Burn, baby Burn.....
November 25, 2015 10:36 AM Subscribe
My husband closed up the flue to our wood burning fire this morning and then left for work.... the fire wasn't completely out and the whole house got engulfed in smoke.
Luckily, we have excellent neighbours and everything is absolutely fine... but I'm feeling frustrations and would like some help as to how to not lose my sh*t when I get home tonight!
I leave for work long before my husband; he got up, had breakfast, closed the flue to the chimney and then left for work. Obviously the fire wasn't completely out and since the smoke couldn't go up the chimney, it spread all into our house causing the smoke alarm to go off.
Luckily, our next door neighbor heard the alarm, went over to another neighbor who has a key to our place and a few of them went in, cleared the smoke, put water on the smoldering fire and all is, thankfully, well.
My husband called me and completely downplayed the event. I offered to go home even though I work an hour commute away but he told me there was no need for me to do that and HE wasn't going to do that either because "everything was fine".
I contacted my neighbor who went in and got a more fulsome explanation and she said that definitely, someone should come home.
I called my husband again and he was already on his way to the house. He called me when he arrived and again, downplayed the situation. I couldn't understand why or how this had happened... we were completely fine all night, and things were absolutely fine all morning before I left for work, so I KNEW he must have closed the flue - but he denied this. He went as far as to say the flue "was open" even though my neighbor had confirmed it was closed when they had gone in.
Anyway, after a few phone calls back and forth, he was acting all annoyed at me on the phone so I asked him why he was annoyed at me. He said "I'm not annoyed at you, I'm annoyed at myself because I closed the flue to the chimney and caused all of this to happen".
I explained it's fine, we learn from our mistakes, we won't do this again, thankfully no real harm was done, we'll smell like campfire for a while but that's all right. Thank goodness for wonderful neighbours and moving forward we need to be more careful.
But the truth is, I AM annoyed. Losing a house in a fire is literally my worst nightmare. We had an argument not more than a week ago about him closing the flue. I said it should be left open (carbon monoxide worries, fire and smoke worries) and he insisted that it is FINE to be closed once the fire is out (!) and that since it's very cold where we live right now, we should close it to keep as much heat in as we can. My husband is the most wonderful human being ever, but he's very forgetful too - we've had issues about him leaving the doors unlocked at night, leaving his key in the lock at night - stuff like that, and this just feels like another thing that he feels silly about, and I get annoyed about, but there's no guarantee that it won't happen again, because he really IS the type to make the same mistake more than once.
I am the "worrier" in the relationship and the person who is the "responsible" one, so I think this tends to add to the dynamic where he feels stupid for doing something silly, and tries to cover it up or deny any wrongdoing, and I get annoyed at him because I KNOW it was his fault and I just want him to take responsibility, own it and move on. I'm not perfect by any means, but I also don't make a lot of mistakes on this kind of scale.
Anyway, after this long ramble, I'm really asking for ways to calm down, de-stress, not fly off the handle when I see him later. I definitely have a tendency to have a knee-jerk reaction to these types of things, but in this case, I'm struggling with the notion that OUR FRIGGING HOUSE COULD HAVE BURNED DOWN! Even though it would probably have been fine.... sigh.
Help me not be a crazy banshee when I get home and how can I address this with him in a productive way to make sure the correct message gets across without belittling him and making him feel stupid? (which he has complained about before and I can totally see his point) Argh.
I leave for work long before my husband; he got up, had breakfast, closed the flue to the chimney and then left for work. Obviously the fire wasn't completely out and since the smoke couldn't go up the chimney, it spread all into our house causing the smoke alarm to go off.
Luckily, our next door neighbor heard the alarm, went over to another neighbor who has a key to our place and a few of them went in, cleared the smoke, put water on the smoldering fire and all is, thankfully, well.
My husband called me and completely downplayed the event. I offered to go home even though I work an hour commute away but he told me there was no need for me to do that and HE wasn't going to do that either because "everything was fine".
I contacted my neighbor who went in and got a more fulsome explanation and she said that definitely, someone should come home.
I called my husband again and he was already on his way to the house. He called me when he arrived and again, downplayed the situation. I couldn't understand why or how this had happened... we were completely fine all night, and things were absolutely fine all morning before I left for work, so I KNEW he must have closed the flue - but he denied this. He went as far as to say the flue "was open" even though my neighbor had confirmed it was closed when they had gone in.
Anyway, after a few phone calls back and forth, he was acting all annoyed at me on the phone so I asked him why he was annoyed at me. He said "I'm not annoyed at you, I'm annoyed at myself because I closed the flue to the chimney and caused all of this to happen".
I explained it's fine, we learn from our mistakes, we won't do this again, thankfully no real harm was done, we'll smell like campfire for a while but that's all right. Thank goodness for wonderful neighbours and moving forward we need to be more careful.
But the truth is, I AM annoyed. Losing a house in a fire is literally my worst nightmare. We had an argument not more than a week ago about him closing the flue. I said it should be left open (carbon monoxide worries, fire and smoke worries) and he insisted that it is FINE to be closed once the fire is out (!) and that since it's very cold where we live right now, we should close it to keep as much heat in as we can. My husband is the most wonderful human being ever, but he's very forgetful too - we've had issues about him leaving the doors unlocked at night, leaving his key in the lock at night - stuff like that, and this just feels like another thing that he feels silly about, and I get annoyed about, but there's no guarantee that it won't happen again, because he really IS the type to make the same mistake more than once.
