Honestly, families with two working parents, how do you do it?
November 18, 2015 6:27 AM Subscribe
This risks being overly vague, but I'm really curious about how it works for other people. We have a child (and one on the way); I work part-time (but hope to go full time at some point) and my husband has a flexible job. And still, everything is -- crazy. Help?
By "crazy" I just mean hectic, no time, not much energy to do much more than spend time with the kiddo, shop for dinner, cook dinner, de minimis housework and a little Netflix with the spouse before zonking out. I'd like this to improve, but I only see it getting much harder with a second kid and my hopes to ramp up my career.
I can give more details but basically I'm looking for two kinds of thoughts of this. First, what big tips helped you the most (i.e., moving closer to work or family, going freelance, etc.)? And also -- hacks. What might I be missing that might make my life much easier and leave me with more energy? (should we hire a house-cleaner? should we have a standing babysitter? should we invest in more childcare -- right now we have 3 days a week. ) Also open to reading material on this!
Hope this isn't too broad and I know many see this as an unsolvable conundrum -- I just find it really difficult to have an honest conversation about this with people I know and get straightforward answers, and I'd love some food for thought.
By "crazy" I just mean hectic, no time, not much energy to do much more than spend time with the kiddo, shop for dinner, cook dinner, de minimis housework and a little Netflix with the spouse before zonking out. I'd like this to improve, but I only see it getting much harder with a second kid and my hopes to ramp up my career.
I can give more details but basically I'm looking for two kinds of thoughts of this. First, what big tips helped you the most (i.e., moving closer to work or family, going freelance, etc.)? And also -- hacks. What might I be missing that might make my life much easier and leave me with more energy? (should we hire a house-cleaner? should we have a standing babysitter? should we invest in more childcare -- right now we have 3 days a week. ) Also open to reading material on this!
Hope this isn't too broad and I know many see this as an unsolvable conundrum -- I just find it really difficult to have an honest conversation about this with people I know and get straightforward answers, and I'd love some food for thought.
First, memail me if you'd just like to vent. We have three kids and we are both working parents.
Second, embrace the crazy. You're not wrong to think that you have no time, and that it always feels like it's falling apart. It's not falling apart, it just feels like it is. It will be more than fine, just ride it out.
Hacks: The crock pot is your best friend. Make a plan for chores that divides things evenly and fairly. You seem to have money in your budget for a house-cleaner - use and enjoy that while it lasts! (We have a pillow on our couch that reads "Sorry for the mess, but we live here," which is one of our parenting mantras. The house does NOT have to be pristine, nor close to it.)
Most of all, enjoy it, because you will look back on this period with such fondness. Best of luck!
posted by jbickers at 6:33 AM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
Second, embrace the crazy. You're not wrong to think that you have no time, and that it always feels like it's falling apart. It's not falling apart, it just feels like it is. It will be more than fine, just ride it out.
Hacks: The crock pot is your best friend. Make a plan for chores that divides things evenly and fairly. You seem to have money in your budget for a house-cleaner - use and enjoy that while it lasts! (We have a pillow on our couch that reads "Sorry for the mess, but we live here," which is one of our parenting mantras. The house does NOT have to be pristine, nor close to it.)
Most of all, enjoy it, because you will look back on this period with such fondness. Best of luck!
posted by jbickers at 6:33 AM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: This is great already! No parents remotely close by, unfortunately; we could move closer but that would be a seriously huge life change for both of us (our parents both live in different countries than we do.) A little money in the budget, but only for short-term relief from madness -- we don't have debt but need to ramp up our long term savings at some point.
posted by caoimhe at 6:36 AM on November 18, 2015
posted by caoimhe at 6:36 AM on November 18, 2015
I use a lot of cooking packets.... where you add like 2 things, onion and meat/chicken leave it simmering and meal is done. I don't even chop an onion anymore, I use onion powder and buy precut meat (where I am its the same price) my husband thinks I am amazing and thats my secret. I usually make sphagetti bolonase, creamy salmon, chicken pie, nut roast, chilli.... none of it takes more than 10 minutes of my time.
posted by flink at 6:37 AM on November 18, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by flink at 6:37 AM on November 18, 2015 [5 favorites]
Oh! and it saves us money too.... I find I only buy protein and veggies now....
posted by flink at 6:38 AM on November 18, 2015
posted by flink at 6:38 AM on November 18, 2015
Baby flink is also on a good routine- and he sleeps from 7-7... and I go to bed around 9 or 10.... having sleep is what makes me sane, especially now we are expecting our second.
posted by flink at 6:41 AM on November 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by flink at 6:41 AM on November 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
I do have parents close by but mostly what they provide is childcare 2 days a week for the same hours that daycare does, so what it saves us is a little money rather than time.
Otherwise: we live pretty close to where we both work and close to daycare. It's a 10 minute drive to daycare then another 15-20 minutes (in city traffic) from daycare to where I park for work. It makes a huge difference.
We have a crockpot/pressure cooker combination device that also has a timer and auto-shut-off. Throw all the ingredients in in the morning, set it to start cooking around noon, come home to hot meal.
We have a chore board (son is still too little for chores, so it's for me and my husband) with tasks divided up as weekly, monthly and quarterly. This is the only thing that keeps the house from being an abject disaster. However, another key survival strategy is to have low standards. My house is not nor will it ever be a museum. The very fact that it is not covered in actualfax filth or piled high with stacks of years-old newspapers is enough for me to be satisfied.
We Google Calendar everything with shared calendars so me and husband are on the same page.
We don't have the money to hire help, so we just kind of muddle through. The low standards thing helps a lot.
posted by soren_lorensen at 6:43 AM on November 18, 2015
Otherwise: we live pretty close to where we both work and close to daycare. It's a 10 minute drive to daycare then another 15-20 minutes (in city traffic) from daycare to where I park for work. It makes a huge difference.
We have a crockpot/pressure cooker combination device that also has a timer and auto-shut-off. Throw all the ingredients in in the morning, set it to start cooking around noon, come home to hot meal.
We have a chore board (son is still too little for chores, so it's for me and my husband) with tasks divided up as weekly, monthly and quarterly. This is the only thing that keeps the house from being an abject disaster. However, another key survival strategy is to have low standards. My house is not nor will it ever be a museum. The very fact that it is not covered in actualfax filth or piled high with stacks of years-old newspapers is enough for me to be satisfied.
We Google Calendar everything with shared calendars so me and husband are on the same page.
We don't have the money to hire help, so we just kind of muddle through. The low standards thing helps a lot.
posted by soren_lorensen at 6:43 AM on November 18, 2015
A little money in the budget, but only for short-term relief from madness -- we don't have debt but need to ramp up our long term savings at some point.
Early childhood may not be this point when the other option is to get some domestic help, like in the form of house cleaning. Adding an infant may make it even less of an optimal time to choose long term savings over short-term needs.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:44 AM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
Early childhood may not be this point when the other option is to get some domestic help, like in the form of house cleaning. Adding an infant may make it even less of an optimal time to choose long term savings over short-term needs.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:44 AM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
"Freezer Meals" are popular for a reason. Plop all that in the crockpot and leave it, come home to food with little to no effort.
Casseroles, soup, chili, etc, all make big batches with one go of effort and then can be eaten for lunch or reheated for dinner tomorrow; adding cheese or herbs on top is a five second operation.
posted by Medieval Maven at 6:45 AM on November 18, 2015
Casseroles, soup, chili, etc, all make big batches with one go of effort and then can be eaten for lunch or reheated for dinner tomorrow; adding cheese or herbs on top is a five second operation.
posted by Medieval Maven at 6:45 AM on November 18, 2015
Hire a cleaning person once a week, for however many hours can work in your budget. Whole house is great, but even if all they do is bathrooms and kitchen (or laundry and vaccuuming, or whatever your two least-favorite jobs are), you're ahead of the game.
This chart is pretty spot on - it is amazing how much little kids can do if you believe they can do it -- having them help with the around the house stuff is good for everyone, and helps keep the can't you see I'm cleaning I can't entertain you now bogeyman at rest.
Remember - the older the kids get, the easier some of this will become. By 7 they should be able to self-direct and self-entertain, and you start to get your life back.
posted by Mchelly at 6:47 AM on November 18, 2015 [14 favorites]
This chart is pretty spot on - it is amazing how much little kids can do if you believe they can do it -- having them help with the around the house stuff is good for everyone, and helps keep the can't you see I'm cleaning I can't entertain you now bogeyman at rest.
Remember - the older the kids get, the easier some of this will become. By 7 they should be able to self-direct and self-entertain, and you start to get your life back.
posted by Mchelly at 6:47 AM on November 18, 2015 [14 favorites]
Once you have the second kid, it'll be much the same as it is now, except without the time for Netflix. You just get used to it.
One tip I can think of: all errands should include kids. One parent goes to the grocery store with both kids, so the other parent has a little alone time just to deal.
You probably already know this, but cook a lot on the weekends and have big tubs of leftovers in your freezer or fridge. There is literally no family I know where somebody is cooking a dinner from scratch every night. Just doesn't happen in families where both people are working outside the house. (And, honestly, I don't even think it happens that much when one parent is home; I know that when my wife works weekends and I'm with the kids all day, dinner is, shall we say, less elaborate than what I usually make.)
posted by escabeche at 6:47 AM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
One tip I can think of: all errands should include kids. One parent goes to the grocery store with both kids, so the other parent has a little alone time just to deal.
You probably already know this, but cook a lot on the weekends and have big tubs of leftovers in your freezer or fridge. There is literally no family I know where somebody is cooking a dinner from scratch every night. Just doesn't happen in families where both people are working outside the house. (And, honestly, I don't even think it happens that much when one parent is home; I know that when my wife works weekends and I'm with the kids all day, dinner is, shall we say, less elaborate than what I usually make.)
posted by escabeche at 6:47 AM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
Honestly, I feel a lot like you do, many days. We're both working full-time (and doing five-day-a-week daycare), so when we get home from work, it's a race to cook dinner and actually get to spend quality time until bedtime ... and then it's time to make tomorrow's lunches, fold laundry, straighten up a bit, etc. before collapsing into bed. It's a grind, but those few hours of bonding each evening are worth it. It's helped to take time to reflect on that with my wife.
