What should I do about this contact from an ex?
November 19, 2015 10:56 AM Subscribe
Three and a half years ago, I (a man) ended a relationship with a woman and have not had any interaction with her since. In the past few months, she (1) left a series of love notes for me on a tree by a running path near my house; (2) sent me a letter at my work asking to meet in person to speak about our breakup; and (3) sent me an email the same day asking why I hadn't agreed to meet with her in person. All of this would be okay (but awkward) had we broken up three weeks ago, but, as it's been three and a half years, I'm a little concerned. What should I do? Not do? I have not yet replied in any way.
In case it matters, both the ex and I are in our 30s, both educated. I've been in a long term relationship for the past year and a half (don't know if the ex knows this ... but it's pretty easy to figure out).
One more complicating factor: my ex had chronic pain which made it difficult for her to work or to maintain relationships and also necessitated taking a LOT of pain medicine (and the amount was steadily increasing). As I have not spoken to her since the breakup, I have no insights into her current health, work, relationship, or drug status.
In case it matters, both the ex and I are in our 30s, both educated. I've been in a long term relationship for the past year and a half (don't know if the ex knows this ... but it's pretty easy to figure out).
One more complicating factor: my ex had chronic pain which made it difficult for her to work or to maintain relationships and also necessitated taking a LOT of pain medicine (and the amount was steadily increasing). As I have not spoken to her since the breakup, I have no insights into her current health, work, relationship, or drug status.
File a police report for stalking. If her behavior escalates, then you have a record of these incidents and you aren't starting from square one with the next incident.
posted by cecic at 11:03 AM on November 19, 2015 [25 favorites]
posted by cecic at 11:03 AM on November 19, 2015 [25 favorites]
You know what your options are. Either have a conversation with her and go from there, or don't if you think she's unstable or unreasonable. Nothing you've told us here points definitively one way or the other.
Do you want permission to ignore her? Ignore her.
posted by cmoj at 11:04 AM on November 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Do you want permission to ignore her? Ignore her.
posted by cmoj at 11:04 AM on November 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
3 years with zero interaction, and she's suddenly sending you letters at your workplace and leaving love notes for you on your jogging route? This screams stalker behavior.
If you're concerned that this might go off the rails, inform your partner and your coworkers that this is going on, and show your partner and your coworkers a picture of your ex and let them know that they should not engage this person or give them any information about you.
posted by erst at 11:04 AM on November 19, 2015 [19 favorites]
If you're concerned that this might go off the rails, inform your partner and your coworkers that this is going on, and show your partner and your coworkers a picture of your ex and let them know that they should not engage this person or give them any information about you.
posted by erst at 11:04 AM on November 19, 2015 [19 favorites]
Keep ignoring it. If it escalates (and I would say another instance of something like love notes on a tree would count) or this is still going on another couple months down the line, it might be a kindness to contact a close friend of hers and say something like "I'm concerned about Megan, she's been trying to contact me in increasingly inappropriate ways. I don't want to get involved in this, but if she's having some kind of crisis I would want you to be aware of it as her friend."
posted by phunniemee at 11:04 AM on November 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 11:04 AM on November 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
Don't engage. She might have hit some personal milestone that is prompting her to re-evaluate her past, but that's not on you to deal with. I have had a long ago ex get in touch and get all "what if" and it was unnerving and kinda creepy.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 11:05 AM on November 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 11:05 AM on November 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Consider changing up your routine for now, like arriving and leaving work earlier/later if you can, parking in different spots, and changing up your exercise routes (if you exercise outside on that running path).
Also, document the emails and notes, but do not engage.
posted by topophilia at 11:10 AM on November 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
Also, document the emails and notes, but do not engage.
posted by topophilia at 11:10 AM on November 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
Agreeing with everything above except contacting a close friend of hers. She might see that as you trying to get back into her life in a roundabout way.
Stay very far away and keep your current love in the loop. She sounds unbalanced and could turn on your current woman.
Run on a different path. The fact that she knows this about you is super creepy. Even if this is the path you ran on 3 years ago, how does she still know you do this today?
