For a successful marriage, marry your second spouse.
November 30, 2015 12:54 PM Subscribe
What are some truisms that you know of or have learnt through your personal experience when it comes to deciding whom to marry?
What are some good rules of thumb to finding the right partner the first time around?
Some of the other ones that I've heard about choosing your life partner take on the following forms:
*They say that you don't marry your spouse but you marry their family.
*Find not whom you can live without, rather whom you can live with.
What have you learnt through your own marriage that you could possibly condense down to a couple of words/sentences that could help me think through what to look out for as I decide to take my relationship forward.
Some of the other ones that I've heard about choosing your life partner take on the following forms:
*They say that you don't marry your spouse but you marry their family.
*Find not whom you can live without, rather whom you can live with.
What have you learnt through your own marriage that you could possibly condense down to a couple of words/sentences that could help me think through what to look out for as I decide to take my relationship forward.
I think a better gauge is to see how he treats people in the service industry!
posted by soren_lorensen at 12:58 PM on November 30, 2015 [47 favorites]
posted by soren_lorensen at 12:58 PM on November 30, 2015 [47 favorites]
I may be full of shit, being unmarried. But as someone cohabitating with someone I intend to marry and already have a mutual agreement of commitment to a partnership with:
It's a partnership. You're looking for someone to form a permanent, cooperative team with. You're choosing sides, and you need to be able to be on their side in all circumstances (and them yours).
posted by cmoj at 1:00 PM on November 30, 2015 [10 favorites]
It's a partnership. You're looking for someone to form a permanent, cooperative team with. You're choosing sides, and you need to be able to be on their side in all circumstances (and them yours).
posted by cmoj at 1:00 PM on November 30, 2015 [10 favorites]
[to continue the thread started by kinetic]: Or how he treats supposedly "unattractive" older women since they don't typically have a lot of leverage in our society. The first time I heard my now-husband's voice, I couldn't see him. I just listened to his conversation with one of the many elderly women who participate in a hobby we both enjoy. I was struck by how respectful, humble, inquisitive, and genuinely friendly he was. I remember listening to him talk and thinking "I wish someone that kind and wonderful would walk into my life." I definitely felt a thrill when I realized he was a handsome guy around my age. Two years and a wedding later, he is still just as sweet.
posted by pinetree at 1:05 PM on November 30, 2015 [101 favorites]
posted by pinetree at 1:05 PM on November 30, 2015 [101 favorites]
Nthing partnership. You have to be on the same team and going the same direction, even if the direction changes and stops and starts over the years. There's enough resistance in the world without getting it from your spouse.
My folks have been married 40+ years and I always admired that in their marriage, then went and did the exact opposite in my first marriage.
posted by getawaysticks at 1:05 PM on November 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
My folks have been married 40+ years and I always admired that in their marriage, then went and did the exact opposite in my first marriage.
posted by getawaysticks at 1:05 PM on November 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
I have long thought that I could run a successful marriage counseling service using a tandem bicycle.
The advice out of that for you is: do something hard that requires you to work together in close synchronization and with little room for error. Something that will annoy one or both of you a lot. See how you work together when annoyed, because the moments when you are annoyed and still have to work together are the moments when you will either pull together or pull apart.
posted by gauche at 1:06 PM on November 30, 2015 [18 favorites]
The advice out of that for you is: do something hard that requires you to work together in close synchronization and with little room for error. Something that will annoy one or both of you a lot. See how you work together when annoyed, because the moments when you are annoyed and still have to work together are the moments when you will either pull together or pull apart.
posted by gauche at 1:06 PM on November 30, 2015 [18 favorites]
The New York Times has a list of questions couples should ask (or wish they had) before marrying that I think is very good. Included on the list:
- Do our ideas about spending and saving money mesh? Do we have long-term financial goals? Financial obligations? What are they?
- Are we going to have children? Who will be the primary caregiver if so?
- How will the household be maintained? Who will do what?
- Will there be a TV in the bedroom?
