no more than necessary? Or be the bigger man and show him how a decent sibling steps up and does things right?
Asshole brother is the kind who spends an exorbitant amount of energy patting himself for the back for everything he thinks he has ever done that was kind and even more effort on holding grudges against those who have committed wrongs against him, real or imagined. If I blow this off, it will be A Thing.
But then, if he and his fiance don;t make this A Thing, there will still be a next Thing. And it's not like they'll acknowledge me even if I went out of my way on this.
more elaboration: my boyfriend and i use each other to get out of this kind of messed up family stuff all the time. it works oddly well. you may want to employ the same tactic. (we work it out beforehand so we're both on the same page, of course.)
posted by koroshiya at 9:35 PM on January 12, 2016
posted by koroshiya at 9:35 PM on January 12, 2016
If you don't want to go, you don't have to go.
posted by samthemander at 9:35 PM on January 12, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by samthemander at 9:35 PM on January 12, 2016 [4 favorites]
Two options here:
1) "I'm sorry, it won't be possible for me to attend because [insert ready made excuse].
2) on the night before, call in with a terrible case of the fake flu. Chill at home: don't go out and get caught in good health around town.
posted by slateyness at 9:36 PM on January 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
1) "I'm sorry, it won't be possible for me to attend because [insert ready made excuse].
2) on the night before, call in with a terrible case of the fake flu. Chill at home: don't go out and get caught in good health around town.
posted by slateyness at 9:36 PM on January 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I was offered the opportunity to help choose the date and ignored him, hoping this would all go away.
So a date-specific excuse is probably out.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 9:37 PM on January 12, 2016
So a date-specific excuse is probably out.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 9:37 PM on January 12, 2016
It's a few irritating hours and hopefully a hundred or two hundred bucks.
In 10 years you will be glad you just went. Don't be the person fanning the flames as both brothers get married. Be supportive, don't ruin your relationship now. There's plenty of time to ruin the relationship after the wedding if that's what you want to do.
Or show up a little late with 3 one hundred dollar bills, slam a beer, leave the bills and say your water heater flooded the basement and you need to go home. You need to pay for your absence if you want to save the relationship.
posted by littlewater at 9:40 PM on January 12, 2016 [30 favorites]
In 10 years you will be glad you just went. Don't be the person fanning the flames as both brothers get married. Be supportive, don't ruin your relationship now. There's plenty of time to ruin the relationship after the wedding if that's what you want to do.
Or show up a little late with 3 one hundred dollar bills, slam a beer, leave the bills and say your water heater flooded the basement and you need to go home. You need to pay for your absence if you want to save the relationship.
posted by littlewater at 9:40 PM on January 12, 2016 [30 favorites]
"I'm sorry, that won't be possible."
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:43 PM on January 12, 2016 [7 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:43 PM on January 12, 2016 [7 favorites]
Oh gods, after your last askme about this guy, I would say don't go. It will be awful.
But then, if he and his fiance don;t make this A Thing, there will still be a next Thing. And it's not like they'll acknowledge me even if I went out of my way on this.
So you have nothing to lose by not torturing yourself by going.
A white lie would be appropriate here. You have an unshakable commitment on that date already, how unfortunate, so sad. A pity you didn't check your emails. Nevermind, you'll see them at the wedding.
Or you suddenly fall ill on the day. You have the black lung. Or scurvy. Whatever. Thank the gods you were able to shake it before the wedding.
I was offered the opportunity to help choose the date and ignored him, hoping this would all go away.
You didn't see the emails. You're very sorry, things have been crazy lately and your inbox has just been flooded. Isn't modern life so hectic?....etc.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 9:47 PM on January 12, 2016 [10 favorites]
But then, if he and his fiance don;t make this A Thing, there will still be a next Thing. And it's not like they'll acknowledge me even if I went out of my way on this.
So you have nothing to lose by not torturing yourself by going.
A white lie would be appropriate here. You have an unshakable commitment on that date already, how unfortunate, so sad. A pity you didn't check your emails. Nevermind, you'll see them at the wedding.
Or you suddenly fall ill on the day. You have the black lung. Or scurvy. Whatever. Thank the gods you were able to shake it before the wedding.