Is there a front office person where you work? Someone who should be in the loop in case she shows up at your job?
posted by archimago at 11:10 AM on November 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
Stay very far away and keep your current love in the loop. She sounds unbalanced and could turn on your current woman.
Run on a different path. The fact that she knows this about you is super creepy. Even if this is the path you ran on 3 years ago, how does she still know you do this today?
Is there a front office person where you work? Someone who should be in the loop in case she shows up at your job?
posted by archimago at 11:10 AM on November 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
Please file a police report, and let HR know that this person shouldn't be allowed on the property. Also use a different route for jogging. I assume you've already mentioned the incident to your current partner.
posted by SMPA at 11:18 AM on November 19, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by SMPA at 11:18 AM on November 19, 2015 [10 favorites]
Definitely change your route for running, doing stuff around your neighborhood, going to work, etc. It is intensely creepy that she is leaving stuff on trees for you because she knows where you'll be and when.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:20 AM on November 19, 2015 [22 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 11:20 AM on November 19, 2015 [22 favorites]
My answer would have been different if this hadn't already been going on for "months," by the way. This wasn't just a one-time instance of disturbing behavior, and she's responded to you ignoring her by getting more directly confrontational (after having started with a behavior I would expect to see in a Stephen King novel, frankly.)
I would also be less freaked out if she were a teenager. The fact that this is an adult doing these bizarre and utterly inappropriate things is a huge red flag.
Ooh, hey, and it looks like I get to be the first person in this thread to recommend The Gift of Fear. Yay me!
posted by SMPA at 11:22 AM on November 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
I would also be less freaked out if she were a teenager. The fact that this is an adult doing these bizarre and utterly inappropriate things is a huge red flag.
Ooh, hey, and it looks like I get to be the first person in this thread to recommend The Gift of Fear. Yay me!
posted by SMPA at 11:22 AM on November 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
I would have a conversation with the police. Call the non-emergency number and just ask the front desk if you could make an appointment to speak to someone about some possible stalking behavior and next steps.
The conversation after that should be with HR, and if you have a police report number you can offer them that, but do not otherwise overexplain. "This person is not in my life and is attempting to make contact inappropriately, what is the procedure here for this kind of issue?"
None of your caveats matter. It's not reasonable to send letters about a breakup to someone's place of employment, it's extremely unreasonable to put notes on trees. There's nothing that makes those things okay, not even if you broke up 3 weeks ago.
You are making a dangerously vigorous attempt to minimize this behavior, probably because it's really scary and you don't want it to be, but that is an approach that puts you, your partner, and possibly your coworkers in danger.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:26 AM on November 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
The conversation after that should be with HR, and if you have a police report number you can offer them that, but do not otherwise overexplain. "This person is not in my life and is attempting to make contact inappropriately, what is the procedure here for this kind of issue?"
None of your caveats matter. It's not reasonable to send letters about a breakup to someone's place of employment, it's extremely unreasonable to put notes on trees. There's nothing that makes those things okay, not even if you broke up 3 weeks ago.
You are making a dangerously vigorous attempt to minimize this behavior, probably because it's really scary and you don't want it to be, but that is an approach that puts you, your partner, and possibly your coworkers in danger.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:26 AM on November 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
Ignore. Continue to live your life.
If this behavior does not stop, or escalates, talk to the police and be prepared to file a restraining order.
posted by kilohertz at 11:26 AM on November 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
If this behavior does not stop, or escalates, talk to the police and be prepared to file a restraining order.
posted by kilohertz at 11:26 AM on November 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would be worried about her mental health. I would probably contact friends of hers and let them know I was concerned about her well-being.
posted by aniola at 11:29 AM on November 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by aniola at 11:29 AM on November 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
seconding ignore, but want to clarify that you *should* tell your partner.
posted by andrewcooke at 11:36 AM on November 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by andrewcooke at 11:36 AM on November 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
Send her a very brief message: 'Stop contacting me'. If it continues, then you can bring in the police and get really worried.
posted by bq at 11:51 AM on November 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by bq at 11:51 AM on November 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
Gotta agree with the folks saying to talk to the police (to get it on record, in case, heaven forbid, Ex escalates). And yeah, document document document --- take photos of the notes stuck on the tree, showing where & how they were left, then save them, the emails and the letter (with envelope) sent to your office.