The most important thing in my view is: can you two communicate effectively about things which are difficult to discuss? Sex, money, family, how you spend your time, etc. Communication is everything; I think it is the only thing.
posted by sockermom at 1:08 PM on November 30, 2015 [16 favorites]
- Do our ideas about spending and saving money mesh? Do we have long-term financial goals? Financial obligations? What are they?
- Are we going to have children? Who will be the primary caregiver if so?
- How will the household be maintained? Who will do what?
- Will there be a TV in the bedroom?
The most important thing in my view is: can you two communicate effectively about things which are difficult to discuss? Sex, money, family, how you spend your time, etc. Communication is everything; I think it is the only thing.
posted by sockermom at 1:08 PM on November 30, 2015 [16 favorites]
Learn to deal with conflict before you get married, not after.
There's three parties to a relationship: You, your partner, and the relationship itself. Consider what's best for at least two of the three parties in all decisions and actions.
It's not Me vs. You, it's Us vs. The Problem.
posted by lizbunny at 1:09 PM on November 30, 2015 [36 favorites]
There's three parties to a relationship: You, your partner, and the relationship itself. Consider what's best for at least two of the three parties in all decisions and actions.
It's not Me vs. You, it's Us vs. The Problem.
posted by lizbunny at 1:09 PM on November 30, 2015 [36 favorites]
For me, "Wait until you're both settled" turned out to be a pointless strain on our relationship. We're happily married now, and the rare issues mostly come from places where we got settled into habits as individuals or prioritized our now-meaningless ideas about career advancement over each other. The most rewarding moments come when we "settle in" together to do something as a team, even when it's something that disproportionately involves one of us, like a job. If I had it to do over again I'd have proposed years earlier than I did, and recognized that for the kind of marriage we both wanted to have "finding ourselves" was a meaningless idea without the other person involved.
posted by Polycarp at 1:10 PM on November 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Polycarp at 1:10 PM on November 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
The things you love most about your spouse will (often) become the things that annoy you the most. Make sure you can live with them (e.g., "He's so driven!" becomes "He never wants to spend a lazy weekend at home!").
posted by Etrigan at 1:10 PM on November 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Etrigan at 1:10 PM on November 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
"Love is not looking at each other, but looking together in the same direction." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Basically what everyone else said about working together as a team. I don't think that can be overemphasized.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:14 PM on November 30, 2015 [18 favorites]
Basically what everyone else said about working together as a team. I don't think that can be overemphasized.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:14 PM on November 30, 2015 [18 favorites]
A marriage is essentially a business partnership. You get married in order to pool your resources (current and future) as a state-sanctioned means of providing security for you, your spouse, and your offspring. As such, the most important factor is trust.
Everything else that people say about marriage is stuff you have to deal with when cohabiting and/or raising children, but you can do both of those without getting married.
posted by kindall at 1:15 PM on November 30, 2015 [9 favorites]
Everything else that people say about marriage is stuff you have to deal with when cohabiting and/or raising children, but you can do both of those without getting married.
posted by kindall at 1:15 PM on November 30, 2015 [9 favorites]
I didn't understand Nora Ephron's "Never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorced from." until I saw how respectful and kind one man was as he went through a long divorce process.
posted by ldthomps at 1:22 PM on November 30, 2015 [41 favorites]
posted by ldthomps at 1:22 PM on November 30, 2015 [41 favorites]
“A good marriage is where both people feel like they're getting the better end of the deal.” ― Anne Lamott, Joe Jones.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 1:24 PM on November 30, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 1:24 PM on November 30, 2015 [15 favorites]
Check his credit score- a man who cannot manage his finances cannot manage a wife.
Marry someone with the same core beliefs as you. This goes back to his family. If they are awful and you hate them, then run. Men usually turn into either their mom or dad as they age.
Yes, sex is that important.
Look for someone who can make you laugh even when you really don't think that you want to laugh.
posted by myselfasme at 1:25 PM on November 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
Marry someone with the same core beliefs as you. This goes back to his family. If they are awful and you hate them, then run. Men usually turn into either their mom or dad as they age.
Yes, sex is that important.
