Help me understand socialization at work.
January 9, 2016 6:05 AM Subscribe
I've started a new job that I really like within the last few months, and I really really want to do well there. I've had problems making friends at work in the past, and I want to avoid social weirdness if at all possible in this new job. I'm not super great at social rules and understanding "culture." How do I find these things out? What are the universal rules of socializing at work, if any?
Possibly relevant information: This is a fairly large technology company, with several thousand employees. The people who work here vary widely in age and are generally very kind nerdy types like me.
I am talking way down to the very basics. Like, when do I greet people? Should I do it every day when I first see them? How do you get to know people within a department? When is it ok to ask someone to lunch and how do I do it in a work-appropriate way?
Some people have made it a point to know my name and say hi to me! Should I try harder with those people?
Mostly I just feel shy and eat at my desk. I feel pretty clueless. Any help you can provide would be appreciated since at other jobs my failure to make friends has seemed to be a problem.
Possibly relevant information: This is a fairly large technology company, with several thousand employees. The people who work here vary widely in age and are generally very kind nerdy types like me.
I am talking way down to the very basics. Like, when do I greet people? Should I do it every day when I first see them? How do you get to know people within a department? When is it ok to ask someone to lunch and how do I do it in a work-appropriate way?
Some people have made it a point to know my name and say hi to me! Should I try harder with those people?
Mostly I just feel shy and eat at my desk. I feel pretty clueless. Any help you can provide would be appreciated since at other jobs my failure to make friends has seemed to be a problem.
If someone says hi to you, say hi and how are you? Try to notice the times you are getting a hi. Try to eat your lunch in the breakroom. Make small talk about the weather or sledding or that festival last weekend in town before meetings. If someone is in your work group, it is OK to ask them to lunch. Especially in the break room. (If you ask an opposite gender person exclusively and consistently, some may think you have a crush. Ask different people or just don't care when people think.) Or ask folks to tea/coffee for a break!
posted by Kalmya at 6:31 AM on January 9, 2016
posted by Kalmya at 6:31 AM on January 9, 2016
Best answer: The number one super basic tip is to make eye contact and say "hi" to basically everyone you pass. This will get you surprisingly far even if you don't do anything else.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:31 AM on January 9, 2016 [14 favorites]
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:31 AM on January 9, 2016 [14 favorites]
"... my failure to make friends [at work] has seemed to be a problem."
I question this assumption right away. Do you think you're missing out on opportunities because of it? Do you feel any bad vibes coming from anyone? Or does it just feel sort of lonely?
My own feeling is that work is a place primarily for casual acquaintances. Closer friendships come with higher expectations and if you or your new bestie gets promoted and the other doesn't, watch the resentments grow.
Plenty of people eat at their desks, especially in software development. You'll be fitting right in at most places if you do that.
Greeting coworkers with "hi, how are you" really does suffice in most cases. If you're in a conf room waiting for a meeting to start, you could try an opening question about whether they've caught the new Star Wars, the Bruins, or whatever it is that YOU are into. Conversations are much easier to maintain if both people are interested in the subject matter.
At a software shop, 5 out of 10 people are probably not all that great in the social department. You aren't unique. You probably need to experiment a little with how much conversation you want to have.
Also, word of warning: a lot of corporate workplaces aren't very emotionally healthy places. The more you can look at any social interaction in the workplace like a loose coat that you can take off at any time, the better.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 6:36 AM on January 9, 2016 [18 favorites]
I question this assumption right away. Do you think you're missing out on opportunities because of it? Do you feel any bad vibes coming from anyone? Or does it just feel sort of lonely?
My own feeling is that work is a place primarily for casual acquaintances. Closer friendships come with higher expectations and if you or your new bestie gets promoted and the other doesn't, watch the resentments grow.
Plenty of people eat at their desks, especially in software development. You'll be fitting right in at most places if you do that.
Greeting coworkers with "hi, how are you" really does suffice in most cases. If you're in a conf room waiting for a meeting to start, you could try an opening question about whether they've caught the new Star Wars, the Bruins, or whatever it is that YOU are into. Conversations are much easier to maintain if both people are interested in the subject matter.
At a software shop, 5 out of 10 people are probably not all that great in the social department. You aren't unique. You probably need to experiment a little with how much conversation you want to have.
Also, word of warning: a lot of corporate workplaces aren't very emotionally healthy places. The more you can look at any social interaction in the workplace like a loose coat that you can take off at any time, the better.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 6:36 AM on January 9, 2016 [18 favorites]
Something to remember is that most of the people you work with have dealt with other shy, introverted people before. They probably aren't going to write you off as an asshole because you are quiet.
