Do I need to go to this funeral?
November 27, 2015 4:26 PM Subscribe
Yes, I know it’s always nice to go as a gesture of support, but how important is it really, in this scenario?
-I’ve never met the deceased (a close friend’s long-term partner’s parent).
-I’m very close to the friend, not close at all to the partner (friendly, but only interact casually, in group settings) although I’ve known them both for several years.
-I’m not sure how close my friend was with the deceased (I think he’s sad but not devastated). His partner was very close to the parent, and is very sad, but it was not a sudden or unexpected death.
-I doubt I’d be giving any real support to either of them, it’d just be “making an appearance”. That said, I think my friend is expecting me to go and will be unhappy with me if I don't.
-Several people in our friend group are already planning to go, but carpooling doesn’t look like it’ll work for various reasons.
-The main reason I don’t want to go: the funeral is about 1.5h drive, each way, and is a saturday morning, hours earlier than my normal weekend waking time. So it’s a big time investment and more importantly, I’ll be losing my usual recovery from a week of sleep deprivation. So I know it'd be nice if I went, but I really really don't want to. Should I suck it up and go anyway? Does anyone actually care that much?
-I’ve never met the deceased (a close friend’s long-term partner’s parent).
-I’m very close to the friend, not close at all to the partner (friendly, but only interact casually, in group settings) although I’ve known them both for several years.
-I’m not sure how close my friend was with the deceased (I think he’s sad but not devastated). His partner was very close to the parent, and is very sad, but it was not a sudden or unexpected death.
-I doubt I’d be giving any real support to either of them, it’d just be “making an appearance”. That said, I think my friend is expecting me to go and will be unhappy with me if I don't.
-Several people in our friend group are already planning to go, but carpooling doesn’t look like it’ll work for various reasons.
-The main reason I don’t want to go: the funeral is about 1.5h drive, each way, and is a saturday morning, hours earlier than my normal weekend waking time. So it’s a big time investment and more importantly, I’ll be losing my usual recovery from a week of sleep deprivation. So I know it'd be nice if I went, but I really really don't want to. Should I suck it up and go anyway? Does anyone actually care that much?
I would not go to this funeral.
posted by phunniemee at 4:31 PM on November 27, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 4:31 PM on November 27, 2015 [10 favorites]
I think my friend is expecting me to go and will be unhappy with me if I don't.
This is the decider for me. Try to go to bed earlier the night before to compensate for the sleep deprivation.
Sorry, it sucks.
posted by tel3path at 4:32 PM on November 27, 2015 [22 favorites]
This is the decider for me. Try to go to bed earlier the night before to compensate for the sleep deprivation.
Sorry, it sucks.
posted by tel3path at 4:32 PM on November 27, 2015 [22 favorites]
It really depends on the norms among your social circle. But if your very close friend wants your support, your lifestyle choice of depriving yourself of sleep during the week is a pretty lame excuse. Can you think of anything you might enjoy doing in the funeral town to make the day feel less painful?
posted by metasarah at 4:36 PM on November 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 4:36 PM on November 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
No. You never have to do anything. If you don't want to do something, you don't need a reason beyond that.
posted by paulcole at 4:41 PM on November 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by paulcole at 4:41 PM on November 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
Making an appearance counts as real support. I think probably you should see what carpooling options are available, and if you really can't go, at least send your friend a meal.
posted by jeather at 4:42 PM on November 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by jeather at 4:42 PM on November 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'd talk to friend and discuss the difficulties associated, i.e. ask don't guess. It doesn't sound likely that the family of the deceased even knows you at all, except maybe your friend's partner. The only person who seems to have an expectation here, based on what you said, is your friend, and for a friend to get grouchy with you because you didn't make a long trip to a friend's partner's parent's funeral is kind of a stretch, esp. as it sounds like several other mutual friends are already going.
Also, I have wound up attending the funerals of people I don't really know before, and it can get hella awkward. The question is always "How did you know ______?"
posted by randomkeystrike at 4:57 PM on November 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
Also, I have wound up attending the funerals of people I don't really know before, and it can get hella awkward. The question is always "How did you know ______?"
posted by randomkeystrike at 4:57 PM on November 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think my friend is expecting me to go and will be unhappy with me if I don't.