Look for someone who can make you laugh even when you really don't think that you want to laugh.
posted by myselfasme at 1:25 PM on November 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
The thing I remember isn't a piece of advice per se, but something a friend of my mother's said to her about my parents' marriage (second for both my parents): that they had never poisoned their marriage by saying terrible things to each other. My mother's comment to me, which really resonated after my ex-husband said some very hurtful things to me, was that she had learned this by some of the arguments she and her first husband had had, and presumably also my dad and his ex.
TL;DR: Be careful what you say, especially when angry, because you never know what will hurt deeply and lodge in your spouse's memory.
posted by immlass at 1:29 PM on November 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
TL;DR: Be careful what you say, especially when angry, because you never know what will hurt deeply and lodge in your spouse's memory.
posted by immlass at 1:29 PM on November 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
A marriage is essentially a business partnership.
I had a counselor who said this and it's good advice. You can care about a person but would you go into business with them? Unless you are the rare couple who travels the world on an unlimited budget, a lot of your married life is going to include laundry, cooking, yard work, tidying, bills, budgeting etc. If you have a cat add more to the list. If you have a dog add even more to the list. If you decide to add kids, add feedings, diapers, school, doctors, ferrying to after school stuff, car insurance, saving for college and who knows what else. (Aside - your profile says you are male. If your partner is female, please make sure you don't let the bulk of this stuff fall on her! It can be insidious - my wife always seems to end up doing more than me even though I am actively helpful. It's a constant battle to keep things equal)
It's really, *really* important to pick a person who will take all that life throws at them and catch it, then know what to do with it. If you've just been dating or in the comparative EZ-mode of two incomes no kids and going back and forth to each others' apartments as desired*, it can be really hard to know what lies beneath.
* If you are doing this and it doesn't seem to be EZ-mode, that's not a good sign. It's the least stress your relationship will ever be under; consider that.
Also what pinetree and others said: Someone who is patient and kind with all types of people is probably a winner. Nice to wait staff and retail staff? Good. Nice to people of different backgrounds/intelligence levels/life paths? Also good.
Good luck!
posted by freecellwizard at 1:36 PM on November 30, 2015 [30 favorites]
I had a counselor who said this and it's good advice. You can care about a person but would you go into business with them? Unless you are the rare couple who travels the world on an unlimited budget, a lot of your married life is going to include laundry, cooking, yard work, tidying, bills, budgeting etc. If you have a cat add more to the list. If you have a dog add even more to the list. If you decide to add kids, add feedings, diapers, school, doctors, ferrying to after school stuff, car insurance, saving for college and who knows what else. (Aside - your profile says you are male. If your partner is female, please make sure you don't let the bulk of this stuff fall on her! It can be insidious - my wife always seems to end up doing more than me even though I am actively helpful. It's a constant battle to keep things equal)
It's really, *really* important to pick a person who will take all that life throws at them and catch it, then know what to do with it. If you've just been dating or in the comparative EZ-mode of two incomes no kids and going back and forth to each others' apartments as desired*, it can be really hard to know what lies beneath.
* If you are doing this and it doesn't seem to be EZ-mode, that's not a good sign. It's the least stress your relationship will ever be under; consider that.
Also what pinetree and others said: Someone who is patient and kind with all types of people is probably a winner. Nice to wait staff and retail staff? Good. Nice to people of different backgrounds/intelligence levels/life paths? Also good.
Good luck!
posted by freecellwizard at 1:36 PM on November 30, 2015 [30 favorites]
Mine are meant to be inclusive of queer and poly relationships, so read accordingly please.
You are on the same team.
Don't agree on established roles if you don't like them
The only rules of the relationship are the ones the people in the relationship agree to, so negotiate according to *your* values and needs, be careful not to solely accommodate what you think the other(s) wants or needs.
Be sure your spending habits are all in-line and agreed to before combining finances.
Make sure your career aligns with your home life, not the other way around. When you are 75 years old, how you loved will matter more than how you worked.
Don't interrupt, expect the same in return.
Don't yell across the house, walk over to the person, look them in the eye, and speak to them clearly. Expect the same in return.
