How has your extended family handled your poly relationship?

January 3, 2016 9:04 AM

Asking for a writing project (not in need of personal guidance). Have you told your parents, siblings, aunts, etc. about your "other" partner(s)? How do you handle family gatherings/occasions, and more importantly, how much or how little have your (or your partners') family accepted it? For lack of a better phrase, what happened when you "came out" as poly?

I've been in a poly & open relationship in the past. My mother & sister didn't find out I was in an open/poly relationship until I broke up with my "primary" partner (at 36) and I had to explain details about moving on and whom I was with after that. They were so happy for the break-up that the poly part of it was barely a speed bump, and things are monogamous again. I hardly had to explain "yes my girlfriend dates other guys and I'm okay with it" or the rest. This is a facet of being poly that I never really had to face.

I'm writing the third book in a series where the protagonists are in a poly relationship and I feel like it's time to address this. It's light, comedic urban fantasy and this is only one small event in a story focusing more on magic and gunfights & nonsense. (Also, it's one straight guy and two bi women, everyone's cis, so I realize this is probably the lightest challenge to a heteronormative mindset.) It's set in modern day Seattle, if that's relevant to anyone--I know quite a few people who are or have been poly here, but obviously that doesn't mean it's widely accepted.

There are plenty of reasons for the family to just roll their eyes and call it a phase or whatever: he's young, both women are a little older, it's all still fairly new. I'm also inclined to let his extended family be relatively accepting of this, or at least being outwardly polite at the first gathering. At the very least, I don't plan to write anyone as (openly) homophobic re: the f/f side of the relationship. But I'm hoping to get a sense of the experiences poly people have had before delving into this.

posted by scaryblackdeath to Human Relations (6 answers total)

My mom's response to me telling her I was now in a relationship with two guys at once: "Do they make you happy?" I said yes. "Well, I'm all for it, then."

(She lived in New Orleans, and was only slightly less nonplussed by me coming out as a trans woman some years back; her response to that was pretty much "huh, I just always figured you were gay or something".)
posted by egypturnash at 10:26 AM on January 3, 2016 [5 favorites]

A friend once said, painfully to me may I add, the she just wanted for me to "not be the third wheel" once w/ reference to my current triad (straight man, two bi women).

That sucked, for reference. And I didn't have the emotional energy to correct her, which is why by and large I don't really talk much about my relationships. Being a walking PSA is exhausting.
posted by Medieval Maven at 10:43 AM on January 3, 2016 [1 favorite]

Almost everyone I've come out to, including family, just does their very best not to think our talk about the fact that there is more than friendship involved. Sigh. It's like I come out, they are startled and worried and ask questions, I reassure them, and then they never bring it up again and just act like my second partner is a good friend.
posted by mkuhnell at 12:20 PM on January 3, 2016 [3 favorites]

My family has known pretty much from the start and has always been pretty accepting, though a lot of that acceptance comes from the fact that we're all pretty deeply weird, my parents are old hippies, and they know they have no room to talk about anyone else's relationships because theirs have been pretty spectacular failures for the most part. They still say dumb stuff about it sometimes, but, y'know, humans. I live across the country from my family so social situations involving them, me, and my partners don't come up very often. My dad, who's known my then-cohabitating partner for a long time, met another one of my partners recently and still didn't really grok who that partner was to me other than "I know he's important to you so I wanted to meet him."

Other charming things my family members have said:

"I don't understand you, but I don't have to, because I love you."

"Y'know, normally I'd be worried about you having a long-term relationship with [then-primary partner] because you started so young and wouldn't get to experience other relationships, but I guess you've got that covered!"

Less-charming things they have said:

"I'm really glad he makes you happy, but I don't think I can meet anyone other than [partner I've already met] because that would be weird."

"You're dating multiple people at the same time? Isn't that just how dating is supposed to work?"

[On seeing photos of partner's-other-partner] "Oh, good, she's not as pretty as you."

"You know, your dad and I used to have other women spend the night with us sometimes..."
posted by rhiannonstone at 12:25 PM on January 3, 2016 [11 favorites]

I've been out as poly to my immediate family since I started being in open relationships. It was never a big deal to them, and they've always taken an "if you're happy, we're happy" stance, which I really appreciate. I think they were a little worried initially that I was being taken advantage of, but they quickly realized that wasn't the case. Some of my monogamous friends ask me lots of questions about how polyamory works, but my family just sort of rolls with it.
posted by thrungva at 5:18 PM on January 3, 2016 [1 favorite]

Most friends and family ask no questions, accept it abstractly with some kindness, and treat it exactly as though I'm in the "pre-commitment" dating-multiple-people phase of the traditional relationship escalator. I've made it clear that this is not the case, but beyond the initial "so this is how things are" conversation, it's never really come up again. Nobody cares.

One (now dead) family member thought it was a dirty secret that I must never tell anyone else (advice I ignored). One thought it was a respectable but impossible idea. Same as with a couple friends: the occasional "that will never work" or "I could never do that". But those are outliers / exceptions. Most people are accepting. More people actually respond by disclosing their own unique relationship arrangements than condemn me for my own.
posted by ead at 8:11 PM on January 4, 2016