Cancer troubles vs relationship troubles?
January 7, 2016 7:07 AM Subscribe
Boyfriend has colorectal cancer and I am starting to struggle to support him as I feel increasingly resentful and like I'm losing my own life to support his. Please help....
Thanks for clicking.
I hope this post doesn't come across as self-centred. I can assure you I really do care about my boyfriend and have done my best to support him.
Boyfriend was diagnosed with colorectal cancer 8 months ago and has since had 3 months of chemo and 5 weeks of chemoradiation. We'd only been together for 7 months beforehand, and both had busy lives - so we were still in the courtship stage, maybe seeing eachother 3/4 times a week.
Since diagnosis, I've been his primary emotional and practical support - we went from dating to seeing eachother pretty much every day. We've been on umpteen weekends away / holidays to help him take his mind off of things. I've missed quite a lot of work to attend every hospital appointment, and worked (ineffectually) from home a lot to be with him whilst he is on chemo etc. I haven't felt able to make plans with friends much, because he didn't want to see them (understandable because he didn't know them well beforehand) so my friendship circle has dwindled, whereas I have seen his friends a lot. I saw my family three times last year even though they live in the same city. Whereas I saw his family many times, for long stints sometimes too.
His family live 3 hours away. I do find them a little funny - they haven't once called me to ask how he is doing, or how I am coping, despite knowing that I have taken a fair amount of the caring away from them. His brother who lives ten mins away has only looked after him for one day.
I don't feel like I really have my own life anymore, and now the year has ended and I've had some time to reflect and away from him I actually feel quite resentful for everything I did. I can't say he's incredibly affectionate to me, and the thanks and appreciation he showed me in the first few months have faded away as he's just come to expect support. Phone convos are unbalanced - they start with his day, and he often forgets to ask how I am.
It's not that I don't want to spend time with him, but I'm tired of making all the effort - I've spent pretty much no time in my own home for 8 months now. I feel like the cancer has unbalanced the relationship, and I don't know how to bring him into my life. I also feel like I don't have much life left.
And there are worries about the future - I'm 31 and want a child, he's a little younger and not going to be able to have one for years to come due to financial and health reasons after everything that has happened. He is 3C too - so there are no guarantees about whether he will be around in a few years.
But I don't feel I can have these serious discussions about the future whilst he is undergoing treatment - it doesn't seem fair. And when we have mentioned those things he says he can't think about them properly right now because of everything that is happening to him. Saying that, we have both agreed that we'd like to live together at some point - at the right time, when this is all over, and he has said he'd like nothing better than to have children. He regularly talks about the kind of house he'd like to have etc, with the implication that I'd be in it. And when I was talking about buying my own flat recently he wanted to contribute financially (which is impossible given his situation!). Oh and we've spoken about marriage in a kind of sideways, 'what kind of wedding would you want' kind of way.
I feel so depressed and exhausted, almost like the last six months is just hitting me. I'm finding it hard to be positive around him. I also feel guilty about feeling resentful, and worried we'll break up when I do love him and would like a future with him. And when I look back at the last eight months, there have still been many moments of joy, closeness and connection. He says the despite everything last year was great for him, because of me. That is kind of amazing.
We're just gearing up for his surgery and last three months of chemo, and this time his parents will help more and housemates will too. So I'm going to have some more time to myself, I think, but I feel like my boyfriend will be odd about this (I've recently moved flats to live with a good friend and he's already expressed that he feels threatened I'll be spending loads of time with her).
Are these feelings of resentment / unbalance normal? I'm guessing they'll go as I make an effort to be more active in my own life over the next few months - does anyone have experience of this?
Also, because I've become so used to seeing him all the time, and I guess as dependent on him as he is on me in a way, I feel insecure that if I back off our relationship will just dwindle. Which is perhaps a sign that I really need more time on my own to feel more grounded in myself anyway. I am generally a bit insecure in relationships, and probably enjoyed the chance to feel like Florence Nightingale if I'm looking at myself in cold, psychoanalytical terms! (I did genuinely feel a huge amount of compassion for him though and just found it impossible to focus on anything but trying to help him for quite some time).
Sorry for the ramble, but any words of wisdom would be really appreciated. How do I feel all this without blaming him unfairly? Is it possible to address the imbalance somehow? Has anyone had a similar experience? I'm pretty sure I need to take responsibility in this now as I know I created this situation too, but I feel like I'll be sad if I do back off and he doesn't chase. Yeah, yeah, I know I have issues. Be gentle.
Thanks for clicking.
I hope this post doesn't come across as self-centred. I can assure you I really do care about my boyfriend and have done my best to support him.
Boyfriend was diagnosed with colorectal cancer 8 months ago and has since had 3 months of chemo and 5 weeks of chemoradiation. We'd only been together for 7 months beforehand, and both had busy lives - so we were still in the courtship stage, maybe seeing eachother 3/4 times a week.
