Ever been asked to be the best man for a not so close friend?

December 14, 2005 8:42 PM

Have you ever been asked to be the best man for a "friend's" wedding and you: 1. Are not really that good friends with the guy anymore. and 2. Have absolutely no type of desire to organize a raunchy style bachelor party and 3. Are not friends at all with his other guy friends so would have a hard and awkward time getting people to come to the bachelor party anyways? Even if not, any advice on how to handle the situation?

If it matters, we're not really that close anymore because I realized the guy can sort of be a big jerk and I view good friendships as a decent mix of give and take. He seems to either take or ignore. Really, my only wish is that he treats his very nice fiancée well and does not treat her like he treats me. And, I'm happily married btw -- so I no love triangle stuff going on either. Also, I doubt I have the heart to say no to this guy. I guess the question is: am I being a good friend by just going through the motion and making him and his fiancée pleased? It sucks because I really wouldn't want the fiancée to think she's marrying sort of a questionable guy and, well, I hate disappointing people.

posted by anonymous to human relations (29 comments total)

It sounds like your only honest response would be to politely decline. You aren't assigned as best man, after all. You're asked. Just say no. A white lie would be appropriate, "I'm busy with work" or similar -- you won't fool anyone, but it's a small courtesy.
posted by cribcage at 9:00 PM on December 14, 2005

Tell him that it's a great honor, but you can't do it, like cribcage said. But make sure to let him know that you're honored or flattered.
posted by interrobang at 9:07 PM on December 14, 2005

You're going through the motions if you do it.

Do the right thing. Suggest his brother, cousin, etc. That he keeps it in his family. Perhaps his brother in law to be. Of course, be very diplomatic - tell him that you think that he has some other family members, that you think ought to come before you as a friend.

And if you have to, blame it on your wife - she won't let you go to the old boys club. etc. etc.
posted by filmgeek at 9:21 PM on December 14, 2005

Yeah he's not thinking clearly if he asked you. It is an honor, but there's gotta be someone closer to his current life that can do the honors. I don't know why some people feel compelled to staff their wedding party with the OLDEST friends they have (instead of the closest) but some do.

"Politely decline" says it well. Sounds like you wouldn't even be that bummed to miss the wedding entirely.
posted by scarabic at 9:31 PM on December 14, 2005

Another "I'm flattered but sorry man, I wouldn't be able to do justice as your best man. I'll kick stranger ass for you if some old enemy of yours shows up and contests your right to your woman but I don't feel qualified to be your best man."

If your aquaintance is the party type, you might consider begging off wrt "I'm married, we would all have more fun if you get your brother/cousin/crazy-friend to work out the particulars of what you're going to get to do before you get hitched."
posted by PurplePorpoise at 9:35 PM on December 14, 2005

I wouldn't blame your wife, just because you'd have to hear him slag on your wife for the rest of your days.
posted by popechunk at 10:03 PM on December 14, 2005

Traditionally the best man has to be single, as the original role of best man was to marry the bride in case the groom is a no-show (at least, that's how the urban legend goes). If you wanted to let him down easy, you could use this as a reason.
posted by tracicle at 10:29 PM on December 14, 2005

Please do not claim to be "busy."

I think you should go through with it. It's not exactly something you can "politely decline" unless you can come up with a damn good reason and are an uncommonly good actor. The easiest, and most appropriate thing to do, is to accept and follow through. He should know that you don't know any of his other friends, ask him, or a close mutual friend, to introduce you to some of them.

If you must decline, please note that none of the suggested lies above are good enough. Something which would physically keep you from being able to do it will be more plausible, given the honour of the job. An illness bad enough to put off your duties as best man would be too elaborate. Maybe you could suddenly have a close dying relative in Australia you need to jet off to be with. Be intensely apologetic.
posted by Count Ziggurat at 11:03 PM on December 14, 2005

I disagree with Count Ziggurat. You should not go through with it. Don't lie, either. Just tell him you aren't comfortable with the responsibility, but you are looking forward to the wedding, and stand firm. I think Miss Manners has dealt with this question five zillion times.
posted by grouse at 12:48 AM on December 15, 2005

Definitely don't go through with it. It's a lot of work to organise, made bearable only by the fact that you're helping out a close friend - not to mention the fact that a speech would be expected with you, and unless you relish the prospect of lying about how much this guy means to you whilst, as is the tendency at weddings, being half cut, back out, and back out now. As politely as you can!
posted by Jon Mitchell at 1:20 AM on December 15, 2005

Don't do it. Decline politely, or tell him to his face that you don't think you're close enough to do that with him any more.