Having family nearby is, for us, pretty important. Even if we're not actually dropping the sprog off with her grandparents, we can stop by on the weekends and have a few hours of shared childcare. When we're feeling especially stressed, we can call them up and schedule a night or afternoon of babysitting so we can go be grown-ups. Since you don't have family nearby, maybe it would help to schedule a standing babysitter so you can decompress sometimes.
I also work one day a week from home while the baby is at daycare. This lets me get a little housework and extra cooking done for the week. I can make a roast that we re-purpose as leftovers all week. I can actually vacuum or work on household projects without a toddler underfoot. It also gives me a little bit of time to "be alone," which is something we all need. Sometimes I take babyozzy to my mom's or to the library for a couple hours on the weekend to give my wife some alone time. Maybe a setup like that would help one of you cope a little bit more.
Also, yes: crock pot, freezer meals, re-using leftovers. The weeks where we plan meals are much easier than the weeks where we don't and are cooking every night (like this week; oops).
posted by uncleozzy at 6:51 AM on November 18, 2015
Having family nearby is, for us, pretty important. Even if we're not actually dropping the sprog off with her grandparents, we can stop by on the weekends and have a few hours of shared childcare. When we're feeling especially stressed, we can call them up and schedule a night or afternoon of babysitting so we can go be grown-ups. Since you don't have family nearby, maybe it would help to schedule a standing babysitter so you can decompress sometimes.
I also work one day a week from home while the baby is at daycare. This lets me get a little housework and extra cooking done for the week. I can make a roast that we re-purpose as leftovers all week. I can actually vacuum or work on household projects without a toddler underfoot. It also gives me a little bit of time to "be alone," which is something we all need. Sometimes I take babyozzy to my mom's or to the library for a couple hours on the weekend to give my wife some alone time. Maybe a setup like that would help one of you cope a little bit more.
Also, yes: crock pot, freezer meals, re-using leftovers. The weeks where we plan meals are much easier than the weeks where we don't and are cooking every night (like this week; oops).
posted by uncleozzy at 6:51 AM on November 18, 2015
When our guy was little, we were gone from the house from about 8am until about 5:30 or 6pm. Other than cooking supper and doing dishes, we didn't attempt to do any housework during the week. Laundry, vacuuming, bathrooms, etc was done over the course of the weekend. And no, the whole place did not get cleaned every weekend. That was okay with us. We enjoyed our kid more than we worried about dust. It was okay.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 6:54 AM on November 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 6:54 AM on November 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
The number one thing? An early and ruthless bedtime. Critter #1 (9mo) goes down at 6:30. Critter #2 (4yo) goes down at 7:30. We get up at 6 to get out of the house by 7.
Also, division of labor. I generally handle the kids during the morning. I get them up, feed them and get them dressed. I take them to school/daycare. We're out of the house by 7. My wife generally takes care of things after work, as I don't usually get home until closer to 5. She picks them up around 4 and does the snacks and things and gets things ready for dinner.
We are both big meal planners. She (vegetarian) and I both like to make a couple of big-pot meals on the weekends and eat them throughout the week. Big pots of stew, soup, goulash, whatever we like. Our freezer is FULL. I then generally grill something up (meat) for myself as well.
posted by sanka at 6:54 AM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
Also, division of labor. I generally handle the kids during the morning. I get them up, feed them and get them dressed. I take them to school/daycare. We're out of the house by 7. My wife generally takes care of things after work, as I don't usually get home until closer to 5. She picks them up around 4 and does the snacks and things and gets things ready for dinner.
We are both big meal planners. She (vegetarian) and I both like to make a couple of big-pot meals on the weekends and eat them throughout the week. Big pots of stew, soup, goulash, whatever we like. Our freezer is FULL. I then generally grill something up (meat) for myself as well.
posted by sanka at 6:54 AM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
I have two kids, five and three, and both my spouse and I work full time. I'm a 9-5er and he works many more hours than I do. We have no family nearby. Yes, you feel like you're drowning. You are totally normal to feel that way. Housework is done in a frenzy on the weekend, and there are no special projects like volunteering, lessons, etc.
One thing that helped immensely was a mother's helper. For a while we had the daycare assistant worker bring home the older child and then she stayed and gave both kids a bath. This allowed me to concentrate on slapping a meal together that was more to my liking without anyone underfoot.
I place a high value on fresh, varied and healthy dinners. It saves my sanity to write up my meal plan over the weekend and make sure that all groceries are obtained. That way I don't have to scramble to plan and cook during the weeknights.
posted by Liesl at 6:57 AM on November 18, 2015
One thing that helped immensely was a mother's helper. For a while we had the daycare assistant worker bring home the older child and then she stayed and gave both kids a bath. This allowed me to concentrate on slapping a meal together that was more to my liking without anyone underfoot.
I place a high value on fresh, varied and healthy dinners. It saves my sanity to write up my meal plan over the weekend and make sure that all groceries are obtained. That way I don't have to scramble to plan and cook during the weeknights.
posted by Liesl at 6:57 AM on November 18, 2015
We only have one kid and I totally know what you mean. Unfortunately we don't have room in our budget for a house cleaner, but I would totally do that if we could afford it. What has helped us:
- We don't expect the house to look fantastic all the time. As long as the kitchen & bathrooms aren't unhealthy, we accept a little mess and disorder.
- We use the slow cooker a LOT.
- We order cheap pizza when we just can't get it together enough to make a meal.
- We prioritize time with the kid over a perfectly balanced healthy meal and super clean house. In ten years no one will care if we had a spotless house or kale salad every day...but our kid will remember the family togetherness.
- We try to be kind to ourselves and remember that this is temporary. Kid will grow up and things will get easier.
posted by barnoley at 6:59 AM on November 18, 2015 [14 favorites]
- We don't expect the house to look fantastic all the time. As long as the kitchen & bathrooms aren't unhealthy, we accept a little mess and disorder.
- We use the slow cooker a LOT.
- We order cheap pizza when we just can't get it together enough to make a meal.
- We prioritize time with the kid over a perfectly balanced healthy meal and super clean house. In ten years no one will care if we had a spotless house or kale salad every day...but our kid will remember the family togetherness.
- We try to be kind to ourselves and remember that this is temporary. Kid will grow up and things will get easier.
posted by barnoley at 6:59 AM on November 18, 2015 [14 favorites]
My husband and I just have one kid (2y0), but we work full time out of the house. My son goes to daycare 9 hours a day during the week.
Food wise - I prep veggies one or two nights a week and always have fruit on hand. That way, I feel less guilty on the nights when the little guy is eating fish sticks or pb&j because at least he has a side of eggplant or sliced oranges to go with it. Even if I don't have anything prepped, I always have a ton of frozen veggies ready to go in the freezer.
For chores - My husband does the dishes, I do the laundry. We try not to let it pile up, but we don't beat each other up if it gets too bad. We have a neato (knock-off roomba) that is set to vacuum every day. Kiddo has to clean up his toys before bed every night. I try to clean the counters every night, but it doesn't always get done. We do more detailed cleaning on weekends, especially during naptime.
And honestly, I let my kid stay up until 8 every night. He gets plenty of sleep and that last hour before bedtime and after dinner is our only time during the week to relax together.
posted by galvanized unicorn at 7:01 AM on November 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
Food wise - I prep veggies one or two nights a week and always have fruit on hand. That way, I feel less guilty on the nights when the little guy is eating fish sticks or pb&j because at least he has a side of eggplant or sliced oranges to go with it. Even if I don't have anything prepped, I always have a ton of frozen veggies ready to go in the freezer.
For chores - My husband does the dishes, I do the laundry. We try not to let it pile up, but we don't beat each other up if it gets too bad. We have a neato (knock-off roomba) that is set to vacuum every day. Kiddo has to clean up his toys before bed every night. I try to clean the counters every night, but it doesn't always get done. We do more detailed cleaning on weekends, especially during naptime.
And honestly, I let my kid stay up until 8 every night. He gets plenty of sleep and that last hour before bedtime and after dinner is our only time during the week to relax together.
posted by galvanized unicorn at 7:01 AM on November 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
Nthing hiring a house cleaner. I have a fairly large house, a three-year old, and an 18-month old, and having someone come once every two weeks is enough, as long as we straighten up in between.
posted by amro at 7:04 AM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by amro at 7:04 AM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
I have two kids - age 6 (in first grade) and age 4 (preschool). And two full-time jobs, though I work Tuesday-Saturday and the mr. works Monday-Friday. We feel like it's crazy a lot. There is something peaceful sometimes about just accepting the madness and rolling with it. I had to put a ban on complaining about it for awhile, because it was just whipping up me and the mr. to get all angry about it again.
We outsource a lot. We have house cleaners come every three weeks. We do grocery delivery a lot (instacart, holla!) Amazon Prime has been quite a boon. Neither of us are very good planners, but when we make the effort, pre-planning helps a LOT. We plan out meals for the week, which tends to be "real" dinners M, T, and W, leftovers on Thurs., pizza on Fri., whatevs on Sat. and Sunday sauce on Sundays. That's only 3 nights of actual cooking, which is nice, and we do a lot of slow cooker meals or easy heat-up meals you can buy at the supermarket for not much more than buying it and making it from scratch. We painted our back hallway with chalkboard paint and hung up a bunch of hooks, so we have a weekly schedule written up high and the kids can hang up their coats, backpacks, etc. on the hooks.