Since diagnosis, I've been his primary emotional and practical support - we went from dating to seeing eachother pretty much every day. We've been on umpteen weekends away / holidays to help him take his mind off of things. I've missed quite a lot of work to attend every hospital appointment, and worked (ineffectually) from home a lot to be with him whilst he is on chemo etc. I haven't felt able to make plans with friends much, because he didn't want to see them (understandable because he didn't know them well beforehand) so my friendship circle has dwindled, whereas I have seen his friends a lot. I saw my family three times last year even though they live in the same city. Whereas I saw his family many times, for long stints sometimes too.
His family live 3 hours away. I do find them a little funny - they haven't once called me to ask how he is doing, or how I am coping, despite knowing that I have taken a fair amount of the caring away from them. His brother who lives ten mins away has only looked after him for one day.
I don't feel like I really have my own life anymore, and now the year has ended and I've had some time to reflect and away from him I actually feel quite resentful for everything I did. I can't say he's incredibly affectionate to me, and the thanks and appreciation he showed me in the first few months have faded away as he's just come to expect support. Phone convos are unbalanced - they start with his day, and he often forgets to ask how I am.
It's not that I don't want to spend time with him, but I'm tired of making all the effort - I've spent pretty much no time in my own home for 8 months now. I feel like the cancer has unbalanced the relationship, and I don't know how to bring him into my life. I also feel like I don't have much life left.
And there are worries about the future - I'm 31 and want a child, he's a little younger and not going to be able to have one for years to come due to financial and health reasons after everything that has happened. He is 3C too - so there are no guarantees about whether he will be around in a few years.
But I don't feel I can have these serious discussions about the future whilst he is undergoing treatment - it doesn't seem fair. And when we have mentioned those things he says he can't think about them properly right now because of everything that is happening to him. Saying that, we have both agreed that we'd like to live together at some point - at the right time, when this is all over, and he has said he'd like nothing better than to have children. He regularly talks about the kind of house he'd like to have etc, with the implication that I'd be in it. And when I was talking about buying my own flat recently he wanted to contribute financially (which is impossible given his situation!). Oh and we've spoken about marriage in a kind of sideways, 'what kind of wedding would you want' kind of way.
I feel so depressed and exhausted, almost like the last six months is just hitting me. I'm finding it hard to be positive around him. I also feel guilty about feeling resentful, and worried we'll break up when I do love him and would like a future with him. And when I look back at the last eight months, there have still been many moments of joy, closeness and connection. He says the despite everything last year was great for him, because of me. That is kind of amazing.
We're just gearing up for his surgery and last three months of chemo, and this time his parents will help more and housemates will too. So I'm going to have some more time to myself, I think, but I feel like my boyfriend will be odd about this (I've recently moved flats to live with a good friend and he's already expressed that he feels threatened I'll be spending loads of time with her).
Are these feelings of resentment / unbalance normal? I'm guessing they'll go as I make an effort to be more active in my own life over the next few months - does anyone have experience of this?
Also, because I've become so used to seeing him all the time, and I guess as dependent on him as he is on me in a way, I feel insecure that if I back off our relationship will just dwindle. Which is perhaps a sign that I really need more time on my own to feel more grounded in myself anyway. I am generally a bit insecure in relationships, and probably enjoyed the chance to feel like Florence Nightingale if I'm looking at myself in cold, psychoanalytical terms! (I did genuinely feel a huge amount of compassion for him though and just found it impossible to focus on anything but trying to help him for quite some time).
Sorry for the ramble, but any words of wisdom would be really appreciated. How do I feel all this without blaming him unfairly? Is it possible to address the imbalance somehow? Has anyone had a similar experience? I'm pretty sure I need to take responsibility in this now as I know I created this situation too, but I feel like I'll be sad if I do back off and he doesn't chase. Yeah, yeah, I know I have issues. Be gentle.
But I don't feel I can have these serious discussions about the future whilst he is undergoing treatment - it doesn't seem fair.
Nothing about cancer is fair. Please have the serious conversation.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:39 AM on January 7, 2016 [11 favorites]
Nothing about cancer is fair. Please have the serious conversation.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:39 AM on January 7, 2016 [11 favorites]
Are these feelings of resentment / unbalance normal? I'm guessing they'll go as I make an effort to be more active in my own life over the next few months - does anyone have experience of this?
In my case, somewhat similar to yours, I didn't feel any resentment toward my spouse when she got sick and I started doing more for her. Even when our relationship broke up, it was for entirely different reasons, and when we were discussing it, we both agreed that it had nothing to do with her health.
Even so, I did feel a lot of guilt about abandoning her with her health issues when we broke up. I think if you care about the person that's going to be inevitable. You should listen to Something Something and find a therapist.