My rule of thumb is to make some acknowledgment when I am passing people in the halls or break room. That could be saying "hi," a smile or a nod. I don't say hello when I feel I would be interrupting - when someone is in a conversation or working. If we are both getting coffee and it's taking a while I'll ask what they did last weekend or if they have plans for the next weekend.
Observe the culture in your office and follow suit in a way that is comfortable for you. Be patient with yourself and remember that other people are mostly caught up in their own minds and not judging you.
posted by bunderful at 6:43 AM on January 9, 2016 [5 favorites]
My rule of thumb is to make some acknowledgment when I am passing people in the halls or break room. That could be saying "hi," a smile or a nod. I don't say hello when I feel I would be interrupting - when someone is in a conversation or working. If we are both getting coffee and it's taking a while I'll ask what they did last weekend or if they have plans for the next weekend.
Observe the culture in your office and follow suit in a way that is comfortable for you. Be patient with yourself and remember that other people are mostly caught up in their own minds and not judging you.
posted by bunderful at 6:43 AM on January 9, 2016 [5 favorites]
Something that has worked well for me is to know the coffee preferences of the people in my immediate area. (I used to keep a cheat sheet on my phone) That way when you get up to get a coffee and your cube mate Bob says, "If you're going to get coffee, could you get me one?", you can say, "Sure, your usual upside-down mocha?" Then people feel like you know something about them. (Just don't be too obvious about it or you'll become the resident coffee gopher)
posted by jet_pack_in_a_can at 7:33 AM on January 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by jet_pack_in_a_can at 7:33 AM on January 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
If your office has a kitchen or water cooler or COFFEE MACHINE or any other place where people tend to congregate in groups in the morning, you should try to be there. Good, subtle ways to start doing this are to bring a big ol nalgene bottle and fill it up every morning. Or nurse a coffee or tea habit. Instead waiting until the area is unpopulated to get your business done, go over when it's full and bustling and just mill around and make smalltalk with folks while you wait your turn. "You have a good weekend?" "Oh man, anybody see last night's Game of Thrones?" "Those shoes are awesome, I've been looking for a pair like that, where'd you get them?" etc. And then, instead of scarpering back to your desk when you do get your coffee, stay there in the group for your first few sips and just hang out. Milk that time for all the social interaction it'll give you.
For lunch, if you want to go out and invite people, head over to their area around whatever typical office lunchtime is and ask. Your approach will be different if you work in an open office vs a cube environment, but it's the same basic thing. If cube, position yourself kind of between two people so it's not like you're asking any one person (which could put them on the spot if they're not friends with you yet and are also a bit socially awkward), but it's like you're asking "everyone" in a controlled way. If open office, go to the end of the row of desks closest to your prime target and ask while looking mostly at your prime target. Just say "I thought I'd check out the taco place on the corner for lunch, anybody want to come? You're asking one person but really inviting anyone. This opens the possibility of being swept into a larger lunch group.
For actually eating lunch, does your office have a lunch area/place with tables? I've worked in places where the norm was absolutely to hide and eat at your desk alone, and I've also worked in places where the norm was to eat at a big table all as a group. I've also worked places where there was no norm and everyone just did their own thing. A good way to start a group dining culture is to find a seating area by a window and sit and eat there. Bring a book. If anyone thinks you're weird for eating somewhere not at your desk, you can always say that you wanted to see some sunshine on this winter day. It also lets you eat "publicly" without thrusting you into a big open lunchroom. Make sure there's at least a couple other seats for people to low-pressure join you if they'd like.
posted by phunniemee at 7:41 AM on January 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
For lunch, if you want to go out and invite people, head over to their area around whatever typical office lunchtime is and ask. Your approach will be different if you work in an open office vs a cube environment, but it's the same basic thing. If cube, position yourself kind of between two people so it's not like you're asking any one person (which could put them on the spot if they're not friends with you yet and are also a bit socially awkward), but it's like you're asking "everyone" in a controlled way. If open office, go to the end of the row of desks closest to your prime target and ask while looking mostly at your prime target. Just say "I thought I'd check out the taco place on the corner for lunch, anybody want to come? You're asking one person but really inviting anyone. This opens the possibility of being swept into a larger lunch group.
For actually eating lunch, does your office have a lunch area/place with tables? I've worked in places where the norm was absolutely to hide and eat at your desk alone, and I've also worked in places where the norm was to eat at a big table all as a group. I've also worked places where there was no norm and everyone just did their own thing. A good way to start a group dining culture is to find a seating area by a window and sit and eat there. Bring a book. If anyone thinks you're weird for eating somewhere not at your desk, you can always say that you wanted to see some sunshine on this winter day. It also lets you eat "publicly" without thrusting you into a big open lunchroom. Make sure there's at least a couple other seats for people to low-pressure join you if they'd like.
posted by phunniemee at 7:41 AM on January 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
Like, when do I greet people? Should I do it every day when I first see them?