I am the "worrier" in the relationship and the person who is the "responsible" one, so I think this tends to add to the dynamic where he feels stupid for doing something silly, and tries to cover it up or deny any wrongdoing, and I get annoyed at him because I KNOW it was his fault and I just want him to take responsibility, own it and move on. I'm not perfect by any means, but I also don't make a lot of mistakes on this kind of scale.
Anyway, after this long ramble, I'm really asking for ways to calm down, de-stress, not fly off the handle when I see him later. I definitely have a tendency to have a knee-jerk reaction to these types of things, but in this case, I'm struggling with the notion that OUR FRIGGING HOUSE COULD HAVE BURNED DOWN! Even though it would probably have been fine.... sigh.
Help me not be a crazy banshee when I get home and how can I address this with him in a productive way to make sure the correct message gets across without belittling him and making him feel stupid? (which he has complained about before and I can totally see his point) Argh.
Sounds like the man needs a safe automated heating system, not actual fire in his house that he needs to remember to control properly.
posted by zadcat at 10:42 AM on November 25, 2015 [24 favorites]
posted by zadcat at 10:42 AM on November 25, 2015 [24 favorites]
To be honest, it sounds like he's already kicking himself... so to my mind, driving his foot further into his ass won't help him or you. If I were you, I would let it go for a couple of days, and then hold a family meeting to talk about how to avoid something like this in the future. See it as a meeting of equals--how can we both work towards a common goal of safety?
posted by correcaminos at 10:42 AM on November 25, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by correcaminos at 10:42 AM on November 25, 2015 [9 favorites]
Losing a house in a fire is literally my worst nightmare.
Maybe that fear is leading you to misinterpret what actually happened here? Smoke and CO are legitimate concerns, but closing the flue when there are smouldering coals isn't going to make fire leap out of the fireplace and ignite the sofa.
If you (or he) likes to have a fire regularly, plan on getting a woodburning stove. A stove will transfer a lot more heat into the house, the fire is safely behind glass when you leave home, and it's typically impossible to shut the flue and cause this sort of problem.
posted by jon1270 at 10:57 AM on November 25, 2015 [33 favorites]
Maybe that fear is leading you to misinterpret what actually happened here? Smoke and CO are legitimate concerns, but closing the flue when there are smouldering coals isn't going to make fire leap out of the fireplace and ignite the sofa.
If you (or he) likes to have a fire regularly, plan on getting a woodburning stove. A stove will transfer a lot more heat into the house, the fire is safely behind glass when you leave home, and it's typically impossible to shut the flue and cause this sort of problem.
posted by jon1270 at 10:57 AM on November 25, 2015 [33 favorites]
OUR FRIGGING HOUSE COULD HAVE BURNED DOWN!
I don't see how his closing the flue could have caused your house to burn down. This honestly sounds like your anxiety rather than a rational fear. That's not to dismiss your feelings—which are valid and important to talk with him about—just to provide an outside perspective on the actual risk involved in your husband's error.
posted by ottereroticist at 10:58 AM on November 25, 2015 [15 favorites]
I don't see how his closing the flue could have caused your house to burn down. This honestly sounds like your anxiety rather than a rational fear. That's not to dismiss your feelings—which are valid and important to talk with him about—just to provide an outside perspective on the actual risk involved in your husband's error.
posted by ottereroticist at 10:58 AM on November 25, 2015 [15 favorites]
I do dumb stuff like this all the time (pregnancy and then sleep deprivation from two kids) and I often will not realize what a big deal it is immediately but once I do I feel terrible. We had an incident awhile ago with candles while I took a bath where the fire alarm went off. A bit of the wall had burned and I didn't notice. My partner was terrified when he heard the fire alarm and raced to my son's room to check on him. My initial response was "oh I didn't notice the smoke, whoops". But then I thought about it and how dangerous that was and now I don't use candles in the house at all (except on birthday cake!).
Take some time for each of you to think about it. Communicate how scared you were to him. And then see if you can work together to find some alternatives so that it doesn't happen again.
posted by betsybetsy at 10:58 AM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
Take some time for each of you to think about it. Communicate how scared you were to him. And then see if you can work together to find some alternatives so that it doesn't happen again.
posted by betsybetsy at 10:58 AM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
You are done. Stay away, let him come home to it, go to the library, do some shopping. Bring home treats. Imagine your life without him before you go looking for vindication. He made a mistake, or makes mistakes. If it is a symptom of substance abuse or dementia, or a brain tumor, or attention deficit disorder, humiliating him is not the answer. It is officially the holidays.
But, get a carbon monoxide detector if you don't have one already. Make sure his forgetfulness isn't about that.
You can rationalize this is a serious event but having an overwrought episode over it will not secure your home or relationship. If you are sick of him, through with him, take care of it in the dead of January, after the holidays. It hurts too many ancillary people to end this time of year. Take the responsibility for your emotional state, if you think flying off the handle is justified or necessary, you are wrong in this. This is a major humiliation for him. Remember the for better or worse part of the typical vows.
