Dating someone that doesn't want the same things in the future
January 12, 2016 8:02 PM Subscribe
How to figure out if I should keep dating him?
I've been dating this guy I meet on OKC since October. It has gone pretty fast, we see each other 2-3 times a week. He's funny, cute, sweet, honest, and we're very similar and have very similar values. He's a really good companion and I'm very attracted to him. He's very conscientious, self aware and considerate, and surprisingly mature, and treats me nice.
the thing is he keeps mentioning things like not wanting kids and not wanting to get married and moving to a different city once he finishes grad school. i don't get the feeling that he wants to build something together.. at least not until at least a year and a half from now. He says these things off handedly, not when we're in the middle of a serious conversation, and it kind of takes the romance out of it a bit. His parents had an ugly divorce so it seems like he's traumatised by the idea of marriage and babies.
About a month after we began dating, he called to tell me he believed he didn't have time for anything other than a casual relationship and he wanted me to know that. I appreciated his honesty and said that unfortunately I don't do casual relationships so that night we decided to just be friends. But then two days later he called and said he couldn't stand not talking to me, so he wanted to try dating for real. I agreed and we talked it out and since then (about 3 months ago) we've been exclusive.
I'm 27 and more and more I'm starting to feel that I do want to get settled with someone and eventually I do want kids but I'm nowhere near being ready for that right now. I don't know if he says he doesn;t want commitment because he's scared, or because he's actively trying to push me away. But what I'm wondering is, knowing what I know should I continue to date him even though we don't seem to want the same things in the future? or is it better to cut it off before deeper feelings develop? I mean I'm not planning to get married and start popping out babies ASAP, but I feel wary of getting more emotionally involved with someone who isn't looking for a real relationship. On the other hand, we get along so well, and it's fun to be with him. He cheers me up, treats me nice and makes me laugh really hard so it seems stupid to end the relationship.
Thoughts?
I've been dating this guy I meet on OKC since October. It has gone pretty fast, we see each other 2-3 times a week. He's funny, cute, sweet, honest, and we're very similar and have very similar values. He's a really good companion and I'm very attracted to him. He's very conscientious, self aware and considerate, and surprisingly mature, and treats me nice.
the thing is he keeps mentioning things like not wanting kids and not wanting to get married and moving to a different city once he finishes grad school. i don't get the feeling that he wants to build something together.. at least not until at least a year and a half from now. He says these things off handedly, not when we're in the middle of a serious conversation, and it kind of takes the romance out of it a bit. His parents had an ugly divorce so it seems like he's traumatised by the idea of marriage and babies.
About a month after we began dating, he called to tell me he believed he didn't have time for anything other than a casual relationship and he wanted me to know that. I appreciated his honesty and said that unfortunately I don't do casual relationships so that night we decided to just be friends. But then two days later he called and said he couldn't stand not talking to me, so he wanted to try dating for real. I agreed and we talked it out and since then (about 3 months ago) we've been exclusive.
I'm 27 and more and more I'm starting to feel that I do want to get settled with someone and eventually I do want kids but I'm nowhere near being ready for that right now. I don't know if he says he doesn;t want commitment because he's scared, or because he's actively trying to push me away. But what I'm wondering is, knowing what I know should I continue to date him even though we don't seem to want the same things in the future? or is it better to cut it off before deeper feelings develop? I mean I'm not planning to get married and start popping out babies ASAP, but I feel wary of getting more emotionally involved with someone who isn't looking for a real relationship. On the other hand, we get along so well, and it's fun to be with him. He cheers me up, treats me nice and makes me laugh really hard so it seems stupid to end the relationship.
Thoughts?
A relationship can be really good in a lot of ways but not right in other key ways. He doesn't have to be a jerk to be wrong for you; he can, in fact, be really fun to be around and treat you nice and still, unfortunately, not be the right guy for you.
When in doubt, take people at their word.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:10 PM on January 12, 2016 [4 favorites]
When in doubt, take people at their word.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:10 PM on January 12, 2016 [4 favorites]
Best answer: If it were me, I would enjoy the moment and worry about future theoretical conflicts in the future. I would casually mention that there is a desire to one day get married and have kids in case he sees it as a deal breaker, but otherwise, I would mention it and then not worry about it until later.
