Miss him already

December 14, 2005 9:05 AM

My boyfriend just took the graveyard shift. How to make sure our relationship doesn't take too much of a hit.

In the interests of making extra money, my boyfriend of about 5 months signed up for the graveyard shift at his job: 8:30pm to 5:30am, with Tue and Wed and every other Thu off. I, of course have "normal" working hours which coincidentally run 8:30AM to 5:30PM. Which basically means we will have Tue/Wed/every other Thu evenings and maybe a stolen hour here and there on the weekends before he starts work (I assume he will be sleeping most of the day)

Are there any other couples who make this work? How do you make sure your relationship is not just reduced to dinners twice a week? I love just hanging out with him, we enjoy all-day activities or sometimes we'll just watch football for hours. I know it'll be hard for him to adjust life in general to this sort of schedule so I want to be very supportive and not needy, but I still have that little voice that says "what about meeeeee?"

Taking graveyard myself is not an option, I work in an office. We live about 20-30 minutes apart and moving in together is not an option either.

posted by like_neon to human relations (13 comments total)

I'd set up a regular date night that is always yours- something to count on. You also need to make sure you both have your "you" time- to hang out with friends or just be alone. Don't try to steal every minute he's not at work- the man needs to sleep and relax.

Also, is this graveyard shift for only a few months, or is it forever? Having an end date in mind really helps.

I have to say, it's hard. My last boyfriend was a bartender, and the difference in schedules is what finally killed our relationship. Not comforting, I know.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:14 AM on December 14, 2005 [1 favorite]

I've been through similar before and the only good news I have for you is that at least you're not living in the same place. Having differing schedules can be difficult, even if it's slightly different such as evening versus day shifts. Usually the best solution is to synchronize your schedules, so if this is something that's only going to last a fixed amount of time then you at least have a time to look forward to when things are better. In the meantime, you can expect to see each other a great deal less, and that even when you have time off that matches often times he won't want to do anything because he'll be bushed (it takes a while to adjust to grave yard, and even once adjusted it's not always easy).

A good trick to cheer things up is to pop in for surprise visits, share a coffee or break together, or to spend some quality time right before/after a shift begins.

Best of luck!
posted by furtive at 9:17 AM on December 14, 2005

The graveyard shift is indefinite. Since it's a money thing, I'm thinking he might try to change shifts if he got a raise? (although a raise on top of graveyard pay may be tempting to keep) But considering he just started this job I have no idea when that would be.

I definately don't want to come off needy or whiney (cause again, it's a change to his life more than mine), I guess I just want ideas to make the most of the time we do spend together.
posted by like_neon at 10:00 AM on December 14, 2005

The typical schedule for anyone (regardless of hours of the day) is get up, go to work, come home, have a few hours of free time, go to bed. When someone switches to graveyards, there's usually a tendancy to try and preserve that sort of schedule, as well. But compromising - maybe you get up early in the morning to spend time with him before he goes to bed, or he moves his hours of free time to before work so that he's up and able to spend time with you during your free evening hours will allow you to spend more time with him. In other words - try to arrange it so he sleeps while you work, and you sleep while he works, to maximize your 'both awake, both not working' time.

My father used to work swing, and in his two weeks nights, my brother and I used to come home from school for lunch when we could, and he'd make a point of going to my mother's work for awhile (she had a job where this was fine) before he went to work. It wasn't much contact, but even those half hours a day kind of kept us in touch during those weeks.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:02 AM on December 14, 2005

I definately don't want to come off needy or whiney

At the same time, it's not wrong to want to spend time with your boyfriend, and there are ways of asking for his time that are not whiny. If he starts punishing you for wanting to spend time with him (like mine did), that's a serious issue, and don't let him make you feel like it isn't (like mine tried to before I gave him the boot).
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:16 AM on December 14, 2005 [1 favorite]

As a former third shifter one recommendation I would like to make is that, whatever his sleep schedule turns out to be, you respect it as much as possible.

I'm sure you're not one of these people, but for whatever reason lotsa folks think nothing of calling a third shift person at noon to see what's happening. Even if you respond with, "Hey, I was sleeping!", these people respond with something like, "Huh? It's NOON, man!"