Also, one of the biggest things I learned during/after my divorce is that you have to talk about the stuff that's bothering you, whether you think it's fair or not. That shit just gets worse and worse if you internalize it. Seriously, you need to talk to him.
posted by Huck500 at 7:44 AM on January 7, 2016 [5 favorites]
In my case, somewhat similar to yours, I didn't feel any resentment toward my spouse when she got sick and I started doing more for her. Even when our relationship broke up, it was for entirely different reasons, and when we were discussing it, we both agreed that it had nothing to do with her health.
Even so, I did feel a lot of guilt about abandoning her with her health issues when we broke up. I think if you care about the person that's going to be inevitable. You should listen to Something Something and find a therapist.
Also, one of the biggest things I learned during/after my divorce is that you have to talk about the stuff that's bothering you, whether you think it's fair or not. That shit just gets worse and worse if you internalize it. Seriously, you need to talk to him.
posted by Huck500 at 7:44 AM on January 7, 2016 [5 favorites]
Best answer: -We've been on umpteen weekends away / holidays to help him take his mind off of things.
-I've missed quite a lot of work to attend every hospital appointment, and worked (ineffectually) from home a lot to be with him whilst he is on chemo etc.
-I haven't felt able to make plans with friends much, because he didn't want to see them (understandable because he didn't know them well beforehand) so my friendship circle has dwindled, whereas I have seen his friends a lot.
-I saw my family three times last year even though they live in the same city. Whereas I saw his family many times, for long stints sometimes too.
These are all choices you made. You're erasing your own life so you can take care of him, but you don't have to do that - even if you stay with him, it's not necessary or healthy for you to do that.
Why can't you tell him "I can't go to every single hospital visit" and "I'm going out with my friends tonight" and "I'm going to have dinner with my parents tonight"?
If you don't do this stuff, you WILL break up. You have to start doing it.
But also, this is concerning: I've recently moved flats to live with a good friend and he's already expressed that he feels threatened I'll be spending loads of time with her.
What, does he think you shouldn't be allowed to have friends? Not cool.
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:28 AM on January 7, 2016 [44 favorites]
-I've missed quite a lot of work to attend every hospital appointment, and worked (ineffectually) from home a lot to be with him whilst he is on chemo etc.
-I haven't felt able to make plans with friends much, because he didn't want to see them (understandable because he didn't know them well beforehand) so my friendship circle has dwindled, whereas I have seen his friends a lot.
-I saw my family three times last year even though they live in the same city. Whereas I saw his family many times, for long stints sometimes too.
These are all choices you made. You're erasing your own life so you can take care of him, but you don't have to do that - even if you stay with him, it's not necessary or healthy for you to do that.
Why can't you tell him "I can't go to every single hospital visit" and "I'm going out with my friends tonight" and "I'm going to have dinner with my parents tonight"?
If you don't do this stuff, you WILL break up. You have to start doing it.
But also, this is concerning: I've recently moved flats to live with a good friend and he's already expressed that he feels threatened I'll be spending loads of time with her.
What, does he think you shouldn't be allowed to have friends? Not cool.
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:28 AM on January 7, 2016 [44 favorites]
Best answer: I think it's a big old red flag that he expects you to spend time with him and his family but feels threatened when you show signs of having a life of your own. You've got to carve out some more space for yourself in this relationship, or else you are going to burn out. You can only offer yourself up as empty vessel without any needs of your own for so long before you start to get angry and resentful.
In fact, it sounds like those feelings are already starting for you. Those feelings of anger and resentment don't mean that you are an awful person who needs to become even more selfless and give up even more of your needs for this other person. It means your body is trying to tell you that the path you are on right now is unsustainable. It means you need to start taking better care of yourself if you are thinking about a long-term relationship with this person, because if you don't, this relationship will probably end in anger and bitterness. Your anger and bitterness, that is, because everyone reaches their breaking point eventually, and resentment becomes a poison that you can only keep swallowing for so long.
So talk to him and make it clear that you need a bit more space and you're not breaking up with him (unless that's what you want to do). You just need to re-adjust the balance of how you spend your time a bit. If he reacts in a nasty way to you saying that, then I would seriously consider dumping him, cancer or no cancer.
posted by colfax at 8:37 AM on January 7, 2016 [14 favorites]
In fact, it sounds like those feelings are already starting for you. Those feelings of anger and resentment don't mean that you are an awful person who needs to become even more selfless and give up even more of your needs for this other person. It means your body is trying to tell you that the path you are on right now is unsustainable. It means you need to start taking better care of yourself if you are thinking about a long-term relationship with this person, because if you don't, this relationship will probably end in anger and bitterness. Your anger and bitterness, that is, because everyone reaches their breaking point eventually, and resentment becomes a poison that you can only keep swallowing for so long.