As noted above, this is the key sentence for me. You're never *obliged* to go to a funeral (or anything else). But, as always, funerals are about the living and not the dead. I don't know why it's important to your friend that you (and others) attend a funeral which is special for the partner, but I can imagine a number of scenarios where this would matter.
I'm someone for whom sleep is a big serious deal, and getting too little sleep would mess up more than just that day for me, so I have sympathy for your reason. All the same, if it would really mean that much to your friend, I would suck it up and go anyhow. Hopefully you can find a way to go to sleep earlier the night before.
posted by frumiousb at 4:59 PM on November 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
As noted above, this is the key sentence for me. You're never *obliged* to go to a funeral (or anything else). But, as always, funerals are about the living and not the dead. I don't know why it's important to your friend that you (and others) attend a funeral which is special for the partner, but I can imagine a number of scenarios where this would matter.
I'm someone for whom sleep is a big serious deal, and getting too little sleep would mess up more than just that day for me, so I have sympathy for your reason. All the same, if it would really mean that much to your friend, I would suck it up and go anyhow. Hopefully you can find a way to go to sleep earlier the night before.
posted by frumiousb at 4:59 PM on November 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
You always go to the funeral.
I would say maybe this is one of the rare exceptions, except you said "I think my friend is expecting me to go and will be unhappy with me if I don't." So how much do you care about this friend?
posted by MsMolly at 5:00 PM on November 27, 2015 [15 favorites]
I would say maybe this is one of the rare exceptions, except you said "I think my friend is expecting me to go and will be unhappy with me if I don't." So how much do you care about this friend?
posted by MsMolly at 5:00 PM on November 27, 2015 [15 favorites]
I think my friend is expecting me to go and will be unhappy with me if I don't....
Does anyone actually care that much?
Well, clearly your friend does. Only you can decide if the journey is worth it , but you likely have to tell your friend something and I think it needs to be better than "I needed sleep".
I'd ask them if they need me to be there. If they say yes, and you can go, then you go. Your friend needs you. If you don't show and they were expecting you and your absence is noticed, that can be hurtful to someone counting on your support.
posted by inturnaround at 5:01 PM on November 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
Does anyone actually care that much?
Well, clearly your friend does. Only you can decide if the journey is worth it , but you likely have to tell your friend something and I think it needs to be better than "I needed sleep".
I'd ask them if they need me to be there. If they say yes, and you can go, then you go. Your friend needs you. If you don't show and they were expecting you and your absence is noticed, that can be hurtful to someone counting on your support.
posted by inturnaround at 5:01 PM on November 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think my friend is expecting me to go and will be unhappy with me if I don't.
Whether or not you should go depends on how important the above is to you.
If you want to support your friend but truly don't feel you can do so in person, maybe consider sending flowers.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:01 PM on November 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
Whether or not you should go depends on how important the above is to you.
If you want to support your friend but truly don't feel you can do so in person, maybe consider sending flowers.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:01 PM on November 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think my friend is expecting me to go and will be unhappy with me if I don't.
In my experience friends who are actually close are far and few between, and hard to come by. Maintenance of those relationships by doing things close friends do would be a priority for me in that situation.
So, if your friend is really a good friend, and you are in fact close, and they're expecting you to go, I think you should go.
You'd probably be willing lose some sleep if they wanted to stay up talking about how things were playing out. "Making an appearance" is a different kind of support, but it is meaningful to people in many situations, even situations like weddings and funerals where people necessarily have a limited amount of attention to give to you.
If you think there's room for doubt that this is important, directly *ask* your friend what kind of support would be important to them the weekend of the funeral (unless you or your friend is from guess culture instead of ask culture, in which case, just rely on your current impression and go).
The main reason I don’t want to go: the funeral is about 1.5h drive, each way, and is a saturday morning, hours earlier than my normal weekend waking time.
I was a little surprised to find out this was the obstacle. From the build up I think I'd started expecting it to be in a different state and requiring an airplane flight.
