Tell me about sex

December 14, 2005 12:14 AM

So, I'm a 22 year old male, straight virgin. I used to be really nervous and self-conscious around women, but lately I've gotten a lot more relaxed. I've started doing some online dating, and it seems to be going fairly well. I've had relationships in the past, but nothing serious or sexual, but I think that's going to change soon. I could use some advice.

How do I avoid embarassing myself when a relationship comes to sex? When is it appropriate to mention my lack of experience? If you would consider virginity in a partner to be negative, is there anything I can do to make it seem less negative? I know what goes in what hole(s) and have had non-sexual relationships in the past, but the whole idea of 2-person sex is rather novel and mysterious, frankly. I haven't been holding off on sex for any moral reason, it just hasn't quite happened yet.

posted by JZig to human relations (30 comments total)

Just be enthusiastic. The only negative to a virgin is if it makes your partner uncomfortable through your own uncomfort. The hardest thing to learn about the big S-E-X is getting over trying to do the right thing, and learning to do the FUN thing next. Trying to please vs. pleasing, if you will. And give her a long damned hug when you're done instead of running off to wash the various fluids from your ding-dong. Don't be a-scared!
posted by kcm at 12:20 AM on December 14, 2005

Just act natural and be yourself. The more you think about it the worse you make it. Also, know that sex is weird, awkward, sometimes noisy, sometimes very messy. If you can be cool with that and not freak out when something goofy (like noises) or gross happens, you'll do much better. It's most definately not like TV.

When the time comes, you will know what to do. Really.

It may help you to have some noncomittal sexual interaction before you get serious with a girl (not necessarily sex). In my experience, sometimes older virgin boys become a little too attached to the women that deflower them. And older or more experienced lady could show you a lot as long as you are of the understanding that it's strictly for educational purposes and not for relationship purposes.
posted by Brittanie at 12:21 AM on December 14, 2005

Don't mention it until/unless asked and don't be ashamed of it when you do.

The posters above me nailed it re: what'll happen when it happens.

One of my best friends was a virgin till he was 32. He's 37 now, attached, has an 18 month old kid.
posted by dobbs at 12:33 AM on December 14, 2005

It may help you to have some noncomittal sexual interaction before you get serious with a girl (not necessarily sex).

That may be somewhat hard to procure, depending on where JZig lives and his appetite for risk.

I was in your boat, but my girlfriend basically knew that when we started going out—we had known each other for a while before then. So unfortunately I don't have any advice on the when to say what score.
posted by kenko at 12:34 AM on December 14, 2005

"There were other women, but I never got past one."

"You mean first base."

"No, no, I mean one. You see, we have six a .. we have six, you see, and each one is a different level of intimacy and pleasure. So, you know, first you have one, and that's naa-naa. Then there's two .. and by the time you get to five it's ..."

"All I can say is that enthusiasm, sincerity, genuine compassion, and humor can carry you through any .. lack of .. prior experience with .. high numerical value."

"Wow, I'm gonna remember that. Thank you, thank you."

Vir and Ivanova, Sic Transit Vir
posted by furvyn at 12:47 AM on December 14, 2005

Ditto on the above advice, but if you want to make a good impression instead of just getting your rocks off, then make sure that you take care of her first. I'd advise masturbating beforehand so you don't do anything premature when the time comes!
posted by JJ86 at 1:34 AM on December 14, 2005

Maybe you would be interested in the answers to this question.

My advice: don't be so obsessed with the fact that it's your first time that your mind wanders from the specific connection you're having with your partner. And keep the "Wow, I just had sex!" stuff to yourself. And don't say "Thank you." !
posted by teleskiving at 2:23 AM on December 14, 2005

Bollocks JJ86, thats only advice making the OP more nervous. If you can't tell a girl that you're nervous and/or she's upset then she's prolly not right for you anyway. Chances are that she might be nervous as well. Be yourself, hug her, take it easy. That's the way to do it.

Hell, I had a 2-year break on sex after a break-up and then was so nervous that I couldn't.. ahem.. perform at first. Then we just laughed because she was nervous as well and then slept for a while and then things started ..ahem.. happening a bit later. Relax. And if it doesn't work out, move on.
posted by keijo at 2:25 AM on December 14, 2005

keijo - Huh? Which advice? You mean taking caring of the woman first? I guess if you want a one-night stand, then just forget the woman and leave as soon as you come. I can't see how that would make her less nervous.

