What to do if you said something mean that got back to that person?
November 19, 2015 4:39 AM Subscribe
Let's say I said something about person B to person A ("Person B is a terrible mother!") and person A relates that to Person B. Do I have to apologize to Person B if I said it in confidence?
What if everyone knows I meant it? Would a phony baloney apology make everything better?
I ask because, according to my husband, my in-laws have said very critical things about me to him. He probably wasn't supposed to tell me these things, but he told me what they said. Now, I'm angry at them but don't know if I'll ever get anything like an apology or should get an apology considering I know they meant every word and they thought they were speaking in confidence!!
How to begin to address this?!!
How would you act if you were in both our shoes?
I ask because, according to my husband, my in-laws have said very critical things about me to him. He probably wasn't supposed to tell me these things, but he told me what they said. Now, I'm angry at them but don't know if I'll ever get anything like an apology or should get an apology considering I know they meant every word and they thought they were speaking in confidence!!
How to begin to address this?!!
How would you act if you were in both our shoes?
If I were in your shoes, I would ask my husband exactly what he is trying to achieve by relaying these comments to you.
If I were in your husband's shoes, I would tell my family members that unless their criticisms are in some way constructive, I would appreciate it if they would stop criticising my spouse, who I love very much.
posted by bimbam at 4:45 AM on November 19, 2015 [10 favorites]
If I were in your husband's shoes, I would tell my family members that unless their criticisms are in some way constructive, I would appreciate it if they would stop criticising my spouse, who I love very much.
posted by bimbam at 4:45 AM on November 19, 2015 [10 favorites]
Step 1: Husband does not ever, ever permit his family to say things like that about you in his presence.
Step 2: There is no step 2.
posted by instamatic at 4:46 AM on November 19, 2015 [20 favorites]
Step 2: There is no step 2.
posted by instamatic at 4:46 AM on November 19, 2015 [20 favorites]
Would a phony baloney apology make everything better?
I think you answered your own question in this regard. No, it wouldn't make anything better.
In your husband's shoes I would tell them whenever they do this, "You can't think you are telling me this in confidence; this is my spouse you are talking about."
In your shoes I would ask him what he thinks I am supposed to do now that I've heard. What your in-lays say is really immaterial but the two of you need to get on the same page about handling this shitty behavior. Given it's his family, it's largely his job to handle and he needs to stick up for you. However you are certainly within your rights to bring this up with them.
posted by BibiRose at 4:47 AM on November 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
I think you answered your own question in this regard. No, it wouldn't make anything better.
In your husband's shoes I would tell them whenever they do this, "You can't think you are telling me this in confidence; this is my spouse you are talking about."
In your shoes I would ask him what he thinks I am supposed to do now that I've heard. What your in-lays say is really immaterial but the two of you need to get on the same page about handling this shitty behavior. Given it's his family, it's largely his job to handle and he needs to stick up for you. However you are certainly within your rights to bring this up with them.
posted by BibiRose at 4:47 AM on November 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
For generations in-laws have disagreed with their daughter-in-laws parenting.
People can be critical and mean it and it ins't "wrong".
There are of course very mean spirited was to say things.
No knowing exactly what was said, how and why, really complicates things.
I think this is a just move-on moment.
In-laws are like neighbors. Do everything in your power to get along with them and it makes your life better.
posted by ReluctantViking at 4:55 AM on November 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
People can be critical and mean it and it ins't "wrong".
There are of course very mean spirited was to say things.
No knowing exactly what was said, how and why, really complicates things.
I think this is a just move-on moment.
In-laws are like neighbors. Do everything in your power to get along with them and it makes your life better.
posted by ReluctantViking at 4:55 AM on November 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
Would a phony baloney apology make everything better?
Bullshit apologies make the world go round. Without them most of us would be socially stymied in about 10% of our lives.
That said, I agree with others that this was a fucked up thing to relate to you, it was out of context. Maybe they think you're too lenient, too strict, whatever, people tend to have Lots Of Opinions about other people's parenting. They may hold this opinion and like and respect you anyway, and they surely should have kept their mouths shut, but the person who really fucked up is your husband who didn't shut down the conversation and then compounded the error by relaying this to you.
Or was he trying to say that he *agreed* with the about some aspect of your parent ('You let the kids stay up too late.' 'You're too rigid with scheduling' 'You're not letting them be independent enough' 'you're not protective enough'.)
If so he needs to take a close look about how he communicates in general, because that's bullshit on top of bullshit. Those opinions may or may not be valid, but as parenting partners are worth talking about openly and directly.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:57 AM on November 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
Bullshit apologies make the world go round. Without them most of us would be socially stymied in about 10% of our lives.
