Preparing to go from One to Two Children
December 1, 2015 11:56 AM Subscribe
We are having another baby soon, and I'm really worried about handling it with my toddler, who is having some issues right now.
Question has been asked in some form before but some special snowflakes.
My daughter is now 21 months and is having a tough time, I think. She started a very well-regarded nursery school two months ago, and it's still not going entirely well -- she's still upset in the mornings when I leave and often later in the mornings according to the staff, and seems happy in the afternoons -- but sleeps about half the time there as she does at home. Even before starting nursery, she went from being an incredibly good eater (scarfing down kale and curries) to incredibly picky (plain pasta, bread and butter, pears, will get very angry if anything colorful is on her plate, and every meal we try.) Even her acceptable foods change from meal to meal.
She's also developed severe sleep issues and has reverted in the last few months to newborn like sleeping after months of pretty much sleeping through the night, where she wakes up every two hours and needs to be patted or held. Sometimes she has huge meltdowns right before bed or in the middle of the night that literally take hours for her to settle down afterwards. (We're exploring constipation as a reason -- related to bad eating habits?). She also often demands BOTH me and my husband to be there when she goes to sleep. She is extremely attached to us (which is nice!) but it makes it very difficult for us to leave her with a babysitter, for example, because she freaks out.
Yes, I know she's a baby, and we're the bosses. But it's really pathetic, and we often give in, just out of exhaustion, esp. in the middle of the night. And I don't want to give an overly bad impression -- she's often extremely cheerful and fun, spends most of her playtime looking at her books and playing with her dolls (she loves pretend play) and gives us lots of kisses and hugs. Her language skills (after being slow for a while) are shooting through the roof.
Anyway, she is now a lot of work, and it's very draining taking care of her (she's at nursery school three days a week, and I'm home with her two days a week.) We are having another baby soon and I'm terrified that she's not sleeping and is already having such severe tantrums that I don't know how I'll handle it. It's making me very anxious right now, esp. since I live far from my family and have only recently moved to a new place, and it's very hard for me the more pregnant I get and the tireder I feel. I'm having a few issues with my pregnancy that added stress is not helping either. My mother and the nursery staff suspects she knows that I am going to be less available in the coming months and is getting upset about it.
What can I do now that might make this transition easier? (We're thinking of switching to an in-home childcare situation, for example -- but will that just disrupt things more?) We're somewhat open to sleep training, but that has gone very badly for us in the past, and the kid can now scream for hours, poor thing. And to the extent these are just normal toddler issues, what can I do the second time around to make everything go well? I'll be home with the newborn probably for eight months or so, likely taking care of both of them 2 days a week.
Would also love practical tips unrelated to the above (invest in a double stroller or waste of money, for example?)
By the way, I have a doctor's appt. for her this week, so if there are any questions I should ask the doc, I'd love ideas!
Question has been asked in some form before but some special snowflakes.
My daughter is now 21 months and is having a tough time, I think. She started a very well-regarded nursery school two months ago, and it's still not going entirely well -- she's still upset in the mornings when I leave and often later in the mornings according to the staff, and seems happy in the afternoons -- but sleeps about half the time there as she does at home. Even before starting nursery, she went from being an incredibly good eater (scarfing down kale and curries) to incredibly picky (plain pasta, bread and butter, pears, will get very angry if anything colorful is on her plate, and every meal we try.) Even her acceptable foods change from meal to meal.
She's also developed severe sleep issues and has reverted in the last few months to newborn like sleeping after months of pretty much sleeping through the night, where she wakes up every two hours and needs to be patted or held. Sometimes she has huge meltdowns right before bed or in the middle of the night that literally take hours for her to settle down afterwards. (We're exploring constipation as a reason -- related to bad eating habits?). She also often demands BOTH me and my husband to be there when she goes to sleep. She is extremely attached to us (which is nice!) but it makes it very difficult for us to leave her with a babysitter, for example, because she freaks out.
Yes, I know she's a baby, and we're the bosses. But it's really pathetic, and we often give in, just out of exhaustion, esp. in the middle of the night. And I don't want to give an overly bad impression -- she's often extremely cheerful and fun, spends most of her playtime looking at her books and playing with her dolls (she loves pretend play) and gives us lots of kisses and hugs. Her language skills (after being slow for a while) are shooting through the roof.
Anyway, she is now a lot of work, and it's very draining taking care of her (she's at nursery school three days a week, and I'm home with her two days a week.) We are having another baby soon and I'm terrified that she's not sleeping and is already having such severe tantrums that I don't know how I'll handle it. It's making me very anxious right now, esp. since I live far from my family and have only recently moved to a new place, and it's very hard for me the more pregnant I get and the tireder I feel. I'm having a few issues with my pregnancy that added stress is not helping either. My mother and the nursery staff suspects she knows that I am going to be less available in the coming months and is getting upset about it.
What can I do now that might make this transition easier? (We're thinking of switching to an in-home childcare situation, for example -- but will that just disrupt things more?) We're somewhat open to sleep training, but that has gone very badly for us in the past, and the kid can now scream for hours, poor thing. And to the extent these are just normal toddler issues, what can I do the second time around to make everything go well? I'll be home with the newborn probably for eight months or so, likely taking care of both of them 2 days a week.