I was offered the opportunity to help choose the date and ignored him, hoping this would all go away.
You didn't see the emails. You're very sorry, things have been crazy lately and your inbox has just been flooded. Isn't modern life so hectic?....etc.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 9:47 PM on January 12, 2016 [10 favorites]
Go but leave your wallet at home.
posted by cairnoflore at 9:51 PM on January 12, 2016 [34 favorites]
posted by cairnoflore at 9:51 PM on January 12, 2016 [34 favorites]
Could you say some version of - hey Brother, I got your email last week about the bachelor party on April x-teenth and was really looking forward to it, but unfortunately, we just got a phone call last night that Extra Important Other Thing came up on the same night and I'm afraid we really need to be at that instead. So sorry, but I know you understand how important these things are, and I promise to make it up to you at your wedding. Have a great bachelor party!
posted by triggerfinger at 9:53 PM on January 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by triggerfinger at 9:53 PM on January 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
Ok, this is all terrible but are you also saying your other brother wasn't invited to the party but you were? It's still family harmony to hang with your uninvited brother instead (or not go in solidarity), so do that.
posted by sweetkid at 9:53 PM on January 12, 2016 [16 favorites]
posted by sweetkid at 9:53 PM on January 12, 2016 [16 favorites]
It seems like you fall out with this guy a lot and you guys don't particularly enjoy spending time together. Will humoring him really do that much to preserve the harmony? Preserve what harmony, anyway? How much harmony is there to preserve? Skip it and don't give an excuse. The only thing you have to do in the name of family decency is show up to the wedding IMHO.
posted by bleep at 9:54 PM on January 12, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by bleep at 9:54 PM on January 12, 2016 [5 favorites]
Bro-ster,
Can't make the bachelor party, but would love to take you out for some beers when you get back from the honeymoon.'
DOT
Then, never mention it again like he never mentioned paying you back. Invite your other brother out for beers the night of the bachelor party.
posted by AugustWest at 9:56 PM on January 12, 2016 [24 favorites]
Can't make the bachelor party, but would love to take you out for some beers when you get back from the honeymoon.'
DOT
Then, never mention it again like he never mentioned paying you back. Invite your other brother out for beers the night of the bachelor party.
posted by AugustWest at 9:56 PM on January 12, 2016 [24 favorites]
Also, you are not at all a terrible person. It is totally okay if you don't get along with certain members of your family.
posted by triggerfinger at 9:56 PM on January 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by triggerfinger at 9:56 PM on January 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
Why don't you try being honest with him? "Moe, I don't like how you're treating Larry, and I don't appreciate that you stuck me with the bill for my own bachelor party, causing me to be unable to afford my shuffling lessons, so I'm really not into this. You should probably find someone who will feel more festive."
There may be more drama but at least he'll know how you feel.
posted by roger ackroyd at 10:24 PM on January 12, 2016 [29 favorites]
There may be more drama but at least he'll know how you feel.
posted by roger ackroyd at 10:24 PM on January 12, 2016 [29 favorites]
Tell him the original date emails went into your junk mail folder for some reason and that you have a conflict that cannot be escaped on that very day. You'll have a miserable time if you go, and you might remember that more in the future than anything, thus creating more potential family drama in future. Either that or break a leg or something on the day. I would. It sounds awful.
posted by lesbiassparrow at 10:28 PM on January 12, 2016
posted by lesbiassparrow at 10:28 PM on January 12, 2016
Your brother is a limited person, and you're not wrong to want to stay away from him.
That said, if family harmony is meaningful to you, you could go (and maybe forget your wallet), show your face, toast him, and develop a headache at some point in the evening.
Reasons I think it could potentially be worth maintaining at least nominal family harmony:
- This is one of those "won't forget" events that will come up forever. People remember this stuff on their deathbeds.
- If you have and care about at least one parent for whom family matters, keeping even a superficial peace on the rare occasions you have to see him (like weddings [mostly done now, right] and some holidays) might keep them happy / lead to less stress / angst for you from their end. I.e., if this turns into a big stink, depending on the people, holidays from here on out might be more stressful for you in other ways. Parents, also, don't always have to know every detail of sib issues. (I don't know, some might say "who cares" about the parents, but they've probably been through a lot, it's their last years, eh.)