Being the best man unfortunately often means you have to "gee" up everyone else at the party, give speeches at the wedding etc. -- and if the best man is less than 100% motivated, it'll impact on everyone else and spill thru.
posted by badlydubbedboy at 3:24 AM on December 15, 2005

I would have the conversation about what he's after, and then (probably) politely decline.

The thing that no one has mentioned yet is that maybe there's some reason beyond long-term-friend loyalty that he wants you to do this for him. Maybe he doesn't want a raunchy bachelor party but doesn't want to have to say so to another friend - and so you're his out. There's a chance he's reaching out to someone he considers a different level of friend to give him the confidence to have a different kind of relationship with his fiancee than his other male friends would suggest.

Could be anything - but don't dismiss the idea, unlikely as it may be, that your friend isn't mistaken at all about the current state of your friendship and both wants to make some changes and wants to find a "cloaked" way of communicating that to his soon-to-be-wife.
posted by mikel at 4:42 AM on December 15, 2005

Chances are if he really is a jerk he probably doesn't have many close friends and asked you because he probably went down the list of his only "friends" and you were the best choice, either because he does view you as his closest friend or because the others weren't available.

I was once asked to be an usher for someone for similar reasons.

It's a tough situation to be in. Personally, I wouldn't do it. Don't go through the motions, take the roll seriously. If you don't feel like you're at that level of friendship, don't do it. It's like the guy at the office you hardly know asking you to help him move.

In addition to planning the bachelor party you'll also have to make a toast to the bride and groom. Usually the best man will say something about how wonderful their love is and what a great friend he was and blah blah blah. Will you be able to do that?

Just tell him you're honored but you are unable to do it.
posted by bondcliff at 5:47 AM on December 15, 2005

Most best men have no desire to set up a bachelor party. It's work, and organizing, and responsibility. Don't believe the movies or TV.
posted by smackfu at 6:01 AM on December 15, 2005

I was in a similar situation, and ended up giving a bachelor-party-lite.

I drove the guy to Times Square, gave him a paper cup of champagne and a bag of tokens, and pushed him into one of those peep show places.

It was kind of fun, in the end.
posted by StickyCarpet at 6:06 AM on December 15, 2005

Jon Mitchell writes "It's a lot of work to organise"

bondcliff writes "In addition to planning the bachelor party"

I am not saying do it or don't do it, but just a thought: how hard is it to get (from him) a list of people he would like to have in the party, hire a stripper or two, buy some beer and have a couple of hours of wild fun? Not that hard, I'd say.

Anyway if, as you say in the intro, you find the guy to be a selfish jerk, I don't see why you would accept such a role. Remember that after it is all said and done, you will be in the photos and videos and some people (his wife for instance) may expect you to become a part of their life.
posted by nkyad at 6:55 AM on December 15, 2005

I was once asked to be the best man by someone I hardly knew who wanted a bachelor party straight from the movies. I ended up driving him and his friends to a few strip clubs, and gave a really half-assed improvised toast at the wedding. Looking back, I really should have just declined, saving him the disappointment of a lackluster best man, and myself the lingering resentment that far outlasted the marriage.
posted by malocchio at 6:55 AM on December 15, 2005

Definitely don't do it if you're not entirely into it. Being the best man isn't about the bachelor party, although that's part of it; on the big day, making the wedding go smoothly is your and the maid of honor's job. That's a hell of a lot of work for someone who isn't that close to the groom, and not so great for the groom and the bride if your heart's not in it on the big day.