With the above bus analogy, it depends on if you are trying to get to Florida or to a specific place in Florida. I have general places I would like to be, but I never pigeon hole myself into a specific vision. If my goal was a good relationship, I would get on this bus, if my goal was a good relationship that should lead to marriage and kids, I would think twice.
posted by AugustWest at 8:14 PM on January 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
With the above bus analogy, it depends on if you are trying to get to Florida or to a specific place in Florida. I have general places I would like to be, but I never pigeon hole myself into a specific vision. If my goal was a good relationship, I would get on this bus, if my goal was a good relationship that should lead to marriage and kids, I would think twice.
posted by AugustWest at 8:14 PM on January 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
Waiting around in the hope that someday he'll end up wanting the same things you want is a waste of both your time and his. End it now and you have a good chance of remaining friends.
And/or, have a very unromantic, adult, clothes-on, sober discussion. "This is what I want, person I am dating," you say, without compromising or hedging what it is exactly you want, "this is 100% of what I want in my life. Are you on board with that?"
And if the answer isn't "HELL YES LET US DO THOSE THINGS," it is No.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:15 PM on January 12, 2016 [18 favorites]
And/or, have a very unromantic, adult, clothes-on, sober discussion. "This is what I want, person I am dating," you say, without compromising or hedging what it is exactly you want, "this is 100% of what I want in my life. Are you on board with that?"
And if the answer isn't "HELL YES LET US DO THOSE THINGS," it is No.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:15 PM on January 12, 2016 [18 favorites]
Would you consider moving to another city with this person?
He might get over the commitment thing, or he might not. You might fall desperately in love and hurt each other anyway: relationships don't protect you from having feelings.
But the odds are pretty high that a grad student who stays in academia will move multiple times after graduation. And it sounds like moving is a decision that will come up in the next year or so, if you stay together.
posted by yarntheory at 8:25 PM on January 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
He might get over the commitment thing, or he might not. You might fall desperately in love and hurt each other anyway: relationships don't protect you from having feelings.
But the odds are pretty high that a grad student who stays in academia will move multiple times after graduation. And it sounds like moving is a decision that will come up in the next year or so, if you stay together.
posted by yarntheory at 8:25 PM on January 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
I don't know if he says he doesn;t want commitment because he's scared, or because he's actively trying to push me away.
He doesn't want commitment because he doesn't want commitment. Don't second guess him, believe what he says.
I don't mean to sound callous, but I wasted waaay too much time on guys like this. Believe me, if someone is interested in you, they'll let you know. You won't have any doubt about it. Even if he was the kind of person who did really like you but you could never really tell - is that the kind of person you want to end up with? Or would you rather end up with someone who was an enthusiatic YES from the get-go? There are so many guys out there who will love you and want to be with you, and you will have no question in your mind about it. Trust me on this. Trying to hang onto people like this guy only causes more pain in the long run. And to add insult to injury, you'll let the other good guys pass you by while you're trying to get the attention of this one. Let him go.
posted by triggerfinger at 8:29 PM on January 12, 2016 [11 favorites]
He doesn't want commitment because he doesn't want commitment. Don't second guess him, believe what he says.
I don't mean to sound callous, but I wasted waaay too much time on guys like this. Believe me, if someone is interested in you, they'll let you know. You won't have any doubt about it. Even if he was the kind of person who did really like you but you could never really tell - is that the kind of person you want to end up with? Or would you rather end up with someone who was an enthusiatic YES from the get-go? There are so many guys out there who will love you and want to be with you, and you will have no question in your mind about it. Trust me on this. Trying to hang onto people like this guy only causes more pain in the long run. And to add insult to injury, you'll let the other good guys pass you by while you're trying to get the attention of this one. Let him go.
posted by triggerfinger at 8:29 PM on January 12, 2016 [11 favorites]
Sorry, re-reading my comment makes it sound like I think he's a bad guy and I don't. I'm sure he's a great guy, I just think you want very different things and he seems uncertain for whatever reason. There are other guys out there who have all the attributes that this guy has but also want the same things that you do. I think you should find those guys.
posted by triggerfinger at 8:36 PM on January 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by triggerfinger at 8:36 PM on January 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
It depends how much time you're happy to waste, if any at all. If you're not desperate to meet the man of your dreams right now and are happy to have some casual fun with the idea it probably won't go anywhere, go for it. But if you want your next relationship to lead to marriage and kids, this guy is already telling you who he is.