Would also love practical tips unrelated to the above (invest in a double stroller or waste of money, for example?)
By the way, I have a doctor's appt. for her this week, so if there are any questions I should ask the doc, I'd love ideas!
Sorry, probably should have noted that the double bike trailer-as-stroller would not be an option until baby was older.
posted by amro at 12:25 PM on December 1, 2015
posted by amro at 12:25 PM on December 1, 2015
We're in a similar situation, except that my daughter's sleep is fine and she loves daycare. When are you due with baby number two? My daughter will be 23 months in March and that is going to be... exciting. Just in time for the terrible twos.
I would definitely investigate the sleeping situation with her pediatrician. That seems like step number one to get things under control. I know that sleep is variable in toddlers, but that seems to me like a very significant regression. Have you tried moving her bedtime?
Is she actually constipated? Her diet sounds... toddler like. My kid so far is a strenuous vegetarian and the only protein she'll eat besides cheese and yogurt is tofu. Pasta with butter or mac and cheese is a go to and she mostly refuses anything else. My goal these days is making sure she's eaten enough of whatever she will eat, because I'd rather see her eat more crackers or blueberries or whatever than go hungry later.
As far as the childcare goes, it sounds like she's having a tough transition. But it IS a transition and it will pass. It's absolutely normal for them to sleep less at daycare, that shouldn't worry you, but the attachment issues sound like something that you can start addressing. Start teaching her that mom and dad always come back, that you love her even when you're not there, and try making drop-off into a game if you can.
I wouldn't change her daycare right now, that just sounds like a recipe for more transitional drama, if you think her nursery is a good place in general.
Good luck, she might just be pushing boundaries right now because she can, irrespective of the baby (which she may or may not intuit is coming, I know my daughter only has a vague idea of what is happening and she's 20 months old).
posted by lydhre at 12:26 PM on December 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
I would definitely investigate the sleeping situation with her pediatrician. That seems like step number one to get things under control. I know that sleep is variable in toddlers, but that seems to me like a very significant regression. Have you tried moving her bedtime?
Is she actually constipated? Her diet sounds... toddler like. My kid so far is a strenuous vegetarian and the only protein she'll eat besides cheese and yogurt is tofu. Pasta with butter or mac and cheese is a go to and she mostly refuses anything else. My goal these days is making sure she's eaten enough of whatever she will eat, because I'd rather see her eat more crackers or blueberries or whatever than go hungry later.
As far as the childcare goes, it sounds like she's having a tough transition. But it IS a transition and it will pass. It's absolutely normal for them to sleep less at daycare, that shouldn't worry you, but the attachment issues sound like something that you can start addressing. Start teaching her that mom and dad always come back, that you love her even when you're not there, and try making drop-off into a game if you can.
I wouldn't change her daycare right now, that just sounds like a recipe for more transitional drama, if you think her nursery is a good place in general.
Good luck, she might just be pushing boundaries right now because she can, irrespective of the baby (which she may or may not intuit is coming, I know my daughter only has a vague idea of what is happening and she's 20 months old).
posted by lydhre at 12:26 PM on December 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
The food pickiness seems completely normal - my daughter ate and enjoyed a very wide variety of foods as a baby, then about 18 months it started to get much much narrower (and kind of stayed that way, sigh).
Her adjustment to nursery school also seems pretty normal to me. It's still early days, especially since she goes part-time. As long as you like the place and she seems mostly happy (when she's not missing you), I would recommend keeping that consistent for her after the new baby comes rather than switching providers.
I would focus on trying to solve the sleep issues - some of the waking up might be developmental, but taking so long to settle... well, that's really rough on you.
Things will probably really suck for a while.
And we skipped the double stroller, no regrets.
posted by raxast at 12:27 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Her adjustment to nursery school also seems pretty normal to me. It's still early days, especially since she goes part-time. As long as you like the place and she seems mostly happy (when she's not missing you), I would recommend keeping that consistent for her after the new baby comes rather than switching providers.
I would focus on trying to solve the sleep issues - some of the waking up might be developmental, but taking so long to settle... well, that's really rough on you.
Things will probably really suck for a while.
And we skipped the double stroller, no regrets.
posted by raxast at 12:27 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Even before starting nursery, she went from being an incredibly good eater (scarfing down kale and curries) to incredibly picky (plain pasta, bread and butter, pears, will get very angry if anything colorful is on her plate, and every meal we try.) Even her acceptable foods change from meal to meal.
This is completely normal toddler behavior - both of mine (now 2.5 and 4) have done this at various times. My partner is a preschool teacher, so we have a fairly broad basis of comparison, too.
She's also developed severe sleep issues and has reverted in the last few months to newborn like sleeping after months of pretty much sleeping through the night, where she wakes up every two hours and needs to be patted or held. Sometimes she has huge meltdowns right before bed or in the middle of the night that literally take hours for her to settle down afterwards.
Again, totally normal. My 4 year old's sleeping patterns didn't really stabilize until this year, and I would occasionally be up in the wee hours trying to get him to go back to sleep and hear our neighbors wrestling with their howling toddler through our wall.