When you pass them in the hall, smile and say hi, or just smile. If you pass their cube/desk, don't say hi unless they look up at you (ie, say hi if they're open to interaction, but don't interrupt their work).
How do you get to know people within a department? When is it ok to ask someone to lunch and how do I do it in a work-appropriate way?
One great thing about being new is that you have license to do things like ask people to get lunch/coffee. Just say something like "hey, I'm trying to get to know people in the department, would you like to get lunch this week?" and then follow up by making plans.
Otherwise, one good rule of thumb is to try to talk to people face-to-face (instead of email or chat) when possible. ie, if you have a question, just go talk to the person. One thing to note is that not everyone will like this (though IME most will). If someone is open and friendly when you talk to them in person, great. If they seem grumpy and like they'd rather not talk, that's fine - now you know that person would rather email or chat.
One other thing: observe a lot. How do people socialize in your workplace? Do they do lunch? Happy hours? Chat at the coffee machine? Try to mirror what you see other people doing.
posted by lunasol at 7:44 AM on January 9, 2016 [4 favorites]
When you pass them in the hall, smile and say hi, or just smile. If you pass their cube/desk, don't say hi unless they look up at you (ie, say hi if they're open to interaction, but don't interrupt their work).
How do you get to know people within a department? When is it ok to ask someone to lunch and how do I do it in a work-appropriate way?
One great thing about being new is that you have license to do things like ask people to get lunch/coffee. Just say something like "hey, I'm trying to get to know people in the department, would you like to get lunch this week?" and then follow up by making plans.
Otherwise, one good rule of thumb is to try to talk to people face-to-face (instead of email or chat) when possible. ie, if you have a question, just go talk to the person. One thing to note is that not everyone will like this (though IME most will). If someone is open and friendly when you talk to them in person, great. If they seem grumpy and like they'd rather not talk, that's fine - now you know that person would rather email or chat.
One other thing: observe a lot. How do people socialize in your workplace? Do they do lunch? Happy hours? Chat at the coffee machine? Try to mirror what you see other people doing.
posted by lunasol at 7:44 AM on January 9, 2016 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Say hi and make eye contact. Smile if you can do it without looking forced. Aim for friendly acquaintanceship with people, not deep meaningful connections. If half the people in the office think of you as friendly and the other half have no particular opinion of you, that's basically best realistic case version of success. Make non work conversation on topics that show that you're paying attention, but aren't serious - entertainment media, pets, kids, and hobbies are usually but not always safe.
Don't try and form connections in writing - especially email. Emails should ideally be three sentences or less, anything longer requires a phone call or a face to face, the results of which should then be committed to email. If you have an inter office instant messaging service, try not to use it for anything but the briefest of exchanges if you can - get up and walk over to the other side of the building.
Lunch invitations should initially be casual and off-hand, making it clear that you don't need company but would welcome it, whether or not that's true. "Hey, I'm making a Chipotle run if anyone wants to come." If finances allow, random box of assorted donuts in the morning go a long way. If someone says "Oh maple is my favorite" file that away and make sure there's maple in the next box. Don't try to buy people lunch yet initially, unless they're at least two levels below you on the org chart. Let your boss buy your lunch if the offer is made but don't expect or ask for it.
Walk briskly with your head up. You don't have to stop and make a big deal of acknowledging people, depending on gender and culture the upwards head nod is often sufficient. If you drink coffee, always always always make sure you start a new pot/carafe brewing when you finish the old one. People notice and judge accordingly.
Many people will have a Thing They Do - the guy who wears loud neckties or Hawaiian shirts, the woman who wears chunky earrings or exciting complicated nail decorations, the people who are super into finding new places for takeout. Figure out what their thing is, if you can, and infrequently but periodically make a light comment that shows you're paying attention.
Absorb gossip like a sponge but never ever repeat it or give anything away. Memorize some version of "I don't know lots of things," said with an implicit wink. This is advanced level, if you don't think you can do that then do your best not to hear the gossip.
All of these are basically ways of signaling that you're attentive and human but work focused. There's frequently someone who will be really excited to tell you the local idiosyncrasies - listen but understand you're getting a biased perspective.
I'm serious about the coffee.
posted by PMdixon at 7:53 AM on January 9, 2016 [13 favorites]
Don't try and form connections in writing - especially email. Emails should ideally be three sentences or less, anything longer requires a phone call or a face to face, the results of which should then be committed to email. If you have an inter office instant messaging service, try not to use it for anything but the briefest of exchanges if you can - get up and walk over to the other side of the building.
