New to one sided polygamy
November 22, 2015 11:21 AM Subscribe
I'm dating this guy (20 yrs old) who is wonderful in every aspect except for being inexperienced with women. He's had a few relationships but I was the first person he ever slept with. We want to do a one sided polygamous relationship. Help us maneuver through this as smooth as possible!
This will be one sided because I already sowed my wild oats and I have zero desire to be with anybody else (think wild orgies, random tinder hook-ups, lesbian sex, old man sex because hey why not, etc...) And plus, I find sex with someone I love much better because the emotions I feel for them enhance sensations and orgasms. They also know what I like.
He missed out on a lot growing up. It's important for him to have certain experiences because he will never experience them again at this particular age. Sleeping with more than one person is one of them. I understand that -- I broke up with my first love for that very reason. Since we are very similar (introverts, tendency to nest) I have a feeling he's going to come to the same conclusion as me but the whole point is not to miss out.
How do we go about making this one sided polygamy as smooth as possible? What if jealousy comes up? What about the fear that he will find someone more compatible?* Is it okay if I don't want to know? What rules should we lay down, if any?
*To be fair, he's done a really good job reassuring me that I'm as close to perfect a partner he could ever wish for.
Thank you so much for your inputs!
This will be one sided because I already sowed my wild oats and I have zero desire to be with anybody else (think wild orgies, random tinder hook-ups, lesbian sex, old man sex because hey why not, etc...) And plus, I find sex with someone I love much better because the emotions I feel for them enhance sensations and orgasms. They also know what I like.
He missed out on a lot growing up. It's important for him to have certain experiences because he will never experience them again at this particular age. Sleeping with more than one person is one of them. I understand that -- I broke up with my first love for that very reason. Since we are very similar (introverts, tendency to nest) I have a feeling he's going to come to the same conclusion as me but the whole point is not to miss out.
How do we go about making this one sided polygamy as smooth as possible? What if jealousy comes up? What about the fear that he will find someone more compatible?* Is it okay if I don't want to know? What rules should we lay down, if any?
*To be fair, he's done a really good job reassuring me that I'm as close to perfect a partner he could ever wish for.
Thank you so much for your inputs!
Response by poster: I think (maybe wrongly, someone chime in?) it will work out because he isn't a polygamous person. He wants to be monogamous after he has these experiences, so this is just a temporary solution to meeting each other at the wrong time.
Edit: Also, I want to mention that he's opened to me seeing other people as well.
posted by squirtle at 12:00 PM on November 22, 2015
Edit: Also, I want to mention that he's opened to me seeing other people as well.
posted by squirtle at 12:00 PM on November 22, 2015
Best answer: The Pervocracy blog writes specifically about mono/poly relationships, and you might enjoy reading some back entries about communication and negotiation in non-monogamous relationships. The answer to most of your questions will depend on what the two of you figure out together. Polyamory is about building your own model for a relationship. You make the rules! Do what feels right for you.
posted by rabbitbookworm at 12:21 PM on November 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by rabbitbookworm at 12:21 PM on November 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Since we are very similar (introverts, tendency to nest) I have a feeling he's going to come to the same conclusion as me but the whole point is not to miss out.
Danger danger! You have no idea what sort of conclusion he is going to come to, and if you are counting on this being his eventual take away from this experience, then there is a high chance you will be sorely disappointed. Never bet on anything involving humans to turn out the way you feel like it might.
My advice is to go into this with as few expectations as possible. Polyamory can be done, and happily, but if you expect someone else to behave a certain way, you're in trouble. Know your own boundaries and dealbreakers and then see what happens as it happens.
posted by chainsofreedom at 12:41 PM on November 22, 2015 [12 favorites]
Danger danger! You have no idea what sort of conclusion he is going to come to, and if you are counting on this being his eventual take away from this experience, then there is a high chance you will be sorely disappointed. Never bet on anything involving humans to turn out the way you feel like it might.
