Mentors of Mefi: How do I be a better mentee?
December 29, 2015 6:07 PM Subscribe
I think I come across, unintentionally, as a lackluster mentee. I want to be a rock star mentee. Maybe I am just being too hard on myself, but... I also think that my and my mentor's personalities may be ever so slightly incongruous. Not to mention I have a very stressful current-work situation I'm trying to navigate in an effort to make more time for me mentorship. It all makes me feel awkward and insecure.
(As always, please keep in mind that I have ADHD/anxiety and that I see a therapist and take medication for said ADHD/anxiety).
My mentor/mentee details:
We were paired up as mentor and mentee by our professional society.
The mentor is supposed to be (ideally) as local as possible, but he actually lives and works about 100 miles from me. So we haven't met in person.
The mentor is incredibly knowledgeable, well-positioned within the industry, and I can stand to learn a lot from him. (I still have no idea why we were selected for each other, other than his high standing/general expertise and relative proximity to me)
However, I made it clear in my mentorship application that I was going into a 'niche' field, and this person doesn't work directly in that niche. He has a lot of overlapping knowledge and seems to know a lot of people in the industry who he once mentioned he can get me in touch with, and I would totally be okay with the fact that he's not really in my 'niche' field if some of the below were not going on.
Although he is aware of what I currently do for a living and I've mentioned (without whining or going into more than the most minimal detail) the peculiarities of the circumstances I've been working to overcome, I get the feeling he thinks I'm lazy or unmotivated. This is because I can't respond to emails right away, I'm not pounding down his door with all of my accomplishments or lots of emails about things I find or have thoughts about (because I can't sit around and email during my work hours, even if I wanted to; and because by the evenings I'm so stretched thin I have to think about 'me' time at least a little. However, I've been pretty good about responding to emails and initiating emails with new information I find or thoughts I have, so I'm not exactly 'bad' at it- I just don't feel as thorough, competent or confident as other mentees with more experience under their belt might). I still get the feeling he thinks, "Great, how did I manage to get stuck with this dullard." This is because there is a lot of aloofness and elitism among some of the higher-ups in the field... I may also just be projecting my own insecurities.
Almost our entire correspondence has been over over email - we've had two phone calls and neither were in the last two months; he has canceled the last two. He only offers to communicate (setting up phone calls, responding to emails) during his work hours. I have a one hour lunch break, it is at a set time each day, and I cannot change when I take my lunch break. If I schedule to talk with him at my noon lunch break, and a call keeps me on the phone until 12:15, I can start my lunch at 12:15 but now I'm late for our phone call - plus I need at least another 5 minutes to get outside to my car so we can have a private conversation (I don't need my coworkers and superiors to know I'm talking to a mentor in another field). Plus, he is only available until 12:30, it seems, so scheduling it for a few minutes later than 12:15 doesn't really help, either. This all makes me feel frazzled about our interactions/scheduled calls because if I come out of a bad or stressful phone call, it guarantees that I'll be 1) running late for our call, 2) anxious, 3) feel unprepared/forgetful, even if I have everything I need with me, 4) I may not be 'ready to go' once I get to my car, plus I only have my phone so I have to make sure I have any notes or whatever printed out with me from the night before. So I'm sitting in my car, scribbling notes by hand, with no real internet access because I'm using my phone to talk. (Please assume that getting a tablet or laptop or driving somewhere to use wifi is not a possible solution to this problem; I could bore you with the details as to why, but instead just assume it's not a solution.)
I'm really coming at this new field from a disadvantage - I have an advanced degree in the field but little practical experience. I feel like most people in the field I'm entering don't "get" the industry I'm leaving and how suffocating it is, as well as how many late hours it requires me to put in if I don't want to be fired (this is not an exaggeration; it is the culture of the industry and one of the many reasons I'm trying to leave it). My ex was in another branch within the field I'm trying to get into now, and he really, really could not wrap his head around my current industry's draconian culture.
So what is my question?
1. Is it inappropriate for me to say, "Hey. Could we schedule our monthly phone conversation for, 6:30pm? Or a Sunday afternoon? It's only a once-a-month phone call and I could really learn more from you, and give you my full and undivided attention, if we do it at a time in the evening or on a weekend. The spontaneous nature of my current workplace makes it difficult for me to be on time for any meetings scheduled during my work day, even if they're on my lunch break.
