Accounts of people who have come back from criminal/antisocial acts?
December 16, 2015 11:06 AM Subscribe
I am looking for narratives of people who turned their lives around after misspent youths.
My teen son recently acted out in a violent way and is facing severe school and legal consequences. We don't even know yet if he will be allowed to receive a diploma. He is currently in a partial hospital program learning to deal with his anger. Then he will transfer to a school for kids with emotional problems. I am heartbroken and in mourning for the future I thought he had. Right now I think it would be helpful for me to read about people who were in his situation and who turned it around to become successful. I plan on reading these myself, though I may share excerpts with my son. Books, articles, blogs, whatever you've got.
My teen son recently acted out in a violent way and is facing severe school and legal consequences. We don't even know yet if he will be allowed to receive a diploma. He is currently in a partial hospital program learning to deal with his anger. Then he will transfer to a school for kids with emotional problems. I am heartbroken and in mourning for the future I thought he had. Right now I think it would be helpful for me to read about people who were in his situation and who turned it around to become successful. I plan on reading these myself, though I may share excerpts with my son. Books, articles, blogs, whatever you've got.
Charles S Dutton, a fine actor, killed a man in a fight when he was 17.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:11 AM on December 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:11 AM on December 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
Stephen Fry spent several months in prison at age 17 for stealing a credit card.
posted by kickingtheground at 11:13 AM on December 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by kickingtheground at 11:13 AM on December 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
William S. Burroughs had a successful writing career, despite shooting his wife and being a heroin addict.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 11:33 AM on December 16, 2015
posted by a lungful of dragon at 11:33 AM on December 16, 2015
Jim Carroll's "The Basketball Diaries" and its sequel, "The Downtown Diaries."
posted by Melismata at 11:35 AM on December 16, 2015
posted by Melismata at 11:35 AM on December 16, 2015
Hey there. My (older) brother went through a drug/guns/prison period and came out of it a much better person than he otherwise would have been (i.e. years of no consequences made him into an asshole; serious, harsh consequences he couldn't weasel out of him made him grow up).
My middle son now is going through his own rough patch, some violent lashing out after being conisdered the quiet, awkward one by his peers his entire life. In the last two weeks we've been to court a couple times about a restraining order following a pretty major fight incident.
One thing that I'll point out here, through the lens of these two experiences (and especially the awesome counselors we've met during my son's crises), that statements like this:
I am heartbroken and in mourning for the future I thought he had
can be unintentionally damaging to both of you. Without knowing any details, you need to hear that nothing your son has done has closed any doors for him. Those doors may take longer to open, or others may open to him that are more appropriate for him, but please don't treat an angry kid like he's obliterated his capacity for development beyond repair. They don't work like that.
It's not at all uncommon for parents of kids going through the criminal justice system to seek a bit of counseling for themselves. So much focus gets directed at the kids that we often neglect our own parental experience. If you can find a counselor (and public defenders' offices can usually recommend some), they can give you a lot of targeted feedback about this question.
Be well.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 11:42 AM on December 16, 2015 [23 favorites]
My middle son now is going through his own rough patch, some violent lashing out after being conisdered the quiet, awkward one by his peers his entire life. In the last two weeks we've been to court a couple times about a restraining order following a pretty major fight incident.
One thing that I'll point out here, through the lens of these two experiences (and especially the awesome counselors we've met during my son's crises), that statements like this:
I am heartbroken and in mourning for the future I thought he had
can be unintentionally damaging to both of you. Without knowing any details, you need to hear that nothing your son has done has closed any doors for him. Those doors may take longer to open, or others may open to him that are more appropriate for him, but please don't treat an angry kid like he's obliterated his capacity for development beyond repair. They don't work like that.
It's not at all uncommon for parents of kids going through the criminal justice system to seek a bit of counseling for themselves. So much focus gets directed at the kids that we often neglect our own parental experience. If you can find a counselor (and public defenders' offices can usually recommend some), they can give you a lot of targeted feedback about this question.