Lunch invitations should initially be casual and off-hand, making it clear that you don't need company but would welcome it, whether or not that's true. "Hey, I'm making a Chipotle run if anyone wants to come." If finances allow, random box of assorted donuts in the morning go a long way. If someone says "Oh maple is my favorite" file that away and make sure there's maple in the next box. Don't try to buy people lunch yet initially, unless they're at least two levels below you on the org chart. Let your boss buy your lunch if the offer is made but don't expect or ask for it.
Walk briskly with your head up. You don't have to stop and make a big deal of acknowledging people, depending on gender and culture the upwards head nod is often sufficient. If you drink coffee, always always always make sure you start a new pot/carafe brewing when you finish the old one. People notice and judge accordingly.
Many people will have a Thing They Do - the guy who wears loud neckties or Hawaiian shirts, the woman who wears chunky earrings or exciting complicated nail decorations, the people who are super into finding new places for takeout. Figure out what their thing is, if you can, and infrequently but periodically make a light comment that shows you're paying attention.
Absorb gossip like a sponge but never ever repeat it or give anything away. Memorize some version of "I don't know lots of things," said with an implicit wink. This is advanced level, if you don't think you can do that then do your best not to hear the gossip.
All of these are basically ways of signaling that you're attentive and human but work focused. There's frequently someone who will be really excited to tell you the local idiosyncrasies - listen but understand you're getting a biased perspective.
I'm serious about the coffee.
posted by PMdixon at 7:53 AM on January 9, 2016 [13 favorites]
Also, remember that friendships, when they happen, tend to happen organically - they grow over time and because of constant contact. It's small talk and banter and joking everyday that helps you find out who you might click with and who you enjoy talking to. So don't feel bad if they don't happen immediately.
posted by gt2 at 8:37 AM on January 9, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by gt2 at 8:37 AM on January 9, 2016 [4 favorites]
One of the things I've learn in life is that when I'm totally engrossed in something and not really interested in making friends - ironically, I find it really easy to make friends.
But when i try to actively "make friends" - That is hard. Your body language, whether you like it or not, sends out "I'm desperate" signals. Your verbal communication will be strained. This repels people.
The advice I would give you would be: don't have a principle goal of going to work everyday with the aim of making friends. This goal should be secondary. Your main goal should be doing your job the best you can and without having the "I need to make friends, I need to make friends" mindset. Do your job, relax, be nice, be funny but don't try to make friend-making a process.
posted by jacobean at 8:44 AM on January 9, 2016 [3 favorites]
But when i try to actively "make friends" - That is hard. Your body language, whether you like it or not, sends out "I'm desperate" signals. Your verbal communication will be strained. This repels people.
The advice I would give you would be: don't have a principle goal of going to work everyday with the aim of making friends. This goal should be secondary. Your main goal should be doing your job the best you can and without having the "I need to make friends, I need to make friends" mindset. Do your job, relax, be nice, be funny but don't try to make friend-making a process.
posted by jacobean at 8:44 AM on January 9, 2016 [3 favorites]
It honestly is just like Seinfeld's bit where he says we should just say "acknowledge acknowledge" when we walk by someone instead of trying to think up new "how's it going?" "here we are again" "oh it's monday" etc phrases. When you come across someone (in hall, elevator, break area) say hi, other than that don't really sweat it. Seriously. Ricky Gervais also said that the Office was really just about disparate people (as in different) 'treading on the same bit of carpet everyday". If you hit it off with some people (small inside jokes, common interest in ....whatever) then that's great. If not, seriously many people eat alone and prefer it at work. Try not to be too emotionally invested in the friendship part- try to make friends OUTSIDE of work, it's probably better (and less potentially awkward depending on fallout) in the long run.
posted by bquarters at 8:53 AM on January 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by bquarters at 8:53 AM on January 9, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Okay, so here's some stuff that seems to be working for me:
Practicing keeping a slight smile fixed in place at all times during which I don't mind social contact (walking around the office, getting a coffee refill, entering a meeting) so that people learn the difference between that and my serious-business-is-getting-done face (which is just neutral, but it registers as concentrating or busy) when I need to not be chatted at.
In the morning, I give a friendly, life's-pretty-good-isn't-it-but-I-still-can't-wait-until-Friday-don't-you-agree-comrade smile as a greeting rather than say anything unless I've developed a good rapport with a person. This lets them say something if they're up for it, or not, if they're introverted, really shy, or in a crappy mood. For the rest of the day, for anyone I've already greeted, I nod politely. In the last half hour of the day, I get more friendly again. We're all about to escape, isn't that great, haha yeah, what's your evening looking like, oh that sounds cool, etc from there.