Yes, I know she's a baby, and we're the bosses. But it's really pathetic, and we often give in, just out of exhaustion, esp. in the middle of the night.
Every single parent I know does this - you are playing a *very* long game, so cut yourself some slack.
We never felt the need for a double stroller, but I regularly put the little one in an Ergo carrier, and the bigger one in a single stroller (an umbrella-style one we could take on the bus). It was a much more compact and easily stowed arrangement when we went out.
posted by ryanshepard at 12:28 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
This is completely normal toddler behavior - both of mine (now 2.5 and 4) have done this at various times. My partner is a preschool teacher, so we have a fairly broad basis of comparison, too.
She's also developed severe sleep issues and has reverted in the last few months to newborn like sleeping after months of pretty much sleeping through the night, where she wakes up every two hours and needs to be patted or held. Sometimes she has huge meltdowns right before bed or in the middle of the night that literally take hours for her to settle down afterwards.
Again, totally normal. My 4 year old's sleeping patterns didn't really stabilize until this year, and I would occasionally be up in the wee hours trying to get him to go back to sleep and hear our neighbors wrestling with their howling toddler through our wall.
Yes, I know she's a baby, and we're the bosses. But it's really pathetic, and we often give in, just out of exhaustion, esp. in the middle of the night.
Every single parent I know does this - you are playing a *very* long game, so cut yourself some slack.
We never felt the need for a double stroller, but I regularly put the little one in an Ergo carrier, and the bigger one in a single stroller (an umbrella-style one we could take on the bus). It was a much more compact and easily stowed arrangement when we went out.
posted by ryanshepard at 12:28 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Our daughter was about 2.5 when our second kid was born. We sent her to daycare ahead of the birth so that she wouldn't tie the two together. She really did not like the daycare and a good percentage of mornings she would be complaining that she didn't want to go. She never slept during nap time and it didn't seem like she made friends with the other kids. But we persisted with the daycare for 5-6 months, so until she was around 3. My wife and kids went abroad for a few months and while there she went to daycare and didn't like it either.
When she came back we sent her to a different daycare and I don't know if it was the staff, the realization that she will be going to daycare whether she wants to or not, general maturing, or some combination but she really liked that daycare. So perhaps try a day care that is a better fit?
We got a stroller that could convert to a double stroller (A Britax B-Ready) when our daughter was born. When it was just her the stroller was really cumbersome and we put up with it but weren't too thrilled with it. Once the second was born it became great though and we use it all the time.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 12:29 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
When she came back we sent her to a different daycare and I don't know if it was the staff, the realization that she will be going to daycare whether she wants to or not, general maturing, or some combination but she really liked that daycare. So perhaps try a day care that is a better fit?
We got a stroller that could convert to a double stroller (A Britax B-Ready) when our daughter was born. When it was just her the stroller was really cumbersome and we put up with it but weren't too thrilled with it. Once the second was born it became great though and we use it all the time.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 12:29 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
First of all, mazel-tov. How exciting!
What you're describing is pretty normal stuff for kids that age, as well as kids with pending new siblings. I'm sorry you're stressed about it, but things will calm down soon.
Your little girl is reacting to many changes, starting school, a new sibling, she's also at the time when kids are most easily frustrated. They're learning how to deal with emotions and starting to understand language, and just like anyone learning anything, you realize that what you want to achieve is not achievable with the skills you currently have. She can't verbalize her frustration, or understand it. That makes it harder for her (and you!)
I wouldn't change child care right now, she doesn't HATE her daycare, she's having a hard time adjusting. Speak to the staff there to see if there's something you can do to make transitions easier for her. When you pick her up, initiate a conversation with her about her day.
Keep talking to her about the baby and answer her questions. She's about as excited about another baby as you'd be about another wife. Reassure her that you love her. Describe her role as big-sister, in glowing terms. She's still not going to warm up to the idea right away, but there are parts of having a baby around that she might like.
Gird your loins, as previously mentioned things may get harder once you bring the baby home, she's not used to divided attention and she will push boundaries.
As for food, rather than putting things on her plate, let her choose. What you want to offer is baby-salad-bar. Lots of tempting things cut up into easily eaten pieces. You can have this ready in the fridge in a tray, just bring it out at every meal. Have chopped cucumber, cherry tomatoes, grapes, blueberries, cheese cubes, pretzel sticks, yogurt, whatever noms she enjoys. You can offer whatever the family is eating too, but now is not the time to get wrapped around the axel about food. Meals should be as frustration free as possible for everyone. She won't starve or get scurvy. I promise.
Sleeping. That will change too. This is really common among toddlers. It's also common for it to get better quickly too.
Start giving her little jobs to do and praise her for doing them. Build up her esteem as a big-girl, so that she can embrace her new status in the family.
Don't beat yourself up, not all things work with all kids. But this will soon pass, and you'll find your new normal.
I will say that whatever you do, don't give in on discipline stuff. If she's acting out, no matter how awful she's being, be sure to continue to be consistent in your parenting. Now, more than ever she needs things to be predictable. So routine is your friend.
Hang in there!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:40 PM on December 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
What you're describing is pretty normal stuff for kids that age, as well as kids with pending new siblings. I'm sorry you're stressed about it, but things will calm down soon.