Talk to your current partner now and make sure she knows what's going on: that Ex seems to be trying to get back with you, not you trying to get back with Ex. Keep Current Partner fully in the loop so she doesn't get blindsided if Ex tries to lie and, for instance, say you are back together.
If Ex had keys to your place and you didn't already, change your locks.
Warn your boss & coworkers, so if Ex comes by they'll know not to escort her to your desk.
Never, never, never respond to Ex: do it once and she'll never quit. It's called an 'extinction burst': basically, if you get frustrated and finally break down and respond after Ex's twenty-third note, what you've just taught her is that it takes 23 tries to get a reaction from you. If someone is strong enough to only respond to the 100th note, then the lesson to the stalker is it takes 100 tries. You want her to learn you'll never respond.
posted by easily confused at 11:55 AM on November 19, 2015 [26 favorites]
Talk to your current partner now and make sure she knows what's going on: that Ex seems to be trying to get back with you, not you trying to get back with Ex. Keep Current Partner fully in the loop so she doesn't get blindsided if Ex tries to lie and, for instance, say you are back together.
If Ex had keys to your place and you didn't already, change your locks.
Warn your boss & coworkers, so if Ex comes by they'll know not to escort her to your desk.
Never, never, never respond to Ex: do it once and she'll never quit. It's called an 'extinction burst': basically, if you get frustrated and finally break down and respond after Ex's twenty-third note, what you've just taught her is that it takes 23 tries to get a reaction from you. If someone is strong enough to only respond to the 100th note, then the lesson to the stalker is it takes 100 tries. You want her to learn you'll never respond.
posted by easily confused at 11:55 AM on November 19, 2015 [26 favorites]
I've been stalked under similar circumstances (genders, timeline, methods), and actually wrote a short Web page explaining this at one point: I call it the Big Red Button.
The person in question may well be in a position where they can't correctly interpret any signals from you as anything other than "attention".
Your approach might be to think that a certain combination of words or expressions will convey what you want to convey, but the situation is more likely that no matter what you actually say or do, all you're doing is just hitting a big red button labeled "attention".
You can't hit that button in a way that conveys information, you're either hitting the button or not hitting the button.
This may not be the case here, but your situation is remarkably similar to mine, and it took me a long long time to figure this out about my stalker, and that there was no way to engage this problem that wasn't just hitting that button over and over again.
It feels inhumane, and works against the regular human wiring to explain things and try to solve problems, but zero contact -- not even talk-to-her-friends-about-it, because that's just a roundabout way of pushing that button -- is the only thing that ultimately worked for me.
I also did take the step of contacting the local police, which did not go well and was an aggravating and humiliating way to run headlong into The Patriarchy at 100 MPH, but ultimately was worth the time and effort.
The worst-case scenario of zero contact is that somebody will maybe think you're a bit mean. The worst-case scenario of contact is renewed and escalating cycles of harassment.
Don't push the button.
posted by Shepherd at 11:56 AM on November 19, 2015 [47 favorites]
The person in question may well be in a position where they can't correctly interpret any signals from you as anything other than "attention".
Your approach might be to think that a certain combination of words or expressions will convey what you want to convey, but the situation is more likely that no matter what you actually say or do, all you're doing is just hitting a big red button labeled "attention".
You can't hit that button in a way that conveys information, you're either hitting the button or not hitting the button.
This may not be the case here, but your situation is remarkably similar to mine, and it took me a long long time to figure this out about my stalker, and that there was no way to engage this problem that wasn't just hitting that button over and over again.
It feels inhumane, and works against the regular human wiring to explain things and try to solve problems, but zero contact -- not even talk-to-her-friends-about-it, because that's just a roundabout way of pushing that button -- is the only thing that ultimately worked for me.
I also did take the step of contacting the local police, which did not go well and was an aggravating and humiliating way to run headlong into The Patriarchy at 100 MPH, but ultimately was worth the time and effort.
The worst-case scenario of zero contact is that somebody will maybe think you're a bit mean. The worst-case scenario of contact is renewed and escalating cycles of harassment.