My advice is to go into this with as few expectations as possible. Polyamory can be done, and happily, but if you expect someone else to behave a certain way, you're in trouble. Know your own boundaries and dealbreakers and then see what happens as it happens.
posted by chainsofreedom at 12:41 PM on November 22, 2015 [12 favorites]
Kudos to you both for looking at alternative models of relationships. I like the book Opening Up as well. I think maybe you should discuss if you have an end goal (as in, how long can he experience others) or have regular checkins if the goal is when he's ready. When I was in an open relationship I was fine with sex with other people but we had to negotiate more with the 'dating' aspects - ie. If he and his lover were going to see a movie first and I had wanted to see that movie with him that was more of an issue for me. Other couples I know have rules that they can't sleep with anyone in their town. Also we were open but not poly.
posted by biggreenplant at 12:43 PM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by biggreenplant at 12:43 PM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: One thing that might help is recognize that all relationships are risky. Think about it - sooner or later, all relationships end - either you break up or eventually one of you dies. For most 20 year olds, a break up is far more likely than a fifty year marriage. (Although it can happen - in the past year there were two deaths in my family, both men leaving behind a widow that they had met as a teen and shared lives with for more than sixty years)
What I'm trying to get at is the goal at this stage is not try to make the relationship risk free - that is impossible. The goal is to get to know each other better and better, to share your lives and to find out, over time, if you have a long term compatibility.
If he finds some else during his polyamorous adventures, it means this relationship was not the right one for the long term for him. If he decides that he likes being poly and you don't like it, it means this relationship was not the right one for the long term for you. There a lots of other reason to end a relationship as well - he wants to live in Europe and you want to stay close to your family or he wants 17 children and you want 2. Whatever. The point is that you won't know these things until you have been together as well as time to grow and change personally. My advice is don't be afraid of risk in a relationship. It is normal and if you are not afraid, you will be able to make more loving, thoughtful decisions.
Last word of advice - don't make any long term commitments to this relationship until you have given it more time. If you are hoping this is a phase, as it was for you, please give yourselves both time to find out before you make any big commitments based on that assumption.
posted by metahawk at 12:48 PM on November 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
What I'm trying to get at is the goal at this stage is not try to make the relationship risk free - that is impossible. The goal is to get to know each other better and better, to share your lives and to find out, over time, if you have a long term compatibility.
If he finds some else during his polyamorous adventures, it means this relationship was not the right one for the long term for him. If he decides that he likes being poly and you don't like it, it means this relationship was not the right one for the long term for you. There a lots of other reason to end a relationship as well - he wants to live in Europe and you want to stay close to your family or he wants 17 children and you want 2. Whatever. The point is that you won't know these things until you have been together as well as time to grow and change personally. My advice is don't be afraid of risk in a relationship. It is normal and if you are not afraid, you will be able to make more loving, thoughtful decisions.
Last word of advice - don't make any long term commitments to this relationship until you have given it more time. If you are hoping this is a phase, as it was for you, please give yourselves both time to find out before you make any big commitments based on that assumption.
posted by metahawk at 12:48 PM on November 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
Sorry if I came across as two negative (first comment). Others with more direct experience with this type of relationship might be more helpful; my view was coming from what looked to be an inherent imbalance in the situation, but then again, no relationship is completely well-balanced.
hope it works out for you.
posted by bearette at 1:14 PM on November 22, 2015
hope it works out for you.
posted by bearette at 1:14 PM on November 22, 2015
Best answer: I sort of had two relationships like this during my divorce. I married young and had somewhat limited experience. Both men were substantially older than me.
The first relationship was basically a case of "one hot mess." The second was a really good relationship. Based on that and some reading I've done:
I will suggest you define the relationship as simply "open" rather than as one person doing the poly thing and the other not. You are each free to do as you choose, including not seeing other people.
I will suggest your definition of "open" be defined more by a concept of emotional openness and honesty/open door policy/open communication than any particular sexual choice. That doesn't mean you have to discuss all the details, but there certainly should not be any lies or deception.