We have shared Google calendars and alerts set and talk about out schedule constantly so we know who is doing what. We talk a LOT about logistics, about how each of us is feeling about juggling this or that. There have been times in our relationship with kids that we haven't talked, and it cause resentment and arguments further down the road. I find that the more we have honest and open communication, the better our whole family is.
I adjusted my work schedule to work 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. and can get my daughter off the bus a few days a week, which has been really beneficial for all of us. She goes to aftercare at her school two days a week, so on those days I go to the gym, which is *great* for my mental health. My husband works with people who like to grab a beer after work or play board games and he does that about 1-2 times a week. He's usually home in time to tuck the kids into bed on those nights. He is very extroverted and I'm introverted so we try to give each other time and space with others/alone respectively.
We are very lucky that we have my parents and sisters nearby and someone can almost always babysit if we want to go out. If you can afford it, I would recommend getting a sitter as often as you can. Sometimes my mom will take the kids overnight and we won't even go out! We'll just.. watch a movie. In our own house. Without being interrupted! Living the dream. :) Or, we'll both take a day off work and send the kids to school anyway and just hang out. Maybe see a movie, maybe take a nap, maybe have some "adult" time.
I found the hardest time in the last 6 years was when we had a 2-year-old and a baby. I wasn't even working at that point, but it was so physically draining and exhausting (especially since said baby was a crappy sleeper). Things aren't *perfect* now but they are SO MUCH easier with kids who can feed themselves, who can dress themselves and brush their own teeth and grab their own bags. Juggling my first grader's extracurricular stuff and homework and that kind of thing has been a different kind of struggle but I much prefer it to getting up repeatedly with a baby who won't sleep or stop crying.
Most importantly, we try to be kind to each other. Instead of getting mad that my husband didn't do the dishes, I try to be kind first and say, "He was really tired last night and fell asleep at 9 p.m. It's OK." And he does the same for me. Maybe our kids watch a bit too much TV; maybe our house is a bit messier than it should be; maybe everyone's not *quite* getting enough sleep. But my kids know they are loved, and we are a strong unit of 4.
posted by sutel at 7:39 AM on November 18, 2015 [6 favorites]
We outsource a lot. We have house cleaners come every three weeks. We do grocery delivery a lot (instacart, holla!) Amazon Prime has been quite a boon. Neither of us are very good planners, but when we make the effort, pre-planning helps a LOT. We plan out meals for the week, which tends to be "real" dinners M, T, and W, leftovers on Thurs., pizza on Fri., whatevs on Sat. and Sunday sauce on Sundays. That's only 3 nights of actual cooking, which is nice, and we do a lot of slow cooker meals or easy heat-up meals you can buy at the supermarket for not much more than buying it and making it from scratch. We painted our back hallway with chalkboard paint and hung up a bunch of hooks, so we have a weekly schedule written up high and the kids can hang up their coats, backpacks, etc. on the hooks.
We have shared Google calendars and alerts set and talk about out schedule constantly so we know who is doing what. We talk a LOT about logistics, about how each of us is feeling about juggling this or that. There have been times in our relationship with kids that we haven't talked, and it cause resentment and arguments further down the road. I find that the more we have honest and open communication, the better our whole family is.
I adjusted my work schedule to work 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. and can get my daughter off the bus a few days a week, which has been really beneficial for all of us. She goes to aftercare at her school two days a week, so on those days I go to the gym, which is *great* for my mental health. My husband works with people who like to grab a beer after work or play board games and he does that about 1-2 times a week. He's usually home in time to tuck the kids into bed on those nights. He is very extroverted and I'm introverted so we try to give each other time and space with others/alone respectively.
We are very lucky that we have my parents and sisters nearby and someone can almost always babysit if we want to go out. If you can afford it, I would recommend getting a sitter as often as you can. Sometimes my mom will take the kids overnight and we won't even go out! We'll just.. watch a movie. In our own house. Without being interrupted! Living the dream. :) Or, we'll both take a day off work and send the kids to school anyway and just hang out. Maybe see a movie, maybe take a nap, maybe have some "adult" time.
I found the hardest time in the last 6 years was when we had a 2-year-old and a baby. I wasn't even working at that point, but it was so physically draining and exhausting (especially since said baby was a crappy sleeper). Things aren't *perfect* now but they are SO MUCH easier with kids who can feed themselves, who can dress themselves and brush their own teeth and grab their own bags. Juggling my first grader's extracurricular stuff and homework and that kind of thing has been a different kind of struggle but I much prefer it to getting up repeatedly with a baby who won't sleep or stop crying.
Most importantly, we try to be kind to each other. Instead of getting mad that my husband didn't do the dishes, I try to be kind first and say, "He was really tired last night and fell asleep at 9 p.m. It's OK." And he does the same for me. Maybe our kids watch a bit too much TV; maybe our house is a bit messier than it should be; maybe everyone's not *quite* getting enough sleep. But my kids know they are loved, and we are a strong unit of 4.
posted by sutel at 7:39 AM on November 18, 2015 [6 favorites]
My one life hack is a regular, steady, predictable morning routine. Everyday. Same things at the same time. My husband is a teacher so he's gone by 6:30. My kids are also a bit older, so until your new one is a few years old, this obviously won't be possible to the same degree, but for the long game:
6:15 I wake up. Snuggle in beds with kids.
6:20 Shower.
6:30 Make kids breakfast (English muffin and piece of fruit with milk or water to drink).
6:45 Make my own breakfast.
7:00 Make my lunch
7:15 I get dressed, brush teeth, etc.
7:30 Kids get dressed, brush teeth, etc
7:35 - 7:50 We read books
7:50 Coats, hats, backpacks, etc.
7:55 Out the door to bus stop
There are some minor variations in this. Some days we're running late than others or earlier than others. But effectively every weekday morning follows this path. And it gets the job of getting out of the house done.
My husband gets the kids in the evening from school and does the dinner and mostly the bed time routine. We do only the minimum amount of cleaning at night and save the big stuff for on the weekends (laundry seldom happens on a week night).
But most importantly, remember even in the most hectic moments to slow down a second. Even on a rushed morning, I do my best to at least take a pause and stop in my tracks tracks and tell the kids to get over here and say, "You know, I really love you." It makes a difference for all of us.
And just as important is accept that some things will slip by you and some things won't get done, and you know....it's okay. It's the way it is.
posted by zizzle at 7:51 AM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
6:15 I wake up. Snuggle in beds with kids.
6:20 Shower.
6:30 Make kids breakfast (English muffin and piece of fruit with milk or water to drink).
6:45 Make my own breakfast.
7:00 Make my lunch
7:15 I get dressed, brush teeth, etc.
7:30 Kids get dressed, brush teeth, etc
7:35 - 7:50 We read books
7:50 Coats, hats, backpacks, etc.
7:55 Out the door to bus stop
There are some minor variations in this. Some days we're running late than others or earlier than others. But effectively every weekday morning follows this path. And it gets the job of getting out of the house done.
My husband gets the kids in the evening from school and does the dinner and mostly the bed time routine. We do only the minimum amount of cleaning at night and save the big stuff for on the weekends (laundry seldom happens on a week night).
But most importantly, remember even in the most hectic moments to slow down a second. Even on a rushed morning, I do my best to at least take a pause and stop in my tracks tracks and tell the kids to get over here and say, "You know, I really love you." It makes a difference for all of us.
And just as important is accept that some things will slip by you and some things won't get done, and you know....it's okay. It's the way it is.
posted by zizzle at 7:51 AM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
Whenever you cook, try to double it. I've tried making a bunch of freezer meals at once and hated it for various reasons - what works for me is doubling the recipe I'm making at dinner time. Sometimes we eat it the next night, sometimes I freeze it to stock up a dinner backup.
Build up some storage somewhere, anywhere; a well stocked cupboard is the best. My goal for my pantry is to have at least one of everything I buy on a regular basis that doesn't require refrigeration. And on that note, have some go-to meals that you can make out of those items. Saves so much time, money, and aggravation.
Definitely make out meal menus, but for me, that works best if I have a list of meals rather than "meat loaf monday, pork chops tuesday" - I like the flexibility to choose a simpler meal on an unexpectedly exhausting day. I also always have a soup and sandwich in my weekly routine, easy and good.
posted by lemniskate at 8:12 AM on November 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
Build up some storage somewhere, anywhere; a well stocked cupboard is the best. My goal for my pantry is to have at least one of everything I buy on a regular basis that doesn't require refrigeration. And on that note, have some go-to meals that you can make out of those items. Saves so much time, money, and aggravation.
Definitely make out meal menus, but for me, that works best if I have a list of meals rather than "meat loaf monday, pork chops tuesday" - I like the flexibility to choose a simpler meal on an unexpectedly exhausting day. I also always have a soup and sandwich in my weekly routine, easy and good.
posted by lemniskate at 8:12 AM on November 18, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think it might help to identify what you wish you were doing more of, and what you were doing less of. For example, you write, "... Not much energy to do much more than spend time with the kiddo, shop for dinner, cook dinner, de minimis housework and a little Netflix with the spouse before zonking out."
But, would you like to do less cooking? Less housework? More dates with husband rather than Netflix? Or, would you like more time to do housework because it's pleasant for you, and less time shopping for dinner? Energy can mean lots of different things; physical energy and social energy and mental energy all get depleted at different rates for different people and it's wise to take a good look at where you're flagging.
Many friends who are parents have used their employer's EAP program to get a few free sessions with a life coach, who has helped them map this out. Most of the "savings" that have been found came in the form of outsourcing grocery shopping via grocery delivery services and standing orders, moving closer to work to eliminate commuting time, and hiring a housecleaner. One mom-friend does exercise at home using YouTube videos and includes her toddler, so they're doing yoga or aerobics together, which allows for quality time as well as exercise for better mental/physical/emotional health.