Your little girl is reacting to many changes, starting school, a new sibling, she's also at the time when kids are most easily frustrated. They're learning how to deal with emotions and starting to understand language, and just like anyone learning anything, you realize that what you want to achieve is not achievable with the skills you currently have. She can't verbalize her frustration, or understand it. That makes it harder for her (and you!)
I wouldn't change child care right now, she doesn't HATE her daycare, she's having a hard time adjusting. Speak to the staff there to see if there's something you can do to make transitions easier for her. When you pick her up, initiate a conversation with her about her day.
Keep talking to her about the baby and answer her questions. She's about as excited about another baby as you'd be about another wife. Reassure her that you love her. Describe her role as big-sister, in glowing terms. She's still not going to warm up to the idea right away, but there are parts of having a baby around that she might like.
Gird your loins, as previously mentioned things may get harder once you bring the baby home, she's not used to divided attention and she will push boundaries.
As for food, rather than putting things on her plate, let her choose. What you want to offer is baby-salad-bar. Lots of tempting things cut up into easily eaten pieces. You can have this ready in the fridge in a tray, just bring it out at every meal. Have chopped cucumber, cherry tomatoes, grapes, blueberries, cheese cubes, pretzel sticks, yogurt, whatever noms she enjoys. You can offer whatever the family is eating too, but now is not the time to get wrapped around the axel about food. Meals should be as frustration free as possible for everyone. She won't starve or get scurvy. I promise.
Sleeping. That will change too. This is really common among toddlers. It's also common for it to get better quickly too.
Start giving her little jobs to do and praise her for doing them. Build up her esteem as a big-girl, so that she can embrace her new status in the family.
Don't beat yourself up, not all things work with all kids. But this will soon pass, and you'll find your new normal.
I will say that whatever you do, don't give in on discipline stuff. If she's acting out, no matter how awful she's being, be sure to continue to be consistent in your parenting. Now, more than ever she needs things to be predictable. So routine is your friend.
Hang in there!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:40 PM on December 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Chiming in to say that much of this sounds normal. My daughter was 18 months when we decided to have another baby and 27 months when he was born, and I was horrified when about halfway through my pregnancy she morphed from adorable, cheerful, friendly little person to tiny picky sleepless tyrant. Some of it might have been related to the changes she felt were coming, but I think most of it is just normal developmental stuff.
But we got through it. Now they're 3 and 1 and kind of play together and she's big on being my helper.
One thing I'm not sure that anyone else has mentioned - does she HAVE to go to nursery school right now or while you are on leave? Yes, it's hard being a stay at home parent to two very little ones, but it's possible, and being close to you might make a huge difference to her during these changes. I also live far away from my family and had a high risk second pregnancy, and had them both home with me fulltime until the youngest was nine months old - then the oldest started a preschool program 2.5 hours a day, two days a week (so it's not much of a break, but it's something). We watched a little more TV than I'd have liked, but I know she did better being around me all day right after he was born. At 21 months, there's probably only a little social advantage to being in care anyway.
For practical stuff, I do like having a double stroller. I probably use the Ergo + umbrella stroller combination a little more often now, but in the summer, I used the double daily. I bought mine used for $50. We also used the swing with impunity with the youngest when he was tiny, way more than I did with the oldest. If you go that route, get one that plugs in or you'll spend the college fund on batteries. I should have potty trained the oldest sooner than I did, so if you think she's ready, maybe give that a shot.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 2:08 PM on December 1, 2015
But we got through it. Now they're 3 and 1 and kind of play together and she's big on being my helper.
One thing I'm not sure that anyone else has mentioned - does she HAVE to go to nursery school right now or while you are on leave? Yes, it's hard being a stay at home parent to two very little ones, but it's possible, and being close to you might make a huge difference to her during these changes. I also live far away from my family and had a high risk second pregnancy, and had them both home with me fulltime until the youngest was nine months old - then the oldest started a preschool program 2.5 hours a day, two days a week (so it's not much of a break, but it's something). We watched a little more TV than I'd have liked, but I know she did better being around me all day right after he was born. At 21 months, there's probably only a little social advantage to being in care anyway.
For practical stuff, I do like having a double stroller. I probably use the Ergo + umbrella stroller combination a little more often now, but in the summer, I used the double daily. I bought mine used for $50. We also used the swing with impunity with the youngest when he was tiny, way more than I did with the oldest. If you go that route, get one that plugs in or you'll spend the college fund on batteries. I should have potty trained the oldest sooner than I did, so if you think she's ready, maybe give that a shot.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 2:08 PM on December 1, 2015
Funny, I have exactly the opposite view as peanut_mcgillicuty - I'd say ABSOLUTELY KEEP THE DAYCARE because I had a very hard time being pregnant and juggling a toddler, then having a newborn and juggling a toddler. Toddler needed me, but I needed my sanity more, y'know?
Nthing that all of this is stone cold normal and part of why my skin crawls at the thought of having kids closer together than the three years' difference we have. But, as my mom said, people have been doing this for millennia. You'll find a way through.
I think you may need to adopt a new standard for the next few months - every day that everyone wakes up alive is by definition a success. At 5 and 2, I'm finally starting to feel things ease up a bit. You don't have to lower your standards forever, but just know that this is a tough period, it's a tough period for everyone, and toddlers can absolutely survive on noodles and yogurt.