Masturbating first? I don't mean masturbating there in front of her. Unless she would dig that. Masturbate before the date or in the bathroom. Most times when the guy is premature, it is game over. It is traditional advice to do it before hand. I typically do it to relax and haven't gone blind yet.
posted by JJ86 at 2:33 AM on December 14, 2005

I wish there was an anonymous comment facility.

When I thought I was near sex for the first time, I downloaded an oral sex instructional video from Napster (I'm glad to say this was a while ago). That thing was mostly bollocks, but in retrospect I can trace my relatively good performance back to it. It taught me several vital basics, which I needn't go over here. The upshot was that when it came to it, I knew how to find my partner's clitoris and how to treat it. It was this that gave me my confidence that I wouldn't be a total washout.

So my general point is that more information is always better. It may come in smutty forms, but that's inevitable. Here's the Vice guide to eating pussy (NSFW).
posted by godawful at 3:26 AM on December 14, 2005

my advice is dont say anything. act confident, friendly, and like its no big deal. if you act like you're in control she wont have any reason to think otherwise.

if things go wrong, who cares! sex is just like anything else in life - it doesnt always go to plan.

Expect mess and noise. Also, it isnt like in movies for porn films, so dont expect super smooth and sexy. nakedness is amusing!

concentrate on her first. if she gets off - you done good!

if she wants to go down on you, and your finding it too much - just say its too much. she'll take it as a compliment.

if you go down on her, dont worry about the taste. its nothing. more like saliva than anything, but with a very slight odor.

my first time i pretty much followed those guides. and it worked a charm. I tend to make jokes about things, which i think maked me look more relaxed than i actually was.

finally, if u finish too soon "damn, im sorry, but ur amazing".
posted by lemonfridge at 4:47 AM on December 14, 2005

At some point, you might want to explain that you're a virgin, but don't make a big deal outta of it.

Relax. Keep things fun.

Definitely read up on female anatomy and here's a link to the Vice Guide on eating pussy. The clitoris is like a girl's best friend: be nice to the clit and it'll put in a good word for you with the lady.

Definitely do some heavy petting first, so that both of you can get comfortable and you can figure out what each other likes.

Masturbate before the date, to help avoid going premature. But if you do, don't worry about, just laugh it off, telling the lady you were a bit too eager to be with her and then give her oral sex. She'll be pleased, you'll be relaxed and you'll probably be back in the saddle soon enough.

When it comes to the first time that you penetrate you might have to fumle around a bit, getting everything aligned and in. Again, no big deal, just laugh about it, keep in light.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:17 AM on December 14, 2005

I was 22 when I had the pleasure for the first time. That was a little over two years ago, and if I remember correctly I jabbered the entire time. I just couldn't stop myself, I was so nervous. But she was very cool about it, not a virgin herself, and understanding that a dork like me might react weird. We had a long talk about intimacy that night.

Have you ever just been naked with someone else before? I hadn't, until that night, and it was a novel, illuminating experience for me. If I were you, I'd think long and ahem hard about what intimacy means to you, about being close to another person both physically and emotionally.

Some of the advice above is really good, like about the sounds. And yeah, learn to love her pussy the right way. If you get to make nice before she does, be prepared to get her off some other way. The whole enterprise is fun, complicated, and...well, it's really fun! Be safe and have a good time.
posted by carsonb at 5:18 AM on December 14, 2005

teleskiving: don't say "Thank you"!

huh? around here we say thanks pretty much every time.

Enthusiastically agreeing that relaxing is the best idea. Soon it won't be as intimidating, just something to explore and enjoy. (or so it has been for me, and I hope the same for all)
posted by olecranon at 5:23 AM on December 14, 2005

Oh, and I'm not sure how much of a rule this is, but if I was ever unsure if my partner had come, I made the assumption that she hadn't and continued accordingly until I knew for sure.
posted by carsonb at 5:31 AM on December 14, 2005

I wouldn't masturbate beforehand. A girl wants all your passion and interest, not a mechanical performance. If you come too quickly don't worry about it. Guys that have no problems lasting can come quickly sometimes. And you can do it again 20 mins later.
posted by lunkfish at 5:58 AM on December 14, 2005

huh? around here we say thanks pretty much every time.