That said, I agree with others that this was a fucked up thing to relate to you, it was out of context. Maybe they think you're too lenient, too strict, whatever, people tend to have Lots Of Opinions about other people's parenting. They may hold this opinion and like and respect you anyway, and they surely should have kept their mouths shut, but the person who really fucked up is your husband who didn't shut down the conversation and then compounded the error by relaying this to you.
Or was he trying to say that he *agreed* with the about some aspect of your parent ('You let the kids stay up too late.' 'You're too rigid with scheduling' 'You're not letting them be independent enough' 'you're not protective enough'.)
If so he needs to take a close look about how he communicates in general, because that's bullshit on top of bullshit. Those opinions may or may not be valid, but as parenting partners are worth talking about openly and directly.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:57 AM on November 19, 2015 [2 favorites]
Instamatic pretty much said what I was going to, your husband should never have told you the details of a private conversation. Now we don't really know the details of what was said but context is everything in a situation like this.
If they were just being horrible because they don't like you, that's one thing, but if it was part of a deeper conversation about trying to figure out how or why you were doing something, it may be more forgiveable. I think people should be able to have private conversations without having to apologise for them, but of course, in this case, you were told things you weren't supposed to know. In which case, should you choose to lay blame, the person I would be mad with is your husband. He should learn to keep his mouth shut.
posted by Jubey at 5:01 AM on November 19, 2015 [4 favorites]
If they were just being horrible because they don't like you, that's one thing, but if it was part of a deeper conversation about trying to figure out how or why you were doing something, it may be more forgiveable. I think people should be able to have private conversations without having to apologise for them, but of course, in this case, you were told things you weren't supposed to know. In which case, should you choose to lay blame, the person I would be mad with is your husband. He should learn to keep his mouth shut.
posted by Jubey at 5:01 AM on November 19, 2015 [4 favorites]
I thought you were asking because you said something mean and someone else found out. This is a situation I've been in a few times because I'm an asshole. The general response people get is "I'm really sorry, that was just flat out mean and it was inexcusable. I was just blowing off steam but that's still no reason to say what I said. I'm sorry," and then I never do it (about that person) again. But that's only if I like them. If I don't like them they get a shrug and an insincere "sorry you found out like that." (See above re: asshole.)
For that reason, I would not expect any kind of real apology from your in laws. Usually when people shit within family the relationship is either pretty broken to begin with or it's part of a mutual blowing off steam even though you love each other deep down kind of thing, and, at least in my experience, it gets ignored and forgotten rather than addressed.
Forget about an apology and tell your husband to stick up for you next time. I've hung up the phone on family if they've started to badmouth boyfriends, and those are just people I've dated, not even married to. What's he doing just sitting and listening to people badmouth his spouse?
posted by phunniemee at 6:03 AM on November 19, 2015 [8 favorites]
For that reason, I would not expect any kind of real apology from your in laws. Usually when people shit within family the relationship is either pretty broken to begin with or it's part of a mutual blowing off steam even though you love each other deep down kind of thing, and, at least in my experience, it gets ignored and forgotten rather than addressed.
Forget about an apology and tell your husband to stick up for you next time. I've hung up the phone on family if they've started to badmouth boyfriends, and those are just people I've dated, not even married to. What's he doing just sitting and listening to people badmouth his spouse?
posted by phunniemee at 6:03 AM on November 19, 2015 [8 favorites]
I am trying to understand what your husband's role in this was, because to me that is the crux of the problem. As others have said, there is absolutely no excuse for him to listen to his in-laws criticizing you without stepping up, defending you, and insisting that he is the wrong audience for that sort of talk. And there's absolutely no excuse for his telling you what they said without following it up with "and then I told them to stuff it / that you were the best and they were wrong / that this is what actually happened, and I'm disappointed you jumped to that conclusion about her." - The only reason for him to share a negative from them is if it comes with a positive from him - then it can make you stronger as a couple because he is clearly on your team.
If he is sharing negativity about you without defending you (or telling you that he defended you at the time), he is telling you that at least on some level, he agrees with them. Not just from his parents - from anyone.
That's where you need an apology. He is not on your team.
If it hurts that deeply, you could always throw him under the bus the next time you see your in-laws, and tell them "So I hear you think I _____. Can we talk about that?" And let them know it hurts you and why it's incorrect. Then they'll know their son can't be trusted and may be less quick to dump any negativity about you on him, knowing you won't let them off the hook for it. And your husband will know that you will defend yourself, even if he won't - how he reacts to that will tell you a lot about where you stand with him when it comes to his parents. Not sure I recommend that as a first response, though.
posted by Mchelly at 6:05 AM on November 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
If he is sharing negativity about you without defending you (or telling you that he defended you at the time), he is telling you that at least on some level, he agrees with them. Not just from his parents - from anyone.
That's where you need an apology. He is not on your team.