You will both be busy mitigating smoke damage. Buy gifts for your thoughtful neighbors. Put on a unified front, be good to him in front of them. They will not be sympathetic if you don't. Be happy together while.you clean up. Huge victories, being right, always entails even greater losses.
posted by Oyéah at 10:58 AM on November 25, 2015 [16 favorites]
But, get a carbon monoxide detector if you don't have one already. Make sure his forgetfulness isn't about that.
You can rationalize this is a serious event but having an overwrought episode over it will not secure your home or relationship. If you are sick of him, through with him, take care of it in the dead of January, after the holidays. It hurts too many ancillary people to end this time of year. Take the responsibility for your emotional state, if you think flying off the handle is justified or necessary, you are wrong in this. This is a major humiliation for him. Remember the for better or worse part of the typical vows.
You will both be busy mitigating smoke damage. Buy gifts for your thoughtful neighbors. Put on a unified front, be good to him in front of them. They will not be sympathetic if you don't. Be happy together while.you clean up. Huge victories, being right, always entails even greater losses.
posted by Oyéah at 10:58 AM on November 25, 2015 [16 favorites]
Best answer: he insisted that it is FINE to be closed once the fire is out
It is, but "out" means cold ashes. In my family that means the flue stays open (even if it's freezing out) after we go to bed if there are warm ashes in the fire place.
You might want to point him to this article:
When a fire is put out, leave the embers in the fireplace with the damper open until the embers can be touched by hand, he said.
“Never presume embers are cold until you move the embers around with a shovel and you can put your hand on it and it’s cool,” he said. “If you burn a fire Christmas morning and burn it all day through Christmas night, two days later you can still have hot embers.”
Even if there is no fire burning, the damper needs to stay open. If the damper is closed, there is a good chance of carbon monoxide staying in the house, he said.
When embers are cool enough to handle, put embers in a metal bucket, not plastic or cardboard. Then take the bucket and put it outside, away from the house, at least overnight on a cool night, said Mr. Bernstein. After a day or so, dump the embers on gravel or even in the garden. If any embers are still warm and are dumped on leaves, they can be dried out and cause a brush fire.
I wouldn't belabor the point further with him, although I would forward him the article. And the next time there is a fire, you need to put your foot down that the flue stays open until the ashes are cold. You have a hug from me though - my brother nearly burned our house down by accident when I was a teen and I will never forget how terrifying it was. The only way the house was saved is because my parents had purchased a fire extinguisher and everyone knew where it was and how to use it. We were so very lucky.
posted by longdaysjourney at 11:00 AM on November 25, 2015 [14 favorites]
It is, but "out" means cold ashes. In my family that means the flue stays open (even if it's freezing out) after we go to bed if there are warm ashes in the fire place.
You might want to point him to this article:
When a fire is put out, leave the embers in the fireplace with the damper open until the embers can be touched by hand, he said.
“Never presume embers are cold until you move the embers around with a shovel and you can put your hand on it and it’s cool,” he said. “If you burn a fire Christmas morning and burn it all day through Christmas night, two days later you can still have hot embers.”
Even if there is no fire burning, the damper needs to stay open. If the damper is closed, there is a good chance of carbon monoxide staying in the house, he said.
When embers are cool enough to handle, put embers in a metal bucket, not plastic or cardboard. Then take the bucket and put it outside, away from the house, at least overnight on a cool night, said Mr. Bernstein. After a day or so, dump the embers on gravel or even in the garden. If any embers are still warm and are dumped on leaves, they can be dried out and cause a brush fire.
I wouldn't belabor the point further with him, although I would forward him the article. And the next time there is a fire, you need to put your foot down that the flue stays open until the ashes are cold. You have a hug from me though - my brother nearly burned our house down by accident when I was a teen and I will never forget how terrifying it was. The only way the house was saved is because my parents had purchased a fire extinguisher and everyone knew where it was and how to use it. We were so very lucky.
posted by longdaysjourney at 11:00 AM on November 25, 2015 [14 favorites]
Help me not be a crazy banshee when I get home and how can I address this with him in a productive way to make sure the correct message gets across without belittling him and making him feel stupid?
I think forgiveness and "let's not do that again" are all that's needed here.
posted by zippy at 11:01 AM on November 25, 2015 [4 favorites]
I think forgiveness and "let's not do that again" are all that's needed here.
posted by zippy at 11:01 AM on November 25, 2015 [4 favorites]
I would come home and pretty much say something like, "You know I'm annoyed, and I have a right to be upset, but I'm not going to dump on you, I think you understand how serious this all is. In the future, you don't touch the fireplace, okay?"
That's that.
You can't shriek at him about it, he's a grown man and he fucked up. Thank goodness nothing terrible happened, and you for sure need to do something nice for your neighbors.
This is the sacrifice that we make in a relationship, as much as we want to read our SO the riot act, we love them too much to do it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:05 AM on November 25, 2015 [11 favorites]
That's that.
You can't shriek at him about it, he's a grown man and he fucked up. Thank goodness nothing terrible happened, and you for sure need to do something nice for your neighbors.