Yes, the people who know your name and greet you are a good place to start, but cautiously. Some of the people on the welcome wagon will be the ones who want new allies, or fodder, for office drama. Have opinions, but hold off expressing them to anybody until people start to reveal themselves. It's okay to be shy and sometimes it keeps you from jumping into situations that are hard to undo. For awkward people, when you go into an interaction, it can help to have a specific phrase in mind that will get you out of the interaction when conversation begins to dwindle: need to go ask x about y, time to refill my caffeine, better go make that call I've been putting off, have to make the mailroom cutoff for something I'm shipping out. That way you avoid the "okay... yeah... um... I guess I should... bye" that happens with people you're still getting to know.
About lunch, I prefer to eat alone most of the time and the culture allows it (nobody eats in our break room), but when it's time to be social, what helps is being in the know. Our office is downtown, and I know at least by name every single place to eat within reasonable walking distance. This way I can ask, "hey, do you know if that taqueria is decent? Oh, want to go check it out?" Or if people remark enviously on whatever I've brought back, I can chat them up about it and in a week or two stop by their desk and say "I've been craving another *random delicious food item*, come get one with me" or "let me pick some up for you" if they look overwhelmed with work. If I've cooked my lunch, and someone says it looks/smells awesome, I say I'll bring them some the next time I make it. I don't bake or keep candy at my desk to share or otherwise bring in goodies (the higher up you are, the more you can get away with this), but I will bring in a box of nice tea or a pound of really good coffee for the break room. As long as a couple of people see you carrying it in, that's sufficient.
Search the internal website and ask various people about groups or committees your company may have, such as one for young professionals, intergenerational networking, women's leadership, diversity, volunteering, or personal development. Find out what events they're offering, or how to join. You have skills that would make you a great addition. This is where you're more likely to make real friends, and connections that will help you in your career.
Less directly: My desk area is as nice as it possibly can be, so that people who want to be friendly can compliment it, and it sends the message that I'm there to work. Everything I'm not working on is tucked away, I've brought in a few small plants that are in nice ceramic pots on a desktop shelf, I have no more than one drink container visible at a time (and it sits on a stone coaster), and the containers I keep out to organize clips and such are polished wood and matching. I don't have personal photos visible (a small discreet one can be okay but in general it's a bad idea, for women in particular), but might set out a couple of holiday cards during the appropriate season. Holiday decorating is minimal, but present: a row of pinecones on a shelf, a ridiculously tiny pumpkin. Coats/sweaters, purses, books and bags, cell phone (on silent or vibrate): all hidden away in a drawer. Shit looks put together = I have my shit together.
posted by notquitemaryann at 10:31 AM on January 9, 2016 [4 favorites]
Practicing keeping a slight smile fixed in place at all times during which I don't mind social contact (walking around the office, getting a coffee refill, entering a meeting) so that people learn the difference between that and my serious-business-is-getting-done face (which is just neutral, but it registers as concentrating or busy) when I need to not be chatted at.
In the morning, I give a friendly, life's-pretty-good-isn't-it-but-I-still-can't-wait-until-Friday-don't-you-agree-comrade smile as a greeting rather than say anything unless I've developed a good rapport with a person. This lets them say something if they're up for it, or not, if they're introverted, really shy, or in a crappy mood. For the rest of the day, for anyone I've already greeted, I nod politely. In the last half hour of the day, I get more friendly again. We're all about to escape, isn't that great, haha yeah, what's your evening looking like, oh that sounds cool, etc from there.
Yes, the people who know your name and greet you are a good place to start, but cautiously. Some of the people on the welcome wagon will be the ones who want new allies, or fodder, for office drama. Have opinions, but hold off expressing them to anybody until people start to reveal themselves. It's okay to be shy and sometimes it keeps you from jumping into situations that are hard to undo. For awkward people, when you go into an interaction, it can help to have a specific phrase in mind that will get you out of the interaction when conversation begins to dwindle: need to go ask x about y, time to refill my caffeine, better go make that call I've been putting off, have to make the mailroom cutoff for something I'm shipping out. That way you avoid the "okay... yeah... um... I guess I should... bye" that happens with people you're still getting to know.