Also, don't expect kid #2 to have the same needs as kid #1 when it comes to attention. For every kid that's bouncing off the walls that needs an eagle eye at all times, I know a kid who would be content coloring at a lap desk all day. You just never know. Embrace it! They'll be off to school soon enough.
posted by juniperesque at 8:53 AM on November 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
But, would you like to do less cooking? Less housework? More dates with husband rather than Netflix? Or, would you like more time to do housework because it's pleasant for you, and less time shopping for dinner? Energy can mean lots of different things; physical energy and social energy and mental energy all get depleted at different rates for different people and it's wise to take a good look at where you're flagging.
Many friends who are parents have used their employer's EAP program to get a few free sessions with a life coach, who has helped them map this out. Most of the "savings" that have been found came in the form of outsourcing grocery shopping via grocery delivery services and standing orders, moving closer to work to eliminate commuting time, and hiring a housecleaner. One mom-friend does exercise at home using YouTube videos and includes her toddler, so they're doing yoga or aerobics together, which allows for quality time as well as exercise for better mental/physical/emotional health.
Also, don't expect kid #2 to have the same needs as kid #1 when it comes to attention. For every kid that's bouncing off the walls that needs an eagle eye at all times, I know a kid who would be content coloring at a lap desk all day. You just never know. Embrace it! They'll be off to school soon enough.
posted by juniperesque at 8:53 AM on November 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
We have rigged up our schedules to maximize downtime. We're really lucky in that our jobs are geared towards or allow us to do this. We both work 4/10 hour days that overlap (i work M-Th, my wife works Tu-F); I work earlier, my wife works a bit later into the evening so our days overlap a bit.
Mondays, she stays at home with kid. Tu/W/Th She drops kid off at daycare, I pick kid up at daycare. Kid is only in daycare those three days. Fridays I stay at home with kid. On days when we're home solo with the kid, we try and get as much done in terms of laundry and cleaning as is possible so that on the weekends, we all hang out together, chill and don't worry about getting things done.
This doesn't decease the amount of stress at all, but it clumps it into one, barely manageable ball of insanity 3 days a week, which in turn clumps together the downtime. Dinners on those busy nights must have good, palatable leftovers for lunch the next day. We crash out very soon after the kid goes to sleep. Basically on those three days, we're kind of a wreck, but it makes the rest of the week much more manageable.
Our in-laws gifted us a couple months of having the kid in daycare 5 days a week this summer because we had just moved into a house and we really needed kid-free time to get things done around that….it was glorious. If we could afford it, we'd go back to that schedule in a heartbeat.
As for 'hacks' or habits to get in to make life easier? Meal planning for sure. Sunday roast chicken or pork-butt can fold into a dozen other dishes really easily, with minimal effort. I mean, if you already have the protein cooked up, some onions, cracking open some refried beans and slapping together some quick salsa can result in a 10 minute, solid meal. There are many meals like this, that can be made with some basic prep. It does take legwork, but its something you get better at and speed up dramatically.
posted by furnace.heart at 9:02 AM on November 18, 2015
Mondays, she stays at home with kid. Tu/W/Th She drops kid off at daycare, I pick kid up at daycare. Kid is only in daycare those three days. Fridays I stay at home with kid. On days when we're home solo with the kid, we try and get as much done in terms of laundry and cleaning as is possible so that on the weekends, we all hang out together, chill and don't worry about getting things done.
This doesn't decease the amount of stress at all, but it clumps it into one, barely manageable ball of insanity 3 days a week, which in turn clumps together the downtime. Dinners on those busy nights must have good, palatable leftovers for lunch the next day. We crash out very soon after the kid goes to sleep. Basically on those three days, we're kind of a wreck, but it makes the rest of the week much more manageable.
Our in-laws gifted us a couple months of having the kid in daycare 5 days a week this summer because we had just moved into a house and we really needed kid-free time to get things done around that….it was glorious. If we could afford it, we'd go back to that schedule in a heartbeat.
As for 'hacks' or habits to get in to make life easier? Meal planning for sure. Sunday roast chicken or pork-butt can fold into a dozen other dishes really easily, with minimal effort. I mean, if you already have the protein cooked up, some onions, cracking open some refried beans and slapping together some quick salsa can result in a 10 minute, solid meal. There are many meals like this, that can be made with some basic prep. It does take legwork, but its something you get better at and speed up dramatically.
posted by furnace.heart at 9:02 AM on November 18, 2015
We had very little family support for many reasons. What helped us most was:
- My husband becoming a work/stay at home parent until this year (kiddo is 10). He's now part-time and kid can stay alone a few hours each day without problems.
-Living on the school bus line so you don't have to take them in/pick them up
-Good daycare
-Sittercity.com for nights out (and nights out were *scheduled*) plus overnights with Grandma/Grandpa/the cousin's house/a friend's house.
-Time. It's much easier when they get older, sleep regularly and can get their own snacks.
-Me learning to do most of my necessary shopping on my lunch hour. After work/weekends are already full.
-A workplace that's flexible about letting me work remote some days so long as I don't abuse it.
-Not worrying about vacations when they are young. They barely know where they are now, a trip to DC is not going to make much of an impression. And will wear you out. Vacations are not relaxing with small children. Save your money and take a weekend away together if you can get relatives to watch them.
-Embracing repetition. Kids love routine. This makes your life easier, once you find a pattern that works.
posted by emjaybee at 9:03 AM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
- My husband becoming a work/stay at home parent until this year (kiddo is 10). He's now part-time and kid can stay alone a few hours each day without problems.
-Living on the school bus line so you don't have to take them in/pick them up
-Good daycare
-Sittercity.com for nights out (and nights out were *scheduled*) plus overnights with Grandma/Grandpa/the cousin's house/a friend's house.
-Time. It's much easier when they get older, sleep regularly and can get their own snacks.
-Me learning to do most of my necessary shopping on my lunch hour. After work/weekends are already full.
-A workplace that's flexible about letting me work remote some days so long as I don't abuse it.
-Not worrying about vacations when they are young. They barely know where they are now, a trip to DC is not going to make much of an impression. And will wear you out. Vacations are not relaxing with small children. Save your money and take a weekend away together if you can get relatives to watch them.
-Embracing repetition. Kids love routine. This makes your life easier, once you find a pattern that works.
posted by emjaybee at 9:03 AM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
I don't have many specific tips, but we have 3 kids now 19, 20 and 21. For the longest time we felt we were drowning. There was a time that on weekends we drew up sort of a Gantt chart to determine who would take which kid to which event, who would watch what half of what game and who would take them to the next event. No family nearby to help.
I don't know if this is comfort or not, but in about 15 years when they are in high school driving themselves places and being mini adults (sort of), you will look back fondly on the early years of chaos and insanity. Now, I don't know what to do with the so called down time. YMMV.
Oh, before posting I remembered that having a strict bed time and making sure they got good amounts of sleep, we believe was critical in not having to deal with extra crankiness the next day. Hard enough dealing with well rested ying yangs. Cranky ones are too tough. We also found a way to appreciate, even laugh at, the various absurd situations we would find ourselves in. Suddenly we would look up and realize we were trying to reason with a 5 year old. That is absurd. We also would tell them that we are like the US government. We have our rules and we don't negotiate with terrorists. (One even told me about a year ago that he finally understood what that meant.)
I would agree with some of the above especially the morning routine or having a lot of routine. Also, we just let certain things go. Cleaning was secondary to time with the kids and ourselves although we did have a no dishes in the sink before bed rule for some reason. I think it made us feel that, "Hey we're adults and can live an adult life." or something like that.
We also tried to take the long view on things. This sucks now, but it will help the kids down the road. We really wanted them to learn to be self sufficient and they certainly are now. More so than many of their peers I would add. But, that also meant that we let them cook dinner which resulted in clean ups far beyond what it would have been had we done it ourselves, etc.
posted by AugustWest at 9:06 AM on November 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
I don't know if this is comfort or not, but in about 15 years when they are in high school driving themselves places and being mini adults (sort of), you will look back fondly on the early years of chaos and insanity. Now, I don't know what to do with the so called down time. YMMV.
Oh, before posting I remembered that having a strict bed time and making sure they got good amounts of sleep, we believe was critical in not having to deal with extra crankiness the next day. Hard enough dealing with well rested ying yangs. Cranky ones are too tough. We also found a way to appreciate, even laugh at, the various absurd situations we would find ourselves in. Suddenly we would look up and realize we were trying to reason with a 5 year old. That is absurd. We also would tell them that we are like the US government. We have our rules and we don't negotiate with terrorists. (One even told me about a year ago that he finally understood what that meant.)
I would agree with some of the above especially the morning routine or having a lot of routine. Also, we just let certain things go. Cleaning was secondary to time with the kids and ourselves although we did have a no dishes in the sink before bed rule for some reason. I think it made us feel that, "Hey we're adults and can live an adult life." or something like that.
We also tried to take the long view on things. This sucks now, but it will help the kids down the road. We really wanted them to learn to be self sufficient and they certainly are now. More so than many of their peers I would add. But, that also meant that we let them cook dinner which resulted in clean ups far beyond what it would have been had we done it ourselves, etc.
posted by AugustWest at 9:06 AM on November 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
If it will take longer to get to A Thing and back than you will spend time at Thing, decline. This time includes prep and getting ready on both ends. It is just so draining to marshal the troops, get everyone peed and watered, then pile in the car for an hour just to have lunch somewhere different.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:25 AM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:25 AM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
A lot of good advice here...we are two full-time working parents (in full-time plus jobs) with a five-year-old and a 20- month-old. No family in the area. Keys for us:
- rock-solid routines in the morning and evening with a hard-and-fast bedtime (6:30 for the little one, 7 for the older).
- husband shares the load although I do more tactical childcare due to commute schedules. He cooks, he folds laundry, he cleans the kitchen, unloads the dishwasher
- We both "do the work" as efficiently as we can in the evening with the aim of having adult downtime after the kids go to bed. This turns into catch up work time, gym time, or us having 1:1 time, depending on the day.