2. If it is inappropriate to request a non-working-hours phone call, what do I do instead to make these monthly phone calls feel less stressful and more like something to look forward to? (The mentor is already doing a great job of giving me goals and expectations for each subsequent call/follow-up- unfortunately, since the last two were canceled by him, we haven't gotten very far).*
3. How much agency do I have as a mentee? I know that he's doing me the favor. But what, if any, agency do I have here? What accommodations can I reasonably ask for? Where should a mentee draw the line?
4. How do I, despite all of this insane bullshit I'm trying to juggle, not only tell but show my mentor what I've been doing (or have made plans to do)? How do I get them to believe in me and think "Here's a person with potential?" What are some best practices for mentees? I'm not just talking about what questions to ask (I've gone through all of those) but ways to show initiative, spark and dedication.**
*Please also assume that using my vacation time to leave and go home and have our phone call is not a possibility either; I tried that the last two times and that's when he managed to cancel my appointments. I'm reluctant to use up precious vacation time on something that may not materialize.
**Another good thing to assume is that I can't change my mentor. I really don't see that going over well, professionally or otherwise, and I want to look at this odd mentorship situation as a positive challenge that I can ultimately surmount.
Please MeMail me if you would like more details (I've kept this pretty minimal in personally-identifiable detail for privacy reasons).
(As always, please keep in mind that I have ADHD/anxiety and that I see a therapist and take medication for said ADHD/anxiety).
My mentor/mentee details:
We were paired up as mentor and mentee by our professional society.
The mentor is supposed to be (ideally) as local as possible, but he actually lives and works about 100 miles from me. So we haven't met in person.
The mentor is incredibly knowledgeable, well-positioned within the industry, and I can stand to learn a lot from him. (I still have no idea why we were selected for each other, other than his high standing/general expertise and relative proximity to me)
However, I made it clear in my mentorship application that I was going into a 'niche' field, and this person doesn't work directly in that niche. He has a lot of overlapping knowledge and seems to know a lot of people in the industry who he once mentioned he can get me in touch with, and I would totally be okay with the fact that he's not really in my 'niche' field if some of the below were not going on.
Although he is aware of what I currently do for a living and I've mentioned (without whining or going into more than the most minimal detail) the peculiarities of the circumstances I've been working to overcome, I get the feeling he thinks I'm lazy or unmotivated. This is because I can't respond to emails right away, I'm not pounding down his door with all of my accomplishments or lots of emails about things I find or have thoughts about (because I can't sit around and email during my work hours, even if I wanted to; and because by the evenings I'm so stretched thin I have to think about 'me' time at least a little. However, I've been pretty good about responding to emails and initiating emails with new information I find or thoughts I have, so I'm not exactly 'bad' at it- I just don't feel as thorough, competent or confident as other mentees with more experience under their belt might). I still get the feeling he thinks, "Great, how did I manage to get stuck with this dullard." This is because there is a lot of aloofness and elitism among some of the higher-ups in the field... I may also just be projecting my own insecurities.
Almost our entire correspondence has been over over email - we've had two phone calls and neither were in the last two months; he has canceled the last two. He only offers to communicate (setting up phone calls, responding to emails) during his work hours. I have a one hour lunch break, it is at a set time each day, and I cannot change when I take my lunch break. If I schedule to talk with him at my noon lunch break, and a call keeps me on the phone until 12:15, I can start my lunch at 12:15 but now I'm late for our phone call - plus I need at least another 5 minutes to get outside to my car so we can have a private conversation (I don't need my coworkers and superiors to know I'm talking to a mentor in another field). Plus, he is only available until 12:30, it seems, so scheduling it for a few minutes later than 12:15 doesn't really help, either. This all makes me feel frazzled about our interactions/scheduled calls because if I come out of a bad or stressful phone call, it guarantees that I'll be 1) running late for our call, 2) anxious, 3) feel unprepared/forgetful, even if I have everything I need with me, 4) I may not be 'ready to go' once I get to my car, plus I only have my phone so I have to make sure I have any notes or whatever printed out with me from the night before. So I'm sitting in my car, scribbling notes by hand, with no real internet access because I'm using my phone to talk. (Please assume that getting a tablet or laptop or driving somewhere to use wifi is not a possible solution to this problem; I could bore you with the details as to why, but instead just assume it's not a solution.)