Um. There's probably eleven thousand more things I could add but I think that's a good start.
posted by Annika Cicada at 1:36 PM on November 30, 2015 [13 favorites]
You are on the same team.
Don't agree on established roles if you don't like them
The only rules of the relationship are the ones the people in the relationship agree to, so negotiate according to *your* values and needs, be careful not to solely accommodate what you think the other(s) wants or needs.
Be sure your spending habits are all in-line and agreed to before combining finances.
Make sure your career aligns with your home life, not the other way around. When you are 75 years old, how you loved will matter more than how you worked.
Don't interrupt, expect the same in return.
Don't yell across the house, walk over to the person, look them in the eye, and speak to them clearly. Expect the same in return.
Um. There's probably eleven thousand more things I could add but I think that's a good start.
posted by Annika Cicada at 1:36 PM on November 30, 2015 [13 favorites]
Speak as you'd like to be spoken to, especially when you're bothered about something.
posted by wryly at 1:40 PM on November 30, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by wryly at 1:40 PM on November 30, 2015 [11 favorites]
*They say that you don't marry your spouse but you marry their family.
I never found this one to apply to us. We have a good relationship with our families but don't spend very much time with them at all.
The only thing that I found to be true for us is "When you know, you know". I never had a millisecond of cold feet or worry that she was the right one. I don't mean to imply that it has to be this way for everyone, but it was a very very easy decision for me.
posted by ftm at 1:42 PM on November 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
I never found this one to apply to us. We have a good relationship with our families but don't spend very much time with them at all.
The only thing that I found to be true for us is "When you know, you know". I never had a millisecond of cold feet or worry that she was the right one. I don't mean to imply that it has to be this way for everyone, but it was a very very easy decision for me.
posted by ftm at 1:42 PM on November 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
Wait. Just wait. You should both be able to wait. If you've already had the "we're FOR each other" talk, you should be able to wait to get married. I mean, it's fine to want to BE married, but if you have had a mature talk with another mature person and you're committed, there's nothing (save a need to provide health insurance) that should rush it. If someone is rushing or impatient, it's a red flag (to me) that there's a lack of trust and confidence that the other person really meant it.
posted by ersatzkat at 1:50 PM on November 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by ersatzkat at 1:50 PM on November 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
Marry in haste, repent at leisure.
Ima gonna take ma sweet time on this go-round with love. There's really no need to rush into marriage.
posted by honey-barbara at 2:00 PM on November 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Ima gonna take ma sweet time on this go-round with love. There's really no need to rush into marriage.
posted by honey-barbara at 2:00 PM on November 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's fine not to be happy sometimes. But your happiness is your own responsibility, and no one else's. If your situation makes you unhappy, and you can do something about it to change that, do it.
in other words, don't marry someone who won't help themselves.
posted by lizbunny at 2:03 PM on November 30, 2015 [24 favorites]
in other words, don't marry someone who won't help themselves.
posted by lizbunny at 2:03 PM on November 30, 2015 [24 favorites]
It's important to me that my husband is better than nobody. To extroverts I guess that sounds like damning praise; I'm such an introvert that there's no-one else I would say it of.
posted by clew at 2:05 PM on November 30, 2015 [41 favorites]
posted by clew at 2:05 PM on November 30, 2015 [41 favorites]
Kirk and Spock, Picard and Riker, Janeway and Chakotay.
posted by Tanizaki at 2:12 PM on November 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Tanizaki at 2:12 PM on November 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
Marry the version of the person you see before you right now, exactly as they are today. I cannot tell you how often I've heard "Well, I thought after we got married, s/he would get a real job / finish school / take the lawn seriously / drink less / go out less / be less of a slob / learn to manage money / take career more seriously / want to have kids" or whatever.
NO. Unless you are willing to spend eternity with the broke-ass slob who can't cook, DO NOT marry the broke-ass slob who can't cook. Marriage does not push people into Adulting and only means you are now married to the exact same broke-ass slob who can't cook.