My experiences led me to believe that a feeling of jealousy is largely rooted in me not getting my needs met. If a man is good to me, I don't care how he spends his time when we are apart. This is not a sexual thing per se. My ex husband was sexually faithful but I used to say "He is married to his job and his hobbies are his mistresses. On a good day, I am fifth on his list." I deeply resented his hobbies. He was very devoted to them. Me, not so much.
The first man -- "Felix" -- did a lot of really shitty, controlling, manipulative, catch-22 things to me. He pushed me into experiences I did not want. If I said "No", he was mad. If I said "Yes," he was not only mad, he was jealous and also blamed me. I quickly concluded "This asshole needs to GO." But then he proved to be difficult to get rid of. Oy. It was all kinds of drama, a huge lesson in What Not To Do.
The second man -- "Navarre" -- was accepting of my choices. He liked listening to me talk about my experiences as another way to know me deeply. He was extremely honest. He liked my honesty. He was really good to me. He was very accepting and kind and respectful. He never tried to push me into anything.
Over time, one by one, I dumped the other men I had non exclusive relationships with. I only wanted Navarre. I spent some years hoping we would marry. But that never happened.
Knowing him was a privilege. It raised the bar on what I expect from a man. I have no regrets.
I think it is possible for this to be a positive experience for both of you. First and foremost, be good to each other. The rest is just details.
posted by Michele in California at 1:34 PM on November 22, 2015 [6 favorites]
The first relationship was basically a case of "one hot mess." The second was a really good relationship. Based on that and some reading I've done:
I will suggest you define the relationship as simply "open" rather than as one person doing the poly thing and the other not. You are each free to do as you choose, including not seeing other people.
I will suggest your definition of "open" be defined more by a concept of emotional openness and honesty/open door policy/open communication than any particular sexual choice. That doesn't mean you have to discuss all the details, but there certainly should not be any lies or deception.
My experiences led me to believe that a feeling of jealousy is largely rooted in me not getting my needs met. If a man is good to me, I don't care how he spends his time when we are apart. This is not a sexual thing per se. My ex husband was sexually faithful but I used to say "He is married to his job and his hobbies are his mistresses. On a good day, I am fifth on his list." I deeply resented his hobbies. He was very devoted to them. Me, not so much.
The first man -- "Felix" -- did a lot of really shitty, controlling, manipulative, catch-22 things to me. He pushed me into experiences I did not want. If I said "No", he was mad. If I said "Yes," he was not only mad, he was jealous and also blamed me. I quickly concluded "This asshole needs to GO." But then he proved to be difficult to get rid of. Oy. It was all kinds of drama, a huge lesson in What Not To Do.
The second man -- "Navarre" -- was accepting of my choices. He liked listening to me talk about my experiences as another way to know me deeply. He was extremely honest. He liked my honesty. He was really good to me. He was very accepting and kind and respectful. He never tried to push me into anything.
Over time, one by one, I dumped the other men I had non exclusive relationships with. I only wanted Navarre. I spent some years hoping we would marry. But that never happened.
Knowing him was a privilege. It raised the bar on what I expect from a man. I have no regrets.
I think it is possible for this to be a positive experience for both of you. First and foremost, be good to each other. The rest is just details.
posted by Michele in California at 1:34 PM on November 22, 2015 [6 favorites]
I've been the other person who tried to be with someone who was poly but also pretty committed to someone who wasn't poly. It was confusing. Especially then when that person would call and be like "I'm sick and feeling lonely and please come home" and she would be like "umm I'm with this other guy, are you okay?" and he would be like "pleeease" and then I would feel vaguely guilty and then eventually she broke up with me and it was hard to tell if it was because she didn't like me or if it was that the other guy was jealous or both or what. Same kind of thing happened with my next "relationship." I will never ever again do anything with someone who is poly for experimental reasons while also having some mono person waiting "at home." Maybe some kind of one night stand thing could be alright. But anything beyond that and there are going to be emotional issues. So I'd ask how are you going to feel when your boyfriend texts you saying "sorry, I'm with this other girl tonight." And yeah, what if he falls in love with her? Do you want to be in a situation where he actually is in love with someone other than you? For how long can you be okay with that? Or will you expect him to really only love you?
posted by mbrock at 2:51 PM on November 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by mbrock at 2:51 PM on November 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Re conflicts of that sort:
You need something like 15 to 20 hours per week to establish and maintain an intimate relationship. If you can set aside a minimum of at least that much time per week, no matter how you divide it up, you will probably get enough time together to be emotionally intimate.