I don't want to downplay sleep entirely; I just heard a story of someone trying to get ahead by working three part-time jobs who has shorting his sleep and got in an accident this week likely related to drowsy driving. If you're shorting yourself on sleep because it's absolutely necessary to make your life work, then I can see why you're concerned. But getting a ride and sitting through a funeral on a Saturday for a friend and then finding another time to catch up on sleep seems doable absent unusual demands.
Finally... always go to the funeral. OK, maybe not always always. But consider this: "In my humdrum life, the daily battle hasn't been good versus evil. It's hardly so epic. Most days, my real battle is doing good versus doing nothing." And consider, also, that even funerals of people you do not know well can function as a memento mori and as a prompt for other kinds of perspective.
Of course, because it's your life, if you really don't want to go, you don't have to go. These are just some of the reasons people do.
posted by namespan at 5:14 PM on November 27, 2015 [26 favorites]
In my experience friends who are actually close are far and few between, and hard to come by. Maintenance of those relationships by doing things close friends do would be a priority for me in that situation.
So, if your friend is really a good friend, and you are in fact close, and they're expecting you to go, I think you should go.
You'd probably be willing lose some sleep if they wanted to stay up talking about how things were playing out. "Making an appearance" is a different kind of support, but it is meaningful to people in many situations, even situations like weddings and funerals where people necessarily have a limited amount of attention to give to you.
If you think there's room for doubt that this is important, directly *ask* your friend what kind of support would be important to them the weekend of the funeral (unless you or your friend is from guess culture instead of ask culture, in which case, just rely on your current impression and go).
The main reason I don’t want to go: the funeral is about 1.5h drive, each way, and is a saturday morning, hours earlier than my normal weekend waking time.
I was a little surprised to find out this was the obstacle. From the build up I think I'd started expecting it to be in a different state and requiring an airplane flight.
I don't want to downplay sleep entirely; I just heard a story of someone trying to get ahead by working three part-time jobs who has shorting his sleep and got in an accident this week likely related to drowsy driving. If you're shorting yourself on sleep because it's absolutely necessary to make your life work, then I can see why you're concerned. But getting a ride and sitting through a funeral on a Saturday for a friend and then finding another time to catch up on sleep seems doable absent unusual demands.
Finally... always go to the funeral. OK, maybe not always always. But consider this: "In my humdrum life, the daily battle hasn't been good versus evil. It's hardly so epic. Most days, my real battle is doing good versus doing nothing." And consider, also, that even funerals of people you do not know well can function as a memento mori and as a prompt for other kinds of perspective.
Of course, because it's your life, if you really don't want to go, you don't have to go. These are just some of the reasons people do.
posted by namespan at 5:14 PM on November 27, 2015 [26 favorites]
Every time I've had an edge-case social obligation funeral situation, I've gone, and each time, I was very glad I went. In one case it was because there was a sparse turnout and I was glad I could fill a seat. So, you just never know.
I know, it sucks, and chances are the friend wouldn't necessarily miss you or hold it against you, but if you know that it would mean something to your friend, it might be worth it.
posted by Pax at 5:23 PM on November 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
I know, it sucks, and chances are the friend wouldn't necessarily miss you or hold it against you, but if you know that it would mean something to your friend, it might be worth it.
posted by Pax at 5:23 PM on November 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
I would basically never go to an out-of-town funeral for someone I didn't personally know, but you've already said your friend is expecting you to go and will be hurt if you don't. It doesn't really matter what the internet thinks. Your friend is expecting you to go and will be hurt if you don't. Go. Have a nap when you get back in the afternoon.
posted by jacquilynne at 5:33 PM on November 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by jacquilynne at 5:33 PM on November 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think my friend is expecting me to go and will be unhappy with me if I don't.
I would go and I am one of those people for whom not getting enough sleep turns me into a scary banshee (and I dislike formal and/or social obligations of other people) but I think I would go. Make yourself some sort of deal, bribe yourself and do something just flat out decadent (by whatever your definition of that is) afterwards. (or stay over the night before in the town, get room service and somehow make it worth your while...)