This is the sacrifice that we make in a relationship, as much as we want to read our SO the riot act, we love them too much to do it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:05 AM on November 25, 2015 [11 favorites]
I have a slightly different take, though it's less about your emotional response and more about managing risk going forward. I have loved ones who have issues with executive function (memory, ADHD, etc), and I have come to the point where I realize (intellectually, at least) that getting angry is kind of beside the point. Clearly, nobody would purposely leave the house in a risky state. But if I am concerned about whether the door will be left open, the key will be left in the lock, the flu will be closed-- then I make a point of checking the door, the key, the flu. I'm not saying this is your fault, at all. But it might be easier to manage the risk according to your own comfort level than to get angry when this kind of thing happens.
posted by instamatic at 11:10 AM on November 25, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by instamatic at 11:10 AM on November 25, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I think you should go home with an article on how to safely judge a fire "out", briefly make clear your non-negotiable desire for high-quality fire safety, and then do not say another word about the matter. If you feel capable, bring home a special treat and enjoy it with your husband after your discussion. I completely understand why you feel afraid and angry - it's exhausting enough to feel like you're the responsible one, and it's very stressful to think that you can't even trust him to not BURN THE HOUSE DOWN. I get it. However, in reality, he's not at all likely to burn the house down - even forgetful people remember things better after a near-miss like this. And it sounds like he's the kind of person who beats himself up on the inside, but acts defensive on the outside. This doesn't BEGIN to give you the kind of validation you want for your feelings, but in my (rather extensive similar experience), there isn't much you can do to change how he deals with failure. It's annoying, but at least he's conscientious and he cares.
So, summary: If you can give a super clear "I insist that we put out fires this way from now on" and then bust out chocolate bars and drop it, I think you'll both be happier in the end. And if you can't quite do the chocolate bars thing (there have been plenty of times when I just wasn't ready), you can say "I'm feeling pretty stressed about this and you should understand why. I'm taking some time for myself for a little bit" and go for a walk.
posted by Cygnet at 11:20 AM on November 25, 2015 [10 favorites]
So, summary: If you can give a super clear "I insist that we put out fires this way from now on" and then bust out chocolate bars and drop it, I think you'll both be happier in the end. And if you can't quite do the chocolate bars thing (there have been plenty of times when I just wasn't ready), you can say "I'm feeling pretty stressed about this and you should understand why. I'm taking some time for myself for a little bit" and go for a walk.
posted by Cygnet at 11:20 AM on November 25, 2015 [10 favorites]
Best answer: He made a mistake. It happens. You'll have to come to an agreement about how to keep it from happening again.
He lied to you repeatedly about it and that's an issue. And while I, too, would want to lose my shit (and also am married to an obfuscater who is afraid of "getting in trouble" and will hide stuff from me or automatically defensively lie when confronted) it's probably to everyone's advantage to take a breath and a step back so you can separate the scary mistake you can't do anything about now from the other issue, which is acting like a grown-up when mistakes happen.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:22 AM on November 25, 2015 [9 favorites]
He lied to you repeatedly about it and that's an issue. And while I, too, would want to lose my shit (and also am married to an obfuscater who is afraid of "getting in trouble" and will hide stuff from me or automatically defensively lie when confronted) it's probably to everyone's advantage to take a breath and a step back so you can separate the scary mistake you can't do anything about now from the other issue, which is acting like a grown-up when mistakes happen.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:22 AM on November 25, 2015 [9 favorites]
Best answer: JenThePro: "Help me not be a crazy banshee when I get home and how can I address this with him in a productive way to make sure the correct message gets across without belittling him and making him feel stupid? "
"I am super freaking pissed off right now and feeling very irrational, so we need to just Netflix and chill and not talk about it for a couple days until I've calmed down and can have a rational conversation about it with you."
(Frequently when I say this to my husband, I also mean "until you're feeling less defensive and YOU can have a rational conversation with ME.")
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:46 AM on November 25, 2015 [24 favorites]
"I am super freaking pissed off right now and feeling very irrational, so we need to just Netflix and chill and not talk about it for a couple days until I've calmed down and can have a rational conversation about it with you."
(Frequently when I say this to my husband, I also mean "until you're feeling less defensive and YOU can have a rational conversation with ME.")
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:46 AM on November 25, 2015 [24 favorites]
Rent an ozone generator to help with the smoke smell if it's bad. Make sure you have two smoke /co2 detectors (I like redundancy for such things). Maybe the second one should be a smart one that can send alerts to your phones.
I'm not sure why a closed flu would lead to a fire, it just reduces the good flow of oxygen and exit of smoke, leading to smoke. It's a fuckup and one he's likely kicking himself for but not house threatening.
posted by Candleman at 12:07 PM on November 25, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'm not sure why a closed flu would lead to a fire, it just reduces the good flow of oxygen and exit of smoke, leading to smoke. It's a fuckup and one he's likely kicking himself for but not house threatening.
posted by Candleman at 12:07 PM on November 25, 2015 [4 favorites]
I am the "worrier" in the relationship and the person who is the "responsible" one, so I think this tends to add to the dynamic where he feels stupid for doing something silly, and tries to cover it up or deny any wrongdoing, and I get annoyed at him because I KNOW it was his fault and I just want him to take responsibility, own it and move on.
Going into banshee mode is going to reinforce that dynamic. I sympathize with you because I have been you in that dynamic before and it's awful, there's no winning.
