Should I confront the man who sexually assaulted me 14 years ago?

January 5, 2016 8:39 AM

When I was 15, my summer camp counselor manipulated me into having sex with him. I got him fired. We now live in the same city and have overlapping social circles. Should I contact him?

I'm asking this question for a friend. Here's what he asked me to submit.

"14 years ago, I attended a summer camp for gay teens. I was 15, my counselor was 21. I was attracted to him, he knew it, and he talked me into having sex with him. I regretted it almost immediately and reported him to the camp's management. He was fired the next day.

Fast forward to last week. I receive a newsletter from a gay-rights charity I volunteer with. It's a profile of one of their members, a little blurb about how working with this charity has inspired him. It's my camp counselor, complete with full name and picture. He writes movingly about his struggle with depression. He says he spent his 20s in a haze of suicidal thoughts and drug abuse. He's happy now, partnered, with a professional job and an active social life.

My question is, do I confront him about what he did to me? We haven't been in any contact whatsoever since we had sex 14 years ago. I've been through therapy, dealt with it, moved on, I'm not holding on to any anger about this.

My thinking is, since we both volunteer for this charity, and live not only in the same city but the same neighborhood, that we're bound to run into each other. I'd rather meet him deliberately, to talk through what happened, than randomly see him at some fundraiser or at fucking Safeway.

My urge to meet him is partly for my own closure, but also to offer him forgiveness. We all do shitty things when we're young and unformed and hurting. I have no desire for an ongoing relationship with him, and I'm not going to report the incident to the charity or his boyfriend.

My question is, should I contact him? Part of me thinks that I should just let sleeping dogs lie, and that I'm being dramatic by dredging all this up. Another part of me thinks that it's important for both of our emotional lives to talk about what happened, and to minimize the chance that we'll run into each other in a public place and have to make excruciating small talk.

I'm especially interested in hearing from people who've confronted someone who has been a powerfully negative influence in their life, and whether they felt better, or worse, afterwards. If you think I shouldn't confront this guy deliberately, how should I manage the interaction if/when I do bump into him?

Thanks!"

posted by Tenzing_Norgay to Human Relations (15 answers total)

I would not confront him. I just get the sense it could end really negatively for both of you.

I don't know if he would respond in any productive way, and my experience is that closure can only come from yourself, and is very unlikely to come from the person you think you need to "give" it to you.

If you run into him you are under NO obligation to make excruciating small talk!
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:43 AM on January 5, 2016 [20 favorites]

Closure - and forgiveness, for that matter - come from within. They are not granted by another person. And the problem with building yourself a narrative in which you graciously provide those things for him as a benevolent gesture is that you have written his role for him, and if he does not live up to it you will likely be devastated and maybe have to re-deal with it if he tries to exploit you further, blames you, holds you responsible for everything that's wrong in his life, etc.

He should have a criminal record and be on a sex offender registry. He shouldn't be allowed to work for charities, particularly if they expose him to children. You were taken advantage of even in his consequences, in which he was quietly fired and not arrested. His life is pretty damn great because he and the camp management took advantage of your naivety. He's gotten his favor from you already.

There will never be an equal ground between you, both in the power that you hold over him because of what you know and the fact that he molested you and got away with it. I think you're better off declaring him invisible and simply ignoring him if you run into him. If that's a problem for him, he can remove himself from the situation.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:51 AM on January 5, 2016 [33 favorites]

I've been through therapy, dealt with it, moved on, I'm not holding on to any anger about this ... My urge to meet him is partly for my own closure, but also to offer him forgiveness.

Perhaps you should return to therapy and explore how you're finding yourself saying that you've "moved on," yet you still seek "closure," as those two things are mutually exclusive and indicative that no, you haven't fully dealt with this and/or there are other issues afoot.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:56 AM on January 5, 2016 [35 favorites]

It sounds as though, while you mention closure, your main purpose here would be to get the initial awkward (possibly horrible) meeting out of the way, so that neither of you would be blindsided by an emotional reaction when, as is very likely, you meet accidentally.