My hot tip is, when the baby comes, make a huge point of several times per day, in full view of the toddler, saying loudly "Baby, it is not your turn for mommy right now. It is Toddler's turn. You will have to wait." And set that baby down and pay attention to the toddler. Baby won't have enough brain cells yet to feel demeaned, toddler will feel morally superior, and everyone wins. In a similar vein, take every possible opportunity to point out things that the toddler can do that the baby hasn't learned to do yet: eat cake, walk, run, play with interesting toys, etc. But (within reason) also indulge Toddler a bit when they do want to act like a baby. Those regressions can be a tad irritating, but they don't last forever. Being the Big Kid can be a scary proposition.
When our daughter was a newborn, our son was nothing but kind to her - we never had concerns that he would hurt her. But he was an absolute total psycho shit to me. After all, I was the one ignoring him, not the baby. I think we hit the worst part of 3 with the worst part of adjusting to new sibling. Then when she got mobile, his head about exploded because he could no longer control her and she could touch his stuff and there was nothing he could do about it and head-exploding meltdown city. Don't underestimate this as a MAJOR LIFE EVENT.
BUT, at 5 and 2 all this is a distant memory and he's got her completely addicted to Star Wars (she totally answers to "Princess Leia", and calls Daddy "An'kin 'Walker") and they read stories together and play Legos together and it's absolutely worth that rotten end of pregnancy and first year. Watching their relationship develop has been a real joy.
It gets better. :)
posted by telepanda at 2:51 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
Nthing that all of this is stone cold normal and part of why my skin crawls at the thought of having kids closer together than the three years' difference we have. But, as my mom said, people have been doing this for millennia. You'll find a way through.
I think you may need to adopt a new standard for the next few months - every day that everyone wakes up alive is by definition a success. At 5 and 2, I'm finally starting to feel things ease up a bit. You don't have to lower your standards forever, but just know that this is a tough period, it's a tough period for everyone, and toddlers can absolutely survive on noodles and yogurt.
My hot tip is, when the baby comes, make a huge point of several times per day, in full view of the toddler, saying loudly "Baby, it is not your turn for mommy right now. It is Toddler's turn. You will have to wait." And set that baby down and pay attention to the toddler. Baby won't have enough brain cells yet to feel demeaned, toddler will feel morally superior, and everyone wins. In a similar vein, take every possible opportunity to point out things that the toddler can do that the baby hasn't learned to do yet: eat cake, walk, run, play with interesting toys, etc. But (within reason) also indulge Toddler a bit when they do want to act like a baby. Those regressions can be a tad irritating, but they don't last forever. Being the Big Kid can be a scary proposition.
When our daughter was a newborn, our son was nothing but kind to her - we never had concerns that he would hurt her. But he was an absolute total psycho shit to me. After all, I was the one ignoring him, not the baby. I think we hit the worst part of 3 with the worst part of adjusting to new sibling. Then when she got mobile, his head about exploded because he could no longer control her and she could touch his stuff and there was nothing he could do about it and head-exploding meltdown city. Don't underestimate this as a MAJOR LIFE EVENT.
BUT, at 5 and 2 all this is a distant memory and he's got her completely addicted to Star Wars (she totally answers to "Princess Leia", and calls Daddy "An'kin 'Walker") and they read stories together and play Legos together and it's absolutely worth that rotten end of pregnancy and first year. Watching their relationship develop has been a real joy.
It gets better. :)
posted by telepanda at 2:51 PM on December 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
I was just thinking about the daycare situation. First off, there's a kid in our daycare that started at 18 months old a few months ago and he had an awful transition. 18 months is a pretty neophobic time and I think it's a hard time to start daycare. He seems to be doing much better now though, so I think sticking with it is good.
Secondly, this depends heavily on your personal situation, but I can't help but wonder if it might not be better for her to go every day, even if it were for fewer hours? Little kids crave routine, or at least mine do, and they have such an awful sense of time that it seems like 3 days a week might be the worst of all worlds since just about every day is different from yesterday.
If that's not an option (or even if it is), I'd start trying to find more routines you can set. It'll be easier for her, and easier for you because once it's in place it requires less of your brainpower.
Also MeMail if you ever need a sympathetic ear, or just to vent!
posted by telepanda at 3:04 PM on December 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
Secondly, this depends heavily on your personal situation, but I can't help but wonder if it might not be better for her to go every day, even if it were for fewer hours? Little kids crave routine, or at least mine do, and they have such an awful sense of time that it seems like 3 days a week might be the worst of all worlds since just about every day is different from yesterday.
If that's not an option (or even if it is), I'd start trying to find more routines you can set. It'll be easier for her, and easier for you because once it's in place it requires less of your brainpower.
Also MeMail if you ever need a sympathetic ear, or just to vent!
posted by telepanda at 3:04 PM on December 1, 2015 [4 favorites]
Don't sleep train! That will only add to her separation anxiety. She sounds pretty normal, actually. You sound pretty normal as well, by the way. You will be fine. If you can afford in house care, please do it. Day care is not a good option for many children, and this is coming from someone who taught daycare for over a decade. Find someone fun who your child likes, who is able to take her to the park and other fun outings.