I'm really coming at this new field from a disadvantage - I have an advanced degree in the field but little practical experience. I feel like most people in the field I'm entering don't "get" the industry I'm leaving and how suffocating it is, as well as how many late hours it requires me to put in if I don't want to be fired (this is not an exaggeration; it is the culture of the industry and one of the many reasons I'm trying to leave it). My ex was in another branch within the field I'm trying to get into now, and he really, really could not wrap his head around my current industry's draconian culture.
So what is my question?
1. Is it inappropriate for me to say, "Hey. Could we schedule our monthly phone conversation for, 6:30pm? Or a Sunday afternoon? It's only a once-a-month phone call and I could really learn more from you, and give you my full and undivided attention, if we do it at a time in the evening or on a weekend. The spontaneous nature of my current workplace makes it difficult for me to be on time for any meetings scheduled during my work day, even if they're on my lunch break.
2. If it is inappropriate to request a non-working-hours phone call, what do I do instead to make these monthly phone calls feel less stressful and more like something to look forward to? (The mentor is already doing a great job of giving me goals and expectations for each subsequent call/follow-up- unfortunately, since the last two were canceled by him, we haven't gotten very far).*
3. How much agency do I have as a mentee? I know that he's doing me the favor. But what, if any, agency do I have here? What accommodations can I reasonably ask for? Where should a mentee draw the line?
4. How do I, despite all of this insane bullshit I'm trying to juggle, not only tell but show my mentor what I've been doing (or have made plans to do)? How do I get them to believe in me and think "Here's a person with potential?" What are some best practices for mentees? I'm not just talking about what questions to ask (I've gone through all of those) but ways to show initiative, spark and dedication.**
*Please also assume that using my vacation time to leave and go home and have our phone call is not a possibility either; I tried that the last two times and that's when he managed to cancel my appointments. I'm reluctant to use up precious vacation time on something that may not materialize.
**Another good thing to assume is that I can't change my mentor. I really don't see that going over well, professionally or otherwise, and I want to look at this odd mentorship situation as a positive challenge that I can ultimately surmount.
Please MeMail me if you would like more details (I've kept this pretty minimal in personally-identifiable detail for privacy reasons).
You don't want to give up your " me" time--he might feel exactly the same way. I get many requests a year from people who are new to my field and want to crouch at my feet, drink in my wisdom and experience, but only on their timetable and under their conditions. I usually suggest that they look elsewhere for a mentor.
While I don't think our situations are exactly comparable, I wonder if you might be a bit more flexible with this. Can you Skype or talk earlier in the mornings? To be honest, I don't think you have a ton of agency--what does your mentor receive from this relationship?
Can you perhaps share a document with your questions that your mentor can answer on his own schedule? Or perhaps you can make a very detailed list of things you want to accomplish and the steps necessary to do so, and get his feedback?
posted by Ideefixe at 6:44 PM on December 29, 2015
While I don't think our situations are exactly comparable, I wonder if you might be a bit more flexible with this. Can you Skype or talk earlier in the mornings? To be honest, I don't think you have a ton of agency--what does your mentor receive from this relationship?
Can you perhaps share a document with your questions that your mentor can answer on his own schedule? Or perhaps you can make a very detailed list of things you want to accomplish and the steps necessary to do so, and get his feedback?
posted by Ideefixe at 6:44 PM on December 29, 2015
Wow, it sounds like you could be way overthinking this. Is there any evidence that he thinks you're lazy and unmotivated, or whatever? Mentors are generally offering to do you a favor, not trying to sit in judgment over you. (I mean, sure, they can do you more favors if they have a positive impression, but still.)
I'd try to figure out what you'd like to get from him: a little advice? feedback on your resume? links to jobs at your skill level? I'd figure that out and then let him do that to the extent he's willing in whatever 12:04-12:22 pm slot he has available to help you out. That seems way more practical than trying to take him away from his family on a Sunday so that you have time to make a really specific impression. I can almost guarantee you that respecting his time and making this easy on him are more critical to his feelings about you.