If it hurts that deeply, you could always throw him under the bus the next time you see your in-laws, and tell them "So I hear you think I _____. Can we talk about that?" And let them know it hurts you and why it's incorrect. Then they'll know their son can't be trusted and may be less quick to dump any negativity about you on him, knowing you won't let them off the hook for it. And your husband will know that you will defend yourself, even if he won't - how he reacts to that will tell you a lot about where you stand with him when it comes to his parents. Not sure I recommend that as a first response, though.
posted by Mchelly at 6:05 AM on November 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
How did they think it was OK to tell your husband something and not expect him to tell you? That seems to really be the issue here. He should have stuck up for you, but in addition, they need to know that they cannot expect him to keep secrets from his spouse.
Any time I tell someone something, I assume that their spouse will know as well -- that's an inviolable agreement.
posted by fiercecupcake at 6:14 AM on November 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
Any time I tell someone something, I assume that their spouse will know as well -- that's an inviolable agreement.
posted by fiercecupcake at 6:14 AM on November 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
I would want to know they said these things, and I would be glad my husband told me. YMMV.
Of course you won't get an apology from them, and it's not worth your time or energy to bring it up. Thank your husband for his honesty, think about the criticism, acknowledge truth in it if there is any, dismiss it if it lacks merit, and then let it go.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 6:17 AM on November 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
Of course you won't get an apology from them, and it's not worth your time or energy to bring it up. Thank your husband for his honesty, think about the criticism, acknowledge truth in it if there is any, dismiss it if it lacks merit, and then let it go.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 6:17 AM on November 19, 2015 [6 favorites]
Not relaying every single untoward thing your parents say about your spouse to them is on like page one of Basics in Spousing. This is a husband fail. I wouldn't beat yourself or your in-laws too much if they have behind-closed-doors reservations about you, as this is common. If you do want to talk about that situation though, there's a club for that; they're called Everyone and they meet next to the booze at Thanksgiving.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:08 AM on November 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:08 AM on November 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
When I was a high school shit-disturber, the school disciplinary officer went around interviewing all of my teachers about me, supposedly in confidence. Then this disciplinary officer locked me in a storage closet and read me every one of their confidential testimonials expressing what a jerk they thought I was. When my teachers found out he had shared their interview transcripts with me, nearly all of them approached me to apologize.
posted by Beardman at 7:15 AM on November 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Beardman at 7:15 AM on November 19, 2015 [1 favorite]
Not relaying every single untoward thing your parents say about your spouse to them is on like page one of Basics in Spousing. This is a husband fail.
Yeah I see it as a good opportunity to talk about boundaries. Obviously people have differing opinions about how much they want to know shit that is talked about them but the way I see it is
- You should have the option of knowing if people talk shit about you to your spouse because of spousal privilege
- This doesn't mean that discretion from your spouse about what stuff to tell you isn't also okay, but is something the two of you negotiate
- Usually being on Team Us (with your spouse) means that they shouldn't be sitting idly by while people talk shit about you
So I'd pick this apart a little. I have a longtime SO who has a son. The son's mom is someone who talks shit about a lot of people, me included. My SO would tell me "Son's mom said this crazy thing about you..." and I had to ask him why he was telling me? Like what's the takeaway I'm supposed to get? That she is unhniged (that's a known thing)? That maybe he wants to get props for sticking up for me (okay)? That maybe he agrees with something she said and wants to talk about it (okay)? That it made him feel bad and he wants support from me about it (probably not something I can do)?
With my SO it was often the last thing and I had to finally tell him that passing on crappy stuff someone said about me be cause it made HIM feel bad was not going to work for me and he'd have to tell someone else those stories. And that worked for the most part. If the things your in-laws are saying are things that threaten the long term stability of the extended family, I'd maybe consider talking about this with your spouse and deciding what to do. But if it's just run-of-the-mill shit talking I'd think a bit yourself about how much of that you need to know and think that the proper response from Team Us (i.e. you and spouse) should be and move forward that way. It's unlikely they'll apologize but it might be worthwhile that your spouse be more up front with them "Hey I am on Team Marrie4d now, so when you shit talk my spouse, not only will I tell her but it's shit talking me as well. Please don't do that" (or whatever)
Sometimes it takes people a while to adjust to figuring out how to go from the role of being someone's kid to being someone's partner and what to do when those roles conflict.
posted by jessamyn at 7:25 AM on November 19, 2015 [20 favorites]
Yeah I see it as a good opportunity to talk about boundaries. Obviously people have differing opinions about how much they want to know shit that is talked about them but the way I see it is
- You should have the option of knowing if people talk shit about you to your spouse because of spousal privilege
- This doesn't mean that discretion from your spouse about what stuff to tell you isn't also okay, but is something the two of you negotiate
- Usually being on Team Us (with your spouse) means that they shouldn't be sitting idly by while people talk shit about you
So I'd pick this apart a little. I have a longtime SO who has a son. The son's mom is someone who talks shit about a lot of people, me included. My SO would tell me "Son's mom said this crazy thing about you..." and I had to ask him why he was telling me? Like what's the takeaway I'm supposed to get? That she is unhniged (that's a known thing)? That maybe he wants to get props for sticking up for me (okay)? That maybe he agrees with something she said and wants to talk about it (okay)? That it made him feel bad and he wants support from me about it (probably not something I can do)?