That reasoning makes sense to me, especially since this guy will probably feel strongly regretful, strongly resentful, strongly ashamed, or strongly afraid (of being found out) when he does realize that you are in the vicinity. This is a powerful set of emotions. You probably need some sort of strategy for dealing with this, although I don't know enough about your particular situation to know what would be best.

All I'm saying is that your thinking, that just ignoring this situation, may have some merit. It may be that being _prepared_ to handle the situation casually is a good course (rather than calling him up). Or it might be that making contact preemptively would work well -- or not.

It's great that you've dealt with this for yourself, but there's no telling how this guy is going to handle things. You're right that this merits some thought.

PS - Thanks for not assuming that people who do evil things are intrinsically, continuously, irredeemably evil.
posted by amtho at 9:22 AM on January 5, 2016 [8 favorites]

It sounds like you already confronted him about what he did to you and achieved closure on the matter by getting him fired.

I think if you want to be in control of inevitably running into him, that would be fine. I was raped by someone who lived in the same city as me and had similar interests/social circle/etc. and it terrified me for years. There were neighborhoods I wouldn't visit -- let alone consider living in -- because I knew he lived there or had to go there often. So I definitely feel your pain.

But you're asking us whether you should do this, which makes me think you don't really want to that much. Or that you're deeply unsure about your desire to do this. Which leads me to think maybe doing this is not a great idea.

Re "having to make excruciating small talk", I have a feeling that this guy doesn't want to talk to you, either. What about deciding that if you ever see him, you are going to avoid/disengage/not talk to him at all? Not saying you should choose this over confrontation, but it's not like this is outside your control. I can't think of many situations where you'd be forced together to the extent that you could not choose not to interact.
posted by Sara C. at 9:29 AM on January 5, 2016 [5 favorites]

I seriously doubt that any interaction you have with this person will go the way you expect it to. He may not want to interact with you, his reactions may not be nice, or any of a myriad other things can go wrong.

I would consider getting into counseling to discuss your immediate feelings about your lives overlapping now, and how you want to move forward knowing that this person is in your social circle.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:34 AM on January 5, 2016 [5 favorites]

Well, "offering forgiveness" and "confronting someone" are two very very different things.

When you see him, you hold your head high, act like you have never met him if it's public. If you run into him privately. Same.

Here's my thinking: That charity blurb is real nice. It tells you he has a lot to lose now. Many folks are being vilified for past sexual misconduct and crimes. So, if I were him, I would not know what to make of things if you reached out to me. I would probably entirely ignore you out of fear, even if I desperately wanted to take responsibility and apologize to you.

My only thought is you could have a lawyer contact him on your behalf to pass on a letter of some sort... Nah. Although having a professional between you keeps it professional, it also might look threatening. I also thought of a kind anonymous letter to reach out, or not anonymous - but Lyn Never is right - by having your naïveté taken advantage of, he's already had his one kindness from you.

I'm interested to hear what others say. If I were you, I might find another charity. I don't even think his involvement with a charity speaks that highly of him, TBH. Bad people use charity work as cover. We already know he was a predator. He may still be...?

This brings me to my last and first point: He has a lot to lose, he might not be that reformed, I imagine he would vilify you to others even if you offer forgiveness, just to protect himself. Seriously.

He might think the sex was mutual and you had him fired out of spite. You really don't know, other than 21 year old him took advantage of 14 year old you. On purpose.

Nthing you might want a few therapy sessions. Maybe someone like that has a better ideas than internet strangers how to proceed. Just to repeat, I don't see his charity involvement as a necessarily good thing.
posted by jbenben at 9:36 AM on January 5, 2016 [5 favorites]

your thinking, that just ignoring this situation, may have some merit.