So set all that big-picture stuff aside. I suggest not talking about the recurring relationship/communication problem at all and instead, just decree that you are now the queen of the flue. If at any time he disagrees with your flue management practices, he can discuss them with you, but he has forfeited his flue-fiddling rights and has to defer to the flue queen. And then, as suggested above, Netflix and chill.
posted by headnsouth at 12:16 PM on November 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
Going into banshee mode is going to reinforce that dynamic. I sympathize with you because I have been you in that dynamic before and it's awful, there's no winning.
So set all that big-picture stuff aside. I suggest not talking about the recurring relationship/communication problem at all and instead, just decree that you are now the queen of the flue. If at any time he disagrees with your flue management practices, he can discuss them with you, but he has forfeited his flue-fiddling rights and has to defer to the flue queen. And then, as suggested above, Netflix and chill.
posted by headnsouth at 12:16 PM on November 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
I agree that maybe not having fires would be a good way to deal with this.
At home, my boyfriend and I deal with this kind of thing by putting signs on appliances. For example, on the front of the microwave we used to have a sticker saying "DO NOT USE IF BOTH A/C UNITS ARE ON" (it would cause the fuse to blow) and the washing machine had a paper sign taped to it saying "Do you know where your Fitbit is?" (after one too many Fitbit-through-the-wash incidents). A sign about the flue above the fireplace might not be the most beautiful thing for your home decor, but it would probably work.
posted by phoenixy at 12:19 PM on November 25, 2015 [11 favorites]
At home, my boyfriend and I deal with this kind of thing by putting signs on appliances. For example, on the front of the microwave we used to have a sticker saying "DO NOT USE IF BOTH A/C UNITS ARE ON" (it would cause the fuse to blow) and the washing machine had a paper sign taped to it saying "Do you know where your Fitbit is?" (after one too many Fitbit-through-the-wash incidents). A sign about the flue above the fireplace might not be the most beautiful thing for your home decor, but it would probably work.
posted by phoenixy at 12:19 PM on November 25, 2015 [11 favorites]
Your insurance may cover smoke removal, if you need to go that way. Be sure that they have heard it all, and are almost as glad as you are that your house did not burn down.
Your husband screwed up. He deserves a spanking. Tell him so, and then the two of you should work to get past this mistake.
As a data point, some years ago I cleaned out the ash pit under our fireplace. It was spring, and we had not had a fire for a month at that point. I found glowing embers among the ashes.
posted by Midnight Skulker at 12:20 PM on November 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
Your husband screwed up. He deserves a spanking. Tell him so, and then the two of you should work to get past this mistake.
As a data point, some years ago I cleaned out the ash pit under our fireplace. It was spring, and we had not had a fire for a month at that point. I found glowing embers among the ashes.
posted by Midnight Skulker at 12:20 PM on November 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
'Honey, I am super angry at what happened and I'm extra pissed that you hid it from me. But right now we have to (x, y, z) to take care of the house. So let's just get that done and we'll talk about how it happened tomorrow after work. Ok?'
Because you need to acknowledge what you're feeling (rightfully so) and that he made it worse by lying. And that right now isn't the time to hash it all out.
Then look into other heating options ...
posted by Dashy at 12:21 PM on November 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
Because you need to acknowledge what you're feeling (rightfully so) and that he made it worse by lying. And that right now isn't the time to hash it all out.
Then look into other heating options ...
posted by Dashy at 12:21 PM on November 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
I said this in another thread, and I think it bears repeating here.
There's a difference between:
* I want him to do X.
* I want him to want to do X.
The first is common and reasonable. Hey, let's be careful to not burn the house down, 'kay? What can we do to be more safe?
The second, though, is a desire for control in a relationship. Not just controlling the actions of another person, but controlling what's happening between the other person's ears, too. And that's impossible, something over which you should not feel responsible.
So, take a moment to reflect on exactly what you're asking from him and from yourself.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:24 PM on November 25, 2015 [5 favorites]
There's a difference between:
* I want him to do X.
* I want him to want to do X.
The first is common and reasonable. Hey, let's be careful to not burn the house down, 'kay? What can we do to be more safe?
The second, though, is a desire for control in a relationship. Not just controlling the actions of another person, but controlling what's happening between the other person's ears, too. And that's impossible, something over which you should not feel responsible.
So, take a moment to reflect on exactly what you're asking from him and from yourself.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:24 PM on November 25, 2015 [5 favorites]
I am your husband.
We don't have a fireplace, and I'm not minimizing the real danger of carbon monoxide, but my husband is constantly following me around re-doing things that I am absent-minded about or just don't pay great attention to. We finally both made peace with it -- me getting pissed that he was treating me like a child and he getting pissed that I am absent minded and forgetful. We found the happy balance. Once we both stopped being angry at the other for just being ourselves, we were able to work toward me being better at details and him being better at not freaking out about tiny things that are not worth freaking out over.
We have a happy groove now and can make jokes about it. I'll see him unplug the percolator before we go out for the day, but once we have driven three miles away I'll scream OMG I forgot to unplug the percolator -- and we both laugh because we both know he did.
posted by archimago at 12:41 PM on November 25, 2015 [5 favorites]
We don't have a fireplace, and I'm not minimizing the real danger of carbon monoxide, but my husband is constantly following me around re-doing things that I am absent-minded about or just don't pay great attention to. We finally both made peace with it -- me getting pissed that he was treating me like a child and he getting pissed that I am absent minded and forgetful. We found the happy balance. Once we both stopped being angry at the other for just being ourselves, we were able to work toward me being better at details and him being better at not freaking out about tiny things that are not worth freaking out over.
