Housemate situation: how to maintain proper boundaries?

November 22, 2015 7:28 AM

I am sort of stuck with a situation I don't know how to get out off. I recently moved in with a housemate that I didn't know before. He has been trying very hard to make me feel welcome. I don't really desire the type of closer platonic friendship that he seems to want. How to set appropriate boundaries on my time and space? Details inside.

The complicating matter is he is a very attractive, extroverted and high energy man that is 10 years younger than me. Obviously I am attracted to him but in a superficial way that I know would never lead to anything (regardless of the roommate status). He has many attractive women after him and confides to me about all this.

I think this is all my problem. He has been nothing but nice and accommodating. He washes joint dishes all the time, cooks meals, buys food I like and in general is very sweet and generous. We had one issue so far and when I got upset, he promptly communicated and resolved it. I can't fault him as a housemate in any way. He also hangs out in the common areas whenever home (which is most of the time except 9-5 job) and if I go to my room, he will nicely message me and offer me a meal or want to hang out. It feels rude to just go to my room and close the door.

I can't match his energy and I am sure that he finds me too quiet and boring. But also, I just dislike being in a sexless platonic friend role. It lowers my confidence in general, even when I am not that into a guy.

I am not sure how to deal with this. I love this place and think that he means well and like him as a person. I just want more distance and space. I am an introvert and have limited energy for social activity and don't want it all consumed by this. I also want to maintain a good relationship with him.

Suggestions?

posted by sabina_r to Human Relations (13 answers total)

But also, I just dislike being in a sexless platonic friend role. It lowers my confidence in general, even when I am not that into a guy.

Well there's your problem. Go to therapy to address why being platonic friends with a man hurts your self-esteem and develop tools so it doesn't. Your life will be so much better!
posted by Andrhia at 7:31 AM on November 22, 2015 [42 favorites]

I just dislike being in a sexless platonic friend role

I agree that this is the crux of the thing. Most housemates are sexless platonic friends. I know you're not looking to move right now, but this definitely might need to factor in to your future choice of housemates. I also agree that it might be therapy time, because if this living experience is triggering a sense of insecurity about yourself, that's the thing to solve and no housemate discussion can do that.

In the meantime, you might want to just have a sit-down real talk where you say "I really enjoy how nice and welcoming you are, and I don't want you to think I don't like you or am standoffish. I'm just the kind of person that needs a lot of solo time to recharge."
posted by Miko at 7:37 AM on November 22, 2015 [15 favorites]

I think your preferences are totally reasonable; this would stress me out tremendously, even though I have lots of sexless platonic friends. Like most people, when I had housemates it was out of economic necessity, not because I loved being around Craigslist randos 24 hours a day.

Miko's script is a good one. The introvert snowflake stuff has gotten enough coverage lately that it shouldn't come as a complete shock to him that some people like to be alone.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 7:40 AM on November 22, 2015 [3 favorites]

It's very tiring for an introvert, even someone who is kind of introverted, to feel like they need to be "on" and social at all times in their home. I'm an introvert that has often had roommates/housemates and you just have to "train" them to get used to your habits if they are more extroverted and wanting to hang out/chat all the time. You can't let worry about them thinking you are "rude or boring" stop you from being comfortable in your home. Go to your room when you want to- just say, "I'm a little beat, going to rest in my room", or whatever else you want to say. After a few times of doing this, I am sure he will get the hint.

I do think there are other issues here surrounding your attraction to him and it seems like you have a desire to be noticed/admired by him which may be complicating things. I do understand that but you might want to explore how that is not really helping the situation.

Good luck.
posted by bearette at 7:57 AM on November 22, 2015 [5 favorites]

I just wanted to say that I don't think it's weird not to want to live with someone on whom you feel you might, based on their behavior, character and appearance, develop a useless crush - that's what I hear you saying here. I don't think that's a super-weird aversion to platonic friends that requires therapy. Living with someone is pretty intimate unless you have either a huge house, total mutual introversion or radically different hours; if you're single and a bit lonely, it can mess with your head if your housemate is reasonably physically appealing to you and pushes for emotional intimacy. "Attractive person with whom one is emotionally intimate" - for cripes sake, that's how we develop crushes in the first place, at least in large part.