That is unless you think the friend really wants you to go but the friend actually doesn't care. See if you can figure out that aspect of it beforehand if there is a possible way.
posted by jessamyn at 5:39 PM on November 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
I would go and I am one of those people for whom not getting enough sleep turns me into a scary banshee (and I dislike formal and/or social obligations of other people) but I think I would go. Make yourself some sort of deal, bribe yourself and do something just flat out decadent (by whatever your definition of that is) afterwards. (or stay over the night before in the town, get room service and somehow make it worth your while...)
That is unless you think the friend really wants you to go but the friend actually doesn't care. See if you can figure out that aspect of it beforehand if there is a possible way.
posted by jessamyn at 5:39 PM on November 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
People are saying you need to suck it up and go because your friend wants you to, and that's the price of friendship, but friendship is a two-way street. Some of your other friends are already going, you don't know the partner that well, let alone the actual deceased, the funeral is 1.5 hours each way, the carpooling didn't work out for you, and it's early in the day when you need your rest. Call your friend to express condolences and explain why you can't make it. If friend is still mad, then he is the one who's a dick.
I say this as someone who has gone to a lot of viewings to support people I don't know that well.
posted by unannihilated at 5:44 PM on November 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
I say this as someone who has gone to a lot of viewings to support people I don't know that well.
posted by unannihilated at 5:44 PM on November 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
You said you think your friend wants you to. Why don't you clarify with your friend to be sure?
If they really want you to go, I think you should do it, as an act of friendship. But it's very possible you pieced something together wrong, and really all they want is your support, not your physical presence at the funeral.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 5:53 PM on November 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
If they really want you to go, I think you should do it, as an act of friendship. But it's very possible you pieced something together wrong, and really all they want is your support, not your physical presence at the funeral.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 5:53 PM on November 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
Your close friend is dealing with a partner grieving a lost parent, and would like the support of their circle of friends as he/she tries to be a good support to the partner who has just lost a parent. And your friend may have been close to this parental figure too.
This isn't a distant aunt or second cousin situation, it's a big loss to a close friend and they want and need friends around. If you can't make it on the day itself which happens -what if you had the flu?- buy flowers but don't let the matter stop there. Be there for your friend after then, go to visit and the partner, write a condolence card, bring them food or buy them a meal and be a friend.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:55 PM on November 27, 2015 [7 favorites]
This isn't a distant aunt or second cousin situation, it's a big loss to a close friend and they want and need friends around. If you can't make it on the day itself which happens -what if you had the flu?- buy flowers but don't let the matter stop there. Be there for your friend after then, go to visit and the partner, write a condolence card, bring them food or buy them a meal and be a friend.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:55 PM on November 27, 2015 [7 favorites]
How partnered are these partners? Is the deceased more like "your friend's mother/father-in-law?" Does your friend feel like they're co-hosting this funeral with his/her partner? So much goes into a funeral -- showing up for just the service is already a low level of participation. Since you're good friends with this friend, I tend to think you should go.
But since you really don't want to go, I think you could instead talk to them ahead of time about how it's not going to be possible, and that you're sorry, but it's just very hard for you for XYZ reasons. Then I'd try to show support in other ways. For instance, you could call the evening before the funeral to ask how the viewing went that evening or drop by before they leave for Town B to give them a mini care package (tissues, chocolate, mints, a few power bars). Basically, there are ways to be a really solid friend for them even without being at Place X at Time Y. But I'd be careful not to put the whole thing out of your mind at a time when they want support.
posted by salvia at 5:59 PM on November 27, 2015
But since you really don't want to go, I think you could instead talk to them ahead of time about how it's not going to be possible, and that you're sorry, but it's just very hard for you for XYZ reasons. Then I'd try to show support in other ways. For instance, you could call the evening before the funeral to ask how the viewing went that evening or drop by before they leave for Town B to give them a mini care package (tissues, chocolate, mints, a few power bars). Basically, there are ways to be a really solid friend for them even without being at Place X at Time Y. But I'd be careful not to put the whole thing out of your mind at a time when they want support.
posted by salvia at 5:59 PM on November 27, 2015
I'm wondering how the answers would line up if you knew which responders had lost an immediate family member. Few people understand how hard that is until they've experienced it themselves. Losing a parent is always extremely difficult, and this is your close friend's long-term partner. And you know your friend will be disappointed if you don't go. I can't even describe how deeply it's appreciated when people attend the funeral - and I've appreciated it even more when the connection wasn't as close. You don't even need to buy a plane ticket. Suck it up and go. You're doing it for your friend.