- we communicate very, very well. If I need something I tell him.
- meal plan and full grocery shop on the weekends
- meals are super easy and not very exciting
- full house cleaning 2x a month; we pick up every night and it's not hard to stay on top of it.
- our 5 year old is fully responsible for picking up his play room each night, as the gating factor to iPad time. He does this unsupervised and pretty darn well.
- we go into the weekend with a solid plan for how the days will go, who will go to activities and when errands will be done. We try to balance chores and family time and down time. We find we need a good amount of structure with the kids (eg things to do, even just running errands) or we all kind of go bonkers.
Biggest issue for me is that I have a long commute to work and school. We love the school and it's on my way to work, but not close to home. There are 1000 ways life would be easier if school were closer to home and I was "only" commuting to work. If you can, optimize for school close to home.
posted by handful of rain at 9:37 AM on November 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
- rock-solid routines in the morning and evening with a hard-and-fast bedtime (6:30 for the little one, 7 for the older).
- husband shares the load although I do more tactical childcare due to commute schedules. He cooks, he folds laundry, he cleans the kitchen, unloads the dishwasher
- We both "do the work" as efficiently as we can in the evening with the aim of having adult downtime after the kids go to bed. This turns into catch up work time, gym time, or us having 1:1 time, depending on the day.
- we communicate very, very well. If I need something I tell him.
- meal plan and full grocery shop on the weekends
- meals are super easy and not very exciting
- full house cleaning 2x a month; we pick up every night and it's not hard to stay on top of it.
- our 5 year old is fully responsible for picking up his play room each night, as the gating factor to iPad time. He does this unsupervised and pretty darn well.
- we go into the weekend with a solid plan for how the days will go, who will go to activities and when errands will be done. We try to balance chores and family time and down time. We find we need a good amount of structure with the kids (eg things to do, even just running errands) or we all kind of go bonkers.
Biggest issue for me is that I have a long commute to work and school. We love the school and it's on my way to work, but not close to home. There are 1000 ways life would be easier if school were closer to home and I was "only" commuting to work. If you can, optimize for school close to home.
posted by handful of rain at 9:37 AM on November 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
We are two working parents and two kids (almost 4 and 1 yrs old). I travel at least once a month sometimes for a full week too. It is crazy- but just manage however you can. My standards for food and cleanliness have dropped dramatically. House cleaner 2/month is a huge help. Grocery delivery helps a lot. Meal planning and following really makes life easier. My kids eat a lot of fresh fruit- sometimes that is all they will eat for dinner, and I am okay with that. They will also down a box of mac n cheese between them, and while it isn't my ideal dinner for them- it is very easy. Just before my 2nd was born-my first was 2 3/4 and it really felt like we were verging on getting some time back to ourselves. Also, i think it is really important to have the kids in bed early- so that you get some time to yourself before you conk out.
posted by sulaine at 10:09 AM on November 18, 2015
posted by sulaine at 10:09 AM on November 18, 2015
Two working parents and two kids (4 and 7) here as well. Lots of the same as was said above, so I will just touch on a few:
If you do like cooking from scratch, Mark Bittman's How to Cook Everything Fast is a great weeknight meal source. The recipes actually are as fast as he says they are and they taste great!
Second, if you can scrape the money together for someone to clean the house, DO IT. It is so, so awesome. In my mind, about the best thing money can buy. I would cut back on a lot of other expenses before cutting that one!
Finally, with two working parents and our busy lives, it can be hard not to feel guilty about taking some time away from the kids for yourselves. Nevertheless, a standing baby sitter is a fantastic thing. We had someone who sat for us every other week for a while, and I'd love to get back to that arrangement. Taking some time to be a couple will end up making time with the kids that much better and is important for strengthening your relationship. If that relationship is strong, then everything about raising kids and dealing with the rest of the craziness will be easier!
posted by dellsolace at 11:02 AM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you do like cooking from scratch, Mark Bittman's How to Cook Everything Fast is a great weeknight meal source. The recipes actually are as fast as he says they are and they taste great!
Second, if you can scrape the money together for someone to clean the house, DO IT. It is so, so awesome. In my mind, about the best thing money can buy. I would cut back on a lot of other expenses before cutting that one!
Finally, with two working parents and our busy lives, it can be hard not to feel guilty about taking some time away from the kids for yourselves. Nevertheless, a standing baby sitter is a fantastic thing. We had someone who sat for us every other week for a while, and I'd love to get back to that arrangement. Taking some time to be a couple will end up making time with the kids that much better and is important for strengthening your relationship. If that relationship is strong, then everything about raising kids and dealing with the rest of the craziness will be easier!
posted by dellsolace at 11:02 AM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
Nthing hiring a house cleaner. I have a fairly large house, a three-year old, and an 18-month old, and having someone come once every two weeks is enough, as long as we straighten up in between.
It may be unnecessary at this point, but I'm Nthing this again. Mrs. Fleebnork and I both work outside the home.
We made the decision to hire a house cleaning company this year. They show up with 3-4 people and clean and dust our whole house in the space of 3 hours. They come to our house every 2 weeks, which seems about right. We only have to do light cleaning/tidying in between.
We consider this to be "buying ourselves time". They accomplish in 3 hours what would take my wife and I a whole weekend day to do. We have a cleaner house, and we get back time for other things.
I'm a huge fan of it because Mrs. Fleebnork is, shall we say, Oscar to my Felix.
posted by Fleebnork at 11:39 AM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
It may be unnecessary at this point, but I'm Nthing this again. Mrs. Fleebnork and I both work outside the home.
We made the decision to hire a house cleaning company this year. They show up with 3-4 people and clean and dust our whole house in the space of 3 hours. They come to our house every 2 weeks, which seems about right. We only have to do light cleaning/tidying in between.
We consider this to be "buying ourselves time". They accomplish in 3 hours what would take my wife and I a whole weekend day to do. We have a cleaner house, and we get back time for other things.
I'm a huge fan of it because Mrs. Fleebnork is, shall we say, Oscar to my Felix.
posted by Fleebnork at 11:39 AM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
I have a 2 1/2-year old and a 8-month old, and you know what is the greatest parenting invention of all time? The iPad.
I know it is not fashionable to suggest you give your small child an iPad because blah blah screen time and all that, but it has been such a huge help through this hectic time, and it has also taught my toddler so much.
We have a separate iPad for my daughter that has a cushiony case for protection and is loaded with only kid-friendly educational stuff (favorites: Leo's pad, metamorphabet, word wizard, the kids academy letter tracing one, anything by toca boca). We save it for times when we really need her to be quiet like when we are trying to get the baby to sleep, or the baby is just upset and needs 100% attention. Her alphabet and counting skills are now crazy good and she is even starting to read a few words. Leo's pad has taught her how to listen and follow instructions. It is just the BEST THING.
posted by insoluble uncertainty at 11:46 AM on November 18, 2015 [8 favorites]
I know it is not fashionable to suggest you give your small child an iPad because blah blah screen time and all that, but it has been such a huge help through this hectic time, and it has also taught my toddler so much.
We have a separate iPad for my daughter that has a cushiony case for protection and is loaded with only kid-friendly educational stuff (favorites: Leo's pad, metamorphabet, word wizard, the kids academy letter tracing one, anything by toca boca). We save it for times when we really need her to be quiet like when we are trying to get the baby to sleep, or the baby is just upset and needs 100% attention. Her alphabet and counting skills are now crazy good and she is even starting to read a few words. Leo's pad has taught her how to listen and follow instructions. It is just the BEST THING.
posted by insoluble uncertainty at 11:46 AM on November 18, 2015 [8 favorites]
Yes to house cleaner at least 1x/month or as often as you can afford, weekly meal planning, etc. Consider cooking the same thing on the same day each weekday -- Monday pasta, Tuesday tacos, etc.
One thing I don't see above is planning a block of alone time for each parent, at minimum once a week, where the other parent takes care of the house/kid and you get to do anything you want. It's often rare for a parent of young children to ever have time ALONE in the house, and that can be really great, so think about whether one of you could take your kid somewhere while the other gets to putter around the house by themselves.
Do you ever sit down with your spouse and have a conversation that's not about childcare or household management? There have been times when we've had to explicitly build that into our schedule. Doesn't have to be a date night with a paid babysitter, it can be the two of you snuggled on the couch without any electronics, or an at-home date night where you order takeout after kid bedtime.
I'd also think about what you wish you had time for, like what you would do in an ideal day where you had zero obligations, and then see if you can find anything that could fit into your lives now.
Our routine, just for a data point: Mom wakes up early around 5:30 and exercises, then leaves for work around 7 after giving the kids a good morning and goodbye hug. Dad gets the kids ready, fed, packed, and out the door for school by 8:15, then goes to work. Mom leaves work at 4, arriving at school to pick up the kids (who are in an aftercare program) at 5, then walks them home, arriving at home around 5:15, and immediately starts making dinner while kids have screen time or playtime, their choice. Dad arrives home around 6 for family dinner, then family hang-out time until around 7-7:30, and then bedtime routine until about 8-8:30. Adult "free time" until 9:30-10 which of course includes doing dishes, returning emails, sorting through mail, etc., and then start over again the next day. It does sometimes feel like a grind but I think that's inevitable for the first, I don't know, 12 years or so? My old job required constant availability, so now I feel like we have a lot of downtime.
posted by chickenmagazine at 12:23 PM on November 18, 2015
One thing I don't see above is planning a block of alone time for each parent, at minimum once a week, where the other parent takes care of the house/kid and you get to do anything you want. It's often rare for a parent of young children to ever have time ALONE in the house, and that can be really great, so think about whether one of you could take your kid somewhere while the other gets to putter around the house by themselves.
Do you ever sit down with your spouse and have a conversation that's not about childcare or household management? There have been times when we've had to explicitly build that into our schedule. Doesn't have to be a date night with a paid babysitter, it can be the two of you snuggled on the couch without any electronics, or an at-home date night where you order takeout after kid bedtime.