So talk to him and make it clear that you need a bit more space and you're not breaking up with him (unless that's what you want to do). You just need to re-adjust the balance of how you spend your time a bit. If he reacts in a nasty way to you saying that, then I would seriously consider dumping him, cancer or no cancer.
posted by colfax at 8:37 AM on January 7, 2016 [14 favorites]
Best answer: There are two questions you have:
1. My life is unbalanced because I spend a lot of time taking care of my boyfriend, leaving my work and social life hanging. Is it ok to pull back?
2. My boyfriend has cancer and his prognosis is uncertain. Is it ok to ask him his feelings about our future together?
You've been posting questions about this guy since October 2014, meaning you've been in a relationship together for over a year. What has changed since then? Has he said "I love you" yet?
More importantly, do you still love him? You need to figure these two items out before proceeding.
1. My life is unbalanced because I spend a lot of time taking care of my boyfriend, leaving my work and social life hanging. Is it ok to pull back?
The social expectation that women automatically become someone's caregiver is very strong and you have done a wonderful job of it for the past 8 months. But you also have to take care of yourself; it sounds like you're burnt out and alienated from your own friends and family.
It doesn't feel good when his friends or family are not stepping in to help out. You know what? Caregiving is NOT easy and it's so much easier to let someone else do it. Time to force their hand!
When you spend so much time caregiving, it's hard to find time for yourself. Figure out how much time a day or a week you spend doing stuff with/for your boyfriend. Then start carving out a few hours here or there for yourself, just as you would pencil in any hospital appointment for your boyfriend. It doesn't matter what it is, just carve out a few hours for you.
Start telling him a week before, "While I can be with you during X appointment, I won't be able to make it to Z appointment next week with you because I'll be unavailable. Please ask Friend/Family member to go with you." You don't have to specify what it is; be firm about being unavailable. It also puts the responsibility on him to reach out to friends and family to help, after all he is an adult himself.
Script stuff in case he tries to convince you to go:
Him: "Why can't you go with me?"
You: "I'll be unavailable then. Brother or Friend can take you."
Him: "I forgot to ask someone/No one can help me go to Z appointment. Can you skip your thing?"
You: "Babe, we talked about this a week ago how I would be unavailable during Z appointment. You'll need to ask Brother/Friend."
Him: "Can you take me to Z appointment?"
You: "I'm sorry, that won't be possible."
Now you have the time carved out, what recharges you, makes you feel better? Go do those things, not because they'll make you a better caregiver or less resentful of taking care of your boyfriend but because it's fulfilling your needs. Pencil those activities in, they are just as high priority.
Also please look for any therapist who can see you straight away. I regret not starting therapy sooner than I did; sometimes I have a lot of stuff to process but sometimes it is just nice to have regularly scheduled meetings with someone who is paid to hear me talk about what's on my mind. The scheduled meetings also make me feel that they are just as important to attend as with any other obligation.
2. My boyfriend has cancer and his prognosis is uncertain. Is it ok to ask him his feelings about our future together?
I don't feel I can have these serious discussions about the future whilst he is undergoing treatment - it doesn't seem fair. And when we have mentioned those things he says he can't think about them properly right now because of everything that is happening to him.
Ok but:
We've been on umpteen weekends away / holidays to help him take his mind off of things.
If he is feeling good enough to go on holiday and weekend trips with you, then he can have those conversations about Relationship stuff.
he has said he'd like nothing better than to have children. He regularly talks about the kind of house he'd like to have etc, with the implication that I'd be in it.
There is a lot of wishing on what he'd like in the future, but you need more than hearing about where you might be in his plans. You need to know where you will be in his plans.
Planning a family is a big deal. I broke it off with a dude I really really liked because he didn't see himself having kids at all. I didn't want kids right then - still not yet - but I do see them sometime in the future and it was not my responsibility to stay and try/hope to change his mind.
Put it on the table about how you feel about your relationship and what you would like to see happen in the future - kids, marriage, house, whatever with him. You may not know what will happen to him health-wise and he doesn't either, but it's likely he does think about the future where the cancer is remission. Do you factor into his post-cancer life?
posted by mlo at 8:48 AM on January 7, 2016 [4 favorites]
1. My life is unbalanced because I spend a lot of time taking care of my boyfriend, leaving my work and social life hanging. Is it ok to pull back?
2. My boyfriend has cancer and his prognosis is uncertain. Is it ok to ask him his feelings about our future together?
You've been posting questions about this guy since October 2014, meaning you've been in a relationship together for over a year. What has changed since then? Has he said "I love you" yet?
More importantly, do you still love him? You need to figure these two items out before proceeding.
1. My life is unbalanced because I spend a lot of time taking care of my boyfriend, leaving my work and social life hanging. Is it ok to pull back?