I think that Miko's script and some room time sound like good strategies. It's possible that in five months or so he'll just be part of the landscape and you can reevaluate.
posted by Frowner at 8:04 AM on November 22, 2015 [5 favorites]

I think it's awkward for introverts to have roommates who want to see them all the time, and it's awkward for extroverts to have roommates who want to hide in their rooms all the time. It can seem like only one of those is reasonable -- how does it harm him if you just keep to yourself? -- but if you constantly feel like you're living with someone who doesn't like you or who is being driven behind closed doors by your presence, that can be really unpleasant, too. It's not that they have the right to force you to socialize but it can be helpful for the roommate situation to recognize that vehement anti-socialization does have a negative impact on them.

So, have the conversation with him -- you're kind of an introvert who really prefers to keep to your own space, it's not personal, it's just who you are -- but also create some kind of compromise. Maybe on Sunday nights the two of you make a big pot of spaghetti and watch ... uh ... I don't even know what's on TV on Sunday nights anymore. Game of Thrones? Is that Sundays? Whatever. The point is, have a kind of standing engagement in which you do socialize with him, so you're more than a closed door.

As for the platonic friend thing, may I suggest that in the future, you simply don't live with men?
posted by jacquilynne at 8:58 AM on November 22, 2015 [7 favorites]

But also, I just dislike being in a sexless platonic friend role.

Why would you move into a shared living situation with a guy, then? Like, how did you think this was going to work, as a living situation?

Anyway, you should just tell him "I appreciate that you are a great and welcoming housemate; I'm an introvert who needs a lot of alone time but I don't want you to take it personally."
posted by DarlingBri at 8:58 AM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

he's trying to be nice, and whether you want to fuck him is a mcguffin...have a chat and let it lie
posted by PinkMoose at 9:06 AM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

I can completely relate to your preference for having your own space and solitude in your own home. It is perfectly reasonable to kindly communicate your need for alone time to your housemate. Most adults, I hope, would prefer open communication to avoidance. I think you run the risk of developing animosity toward him and that, more than we are usually aware of, gets picked up on.

I really do think you need to take a look at why you don't like being in a sexless platonic friend role (especially when you're not even into a guy). This seems to me to be a very unhealthy perspective to have about relationships in general. I can imagine that having such a perspective probably has some far reaching implications in other aspects of your life beyond the scope of this question. I really dislike the knee jerk reaction that I see from people suggesting therapy as the answer to every problem but this seems like a problem worth talking to a professional about.
posted by teamnap at 9:09 AM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

You need to let him know he's made you feel welcome, but that you're an introvert. Maybe he's cool with that, or maybe it will make him uncomfortable. You'll have to open a dialogue and find out!

I'm sure the crush goes away once you establish some boundaries. If not, you can always move.
posted by jbenben at 9:20 AM on November 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

I think that some women (me included) are in perpetual...hetero awareness mode when there's a guy in the same room. We try to look a bit more put to gether, put a bit more effort into making conversation, talk perhaps a bit more flirtily than we would when we're shlubbing around with another woman. That's exhausting in your own home. And I imagine that having a guy be not only attractive but also attentive to you must only exacerbate it. (Any guy that seems attentive to my needs is already pinging my "he must be romantically interested" radar, because guys, particularly house mates, so rarely make an effort!)

I don't really have an answer. Perhaps you could nip this off at the bud by announcing your intention of lounging about at home in your sweatpants from now on? I mean, it's a stupid idea. But maybe you have another way of forcing home for yourself the idea that you're just housemates?
posted by Omnomnom at 10:37 AM on November 22, 2015 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: I think there are 2 separate issues here, introversion and some attraction. Yes, I indeed try to look more put together and put more effort into conversation. I don't believe that he is romantically interested in any way though. The whole thing makes me permanently tired.

As for having female flatmates, that brings another set of problems. They are usually more difficult and seem to cause pointless drama over minor issues. They also tend to flirt with (my) boyfriends. I thought I would have a more easy going relationship with a guy but didn't count on attraction being a factor.

I will most likely just hang in there until the end of lease and then look for another place by myself.
posted by sabina_r at 12:33 PM on November 22, 2015

I am sure that he finds me too quiet and boring
Don't assume this is true - it may just be you projecting your own discomfort with what is going on. He may be a little confused by your introversion but he might also appreciate having a low-need, low-drama roommate. Go ahead and have a talk about how things are going, what you need and what he needs to make this work well. Could fun once you get used to each other.
posted by metahawk at 2:29 PM on November 22, 2015