For the sleeping issues/separation anxiety/food issues- declutter your life. Get rid of anything that you don't need, including activities and items. She may be overstimulated, which is perfectly normal and shows her to be a sensitive child, who may be very artistic.
Play babies with her now. Change diapers and practice gentle holding. Do not get any doll that she can feed. Avoid talk about her being your big girl. She is too young for that. She still wants to be your baby. Let her know that she is your special baby girl, even after the new kid comes along. Let her help pick out baby supplies like the double stroller.
Pregnancy affects our brains. You won't remember most of the unpleasant stuff and she will outgrow it.
posted by myselfasme at 3:07 PM on December 1, 2015
For the sleeping issues/separation anxiety/food issues- declutter your life. Get rid of anything that you don't need, including activities and items. She may be overstimulated, which is perfectly normal and shows her to be a sensitive child, who may be very artistic.
Play babies with her now. Change diapers and practice gentle holding. Do not get any doll that she can feed. Avoid talk about her being your big girl. She is too young for that. She still wants to be your baby. Let her know that she is your special baby girl, even after the new kid comes along. Let her help pick out baby supplies like the double stroller.
Pregnancy affects our brains. You won't remember most of the unpleasant stuff and she will outgrow it.
posted by myselfasme at 3:07 PM on December 1, 2015
Just remembered another Jedi mind trick that we still do: from the moment I told my son I was pregnant, it was always "WE are getting a baby." Possessive plural, every time. Never "mommy is having a baby." I still refer to her as our baby: "our baby is mad!"
Of course I answered his questions about where she was growing and how she'd get out, but I never wanted him to feel like he was being replaced, and that phrasing conveys more of a "we're in this together" feeling.
He still calls her "our baby" sometimes.
posted by telepanda at 4:00 PM on December 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
Of course I answered his questions about where she was growing and how she'd get out, but I never wanted him to feel like he was being replaced, and that phrasing conveys more of a "we're in this together" feeling.
He still calls her "our baby" sometimes.
posted by telepanda at 4:00 PM on December 1, 2015 [6 favorites]
Ah man, my son was 17 months old when my daughter was born, and he really didn't seem to care, and so we didn't see much change till he hit about 21 (yep!) months old. He was still in home care (same nanny + mom) and no other major changes in his life at 21 months but that's when things that we thought we had figured out started going haywire - sleep, eating, the ever loving whining...So maybe it's just the age and while the upcoming sibling addition isn't going to help, it isn't the primary cause. That's not much of a consolation I know!
For me things were difficult when the elder hit 21 months, when sister started crawling (touching his stuff!) and then at about 27 months when he started preschool and sister started really walking (taking his stuff and walking off with it!!!). The combo of the last two was…rough…
I think maybe things are starting to smooth out for us (they're 32 and 16 months) at least for the moment. I hate to say that because I swear every-time I say things are good on metafilter, something goes off the rails ;). But the last 12 months has been pretty difficult, sometimes really difficult. It's helped when we can remember that it is NORMAL for it to be REALLY difficult. And do all of the usual recommendations: lower expectations, outsource, streamline, develop routines, integrate some time for self-care. There are good threads on mefi about this, or post another next week, we all love to share our survival strategies (I'm happy to share via memail too).
But it is getting easier, as they both get more independent, as the little one catches up with the older one and they can play together more, and as we figure out how to parent two children. And watching their relationship develop is really amazing! They take so much delight in each other. And overall I feel like my experience of parenting two children is shifting from the "exhausting" end of the scale towards the "fun" end. And when it's fun, it is so so fun and really kind of perfect (even with all its imperfections)!
We did a lot of the things telepanda recommended too, "baby you have to wait while mommy helps/cuddles/plays with toddler", and "we're having a baby" and even calling her his baby "your baby is hungry!", emphasize the cool things big kid can do, but let them be a baby when they need to, and we tried to point out things that she would learn from him "She can't stack blocks yet like you. Can you show her how? I bet she's going to be good at stacking blocks because she'll learn from you!", trying to talk positively about him being a good brother and about how much fun they have together. That sort of thing.
Remember the really hard parts are temporary, normal, and there are delightful, fun times that become more and more frequent.
posted by pennypiper at 5:21 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
For me things were difficult when the elder hit 21 months, when sister started crawling (touching his stuff!) and then at about 27 months when he started preschool and sister started really walking (taking his stuff and walking off with it!!!). The combo of the last two was…rough…
I think maybe things are starting to smooth out for us (they're 32 and 16 months) at least for the moment. I hate to say that because I swear every-time I say things are good on metafilter, something goes off the rails ;). But the last 12 months has been pretty difficult, sometimes really difficult. It's helped when we can remember that it is NORMAL for it to be REALLY difficult. And do all of the usual recommendations: lower expectations, outsource, streamline, develop routines, integrate some time for self-care. There are good threads on mefi about this, or post another next week, we all love to share our survival strategies (I'm happy to share via memail too).