I wrote about my research on this aspect of it in a piece called There are Only So Many Hours in the Week: The Math of Monogamy
I am not posting that to suggest there is anything wrong with you doing this. I am posting it because it provides some realistic constraints based on actual research. It fits with my experience. I was able to have several relationships at a time when I was unemployed, a former homemaker, going through a divorce. My kids were old enough to not need me too much. Things like job hunting and getting a job ultimately made it impossible to keep doing things like that. The more I got a life, the less time I had for men and they gradually fell by the wayside.
If I were you, I would say "We need x amount of time together each week. I don't care how that happens and I don't care what you do the rest of the time (assuming it won't harm you -- he needs to practice safe sex, etc). But without spending X amount of time together, we don't actually have an intimate relationship."
That has some hope of also preventing ugly conflicts -- he needs to give you X amount of time if he wants to stay with you and you can dump him if he fails that test, having nothing to do with him having sexual experiences on the side -- and it also has some hope of preventing the scenario of him being in love with someone else.
From what I have read, women in situations like this tend to have a much bigger objection to a man bonding with someone else than with him screwing someone else.
If he can manage to support himself financially, give you 15-20 hours of his time per week, get enough sleep, take physical care of himself and ALSO spend 15-20 hours per week with someone else and thus "fall in love" with them, kudos to him. If he cannot give you the time, then he needs to make other choices -- make more money per hour and cut back on work or cut back on picking up other women or cut back on his other hobbies or whatever.
I don't care where the time comes from, but a man gives me those hours or gets the hell out of my life. Period. I don't fuck strangers. I only put out for an intimate relationship. If those hours are not there, it is not an intimate relationship and I am gone.
posted by Michele in California at 3:24 PM on November 22, 2015 [12 favorites]
You need something like 15 to 20 hours per week to establish and maintain an intimate relationship. If you can set aside a minimum of at least that much time per week, no matter how you divide it up, you will probably get enough time together to be emotionally intimate.
I wrote about my research on this aspect of it in a piece called There are Only So Many Hours in the Week: The Math of Monogamy
I am not posting that to suggest there is anything wrong with you doing this. I am posting it because it provides some realistic constraints based on actual research. It fits with my experience. I was able to have several relationships at a time when I was unemployed, a former homemaker, going through a divorce. My kids were old enough to not need me too much. Things like job hunting and getting a job ultimately made it impossible to keep doing things like that. The more I got a life, the less time I had for men and they gradually fell by the wayside.
If I were you, I would say "We need x amount of time together each week. I don't care how that happens and I don't care what you do the rest of the time (assuming it won't harm you -- he needs to practice safe sex, etc). But without spending X amount of time together, we don't actually have an intimate relationship."
That has some hope of also preventing ugly conflicts -- he needs to give you X amount of time if he wants to stay with you and you can dump him if he fails that test, having nothing to do with him having sexual experiences on the side -- and it also has some hope of preventing the scenario of him being in love with someone else.
From what I have read, women in situations like this tend to have a much bigger objection to a man bonding with someone else than with him screwing someone else.
If he can manage to support himself financially, give you 15-20 hours of his time per week, get enough sleep, take physical care of himself and ALSO spend 15-20 hours per week with someone else and thus "fall in love" with them, kudos to him. If he cannot give you the time, then he needs to make other choices -- make more money per hour and cut back on work or cut back on picking up other women or cut back on his other hobbies or whatever.