Be well.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 11:42 AM on December 16, 2015 [23 favorites]
"Hole in my Life" is a great memoir of when Jack Gantos (who was to become an award-winning children's and YA author) was, at the age of eighteen or so, imprisoned for drug smuggling.
posted by Jeanne at 11:44 AM on December 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Jeanne at 11:44 AM on December 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
Jack Black got into some trouble (drugs, theft) as a kid.
posted by usonian at 12:02 PM on December 16, 2015
posted by usonian at 12:02 PM on December 16, 2015
I may share excerpts with my son.
Don't do this, not for a while.
I also wanted to mention that I'm a teacher at the type of school your where your son will end up after partial. Here's some other advice:
* you need counseling. Of course you've a lot of feelings about what's happening and it'll help you to be able to have someone who is experienced in these matters help. I love that your first instinct is to read affirming stories, but it will do you a world of good to have someone help you navigate a whole world of things that you're not thinking about.
* A counselor is going to advise you about the best language to use with your son. It is not a good idea to mention heartbreak and being in mourning and most importantly, having any discussion of how his actions will affect his future, period. Your son has a LOT on his plate right now and discussions of the future, even if you think it's positive and framed as, "Hey, Mark Wahlberg turned his life around, you can do it," are probably the LAST thing he needs to hear. Discussions about the future can take place, but not for a long time. Right now you are very much one day at a time.
* With this counseling, you're going to need to learn strategies to how to co-exist with your son in a supportive and therapeutic way. Everything, from chores to privileges to gaming is going to have to be reconsidered.
* My professional experience with partials and discharge is that there is hardly any information given to the kid or the family. Usually there's a suggestion for outside therapy and that's about it. BE PREPARED THIS WILL HAPPEN. A partial will stabilize then immediately release. You need to have a plan ready to go and get those appointments made now. If you have to cancel, fine. But you do not want your kid at home, waiting for the school thing and the therapy thing to get sorted out while he has no support.
So, just like they tell us in parenting 101, put on your own oxygen mask first.
posted by kinetic at 12:05 PM on December 16, 2015 [22 favorites]
Don't do this, not for a while.
I also wanted to mention that I'm a teacher at the type of school your where your son will end up after partial. Here's some other advice:
* you need counseling. Of course you've a lot of feelings about what's happening and it'll help you to be able to have someone who is experienced in these matters help. I love that your first instinct is to read affirming stories, but it will do you a world of good to have someone help you navigate a whole world of things that you're not thinking about.
* A counselor is going to advise you about the best language to use with your son. It is not a good idea to mention heartbreak and being in mourning and most importantly, having any discussion of how his actions will affect his future, period. Your son has a LOT on his plate right now and discussions of the future, even if you think it's positive and framed as, "Hey, Mark Wahlberg turned his life around, you can do it," are probably the LAST thing he needs to hear. Discussions about the future can take place, but not for a long time. Right now you are very much one day at a time.
* With this counseling, you're going to need to learn strategies to how to co-exist with your son in a supportive and therapeutic way. Everything, from chores to privileges to gaming is going to have to be reconsidered.
* My professional experience with partials and discharge is that there is hardly any information given to the kid or the family. Usually there's a suggestion for outside therapy and that's about it. BE PREPARED THIS WILL HAPPEN. A partial will stabilize then immediately release. You need to have a plan ready to go and get those appointments made now. If you have to cancel, fine. But you do not want your kid at home, waiting for the school thing and the therapy thing to get sorted out while he has no support.