My story started off similarly to yours, in that I started seeing a man who told me he just wanted a casual thing about a month in. I pulled the pin and told him I wanted a real relationship and walked away with the idea we would never see each other again. I moved interstate right after, so that was a given. He actually actually changed his mind and decided he wanted to be more serious and so we started dating for real, albeit long distance. Five months in, he asked what I wanted from us and I told him my ideal was to be married with kids. He agreed he wanted the same thing with me, so we knew barring any major roadblocks, where we were heading. Six months later he proposed, and then wedding, kids, blah blah blah.
Now this sounds like your dream, but the difference between me and you is that with my relationship, we had very upfront clear conversations about what we wanted and where we stood. And I was happy to walk away if I didn't get them because I was ready for the real deal, I had no interest in waiting in vain for a man who told me flat out he only wanted something casual. I believed him, and me walking away wasn't game playing, I left.
When he changed his mind, he showed me. He flew across the country every two months. He moved his entire life for my career, and I for his. This is the kind of commitment you need to see in a potential life partner. Now it's early days for you two but he's already telling you who he is. Believe him.
posted by Jubey at 8:38 PM on January 12, 2016 [10 favorites]
My story started off similarly to yours, in that I started seeing a man who told me he just wanted a casual thing about a month in. I pulled the pin and told him I wanted a real relationship and walked away with the idea we would never see each other again. I moved interstate right after, so that was a given. He actually actually changed his mind and decided he wanted to be more serious and so we started dating for real, albeit long distance. Five months in, he asked what I wanted from us and I told him my ideal was to be married with kids. He agreed he wanted the same thing with me, so we knew barring any major roadblocks, where we were heading. Six months later he proposed, and then wedding, kids, blah blah blah.
Now this sounds like your dream, but the difference between me and you is that with my relationship, we had very upfront clear conversations about what we wanted and where we stood. And I was happy to walk away if I didn't get them because I was ready for the real deal, I had no interest in waiting in vain for a man who told me flat out he only wanted something casual. I believed him, and me walking away wasn't game playing, I left.
When he changed his mind, he showed me. He flew across the country every two months. He moved his entire life for my career, and I for his. This is the kind of commitment you need to see in a potential life partner. Now it's early days for you two but he's already telling you who he is. Believe him.
posted by Jubey at 8:38 PM on January 12, 2016 [10 favorites]
On the other hand, we get along so well, and it's fun to be with him. He cheers me up, treats me nice and makes me laugh really hard so it seems stupid to end the relationship.
This was me 7 years ago - you need to sit down and have an honest, unflinching conversation with yourself about which of the the things that you differ on are negotiable for you, and which is likely to leave you feeling unfulfilled, bitter, or cheated in the long run.
I decided to leave - it was very, very hard, and sometimes I still miss her and regret it, but I think it was probably the right choice.
posted by ryanshepard at 8:51 PM on January 12, 2016
This was me 7 years ago - you need to sit down and have an honest, unflinching conversation with yourself about which of the the things that you differ on are negotiable for you, and which is likely to leave you feeling unfulfilled, bitter, or cheated in the long run.
I decided to leave - it was very, very hard, and sometimes I still miss her and regret it, but I think it was probably the right choice.
posted by ryanshepard at 8:51 PM on January 12, 2016
This guy is telling you what his future plans are in a frank and open way without even being on the spot and saying what he thinks you want to hear.