With my SO it was often the last thing and I had to finally tell him that passing on crappy stuff someone said about me be cause it made HIM feel bad was not going to work for me and he'd have to tell someone else those stories. And that worked for the most part. If the things your in-laws are saying are things that threaten the long term stability of the extended family, I'd maybe consider talking about this with your spouse and deciding what to do. But if it's just run-of-the-mill shit talking I'd think a bit yourself about how much of that you need to know and think that the proper response from Team Us (i.e. you and spouse) should be and move forward that way. It's unlikely they'll apologize but it might be worthwhile that your spouse be more up front with them "Hey I am on Team Marrie4d now, so when you shit talk my spouse, not only will I tell her but it's shit talking me as well. Please don't do that" (or whatever)
Sometimes it takes people a while to adjust to figuring out how to go from the role of being someone's kid to being someone's partner and what to do when those roles conflict.
posted by jessamyn at 7:25 AM on November 19, 2015 [20 favorites]
I am sure my husband would defend me and would ALSO tell me because he tells me everything.
But you know what? Let this die right now except to the extent the subject of the negativity is something you and your husband should talk about. Eg if they commented I was late for everything I might ask my husband if that is something he tends to feel I do with him.
Do not, repeat, do not pursue this with your in laws directly or indirectly, and say nothing bad about them to your husband. They are his family and that tie rarely breaks. Close as they are, in laws are not linked to you if, heaven forbid, things ever go south with you and your husband. (Except in very rare cases that aren't yours.). Be polite, be hospitable, and be careful.
posted by bearwife at 8:19 AM on November 19, 2015
But you know what? Let this die right now except to the extent the subject of the negativity is something you and your husband should talk about. Eg if they commented I was late for everything I might ask my husband if that is something he tends to feel I do with him.
Do not, repeat, do not pursue this with your in laws directly or indirectly, and say nothing bad about them to your husband. They are his family and that tie rarely breaks. Close as they are, in laws are not linked to you if, heaven forbid, things ever go south with you and your husband. (Except in very rare cases that aren't yours.). Be polite, be hospitable, and be careful.
posted by bearwife at 8:19 AM on November 19, 2015
If they told your husband they damn well knew it would get back to you. What I'd want is an apology from my husband for not defending me. It sounds like you are a team on this & maybe he wasn't prepared, but if they do it again then he needs to call them on this shit.
What your husband is doing right now is passing on a problem (& the emotional labor that goes with it) on to you. Which is something my husband would have done at one time, as it's a scary confrontational thing drawing the line with your own parents for some people.
Your inlaws (and maybe your husband) need to realize that while your husband will always love them it's not them & your hubby on one side & you on the other, but that you & your husband are a team that have each others backs. This is important not just for handling your inlaws but for a good strong relationship, in my opinion.
What ever you decide to do about the situation present a united front, let your husband do the talking. WE think that was uncalled for name calling. WE think it was not appropriate, so for now WE will be doing x.
posted by wwax at 9:07 AM on November 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
What your husband is doing right now is passing on a problem (& the emotional labor that goes with it) on to you. Which is something my husband would have done at one time, as it's a scary confrontational thing drawing the line with your own parents for some people.
Your inlaws (and maybe your husband) need to realize that while your husband will always love them it's not them & your hubby on one side & you on the other, but that you & your husband are a team that have each others backs. This is important not just for handling your inlaws but for a good strong relationship, in my opinion.
What ever you decide to do about the situation present a united front, let your husband do the talking. WE think that was uncalled for name calling. WE think it was not appropriate, so for now WE will be doing x.
posted by wwax at 9:07 AM on November 19, 2015 [5 favorites]
Did your husband manage to mention how he shut them down immediately and told them that he would absolutely not tolerate them saying disrespectful things about his wife and partner? Because if he didn't, I'd have a problem with that.
posted by quince at 10:34 AM on November 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by quince at 10:34 AM on November 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
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If I was your husband, I would apologise to you and tell you how I was going to have a word with my family about how amazing you are.
You can be mad at your in-laws too but you're right you're not going to get an apology from them, they're just going to get defensive, get mad at your husband for "blabbing" and dig their heels in about their opinion of you.
posted by like_neon at 4:44 AM on November 19, 2015 [81 favorites]