Don't push the button.
posted by Shepherd at 11:56 AM on November 19, 2015 [47 favorites]
Do read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. He's an expert; we're just guessing. If you do read it, you'll probably conclude:
Do not contact her. Telling her not to contact you counts as contacting her. Contacting anyone she knows counts as contacting her. I understand the sympathetic impulse, but this person is probably stalking you and even indirect contact, like any indication of any reaction at all, is not appropriate in stalking situations. It also actually won't help her mental state, as it will feed her obsession. She may need help, but not from you.
Make a police report, but not with the goal of obtaining a restraining order, as that will register as contact to her and ramp up the high drama between you that's going on in her head. The purpose of the report is official documentation. They may or may not not investigate but they will take it all down and advise you.
Live your life. Be on the lookout; warn your SO and your office and any inner circle on a need-to-know basis not to engage her in ANY way. Change up your routines a bit, change passwords, make sure everything on your home and car locks up well, don't answer unknown numbers or friend requests or knocks on the door, be careful not to reveal too much about your location on social media, and your SO should do likewise. But live your life.
Keep all of her correspondence in a single location, and turn over to the police if necessary, but again, do not respond in any way. If you see more physical letters, consider having someone else (like the police) retrieve them in case she's watching the area. (That sounds far-fetched but then again, the very act of hiding things in trees on your route is already majorly over the line.)
posted by kapers at 12:05 PM on November 19, 2015 [9 favorites]
Do not contact her. Telling her not to contact you counts as contacting her. Contacting anyone she knows counts as contacting her. I understand the sympathetic impulse, but this person is probably stalking you and even indirect contact, like any indication of any reaction at all, is not appropriate in stalking situations. It also actually won't help her mental state, as it will feed her obsession. She may need help, but not from you.
Make a police report, but not with the goal of obtaining a restraining order, as that will register as contact to her and ramp up the high drama between you that's going on in her head. The purpose of the report is official documentation. They may or may not not investigate but they will take it all down and advise you.
Live your life. Be on the lookout; warn your SO and your office and any inner circle on a need-to-know basis not to engage her in ANY way. Change up your routines a bit, change passwords, make sure everything on your home and car locks up well, don't answer unknown numbers or friend requests or knocks on the door, be careful not to reveal too much about your location on social media, and your SO should do likewise. But live your life.
Keep all of her correspondence in a single location, and turn over to the police if necessary, but again, do not respond in any way. If you see more physical letters, consider having someone else (like the police) retrieve them in case she's watching the area. (That sounds far-fetched but then again, the very act of hiding things in trees on your route is already majorly over the line.)
posted by kapers at 12:05 PM on November 19, 2015 [9 favorites]
Some people relate to time passing differently. This person may have adored you and failed at the relationship. This timeless person might just want to say she changed for the better, and just wants to change your memory of her. She might have some therapist who is encouraging her to contact you. She may have read some woo that directed her to do this.
I would not over react. I would find a way to convey to her she cannot change your past perceptions, and you are discomfited by her attempts at contact you. Wish her well and shut the door. In fact say, "The door to my life is closed to you, but I won't speak badly of you, should I run into you in a social situation."
People want to know intimacy, but end it at will. It is harmful and disrespectful to treat exes like trash, except when your safety dictates it. That includes emotional well being.
It sounds like the ending was perfunctory, necessary, for you. This person may be moving into your social circle and wants to make a new impression for reasons of her comfort.
.
posted by Oyéah at 12:09 PM on November 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
I would not over react. I would find a way to convey to her she cannot change your past perceptions, and you are discomfited by her attempts at contact you. Wish her well and shut the door. In fact say, "The door to my life is closed to you, but I won't speak badly of you, should I run into you in a social situation."
People want to know intimacy, but end it at will. It is harmful and disrespectful to treat exes like trash, except when your safety dictates it. That includes emotional well being.
It sounds like the ending was perfunctory, necessary, for you. This person may be moving into your social circle and wants to make a new impression for reasons of her comfort.
.
posted by Oyéah at 12:09 PM on November 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
You don't owe this woman closure. Best to ignore and continue non-contact if you can.