You should listen to him.
posted by Sara C. at 8:52 PM on January 12, 2016 [10 favorites]
You should listen to him.
posted by Sara C. at 8:52 PM on January 12, 2016 [10 favorites]
You want marriage and a partner you can raise kids with at some point, but does it need to be your current partner? If yes, then you should break up because he has made it quite clear he does not want those things. If, on the other hand, you say "Yes, I want marriage/kids, but I like being with this person in the meantime, and I am fine knowing that this is not going to last forever," then keep doing what you're doing. The bit to worry about is entering into a situation where he says "I don't want X" and you keep pushing and hoping he'll eventually want X. Don't let your happiness depend on your partner changing.
posted by deathpanels at 8:54 PM on January 12, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by deathpanels at 8:54 PM on January 12, 2016 [5 favorites]
Even if there was an internal conflict raging in him that wanted to strive for commitment but didn't feel comfortable to, you have to understand that some people cannot make themselves that vulnerable to make it happen to be with you, not only long as possible but to build a life with you.
I am reminded on my 2yr anniversary today how convinced my husband and I were that we would be going to 2 different schools 5 hours away, thus making our relationship seem like it was bound to have an expiration date. I remember how many sacrifices I had to make sneaking out to go on dates when frankly, I had no idea that I would eventually marry this person but you know what? I made those sacrifices and took those risks. We, independently of each other, decided to stay in our town and attend the local university.
My husband took many sacrifices and risks. When my parents could have scared him with their traditional expectations of marriage, he could have ran away. When my depression, anxiety, and PMDD got so unbearable, he could have just said ended the relationship.
We did have to face many shit storms that most couples don't face in the first year but those were such make it or break it times that it brought to light how commuted we were to be with each other.
I don't want you to have a make it or break moment for you to realize this guy is not as invested in the relationship.
My husband and I didn't always have the same stances on the future but we were always honest and willing to discuss the differences together because we just knew that differences aside, we wanted this person in our life so we have made our incompatibilities processes to work through. We put it in the hard work.
Your guy is telling you he's not going to be vulnerable enough to try to build a life with you and thus he's not going to put in the hard work.
This doesn't make him a bad guy but you won't have a good relationship wanting the outcome of your lives heading in different directions.
I want the best for you, OP, and I hope you get it even though the process may be painful but then that takes vulnerability and some hard work too.
posted by thischarmingirl at 9:09 PM on January 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
I am reminded on my 2yr anniversary today how convinced my husband and I were that we would be going to 2 different schools 5 hours away, thus making our relationship seem like it was bound to have an expiration date. I remember how many sacrifices I had to make sneaking out to go on dates when frankly, I had no idea that I would eventually marry this person but you know what? I made those sacrifices and took those risks. We, independently of each other, decided to stay in our town and attend the local university.
My husband took many sacrifices and risks. When my parents could have scared him with their traditional expectations of marriage, he could have ran away. When my depression, anxiety, and PMDD got so unbearable, he could have just said ended the relationship.
We did have to face many shit storms that most couples don't face in the first year but those were such make it or break it times that it brought to light how commuted we were to be with each other.
I don't want you to have a make it or break moment for you to realize this guy is not as invested in the relationship.
My husband and I didn't always have the same stances on the future but we were always honest and willing to discuss the differences together because we just knew that differences aside, we wanted this person in our life so we have made our incompatibilities processes to work through. We put it in the hard work.
Your guy is telling you he's not going to be vulnerable enough to try to build a life with you and thus he's not going to put in the hard work.
This doesn't make him a bad guy but you won't have a good relationship wanting the outcome of your lives heading in different directions.
I want the best for you, OP, and I hope you get it even though the process may be painful but then that takes vulnerability and some hard work too.
posted by thischarmingirl at 9:09 PM on January 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
is it better to cut it off before deeper feelings develop
I think so. He likes you, but he's not ready. If you force his hand, he'll eventually resent you. Or, maybe you'll get him to a point where he'll start appreciating the intimacy of commitment, but it'll cost too much, so he marries the one after you, and you'll be the training-wheels girlfriend. She'll have you to thank for getting him there, but you'll have lost a lot of time and gained a lot of heartache. Date older (or someone who's your age but more settled).