So, just like they tell us in parenting 101, put on your own oxygen mask first.
posted by kinetic at 12:05 PM on December 16, 2015 [22 favorites]
My Dark Places by James Ellroy.
posted by infinitewindow at 12:10 PM on December 16, 2015
posted by infinitewindow at 12:10 PM on December 16, 2015
Maurice Clarett was a star football player at Ohio State. Various things (fraud, robbery, guns, police chases, alcoholism, etc.) happened, and he ended up going to jail. While there, he sobered up, starting taking classes again, and wrote a blog with the silly-sounding but accurate name "The Mind of Maurice Clarett". The blog was notable for his detailed reflections on how he had gotten to that point in his life, and his plans for turning his life around after release. He was released after three and a half years, at which point he became a motivational speaker. He also played a little minor league football, but that's not terribly important. There's an ESPN documentary about him, in addition to the blog. Worth checking out.
posted by kevinbelt at 12:12 PM on December 16, 2015
posted by kevinbelt at 12:12 PM on December 16, 2015
Response by poster: I probably should have mentioned that we have been through hospitalization 3 times now, that he and I both have care providers and a lawyer. I am not walking around the house crying over his ruined future where he can see me. I just want to read something uplifting between appointments, hearings and conference calls.
posted by Biblio at 12:17 PM on December 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Biblio at 12:17 PM on December 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
Bear in mind that well-known turnaround stories are generally about athletes and actors because these are people who have publicists behind them, so don't feel down if you can't find more typical success stories.
posted by kinetic at 12:19 PM on December 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by kinetic at 12:19 PM on December 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
I just heard this on Fresh Air. Reginald Dwayne Betts spent 8 years of his youth behind bars for armed robbery. Now he's a poet, going to law school at Yale, and campaigning for better youth criminal justice. It's a good listen.
posted by monologish at 12:43 PM on December 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by monologish at 12:43 PM on December 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
The Autobiography of Malcolm X.
posted by BigLankyBastard at 12:56 PM on December 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by BigLankyBastard at 12:56 PM on December 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
A younger relative of mine had a hugely troubled youth which involved such things as him taking apart the family home with a baseball bat and being taken away in a straitjacket. He eventually found himself in music and has been a very successful electric music composer and producer for the last twenty years and has actually sold millions of records.
posted by octothorpe at 12:56 PM on December 16, 2015
posted by octothorpe at 12:56 PM on December 16, 2015
http://www.jacquesmattheij.com/
He is a Dutch businessman currently ranked number three on the leaderboard of Hacker News. He is likely a self made millionaire. He sold his primary business a year or two ago for possibly three -ish million dollars (undisclosed amount, but -- there are conflicting reports). His blog sometimes talks about how he was bullied in high school and dropped out of high school and won't go to his high school reunions because of baggage over all that. He became a businessman because he just couldn't hack it at a regular job. He describes himself as a "misfit."
He apparently had a really bad temper in his youth and struggled to get that under control and make his peace with it. I know, possibly from remarks on Hacker News, that he put one of the bullies that tormented him in the hospital and spent time on probation because of it.
I am not sure how much I know from reading his remarks on Hacker News and how much I know from the blog. (I read Hacker News far more than I read his blog.) Most of the blog is about business and coding, but it does have more personal posts scattered throughout. He talks about education and a love of learning sometimes and how that is important to success and those posts sometimes touch on what a failure he was in school and in his youth.
I don't know if this will resonate, but:
Additionally, there is Vanessa Williams, who gave up her Miss America crown due to scandalous (pornographic) pictures and Madonna who got outed for doing nude modeling prior to becoming famous and was all "So what?" and it blew over. Madonna lost a Pepsi commercial deal when her controversial video full of religious imagery and burning crosses came out and got a lot of flack over the themes of her early work. Vanessa eventually was clean and respectable enough for Disney to have her do voice work on Pocahontas, IIRC.
posted by Michele in California at 1:00 PM on December 16, 2015
He is a Dutch businessman currently ranked number three on the leaderboard of Hacker News. He is likely a self made millionaire. He sold his primary business a year or two ago for possibly three -ish million dollars (undisclosed amount, but -- there are conflicting reports). His blog sometimes talks about how he was bullied in high school and dropped out of high school and won't go to his high school reunions because of baggage over all that. He became a businessman because he just couldn't hack it at a regular job. He describes himself as a "misfit."
He apparently had a really bad temper in his youth and struggled to get that under control and make his peace with it. I know, possibly from remarks on Hacker News, that he put one of the bullies that tormented him in the hospital and spent time on probation because of it.