And ask yourself this question. Would you drive the same distance for your friend's wedding? I would guess you would. You're more needed in a time of sorrow than in a time of joy.
posted by FencingGal at 6:21 PM on November 27, 2015 [23 favorites]
And ask yourself this question. Would you drive the same distance for your friend's wedding? I would guess you would. You're more needed in a time of sorrow than in a time of joy.
posted by FencingGal at 6:21 PM on November 27, 2015 [23 favorites]
When I was younger I skipped some funerals in situations like this, cuz I figured my presence didn't matter and I didn't want to go. But as I've gotten older I've come to realize how much it means to get support from friends. And how hurt some friends were that I blew them off. So if you're friend has made it clear they want you there, go. And then give yourself permission to nap later or do whatever self-care you need in return for caring for your friend.
posted by ldthomps at 6:23 PM on November 27, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by ldthomps at 6:23 PM on November 27, 2015 [7 favorites]
A friend of a friend of mine's mother passed away a few years ago , and I went to the funeral not just to support him but to support my friend there helping him. One person in the friend group did not go for reasons similar to yours and I still remember how awkward it was when he asked where she was. If you don't go reaching out beforehand would be a good idea, it may prevent things being strained later on.
posted by lepus at 6:28 PM on November 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by lepus at 6:28 PM on November 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
I went to a funeral at exactly this level of social distance. My friend was surprisingly grateful I was there and everyone else I knew was too. I think it was worth it. Funerals are also a compelling nudge to think about your own life, relationships, and goals.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 6:36 PM on November 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by pseudostrabismus at 6:36 PM on November 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
If you consider your friend family, then go. I.e. I would go to my sister's in law's funeral. I would not go to a friend's in law's funeral until they somehow reached sister level to me. YMMV. Resentment can build in friendships without boundaries.
posted by Kalmya at 6:56 PM on November 27, 2015
posted by Kalmya at 6:56 PM on November 27, 2015
I would absolutely go. It's such a wonderful way to let someone know you care.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:01 PM on November 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:01 PM on November 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
As a datapoint, I deeply touched when friends and coworkers came to my dad's funeral even though they hadn't ever met him. They left shortly after the reception started. Coming to the service was a really lovely gesture. I have now made it a point to go and show support.
posted by mochapickle at 7:37 PM on November 27, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by mochapickle at 7:37 PM on November 27, 2015 [9 favorites]
I think you could instead talk to them ahead of time about how it's not going to be possible, and that you're sorry, but it's just very hard for you for XYZ reasons
I just buried my father, so my response is coloured by that, but please don't do this. Don't make the funeral all about you and your need to sleep in - they are grieving and planning a funeral and are pretty much the epitome of "comfort in, dump out". Complaining to them that the funeral is mildly inconvenient to you can be friendship-ending. Your friend would like you to show up, they need your support; this is the type of thing that shows what your character really is.
posted by saucysault at 7:41 PM on November 27, 2015 [26 favorites]
I just buried my father, so my response is coloured by that, but please don't do this. Don't make the funeral all about you and your need to sleep in - they are grieving and planning a funeral and are pretty much the epitome of "comfort in, dump out". Complaining to them that the funeral is mildly inconvenient to you can be friendship-ending. Your friend would like you to show up, they need your support; this is the type of thing that shows what your character really is.
posted by saucysault at 7:41 PM on November 27, 2015 [26 favorites]
Trust me you'll be glad you went. Every time I'm on the edge about going to some important event, whether it's a wedding or a funeral or to meet someone's baby, I'm always glad I went. No matter how annoying or expensive or time consuming or the awkwardness of running into someone I didn't want to at the event, I'm still glad I went. Your very close friends wants you there and this is one of those moments where you step up to the plate. Just do it.
posted by whoaali at 7:47 PM on November 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by whoaali at 7:47 PM on November 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
Please, please be there for your friend.