The social expectation that women automatically become someone's caregiver is very strong and you have done a wonderful job of it for the past 8 months. But you also have to take care of yourself; it sounds like you're burnt out and alienated from your own friends and family.
It doesn't feel good when his friends or family are not stepping in to help out. You know what? Caregiving is NOT easy and it's so much easier to let someone else do it. Time to force their hand!
When you spend so much time caregiving, it's hard to find time for yourself. Figure out how much time a day or a week you spend doing stuff with/for your boyfriend. Then start carving out a few hours here or there for yourself, just as you would pencil in any hospital appointment for your boyfriend. It doesn't matter what it is, just carve out a few hours for you.
Start telling him a week before, "While I can be with you during X appointment, I won't be able to make it to Z appointment next week with you because I'll be unavailable. Please ask Friend/Family member to go with you." You don't have to specify what it is; be firm about being unavailable. It also puts the responsibility on him to reach out to friends and family to help, after all he is an adult himself.
Script stuff in case he tries to convince you to go:
Him: "Why can't you go with me?"
You: "I'll be unavailable then. Brother or Friend can take you."
Him: "I forgot to ask someone/No one can help me go to Z appointment. Can you skip your thing?"
You: "Babe, we talked about this a week ago how I would be unavailable during Z appointment. You'll need to ask Brother/Friend."
Him: "Can you take me to Z appointment?"
You: "I'm sorry, that won't be possible."
Now you have the time carved out, what recharges you, makes you feel better? Go do those things, not because they'll make you a better caregiver or less resentful of taking care of your boyfriend but because it's fulfilling your needs. Pencil those activities in, they are just as high priority.
Also please look for any therapist who can see you straight away. I regret not starting therapy sooner than I did; sometimes I have a lot of stuff to process but sometimes it is just nice to have regularly scheduled meetings with someone who is paid to hear me talk about what's on my mind. The scheduled meetings also make me feel that they are just as important to attend as with any other obligation.
2. My boyfriend has cancer and his prognosis is uncertain. Is it ok to ask him his feelings about our future together?
I don't feel I can have these serious discussions about the future whilst he is undergoing treatment - it doesn't seem fair. And when we have mentioned those things he says he can't think about them properly right now because of everything that is happening to him.
Ok but:
We've been on umpteen weekends away / holidays to help him take his mind off of things.
If he is feeling good enough to go on holiday and weekend trips with you, then he can have those conversations about Relationship stuff.
he has said he'd like nothing better than to have children. He regularly talks about the kind of house he'd like to have etc, with the implication that I'd be in it.
There is a lot of wishing on what he'd like in the future, but you need more than hearing about where you might be in his plans. You need to know where you will be in his plans.
Planning a family is a big deal. I broke it off with a dude I really really liked because he didn't see himself having kids at all. I didn't want kids right then - still not yet - but I do see them sometime in the future and it was not my responsibility to stay and try/hope to change his mind.
Put it on the table about how you feel about your relationship and what you would like to see happen in the future - kids, marriage, house, whatever with him. You may not know what will happen to him health-wise and he doesn't either, but it's likely he does think about the future where the cancer is remission. Do you factor into his post-cancer life?
posted by mlo at 8:48 AM on January 7, 2016 [4 favorites]
Opinion from married guy here (18 years). I was diagnosed with colon ca. over the summer and have undergone treatment for the past six months and have had a very supportive wife. I have been ACUTELY AWARE of not turning her into a 24/7/365 nurse, because when I NEED her there, I NEED her there. I insist she run around with her girlfriends...I insist that she take our kids on vacation for a week. You're not even married...why isn't he acutely aware of what seems obvious?
Now, with that said, he might be very, very afraid, and you may be the only thing that helps keep his anxiety in check. If that's the case, tell him that you are only a phone call away, but you need to pursue your own work, jobs, life, friends, whatever, or you can't be a good partner to him.
posted by teg4rvn at 9:57 AM on January 7, 2016 [15 favorites]
Now, with that said, he might be very, very afraid, and you may be the only thing that helps keep his anxiety in check. If that's the case, tell him that you are only a phone call away, but you need to pursue your own work, jobs, life, friends, whatever, or you can't be a good partner to him.
posted by teg4rvn at 9:57 AM on January 7, 2016 [15 favorites]
I want to give you props for dealing with an unexpected and difficult situation. I've had family that's had cancer and being on the caretaker side is so hard and exhausting. Its perfectly normal to find that stressful and difficult and considering you didn't really have much time to get to know your partner before his diagnosis, the situation is all the more difficult. You don't have those moments where things were better to lean on when you're stressed.
I suggest you find a support group for people whose SOs have cancer. There are many and you'll find people in them who can relate with the feelings you describe. They're valid feelings; I've felt them and then felt like an awful person for even thinking it for one second which only makes it worse.