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:52 AM on January 13, 2016 [8 favorites]
I think so. He likes you, but he's not ready. If you force his hand, he'll eventually resent you. Or, maybe you'll get him to a point where he'll start appreciating the intimacy of commitment, but it'll cost too much, so he marries the one after you, and you'll be the training-wheels girlfriend. She'll have you to thank for getting him there, but you'll have lost a lot of time and gained a lot of heartache. Date older (or someone who's your age but more settled).
posted by cotton dress sock at 1:52 AM on January 13, 2016 [8 favorites]
On the other hand, we get along so well, and it's fun to be with him. He cheers me up, treats me nice and makes me laugh really hard so it seems stupid to end the relationship.
Sounds like good friend material.
I'd say don't invite anxiety and deficit into your intimate life and hopes for the future.
posted by honey-barbara at 3:23 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
Sounds like good friend material.
I'd say don't invite anxiety and deficit into your intimate life and hopes for the future.
posted by honey-barbara at 3:23 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
why in the world would you get on a bus where the sign says "Sarasota" when you're trying to get to Hollywood?
This. A million times.
I joined AskMetafilter for a similar issue and the one thing I've gathered from this site is that you should always believe what people tell you about themselves. So if this guy says he's not ready for a long term commitment, there is your answer.
posted by Kwadeng at 4:30 AM on January 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
This. A million times.
I joined AskMetafilter for a similar issue and the one thing I've gathered from this site is that you should always believe what people tell you about themselves. So if this guy says he's not ready for a long term commitment, there is your answer.
posted by Kwadeng at 4:30 AM on January 13, 2016 [4 favorites]
I've told this story here before and I'll tell it again.
My cousin went on a first date with a guy. As they sat down she said, "I just want you to know that I'm interested in being married and having children. I have no idea if you're the guy for that, but if that's not what you want, it's best to know that now so we don't waste each other's time." The guy gulped and said, "That's what I want too." Then they dated and married and have kids.
The point is that she was tired of auditioning for guys hoping they'd pick her. Instead she made it the threshold for a date that the guy wanted the same thing in life.
You're dating this guy hoping he'll change his mind. Do you want to tie yourself up for the next year and a half with a perfectly pleasant guy who has told you in no uncertain terms that this is temporary?
Instead of playing on his terms, play on yours. "I'm interested in dating someone who eventually wants to marry and have a family. As great as you are, you're not that guy. I wish you well and I'm off to find that man." Or you could say, "Since I'm interested in meeting a man to marry and have a family with, I'm going to date other guys while I see you." That way he gets to see you, and you him, but you're moving on with your plans. If you're scoffing right now, then you're hoping that this guy will change his mind on a fundamental truth in his life. What are the odds of that happening?
Either way, don't tie yourself down to this guy, unless you're perfectly okay with him leaving you next year for the next part of his life.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:34 AM on January 13, 2016 [8 favorites]
My cousin went on a first date with a guy. As they sat down she said, "I just want you to know that I'm interested in being married and having children. I have no idea if you're the guy for that, but if that's not what you want, it's best to know that now so we don't waste each other's time." The guy gulped and said, "That's what I want too." Then they dated and married and have kids.
The point is that she was tired of auditioning for guys hoping they'd pick her. Instead she made it the threshold for a date that the guy wanted the same thing in life.
You're dating this guy hoping he'll change his mind. Do you want to tie yourself up for the next year and a half with a perfectly pleasant guy who has told you in no uncertain terms that this is temporary?
Instead of playing on his terms, play on yours. "I'm interested in dating someone who eventually wants to marry and have a family. As great as you are, you're not that guy. I wish you well and I'm off to find that man." Or you could say, "Since I'm interested in meeting a man to marry and have a family with, I'm going to date other guys while I see you." That way he gets to see you, and you him, but you're moving on with your plans. If you're scoffing right now, then you're hoping that this guy will change his mind on a fundamental truth in his life. What are the odds of that happening?