About lunch, I prefer to eat alone most of the time and the culture allows it (nobody eats in our break room), but when it's time to be social, what helps is being in the know. Our office is downtown, and I know at least by name every single place to eat within reasonable walking distance. This way I can ask, "hey, do you know if that taqueria is decent? Oh, want to go check it out?" Or if people remark enviously on whatever I've brought back, I can chat them up about it and in a week or two stop by their desk and say "I've been craving another *random delicious food item*, come get one with me" or "let me pick some up for you" if they look overwhelmed with work. If I've cooked my lunch, and someone says it looks/smells awesome, I say I'll bring them some the next time I make it. I don't bake or keep candy at my desk to share or otherwise bring in goodies (the higher up you are, the more you can get away with this), but I will bring in a box of nice tea or a pound of really good coffee for the break room. As long as a couple of people see you carrying it in, that's sufficient.
Search the internal website and ask various people about groups or committees your company may have, such as one for young professionals, intergenerational networking, women's leadership, diversity, volunteering, or personal development. Find out what events they're offering, or how to join. You have skills that would make you a great addition. This is where you're more likely to make real friends, and connections that will help you in your career.
Less directly: My desk area is as nice as it possibly can be, so that people who want to be friendly can compliment it, and it sends the message that I'm there to work. Everything I'm not working on is tucked away, I've brought in a few small plants that are in nice ceramic pots on a desktop shelf, I have no more than one drink container visible at a time (and it sits on a stone coaster), and the containers I keep out to organize clips and such are polished wood and matching. I don't have personal photos visible (a small discreet one can be okay but in general it's a bad idea, for women in particular), but might set out a couple of holiday cards during the appropriate season. Holiday decorating is minimal, but present: a row of pinecones on a shelf, a ridiculously tiny pumpkin. Coats/sweaters, purses, books and bags, cell phone (on silent or vibrate): all hidden away in a drawer. Shit looks put together = I have my shit together.
posted by notquitemaryann at 10:31 AM on January 9, 2016 [4 favorites]
when do I greet people? Should I do it every day when I first see them?
Whenever you pass in the hallway, unless they're talking to someone else as they're walking. Not when you pass by their desk unless they look at you. Basically, whenever somebody looks at you.
I vote against "hi how are you" or "hey how's it going", because those are, technically speaking, questions, and if you're uncertain of your culture that may open a can of worms (or plate of beans, whatever you want to call it). You can find AskMe queries of "am I supposed to answer that?" So I rarely use that as a passing-in-the-hallway greeting. My usual is "Eric! hey, man!" or "hi Ravi!" if we're friends and on a first-name basis, and "g'morning!" or just "hi!" if it's someone in my division/group who I have met but have never worked with. Or just a nod and smile with momentary eye contact for those people or for hallway neighbors who I don't necessarily know at all.
posted by aimedwander at 11:10 AM on January 9, 2016
Whenever you pass in the hallway, unless they're talking to someone else as they're walking. Not when you pass by their desk unless they look at you. Basically, whenever somebody looks at you.
I vote against "hi how are you" or "hey how's it going", because those are, technically speaking, questions, and if you're uncertain of your culture that may open a can of worms (or plate of beans, whatever you want to call it). You can find AskMe queries of "am I supposed to answer that?" So I rarely use that as a passing-in-the-hallway greeting. My usual is "Eric! hey, man!" or "hi Ravi!" if we're friends and on a first-name basis, and "g'morning!" or just "hi!" if it's someone in my division/group who I have met but have never worked with. Or just a nod and smile with momentary eye contact for those people or for hallway neighbors who I don't necessarily know at all.
posted by aimedwander at 11:10 AM on January 9, 2016
About getting to know people, I can totally sympathize; my workplace is not very outgoing, and my previous job had a cafeteria where everyone ate at long tables and talked about nonsense, so it took a while to get used to the sit at your desk culture of my group. (the building has a cafeteria, but my group doesn't use it much).
One thing that helped was deciding to ask questions - "hey Jeff, I hear you're working on project X, would you be willing to take a half hour or so to tell me about it? We can meet in my office, or maybe if you're free over lunch we can talk then?"
posted by aimedwander at 11:15 AM on January 9, 2016
One thing that helped was deciding to ask questions - "hey Jeff, I hear you're working on project X, would you be willing to take a half hour or so to tell me about it? We can meet in my office, or maybe if you're free over lunch we can talk then?"
posted by aimedwander at 11:15 AM on January 9, 2016
Response by poster: To clarify, I am not looking to make deep connections, but I am looking to make the kind of connections that will make working easier and smoother. I am trying to create social goodwill, I guess. I have the kind of job where I need to ask others to share their knowledge all the time, so I need to be "friendly" with lots of folks as best I can.
posted by woodvine at 12:49 PM on January 9, 2016
posted by woodvine at 12:49 PM on January 9, 2016
In technical work, I've gotten great value in cross pollination of ideas over lunch with completely different teams. I just ask people I have friendly experiences with on projects out to lunch every now and then. Sometimes they're not interested but in the majority of the cases they accept.