It may be an ok idea to write but not send a response letter along the lines of "I don't appreciate these notes. I do not owe you closure, and won't be giving you any. I have zero interest in talking with you. Please don't contact me again". Then you don't need to give it any more thought.
posted by lizbunny at 12:19 PM on November 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
It may be an ok idea to write but not send a response letter along the lines of "I don't appreciate these notes. I do not owe you closure, and won't be giving you any. I have zero interest in talking with you. Please don't contact me again". Then you don't need to give it any more thought.
posted by lizbunny at 12:19 PM on November 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
You guys, OP has given us zero reason to think that they're keeping this a secret from their SO.
posted by phunniemee at 12:40 PM on November 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by phunniemee at 12:40 PM on November 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's hard for me to see how bringing the police into this isn't a teensy bit premature at this point. It would help to know just how long your relationship was previously. If you dated for a year or less, then I'd say ignore and then go to the police if things escalate. If you dated for say, 10 or even only 3 or 4 years, and if you ended on fairly good terms, then maybe let her know that getting back together is not a thing that is going to happen but you wish her the best etc. The amount of time you knew her/dated her really does play into whether or not you owe her some closure. If she was a major feature of your life I don't think it's right to just excise her completely.
posted by dis_integration at 12:41 PM on November 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by dis_integration at 12:41 PM on November 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
The complicating factor of her health and pain medication is worrisome. Do you know her family or best friends? If she's having some kind of medication related mental illness she might need help. See if you can discreetly gather and share some information with her support group. Maybe she's not really in control of her actions. Or maybe the info you have will help her support group put together other odd activity she's recently displayed to get her help if she indeed has had some kind of mental breakdown.
posted by littlewater at 2:07 PM on November 19, 2015
posted by littlewater at 2:07 PM on November 19, 2015
This sounds like the woman who stalked my father. It was funny right up until it wasn't. Have a talk with the police sooner rather than later; it is very helpful to have a paper trail if she starts, say, going to the police accusing your partner of abusing you or other family members. (This started with her calling my dad's work and requesting songs from a radio call-in show she knew my dad liked and ended with false child abuse accusations that the state took very seriously.)
Also, talk to any relatives that she knows, and any nearby relatives with your last name that she doesn't. My father's stalker was having weekly chats with a distant aunt, and we found this out months after it started.
posted by tchemgrrl at 2:20 PM on November 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
Also, talk to any relatives that she knows, and any nearby relatives with your last name that she doesn't. My father's stalker was having weekly chats with a distant aunt, and we found this out months after it started.
posted by tchemgrrl at 2:20 PM on November 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
It's hard for me to see how bringing the police into this isn't a teensy bit premature at this point.
I sort of agree but at the same time if the genders involved were reversed askme would be advising the anonymous woman to get a concealed carry permit because of the man hiding along the path she takes to run alone so he could leave her notes demanding her attention.
posted by poffin boffin at 2:49 PM on November 19, 2015 [4 favorites]
I sort of agree but at the same time if the genders involved were reversed askme would be advising the anonymous woman to get a concealed carry permit because of the man hiding along the path she takes to run alone so he could leave her notes demanding her attention.
posted by poffin boffin at 2:49 PM on November 19, 2015 [4 favorites]
She left notes for you on a tree along your running path? Whoa. Consider filing a complaint with the police maybe, but do not engage with her. Maybe switch up your running route while you're at it.
posted by AppleTurnover at 3:29 PM on November 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by AppleTurnover at 3:29 PM on November 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
I have not yet replied in any way.
Yeah, keep doing this, because that Big Red "Attention" Button that Shepherd's talking about above? Is pretty much how de Becker describes a stalker's thought process in Gift of Fear - any attention is interpreted as good attention and will just increase the likelihood of your ex escalating. And notes left near your house and letters sent to your work are way into creepy territory.
Nthing getting this stuff on record with the police, let your co-workers & SO & family know what she looks like and that they are not to engage her in ANY way.
One more complicating factor: my ex had chronic pain which made it difficult for her to work or to maintain relationships and also necessitated taking a LOT of pain medicine (and the amount was steadily increasing). As I have not spoken to her since the breakup, I have no insights into her current health, work, relationship, or drug status.