Really? Cripes. That makes it sounds like something the other person is giving to you rather than it being a shared experience.
posted by vbfg at 6:13 AM on December 14, 2005

I didn't have sex until I was 24, if that makes you feel better.
Some things that I found helpful included:
-Sleeping, just sleeping, with your partner first. It really helps with the intimacy.
-Be honest; anyone who doesn't want to have sex with you just because you're new to it isn't the kind of person you should be shtupping in the first place.
-Be yourself. Bring your personality to the bedroom, and don't try to be Peter North... or, god forbid, Max Hardcore.
-I've found that opening night jitters can actually help you last longer.
-Don't be afraid to defer to your partner's experience. While that doesn't mean making them do all the work or being a "Is this okay? Um, how's that?" weenie, handing your partner the reins when it comes to say, penetration or intimate touching, can be very erotic and, if you're paying attention, tips you off to what kind of things they enjoy having done to them.
-It's just sex. Having a funny first time with someone you care about and cares about you is infinitely more satisfying than technically proficient sex with some stranger.
It's another one of those things I call an everyday adventure. Enjoy!
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 6:41 AM on December 14, 2005

Say something like: "I am kind of a funny situation here. This is actually going to be my first time, so it may be a little, um, funny. But bear with me, I really like you and, I know this is going only get better, I am just so happy to be here with you. Show me something you would like. We'll grow into this, you'll see."
posted by StickyCarpet at 7:23 AM on December 14, 2005

How do I avoid embarassing myself when a relationship comes to sex?

Well, IMNSHO, the question is not how do you avoid embarrassing yourself during sex, but what to do when the inevitable happens. Over the course of a long-term sexual relationship, there will probably be times when you are clumsy, overly excited, not excited enough, or impotent. I think the key is to have low-moderate expectations and be pleasantly surprised more often than not. Putting high expectations on your performance and her performance can be a real turn-off.

When is it appropriate to mention my lack of experience?

Almost always if your partner asks.

Usually if your partner brings it up in conversation.

Otherwise, when you are ready.

If you would consider virginity in a partner to be negative, is there anything I can do to make it seem less negative?

For me, whether it is negative or not needs to be evaluated on a case by case basis. If it's a big fat hairy psychological deal for the person involved, I'd me much more cautious. I'd want some trust that the person is not going to flake out after the fact. Also, knowing in advance that the person is informed of the risks, and is willing to practice safer sex is a big plus.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 8:24 AM on December 14, 2005

Don't bring it up early-on in any relationship. All this would do is make it into a Big Thing that is apparently more important to you than the 5 million other things about JZig that you haven't brought up yet. Better to be known as The Awesome Guy who turns out to be a virgin than The Virgin who turns out to be an awesome guy.

Take things slow. You will be attempting to compress the experiences of a statistically average guy's entire adolescence into a month or two or four. Don't try to compress it into one night. The ladies often appreciate a guy who isn't hellbent on sex from the word "hello". This is a positive.

Eventually, she will bring up the topic of your past experiences. Anecdotes you've told combined with your awkward beginnings (yet rapid improvements, hopefully) will make her curious. Be honest, without getting too psychobabbly about your past shyness. You were socially phobic, but that's all in the past. And this is going to be fun.

Good luck!
posted by 4easypayments at 8:58 AM on December 14, 2005

I would be honest, if asked.

If the woman you will date is more *evolved/experienced/aware* or whatever, be open to learning from her.

I have had two really important sexual mentors in my life among the dozen or so gf's. . .

Be yourself, in all of it's klutsy glory, and the right woman will find that very attractive and fun. . .
posted by Danf at 9:14 AM on December 14, 2005

JJ86, what lunkfish said.
posted by keijo at 9:33 AM on December 14, 2005

The best time is when things start out kinda awkward, not sure on when or how to make the first move. Just playing around with clothes on will eventually lead to something, massage, laughing. If you seriously like each other, then there should be no problem. The worst thing that you could do is to "plan" to have sex. That is nothing short of a showstopper and potential anxiety trap. Sex is not about holes, its about intimacy. But if you want to gain mechanical confidence, just have a nsa encounter.
posted by _zed_ at 10:42 AM on December 14, 2005

Wow, there's a lot of advice about being a considerate lover here, which is cool, but I think it can only contribute to anxiety. Most of that advice is stuff you will have headspace for later. I think it's a bit cruel to lay all that responsibility on a virgin. You won't be very good, in all probability. But that's ok, if you pay attention you will get better.