Your question read like you don't know how hard a death can be on a person. It's hard in many ways and stripes, and your friend has said clearly that you're needed. Please show.
posted by vers at 8:12 PM on November 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
Your question read like you don't know how hard a death can be on a person. It's hard in many ways and stripes, and your friend has said clearly that you're needed. Please show.
posted by vers at 8:12 PM on November 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
I agree with everyone here telling you to go. People do care that much, and it will mean a lot to your friend.
But in the event that you don't go, please don't tell anyone that it was because you had to catch up on your sleep.
posted by alligatorman at 8:22 PM on November 27, 2015 [8 favorites]
But in the event that you don't go, please don't tell anyone that it was because you had to catch up on your sleep.
posted by alligatorman at 8:22 PM on November 27, 2015 [8 favorites]
Yeah, go. I've never once regretted going, even when the connection has been 3rd degree or whatever. More importantly, sounds like your friend needs backup.
I do understand the hell of sleep issues, though, as well as the anxiety of promising you can go to something early and far when you're not sure you can actually make it and worrying about everyone judging you for being a no-show/disaster of a person. (I also almost missed a funeral for the same reason.)
If that's it - if poss - go the night before, and treat yourself to a B&B or hotel room with a wake-up call and a hot breakfast. (If you're like me, you might sleep better at a hotel.) Win-win. (er not really but you know what I mean)
(Or stay at a friend's in the area, if that's more feasible. Not with the friend who's grieving, though [obviously]).
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:55 PM on November 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
I do understand the hell of sleep issues, though, as well as the anxiety of promising you can go to something early and far when you're not sure you can actually make it and worrying about everyone judging you for being a no-show/disaster of a person. (I also almost missed a funeral for the same reason.)
If that's it - if poss - go the night before, and treat yourself to a B&B or hotel room with a wake-up call and a hot breakfast. (If you're like me, you might sleep better at a hotel.) Win-win. (er not really but you know what I mean)
(Or stay at a friend's in the area, if that's more feasible. Not with the friend who's grieving, though [obviously]).
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:55 PM on November 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
If I was your friend, and I found out you skipped out on supporting me to catch up on your sleep/ because you didn't feel like driving that far, I wouldn't even slow fade you. I'd just never speak to you again. It's up to you to make a decision, but please think about how it comes across when you say you'd rather sleep in than support a close friend.
posted by Ruki at 8:59 PM on November 27, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by Ruki at 8:59 PM on November 27, 2015 [8 favorites]
(It sounds like OP might have serious sleep issues. Which definitely isn't a reason not to go, but might be a bigger obstacle than one would think. Also it sounds like OP might worry that going might be inappropriate [not "close enough"]. It's not inappropriate. If someone asks you to go to a funeral, take their word that they want you there.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:03 PM on November 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:03 PM on November 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
Go to the funeral. Take a nap in the afternoon.
Go for your friend. It's not about you, or your friend's partner. It's about your friend.
posted by notsnot at 9:17 PM on November 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
Go for your friend. It's not about you, or your friend's partner. It's about your friend.
posted by notsnot at 9:17 PM on November 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
Dude, "I'd really like to sleep late that day" is a seriously shitty reason to skip a funeral when your close friend has expressed a desire that you be there. Funerals aren't really supposed to be enjoyable or convenient. If the sleep situation is that bad, stay the night before at an inexpensive motel closer to the funeral.
posted by holborne at 9:42 PM on November 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by holborne at 9:42 PM on November 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
Wow, people are making lots of presumptions here. Somehow the "I think" clause from the OP is being morphed into "definitely absolutely". People are assuming that the OP's sleep deprivation during the week is a personal choice rather than a reality of their schedule or a medical issue. And people who might not agree that the OP must go or else be the most terrible person Evar are having their opinions discredited because they must not have lost someone close to them and/or they must not understand how hard losing someone can be.
For the record, I watched my grandmother die. I put my life on pause and cared for my father as he died of esophageal cancer. I put my life on pause and cared for a close, close friend and former lover who had end stage liver disease eventually died of liver cancer. I get it, mkay? I understand what it feels like to lose someone very close to me. Now that my creds are established, might I be allowed to differ somewhat from the herd pile-on here?