I am not saying people don't change with age and maturity. I am saying: a) they ways in which they will mature are entirely unpredictable, and b) marriage is not the thing that makes that happen.
Note: When we got hitched, I was a slob, my husband couldn't cook, and we were broke. 11 years later, I am still a slob, my husband can do about 20% of the cooking, and we're still broke. It works because nobody was under any illusions about what anyone else was bringing to the table.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:53 PM on November 30, 2015 [57 favorites]
NO. Unless you are willing to spend eternity with the broke-ass slob who can't cook, DO NOT marry the broke-ass slob who can't cook. Marriage does not push people into Adulting and only means you are now married to the exact same broke-ass slob who can't cook.
I am not saying people don't change with age and maturity. I am saying: a) they ways in which they will mature are entirely unpredictable, and b) marriage is not the thing that makes that happen.
Note: When we got hitched, I was a slob, my husband couldn't cook, and we were broke. 11 years later, I am still a slob, my husband can do about 20% of the cooking, and we're still broke. It works because nobody was under any illusions about what anyone else was bringing to the table.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:53 PM on November 30, 2015 [57 favorites]
Don't marry someone who isn't happy being alone. Your relationship should make them happier, not happy. Marrying someone who thinks you have fixed them is a disaster in the making, because it means that if you spend time on yourself it will be seen as desertion. It also means that if they become unhappy, they will be more likely to blame you than they are to work on themselves.
Get a prenup. Seriously. Not to protect family money or anything like that, but because a prenup will force you to talk through a lot of the big important issues before you get married. It will also give you an idea of how your partner will be in a divorce. I wish I had done it.
posted by frumiousb at 3:17 PM on November 30, 2015 [14 favorites]
Get a prenup. Seriously. Not to protect family money or anything like that, but because a prenup will force you to talk through a lot of the big important issues before you get married. It will also give you an idea of how your partner will be in a divorce. I wish I had done it.
posted by frumiousb at 3:17 PM on November 30, 2015 [14 favorites]
There will be a lot of decisions to make in life. Financial decisions. Health decisions. Child-rearing decisions. Decisions about what to communicate, and what to hold back (ie, picking your battles).
Here's the thing: Marry the person whose judgment you trust.
If you are incapacitated in some way, if you are not available to participate in the decision-making process, when they say "babe, I had to spend our last hundred bucks" on something you would otherwise find useless, you want to be married to the person that you trust so much that you will think to yourself "well, if you had to, you had to."
posted by vignettist at 3:21 PM on November 30, 2015 [13 favorites]
Here's the thing: Marry the person whose judgment you trust.
If you are incapacitated in some way, if you are not available to participate in the decision-making process, when they say "babe, I had to spend our last hundred bucks" on something you would otherwise find useless, you want to be married to the person that you trust so much that you will think to yourself "well, if you had to, you had to."
posted by vignettist at 3:21 PM on November 30, 2015 [13 favorites]
How they treat animals is another one I hear often.
posted by jeffamaphone at 3:54 PM on November 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by jeffamaphone at 3:54 PM on November 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
I am probably the worst wife ever because I completely eschewed all such "advice" and married a guy who is truly my best friend, we can swear like truckers around each other and make each other laugh so hard that we want to wet our pants. We know we individually and we as a couple have flaws and are far from perfect, and it's cool.
Probably not the most mature advice, but it works insanely well for us.
Life has enough serious bits where with my husband, I know that we will get through it because we make each other laugh, warts and all.
posted by floweredfish at 4:29 PM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Probably not the most mature advice, but it works insanely well for us.
Life has enough serious bits where with my husband, I know that we will get through it because we make each other laugh, warts and all.
posted by floweredfish at 4:29 PM on November 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Shared interests are not as important as shared values and worldview. From the outside, my spouse and I have a Paula Abdul "Opposites Attract" relationship in terms of interests and activities. I love documentaries. He loathes them. He loves basketball. I have a lifelong fear of ball sports. I'm die-hard bookworm. He is completely baffled by how "reading" is my hobby.