I think its important to have the conversations about the future and start taking some time for yourself. You'll be in a better place and will bring more to the moments you are with him if you do. You've done an incredible thing for the past 8 months and taking a step back to take care of yourself too is necessary and important.
posted by GilvearSt at 10:02 AM on January 7, 2016
I suggest you find a support group for people whose SOs have cancer. There are many and you'll find people in them who can relate with the feelings you describe. They're valid feelings; I've felt them and then felt like an awful person for even thinking it for one second which only makes it worse.
I think its important to have the conversations about the future and start taking some time for yourself. You'll be in a better place and will bring more to the moments you are with him if you do. You've done an incredible thing for the past 8 months and taking a step back to take care of yourself too is necessary and important.
posted by GilvearSt at 10:02 AM on January 7, 2016
My friend spent 3 years with a guy with Crohn's disease, taking care of him. He got better and dumped her, in part because she reminded him of those bad times in the hospital. He married someone else 6 months later. So that can happen too. Selfish with cancer is still selfish, and will be selfish after.
posted by omg_parrots at 10:11 AM on January 7, 2016 [19 favorites]
posted by omg_parrots at 10:11 AM on January 7, 2016 [19 favorites]
I have a lot of sympathy for him when it comes to the cancer, but I have little sympathy for how he's treating you. He seems to feel entitled to having your endless help, support, and attention while not concerning himself at all with your emotional and logistical needs. And, his habit of veering into controlling behavior when he sees that your attentions may be focused elsewhere is a major RED FLAG.
His preference for you to burn down your own life so that he can benefit from your time and attention is really troubling.
This isn't OK:
I haven't felt able to make plans with friends much, because he didn't want to see them (understandable because he didn't know them well beforehand) so my friendship circle has dwindled, whereas I have seen his friends a lot. I saw my family three times last year even though they live in the same city. Whereas I saw his family many times, for long stints sometimes too.
This man isn't considering your needs and wellbeing. He's not even considering your need to be thanked for all that you're doing for him. Your anger and resentment about this is your personhood crying out as it's being drowned. I'd gently suggest that, while you love him, he's not treating you with the basic consideration and respect you deserve. Even if he gets better, this way of treating you is unlikely to improve on its own. This relationship isn't even close to being a two-way street (and, even with cancer treatment in the mix, it should be far more reciprocal). It's healthy and good that you're feeling resentful of that.
posted by quince at 12:09 PM on January 7, 2016 [7 favorites]
His preference for you to burn down your own life so that he can benefit from your time and attention is really troubling.
This isn't OK:
I haven't felt able to make plans with friends much, because he didn't want to see them (understandable because he didn't know them well beforehand) so my friendship circle has dwindled, whereas I have seen his friends a lot. I saw my family three times last year even though they live in the same city. Whereas I saw his family many times, for long stints sometimes too.
This man isn't considering your needs and wellbeing. He's not even considering your need to be thanked for all that you're doing for him. Your anger and resentment about this is your personhood crying out as it's being drowned. I'd gently suggest that, while you love him, he's not treating you with the basic consideration and respect you deserve. Even if he gets better, this way of treating you is unlikely to improve on its own. This relationship isn't even close to being a two-way street (and, even with cancer treatment in the mix, it should be far more reciprocal). It's healthy and good that you're feeling resentful of that.
posted by quince at 12:09 PM on January 7, 2016 [7 favorites]
I'm going to say it. You should break up with him. You've posted a lot before about this person and the way they've handled your relationship and nothing has gotten better. Cancer or no cancer, his disease doesn't preclude him from telling you how he feels about you or caring about your emotional health and wellbeing. He does none of these things and actively pushes for you to give up connections and time for yourself which you desperately need.
You seem to be waiting for a time when he will be better and can reciprocate but I would argue that all this period of illness has done is cement his attitude and the actions he will continue to expect from you going forward. Now there's a pattern of you giving everything up for him with nothing being expected from him. Why would you think anything would change, he's not showing concern for you now?
I know the idea of leaving someone with cancer will make you feel like the worst person ever but right now, you're both thinking of him and someone needs to think of you. Looking after yourself and your needs doesn't make you a bad person. And this guy is clearly trying very hard to not make you any promises about the future - he's never given you any indication at all that you'll have a life together. This has nothing to do with his illness and everything to do with him. I think that even if he wasn't sick, these qualities of your boyfriend would have come out - you'd just feel more comfortable pulling the pin and less obliged to stay.
I really feel for you and hope to not read another post about this in a few months. Look after yourself.
posted by Jubey at 1:42 PM on January 7, 2016 [13 favorites]
You seem to be waiting for a time when he will be better and can reciprocate but I would argue that all this period of illness has done is cement his attitude and the actions he will continue to expect from you going forward. Now there's a pattern of you giving everything up for him with nothing being expected from him. Why would you think anything would change, he's not showing concern for you now?