I dunno... your question just exudes anxiety and defensiveness in a way that seems like it has to be less productive than just accepting the imperfection of the daily world and making the best of it. In my professional world, meetings are often scheduled back to back yet 6 minutes away from each other, and people are always trying to wrap up meetings at 11:54 or arriving at 12:06, or dialing in at 12:01 and saying "sorry, I'm still walking back to my desk, so you might hear some background noise." (If you want more time, dial him as you're leaving the building, using headphones and a mute button to keep him from hearing the elevator dings and the car door slam. Or if you don't, just be clear that you'll call as soon as you're free.) People are often having to shift gears rapidly between meetings. They're either working off of notes they put together during a free hour the day before, or off of rough notes that they scribbled on a post it pad while waiting for the elevator. Some people can pull off elevator notes with poise and panache; some know they can't so they super-prepare; and some do neither and have less effective conversations. That's the nature of office life as I understand it. Managing those challenges are part of the game, not a reason to call a time out.
It sounds like you want this mentorship to exist in an alternate sphere where you can be perfect, but that will come at a cost to him that he might not want to pay. He's going to miss having breakfast with his daughter so that you can suitably impress him? If he wants to wedge this into the slice of his life that he has set aside for work (which makes complete sense), with all the chaos of the work day, I think it'd be better to respect that, make the best of it, and simply be clear with him about your own limitations. "My 11 AM meeting is unpredictable, so as usual I'll call you as soon as I can, most likely between 12 and 12:15." I would stop trying to impress him per se, figure out what you need to get out of this to move to the job you want, and then start trying to make this relationship more pragmatic, congenial, and lower stress. And if it's 15 minutes once a month, and some emails in between, can you really not find the evening or weekend time to use it well?
Anyway, I'm biased because I really would not want to spend my Sunday mentoring someone, but you can totally ask for that, or for an early morning or evening time, and you can also repeatedly explain that you're very sorry but your work is very spontaneous and thus you may well be late. Any of those are fine; it would not be a disaster to ask. But my opinion is you ought to follow his lead, focus on using it well, and have realistic expectations as to what "using it well" looks like.
Sorry this was such a rant.
posted by salvia at 8:08 PM on December 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
I'd try to figure out what you'd like to get from him: a little advice? feedback on your resume? links to jobs at your skill level? I'd figure that out and then let him do that to the extent he's willing in whatever 12:04-12:22 pm slot he has available to help you out. That seems way more practical than trying to take him away from his family on a Sunday so that you have time to make a really specific impression. I can almost guarantee you that respecting his time and making this easy on him are more critical to his feelings about you.
I dunno... your question just exudes anxiety and defensiveness in a way that seems like it has to be less productive than just accepting the imperfection of the daily world and making the best of it. In my professional world, meetings are often scheduled back to back yet 6 minutes away from each other, and people are always trying to wrap up meetings at 11:54 or arriving at 12:06, or dialing in at 12:01 and saying "sorry, I'm still walking back to my desk, so you might hear some background noise." (If you want more time, dial him as you're leaving the building, using headphones and a mute button to keep him from hearing the elevator dings and the car door slam. Or if you don't, just be clear that you'll call as soon as you're free.) People are often having to shift gears rapidly between meetings. They're either working off of notes they put together during a free hour the day before, or off of rough notes that they scribbled on a post it pad while waiting for the elevator. Some people can pull off elevator notes with poise and panache; some know they can't so they super-prepare; and some do neither and have less effective conversations. That's the nature of office life as I understand it. Managing those challenges are part of the game, not a reason to call a time out.
It sounds like you want this mentorship to exist in an alternate sphere where you can be perfect, but that will come at a cost to him that he might not want to pay. He's going to miss having breakfast with his daughter so that you can suitably impress him? If he wants to wedge this into the slice of his life that he has set aside for work (which makes complete sense), with all the chaos of the work day, I think it'd be better to respect that, make the best of it, and simply be clear with him about your own limitations. "My 11 AM meeting is unpredictable, so as usual I'll call you as soon as I can, most likely between 12 and 12:15." I would stop trying to impress him per se, figure out what you need to get out of this to move to the job you want, and then start trying to make this relationship more pragmatic, congenial, and lower stress. And if it's 15 minutes once a month, and some emails in between, can you really not find the evening or weekend time to use it well?
Anyway, I'm biased because I really would not want to spend my Sunday mentoring someone, but you can totally ask for that, or for an early morning or evening time, and you can also repeatedly explain that you're very sorry but your work is very spontaneous and thus you may well be late. Any of those are fine; it would not be a disaster to ask. But my opinion is you ought to follow his lead, focus on using it well, and have realistic expectations as to what "using it well" looks like.