We have a happy groove now and can make jokes about it. I'll see him unplug the percolator before we go out for the day, but once we have driven three miles away I'll scream OMG I forgot to unplug the percolator -- and we both laugh because we both know he did.
posted by archimago at 12:41 PM on November 25, 2015 [5 favorites]
Is this fireplace located on an outside wall? If so, and your family is worried about heating costs for keeping the house warm, then you possibly should stop using the fireplace except on special occasions. With a fireplace located on an external wall, much of the heat generated by the fire is lost through the back of the fireplace and to the outside. There are ways to ameliorate the situation, but fireplaces located on outside walls are mainly decorative and heat only the nearby area, and can make the rest of the house cold by drawing the air into the fireplace and out the chimney.
posted by GregorWill at 1:05 PM on November 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by GregorWill at 1:05 PM on November 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
Are you more pissed off by all the obfuscating than the thing itself? Have you always had this dynamic? I think the fact that you had to talk to your neighbor several times to find out what was really going on sounds really frustrating.
How to not freak out when you get home? Lots of deep breathing and asking him for space are all I can think of.
Also listen to GregorWill's advice above--if it's an exterior wall fireplace you're probably losing more heat when using it than you're generating. For real.
posted by purple_bird at 2:26 PM on November 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
How to not freak out when you get home? Lots of deep breathing and asking him for space are all I can think of.
Also listen to GregorWill's advice above--if it's an exterior wall fireplace you're probably losing more heat when using it than you're generating. For real.
posted by purple_bird at 2:26 PM on November 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
My thoughts are around embracing the crazy banshee behaviour in a way that doesn't hard your relationship.
The points the others have made are good but I know myself that when I am feeling the need to shriek and throw things taking deep breathes just makes the struggle take longer to get over.
If I were you I'd go someplace I couldn't be heard and take a pillow and just yell AGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! into it. So.satisfying. Throwing unbreakable bouncy things at the walls is good too. You are perfectly entitled to feel all the things you are feeling right now.
The stress, shock, anger will have raised something or other in you (I'm no human biologist) and screeching all the frustrations out again will help you calm again. The pillow won't take it personally and won't be hurt.
posted by kitten magic at 2:54 PM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
The points the others have made are good but I know myself that when I am feeling the need to shriek and throw things taking deep breathes just makes the struggle take longer to get over.
If I were you I'd go someplace I couldn't be heard and take a pillow and just yell AGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! into it. So.satisfying. Throwing unbreakable bouncy things at the walls is good too. You are perfectly entitled to feel all the things you are feeling right now.
The stress, shock, anger will have raised something or other in you (I'm no human biologist) and screeching all the frustrations out again will help you calm again. The pillow won't take it personally and won't be hurt.
posted by kitten magic at 2:54 PM on November 25, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: This reminds me of when my husband was responsible for paying the electric bill. I paid most of the other bills but that was one I had left to him. Mostly because it meant not needed to transfer as much money into my account. Yada, yada.
Anyway, on multiple occasions I would get the NEXT bill and it would say that the LAST bill was unpaid. This was even after he would swear that he paid the bill. This happened more than once. I would say, "Did you pay the electric bill?" He would say, "Yes" I would ask, "Did you write down the confirmation number?" And he would say, "No." I would ask, "Well how can I trust that you paid it then?" Which would then piss him off.
I have a general worry about paying bills on time. I especially don't want my electricity shut off. So, the solution: I pay all the bills. He does not touch the electric bill because I can't trust him to do it.
I think your husband cannot be trusted to handle the fireplace. You are the only one who can trust and manage the fire place. If you cannot manage the fireplace, then you don't light a fire.
I think it's fine to tell him you're annoyed. It freaked you out. From now on he will not manage the fireplace. I agree to get a good understand of the workings of the fireplace and have safety things in place (CO detector, extinguisher nearby) and the likelihood of something happening. I agree that it seems highly unlikely that a smouldering fire in a working fireplace would burn down your house. But for the future you need peace of mind that it will be handled properly. That comes best when you do it yourself.
posted by Crystalinne at 2:55 PM on November 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
Anyway, on multiple occasions I would get the NEXT bill and it would say that the LAST bill was unpaid. This was even after he would swear that he paid the bill. This happened more than once. I would say, "Did you pay the electric bill?" He would say, "Yes" I would ask, "Did you write down the confirmation number?" And he would say, "No." I would ask, "Well how can I trust that you paid it then?" Which would then piss him off.
I have a general worry about paying bills on time. I especially don't want my electricity shut off. So, the solution: I pay all the bills. He does not touch the electric bill because I can't trust him to do it.
I think your husband cannot be trusted to handle the fireplace. You are the only one who can trust and manage the fire place. If you cannot manage the fireplace, then you don't light a fire.