I'd also think about what you wish you had time for, like what you would do in an ideal day where you had zero obligations, and then see if you can find anything that could fit into your lives now.
Our routine, just for a data point: Mom wakes up early around 5:30 and exercises, then leaves for work around 7 after giving the kids a good morning and goodbye hug. Dad gets the kids ready, fed, packed, and out the door for school by 8:15, then goes to work. Mom leaves work at 4, arriving at school to pick up the kids (who are in an aftercare program) at 5, then walks them home, arriving at home around 5:15, and immediately starts making dinner while kids have screen time or playtime, their choice. Dad arrives home around 6 for family dinner, then family hang-out time until around 7-7:30, and then bedtime routine until about 8-8:30. Adult "free time" until 9:30-10 which of course includes doing dishes, returning emails, sorting through mail, etc., and then start over again the next day. It does sometimes feel like a grind but I think that's inevitable for the first, I don't know, 12 years or so? My old job required constant availability, so now I feel like we have a lot of downtime.
posted by chickenmagazine at 12:23 PM on November 18, 2015
It is completely crazy. I went from part-time to full-time and I'm trying very hard to get back to part-time because this is not any way to live. We only see each other at the most hectic parts of the day. We have parents nearby but they are not helpful -- it's more like they are one extra thing we should be fitting into our schedules. Neither my husband nor I ever gets enough sleep and we know this is not sustainable. Our kids are 4 and 8, but we've found that elementary school is more hectic than daycare, not less.
We survive by having a filthy house, eating enormous amounts of boxed pasta, and prioritizing fun and downtime over everything that is not work or school. If I could be cleaning the playroom but the kids want to cuddle on the sofa and watch a movie, that's what we do. If we have an important house project that needs attention but the kids want to go ride bikes or take a hike, we do it. The mess is always there; the kids are not going to want anything to do with us in another 5-10 years.
posted by xeney at 1:13 PM on November 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
We survive by having a filthy house, eating enormous amounts of boxed pasta, and prioritizing fun and downtime over everything that is not work or school. If I could be cleaning the playroom but the kids want to cuddle on the sofa and watch a movie, that's what we do. If we have an important house project that needs attention but the kids want to go ride bikes or take a hike, we do it. The mess is always there; the kids are not going to want anything to do with us in another 5-10 years.
posted by xeney at 1:13 PM on November 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
We don't expect the house to look fantastic all the time. As long as the kitchen & bathrooms aren't unhealthy, we accept a little mess and disorder.
This.
This is what it's all about.
Ruthlessly prioritize. Lower your expectations of the quality of non-core needs and activities. Look for time confetti and throw things away so you don't spend time maintaining useless stuff.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:19 PM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
This.
This is what it's all about.
Ruthlessly prioritize. Lower your expectations of the quality of non-core needs and activities. Look for time confetti and throw things away so you don't spend time maintaining useless stuff.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:19 PM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yeah, it's just this exactly: "crazy" I just mean hectic, no time, not much energy to do much more than spend time with the kiddo, shop for dinner, cook dinner, de minimis housework and a little Netflix with the spouse before zonking out.
We're in a really similar situation to you from the sound of it - we both work full time, have a 14mo old, no family nearby, similar finances...
Kiddo is in daycare 4 days/week, I'm home with him on Wednesdays (and work from home evenings/naps to make up the time).
I'd totally do the housecleaner thing if your budget allows. We eat the same handful of easy dinners (frozen lasagne, breakfast for dinner, curry rice, pasta...) in rotation. There's also a decent amount of take-out (at least once a week). We live in a smallish two-bedroom (700 sq feet?) apartment, and regularly get rid of stuff. The house can't get too messy because it's just not that big and there's just not that much stuff or clutter. We befriended our downstairs neighbours who have two little girls, and are planning on swapping babysitting. If there's anything extra that I want to do, it has to be a pretty relentless and constant effort. It works though! Also multi-tasking. I'm crocheting a hat for my sister, just little bits here and there and while we watch Hulu. We're only having one kid. Our kid already has a chore: pushing the start button on the washing machine! Let kid play on his own. We try to alternate playing with/entertaining, and everyone hanging out doing their own thing (I'll sit on the floor and crochet while he scoots trucks around and dad reads). Getting easier as he gets a little older. We get groceries delivered (free if we use their credit card and get it delivered on a Wed - the day I'm home!). We both hate grocery shopping, and our kid hates being in big stores (or wants to dawdle, push the pram, pull things off the shelf, etc). We order online, we can both add things, etc. We do as much shopping online as humanly possible, and have it shipped to our respective offices. Clothes, Christmas/birthday presents, yarn, toiletries, *everything*. We're lucky to have short commutes, and daycare is walking distance from our apt. Dad gets home with kiddo and we trade off - he goes for a jog while I give kid a snack. I really like DirtyYoga, so he may take kid jogging Wed/Sat/Sun in the pram so I can exercise. Eventually he can do yoga with me, too! Frequent five-min chores - little bits here and there. Keeps things from getting too gross. Containers and storage baskets that you can just chuck big piles of laundry/toys/whatever into and it's suddenly clean! Yay! We have a shared google calendar, AND a google doc of things we're wanting to discuss. It's actually easier to summarise budget modifications and provide feedback via GoogleDocs than... you know, talk about it. Discussing "serious" things is frustrating, and increasingly one or both of us doesn't remember what we discussed (or that we talked about it at all!). Somewhere on the green was a discussion of work efficiency, and consensus seemed to be that 70% productivity was normal. I totally spend that 20% + lunches replying to emails, checking Google calendar/docs, etc (on metafilter....) At least once a week take a full lunch hour to go sit by yourself and drink coffee quietly. (need to do this more, but it really helps!)
Feel free to me-mail me to vent anytime. I'll write back eventually! (Haha!)
(Remember too, that everyone has their low points. A few months ago there was some definite shouting from downstairs, which is unusual. Last night ended with me shouting "I'm doing what I can" while wet and wrapped in a towel; when I apologised my husband referred to me acting like a crazy b*, which I'm pretty pissed about this morning. Not a shining moment for either of us. But there it is. Rare, but it happens when everyone's running on fumes!)
posted by jrobin276 at 2:07 PM on November 18, 2015
We're in a really similar situation to you from the sound of it - we both work full time, have a 14mo old, no family nearby, similar finances...
Kiddo is in daycare 4 days/week, I'm home with him on Wednesdays (and work from home evenings/naps to make up the time).
I'd totally do the housecleaner thing if your budget allows. We eat the same handful of easy dinners (frozen lasagne, breakfast for dinner, curry rice, pasta...) in rotation. There's also a decent amount of take-out (at least once a week). We live in a smallish two-bedroom (700 sq feet?) apartment, and regularly get rid of stuff. The house can't get too messy because it's just not that big and there's just not that much stuff or clutter. We befriended our downstairs neighbours who have two little girls, and are planning on swapping babysitting. If there's anything extra that I want to do, it has to be a pretty relentless and constant effort. It works though! Also multi-tasking. I'm crocheting a hat for my sister, just little bits here and there and while we watch Hulu. We're only having one kid. Our kid already has a chore: pushing the start button on the washing machine! Let kid play on his own. We try to alternate playing with/entertaining, and everyone hanging out doing their own thing (I'll sit on the floor and crochet while he scoots trucks around and dad reads). Getting easier as he gets a little older. We get groceries delivered (free if we use their credit card and get it delivered on a Wed - the day I'm home!). We both hate grocery shopping, and our kid hates being in big stores (or wants to dawdle, push the pram, pull things off the shelf, etc). We order online, we can both add things, etc. We do as much shopping online as humanly possible, and have it shipped to our respective offices. Clothes, Christmas/birthday presents, yarn, toiletries, *everything*. We're lucky to have short commutes, and daycare is walking distance from our apt. Dad gets home with kiddo and we trade off - he goes for a jog while I give kid a snack. I really like DirtyYoga, so he may take kid jogging Wed/Sat/Sun in the pram so I can exercise. Eventually he can do yoga with me, too! Frequent five-min chores - little bits here and there. Keeps things from getting too gross. Containers and storage baskets that you can just chuck big piles of laundry/toys/whatever into and it's suddenly clean! Yay! We have a shared google calendar, AND a google doc of things we're wanting to discuss. It's actually easier to summarise budget modifications and provide feedback via GoogleDocs than... you know, talk about it. Discussing "serious" things is frustrating, and increasingly one or both of us doesn't remember what we discussed (or that we talked about it at all!). Somewhere on the green was a discussion of work efficiency, and consensus seemed to be that 70% productivity was normal. I totally spend that 20% + lunches replying to emails, checking Google calendar/docs, etc (on metafilter....) At least once a week take a full lunch hour to go sit by yourself and drink coffee quietly. (need to do this more, but it really helps!)
Feel free to me-mail me to vent anytime. I'll write back eventually! (Haha!)
(Remember too, that everyone has their low points. A few months ago there was some definite shouting from downstairs, which is unusual. Last night ended with me shouting "I'm doing what I can" while wet and wrapped in a towel; when I apologised my husband referred to me acting like a crazy b*, which I'm pretty pissed about this morning. Not a shining moment for either of us. But there it is. Rare, but it happens when everyone's running on fumes!)
posted by jrobin276 at 2:07 PM on November 18, 2015
We have two kids, 2.5 years and 16 months, two fulltime jobs, one med and one long commute and one parent in classes two nights a week. It's, um, kinda crazy.
Most of these have already been mentioned, but things that help us:
posted by pennypiper at 2:49 PM on November 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
Most of these have already been mentioned, but things that help us:
- Cook all of our food for the weekdays on Sunday and pre-pack lunches for parents. Food is simple (1-2 meats, 2-3 veg's and 1-2 starches), heavily reliant on what Costco sells in large, economical packages and can be remixed different ways.