Sorry this was such a rant.
posted by salvia at 8:08 PM on December 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
You can ask for whatever you like, but I might try just saying "I really feel like I am getting a lot from the time we have together, but I have to admit I miss having more regular phone contact and my current job just doesn't allow me to schedule any time during the working day. I feel bad that I've already had to be late to call you, but I'm not sure how I can prevent it from happening. I don't want to cut into your time any more than I already am, but would it be possible to find a time to talk outside of the normal working hours? I totally get it if you don't want to, but then I have to be honest and say that I might well be late to our calls. What do you think?"
I wouldn't be offended at all by this, even though I might say no to the request.
I second the remark that you need to clarify what you want from the relationship because it reads here a bit like what you mainly want is to profile yourself well and that would irritate me. Have you had a conversation with him where you clarify what is expected? If you have not, maybe it is a good moment to do so. That can also open the door to discussing your fears that you might not be living up to expectations.
I'm not a big fan of formal mentoring situations. Two people don't always click with each other and then that's not really useful. I've got a mentee now who I really like-- she's really clear what she wants from me (advice which role to take in the company after her management internship), I can accommodate that and I enjoy my time with her and wish I could give more. The first time I was a mentee, on the other hand, it was not a success. He thought I was a stubborn know-it-all and I thought he was a pretentious prat. It's not possible to learn from someone you don't respect.
posted by frumiousb at 9:15 PM on December 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
I wouldn't be offended at all by this, even though I might say no to the request.
I second the remark that you need to clarify what you want from the relationship because it reads here a bit like what you mainly want is to profile yourself well and that would irritate me. Have you had a conversation with him where you clarify what is expected? If you have not, maybe it is a good moment to do so. That can also open the door to discussing your fears that you might not be living up to expectations.
I'm not a big fan of formal mentoring situations. Two people don't always click with each other and then that's not really useful. I've got a mentee now who I really like-- she's really clear what she wants from me (advice which role to take in the company after her management internship), I can accommodate that and I enjoy my time with her and wish I could give more. The first time I was a mentee, on the other hand, it was not a success. He thought I was a stubborn know-it-all and I thought he was a pretentious prat. It's not possible to learn from someone you don't respect.
posted by frumiousb at 9:15 PM on December 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
The difficulty with providing advice is that we don't know what your mentor seeks in a "better" mentee.
I think the best approach is to have a frank discussion with your mentor where you try to determine that, perhaps something along the lines of: "I have a tremendous amount of respect for you, and I'd like to make this mentee/mentor relationship as fulfilling as possible for the both of us. Here are a few things I've thought of: options 1 through 4. What do you think/suggest?"
(My perspective - I've mentored a few junior lawyers in my office, and a few law students)
posted by birdsquared at 9:32 PM on December 29, 2015
I think the best approach is to have a frank discussion with your mentor where you try to determine that, perhaps something along the lines of: "I have a tremendous amount of respect for you, and I'd like to make this mentee/mentor relationship as fulfilling as possible for the both of us. Here are a few things I've thought of: options 1 through 4. What do you think/suggest?"
(My perspective - I've mentored a few junior lawyers in my office, and a few law students)
posted by birdsquared at 9:32 PM on December 29, 2015
Best answer: Haha, I'm feeling like a crappy mentee too. Thankfully my mentors all know I'm trying to get my life together and find some more concrete decisions for my life. I'll offer what I can, as someone who is new to this too.
The best advice that my mentors offered me, when I asked them for guidance, is that I need to tell them what I need. You already are doing that if you ask for number one - it won't work if you won't speak up, which is the second thing my mentors told me. It's on the mentee to speak up for what they need, and to drive and push the relationship forward.
Much like how you can't help a friend if they are having trouble communicating clearly what they need, a mentor can't help you if you don't tell them what they need. In addition to that, with the awkwardness of a formal mentor/mentee relationship, there isn't that much time to just coax out of you what you need. It is much easier if you self-contemplate deeply about what you hope to accomplish for your goals, and then ask your mentor for how to help supercharge you to get there. It sounds like you are doing that with the suggestions and emailing, but you are worried about being a terrible mentee, when you may just be too hard on yourself in learning how to build a new relationship. (Plus, being down on yourself is not good for your professional and overall health. You are practicing lowering your self-esteem, which decreases your efficacy in getting to where you want to be. You already have accomplished things in the past, you need help getting to your next step, and that's the original reason why you wanted the mentorship, right? )
He has a lot of overlapping knowledge and seems to know a lot of people in the industry who he once mentioned he can get me in touch with, and I would totally be okay with the fact that he's not really in my 'niche' field if some of the below were not going on.