This may be a complicating factor in why your ex is behaving this way, but it shouldn't affect your response in the slightest. Do not engage.
posted by soundguy99 at 4:05 PM on November 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
Yeah, keep doing this, because that Big Red "Attention" Button that Shepherd's talking about above? Is pretty much how de Becker describes a stalker's thought process in Gift of Fear - any attention is interpreted as good attention and will just increase the likelihood of your ex escalating. And notes left near your house and letters sent to your work are way into creepy territory.
Nthing getting this stuff on record with the police, let your co-workers & SO & family know what she looks like and that they are not to engage her in ANY way.
One more complicating factor: my ex had chronic pain which made it difficult for her to work or to maintain relationships and also necessitated taking a LOT of pain medicine (and the amount was steadily increasing). As I have not spoken to her since the breakup, I have no insights into her current health, work, relationship, or drug status.
This may be a complicating factor in why your ex is behaving this way, but it shouldn't affect your response in the slightest. Do not engage.
posted by soundguy99 at 4:05 PM on November 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
If you're concerned that this might go off the rails, inform your partner and your coworkers that this is going on, and show your partner and your coworkers a picture of your ex and let them know that they should not engage this person or give them any information about you.
Don't do this. One of them will be misguided enough to just directly tell her "ex said you were doing this what's up?" which basically counts as engagement in the grander scheme of things and will just escalate/stir the pot.
It's basically triangulation. Not in the typical sense, but I can see it hurting and making the situation worse just as easily as I can see it helping.
I've watched it play out that stupid way more than once. Shit, I've been doofusly complicit more than once.
posted by emptythought at 4:32 PM on November 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Don't do this. One of them will be misguided enough to just directly tell her "ex said you were doing this what's up?" which basically counts as engagement in the grander scheme of things and will just escalate/stir the pot.
It's basically triangulation. Not in the typical sense, but I can see it hurting and making the situation worse just as easily as I can see it helping.
I've watched it play out that stupid way more than once. Shit, I've been doofusly complicit more than once.
posted by emptythought at 4:32 PM on November 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Having been stalked by a woman in her 30s, my advice is as above - do not engage at all. Every little crumb of contact you give in response to her actions sends her the message that she just needs to keep trying and eventually you will respond.
posted by modernnomad at 5:33 PM on November 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by modernnomad at 5:33 PM on November 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
You've had no contact for over three years. She is leaving messages that let you know she knows your routine and she expects you to jump up and pay attention when she says to, and that don't come to your home. This is at best wildly inappropriate and weird, especially if you've had zero contact for over three years.
Even if you are sure at your core that she can't or wouldn't hurt you, there's still a lot of bad shit she could do to you and you've already made clear over the last three plus years that you don't want to engage and things are over. A mature adult would get that it's time to move on. Someone who just wanted to clear something up or apologize could've put that in a letter or email. She did not do that.
File a police report. Make sure your SO knows what's up. If she ever had a key to your place, change the locks. If there are people you're sure you can trust to keep a lid on things and not let word slip back to her, letting friends know could be good. Whatever you do, do not engage, and don't dismiss her out of hand - this is obviously bothering you enough to post about it, so something in your brain is giving you warning signals. Pay attention to them - worst case you may feel like you're overreacting, but it's a lot better than wishing you'd taken the warning signs more seriously.
posted by bile and syntax at 6:26 PM on November 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
Even if you are sure at your core that she can't or wouldn't hurt you, there's still a lot of bad shit she could do to you and you've already made clear over the last three plus years that you don't want to engage and things are over. A mature adult would get that it's time to move on. Someone who just wanted to clear something up or apologize could've put that in a letter or email. She did not do that.
File a police report. Make sure your SO knows what's up. If she ever had a key to your place, change the locks. If there are people you're sure you can trust to keep a lid on things and not let word slip back to her, letting friends know could be good. Whatever you do, do not engage, and don't dismiss her out of hand - this is obviously bothering you enough to post about it, so something in your brain is giving you warning signals. Pay attention to them - worst case you may feel like you're overreacting, but it's a lot better than wishing you'd taken the warning signs more seriously.
posted by bile and syntax at 6:26 PM on November 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
Have your cars thoroughly checked out. Consider secure parking and/or parking your car in view of working cameras.