I know the idea of leaving someone with cancer will make you feel like the worst person ever but right now, you're both thinking of him and someone needs to think of you. Looking after yourself and your needs doesn't make you a bad person. And this guy is clearly trying very hard to not make you any promises about the future - he's never given you any indication at all that you'll have a life together. This has nothing to do with his illness and everything to do with him. I think that even if he wasn't sick, these qualities of your boyfriend would have come out - you'd just feel more comfortable pulling the pin and less obliged to stay.
I really feel for you and hope to not read another post about this in a few months. Look after yourself.
posted by Jubey at 1:42 PM on January 7, 2016 [13 favorites]
In my opinion, he's taking advantage of you. The two of you were still very much in the 'getting to know you' part of the relationship when, albeit tragically, he got his diagnosis. He may not even know how he feels about you either, but you're around, and you're willingly giving up your time, your life, to be his caretaker and 'ear'. Just because he has cancer, doesn't mean he's not human, with flaws, and the ability to manipulate this situation would be tempting for anyone.
You're not getting what you need from this relationship, and there's no telling you will in the future; you want a child, for one.
You can't sacrifice yourself and your happiness for someone else, regardless of the difficulty of the situation. His family needs to step in here. You need to step out.
You're not a bad person for feeling this way, or for wanting to leave.
posted by NatalieWood at 2:46 PM on January 7, 2016 [4 favorites]
You're not getting what you need from this relationship, and there's no telling you will in the future; you want a child, for one.
You can't sacrifice yourself and your happiness for someone else, regardless of the difficulty of the situation. His family needs to step in here. You need to step out.
You're not a bad person for feeling this way, or for wanting to leave.
posted by NatalieWood at 2:46 PM on January 7, 2016 [4 favorites]
Just very quickly skimming through your previous questions and there was a response in one of them where it was implied by the poster that your boyfriend's previous relationship was with a wealthy woman where he didn't need a proper job because she funded him. Is this true? The reason I'm asking is because it would be interesting to see if this handsome man you rave about has a history of being supported by women where he doesn't have to give anything back. And here is another crisis where he is the taker, and he's found someone to give, give, give. I don't know, is there anything to it? If so, again, run, run, run.
posted by Jubey at 3:10 PM on January 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Jubey at 3:10 PM on January 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
That growing resentment is important to listen to. Overriding it is basically betraying yourself and erodes your trust in yourself, and that's harder to get over than some other kinds of mistakes.
posted by salvia at 11:00 PM on January 7, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by salvia at 11:00 PM on January 7, 2016 [2 favorites]
I read all of this post and your others related to him. I think he's a grade A schmuck and that you should have kicked him to the curb epochs ago. He's sucking up every bit if your life force, giving little back, and you're letting him.
Let's say he recovers from cancer. He's still the same person who comes back with non-replies when you ask him emotionally vulnerable things like whether he sees you living together ever. Everything is about him and his needs and he continually discounts yours.
If you want to have a child, this is NOT the guy to do it with. You'll be called upon to parent both him and your actual children. If you think he's exhausting now...
Could you see him devoting every waking moment to you if your situations were reversed? Would he stop seeing his friends and family, attend each and every medical appointment, and put all of his hopes and dreams aside while caring for you?
I'd bet extremely good money he wouldn't. Don't bet your heart on it. Do some serious contemplating about why you feel your role in a relationship is only to give and never receive. You deserve better.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 7:40 AM on January 8, 2016 [4 favorites]
Let's say he recovers from cancer. He's still the same person who comes back with non-replies when you ask him emotionally vulnerable things like whether he sees you living together ever. Everything is about him and his needs and he continually discounts yours.
If you want to have a child, this is NOT the guy to do it with. You'll be called upon to parent both him and your actual children. If you think he's exhausting now...
Could you see him devoting every waking moment to you if your situations were reversed? Would he stop seeing his friends and family, attend each and every medical appointment, and put all of his hopes and dreams aside while caring for you?
I'd bet extremely good money he wouldn't. Don't bet your heart on it. Do some serious contemplating about why you feel your role in a relationship is only to give and never receive. You deserve better.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 7:40 AM on January 8, 2016 [4 favorites]
I'd break up with him and help him as a friend when he really needs you there. He's a taker and this predicament merely illustrates that - you're probably with him out of internalized social pressure and would see that, and leave him if he were to recover. There are a lot of other guys out there who come with problems and would need your help. Some of them are giving people, just like you. You can be a good person as well, with another person.