If you haven't read it, check out How to Make Friends and Influence People. Its techniques can help make you popular and liked. The short version is that if you treat people well and ask them about themselves, they'll likely like you.
posted by Candleman at 1:42 PM on January 9, 2016
If you haven't read it, check out How to Make Friends and Influence People. Its techniques can help make you popular and liked. The short version is that if you treat people well and ask them about themselves, they'll likely like you.
posted by Candleman at 1:42 PM on January 9, 2016
I have the kind of job where I need to ask others to share their knowledge all the time, so I need to be "friendly" with lots of folks as best I can.
On the "asking people to share knowledge" bit - cultivate an attitude of professional humility - being the person who's willing to say "I don't understand, can you explain further?" in a meeting more frequently makes people think well of you than the opposite, particularly if you're generally perceived as competent and organized. Never ever bluff about your level of understanding, it will only come back to bite you. If you're put on the spot in a setting where you don't feel safe saying "I don't know/I don't understand," things like "I'm not 100% on the details, can I get back to you on that after I get back to my desk and review my notes?," or "Sally can speak better to that" are usually OK to say, assuming you will indeed get back to them or that Sally can indeed "speak to" that. (As you may have noticed, I am fluent in corp-speak to the point I will slip into it without noticing. If you want a glossary, memail me. It's kind of a magical thing.)
Especially with people who accumulate internal power by hoarding knowledge like a dragon atop a pile of gold, you can often build rapport by asking for their input in low stakes, low urgency situations. Don't condescend or play dumb, just, "Hey when you get a chance can you confirm my understanding that X means Y and Z happened?" Building this kind of relationship makes it more likely that they will make you a priority when it's high stakes and urgent.
That's really the work related upside to being friendly with people: almost any role at some point requires the person in it to make basically arbitrary priority rankings out of competing requests for time, and if the person in that role likes you, your request is more likely to win. This applies to everyone at every level of the org, admins especially. (The admin[inistrative assistant], known as a secretary in previous decades, is a magical person with dark and mysterious powers. Do not anger them or somehow all your meetings will start getting scheduled for 5pm on Friday. If they like you, things will magically go smoother.)
That said, boss relations: It sounds like you may be in a role with a bunch of dotted lines connected to you on the org chart? The more "unofficial" bosses you have, the more important it is that your on-paper direct supervisor has your back. At some point you will have conflicting dotted line requests, and you will need your direct supervisor to sally forth and do battle on your behalf. You want them to be invested in the outcome of that battle. What it takes for them to have your back depends on the boss: usually the worse quality the boss the chummier you need to be and more aware of making them look good, while at the good end of the spectrum there are managers who are most responsive to independence and being low maintenance, and there are others who want to be kept in the loop and feel like you're getting their input regularly. A term to search for reading material on is "managing upwards." Figure out how your direct supervisor sees the world - do they view their responsibilities as being pointed upwards to the company, downwards to "their people," or just to themselves? What do they prioritize?
When you do have conflicting demands (or more rarely in my experience, someone being "difficult") that need to be resolved by someone higher than you on the org chart, remember that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Be professional about it, but make yourself the top of that person's priority list. Physically going into offices is waaaaaay better than email for this. Don't feel guilty - you have a problem it is their job to solve. You can't do your job until they do their job. You're not whining or being a pest, you're making sure you have clear priorities/adequate resources/a realistic timeline/whatever.
posted by PMdixon at 2:27 PM on January 9, 2016 [3 favorites]
On the "asking people to share knowledge" bit - cultivate an attitude of professional humility - being the person who's willing to say "I don't understand, can you explain further?" in a meeting more frequently makes people think well of you than the opposite, particularly if you're generally perceived as competent and organized. Never ever bluff about your level of understanding, it will only come back to bite you. If you're put on the spot in a setting where you don't feel safe saying "I don't know/I don't understand," things like "I'm not 100% on the details, can I get back to you on that after I get back to my desk and review my notes?," or "Sally can speak better to that" are usually OK to say, assuming you will indeed get back to them or that Sally can indeed "speak to" that. (As you may have noticed, I am fluent in corp-speak to the point I will slip into it without noticing. If you want a glossary, memail me. It's kind of a magical thing.)
Especially with people who accumulate internal power by hoarding knowledge like a dragon atop a pile of gold, you can often build rapport by asking for their input in low stakes, low urgency situations. Don't condescend or play dumb, just, "Hey when you get a chance can you confirm my understanding that X means Y and Z happened?" Building this kind of relationship makes it more likely that they will make you a priority when it's high stakes and urgent.