I am not sure how much I know from reading his remarks on Hacker News and how much I know from the blog. (I read Hacker News far more than I read his blog.) Most of the blog is about business and coding, but it does have more personal posts scattered throughout. He talks about education and a love of learning sometimes and how that is important to success and those posts sometimes touch on what a failure he was in school and in his youth.
I don't know if this will resonate, but:
Additionally, there is Vanessa Williams, who gave up her Miss America crown due to scandalous (pornographic) pictures and Madonna who got outed for doing nude modeling prior to becoming famous and was all "So what?" and it blew over. Madonna lost a Pepsi commercial deal when her controversial video full of religious imagery and burning crosses came out and got a lot of flack over the themes of her early work. Vanessa eventually was clean and respectable enough for Disney to have her do voice work on Pocahontas, IIRC.
posted by Michele in California at 1:00 PM on December 16, 2015
Al Pacino had a troubled childhood.
Gérard Depardieu had a troubled childhood.
I was going to mention Roger Caron, but I now learn he relapsed badly. (Caron realised how powerful words are when he enraged his prison guards by spelling out swear words on the floor of his prison cell with jelly beans. It inspired him to write.)
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 1:15 PM on December 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
Gérard Depardieu had a troubled childhood.
I was going to mention Roger Caron, but I now learn he relapsed badly. (Caron realised how powerful words are when he enraged his prison guards by spelling out swear words on the floor of his prison cell with jelly beans. It inspired him to write.)
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 1:15 PM on December 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
Warren Buffett:
Before Warren Buffett became the world's greatest investor at Berkshire Hathaway, he was a world-class shoplifter.
He retold the story, which was published in The Snowball, an authorized biography of his life. Warren Buffett tells Alice Shroeder, the author, that he and a friend had a particular favor for stealing from Sears.
We'd just steal the place blind. We'd steal stuff for which we had no use. We'd steal golf bags and golf clubs. I walked out of the lower level where the sporting goods were, up the stairway to the street, carrying a golf bag and golf clubs, and the clubs were stolen, and so was the bag. I stole hundreds of golf balls.
It was part of a stage of delinquency in his life. Around the same time, Buffett's grades had plummeted, and he began to act out in class. Motley Fool
posted by at at 3:05 PM on December 16, 2015
Before Warren Buffett became the world's greatest investor at Berkshire Hathaway, he was a world-class shoplifter.
He retold the story, which was published in The Snowball, an authorized biography of his life. Warren Buffett tells Alice Shroeder, the author, that he and a friend had a particular favor for stealing from Sears.
We'd just steal the place blind. We'd steal stuff for which we had no use. We'd steal golf bags and golf clubs. I walked out of the lower level where the sporting goods were, up the stairway to the street, carrying a golf bag and golf clubs, and the clubs were stolen, and so was the bag. I stole hundreds of golf balls.
It was part of a stage of delinquency in his life. Around the same time, Buffett's grades had plummeted, and he began to act out in class. Motley Fool
posted by at at 3:05 PM on December 16, 2015
Mark Wahlberg is not a good role model here-
In his pardon application, he said that he tried to get to church almost daily and that he devoted considerable time to working with troubled kids through the Mark Wahlberg Youth Foundation, which has raised about $9.6 million over the years.
But he can afford that in a way that very few ex-cons can. And, oddly, one of many reasons Wahlberg cited for wanting a pardon has to do with money. He and his brothers are expanding their chain of Wahlburgers restaurants, and licensing in some states is complicated by his record of a felony conviction.
posted by jammy at 3:08 PM on December 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
In his pardon application, he said that he tried to get to church almost daily and that he devoted considerable time to working with troubled kids through the Mark Wahlberg Youth Foundation, which has raised about $9.6 million over the years.
But he can afford that in a way that very few ex-cons can. And, oddly, one of many reasons Wahlberg cited for wanting a pardon has to do with money. He and his brothers are expanding their chain of Wahlburgers restaurants, and licensing in some states is complicated by his record of a felony conviction.
posted by jammy at 3:08 PM on December 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
A friend of mind was a 'troubled youth' in his highschool years - anti-social behaviour, cruelty to animals, a bully. He was very nearly expelled several times.