- Lord knows you don't pick your family. But sometimes they come through in surprising ways when the chips are down, despite everything, because of the sense of moral obligation that caused you to ask this question and not just say "eff him".
- It's one night, you can ignore him the rest of the year
- Potential organ / blood donation needs in future
- Maybe he'll grow out of it. There's always a chance.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:39 PM on January 12, 2016 [9 favorites]
That said, if family harmony is meaningful to you, you could go (and maybe forget your wallet), show your face, toast him, and develop a headache at some point in the evening.
Reasons I think it could potentially be worth maintaining at least nominal family harmony:
- This is one of those "won't forget" events that will come up forever. People remember this stuff on their deathbeds.
- If you have and care about at least one parent for whom family matters, keeping even a superficial peace on the rare occasions you have to see him (like weddings [mostly done now, right] and some holidays) might keep them happy / lead to less stress / angst for you from their end. I.e., if this turns into a big stink, depending on the people, holidays from here on out might be more stressful for you in other ways. Parents, also, don't always have to know every detail of sib issues. (I don't know, some might say "who cares" about the parents, but they've probably been through a lot, it's their last years, eh.)
- Lord knows you don't pick your family. But sometimes they come through in surprising ways when the chips are down, despite everything, because of the sense of moral obligation that caused you to ask this question and not just say "eff him".
- It's one night, you can ignore him the rest of the year
- Potential organ / blood donation needs in future
- Maybe he'll grow out of it. There's always a chance.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:39 PM on January 12, 2016 [9 favorites]
You're not the best man, right? Show up, pats on back, leave early.
posted by vunder at 10:40 PM on January 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by vunder at 10:40 PM on January 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
Roger ackroyd is 300 million percent correct.
But sadly...
Your brother only wants another fight *sigh.* He is dangling the bait. You avoid the fight by going. If you do not go, you might be disinvited from the wedding...
Actually. If he's going to pick a fight and disinvite you from the wedding at some point anyway, let it be because you kindly as possible were direct and told him the truth about his bachelor party etiquette!
Use roger ackroyd's script!!
Send a nice gift to the wedding I am certain you will be disinvited from. Take you wife someplace nice on that day and thank your lucky stars your inner life and real family isn't like your brother's. Celebrate your good fortune in these two areas. You're lucky. You really are.
posted by jbenben at 10:41 PM on January 12, 2016 [6 favorites]
But sadly...
Your brother only wants another fight *sigh.* He is dangling the bait. You avoid the fight by going. If you do not go, you might be disinvited from the wedding...
Actually. If he's going to pick a fight and disinvite you from the wedding at some point anyway, let it be because you kindly as possible were direct and told him the truth about his bachelor party etiquette!
Use roger ackroyd's script!!
Send a nice gift to the wedding I am certain you will be disinvited from. Take you wife someplace nice on that day and thank your lucky stars your inner life and real family isn't like your brother's. Celebrate your good fortune in these two areas. You're lucky. You really are.
posted by jbenben at 10:41 PM on January 12, 2016 [6 favorites]
Be supportive, don't ruin your relationship now. There's plenty of time to ruin the relationship after the wedding if that's what you want to do.
This is my view as well.
Then again, it's easy for me to say, because I haven't been putting up with his nonsense for decades. With people like this, there is a time to start pulling back. But given that you're asking, maybe the time hasn't arrived.
Life is long, and even if you want to walk away from the connection with him, it'd be nice to leave the door open a crack rather than slam it shut and lock it behind you, in case circumstances shift and you manage to reconnect one day.
In terms of how much effort, if 0 was "hold the grudge and refuse to go," 50 is "humor the asshole in the name of family harmony no more than necessary" and 100 is "be the bigger man and show him how a decent sibling steps up and does things right," I'd pitch your efforts around a 60 or 65. Not so low that you're effectively doing it out of mean-spiritedness and spite, as it will be unpleasant for you to simmer in those feelings the entire time. But not so high that you'll burn out all your goodwill before the wedding or totally lose it the next time he fails to do something brotherly. Don't think "let me show you how it's done" because he certainly won't learn, and his future failures will be another thing you might then be tempted to doubly hold against him. I'd try to find that part of you that remembers playing forts when you were five and wants to wish him well. I'd shoot for "this is the minimum I can do and feel good about it, because hell, man, you might be a shithead, but you're my brother and I still love you."