(This is also why nyxie and I aren't having a wedding party at our wedding!)
posted by mendel at 7:12 AM on December 15, 2005

I was "maid of honor" for a friend who had been very close during college (we were roommates). So it sort of made sense that she picked me, BUT . . . after college she fell out with all of our common friends and had a new group of friends that came through her fiancee. To make matters worse, I was studying for the bar that summer (now there's a good excuse) and so didn't have time to devote to planning things and ended up doing a half-ass job. I felt awkard and alone at the wedding and we've never really spoken since. Really ... she lives like a half hour away and I've never seen her kid who was born three years ago. I wish I had just told her that I was too busy. Her sis-in-law was "matron of honor" and she had like ten bridesmaids. I think she kind of got shortchanged with me and would have been better off with someone who was closer and more committed. You can politely decline, and as others have suggested you can get tips on how to do this from a wedding ettiquite guide, or Dear Abby, or Miss Manners etc.
posted by bananafish at 7:24 AM on December 15, 2005

If you must decline, please note that none of the suggested lies above are good enough. Something which would physically keep you from being able to do it will be more plausible...

For the record, as I explained above: The purpose of a white lie IS NOT to be "plausible." It is, as I wrote, a small courtesy. Adults understand the difference between a white lie and dishonesty.
posted by cribcage at 8:13 AM on December 15, 2005

There's a web site called www.etiquettehell.com that has a huge database of wedding disaster stories, a high percentage of which begin with the words, "So and so asked me to be an attendant at his or her wedding and I didn't really want to but I didn't think I should say no...."

Participating in a wedding requires a lot of time, money, and patience. It's only worth doing for a friend you really care about. If you think this guy is a jerk, it's in neither of your best interests that you should be in his wedding, and further, I'd think about minimizing the time I spent with him. Would you really want someone who secretly really didn't like you to make a pretence of friendship?

Say no. Come up with a palatable excuse. Acceptable ones include time, distance, and expense. Run it by someone and rehearse supporting statements in case the guy decides to argue with you.
posted by orange swan at 8:27 AM on December 15, 2005

Nkyad makes a good point. Most of the respondents are acting as if being the best man is some kind of logistical nightmare. It can be if you insist on throwing some Nero-esque bachanal, but it doesn't have to be. For one friend all we did was go to the local tourist trap, (in my case the Florida Keys) hit a bar, flirt with a lot of women, and go sport fishing the next day. The best man made reservations for one room and one boat. That's it. It probably took him 30 minutes if he shopped around for good prices. (It was a fantastic bachelor party.) Adding some stippers might extend the planning to one hour.

The toast can be fairly bland. It doesn't have to reveal any great insight, it will be special simply because it is a toast to the couple on their wedding night.

Mikel also makes a great point. Ask the guy why he chose you. I'm willing to bet he has some fairly good reason (maybe he is upset that you've grown apart and would like to reconcile).

I also think Count Zig's first paragraph is spot on.

Personally I would do it. Many guys like this have very few close friends, and they know it. They know that most people don't like them and that most people think they are jerks. Turning him down would just reinforce that idea, do you really want to do that? Do you want to hurt him (and turning him down will hurt him, rest assured) just to avoid a cople of hours of planning and feeling a little akward while making one toast? Are your feelings of discomfort more important than his wedding day? I would venture to say no.
posted by oddman at 8:27 AM on December 15, 2005

Something else just occured to me. You don't mention this but it is reasonable to assume that the weeding is fairly far way (at least 5-6 months). You could take that time to become reacquanted with him and his fiancee. You could (as Count Zig mentioned) have him introduce you to the rest of the wedding party now. Then go have a few beers with them. Get to know them. Making yourself part of the group could make the wedding a heck of a lot easier and better for everyone.
posted by oddman at 8:49 AM on December 15, 2005

These kinds of situations is what they make alcohol for, man.

Your only real responsibility as a best man is to make sure the groom gets to the church on time. This isn't terribly onerous.

As far as a bachelor party and a toast goes, design them so that they please you, not him. Make them something you'll enjoy.