Either way, don't tie yourself down to this guy, unless you're perfectly okay with him leaving you next year for the next part of his life.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:34 AM on January 13, 2016 [8 favorites]
Nthing the above answers about listening to him and taking him at his word about what he wants, but also, it's okay to stop thinking about the time you've spent with the guy as "wasting your time." That's not true at all! It sounds like you've had a wonderful time with him. That's not a waste.
posted by juniperesque at 5:57 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by juniperesque at 5:57 AM on January 13, 2016 [3 favorites]
So, first, don't assume people are lying to you or misguided or confused when they're telling you pretty clearly what they do/don't want. He's telling you HIS truth, so take that at face value and believe him.
Second, I would think about how you'll feel in a year-and-a-half if he does go through with the move and you guys break up. Is it like a bittersweet thing where you're happy about the times you had but sad to see him go? Or a pissed off thing, like why did I waste 2-1/2 years of my life?! If you're happy to have the time you have together but okay with it not going further, then I'd say stay together -- I've definitely had relationships like that, and as long as we were both fine with it, it was a lot of fun and not a bad thing at all. But if you think that scenario is just going to leave you pissed off and broken hearted, then I would end it now before you fall even harder for him.
Finally, you say this dude is in grad school and likely to move afterward. Obviously there are different kinds of grad school, but if he's in a PhD program and looking for an academic job, just be aware that the reality is he will need to be open to moving almost anywhere and may need to relocate a few times (for post-docs, visiting professor gigs, etc.) My husband and I have made this work, but it is NOT EASY and requires a lot of commitment on both sides (as well as a flexible career on the part of the non-academic person). Even aside from everything else you've written here, this is something to think seriously about going forward.
posted by rainbowbrite at 9:22 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
Second, I would think about how you'll feel in a year-and-a-half if he does go through with the move and you guys break up. Is it like a bittersweet thing where you're happy about the times you had but sad to see him go? Or a pissed off thing, like why did I waste 2-1/2 years of my life?! If you're happy to have the time you have together but okay with it not going further, then I'd say stay together -- I've definitely had relationships like that, and as long as we were both fine with it, it was a lot of fun and not a bad thing at all. But if you think that scenario is just going to leave you pissed off and broken hearted, then I would end it now before you fall even harder for him.
Finally, you say this dude is in grad school and likely to move afterward. Obviously there are different kinds of grad school, but if he's in a PhD program and looking for an academic job, just be aware that the reality is he will need to be open to moving almost anywhere and may need to relocate a few times (for post-docs, visiting professor gigs, etc.) My husband and I have made this work, but it is NOT EASY and requires a lot of commitment on both sides (as well as a flexible career on the part of the non-academic person). Even aside from everything else you've written here, this is something to think seriously about going forward.
posted by rainbowbrite at 9:22 AM on January 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: His parents had an ugly divorce so it seems like he's traumatised by the idea of marriage and babies.
Their divorce was quite likely preceded by years of dysfunction & stress and so he may well be traumatised by the idea of marriage and babies. I sure am. And it's not just being scared about trusting a relationship. Childhood stress can cause physiological changes that have ongoing affects.
You say he's self-aware - I agree, with his comments about not wanting marriage he is demonstrating this. Believe him. It was tremendously freeing to realise that I didn't have to have a long term relationship.
He sounds like a really great guy but if you're wanting to settle down he's probably not the right one for you. Doesn't mean you can't enjoy being together now.
posted by kitten magic at 5:31 PM on January 14, 2016
Their divorce was quite likely preceded by years of dysfunction & stress and so he may well be traumatised by the idea of marriage and babies. I sure am. And it's not just being scared about trusting a relationship. Childhood stress can cause physiological changes that have ongoing affects.
You say he's self-aware - I agree, with his comments about not wanting marriage he is demonstrating this. Believe him. It was tremendously freeing to realise that I didn't have to have a long term relationship.
He sounds like a really great guy but if you're wanting to settle down he's probably not the right one for you. Doesn't mean you can't enjoy being together now.
posted by kitten magic at 5:31 PM on January 14, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
Or to put it another way: why in the world would you get on a bus where the sign says "Sarasota" when you're trying to get to Hollywood? Sure, the driver might be nice and might change their mind, but it's not how the smart money bets.
posted by Andrhia at 8:08 PM on January 12, 2016 [39 favorites]