By the way, what is his deal, do you know? Has he been this way your whole lives?
posted by salvia at 11:30 PM on January 12, 2016 [5 favorites]
This is my view as well.
Then again, it's easy for me to say, because I haven't been putting up with his nonsense for decades. With people like this, there is a time to start pulling back. But given that you're asking, maybe the time hasn't arrived.
Life is long, and even if you want to walk away from the connection with him, it'd be nice to leave the door open a crack rather than slam it shut and lock it behind you, in case circumstances shift and you manage to reconnect one day.
In terms of how much effort, if 0 was "hold the grudge and refuse to go," 50 is "humor the asshole in the name of family harmony no more than necessary" and 100 is "be the bigger man and show him how a decent sibling steps up and does things right," I'd pitch your efforts around a 60 or 65. Not so low that you're effectively doing it out of mean-spiritedness and spite, as it will be unpleasant for you to simmer in those feelings the entire time. But not so high that you'll burn out all your goodwill before the wedding or totally lose it the next time he fails to do something brotherly. Don't think "let me show you how it's done" because he certainly won't learn, and his future failures will be another thing you might then be tempted to doubly hold against him. I'd try to find that part of you that remembers playing forts when you were five and wants to wish him well. I'd shoot for "this is the minimum I can do and feel good about it, because hell, man, you might be a shithead, but you're my brother and I still love you."
By the way, what is his deal, do you know? Has he been this way your whole lives?
posted by salvia at 11:30 PM on January 12, 2016 [5 favorites]
You have plans that night. It's a few drinks with your other, uninvited brother.
You are not the destroying family harmony. Your brother is. Being a shitheel and throwing the consequences onto everyone else isn't at all fair. Maybe it's time he dealt with the consequences for a change. Maybe it's time for him to be the bigger man and deal, instead of making a fuss?
posted by Solomon at 12:40 AM on January 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
You are not the destroying family harmony. Your brother is. Being a shitheel and throwing the consequences onto everyone else isn't at all fair. Maybe it's time he dealt with the consequences for a change. Maybe it's time for him to be the bigger man and deal, instead of making a fuss?
posted by Solomon at 12:40 AM on January 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
Don’t go, but do tell your brother why. If he’s old enough to get married, it means he’s old enough to understand that life is about giving and receiving.
posted by Kwadeng at 3:14 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by Kwadeng at 3:14 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
I like the direction of roger ackroyd's script too.
Maybe try: 'I reckon I'm just up for the wedding mate. It doesn't look like the BP is a family affair with Larry missing. Have fun with your friends on the night. Cheers.'
posted by honey-barbara at 3:17 AM on January 13, 2016 [13 favorites]
Maybe try: 'I reckon I'm just up for the wedding mate. It doesn't look like the BP is a family affair with Larry missing. Have fun with your friends on the night. Cheers.'
posted by honey-barbara at 3:17 AM on January 13, 2016 [13 favorites]
Can you imagine a situation in which you could actaully enjoy spending time with your brother? Maybe you like hiking, for example, so you could come up with a slightly cheesy/ceremonial "pre wedding brother adventure/pilgrimage", where you have some kind of special packed lunch reminiscent of some meaningful/educational/considerate time from childhood, you plan a long enough walk that the food will taste awesome if you have it at the "pond of memories", then walk back along the "creek of interesting future events".
Or maybe you could take him go-karting. Almost no interaction, usually fun.
Or maybe you guys could just go shopping for a gift for his bride-to-be. That would be a bit more intense, but at least you'd be setting the example of thinking of _others_ and you might even help him some.
The silliness is part of it; it would lighten the mood, and provide fodder for light but maybe interesting conversation that could help your brother get a sense of you as a human person who has needs too. Plus: cheap/free
posted by amtho at 3:23 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Or maybe you could take him go-karting. Almost no interaction, usually fun.