But we have shared sense of justice and a shared view of what is important and when I'm outraged by something shitty in the world he is going to be outraged as well.
posted by spamandkimchi at 5:33 PM on November 30, 2015 [6 favorites]
But we have shared sense of justice and a shared view of what is important and when I'm outraged by something shitty in the world he is going to be outraged as well.
posted by spamandkimchi at 5:33 PM on November 30, 2015 [6 favorites]
Check his credit score- a man who cannot manage his finances cannot manage a wife.
Why would one's wife need to be managed?
posted by DarlingBri at 6:37 PM on November 30, 2015 [27 favorites]
Why would one's wife need to be managed?
posted by DarlingBri at 6:37 PM on November 30, 2015 [27 favorites]
If you want to know someone, go on a vacation with them (especially a long car trip). Something will go wrong (something always goes wrong) you will both be out of your element, and there will be stress. If you still like each other afterwards, well, that's a good sign.
Also you learn which one of you is directionally challenged. Hopefully it's not both of you.
posted by emjaybee at 6:53 PM on November 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Also you learn which one of you is directionally challenged. Hopefully it's not both of you.
posted by emjaybee at 6:53 PM on November 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
A related flip-side of DarlingBri's comment (which I agree with): only be with someone who takes you just as you are, where you are in your personal journey, and who has a mission to love you, not change you. This does not mean that your boo does not inspire your own personally-driven growth, or encourage you as you journey through life, or challenge you about complacency in behaviors - but it does mean that they love you as you are and will continue loving you, even if you do not change. This is related to me to the red flags of a controlling partner. So, one-liner: don't marry a fixer, marry a builder (of love, support, family, community).
posted by anya32 at 6:54 PM on November 30, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by anya32 at 6:54 PM on November 30, 2015 [10 favorites]
Do you want to spend your life with this person?
That's the only question that really matters. Everything else is details that can be worked out.
posted by COD at 7:08 PM on November 30, 2015
That's the only question that really matters. Everything else is details that can be worked out.
posted by COD at 7:08 PM on November 30, 2015
A mathematical algorithm for choosing your spouse.
posted by MsMolly at 7:19 PM on November 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 7:19 PM on November 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Mine were pretty simple:
Now, from a more practical side:
posted by jadepearl at 7:31 PM on November 30, 2015 [11 favorites]
- What does he do or how does he react when I ask him to put out the garbage?
- How does he treat me when I am sick?
- Can I love his mother?
Now, from a more practical side:
- broke ass is contagious, avoid disease
- likable for an extended period of time outside of bed
- good influence on each other
- will wreak appropriate vengeance on your behalf
posted by jadepearl at 7:31 PM on November 30, 2015 [11 favorites]
If you want to find out compatibility, paint a small bathroom together.
posted by AugustWest at 9:44 PM on November 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 9:44 PM on November 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
In general I would consider the list of things people fight about as a guideline to compatibility. I think the usual list contains:
Circumstances change, but it's never wise to bank on a person's nature changing. They might, but don't count on it. More likely, they (like you) will settle in to a comfortable groove as the two of you age and feel accepted by one another, expressing ever-more-thoroughly their (and your) earlier tendencies.
posted by ead at 10:20 PM on November 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
- Sex
- Kids
- Money
- Inlaws
- Religion
- Politics
- Career path
- Gender roles
- Communication and conflict style
- Domestic work / cleaning / cooking / daily schedule
- Structure of living space (smoking, pets, temperature, music..)
- Where you live / commuting / community choice
- Social activity level / going-out energy level
- Intellectual life, interests
Circumstances change, but it's never wise to bank on a person's nature changing. They might, but don't count on it. More likely, they (like you) will settle in to a comfortable groove as the two of you age and feel accepted by one another, expressing ever-more-thoroughly their (and your) earlier tendencies.
posted by ead at 10:20 PM on November 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
Think of the worst thing you ever did and tell your partner. Even if you were young and stupid, if he or she doesn't accept you after the fact then you're not a match.
posted by Kpyrhdp0912 at 11:14 PM on November 30, 2015
posted by Kpyrhdp0912 at 11:14 PM on November 30, 2015
How a person talks about their exes and how they discuss nuttiness at work are dating/marriage flags.