After highschool he joined the US Marines, and served two tours with distinction. He was a very different person after he joined up. I had the privilege of watching him talk to some kids about how they could change too, how they could walk away from the path of being anti-social street thugs. He was only 19 at the time. I still felt like a child.
After his second tour, he was training to be a helicopter pilot when he was involved in a massive crash. He was in a coma for months and, when he came to, he was a physical wreck. He spent years learning to walk again. And that changed him again. He told me recently that he looks back and wonders how he was the person that he was before, and that he's baffled by people who define their entire lives by a few years - whether it be high school or military.
He's now a cop - a sargent - with a wife and little daughter. And he's a different person, yet again. He seems like a good cop, dedicated to community-focused policing. We laughed about the irony.
The point is not that he 'bounced back' from his troubled youth, or from his war experiences, or from his accident, but that life is a long complex and convoluted journey. The person that your son is today does not have to define who he is forevermore. Don't mourn for his lost future. It's not lost - it's right there, in front of him.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:08 PM on December 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
After highschool he joined the US Marines, and served two tours with distinction. He was a very different person after he joined up. I had the privilege of watching him talk to some kids about how they could change too, how they could walk away from the path of being anti-social street thugs. He was only 19 at the time. I still felt like a child.
After his second tour, he was training to be a helicopter pilot when he was involved in a massive crash. He was in a coma for months and, when he came to, he was a physical wreck. He spent years learning to walk again. And that changed him again. He told me recently that he looks back and wonders how he was the person that he was before, and that he's baffled by people who define their entire lives by a few years - whether it be high school or military.
He's now a cop - a sargent - with a wife and little daughter. And he's a different person, yet again. He seems like a good cop, dedicated to community-focused policing. We laughed about the irony.
The point is not that he 'bounced back' from his troubled youth, or from his war experiences, or from his accident, but that life is a long complex and convoluted journey. The person that your son is today does not have to define who he is forevermore. Don't mourn for his lost future. It's not lost - it's right there, in front of him.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:08 PM on December 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
Robert Downey Jr? Last I heard he was doing well.
posted by you're a kitty! at 4:54 PM on December 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by you're a kitty! at 4:54 PM on December 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
Tina Dupuy.
I think this happens a lot more than we like to talk about it. It's not my story to tell but a close family member went through some serious shit back in the day and he's doing really well now.
My step bro did 18 months for dealing and now has a family and a job.
posted by fiercekitten at 5:22 PM on December 16, 2015
I think this happens a lot more than we like to talk about it. It's not my story to tell but a close family member went through some serious shit back in the day and he's doing really well now.
My step bro did 18 months for dealing and now has a family and a job.
posted by fiercekitten at 5:22 PM on December 16, 2015
The novel Shantaram comes to mind. It's fiction that's very loosely based on the author's own experiences and goes a little off the rails in the 3rd act, but the core story fits the bill - Australian criminal in prison for armed robbery escapes, travels to India, winds up living in the slums and opening a ramshackle health clinic.
posted by mannequito at 5:56 PM on December 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by mannequito at 5:56 PM on December 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'd suggest the memoir Townie, by Andre Dubus. It's an amazing book so I'd really suggest it to anyone, but it might resonate in your situation since he writes very powerfully about growing to love violence and depend on it in the context his life and environment. It's not the kind of redemption story you hear from sports type people, but he traces his slow path to becoming a writer and a family man, and learning how to care for the family that didn't always care for him. It's a transformation without any artificial epiphanies.
posted by sometamegazelle at 7:02 PM on December 16, 2015
posted by sometamegazelle at 7:02 PM on December 16, 2015
Tom Hardy almost ended up in prison as a teenager, and has a long history of drug and alcohol abuse.
posted by imaginary_mary at 7:13 PM on December 16, 2015
posted by imaginary_mary at 7:13 PM on December 16, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by kinetic at 11:10 AM on December 16, 2015