Or maybe you guys could just go shopping for a gift for his bride-to-be. That would be a bit more intense, but at least you'd be setting the example of thinking of _others_ and you might even help him some.
The silliness is part of it; it would lighten the mood, and provide fodder for light but maybe interesting conversation that could help your brother get a sense of you as a human person who has needs too. Plus: cheap/free
posted by amtho at 3:23 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Oooh, I like honey-barbara's angle. "Nah, it's cool, I don't want to intrude. I can tell you don't really want it to be a family event anyway, you should go have fun with your buds!"
If he asks why you think he doesn't want family there, that's when you mention other brother, but I would leave that particular 'bitter' bit out of the initial bowing out. (And if he just says 'ah well too bad' then, hey, great, solved. Do go get drinks or play Parcheesi or whatever with your other brother that night though.)
posted by Lady Li at 4:03 AM on January 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
If he asks why you think he doesn't want family there, that's when you mention other brother, but I would leave that particular 'bitter' bit out of the initial bowing out. (And if he just says 'ah well too bad' then, hey, great, solved. Do go get drinks or play Parcheesi or whatever with your other brother that night though.)
posted by Lady Li at 4:03 AM on January 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
Also want to say that while I agree in "honesty is the best policy" as a starting point, I know it is not always a reasonable option. I have a family member who, at even the sign of the slightest criticism, gets extremely (I'm not using that word lightly) defensive and fighty. We have tried every which way for decades to talk to this person and have tried every approach we can think of, including sugar-coating everything we say almost to the point of fully obscuring the point. Nothing has made a difference.
You reach a point where you'd rather not have to (and shouldn't have to) contort yourself to say something, as well as wanting to have have occasional family gatherings that are reasonably peaceful and free of angry, belligerent family members. Not everyone is a rational recipient to what is usually the best course of action and sometimes avoiding certain things not only does the greatest good for the greatest number of people, but is also potentially the only reasonable option available.
posted by triggerfinger at 5:02 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
You reach a point where you'd rather not have to (and shouldn't have to) contort yourself to say something, as well as wanting to have have occasional family gatherings that are reasonably peaceful and free of angry, belligerent family members. Not everyone is a rational recipient to what is usually the best course of action and sometimes avoiding certain things not only does the greatest good for the greatest number of people, but is also potentially the only reasonable option available.
posted by triggerfinger at 5:02 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
I like Roger Ackroyd's and Honey-Barbara's replies. Another option might be, "I'm not really into these all-night debauches much. But y'all have a good time." No need to dredge up all the hurt feelings, just claim lame and move on.
If you get pressed into attending, there's no shame in having the one beer and ducking out early. Leave him to his douche-bro friends.
As you get older your tolerance for dealing with people you dislike or doing things you don't want to do diminishes. Husbunny and I were just talking about how great it would be to be ninety when it's socially acceptable to say, "I don't wanna," and no one gets upset.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:12 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
If you get pressed into attending, there's no shame in having the one beer and ducking out early. Leave him to his douche-bro friends.
As you get older your tolerance for dealing with people you dislike or doing things you don't want to do diminishes. Husbunny and I were just talking about how great it would be to be ninety when it's socially acceptable to say, "I don't wanna," and no one gets upset.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:12 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
Stomach flu. They come on quick, only last 24 hours (give or take), and no one wants to be around you when you have one. Honesty is not worth the drama in this situation.
posted by amro at 5:13 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by amro at 5:13 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Why would you go celebrate the wedding of someone you resent, despise and look down on?
posted by RJ Reynolds at 5:42 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by RJ Reynolds at 5:42 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
This sounds like a perfect excuse to schedule a trip (real or fake) out of town.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:43 AM on January 13, 2016
posted by Dip Flash at 5:43 AM on January 13, 2016
Never underestimate the slyness of self-absorbed jerks. If you say you can't make a particular date (so sorry, have fun, see you at the wedding), he may change the date to spite, um, accommodate you (and give the knife and extra twist for your disinvited brother).