That's really the work related upside to being friendly with people: almost any role at some point requires the person in it to make basically arbitrary priority rankings out of competing requests for time, and if the person in that role likes you, your request is more likely to win. This applies to everyone at every level of the org, admins especially. (The admin[inistrative assistant], known as a secretary in previous decades, is a magical person with dark and mysterious powers. Do not anger them or somehow all your meetings will start getting scheduled for 5pm on Friday. If they like you, things will magically go smoother.)
That said, boss relations: It sounds like you may be in a role with a bunch of dotted lines connected to you on the org chart? The more "unofficial" bosses you have, the more important it is that your on-paper direct supervisor has your back. At some point you will have conflicting dotted line requests, and you will need your direct supervisor to sally forth and do battle on your behalf. You want them to be invested in the outcome of that battle. What it takes for them to have your back depends on the boss: usually the worse quality the boss the chummier you need to be and more aware of making them look good, while at the good end of the spectrum there are managers who are most responsive to independence and being low maintenance, and there are others who want to be kept in the loop and feel like you're getting their input regularly. A term to search for reading material on is "managing upwards." Figure out how your direct supervisor sees the world - do they view their responsibilities as being pointed upwards to the company, downwards to "their people," or just to themselves? What do they prioritize?
When you do have conflicting demands (or more rarely in my experience, someone being "difficult") that need to be resolved by someone higher than you on the org chart, remember that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Be professional about it, but make yourself the top of that person's priority list. Physically going into offices is waaaaaay better than email for this. Don't feel guilty - you have a problem it is their job to solve. You can't do your job until they do their job. You're not whining or being a pest, you're making sure you have clear priorities/adequate resources/a realistic timeline/whatever.
posted by PMdixon at 2:27 PM on January 9, 2016 [3 favorites]
My thoughts on this are kind of the opposite. Specifically they're my "Don't be annoying" list.
(a) Do not comment on what people are eating, specifically saying stuff like, "is that fattening," "shouldn't you be dieting," "how many calories is that, "omg I could never eat chips" (if someone's eating them in your vicinity), "they're so fattening." Do not food-judge. You can say something looks good, but generally speaking, stay out of people's lunch and snacks. If there is a free table of food, that's okay, but otherwise let someone offer you their food, don't just take it.
(b) if someone's farting or burping or inadvertently making a noise once in awhile. Everybody does it, you don't need to point it out like you're a six-year-old.
(c) If someone say, takes headache pills a lot or something, don't go calling them out loudly about "you doing that AGAIN?" That's none of your business!
(d) Use headphones and do your best to be quiet overall so that other people can think. Take off your headphones periodically to see if someone else can hear what you're listening to. And if you're in my office, you probably shouldn't blast them too loud anyway because people will interrupt you.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:21 PM on January 9, 2016
(a) Do not comment on what people are eating, specifically saying stuff like, "is that fattening," "shouldn't you be dieting," "how many calories is that, "omg I could never eat chips" (if someone's eating them in your vicinity), "they're so fattening." Do not food-judge. You can say something looks good, but generally speaking, stay out of people's lunch and snacks. If there is a free table of food, that's okay, but otherwise let someone offer you their food, don't just take it.
(b) if someone's farting or burping or inadvertently making a noise once in awhile. Everybody does it, you don't need to point it out like you're a six-year-old.
(c) If someone say, takes headache pills a lot or something, don't go calling them out loudly about "you doing that AGAIN?" That's none of your business!
(d) Use headphones and do your best to be quiet overall so that other people can think. Take off your headphones periodically to see if someone else can hear what you're listening to. And if you're in my office, you probably shouldn't blast them too loud anyway because people will interrupt you.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:21 PM on January 9, 2016
Oh yeah, and it's polite to ignore that someone's making a personal call as long as they're not doing it very loudly or all the time. You can't get privacy, but at least you can manage to not be a nosy parker about it.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:23 PM on January 9, 2016
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:23 PM on January 9, 2016
Best answer: There is a book by Brenda Smith Myles called, "The Hidden Curriculum." It is intended for students with Aspergers but has good tips for anyone. Also, check out "Social Thinking" books by Michelle Garcia Winner. Your local library could probably get them on inter-library loan.
I'm not suggesting you have Aspergers, but both these authors have good strategies for understanding social situations. I have hired both of them to do presentations.
posted by ITravelMontana at 9:44 PM on January 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
I'm not suggesting you have Aspergers, but both these authors have good strategies for understanding social situations. I have hired both of them to do presentations.
posted by ITravelMontana at 9:44 PM on January 9, 2016 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by myselfasme at 6:20 AM on January 9, 2016