When all of their exes are referred to as batshit insane crazy people who devastated them, some day I will also be a batshit insane crazy person who devastated them. It also means that they're not capable of listening or working things out because they're so taken aback when someone breaks up with them.
If everyone at work is a moron, it means the way they interact with the world is filled with hostility.
Also, I'm in Boston so I know crazy drivers, but when they scream at other drivers and flip them off and drive on their asses, no matter how well composed they are the rest of the time, this always ends up meaning when they get annoyed they're going to yell at me.
posted by kinetic at 2:49 AM on December 1, 2015 [7 favorites]
When all of their exes are referred to as batshit insane crazy people who devastated them, some day I will also be a batshit insane crazy person who devastated them. It also means that they're not capable of listening or working things out because they're so taken aback when someone breaks up with them.
If everyone at work is a moron, it means the way they interact with the world is filled with hostility.
Also, I'm in Boston so I know crazy drivers, but when they scream at other drivers and flip them off and drive on their asses, no matter how well composed they are the rest of the time, this always ends up meaning when they get annoyed they're going to yell at me.
posted by kinetic at 2:49 AM on December 1, 2015 [7 favorites]
The best marriages are the ones where both partners think the other is the smart one.
posted by thetortoise at 3:21 AM on December 1, 2015 [17 favorites]
posted by thetortoise at 3:21 AM on December 1, 2015 [17 favorites]
I find it relatively easy to be kind to my wife. I wish I was a better person and found it easy to be kind to everyone, but that's not the case. From the beginning, I've found that I'm a better version of myself around her. I don't quite understand that dynamic, but it is one of the things that made me so sure we should get married. (I also agree with many of the points made above, including that sex is important.)
posted by Area Man at 6:48 AM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Area Man at 6:48 AM on December 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
Never stop courting.
posted by The Girl Who Ate Boston at 3:42 PM on December 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by The Girl Who Ate Boston at 3:42 PM on December 1, 2015 [3 favorites]
Strongly disagree that credit scores are some sort of a measure of character, especially in this economy. Don't use them as an indicator of anything.
Other than that, I'd say to look for someone who is dependable, who does what he says he's going to do, when he says he'll do it. Someone who respects you and your time by making plans with you in advance. Someone who texts or calls back within reasonable timeframes. Someone who wants to make sure you get back to your car safely after dinner and walks you there. Someone who asks follow-up questions about something you talked about before, because he's interested in knowing how it turned out. Someone who is kind, to you and to others. Someone you feel safe around. Those are things that are important to me anyway.
I read a really good thing awhile back on how successful marriages happen when couples can recognize each other's "bids" for attention and respond accordingly. Here's an article that summarizes it.
posted by triggerfinger at 9:27 PM on December 1, 2015 [8 favorites]
Other than that, I'd say to look for someone who is dependable, who does what he says he's going to do, when he says he'll do it. Someone who respects you and your time by making plans with you in advance. Someone who texts or calls back within reasonable timeframes. Someone who wants to make sure you get back to your car safely after dinner and walks you there. Someone who asks follow-up questions about something you talked about before, because he's interested in knowing how it turned out. Someone who is kind, to you and to others. Someone you feel safe around. Those are things that are important to me anyway.
I read a really good thing awhile back on how successful marriages happen when couples can recognize each other's "bids" for attention and respond accordingly. Here's an article that summarizes it.
posted by triggerfinger at 9:27 PM on December 1, 2015 [8 favorites]
"Formal courtesy between husband and wife is even more important than it is between strangers."
-- Robert A. Heinlein
posted by bryon at 4:13 AM on December 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
-- Robert A. Heinlein
posted by bryon at 4:13 AM on December 2, 2015 [4 favorites]
The key to making a good fire, is to put the logs close enough together, but with just enough space between them. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.
posted by storybored at 2:56 PM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by storybored at 2:56 PM on December 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
In my experience, this is complete bullshit.
posted by kinetic at 12:57 PM on November 30, 2015 [29 favorites]