In your position, I'd go but ask my wife to call/text me with an "emergency" (the busted pipe excuse above is a great idea) maybe an 1.25 hrs in so I had a concrete exit strategy and very little tab to contribute to.
posted by smirkette at 5:46 AM on January 13, 2016
In your position, I'd go but ask my wife to call/text me with an "emergency" (the busted pipe excuse above is a great idea) maybe an 1.25 hrs in so I had a concrete exit strategy and very little tab to contribute to.
posted by smirkette at 5:46 AM on January 13, 2016
How much younger is this brother? Is an email saying "Dude, I love you, but I am too old for this shit, so let me take you out for some beers when you're back from the honeymoon" an option? You've definitely already tipped your hand by not responding to emails, and there's existing drama with the other brother; he knows something's up and calling out sick will not fly without a hullabaloo. Otherwise, arriving exactly on time, having a single beer, and saying "I'm gonna let you enjoy the party with your friends - I'm getting too old for this shit!" and ducking out is probably your best option.
posted by juniperesque at 5:53 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by juniperesque at 5:53 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
Do what you think is right based on your own standards of decency. If you act on what you perceive as his standard, then you're bringing yourself down to his level.
posted by slogger at 6:14 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by slogger at 6:14 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
You don't have to hold a grudge to not go. You can decide to let it go, forgive him for his trespasses, allow him to be the person he is, and still skip out on this. Either you can make up an excuse for Unavoidable Thing that night, or pull a Last Minute Stomach Flu, or ghost his invites, or come out and say you're not interested, but bottom line, you're not under a contractual obligation to (a) go to this bachelor party or even (b) have any relationship with a shitty person.
Right now he's living in your head rent-free. You have the power to politely (politely!) show him the door and repurpose that space for better things in your life. You can do it!
posted by disconnect at 6:31 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
Right now he's living in your head rent-free. You have the power to politely (politely!) show him the door and repurpose that space for better things in your life. You can do it!
posted by disconnect at 6:31 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
Go but leave your wallet at home.
I was going to say essentially this: go, but leave any credit cards at home and bring exactly $40 in cash. And no need to respond to the planning emails.
posted by capricorn at 7:24 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
I was going to say essentially this: go, but leave any credit cards at home and bring exactly $40 in cash. And no need to respond to the planning emails.
posted by capricorn at 7:24 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
This is not an easy question and there is not an easy answer. I know that because I had what sounds like a very similar relationship with my sister. It was frosty and awkward and landmine-ridden at best, and non-existent at worst. Then she died this summer in her early 40s. And I sometimes feel supremely guilty that I didn't do a better job of forgiving her and of trying to be her brother. And then I feel like there was no way that I could have done that even if I tried because she was who she was and I am who I am.
The typical answers of "I'm sorry, that won't be possible" on the one side and of "be honest" on the other are both totally inadequate when you are dealing with all of the past and future years and with the fact that this is your brother and not a neighbor or co-worker.
With all that said, my answer to your actual question of should you give a shit is yes. A wedding (and its bachelor party) are landmark events in a person's memory. If you want to preserve the future relationship, you just have to suck it up and put the other issues aside and be there and celebrate with your brother (or at least feign celebration). You'll have time to work out - or not work out - the core issues. And if you decide to take a stand in the future, you'll have a better chance of getting through if you do it during a neutral time.
Good luck.
posted by AgentRocket at 7:26 AM on January 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
The typical answers of "I'm sorry, that won't be possible" on the one side and of "be honest" on the other are both totally inadequate when you are dealing with all of the past and future years and with the fact that this is your brother and not a neighbor or co-worker.
With all that said, my answer to your actual question of should you give a shit is yes. A wedding (and its bachelor party) are landmark events in a person's memory. If you want to preserve the future relationship, you just have to suck it up and put the other issues aside and be there and celebrate with your brother (or at least feign celebration). You'll have time to work out - or not work out - the core issues. And if you decide to take a stand in the future, you'll have a better chance of getting through if you do it during a neutral time.
Good luck.
posted by AgentRocket at 7:26 AM on January 13, 2016 [5 favorites]
Man, how many emails can you send about a bachelor party? That alone is weird.
But ignoring all communications about the planning may have tipped my hand.
Pick your ratio of response times (one to every five emails?) and respond to one to every five and you're done. Semblance of politeness, not too much burden.