I think it's fine to tell him you're annoyed. It freaked you out. From now on he will not manage the fireplace. I agree to get a good understand of the workings of the fireplace and have safety things in place (CO detector, extinguisher nearby) and the likelihood of something happening. I agree that it seems highly unlikely that a smouldering fire in a working fireplace would burn down your house. But for the future you need peace of mind that it will be handled properly. That comes best when you do it yourself.
posted by Crystalinne at 2:55 PM on November 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: He lied and he minimized the damage. That's why you are so freakin' white hot angry.
We've been through this in our marriage. Try not to take the bait. When you are calm, use your words and talk to your husband about his absentminded habits AND the way he handles the resulting mistakes.
You'll stop being mad when he stops lying and minimizing bad results. Ask me how I know!!
posted by jbenben at 3:36 PM on November 25, 2015 [7 favorites]
We've been through this in our marriage. Try not to take the bait. When you are calm, use your words and talk to your husband about his absentminded habits AND the way he handles the resulting mistakes.
You'll stop being mad when he stops lying and minimizing bad results. Ask me how I know!!
posted by jbenben at 3:36 PM on November 25, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Just want to repeat, for whatever it may be worth in terms of calming your anxiety and therefore your emotional state in general, that what your husband did did not actually put your house in danger. Closing the flue with hot coals (or even an actual fire) in the fireplace will not cause the fire to escape into the house. It will definitely fill the house with smoke, which is annoying, but that's it.
I grew up with a fireplace, and still have one. Over the years there have been several flue-related accidents (I can remember two: once when as a teenager I closed the flue before going to bed around 3AM, and another time when my brother-in-law started a fire without knowing about flues and how you have to open them.) In both cases there was some smoke which took a few days to clear out, but that's it.
In my family, flue accidents are to be avoided but are more of an embarrassment than anything else. A party foul, but nothing to be angry over and not dangerous.
The job of the chimney and flue is not to help contain the fire, but simply to guide the smoke of the fire up out of the house. Fire containment is the job of the hearth and the screen. A few smoldering embers are no more likely to escape the fireplace with the flue closed than with it open. I promise. They will smoke, but they will not burn your house down. In terms of fire risk it is as if he left a candle burning, inside a cage and surrounded by several feet of firebrick in every direction.
What happened was annoying and embarrassing, but not dangerous. Try to remember that (I realize that anxieties and phobias are at best only partially responsive to reason) and recontextualize the situation for yourself. Your husband did not nearly burn down your house. He definitely made a mistake, but not a dangerous one. In my family, this would be a "Well now, I bet you won't do that again!" type situation. The punishment would be personal embarrassment and some good-natured ribbing. Anger would be considered unjustified, and shouting would be way out of line. My family is not your family, but perhaps it would help you to consider that there are people for whom this would be a subject for mirth rather than anger. Some gentle teasing goes a long way toward making sure that it doesn't happen again, too. I know plenty of people who have had an accident with a flue once but none who have done it twice.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 3:55 PM on November 25, 2015 [10 favorites]
I grew up with a fireplace, and still have one. Over the years there have been several flue-related accidents (I can remember two: once when as a teenager I closed the flue before going to bed around 3AM, and another time when my brother-in-law started a fire without knowing about flues and how you have to open them.) In both cases there was some smoke which took a few days to clear out, but that's it.
In my family, flue accidents are to be avoided but are more of an embarrassment than anything else. A party foul, but nothing to be angry over and not dangerous.
The job of the chimney and flue is not to help contain the fire, but simply to guide the smoke of the fire up out of the house. Fire containment is the job of the hearth and the screen. A few smoldering embers are no more likely to escape the fireplace with the flue closed than with it open. I promise. They will smoke, but they will not burn your house down. In terms of fire risk it is as if he left a candle burning, inside a cage and surrounded by several feet of firebrick in every direction.
What happened was annoying and embarrassing, but not dangerous. Try to remember that (I realize that anxieties and phobias are at best only partially responsive to reason) and recontextualize the situation for yourself. Your husband did not nearly burn down your house. He definitely made a mistake, but not a dangerous one. In my family, this would be a "Well now, I bet you won't do that again!" type situation. The punishment would be personal embarrassment and some good-natured ribbing. Anger would be considered unjustified, and shouting would be way out of line. My family is not your family, but perhaps it would help you to consider that there are people for whom this would be a subject for mirth rather than anger. Some gentle teasing goes a long way toward making sure that it doesn't happen again, too. I know plenty of people who have had an accident with a flue once but none who have done it twice.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 3:55 PM on November 25, 2015 [10 favorites]
Best answer: I am just like you. My husband is just like yours. I completely understand your desire to vent/get angry, heck, even chastise your husband for this error. The problem is that it accomplishes nothing. He knows he screwed up and your venting will only serve to shame him, not change him. And you might feel better temporarily but you will ultimately feel worse for treating the person you love with such disdain over an accident.
Look, I get the frustration. It was not just this one time that he was forgetful. But that is him. It is a feature, not a bug that can be squashed under the weight of your shame. I usually say "I am really annoyed right now over X but there is nothing I can say that can change what happened. I know I will get over it but I need a little space (or whatever it is I am needing) and I love you."