I don't care where the time comes from, but a man gives me those hours or gets the hell out of my life. Period. I don't fuck strangers. I only put out for an intimate relationship. If those hours are not there, it is not an intimate relationship and I am gone.
posted by Michele in California at 3:24 PM on November 22, 2015 [12 favorites]
polygamy means a man being married to more than one woman.
No, "polygamy" means anyone being married more than one person. (It's a type of polyamory — and yes, "polyamory" is what the OP means.) The word for a man being married to more than one woman is "polygyny." (It's a type of polygamy.)
posted by John Cohen at 4:02 PM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
No, "polygamy" means anyone being married more than one person. (It's a type of polyamory — and yes, "polyamory" is what the OP means.) The word for a man being married to more than one woman is "polygyny." (It's a type of polygamy.)
posted by John Cohen at 4:02 PM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's important for him to have certain experiences because he will never experience them again at this particular age.
Help us maneuver through this
I already sowed my wild oats
I have a feeling he's going to come to the same conclusion as me
the whole point is not to miss out
as smooth as possible
What rules should we lay down
You seem to have some pretty rigid expectations for someone considering a non-traditional relationship. Your boyfriend hasn't fucked the number of people, or the variety of demographics, that you consider appropriate, so you're going to enable him to have some set of novel sexual experiences, after which he will naturally decide to commit to you alone? Good luck with that.
Your logic is vaguely similar to Dan Savage's concept of being "monogamish," which might be a good term to google. He argues that humans are biologically bad at physical monogamy, so allowing the occasional external encounter makes social/emotional monogamy easier to maintain. He does not argue that people outgrow this non-monogamy, but then, neither do the poly resources that other posters have recommended. Opening Up does have a good section on jealousy, but by and large you don't sound poly. I certainly wouldn't get involved with a man whose SO viewed his relationship with me as some phase for him to get over - that's demeaning.
Your original post wasn't clear whether it was you or him pushing for this, but your update makes it sound like he's pushing for it, and that makes this whole question sound like a dozen other "I'm more committed to my relationship than my SO is, what do I do?" questions, to which the answer is never, "You should try a poly relationship."
He wants to be monogamous after he has these experiences, so this is just a temporary solution to meeting each other at the wrong time.
If that's how these things worked out, wouldn't you have gotten back together with your first love?
posted by orangejenny at 8:42 PM on November 22, 2015 [9 favorites]
Help us maneuver through this
I already sowed my wild oats
I have a feeling he's going to come to the same conclusion as me
the whole point is not to miss out
as smooth as possible
What rules should we lay down
You seem to have some pretty rigid expectations for someone considering a non-traditional relationship. Your boyfriend hasn't fucked the number of people, or the variety of demographics, that you consider appropriate, so you're going to enable him to have some set of novel sexual experiences, after which he will naturally decide to commit to you alone? Good luck with that.
Your logic is vaguely similar to Dan Savage's concept of being "monogamish," which might be a good term to google. He argues that humans are biologically bad at physical monogamy, so allowing the occasional external encounter makes social/emotional monogamy easier to maintain. He does not argue that people outgrow this non-monogamy, but then, neither do the poly resources that other posters have recommended. Opening Up does have a good section on jealousy, but by and large you don't sound poly. I certainly wouldn't get involved with a man whose SO viewed his relationship with me as some phase for him to get over - that's demeaning.
Your original post wasn't clear whether it was you or him pushing for this, but your update makes it sound like he's pushing for it, and that makes this whole question sound like a dozen other "I'm more committed to my relationship than my SO is, what do I do?" questions, to which the answer is never, "You should try a poly relationship."
He wants to be monogamous after he has these experiences, so this is just a temporary solution to meeting each other at the wrong time.
If that's how these things worked out, wouldn't you have gotten back together with your first love?
posted by orangejenny at 8:42 PM on November 22, 2015 [9 favorites]
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This thread is closed to new comments.
Maybe others who have tried this "one-sided" thing can chime in with how it worked for them, but I have my doubts...
Also- the word you are looking for is polyamory- polygamy means a man being married to more than one woman.
posted by bearette at 11:38 AM on November 22, 2015 [6 favorites]