The OP said they thought the friend would want them to go. They did not express certainty about this fact. And it seems like the most pivotal fact, here, whether or not the friend actually wants them to go to the funeral or whether they simply want emotional support.
For myself, I would not have objected but I would have found it somewhat odd if, say, my friend showed up at the funeral of my partner's parent, when they did not know that parent at all and when they weren't close to my partner. It would never occur to me in million years to ask such a person to go.
OP is not a horrible person for questioning whether they must go to this funeral or not.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 10:47 PM on November 27, 2015 [14 favorites]
For the record, I watched my grandmother die. I put my life on pause and cared for my father as he died of esophageal cancer. I put my life on pause and cared for a close, close friend and former lover who had end stage liver disease eventually died of liver cancer. I get it, mkay? I understand what it feels like to lose someone very close to me. Now that my creds are established, might I be allowed to differ somewhat from the herd pile-on here?
The OP said they thought the friend would want them to go. They did not express certainty about this fact. And it seems like the most pivotal fact, here, whether or not the friend actually wants them to go to the funeral or whether they simply want emotional support.
For myself, I would not have objected but I would have found it somewhat odd if, say, my friend showed up at the funeral of my partner's parent, when they did not know that parent at all and when they weren't close to my partner. It would never occur to me in million years to ask such a person to go.
OP is not a horrible person for questioning whether they must go to this funeral or not.
posted by mysterious_stranger at 10:47 PM on November 27, 2015 [14 favorites]
As someone who lost my father two years ago today:
Yes, having someone put in appearance does matter. It meant a lot to me to have people there and I was grateful for each and every person even people who were not that close.
As for feeling out of place - if anyone asks how you know that person, you just say - I'm here to support X friend. That's it. No sane person would think worse of you for that.
Also, I feel for you on the sleep issue. If you end up not going you can tell your friend you were not feeling well. But if you go, you'll be glad you did.
posted by M. at 2:20 AM on November 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
Yes, having someone put in appearance does matter. It meant a lot to me to have people there and I was grateful for each and every person even people who were not that close.
As for feeling out of place - if anyone asks how you know that person, you just say - I'm here to support X friend. That's it. No sane person would think worse of you for that.
Also, I feel for you on the sleep issue. If you end up not going you can tell your friend you were not feeling well. But if you go, you'll be glad you did.
posted by M. at 2:20 AM on November 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
I would ask friend first just to clarify.
I would NOT say "hey this is going to suck for me but I'll go if that's what you want." I'd ask more something like "how are you guys holding up, how is Partner feeling, would it be helpful for me to go to the funeral or would it be better to see you afterwards?"- just to feel it out and make sure you know what's really expected/desired.
For some people, presence at the funeral is the marker of public respect which is most genuinely appreciated. For others, a friend coming over later in the day with a tray of lasagna and some private chat time would be better. You should do whatever is going to make your friend feel most loved and supported. Even if it means going to the funeral, (which I totally understand sounds like a pain and is, objectively, a weird expectation.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:22 AM on November 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
I would NOT say "hey this is going to suck for me but I'll go if that's what you want." I'd ask more something like "how are you guys holding up, how is Partner feeling, would it be helpful for me to go to the funeral or would it be better to see you afterwards?"- just to feel it out and make sure you know what's really expected/desired.
For some people, presence at the funeral is the marker of public respect which is most genuinely appreciated. For others, a friend coming over later in the day with a tray of lasagna and some private chat time would be better. You should do whatever is going to make your friend feel most loved and supported. Even if it means going to the funeral, (which I totally understand sounds like a pain and is, objectively, a weird expectation.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:22 AM on November 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
As others have said, it's better to go and then possibly regret aspects of it than not go and never know.
I skipped a funeral a couple of years back due to a fit of pique I had about the invite (or something), and I have regretted that decision practically every day since. Death itself has its own significance.
At the very least you will have stuff to think about on the drive home.
posted by colie at 10:27 AM on November 28, 2015
I skipped a funeral a couple of years back due to a fit of pique I had about the invite (or something), and I have regretted that decision practically every day since. Death itself has its own significance.