But it is getting easier, as they both get more independent, as the little one catches up with the older one and they can play together more, and as we figure out how to parent two children. And watching their relationship develop is really amazing! They take so much delight in each other. And overall I feel like my experience of parenting two children is shifting from the "exhausting" end of the scale towards the "fun" end. And when it's fun, it is so so fun and really kind of perfect (even with all its imperfections)!
We did a lot of the things telepanda recommended too, "baby you have to wait while mommy helps/cuddles/plays with toddler", and "we're having a baby" and even calling her his baby "your baby is hungry!", emphasize the cool things big kid can do, but let them be a baby when they need to, and we tried to point out things that she would learn from him "She can't stack blocks yet like you. Can you show her how? I bet she's going to be good at stacking blocks because she'll learn from you!", trying to talk positively about him being a good brother and about how much fun they have together. That sort of thing.
Remember the really hard parts are temporary, normal, and there are delightful, fun times that become more and more frequent.
posted by pennypiper at 5:21 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Addressing a few more specific things you mentioned:
Could teething be a partial factor in sleep? If so, and it's in your toolbox, advil might help. We had a pretty major sleep regression around that time, and we haven't gotten back to where we were before (us being able to leave before he's asleep) but we haven't tried very hard b/c he's been having a hard time and all, and it's kind of become a sweet time most nights. But when his teeth are really hurting advil can make a huge difference in how well he sleeps.
For school, is it possible that it's the teacher? My eldest started preschool at about 27 months and HATED it. He had a new teacher when the fall "term" started and things changed dramatically. He still isn't loving school, and I think he has some individual challenges that make it tough, but he isn't sobbing and clinging to my legs every time I leave and I feel more confident that he is in good hands. I little while ago I bumped into the mom of one of his classmates at the park and she (and her daughter who is pretty much the polar opposite of my kid) had the exact same experience with the same teacher. Basically the teacher seems super "meh" about the kids, and it showed in how the kids felt about school. So if you get the feeling that it might be her current teacher's style (if the opportunity arises chat with another mom?), then you can think about whether it's worth investigating another option, or maybe she'll be aging into a new class/new teacher soon and you can wait till that happens and see how it goes before thinking about changing.
For gear, we/nanny use the double stroller ALL THE TIME. Neither of mine were consistently happy in the ergo (sometimes it's the best, sometimes it's like having a rabid weasel strapped to my chest), and their routine includes almost daily walking trips to two parks, plus their gear and their sand toys, etc. etc. plus the preschool. Plus my oldest is fearless and kind of impulsive, so being able to strap his wiggly self in was really important for a while. Heck, it still is sometimes. We just got this Graco double stroller, it's not sexy but it's cheap and is surprisingly easy to steer for being giant (like most doubles), and the wheels have held up well to our pothole ridden streets - those joggers can be pretty but I always wonder about getting a flat tire with an infant and a toddler and how that would have probably made me curl up and sob on the sidewalk at a few points over the course of the first 6+ months and then I'm really glad we have our boring stroller with hard plastic wheels that can't go flat. But I digress :) The double is kind of a pain to get in and out of a car (and we have a station wagon), so we don't take it in the car unless really necessary, mostly just use it in the neighborhood, oh and we have room in the garage to store it, so that helps. Obviously ymmv.
And neither of ours dug the $300 swing we got, but they both liked the vibrating bouncy seats - and we got a bunch of rechargeable batteries.
Oh, and we really like our video monitor with one camera for each room, so if we're in with one we can use either audio or video monitoring to watch the other depending on whether sound or light will be the least disruptive. And our white noise machines.
And my last two kid pro tip - costco, if you aren't already a convert, this is the place for you 1) large quantities of food for batch cooking + good frozen/prepared food + the rotisserie chickens 2) free samples to distract your kids and most importantly 3) room for two kids to be strapped into every cart -- it's hands down the easiest place I've found to shop with two kids.
posted by pennypiper at 5:43 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Could teething be a partial factor in sleep? If so, and it's in your toolbox, advil might help. We had a pretty major sleep regression around that time, and we haven't gotten back to where we were before (us being able to leave before he's asleep) but we haven't tried very hard b/c he's been having a hard time and all, and it's kind of become a sweet time most nights. But when his teeth are really hurting advil can make a huge difference in how well he sleeps.
For school, is it possible that it's the teacher? My eldest started preschool at about 27 months and HATED it. He had a new teacher when the fall "term" started and things changed dramatically. He still isn't loving school, and I think he has some individual challenges that make it tough, but he isn't sobbing and clinging to my legs every time I leave and I feel more confident that he is in good hands. I little while ago I bumped into the mom of one of his classmates at the park and she (and her daughter who is pretty much the polar opposite of my kid) had the exact same experience with the same teacher. Basically the teacher seems super "meh" about the kids, and it showed in how the kids felt about school. So if you get the feeling that it might be her current teacher's style (if the opportunity arises chat with another mom?), then you can think about whether it's worth investigating another option, or maybe she'll be aging into a new class/new teacher soon and you can wait till that happens and see how it goes before thinking about changing.