Weddings are fun, and everyone involved will think better of you for your small part in this one.
posted by ikkyu2 at 9:17 AM on December 15, 2005

Thanks so much for the responses, mefi! (I guess I'm breaking anonymity -- but let's pretend I'm asking for a friend anyways. :))

At any rate, the quality of the responses has easily met this community's reputation for great advice.

Thanks for the database link orange, I'll look into it.

And, say it's really a great option to not go through with it. The problem here is that there's another person involved if you back out: the fiancee . Like I said, she's nice but I guess sort of oblivious to the fact that her husband to be is insensitive and self-centered. At any rate, how will it look to her if the proposed best man, a person this guy has known for 10+ years, just backs out of such request? Will she finally see that see's marrying a frog? Is that really fair to her? I mean, if they've got some happiness with which they want to spend the rest of their life on the planet together sharing, should the best man really be interfering with it? Won't it just cast a strange pall on the wedding?

Perhaps I'm giving the best man more importance than he's worth. But, I think (and my wife) would feel the same if he did it to me (I have a brother which he does not, so I it's not a quid pro quo thing either).

As for reconcilliation -- that's a good point. But, I've tried and that's also a source of the frustration. I leave calls and emails that he does not return. I make plans and ask them to come along but I never even get a yes or no back from them -- I just get completely ignored. And, seriously, why? It'll just happen again.

I appreciate the sentiment that going through the motions does neither the bride and bridegroom or me any help. I understand that it will be fake and empty and perhaps only my wife and I know will understand a double meaning to everything I say or do. But, I'm a good actor and I know I can pull it off with no one knowing anything. I think oddman is right about this point. And, ultimately, why would I even go through it? Because I guess if this guy views me as a friend at any level -- well, I like being the "good guy" and pleasing him.

I think I can get out of the raunchy bachelor party by saying I'm against that stuff and getting some pizza and movies and board games. But, argh!, he'll probably be pissed about that.

Basically, I view it as sad that people can view friendship in such a shallow way. Perhaps it's a part of growing up, but I hate to think so. I have two other guy friends with whom I am continually close -- they are single however.
I've come to the realization that my life is a happier, saner one not worrying about this guy or what he's up to or why he's not more nice to me. Perhaps I'll do this thing and then can go back to what's it been like the last couple years with him -- where he'll never call me for anything unless he needs something and, after the wedding is over, it will probably be for less and less. Moreover, I'll be able to think even less and less often about how good of a friend he was and keep such memories less bittersweet.
Damn. -- I guess I just gotta get that last bit of Holden Caufield in me out and simply not get upset about such stuff.

Thanks again metafilter.
posted by skepticallypleased at 9:39 AM on December 15, 2005

Whatever you decide to do, you may not want to keep holding yourself as personally responsible for the entire happiness of this guy's marriage. The fiancee loves him; if you back out, she will probably think that *you* are the asshole, not him. (In fact, she's unlikely to think that either of you are assholes.) But it's not like you're the one thing holding them together -- let go of some of that pressure on yourself.
posted by occhiblu at 11:13 AM on December 15, 2005

Do you object to that kind of bachelor party in principle or do you just not want to be responsible for planning it? If you don't have a problem with attending such an event (you could always fade into the corner), hand off that responsibility to one of the other groomsmen. Let them plan it and just show up long enough to satisfy social convention, then split.

Of course, if you have some ethical hang-up with a wild party then your are completely excused (from planning or attending).

Finally, the third option (the one you seem to be leaning toward) is maybe the hardest one to pull off. If the rest of the guys are expecting a raucous evening and you greet them with board games, things could get dicey.

In your place I'd go with letting one of the other guys plan the event and showing up just long enough to please everyone, then getting the hell out.
posted by oddman at 1:01 PM on December 15, 2005

Oh and occhiblu makes yet another good point.
posted by oddman at 1:01 PM on December 15, 2005

Is it planning the bachelor party which most bothers you? Like oddman said, it's totally fine for you to delegate that duty off to his other friends, once you've met them. Lots of people like to plan that stuff.
posted by Count Ziggurat at 2:03 PM on December 15, 2005