- A decent rice cooker. We use this a LOT more than our crockpot.
- A few easy, shelf stable/freezer meals that don't suck (e.g. Trader Joes Tamales, rice, canned beans and (good) costco salsa) for Fri/Sat whenever.
- A cleaner twice a week. Wonderful. One of the last things we'll cut from our budget.
- Routines, for the evening, for the morning, for the weekend. You can always change it but it can be hard to think sometimes with so much chaos/sleep deprivation/whining. Routines help.
- Routines for chores, this is a little different, but getting into habits with chores can help keep things from building up and help the workload be shared. For example, every night the dishwasher is unloaded, reloaded, the toys picked up, trash out, the kids laundry goes in the dryer and the kids morning bottle is prepped. Every morning the kids laundry goes in the washer and the toddlers lunch is made if needed, etc. Doing a little bit regularly and reflexively is so much easier.
- Have a a task boss for recurring chores. It doesn't mean that person has to do it, but they are in charge of making sure it gets done. This is something that we pulled from the epic mefi emotional labor juggurnaut of 2015 that's been helpful for us in a better distribution of responsibility.
- TV for the kids, seriously, it's great. My son and I are super cranky NOT morning people, and 20 minutes of cartoons/whatever while we (and my morning chipper daughter) cuddle on the couch and they have a bottle and I have some coffee, is, to quote one our favorite shows AWESOME! Too much TV can make mine cranky but a little bit applied to opportune rough spots is great.
- Finding time for each of us to be alone or do something we want to do, or the holy grail, be alone to do something we want to do in our house! We aren't very good at this, but it helps.
- We do as much shopping online as we can and try to visit as few stores as possible in person for groceries, clothes, whatever.
- Keep toys put away in standard, stackable containers (we use the plastic shoeboxes mostly). They seem to find the toys more appealing when they don't have constant, easy access to all of them but it's also much easier to put them away and to teach them to put them away before getting out another toy set.
- Get rid of as much stuff as possible. We still have a long way to go but we're working on getting rid of, storing or hiding (boxes, garage) as much of our stuff as possible. It's less to clean, lose, find, put away, but it's also reduced the number of crying "I want that!" battles we have. This can be hard work, so we're trying the "just throw it in a box and stick it in the garage" method (combined with taking photos of the box contents and numbering them so if we need to look for it we can look do it on our phone instead of having to dig through the garage).
posted by pennypiper at 2:49 PM on November 18, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'm a dad of five (14, 12, 9, 5, and 4) and am married. I work days during the week, my wife works 12-hour night shifts on the weekends. We have never used daycare.
The secret to maintaining my sanity (when I feel sane) is to figure out the logistics of *every*thing before doing *any*thing. When I take the kids shopping, there is a place for each kid: one in the seat of the cart, one in the basket, one on each side of the cart, and one on the front of the cart. They know their place and are expected to stay in it, at least while they are little.
Bed time is 8:00, with lights out at 9:00, at least for the three youngest. No ifs, ands, or buts. After 9:00 is my time to actually relax before going to bed at 10:30 - what you call Netflix time. If they need a drink, they need to get it before 9:00. Same for the bathroom. And for getting their blanket or stuffed animal.
Clothes are folded and sorted as they come out of the dryer, not dumped into a basket to do "later." That's because later is busy already and doesn't have time to fold laundry.
There is plenty of chaos, our house is rarely clean, someone is always (ALWAYS!) asking me a question. But I wouldn't trade it for anything.
posted by tacodave at 4:01 PM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
The secret to maintaining my sanity (when I feel sane) is to figure out the logistics of *every*thing before doing *any*thing. When I take the kids shopping, there is a place for each kid: one in the seat of the cart, one in the basket, one on each side of the cart, and one on the front of the cart. They know their place and are expected to stay in it, at least while they are little.
Bed time is 8:00, with lights out at 9:00, at least for the three youngest. No ifs, ands, or buts. After 9:00 is my time to actually relax before going to bed at 10:30 - what you call Netflix time. If they need a drink, they need to get it before 9:00. Same for the bathroom. And for getting their blanket or stuffed animal.
Clothes are folded and sorted as they come out of the dryer, not dumped into a basket to do "later." That's because later is busy already and doesn't have time to fold laundry.
There is plenty of chaos, our house is rarely clean, someone is always (ALWAYS!) asking me a question. But I wouldn't trade it for anything.
posted by tacodave at 4:01 PM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
Most of our hacks are covered here but I'll second the rice cooker because ours is newish and was a life-saver. We do all the grains in it.
We try to laugh at things, including YouTube videos. At least once a day if we can.
My husband and I try to arrange things so we can each "sleep in" (to 8am!!) twice a month, alternating Sundays as it happens.
We have Netflix dates once a week, with appetizers. Going out can be too much of a hassle.
I'm fine with raw veggies, scrambled eggs and toast as a dinner. Healthy does not have to mean complicated or even hot.
In the summer we eat outside a lot. It's relaxing and nature deals with the crumbs.
We've packed knick knacks, books, etc. away or decluttered. I admitted it will be 15 years before I do crafts again if ever and gave away my stash.
It really is just crazy. I am typing this on the subway.
This thread is reminding me to get cleaners. I have been meaning to for a few months.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:17 PM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
We try to laugh at things, including YouTube videos. At least once a day if we can.
My husband and I try to arrange things so we can each "sleep in" (to 8am!!) twice a month, alternating Sundays as it happens.
We have Netflix dates once a week, with appetizers. Going out can be too much of a hassle.
I'm fine with raw veggies, scrambled eggs and toast as a dinner. Healthy does not have to mean complicated or even hot.
In the summer we eat outside a lot. It's relaxing and nature deals with the crumbs.
We've packed knick knacks, books, etc. away or decluttered. I admitted it will be 15 years before I do crafts again if ever and gave away my stash.
It really is just crazy. I am typing this on the subway.
This thread is reminding me to get cleaners. I have been meaning to for a few months.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:17 PM on November 18, 2015 [2 favorites]
Cleaners, for sure. Once every two weeks has been enough for my family.
I have preached it before and will preach it again: Saturday morning babysitter who comes from 6:30-9:30am and takes kids to park, so that hubs and I had those hours to ourselves and kids were exercised and bathed by time we were ready to start our weekend together. Best investment I ever made. Once kids are old enough to get themselves to the TV for Saturday morning watching, the TV can act as a free babysitter.
Meals were often a frozen or very simple protein (prepared meatballs, or eggs, or sauteed chicken breast with some condiment like bbq sauce) plus cut up raw veggies. I doubt I cooked any vegetable while my kids were babies, other than what went into crock pot stews. They and I both prefer raw pepper strips or cucumbers anyway, and they're so much faster.
I jealously guard our weekend time and try hard not to schedule anything I won't find actively pleasurable.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:24 PM on November 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
I have preached it before and will preach it again: Saturday morning babysitter who comes from 6:30-9:30am and takes kids to park, so that hubs and I had those hours to ourselves and kids were exercised and bathed by time we were ready to start our weekend together. Best investment I ever made. Once kids are old enough to get themselves to the TV for Saturday morning watching, the TV can act as a free babysitter.
Meals were often a frozen or very simple protein (prepared meatballs, or eggs, or sauteed chicken breast with some condiment like bbq sauce) plus cut up raw veggies. I doubt I cooked any vegetable while my kids were babies, other than what went into crock pot stews. They and I both prefer raw pepper strips or cucumbers anyway, and they're so much faster.
I jealously guard our weekend time and try hard not to schedule anything I won't find actively pleasurable.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:24 PM on November 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
My suggestions are pretty different. My tips are designed to protect my peace of mind, which is badly affected by how disorderly my physical environment and how long my worry list is. So I'm not expecting that they'll work for you — just showing how I identified what my weaknesses are and how I addressed them (and if you have the same issues, here are lots of tips for you).
1. I do all my own housework and keep on top of it, because if I look around the house and see clutter or dirt, my perception of the level of craziness is astronomically higher than the situation really warrants it, but if it's clean I feel calm. If someone stops by, I feel confident.
I manage this with:
- A Roomba, which I run every day.
- A dust mop, which I push around every day.
- Never putting off a small job, like doing the dishes, because the job needs to be done sometime anyway, and having it done (and not nagging away at me) gives me peace of mind. Seriously, this is perhaps the most important part for me. The recommendations above to tolerate a little mess would not work for me at all. Never letting little messes accumulate and becoming big messes that freak me out is key for me.
- Clearing off every counter, the DR table, etc. before I go to bed, again because it needs to be done sometime, and waking up to a clean house starts my day off right.
- Storing things in what are essentially Bento boxes so that cleanup is quick. When my daughter was a toddler, we kept a pretty basket or box in almost every room of the house for her toys. Every time she left a room, she (or we) put all the toys back in the basket. It takes one minute, and drops the crazy-making appearance of toys everywhere just like that. All gloves, hats, scarves go in one box. All things to go out of the house each morning are in a basket by the front door. All receipts we need to save are in one box, totally unorganized, because we won't ever use 95% of them, but we don't know in advance which 5% we will use, so organizing them is too much overhead. I have a basket of all travel things to make packing faster: toiletries, plug converters, foreign money, etc. I keep all my computer cables, plugs, converters, etc. in one box. Sorting at a high level, and not at a micro-level, saves a ton of time when putting things away, and is still easy enough to navigate when pulling things out.
If I let it get away from me (which does happen, despite my best efforts), I feel like my life has derailed and my head is spinning. So I put on Madonna, pour a glass of red wine, and do a tornado-like clean starting in one corner of the house and working my way through every mess until it's all done. And then I drink the wine to celebrate, and switch to Brahms. Maybe TMI.