posted by kinoeye at 8:03 AM on January 8, 2016
posted by kinoeye at 8:03 AM on January 8, 2016
Mod note: Final update from the OP:
Hi all, just wanted to post here to say that you were all pretty much right. I think at the time of posting this he was about to have major surgery, and I was in full Florence Nightingale mode seeing him so vulnerable, especially when his family really were not there for him in quite a despicable way after that surgery. I struggled to take your advice because of this; my sympathy levels were just too high in the face of him possibly dying. He was then due three months more of treatment and i'd essentially decided to stick with him through that but to rally more support from his friends, which I was semi-successful at. I was then going to reassess and ask him all of those hard questions again and was gearing up to end the relationship if it didn't improve (it was too easy to blame things on the stress on the situation and I wanted to give us a little time...)posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 2:26 PM on July 12, 2019 [3 favorites]
Then in the April of that year - literally the SAME WEEK he was finishing treatment - my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I ended up caring for him after having been totally drained by the situation with the boyfriend and was honestly just breaking all the way through. I think I was on the edge of a breakdown for most of that time. I didn't have the strength to leave my boyfriend, and he did try to be there for me although not quite with the same level of care and dedication I have shown him. I'm still torn about this, as I honestly think that he was having a bit of a breakdown himself after having blocked out his difficult feelings about cancer during treatment just to get through. I tried to be understanding but over time became more and more angry; which led to lots of arguments and some pretty difficult outbursts particularly from me which I still feel quite embarrassed by.
Dad died, and two months later boyfriend said he needed space. Over the next few months we broke up. I was trying to grieve for dad and at the same felt so rejected by someone I had put so much love into and who, for better or for worse, had been the closest to 'my rock' during that time, even if he was generally quite grumpy and a bit crap. It ended actually quite amicably, but when a month later he told me he'd met someone the week after - a 22 year old 'aspring actress' (he was 31) and that she had 'shown him just how unhappy he was with me' and 'it was just so easy' with her - I flipped, He'd made me feel like a burden the entire time and here he was essentially telling that I had been. I ended up calling him a 'selfish prick' I believe, and he said that he wasn't willing to take my abuse and thought it would be better for us not to speak, even though I had made it abundantly clear that I would really appreciate a monthly check in as I felt very alone after dad died and like ex boyfriend was the only one who really got everything that I'd been through (which was true).
Over a year later, I'm still hurt and angered by this. I also self-destructively blame myself for 'not being fun' and 'looking for the worst' in him, which I know logically given all of your answers is unfair on myself and probably indicative of some serious self esteem issues, but it's where I am. I think my resilience and faith in life is low and that is contributing to this. I have been to therapy, and the latest therapist said she felt I needed to just let go. I'd love to be able to do that.
I'm not going to lie - life is still quite rubbish to be honest. After that I had a year of supporting my little brother who I thought was having severe mental health difficulties but turned out he had a drug addiction...he took my money, time and any energy left. He's now been clean for 40 days and I'm kind of processing everything that has happened. I've lost friendships from just not being in a good place for like, 5 years, and people basically getting tired of me (I have definitely been self-centred and dramatic - just look at my questions), and I don't really know who I am anymore. The amount of time I've spent picking up others' messes and looking after other people means I do not know what to do with my time anymore but sit and mull over the past and feel sad, angry and blame myself for things that were probably not my fault. I'm probably quite depressed to be honest.
On the other hand, there are no immediate traumas to see to, and i'm sure in time things will balance again. I know I need to learn how to do 'self-care' things again like exercise, and hobbies (years ago I was a complete hobby queen). I'm rebuilding family relationships which fell apart during the stress of dad's illness. I live in a nice flat with a lovely housemate and my freelance career is extremely busy and lucrative so I've been able to save quite a bit of money. I'm not necessarily feeling optimistic about the future but I think that will come in time as the belief that 'my life is just a series of traumas' fades.
Thanks everyone for your support during that hard time. I wish I'd taken your advice more seriously, and I beat myself up a lot that I didn't. I hope that one day I won't anymore, and that I'll maybe just focus on the good things that this situation might say about me. I was his and my family's rock through so much, to my own detriment, which I'm still recovering from. But I did it for the right reasons, and saw the best in someone because that is my nature. I'll be more careful next time - see my latest question about current beau! - and try and listen to what you have to say even if it's not what I want to hear.
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I know you don't feel good about having these feelings, but I think they're pretty indicative that this person is not who you want to be with long-term, cancer or not. And being thrust into a caretaker role with someone you don't have really serious feelings for is rough, no doubt. But ultimately I don't think you're doing him any favors by continuing to be his girlfriend while holding all of these negative emotions toward him and his life-threatening diagnosis.
If I were in your shoes I would be in a therapist's office yesterday, trying to figure out if I even want to stay in this relationship. You've been posting about having the same feelings about this same situation for the better part of a year. It's no wonder you feel exhausted and confused. You need some help figuring out what to do and the internet cannot provide it.
posted by something something at 7:17 AM on January 7, 2016 [23 favorites]