Check the laws in your state, I would also put a camera on my home focused on the front door in some way.
Poor woman, it sounds like she's completely lost it. Don't assume she's harmless, may as well take precautions.
posted by jbenben at 9:20 PM on November 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
Check the laws in your state, I would also put a camera on my home focused on the front door in some way.
Poor woman, it sounds like she's completely lost it. Don't assume she's harmless, may as well take precautions.
posted by jbenben at 9:20 PM on November 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
I noticed that you did not make any mention of your ex acting in this way (or any other unreasonable way) while you were together, or during/immediately after your breakup. This leads me to think that Something Has Happened - either she is having a mental health episode or there has been some traumatic event in her life that has tipped her over the edge and caused this out of character behaviour.
I see the reasoning behind not responding at all, but I also think a firm "No, I don't want to talk to you, please don't contact me again" may get through to her. Calling the police at this stage seems like overkill, though if she had been doing it ever since your break up, or continued to do it after being told not to it would be entirely appropriate. I do also think that having a word with a mutual friend who can help her would be a good idea, but the mutual friend should not let her know that you said anything as your concern might be interpreted as "he still has feelings for me!"
posted by intensitymultiply at 6:05 AM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I see the reasoning behind not responding at all, but I also think a firm "No, I don't want to talk to you, please don't contact me again" may get through to her. Calling the police at this stage seems like overkill, though if she had been doing it ever since your break up, or continued to do it after being told not to it would be entirely appropriate. I do also think that having a word with a mutual friend who can help her would be a good idea, but the mutual friend should not let her know that you said anything as your concern might be interpreted as "he still has feelings for me!"
posted by intensitymultiply at 6:05 AM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
OP, I know police involvement may sound alarming/alarmist but I have some experience in this. You're just creating an official paper record here, that's all, and police is the agency that handles this paperwork. It's important to take this step before she escalates further; you don't want to wait until she does something even more distressing.
You are not asking them to arrest her, you are not asking them for a restraining order, you are not calling 911 because someone wrote you a letter-- you are simply sitting down at the station to try to file a report JUST IN CASE she does escalate. You want an official record of this. So if next week she shows up at your window and you call the cops they aren't all "lol okay buddy." Instead there will be proof that it's part of an escalating pattern. Depending on the officers who speak to you, they might not even want to take a report, they may very likely be dicks about it, they're almost certainly not going to "do" anything, but that's okay; you should take this step anyway so it's on file. Just in case.
Trust your gut, which is saying this behavior is disturbing enough to ask this question.
posted by kapers at 8:02 AM on November 20, 2015 [13 favorites]
You are not asking them to arrest her, you are not asking them for a restraining order, you are not calling 911 because someone wrote you a letter-- you are simply sitting down at the station to try to file a report JUST IN CASE she does escalate. You want an official record of this. So if next week she shows up at your window and you call the cops they aren't all "lol okay buddy." Instead there will be proof that it's part of an escalating pattern. Depending on the officers who speak to you, they might not even want to take a report, they may very likely be dicks about it, they're almost certainly not going to "do" anything, but that's okay; you should take this step anyway so it's on file. Just in case.
Trust your gut, which is saying this behavior is disturbing enough to ask this question.
posted by kapers at 8:02 AM on November 20, 2015 [13 favorites]
Kapers is correct - it's fine if the paper trail turns into nothing. That's the best case scenario! But make the paper trail in case.
posted by bile and syntax at 8:41 AM on November 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by bile and syntax at 8:41 AM on November 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
You're just creating an official paper record here, that's all, and police is the agency that handles this paperwork.
Yes this. Don't feel like it's too alarmist because "police", at this stage it's more that you fill out forms and they sit in a file. It's no more dramatic than buying insurance -- and, like insurance, you want it just in case.
posted by yohko at 12:23 PM on November 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
Yes this. Don't feel like it's too alarmist because "police", at this stage it's more that you fill out forms and they sit in a file. It's no more dramatic than buying insurance -- and, like insurance, you want it just in case.
posted by yohko at 12:23 PM on November 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Etrigan at 10:59 AM on November 19, 2015 [32 favorites]