For gear, we/nanny use the double stroller ALL THE TIME. Neither of mine were consistently happy in the ergo (sometimes it's the best, sometimes it's like having a rabid weasel strapped to my chest), and their routine includes almost daily walking trips to two parks, plus their gear and their sand toys, etc. etc. plus the preschool. Plus my oldest is fearless and kind of impulsive, so being able to strap his wiggly self in was really important for a while. Heck, it still is sometimes. We just got this Graco double stroller, it's not sexy but it's cheap and is surprisingly easy to steer for being giant (like most doubles), and the wheels have held up well to our pothole ridden streets - those joggers can be pretty but I always wonder about getting a flat tire with an infant and a toddler and how that would have probably made me curl up and sob on the sidewalk at a few points over the course of the first 6+ months and then I'm really glad we have our boring stroller with hard plastic wheels that can't go flat. But I digress :) The double is kind of a pain to get in and out of a car (and we have a station wagon), so we don't take it in the car unless really necessary, mostly just use it in the neighborhood, oh and we have room in the garage to store it, so that helps. Obviously ymmv.
And neither of ours dug the $300 swing we got, but they both liked the vibrating bouncy seats - and we got a bunch of rechargeable batteries.
Oh, and we really like our video monitor with one camera for each room, so if we're in with one we can use either audio or video monitoring to watch the other depending on whether sound or light will be the least disruptive. And our white noise machines.
And my last two kid pro tip - costco, if you aren't already a convert, this is the place for you 1) large quantities of food for batch cooking + good frozen/prepared food + the rotisserie chickens 2) free samples to distract your kids and most importantly 3) room for two kids to be strapped into every cart -- it's hands down the easiest place I've found to shop with two kids.
posted by pennypiper at 5:43 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Everybody has made excellent points which I won't bother repeating. One thing my sister told me when I was at my wits end with my toddler (I then had a baby after so they were twenty months apart) was that whatever you're going through will pass soon enough. All of this is just stages. It's easy to get stressed about it and think that this is how it's going to be forever but in a month or two, it will be over and they will be onto something else. So try and relax and know that you and she will get through it. And congratulations!
posted by Jubey at 7:07 PM on December 1, 2015
posted by Jubey at 7:07 PM on December 1, 2015
I also wanted to chime in and say I think Daycare is a great idea... don't feel pressured to keep your toddler home. Your sanity and new baby's health is just as important as toddler's... we are expecting our second and our first will be starting at nursery in January, it breaks our heart but its really for the best. As far as the sleep? I would ask around and hire a sleep coach...
posted by flink at 11:28 PM on December 1, 2015
posted by flink at 11:28 PM on December 1, 2015
We didn't buy a double stroller because it's hard to squeeze into public transport. We opted for the buggy board instead and it's been worth every Euro.
You fold it up and tie it to the handlebar when not in use. Bigger kid rides along while you push smaller kid. Eventually they decide to swap and smallerkid rides along, beaming with pride, while bigger kid gets to play baby again.
They hop on and off as they please. It's just very versatile, and things change so much in the first two years!
posted by Omnomnom at 5:00 AM on December 2, 2015
You fold it up and tie it to the handlebar when not in use. Bigger kid rides along while you push smaller kid. Eventually they decide to swap and smallerkid rides along, beaming with pride, while bigger kid gets to play baby again.
They hop on and off as they please. It's just very versatile, and things change so much in the first two years!
posted by Omnomnom at 5:00 AM on December 2, 2015
Hi! My daughter is 20 months and has been in daycare for 2.5 months. She just stopped crying when I left... today. It was glorious! But, yep, it can take awhile. Also, she sleeps 1.5 - 3hrs at home for nap, and at daycare, 45 min. At home, when she hits her 45 min sleep transition, she rolls over and goes back to sleep. At daycare, she gets up.
For the sleep stuff, we have never had a good sleeper, so I don't have great advice there. And that's all so specific to the kid anyway, I think. But if you are worried about constipation, have you tried probiotics? Those are great for our daughter. Also, colorful foods. Have you tried colorful goldfish? If she gobbles regular goldfish, that could be one 'in' to more colorful foods. Good luck!
posted by mirabelle at 7:39 AM on December 2, 2015
For the sleep stuff, we have never had a good sleeper, so I don't have great advice there. And that's all so specific to the kid anyway, I think. But if you are worried about constipation, have you tried probiotics? Those are great for our daughter. Also, colorful foods. Have you tried colorful goldfish? If she gobbles regular goldfish, that could be one 'in' to more colorful foods. Good luck!
posted by mirabelle at 7:39 AM on December 2, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
I won't lie - it is very, very likely that things will get worse for a few weeks to a month when the baby is born. My son was harder than my newborn for the first three weeks. But it will get better after that.
I would not recommend disrupting your daughter's routine if you can avoid it. Keep her in school three days a week. Switching to in-home daycare would just be even more change for her.
I would definitely recommend a mother's helper for a few hours on the days you're home with both kids. It's so much easier when you have back-up to help you.
We have used our double stroller twice, maybe (and my daughter is now 18 months). Two options to consider (we've done both): our regular single stroller for the baby and a light (11 lb) folding umbrella stroller with a carrying strap just in case we need it. Or, if you would have use for a double bike trailer, ours can also be used as a double stroller. Came in handy when we were on vacation and rented bikes because we didn't need to pack strollers AND the trailer.
posted by amro at 12:23 PM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]