And despite our natures, it is sometimes me (SHOCKING!) who forgets something and screws up. Just last month I left the gas stove burner on all night under a cast iron pan. High danger, but thankfully, no harm. I so appreciated the grace he afforded to me that morning.
posted by murrey at 3:58 PM on November 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
Look, I get the frustration. It was not just this one time that he was forgetful. But that is him. It is a feature, not a bug that can be squashed under the weight of your shame. I usually say "I am really annoyed right now over X but there is nothing I can say that can change what happened. I know I will get over it but I need a little space (or whatever it is I am needing) and I love you."
And despite our natures, it is sometimes me (SHOCKING!) who forgets something and screws up. Just last month I left the gas stove burner on all night under a cast iron pan. High danger, but thankfully, no harm. I so appreciated the grace he afforded to me that morning.
posted by murrey at 3:58 PM on November 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'd wait for him to bring it up. With any luck, the first thing out of his mouth will be something along the lines of "sorry I screwed that pooch, honey." Then you say "thanks for saying that, let's just make it so from now on I'm in charge of the fireplace. I'm good at that." And going forward, you manage the fireplace.
If he doesn't bring it up, then you'll have to, but whatever. You don't need to berate him. Just from now on you're in charge of the fireplace.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:03 PM on November 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
If he doesn't bring it up, then you'll have to, but whatever. You don't need to berate him. Just from now on you're in charge of the fireplace.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:03 PM on November 25, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Hey, I'm your husband. I have terrible short term memory and I left my car's lights on, draining the battery. I leave the door open too. This is not pleasing for my partner. I felt terrible and downplayed the situation.
It was because I was stressed and I didn't want to be yelled at.
Honestly, he won't change. It's the way his brain is wired. It's the way my brain is wired.
I think the best solution is to A. invest in strategies that requires less forgetfulness (only for critical stuff, like keys, etc.) and B. Come up with backup plans. Get spare sets of keys. Invest in a Dropcam to monitor smoke levels. Get a woodburning stove, etc.
posted by pando11 at 8:26 PM on November 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
It was because I was stressed and I didn't want to be yelled at.
Honestly, he won't change. It's the way his brain is wired. It's the way my brain is wired.
I think the best solution is to A. invest in strategies that requires less forgetfulness (only for critical stuff, like keys, etc.) and B. Come up with backup plans. Get spare sets of keys. Invest in a Dropcam to monitor smoke levels. Get a woodburning stove, etc.
posted by pando11 at 8:26 PM on November 25, 2015 [2 favorites]
Fire is no joke.
Tell your husband that it's not okay what he did. If he closes the flue and starts a fire again, no more fires. And mean it.
Or convert it to a gas fireplace.
My great grandparent's house burned to the ground because my great-grandfather used to light his pipe and throw the spent matches in the woodpile. You think he wasn't warned a billion times about that by my great grandmother?
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 4:37 AM on November 26, 2015
Tell your husband that it's not okay what he did. If he closes the flue and starts a fire again, no more fires. And mean it.
Or convert it to a gas fireplace.
My great grandparent's house burned to the ground because my great-grandfather used to light his pipe and throw the spent matches in the woodpile. You think he wasn't warned a billion times about that by my great grandmother?
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 4:37 AM on November 26, 2015
Response by poster: thanks so much everyone! Some SUPER useful answers here and so many responses helped calm me down and make me realize it wasn't THAT big of a deal.
(it was just a bit of a shock on a Wednesday morning, plus I was worrying about our cats etc)
Anyway, I get home before him and I surveyed the scene.... house is pretty stinky, but nothing that can't be addressed.
My hubby came home and was very sheepish. He just said "What do you think??" and I just shrugged and said "Oh - it's no big deal. The smell will come out and no harm was done"
Later on in the evening he started telling me how stupid he feels and all the neighbours will be talking about us, he feels like a real idiot. There was no need for me to say anything other than encouraging words and no doubt, it won't happen again.
Got to say, I find it somewhat encouraging to know that the likelihood of an actual fire happening from this is pretty minimal. So - no harm done, JenthePro is calm and all is well. Thanks so much for the anedotes and stories which helped me put things into perspective!
posted by JenThePro at 9:09 AM on November 26, 2015 [12 favorites]
(it was just a bit of a shock on a Wednesday morning, plus I was worrying about our cats etc)
Anyway, I get home before him and I surveyed the scene.... house is pretty stinky, but nothing that can't be addressed.
My hubby came home and was very sheepish. He just said "What do you think??" and I just shrugged and said "Oh - it's no big deal. The smell will come out and no harm was done"
Later on in the evening he started telling me how stupid he feels and all the neighbours will be talking about us, he feels like a real idiot. There was no need for me to say anything other than encouraging words and no doubt, it won't happen again.
Got to say, I find it somewhat encouraging to know that the likelihood of an actual fire happening from this is pretty minimal. So - no harm done, JenthePro is calm and all is well. Thanks so much for the anedotes and stories which helped me put things into perspective!
posted by JenThePro at 9:09 AM on November 26, 2015 [12 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I know it's hard to trust a partner you perceive as forgetful and impractical. I too saw myself as the "responsible" one for the first few years of my marriage, and took on more than I should have or needed to as a result. I worked really hard to change that dynamic, to let my husband be the equal human adult that he is and trust him to take care of his own stuff. It sounds like your relationship could benefit from the same sort of shift in dynamic.
posted by something something at 10:41 AM on November 25, 2015 [7 favorites]