And if it really gets away from me, I hire a housekeeper for one day. I find, though, that regular housekeeping makes my house dirtier, because if s/he is coming on Thursday, I stop taking care of the house on Monday, so for half the week the house gets progressively dirtier. And I work at home, so having a housekeeper is disruptive. All housekeepers want to chat with me, even when I am sitting at my computer clearly working, and even after I have explained that I am working and cannot chat. I can totally understand this — I'd want to chat if I were doing that kind of work too — but in the end this natural human tendency means that I'm not working while the house is being cleaned, so I might as well do the work myself and save the money and buy a Roomba.
2. I also use other shortcuts to removing boring and stressful things in my life:
- I buy in bulk so that I am almost never out of anything, and that takes stress away. I buy a dozen tubes of toothpaste, have tampons and razor blades and TP sent automatically via Amazon every six months, etc. Not having a perpetual shopping list for things that never go bad reduces the time I spend on such boring things (and the awful prospect of having no coffee filters at six in the morning).
- I keep the New Yorker by my bathroom sink so I can read it as I brush my teeth; I have healthier teeth and I get to read something interesting a few times a day. I mark my place with a Sharpie so I can easily get back to where I was before.
- I manage my finances to within an inch of their little lives so I never worry about missing a payment for something. I do a little work on them every day, which again reduces the stress of having things hanging over my head.
3. Finally, thinking long-term, I suggest zero screen time for the kids because it'll make them problematic later and will cause some serious neurological development issues. Kids don't effectively develop peripheral vision or 3D vision if they have too much screen time, for example. Lots of evidence on this. Even educational programs don't add so much value that they overcome the negative consequences of exposing little ones to screen time. I'm not a Luddite, and I'm not orthodox about this, but it has been important for our family to have a child who doesn't spend a lot of her time hunched over (poor posture) a glowing screen (limits visual acuity) ignoring the world around her (anti-social behavior) and instead engages physically, verbally, creatively, emotionally, socially, and healthily with all the various stimuli out there which haven't been programmed by someone with some agenda.
Instead, I encouraged my daughter from Day One to self-entertain with whatever was on hand. Even as a toddler she could sit still at a restaurant table or in an airport lounge and entertain herself with small glass rocks, or a bead necklace, or a random piece of paper, and that didn't disturb other diners, or require having a tablet with me that is charged and not needed by me to see if there alternative flights to this one that has been delayed again, etc.
Did this work perfectly? No. And yes, she does sometimes have that awful blue glow in her face. But compared to the majority of kids her age (12), she is better behaved, happier, and healthier, and I'm pleased that I never used little screens as a crutch (except on international flights, because there anything goes).
Congrats on the little one on the way :)
posted by Capri at 12:01 PM on November 19, 2015 [4 favorites]
1. I do all my own housework and keep on top of it, because if I look around the house and see clutter or dirt, my perception of the level of craziness is astronomically higher than the situation really warrants it, but if it's clean I feel calm. If someone stops by, I feel confident.
I manage this with:
- A Roomba, which I run every day.
- A dust mop, which I push around every day.
- Never putting off a small job, like doing the dishes, because the job needs to be done sometime anyway, and having it done (and not nagging away at me) gives me peace of mind. Seriously, this is perhaps the most important part for me. The recommendations above to tolerate a little mess would not work for me at all. Never letting little messes accumulate and becoming big messes that freak me out is key for me.
- Clearing off every counter, the DR table, etc. before I go to bed, again because it needs to be done sometime, and waking up to a clean house starts my day off right.
- Storing things in what are essentially Bento boxes so that cleanup is quick. When my daughter was a toddler, we kept a pretty basket or box in almost every room of the house for her toys. Every time she left a room, she (or we) put all the toys back in the basket. It takes one minute, and drops the crazy-making appearance of toys everywhere just like that. All gloves, hats, scarves go in one box. All things to go out of the house each morning are in a basket by the front door. All receipts we need to save are in one box, totally unorganized, because we won't ever use 95% of them, but we don't know in advance which 5% we will use, so organizing them is too much overhead. I have a basket of all travel things to make packing faster: toiletries, plug converters, foreign money, etc. I keep all my computer cables, plugs, converters, etc. in one box. Sorting at a high level, and not at a micro-level, saves a ton of time when putting things away, and is still easy enough to navigate when pulling things out.
If I let it get away from me (which does happen, despite my best efforts), I feel like my life has derailed and my head is spinning. So I put on Madonna, pour a glass of red wine, and do a tornado-like clean starting in one corner of the house and working my way through every mess until it's all done. And then I drink the wine to celebrate, and switch to Brahms. Maybe TMI.
And if it really gets away from me, I hire a housekeeper for one day. I find, though, that regular housekeeping makes my house dirtier, because if s/he is coming on Thursday, I stop taking care of the house on Monday, so for half the week the house gets progressively dirtier. And I work at home, so having a housekeeper is disruptive. All housekeepers want to chat with me, even when I am sitting at my computer clearly working, and even after I have explained that I am working and cannot chat. I can totally understand this — I'd want to chat if I were doing that kind of work too — but in the end this natural human tendency means that I'm not working while the house is being cleaned, so I might as well do the work myself and save the money and buy a Roomba.
2. I also use other shortcuts to removing boring and stressful things in my life:
- I buy in bulk so that I am almost never out of anything, and that takes stress away. I buy a dozen tubes of toothpaste, have tampons and razor blades and TP sent automatically via Amazon every six months, etc. Not having a perpetual shopping list for things that never go bad reduces the time I spend on such boring things (and the awful prospect of having no coffee filters at six in the morning).
- I keep the New Yorker by my bathroom sink so I can read it as I brush my teeth; I have healthier teeth and I get to read something interesting a few times a day. I mark my place with a Sharpie so I can easily get back to where I was before.
- I manage my finances to within an inch of their little lives so I never worry about missing a payment for something. I do a little work on them every day, which again reduces the stress of having things hanging over my head.
3. Finally, thinking long-term, I suggest zero screen time for the kids because it'll make them problematic later and will cause some serious neurological development issues. Kids don't effectively develop peripheral vision or 3D vision if they have too much screen time, for example. Lots of evidence on this. Even educational programs don't add so much value that they overcome the negative consequences of exposing little ones to screen time. I'm not a Luddite, and I'm not orthodox about this, but it has been important for our family to have a child who doesn't spend a lot of her time hunched over (poor posture) a glowing screen (limits visual acuity) ignoring the world around her (anti-social behavior) and instead engages physically, verbally, creatively, emotionally, socially, and healthily with all the various stimuli out there which haven't been programmed by someone with some agenda.
Instead, I encouraged my daughter from Day One to self-entertain with whatever was on hand. Even as a toddler she could sit still at a restaurant table or in an airport lounge and entertain herself with small glass rocks, or a bead necklace, or a random piece of paper, and that didn't disturb other diners, or require having a tablet with me that is charged and not needed by me to see if there alternative flights to this one that has been delayed again, etc.
Did this work perfectly? No. And yes, she does sometimes have that awful blue glow in her face. But compared to the majority of kids her age (12), she is better behaved, happier, and healthier, and I'm pleased that I never used little screens as a crutch (except on international flights, because there anything goes).
Congrats on the little one on the way :)
posted by Capri at 12:01 PM on November 19, 2015 [4 favorites]
The ex and I at one point had 5 kids ages 5, 5, 3, 3, and newborn. The twins and the older 3 y.o. were his, the younger 3 y.o. and the baby were ours. I worked full(ish) time in the home, he worked full time out of the home. His parents lived nearby and helped out some.
I'm surprised I haven't seen anyone suggest hiring a personal chef. A friend of a friend supports her family as a personal chef. She puts out the weekly menu, all three meals, in her Facebook group, folks can order just breakfast, or just Tuesday, or a double portion of Monday's dinner, etc. Her prices are quite reasonable, and the food's healthy without sacrificing taste. I wish I'd considered this when I had a crowd! I've never loved cooking, so whenever I made dinner, I'd make enough to feed the Marine Corps, then portioned out and froze everything we didn't eat that night. My upright freezer was chock full of Ziploc bags and Gladware containers, all labeled with what was in them and when it went in.
My biggest sanity saver was childproofing. I childproofed the living hell out of every inch of my house. I have some health issues that make it challenging for me to walk sometimes, so I needed my home to be as safe as humanly possible for the kids. And with the exception of the time Babystepgod #1 convinced Babystepgod #2 to throw his pants into the torchiere floor lamp, and the bulb caught his pants on fire, and the time Babygoddess climbed up on top of the fridge but Babygod watched her the whole time like I'd told him to do while I went potty, I never had any problems with childproofing. (Ok, those are kind of big exceptions, but 2 instances in 8 years....)
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 2:37 PM on November 19, 2015
I'm surprised I haven't seen anyone suggest hiring a personal chef. A friend of a friend supports her family as a personal chef. She puts out the weekly menu, all three meals, in her Facebook group, folks can order just breakfast, or just Tuesday, or a double portion of Monday's dinner, etc. Her prices are quite reasonable, and the food's healthy without sacrificing taste. I wish I'd considered this when I had a crowd! I've never loved cooking, so whenever I made dinner, I'd make enough to feed the Marine Corps, then portioned out and froze everything we didn't eat that night. My upright freezer was chock full of Ziploc bags and Gladware containers, all labeled with what was in them and when it went in.
My biggest sanity saver was childproofing. I childproofed the living hell out of every inch of my house. I have some health issues that make it challenging for me to walk sometimes, so I needed my home to be as safe as humanly possible for the kids. And with the exception of the time Babystepgod #1 convinced Babystepgod #2 to throw his pants into the torchiere floor lamp, and the bulb caught his pants on fire, and the time Babygoddess climbed up on top of the fridge but Babygod watched her the whole time like I'd told him to do while I went potty, I never had any problems with childproofing. (Ok, those are kind of big exceptions, but 2 instances in 8 years....)
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 2:37 PM on November 19, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by gorcha at 6:30 AM on November 18, 2015