I meant to say something approximately like

'your thinking, that just ignoring this situation might not be the best course, may have some merit'

My impression is that you're not after closure so much as avoiding the unpleasantness of a surprise encounter.
posted by amtho at 9:56 AM on January 5, 2016 [2 favorites]

I hate to bring up this possibility because it was such a big moment in your life, but he may not remember you on sight. For one, you're an adult now and people can change a lot physically from 15 to 29. Two, his consequences were unfortunately not severe and it may not have burned you in his memory as much his offense burned him into yours. That's just part of what makes child sexual abuse so terrible - the victim can't forget what the perpetrator can write off as just another encounter. So the awkward small talk meet up you are envisioning may not happen, which would have its own pain associated for the above reasons.
posted by cecic at 10:32 AM on January 5, 2016 [19 favorites]

2nding cecic. And if you should happen to meet him in the charity offices or at one of their events, and someone introduces the two of you and he holds his hand out to shake yours, well if that were me it might send me into a full blown meltdown.

I think it would be worthwhile to see a therapist for a few sessions to do some role playing and work out how what that sort of scenario might look like for you, and how you might best navigate it. And also to deal with the idea of closure, as mentioned above.
posted by vignettist at 11:30 AM on January 5, 2016 [2 favorites]

My urge to meet him is partly for my own closure

Closure is when you run into him socially, don't talk about it, don't even really talk to him, the world doesn't explode into flames, life goes on, and you rinse and repeat social contact until he's just background wallpaper. As meaningful as the furniture.

Oh man though, I kind of wish I were in your shoes. My favorite way for this to go would be to walk right up to him and say, "Hey, remember me? You raped me when I was 15 and too young to consent, then you were rightfully fired from your job. Now I'm 29. If you so much as look in my direction, I'll kick your fucking teeth in and make sure everyone knows you rape little boys." Then stare at him until he goes away.

How many other little kids did he rape during that time period?

I've confronted people who have harmed me, and I do it pretty regularly for little interactions. Here's how it usually goes. You go up to them and say something in an adrenaline rush of fight-or-flight. However, because we're a civilized society, it's rare for this to devolve to a fistfight so there's just an awkward moment when you're staring at each other, and you've called him an asshole, and he's said, "No I'm not, you're wrong, and I'm awesome, and you're the asshole" and then both people just kind of walk away. Or something else pulls them apart. The problem is that rather than making you feel better, you feel like he's somehow put himself on your level, or you haven't managed to sufficiently smite him, so it feels unsatisfying.

To "win," you'd have to either beat the daylights out of him or get him to skulk away like a wounded animal using just the viciousness/threat of your words or posture. The chances of that happening are only 50% of less in most cases, so it's unlikely to go your way. If you want to try, your best weapon is the threat of exposing him.
posted by omg_parrots at 12:24 PM on January 5, 2016

Very likely he either doesn't remember you or remembers you as "that guy who got him fired". If it's the former, that's crushing. If it's the later he may think 'you're at it again' and react entirely from a perspective of keeping his present position.

If it were me, I'd pop into my therapist for a tune-up session to walk though what I want and how I might get it; With or without this persons involvement. My sense is that is without is the better path.
posted by French Fry at 12:38 PM on January 5, 2016 [1 favorite]

To really win, you'd check the statute of limitations in the state it happened in, you'd be in time, and file charges, to help reduce the chance he'd do it again from this point forward.

And you might even help some of his other victims have the courage to come forward, once they know someone has found the courage to. The more recent number I've heard (from a sexual abuse therapist) is that there is something like 85, on average, molestation "incidents" before they're "caught".
posted by stormyteal at 7:05 PM on January 5, 2016 [3 favorites]

Nope.

If you need closure or feel a need to offer forgiveness, go talk to a councilor or friend.
The fact that you're putting this much energy into thinking about this person indicates to me that you haven't totally put this behind you.
posted by BlueHorse at 7:48 PM on January 5, 2016

No on the confrontation.

If your friend is willing to make a report to the police, maybe he should do that, whether or not he wants to press charges or if the statute of limitations has passed. I'm concerned that this guy is working in charity and has achieved all the markers of upper-middle-class respectability that would allow him to hide in plain sight if he is still a predator.
posted by ziggly at 1:19 PM on January 9, 2016