Have you told him this? Have you two discussed expectations and hopes for eachother? Have you drafted up a list of 5 people he might know that are related to your niche, and ask if he would and if so, why? If not, why not and does he know anyone else like that? Can you talk a little more about your background and uncertainties, and see if he knows anyone else's professional trajectory being more similar to yours? Also, if this is through a formal mentoring program, is there actual good advice that is being offered? Otherwise I would look up a book, which is next on my to-do list. Will come back and share if I find a good one.
posted by yueliang at 10:23 PM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
The best advice that my mentors offered me, when I asked them for guidance, is that I need to tell them what I need. You already are doing that if you ask for number one - it won't work if you won't speak up, which is the second thing my mentors told me. It's on the mentee to speak up for what they need, and to drive and push the relationship forward.
Much like how you can't help a friend if they are having trouble communicating clearly what they need, a mentor can't help you if you don't tell them what they need. In addition to that, with the awkwardness of a formal mentor/mentee relationship, there isn't that much time to just coax out of you what you need. It is much easier if you self-contemplate deeply about what you hope to accomplish for your goals, and then ask your mentor for how to help supercharge you to get there. It sounds like you are doing that with the suggestions and emailing, but you are worried about being a terrible mentee, when you may just be too hard on yourself in learning how to build a new relationship. (Plus, being down on yourself is not good for your professional and overall health. You are practicing lowering your self-esteem, which decreases your efficacy in getting to where you want to be. You already have accomplished things in the past, you need help getting to your next step, and that's the original reason why you wanted the mentorship, right? )
He has a lot of overlapping knowledge and seems to know a lot of people in the industry who he once mentioned he can get me in touch with, and I would totally be okay with the fact that he's not really in my 'niche' field if some of the below were not going on.
Have you told him this? Have you two discussed expectations and hopes for eachother? Have you drafted up a list of 5 people he might know that are related to your niche, and ask if he would and if so, why? If not, why not and does he know anyone else like that? Can you talk a little more about your background and uncertainties, and see if he knows anyone else's professional trajectory being more similar to yours? Also, if this is through a formal mentoring program, is there actual good advice that is being offered? Otherwise I would look up a book, which is next on my to-do list. Will come back and share if I find a good one.
posted by yueliang at 10:23 PM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: What is your actual goal? I'm not asking what your industry is; it seems pretty clear that you're actively trying not to reveal that for privacy reasons, which is completely fine. But are you actively looking for a new job in your mentor's field or a closely related field right now? Are you seeking advice about how to position yourself to apply? Are you looking to get introduced to people who might hire you? Do you need someone to read over application materials? Do you need someone to teach you a concrete skill?
I've been both a mentor and a mentee. I had a job for almost five years where mentoring people trying to get into my field was 25% of my job. And the first question I always asked of them was, if you could ask for anything without worrying about what I would think of your request, what would you want me to do for you? And I asked not because I expected to always say yes to their requests--I often said no, or suggested alternatives I could provide, because sometimes they asked for something I couldn't or wasn't willing to do. But it helped to define the relationship, to figure out whether they wanted advice or concrete feedback or education or emotional support or networking or whatever. And that made it easier for both of us to provide what the other needed to make the relationship work, as well as to set appropriate boundaries.
So, maybe you can tell us what you're looking for, and then we can make suggestions about how to find out whether your mentor can provide that for you.
posted by decathecting at 10:30 PM on December 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
I've been both a mentor and a mentee. I had a job for almost five years where mentoring people trying to get into my field was 25% of my job. And the first question I always asked of them was, if you could ask for anything without worrying about what I would think of your request, what would you want me to do for you? And I asked not because I expected to always say yes to their requests--I often said no, or suggested alternatives I could provide, because sometimes they asked for something I couldn't or wasn't willing to do. But it helped to define the relationship, to figure out whether they wanted advice or concrete feedback or education or emotional support or networking or whatever. And that made it easier for both of us to provide what the other needed to make the relationship work, as well as to set appropriate boundaries.
So, maybe you can tell us what you're looking for, and then we can make suggestions about how to find out whether your mentor can provide that for you.
posted by decathecting at 10:30 PM on December 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
Sounds like this mentor is not a good fit for you. When I moved countries I requested a mentor from my professional association and they have me someone who had less experience than I did!