Nothing will make someone crazy faster than sleep deprivation. Don't make him skip any more sleep than you're willing to skip, and you'll avoid a lot of resentment.
posted by popechunk at 10:25 AM on December 14, 2005

If he's only got 2, maybe 3, days off a week, he's not going to want to spend them jetlagged by 12 hours every week. It'll be a lot easier on him if he sleeps during the day and stays awake during the night on his days off too. Start looking around for places where you can go out to eat together, him for breakfast and you for dinner.
posted by heatherann at 10:59 AM on December 14, 2005

My husband works graveyards six nights a week (the seventh, he does a second shift and comes home at 11:30 pm). I'm a regular 9-to-5er. The saving grace for us is that he's "sleep-in staff" for group homes, so he's literally going to work to sleep and therefore doesn't have to sleep during the day. I'm assuming that your boyfriend won't have that luxury.

I think I'm lucky in that it's almost always been that way (he's doing a couple more nights now than when we started dating) so we never got in the habit of sleeping in the same bed regularly, or having a "normal" activity schedule. I recently had some health issues that really interrupted my sleep, and at that point I was grateful that I wasn't interfering with his sleep as well.

As far as coping with the situation goes, I'd second PinkSuperhero's recommendation of having a regular "date night"--you should be able to sync up the hours in which you come home and he gets up, I would think. Also, if it's at all possible, arrange to call each other at some point during your (and/or his) work shifts, if you can do so without waking the other? My husband and I have found that it really does matter to check in with each other at some point during the day (or night), just to hear each other's voices and keep track of each other's news.
posted by dlugoczaj at 11:19 AM on December 14, 2005

He thinks he will be the type that sleeps right away after coming home (he's had graveyard shifts before) so hopefully this means he'll be "awaker" in the evenings we are together.

Establishing a constant "date night" sounds good. He knows that I'm personally a creature of routine and I think I'll feel better if I can rely on regular "us" times, even if they reduce in number. Surprise visits won't work though as we both work in secured offices, but the spirit of the suggestion inspires me to try and maybe treat him to "breakfasts" once in a while after I get off work. Who doesn't love breakfast burritos at 7pm?

Thank you all for the suggestions/encouragement. (It feels good to hear a married couple can work it out)
posted by like_neon at 11:38 AM on December 14, 2005

I did this for a while and it worked out OK.

I worked 11 pm - 7 am and my wife worked 8:30 - 5. It helped greatly that I lived close to my job, as there was little time wasted commuting. I'd come home in the morning in time to see my wife briefly before she went to work, I'd then go to bed and sleep, and be up and about around the time she came home. We'd have the evening together, then she would go to bed about the time I left for work. Weekends were a bit harder because of shifting sleep so we could do stuff together in daylight, but I didn't find it too bad usually. We saw about as much of each other as we did when I worked a regular schedule though we were seldom sleeping in our bed at the same time. We got time together and a shared social life, even if our sleep schedules were exactly out of phase; it was odd but not unpleasant.

For a different job I worked 5 pm - 1 am -- that was MUCH worse. We may have slept in the same bed at the same time, but we literally only spoke to each other on the phone or at weekends. I was still asleep when she left for work, and had already left for work by the time she got home. It was really horrible.
posted by Quinbus Flestrin at 11:50 AM on December 14, 2005 [1 favorite]

My husband has been working 5 pm - 1 am three or four nights a week for the last 5 years, so I can understand your concern. The mornings when I kiss his sleeping form goodbye as I leave for work and say "See you tomorrow" are no fun.

I don't know if this will work for your situation, but one thing we've started doing recently is using ICQ (via Trillian) to chat while he's at work. Not constantly, since he does have work to do, just a sentence here or there. Even just knowing that we're both online is comforting. Also, we haven't shared our ICQ numbers with anyone else, so only we know when we are online - no intrusive chat requests from other friends and family!

We also do spend most of our free time together which helps. I like the standing date night idea, I'll have to try that!
posted by platinum at 4:18 PM on December 14, 2005

I found when I had a similar schedule (10:30p-7a Tue-Sat) that it was nearly impossible to maintain any normal relationships. The thing to remember is that he will need to go to the dentist, do laundry and other normal things with his mornings and weekdays off. I was often annoyed that people thought that because we were both awake that I had time for them.

If, as you say, he has experience working overnights before and thinks he can pull it off, I tip my hat to him. I couldn't do it. I made new friends at an all night diner and started dating a waitress who also worked the graveyard.
posted by Megafly at 5:50 PM on December 14, 2005

my wife works 7 pm to 3am, whereas I work a typical 9-5 job. Often I try to go to sleep early so I can be more alert for when she ccomes to bed at 4 or 5 am, after post work unwinding. I usually get to see her after I get home from work for 1-3 hours, as well.

Don't interrupt his sleep patterns. I am militant about keeping the house quiet for my wife during the daytime--including making sure all the phones are turned off, and getting the kid out as much as possible during the daytime.
posted by lester at 6:38 PM on December 15, 2005