You're married? Something really important is going to be happening to your spouse that night and it came up all of a sudden. That's what partners are for -- to be occasionally get thrown under the bus for this sort of thing.
Well, not entirely. But it's easier to fake someone else's emergency than your own food poisoning for some reason, if lying is the goal. (And it would be here--some people don't earn the truth. They earn a nice delicious lie.)
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:59 AM on January 13, 2016
But ignoring all communications about the planning may have tipped my hand.
Pick your ratio of response times (one to every five emails?) and respond to one to every five and you're done. Semblance of politeness, not too much burden.
You're married? Something really important is going to be happening to your spouse that night and it came up all of a sudden. That's what partners are for -- to be occasionally get thrown under the bus for this sort of thing.
Well, not entirely. But it's easier to fake someone else's emergency than your own food poisoning for some reason, if lying is the goal. (And it would be here--some people don't earn the truth. They earn a nice delicious lie.)
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:59 AM on January 13, 2016
After reading the previous Ask and all the responses there and here, I have to agree that playing the "i'm too old/square for this, go have fun with your friends" is the best of a lot of really crappy options. It's not *really* dishonest, and avoids his trying to accommodate any scheduling conflict excuses. Plus, since you're putting it all on you, there's reduced opportunity for him to take offense.
posted by ApathyGirl at 11:53 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by ApathyGirl at 11:53 AM on January 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I went ahead and told him I'd go. I felt sort of trapped into it. And now he's let me know that oh, btw, it's 90 minutes from you and lasts an entire weekend and here's your cost. I don't necessarily mind kicking in, but considering I'm still sitting on a variety of IOUs from you, including my bachelor party, it feels kind of nickel and dime.
Many people could have done the "You kids have your fun" thing in my shoes, but as a sort of infamously accomplished drinker, that would have been ridiculous in my case.
I'm thinking of playing either the "I can't take a whole weekend away from my family" card or the last minute sick card.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:33 AM on January 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
Many people could have done the "You kids have your fun" thing in my shoes, but as a sort of infamously accomplished drinker, that would have been ridiculous in my case.
I'm thinking of playing either the "I can't take a whole weekend away from my family" card or the last minute sick card.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:33 AM on January 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
How tight is money. I would pay my share but say that I couldn't take the whole weekend away from the family. I would clear with my wife that she was willing to be the proverbial battleaxe in this situation (since she doesn't like him anyways and doesn't care what she thinks) and then I would blame my early departure on her.
If it was in town, I would join them at the first bar, have a slow beer for an hour, buy a round of shots and then get out of there. The destination thing is a little harder, but I would seriously be considering the merits of a train/cab combo to avoid spending the night.
He'll never be able to say you weren't there, and that's the important part.
FWIW, I've pulled the last-minute-sick card to get out of things of roughly this level before and I still feel like a dick about it years (or decades) later. Making a token appearance is much more dignified.
posted by 256 at 2:43 PM on January 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
If it was in town, I would join them at the first bar, have a slow beer for an hour, buy a round of shots and then get out of there. The destination thing is a little harder, but I would seriously be considering the merits of a train/cab combo to avoid spending the night.
He'll never be able to say you weren't there, and that's the important part.
FWIW, I've pulled the last-minute-sick card to get out of things of roughly this level before and I still feel like a dick about it years (or decades) later. Making a token appearance is much more dignified.
posted by 256 at 2:43 PM on January 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
I went ahead and told him I'd go. I felt sort of trapped into it. And now he's let me know that oh, btw, it's 90 minutes from you and lasts an entire weekend and here's your cost.
Actually, IIRC you have a young kid. It's totally reasonable for you to say that you can't take the whole weekend off. It's very unfair on your partner. And it's not what you signed up for.
Can you meet them for dinner on the first night or at the bar or whatever, and then opt out on the rest?
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:06 PM on January 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
Actually, IIRC you have a young kid. It's totally reasonable for you to say that you can't take the whole weekend off. It's very unfair on your partner. And it's not what you signed up for.
Can you meet them for dinner on the first night or at the bar or whatever, and then opt out on the rest?
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:06 PM on January 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by koroshiya at 9:32 PM on January 12, 2016 [10 favorites]