At the very least you will have stuff to think about on the drive home.
posted by colie at 10:27 AM on November 28, 2015
Hang on what, you're a mate of the boy/girlfriend of the child of the dead person, and you're wondering if you have to go to their funeral? Are you absolutely sure you're actually invited (by the actual family, not by your friend who is probably trying to avoid being stuck socialising with a load of people they don't know)? How big is this funeral, is the entire town going? Seems wildly presumptuous of your friend to invite all of their random friends from my UK perspective, and definitely inappropriate for you to go.
I've lost several family members, including the recent death of an in-law. My husband didn't invite his own friends to the funeral as they didn't know his family member well enough. I certainly didn't invite any of my friends and I would have thought it seriously weird if they'd turned up, especially if they'd travelled some distance to do so. Obviously they knew the funeral was going ahead as I'd talked about it, but you just don't go to the funerals of people you don't know unless there is a very good reason - it would be seen as very odd behaviour.
But yeah if your friend specifically wants you to be at the funeral of their partner's parent for some reason, I guess you treat this like any other slightly weird favour that's important to them? That's assuming the rest of the family are ok with it - my husband's family would certainly not have appreciated random friends of friends intruding on their grief. I do think you need to check that before you show up - funerals aren't spectator sports, and a crowd of strangers turning up could cause serious offence (it's not like you will be able to muster any show of grief, you didn't know this person existed before they died). There's a strong risk the family might think you've just turned up for the free food and drink, or that your friend is taking the piss inviting a gaggle of strangers.
posted by tinkletown at 5:13 PM on November 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
I've lost several family members, including the recent death of an in-law. My husband didn't invite his own friends to the funeral as they didn't know his family member well enough. I certainly didn't invite any of my friends and I would have thought it seriously weird if they'd turned up, especially if they'd travelled some distance to do so. Obviously they knew the funeral was going ahead as I'd talked about it, but you just don't go to the funerals of people you don't know unless there is a very good reason - it would be seen as very odd behaviour.
But yeah if your friend specifically wants you to be at the funeral of their partner's parent for some reason, I guess you treat this like any other slightly weird favour that's important to them? That's assuming the rest of the family are ok with it - my husband's family would certainly not have appreciated random friends of friends intruding on their grief. I do think you need to check that before you show up - funerals aren't spectator sports, and a crowd of strangers turning up could cause serious offence (it's not like you will be able to muster any show of grief, you didn't know this person existed before they died). There's a strong risk the family might think you've just turned up for the free food and drink, or that your friend is taking the piss inviting a gaggle of strangers.
posted by tinkletown at 5:13 PM on November 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
I suspect funeral attendance etiquette is different in the US and UK. I think US funerals are generally considered public unless they're specifically labeled otherwise (like "family only"), and most are announced in the obituary section of the local paper so that people who knew the deceased can show up if they want to. The wake is usually considered more private, as might be any gathering after the funeral.
posted by jaguar at 5:32 PM on November 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 5:32 PM on November 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Seems wildly presumptuous of your friend to invite all of their random friends from my UK perspective
Yeah, it is just differing social norms in different places/social groups. I know people in the UK where the funeral (and wake) was attended by people such as the friends of the in-laws, and North American funerals that were limited to immediate family (although I concur with jaguar that most North American funerals expect a pretty wide audience). In this specific case, other friends are going and the people grieving expect the OP to attend and will the OP thinks they will be unhappy if the OP does not. "Rules" from another country and another culture may not be applicable in this social situation.
posted by saucysault at 7:21 PM on November 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yeah, it is just differing social norms in different places/social groups. I know people in the UK where the funeral (and wake) was attended by people such as the friends of the in-laws, and North American funerals that were limited to immediate family (although I concur with jaguar that most North American funerals expect a pretty wide audience). In this specific case, other friends are going and the people grieving expect the OP to attend and will the OP thinks they will be unhappy if the OP does not. "Rules" from another country and another culture may not be applicable in this social situation.
posted by saucysault at 7:21 PM on November 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:28 PM on November 27, 2015 [15 favorites]