I would tell your mentor "thanks" and then seek someone out on your own.
posted by betsybetsy at 5:39 AM on December 30, 2015
I would tell your mentor "thanks" and then seek someone out on your own.
posted by betsybetsy at 5:39 AM on December 30, 2015
Response by poster: @decathecting - I am primarily looking to be directed to someone who can take me on as a volunteer or apprentice to learn the technical aspect (literally STEM technical in some aspects) of the niche job I am seeking, or at the very least, explain to me what I can do to self-study/self-teach if possible.
Thank you everyone for your input so far. It's obvious I need to be more direct in what I ask for, with the understanding that he may not be able to provide these things to me. And I recognize it is not his job to accommodate my schedule, but I wanted to ask MeFi's advice before flat out assuming. I do have other semi-mentor types I have come in contact with organically, but I feel like I am afraid to ask more than one or two questions or small favors of them when I do not know what I can offer them other than verbalized gratitude for their time and effort. However, there are a few I have not spoken to in a while, so maybe I need to touch base with them and see what advice they may have.
posted by nightrecordings at 9:26 AM on December 30, 2015
Thank you everyone for your input so far. It's obvious I need to be more direct in what I ask for, with the understanding that he may not be able to provide these things to me. And I recognize it is not his job to accommodate my schedule, but I wanted to ask MeFi's advice before flat out assuming. I do have other semi-mentor types I have come in contact with organically, but I feel like I am afraid to ask more than one or two questions or small favors of them when I do not know what I can offer them other than verbalized gratitude for their time and effort. However, there are a few I have not spoken to in a while, so maybe I need to touch base with them and see what advice they may have.
posted by nightrecordings at 9:26 AM on December 30, 2015
Best answer: I think you need to ask for that directly. There's no reason you need to have monthly phone calls or talk about your personal circumstances or anything like that. I think you can just email him and ask, directly. Something like:
"Hi, I'm refocusing my efforts to move into my new career field, and I've realized that the best route to that is going to be an apprenticeship or volunteer position where I can learn the skills I need. Can you think of any people or organizations I should reach out to who might have an appropriate program I could apply for, or who would be willing to take on a volunteer? And additionally, are there books or courses you would recommend for self-study or continuing education to learn as much as possible about the subject? Thank you so much for all of your advice and support as I make this exciting transition."
Then, let him make specific suggestions. And also, send a similar email to all the other people you know who are in your field. Blanket everyone you know. Personalize the emails, but send it out far and wide. Because "do you know someone and what are good books and classes" is not a big ask, so you should ask it from everyone you know in your field. Then, email thank yous to everyone who responds, and personalized, handwritten thank you notes to anyone whose advice pans out.
posted by decathecting at 11:54 AM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Hi, I'm refocusing my efforts to move into my new career field, and I've realized that the best route to that is going to be an apprenticeship or volunteer position where I can learn the skills I need. Can you think of any people or organizations I should reach out to who might have an appropriate program I could apply for, or who would be willing to take on a volunteer? And additionally, are there books or courses you would recommend for self-study or continuing education to learn as much as possible about the subject? Thank you so much for all of your advice and support as I make this exciting transition."
Then, let him make specific suggestions. And also, send a similar email to all the other people you know who are in your field. Blanket everyone you know. Personalize the emails, but send it out far and wide. Because "do you know someone and what are good books and classes" is not a big ask, so you should ask it from everyone you know in your field. Then, email thank yous to everyone who responds, and personalized, handwritten thank you notes to anyone whose advice pans out.
posted by decathecting at 11:54 AM on December 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Lots of good advice thus far. Just chiming in to say don't ask for his time on a Sunday afternoon. That's disrespectful. Extending the working day for a 6.30pm call? Fine. Weekends? No. For you, this is personal career development. For him it's work. Work that he's happy and willing to do. But Sunday afternoon is not work time for any normal person. Don't go there.
posted by finding.perdita at 2:50 AM on December 31, 2015
posted by finding.perdita at 2:50 AM on December 31, 2015
« Older How to charge my MacBook Air from an external... | How do I keep my sanity and my job? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
I think #2 will take care of itself if you walk on eggshells a bit less and schedule the call when you can relax and get deeper into the conversation.
posted by michaelh at 6:13 PM on December 29, 2015 [1 favorite]