For now, I would definitely tell the lucky woman before the event, although perhaps not much before. You actually have a great opportunity compared to those of us who got drunk and shagged mindlessly the first time: perhaps being a bit older, and sleeping with someone a bit older, you might both be able to make it a bit special. I certainly hope so.

A saying a friend of mine has: wouldn't it be terrible if the first time was as a good as it ever gets.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 10:52 AM on December 14, 2005

I was in the same boat as you a few years back - I ended up getting horrendously plastered and having unprotected sex with a stranger. Not recommended. Seriously.

However, I think the question is whether or not you should breach the subject - because there's no way she's going to know you're a virgin if you don't say something. Really.

There's really no way to know what's the right thing to do. Only advice I can offer is this - focus on yourself, and enjoy it. Because if you enjoy, she will enjoy it too. You can hammer out the finer details later, just have fun with it man!
posted by iamck at 11:17 AM on December 14, 2005

"-Sleeping, just sleeping, with your partner first. It really helps with the intimacy."

NO! If you're in the same bed as a member of the opposite sex and nothign sexual happens, then you can't fuck 'em. Oh, and if you take advice from the Babylon 5 poster above, you'll stay a virgin. You probably shouldn't even look at the page until you've had sex.
That said, it's no big deal. I mean, it kinda is, but in retrospect you'll realize that the hype around it is kinda silly. And everyone's clumsy or goofy sometimes. A sense of humor can go a long way. (I remember the first time with one girl, though not my first ever, where I tried to lay down next to her on this couch. Instead, I laid down only on the cushions which overhung the lip, fell off, and sprung up looking confused. Really humiliating, but funny enough that I could laugh. We ended up having really hot sex right after that, because I was all relaxed after laughing).
posted by klangklangston at 12:16 PM on December 14, 2005

NO! If you're in the same bed as a member of the opposite sex and nothign sexual happens, then you can't fuck 'em.

I think it's more like, if you're in the same bed as a member of the opposite sex and you're slyly attempting to make something sexual happen but the other person isn't going along with it, THEN you can't fuck 'em (because they aren't interested).

I think Alvy Ampersand's advice was pretty much dead on.
posted by 4easypayments at 1:14 PM on December 14, 2005

I was involved in a situation similar to this recently, only I was the more-experienced female. The guy and I had slept together (only slept) the night before, and it made moving into the sexual side of things much more comfortable. She won't have an issue with your lack of experience; if she does, then she's not the right person for a first encounter anyway. We discussed the basics of our sexual histories Oand agreed on protection (although we had to run out and buy some; NOT recommended; have that ready, but not overtly-so) The first time my (well, I'll be honest, he's now a close friend with benefits, in that he lives a few states too far away for an effective long-distance relationship) friend and I had sex, we didn't...he was too nervous and it was all over rather quickly. But, whatever, no problems, we cuddled and started over in a half hour, and then everything was just great. Again, if she has any issues about the situation being "overstimulating," as it were, then she isn't the right person for you. Oh, and make a big breakfast the next morning/afternoon. You'll have fun. If it matters, I'm 22 and the guy is 21.
posted by sara is disenchanted at 1:15 PM on December 14, 2005

Thanks for the advice! Lots of good thoughts here.

To tell the truth, I care about intimacy just as much as sex, so the idea to get intimate (sleeping together) before sex to get comfortable sounds like it would take a lot of the awkwardness out of it.

It sounds like being virgin isn't seen as a hugely common turnoff, which is reasurring. Being obsessed with virginity is, though, which makes total sense.

That link to the cunnilingus guide looks like a useful link for advanced studies, I'll keep that around for later.

I feel less nervous about the whole thing now, thanks!
posted by JZig at 10:18 PM on December 14, 2005